I Will Follow You Into The Dark

"Love of mine, some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark"- I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Before I went to bed Friday night, I checked my phone. Rocky and Amber tried to call me. Rocky texted me too, to see how I was doing. I texted her back that I was fine and she didn't need to check on me.  I was sure Amber called to set up what time to drop off the kids, so I would call her back in the morning. Trevor tagged me in photos of him and his Austin crew out, captioning them:

Wish you were here

 I liked the pictures as I looked them over. It looked like they were having fun.

Sammy also posted pictures of her new place. She tagged them 

#Freedom#NewNew#Upgrade.

I put my phone away after looking through them.

------------

When I woke up Saturday morning, I texted Amber, asking her if she was up. She replied that she was, so I gave her a call.

"Good morning." I said cheerfully.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Amber asked.

"Good, what time are you dropping off the kids?"

"I'm not..."

"Oh. Does Will have to work?"

"No. The kids are going to spend the night with his parents."

"They could have spent the night here! I wanted to spend time with them." I exclaimed.

"Can I come over to talk to you about this?" She asked, nervously.

"Is everything ok? Do I need to come get you?" I said, now worried.

"No, I'm fine. I just need to talk to you in person." Amber said.

"Alright. I'm at home."

After I got off the phone, I took a long hot shower and washed my hair. Jasmine may or may not have been a bitch about it, but cheap hair dyes were cheap for a reason. Every time I washed my hair, the dye washed out too. After I showered, I blow dried my hair. Satisfied it hasn't fallen out and it was still dark, I just put my hair up in a bun. I was pulling on a pair of jeans when I heard knocking on the front door.

I quickly threw on a shirt before rushing down the stairs. I opened the door for Amber. She gave me a little smile.

"Hey, wanna drink?" I asked, politely.

I was glad when she declined. We could just get on with it. We sat in the living room.

"Have you seen Sammy's new place?" Amber asked.

"No... I doubt I'll be getting an invite." I started. "Is that what you wanna talk about? Sammy?"

"No..." She said, nervously, which only increased my worries. She hated confrontations, so I just knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

"Did you have an abortion?" Amber blurted out. When I just stared at her, shocked, she continued. "No judgments, I just wanna know what you were thinking-"

I listened to her, bewildered and confused. Why would she ever think that? She knew I was on birth control, we discussed options when she had to pick a new method. The implant she had was causing her to gain weight. Why the fuck would she think Jake and I got pregnant...

"...Ethan is really hurt by all this..."

Ethan? What the fuck? Then it fucking hit me, like a bulldozer mowing me over.

"Ethan told you that?" I said, horrified. Then, I thought about it. "Will told you that?!?!" I corrected.

"Lily, why didn't you tell me? You know I'm always here for you..." she started, resting her hand on my shoulder. I shook her hand off of me.

"Is this why you don't want me to watch the kids?!?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.

She looked away. "Will just feels like it's not a great idea until-"

"Fuck how Will feels. I'm asking you! Or does Will do the thinking for you now?!?" I interrupted her.

"Lily, don't make this about Will." Amber said, exasperated.

"No. This is all about you. I already know Will is an asshole-"

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to you attack my husband. I came here as a friend-" She said, firmly, standing up.

"Any friend of mine would have asked me before deciding it wasn't a great idea to watch her kids, so I guess we're not that great of friends." I said, standing up too.

She looked hurt, but I stood unmoving. I showed her out the door, slamming it behind her. Angry tears fell down my face, but I wiped them away. I stomped up the stairs, phone in hand. I called Trevor.

"Hello?" He said, hoarsely. My phone call obviously woke him up.

"Hey Trevor. Sorry for waking you."

"It's ok. What's up?" He said, groggily.

"Am I still invited for dinner?" I asked.

"Absolutely! Get yourself down here!" Trevor said, enthusiastically.

I smiled through my tears. "Ok. See you soon."

My next call was to Kendall. I asked him if he wouldn't mind covering my weekend at work. I wanted Sandra to know beforehand so if anything came up, she knew who to call.

"You owe me." He reluctantly agreed.

"Yes I do. Thank you Kendall!"

I texted Sandra and let her know that Kendall was covering for me. While I packed a bag, my phone rang. I picked it up when I saw it was Trevor.

"You remember how to get here?" He said, fully awake now.

"No-" I started.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"No! There's a thing called GPS. Think I'm gonna use that." I said, sarcastically.

"Alright smart ass. Drive carefully. And fast."

I laughed. "Will do."

I threw my bag in my car, plugged in Bilal's address and drove. The open road and my music blaring drowned out my thoughts. It was so peaceful to just get away and not think. I felt like I arrived at Bilal's apartment way too soon. I walked to his door, bag in hand, and rang the doorbell. Trevor's grinning face as he greeted me made me smile too.

"About time Lilypad!" Trevor said, pulling me in for a hug.

"I made it here in three and a half hours." I laughed, hugging him back.

"I got it down to three hours."  He countered, pulling away.

"How many speeding tickets do you have?" Bilal asked, greeting me at the door with a hug too.

"None at the moment." Trevor replied.

"C'mon in." Bilal ushered me inside, taking my bag and handing it to Trevor. While Trevor took it in the extra room, Bilal led me to the kitchen. Two pretty brunettes were busy cooking in the kitchen.

"Lily, this is Noorie and Mara. Noorie is my girlfriend and Mara is her best friend."

"Lily! So good to finally met you. I've heard so much about you." Noorie said, smiling at me.

"Nice to meet you too and don't believe anything Bilal or Trevor have told you." I smiled.

"They only had positive things to say." Noorie laughed.

"Yeah, it ruins the shock of how awful she is when you really get to know her." Trevor winked at me. Everyone laughed as I winced. Apparently there was some truth to that, especially if we were judging by how quickly I was losing friends...

"Can I do anything to help?" I asked.

"Sure!" Noorie said.

I washed my hands and asked what I could do. Noorie explained she was a vegetarian, so she ordered out for rotisserie chicken. The only thing she and Mara were making were a ton of sides and desserts. Noorie had Trevor snapping green beans and Bilal peeling potatoes while Mara made two desserts, apple cheesecake bars and a pumpkin roll.

I assisted Noorie with the black bean casserole, stuffed mushrooms, and a kale and cauliflower tart while I waited for Bilal and Trevor to finish so I could make spicy mashed potatoes and steamed green beans. Noorie and I were talking about our jobs, she's a music columnist at a local newspaper, when Trevor approached us with the green beans.

"Done!" He announced, handing them over.

"Congratulations! You get to go help Bilal!" Noorie smiled.

"No way. That was his job, I'm done with mine." Trevor said.

"You had the easiest job! Snapping green beans, that's a kid job." Bilal protested.

"Still beat you." Trevor argued. I laughed at him.

"Since you're done so fast, you can make the potatoes."

"I'd rather watch." Trevor grinned.

"Lazy." I said, moving over to the counter to help Bilal cut the potatoes.

"No. I'm learning. Like a cooking show." Trevor stated.

"I wanted my own cooking show growing up." Mara laughed, putting a pan in the oven.

"Not me. I learned how to cook out of necessity." Noorie said.

"What about you Lily?" Trevor asked me.

"No... Unless it's one of those travel shows. Were you go around and eat foods." I admitted.

"You would." Trevor smiled.

"Whatever. Get over here." I said. I instructed him on how to cube the potatoes as I got a pot of water boiling. After the potatoes were cooked, I handed Trevor a masher.

"What is this?" He said, looking at it like it was a foreign object.

"A potato masher." I laughed. I dumped the cooked and drained potatoes in a bowl. "Get to work."

While he mashed, I grabbed my glass of wine and teased him. "Don't lose the rhythm. Use both hands!"

Trevor smiled at me, mashing the potatoes harder. "Is this how you like it?"

"Oh yeah! Harder!" I grinned, sipping my wine. "Faster, Trevor, faster!" I cheered, suggestively.

Everyone laughed at us and Trevor and I joined in.

"I woulda learned how to cook a long time ago if I knew it was so sexy." Trevor winked at me.

"Yeah, your mom should have shown you..." I joked.

"Gross Lily." Trevor said, over all of our laughter.

After we finished cooking, Bilal went to go pick up the chicken while Trevor and I retired to the room to get dressed for dinner. I kept it causal, but cute in dark denim jeans and a black, sleeveless peplum top. I dressed up the outfit with Rachel's earrings and necklace and black booties. I was finishing my make up when Trevor rejoined me in the room. He was wearing a white button down and jeans.

"What happened with Amber and the kids?" Trevor asked, watching as I applied a wine red lipstick.

"They didn't need me." I said simply, pushing them out of my mind.

"I'm glad they didn't. I'm happy you came." Trevor smiled at me.

"I'm glad I came too." I beamed at him.

Being around Trevor always took my mind off of everything. That's why he was the first person I called. As lame as it sounds, he really was like my personal supply of sunshine. My lone escape from the darkness/drama/trouble that surrounded me. Our eyes met and I really really needed to verbalize how much he meant to me...

"Food's here!!!" Bilal announced, snapping me out of my thoughts. I smiled at Trevor as we left the bedroom.

I met more of Noorie and Bilal's friends. They were an eccentric group of people, but everyone was so friendly and outgoing. Trevor introduced me around and we made small talk as we waited for the last few people to arrive. It was a group of 10 already, but the long table was set for 12.

"We'll get started without Cat." Noorie decided. I sat down next to Mara and Trevor. I chided Trevor when the only thing he put on his plate was chicken, rolls, potatoes and green beans.

"Try one new thing!" I pleaded with him, filling my plate with everything.

"I don't like vegetarian stuff."

"How do you know if you've never tried it?" I debated him.

"I just know." He said. I took a small piece of the tart and held it to his mouth.

"Eat it!" I exclaimed.

"No."

"Eat it and I give you full control of our birthday party." I bargained with him. He opened his mouth then. I gave it to him and he chewed.

"Good right?" Noorie asked him.

"It's ok. Our party is gonna be awesome though." Trevor grinned. I rolled my eyes as he explained his elaborate, 10 year anniversary of super sweet sixteen theme. I shut this childish idea down, but now it was back. Bilal's bandmates didn't help. They threw out crazier suggestions and wilder ideas.

"Regretting that deal?" Mara smiled at me.

"You have no idea." I groaned.

The doorbell rang and Bilal got up to answer it.

"Sorry we're late." A brunette greeted everyone. I recognized her as Cat from some of the pictures she tagged Trevor in. A pretty  blond with purple highlights followed her.

The blond was carrying a platter of brownies. She sat them by the other desserts before sitting across from Trevor.

"Hey everyone." She said, giving me a curious look.

"This is Lily." Trevor said, quickly.

Cat brightened. "I'm Cat. This is my roommate Amelia." She said, sitting next to Amelia.

"Nice to meet you." I said, smiling. Cat returned it. Amelia just nodded.

Everyone ate and talked festively. It was an amazing group of people. After eating, we left to go to a bar that Amelia's band was performing at.

Amelia was so quiet at dinner, I didn't know what to expect of her band. She completely transformed on stage. She turned sassy and seductive as they gave popular songs an edgier, rocker twist. I danced with Mara and Cat happily to the band's rendition of Sia's "Chandelier". I pulled Trevor on the floor to dance with me.

We were dancing and having a great time. Then Amelia started to sing Ariana Grande's "Love Me Harder". I squealed excitedly. I love the song! Amelia's version was even better. It was dark, gritty, and sexy, but vulnerable all at the same time. I was entranced by her, until I saw what she was focused on in the crowd. Or who I should say. She was singing in the mic, but staring at Trevor. He glared at her, before he noticed me watching.

"Wanna drink?" Trevor asked me, as I stared between them.

I nodded, my good mood instantly gone. We went to the bar and I ordered a shot. I drank it quickly, focusing on the burn of the alcohol and not the heated glance between Amelia and Trevor. I didn't ask, cause I didn't fucking wanna know.

After their set was over and more drinks, we went back to Bilal's apartment. Amelia was talkative now as everyone praised her performance.

We had dessert and wine. When I put a brownie on my plate, Amelia stopped me.

"They're space cakes." She told me. When I gave her a confused look, she giggled. "Weed." She said, condescendingly.

I took a big bite and moved away from her.

I knew it was stupid when I did it. I never smoked before. I had no bad influencing friends to give it to me in high school. No friends at all to try to peer pressure me into it. The closest I got was a contact high in college, and even then I just got a headache and went to sleep.

It didn't even affect me until 30 minutes later. I felt giddy and happy and was talking incessantly. Trevor stuck close to me the whole entire time, but he left me with Mara and Ian as we chatted about music.

I was having a great time until I heard Amelia giggle. She was standing super close to Trevor and grabbing his hand as they talked with Cat. It immediately made me irritable and pissed off. When she laughed again, anxiety hit me as I worried if she was talking about me. I took a deep breath. It had to be the weed.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I put a cool towel on my head and relaxed. I told myself over and over it was the weed and alcohol making me feel this way. Self doubt crept up as I thought about everything that had been going on recently. It was harder and harder to push it away.

I went back out to the living room, desperate for Trevor to make me forget everything, but he was busy. Talking to Amelia only. As I looked around the room, everyone was happy and relaxed, I realized it wasn't the drugs. It was me.

I went outside and walked around the apartment, anxious, irritable and pissed. I held my phone in my hand. It was 3 in the morning, but I needed to straighten things out with Ethan now. I was doing so well with no drama, but he was the root of all of it. I wanted this darkness out of my life.

It rang and rang and rang. When he didn't answer, I called again, then again and again until he finally picked up.

"Lily?"

"I need to talk to you." I demanded.

"It's 3 in the morning." Ethan sighed.

"I know!" I exclaimed. "Do you know Amber wouldn't let me babysit her kids?!?"

"Ok..."

"That's ok with you? How is that a consequence for my actions Ethan? What do you think I did?" I questioned him.

"That's their parenting decision. I have nothing to do what that." Ethan said, emotionlessly. "You know what you did."

"You know what else is a parenting decision? An abortion!" I said.

"No it's not-" Ethan said, bitterly.

"Yes it is. As a parent, you can choose not to bring a child in the world. To abandon, or neglect or hurt him or her like I was-"

"This is not about you! I would have raised our child if you didn't want it. You took that option away from me!" He raised his voice at me.

"I never had the option Ethan! I lost it!" I screamed at him. When he was silent, I continued. "I didn't know I was pregnant until I was having a miscarriage." I said, my voice breaking.

"Lily-" he said, his voice just as broken as mine.

"Don't Lily me!" I said, anger at the nerve of him to be upset. "How fucking dare you? I went through it the best I could. The last time we spoke you told me it was just fun! You told me to stay out of your life! That's exactly what I did! How was I supposed to tell you I lost our baby?"

"I would have-"

"Blamed me? I blamed myself enough!"

"I wouldn't have-" He said, softly.

"Bullshit. How quickly did you assume I had an abortion?!? After everything we went through. After everything I told you. After everything I thought we had, you believed that I would do that. Fuck you Ethan!!!" I screamed at him, before throwing my phone down.

I stepped on it angrily. Again and again and again. Every crunch under my booties gave me a satisfying little thrill until I burst into tears.

Arms wrapped around me and I heard a soothing voice in my ear.

"It's ok Lily. I'm right here." Trevor said softly in hair. I could tell by his tone of voice he heard everything. It made me cry harder.