Dancing with Myself

"On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm dancing with myself
When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself" Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I focused on my breathing for a moment as everything faded away: the music, Ethan's harsh stare, his grip on my waist that tightened momentarily, and the tiniest tremors overtaking my body. I finally exhaled, and opened my eyes. Ethan was still staring at me, coldly.

"Who told you?" I asked him, calmly.

"You should have told me. I had the right to know." He answered, in a tone that dared me to contradict him.

"Maybe you deserved to know, but you didn't have any rights-" I disagreed with him.

"Don't play word games with me Lily. Is that why you went to California? To hide it from me?"

I looked at him, incredulously. "You're fucking kidding, right? I didn't even know until I was in California!" I hissed at him.

"The second you found out, you should have called me-"

"Really? How Ethan? I had been trying to get in touch with you to apologize for keeping a relationship with EJ. You weren't taking my calls, remember?"

"Yet you kept in touch with him through my brother. So are you really going to lie and make it seem like you tried and couldn't get in touch with me?"

I straightened up and looked him straight in the eyes. "No. I'm not. I didn't get in touch with you and I should have. I'm sorry, but I can't change the past. I made a decision to move on and that's what I've been trying to do." I answered him, sincerely.

"At least we agree on that. You can't change the past. You made a decision. Now you can deal with the consequences of that decision." Ethan said, with finality, before pulling away from me. He walked away, leaving me watching him alone in the middle of the dance floor as he joined his family. He grabbed EJ and didn't give me a second glance. Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I blinked them away.

I met Rocky's glance and nodded towards the door before leaving. She got up and I met her outside.

"What happened?" She asked me, curiously.

"He knows about the miscarriage." I said, surprisingly evenly.

"What? You told him? How did he take it? What did he say? What did you say?" She fired off, rapidly.

"I don't know how he found out, but he's pissed-" I began.

"He's pissed?" Rocky cut me off. "He got you fucking pregnant! How is he upset?"

"Because I didn't tell him." I explained. "Can we go, please? I don't wanna be here anymore."

"Yes, let me get Brandon." Rocky said, turning away.

I went outside to wait for her. Cold weather be damned, I couldn't stay in that room anymore.

"Lily!" I heard as I crossed the parking lot. I looked up to see Jake heading my direction. "Are you ok?" He asked, grabbing my arms.

"Are you ok?" I said, looking at his swelling eye.

"It's fine. But Ethan knows-"

"I know." I said. "He hit you? Why did you tell him?" I asked, so confused. How did it even come up? Why would Ethan hit him?

Jake looked guilty. "I didn't tell him anything. He must have overheard us. He just asked if you were pregnant by him. I told him to talk to you but only if you wanted to. He didn't like that answer."

"Obviously."

"I tried to call you... What did he say to you?"

"That I would have to deal with the consequences of not telling him." I said, shakily. The way he said it, I knew without a doubt I would.

"C'mon. I'll take you home."

"I can't. Rocky needs me to drive. I'm designated driver."

"Is your car at Rocky's?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Give me your keys."

I did and he handed over his.

"I'll meet you at your apartment."

I took the keys and followed his instructions. I drove straight home, numb. I didn't know what to think. I made the decision when I moved back to Dallas to forget about the miscarriage. Even if I didn't think about it, it was always there in the recesses of my mind, but I never imagined having to tell Ethan.

 Even if we would have gotten back together, I wouldn't have told Ethan. What happened, happened. There was no point of subjecting Ethan to it. I thought I had it under control. I wouldn't burden anyone else with my pain, I thought I was over it.

When Jake forced me to tell him, I realized I wasn't over it. Sharing it with Jake and Rocky made me feel like a huge burden was off my shoulders. It was like I no longer had to suffer my conflicting emotions alone.

Jake telling me he was sorry for my loss made me feel like it was ok to grieve. Rocky made me feel like I wasn't damaged goods. I was finally moving on.

Now Ethan knew, and he was so angry at me. I couldn't help but wonder if it was only because I didn't tell him...

I pulled up to my apartment and unlocked my door. I went upstairs, scrubbed my makeup off, put away Rachel's jewelry, and changed into basketball shorts and a tank when I heard my phone ring.

I answered it when I saw it was Rocky.

"Hey, you ok?"

"I'm fine." I sighed. "I just hate that I caused all this drama again, kinda sick of it."

"No. He all of a sudden decided to confront you like that. He's such an entitled dick-"

"I get why he was upset. I wish I had just told him when it happened."

"Bullshit. He's just as responsible. He has a kid. It ain't his first time at the damn rodeo!  He shoulda been thinking about it when he was impregnating you! He knows what happens when you have unprotected sex!" She went off, over the phone.

"It was one time Rocky." I said, smirking. The situation was nowhere near funny, but my sick sense of humor found her outrage humorous.

"5th grade sex ed. Once is all it takes!!!" She argued, passionately.

I couldn't help laughing. I heard someone knocking on the door.

"5th grade huh? I don't think I had sex ed until Jr. High school." I said, checking the peephole. I opened it when I saw it was Jake.

"Had to when an 11 year old got knocked up." Rocky replied.

"Alright Rocky. I'll let you go. Goodnight." I said, hanging up to let Jake in. He stepped inside.

"You can get your keys after you ice your eye." I said, leading him to the kitchen.

"It's fine." He said, following me anyway.

"I don't think so. It's gonna be black." I said, making an ice bag. "How do you explain your bruises at work? It can't be a good look for a security guard to look like he got his ass kicked."

Jake chuckled. "I tell 'em the other guy is in a coma."

I smiled, putting the ice bag on his face. After he replaced my hand with his, I told him, "15 minutes."

We sat down in the living room and he told me word for word what happened.

"I can't believe he hit you. He never loses his cool. I just bring out the worst in people." I shook my head. Ethan, Jake, I suspected Sammy too...

"It wasn't all you. I think he's been pissed at me for a while for dating you." Jake said.

"Ethan doesn't adhere to the bro code." I said.

"I don't think it was the bro code as much as he still has feelings for you." Jake responded.

"Had." I sighed.

"Has. No way would he be that upset if feelings weren't involved." Jake said.  We sat in silence for a moment.

"Just don't date him. He gives me a dick vibe." Jake joked.

I laughed. "Not funny."

"It is a little bit." Jake smiled. "Has it been 15 minutes?"

"No."

"This is cold."

"It's ice genius."

"Think you'd be more appreciative after all the punches I have taken for you."

"Thank you, especially for not hitting him back. I appreciate that." I thanked him, sincerely.

"He was hurt enough." He said, frowning up. "Cariño. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up tonight. I should have never forced you to tell me. I was a hypocrite, demanding the truth from you when I didn't tell you everything." Jake said, looking me in the eye.

"It's ok. At the end of the day, it was all my decision. I have to deal with it." I sighed.

"On another note," I started. "How did you get that list?"

Jake looked away. "Sammy. We were at a bar a last week and she and Corey showed up. She said they were meeting friends. I assumed you would be one of them cause the San Francisco game was on. At half time I asked about you, and she made a comment about Trevor and you being busy. Then she gave me your letter."

"That letter wasn't for you. It was for me. After you blocked me on Facebook and didn't wanna see me, Sammy suggested I write the list to get over you. I got drunk, passed out, and thought I lost it."

Jake shook his head. "What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know." I said. I really didn't. 

"Did it work?" He asked.

"What?"

"The list? Are you over me?"

"Do you ever get over your first love?" I asked him.

"Probably not, but you move on." He answered.

"Hopefully as friends?"

"Sure." Jake nodded. "Just don't expect me to take any more punches for you."

"You would think by now you would learn how to duck." I smiled, taking the ice from his eye. At least it stopped swelling.

"He sucker punched me!" Jake smiled back at me.

----------------------------

Sunday I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning to keep myself occupied. I spoke to a sober Rocky who was a lot more concerned than angry like she was the night before. I reassured her I was ok. She informed me that everyone knew something was up between Ethan and me, but no one knew what. Rocky didn't even tell Brandon. I told her that was Ethan's choice, but I was officially over it.

I understood him being upset. I really did, but what more could I do but apologize? We were in such a weird place back then. We weren't even talking to each other. The one time we had unprotected sex was the last time we had sex. For fun. Before he told me I would basically disappear from their lives. How could I just call and say I had a miscarriage? What could he have done or said that would change anything? Or make me feel better? Nothing. So I didn't.

I do admit, as time passed, I regretted not telling him. So much time had passed, it was too late to tell him anything. When I came back, I still never thought about telling Ethan. While I understood Ethan's feelings, I couldn't change the past, nor do I believe I would have done things differently.

Sunday evening, I sent Sammy a text that we needed to talk. She didn't respond. I did have a text from Megan saying she would come pick up the drums at 6pm.

I gave her a call, asking why.

"You didn't talk to Ethan?" She asked, flabbergasted.

"No..."

"He told me if I wanted EJ to have lessons, they needed to be at my house. I thought you wanted that."

"No. I didn't." I gritted my teeth.

"Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Ethan, but EJ will not be in the middle. I'll be over to get the drums."

I so wanted to tell her she had no room to talk after she used me to cheat on Ethan with my BROTHER, but I couldn't talk about leaving the past in the past and then bring it up for my advantage.

"Ok." I said, simply.

When EJ and Megan came over, I helped them pack up the drums. I hung out with EJ and gave him a hug before they got ready to go.

"Lily." Megan said to me, after she got EJ buckled in. "I don't know what's going on, but you have my number. I will never ask you to babysit, but if you have some free time and wanna hang with EJ, give me a call." She said.

I smiled at her. "Absolutely."

Trevor called me, asking me about the party. He saw video of Rocky's and my dance off, courtesy of Brandon.

I told him how great the party was, omitting the last 30 minutes. Yeah, it was a lie by omission, but no point getting him concerned. Rocky and Jake were both on nonstop checking up on me duty. I didn't need another person on it. We talked about our upcoming birthdays instead.

---------------------

Sammy finally showed up Monday evening after I got off work. I was in the kitchen making Chicken Alfredo when she came in.

"Sammy, I need to talk to you." I called to her.

She sighed loudly and came into the kitchen. I turned away from the stove to look at her. She looked bored and annoyed by my presence.

"Sammy, I wanna apologize again. I had no right following you or talking to you the way I did and I'm sorry." I started.

"Ok." Sammy said, uncharacteristically calm.

"No. It's not ok. I would hate if anyone did that to me and I'm so sorry." I elaborated. "I just got so upset because I don't like that you're sleeping with Ron for money.  I don't see why you do it. You're too smart and have too much to offer to put yourself in that position. It's your life, I'm just asking that you really think about what you're doing."

She just glared at me.

She had officially pissed me off, but I took a deep breath. "You don't have anything to say?" I asked.

"Nope." She said, crossing her arms.

"Really? Nothing?"

"Really, nothing." She repeated.

"I feel like us moving in together is ruining us. With Trevor and Jake and now this, it's too much." I started. "I know about the list you gave to Jake. I understand you trying to get back at me. I'm just trying to make this right. I can't do it by myself."

"It can't be done at all."

My stomach dropped. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I think it would be for the best, for both of us, if I moved out."

"Sammy, we can fix this.  I will respect your space and boundaries-"

"No. Even your apology is weak and condescending. I may be a bitch, but I don't pretend I'm not and apologize for it. You're fake, and I don't wanna be around you anymore."

I nodded. I was hurt, but I wasn't gonna let her see that.

"I'll pay to break the lease-"

I shook my head. "No. We'll just get your name taken off whenever you find a new place."

"Works for me." Sammy said, before heading up the stairs.

I fixed my plate and sat at the table. My phone beeped, signaling a new message. I ignored it, sitting alone. I should probably get used to it.

The thought of being alone wasn't as terrifying as it once was. In fact, I was starting to like the idea of it. I wanted to be independent, strong and able to make my own decisions. Ethan was right: I did have to live with the consequences of my decisions. Being by myself guaranteed my actions and consequences would be my own.