Hellhole Ratrace

"And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on
Come on and laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on
Come on and dance with me
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes baby, you just need someone else"- Hellhole Ratrace by Girls

I was crying silently as Trevor walked me to his car. I got in, not caring where we went as long as it wasn't back in the apartment. I couldn't get myself together and I didn't wanna face everyone after my mini-breakdown. It was bad enough Trevor had to witness it.

I stared down at my legs the whole time, trying to hide my face. I didn't look up until the car stopped. We were at a Super 8 hotel. Trevor got out the car and went into the lobby. After 5 minutes, he came back to get me. By now, the tears had stopped and I wiped my eyes. I was sure my make-up was smeared and my eyes were red, but I got out the car and followed Trevor.

We didn't speak as we went through the lobby,  got on the elevator and walked down the hall to a room. He opened the door for me. I went into the room that had queen double beds and headed straight to the bathroom. I cleaned my face with cold water before patting it dry with a towel. I then went back into the main room. Trevor was sitting at the desk. He watched me as I sat on the bed. His face was surprisingly neutral. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

We studied each other before he broke the silence.

"Do you wanna lay down?" Trevor asked me, softly.

I nodded. I laid down, facing the window that was covered with awful floral design curtains. Trevor laid beside me, spooning me from behind, his arm draped around my waist.

Staring at the curtains, I told Trevor everything. I didn't know how much he heard, so I told him the whole truth. Apparently, it was pretty easy to assume the worst about me. If his feelings or opinion about me were going to change, it might as well be from the truth and not assumptions.

I explained to him about meeting my aunt and finding out the truth about my mom and adoptive father. I knew Trevor thought I was upset about Ethan when he came to visit me, but finding out the truth about my mom was what put me into a depressed state. It was also why I didn't catch all the symptoms of my pregnancy until it was too late.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone." Trevor said, into my hair.

"I chose to. I felt so guilty and ashamed, I didn't want to tell anyone." I answered, numbly. I was guessing all my tears were cried over the subject.

"What made you decide to tell Ethan?" Trevor asked.

"I didn't..." I then explained to him how I told Jake. Trevor's arm tightened around me as I relayed how Jake gave me an ultimatum to either tell him the whole truth or we were over.

"Jake just didn't understand how I was so willing to give everyone else chances and not give him one, especially after what I went through with Ethan. Ethan overheard us." I continued.

Trevor held me tightly but stayed silent.

"I understand Ethan being upset. I just don't understand how he could think I would get an abortion behind his back. He knows how much I love EJ; and how much I care about him. I think Jake was right about us." I lamented.

"About what?" Trevor asked.

"Why I felt connected to Ethan..." I told him about my relationship with Mr. Perez. "I never realized how much he manipulated me and how wrong he was until Jake pointed it out. I felt guilty about sneaking around with Ethan, but never about the sex. I really thought I loved him." I ended.

"And now?" Trevor asked.

"I don't even wanna see him." I said, angrily.

"You're just angry." Trevor said.

"Of course I am! He's so selfish and condescending and a DICK! Not only did he assume that, he fucking told other people that. Will of all people. That's why Amber didn't want me to babysit." I exclaimed.

"Even after you told her the truth?"

I fidgeted. "I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Cause she believed it! How could she believe that about me?" I asked, tears welling back in my eyes.

"That's her mistake, but all you have to do is tell her the truth and forgive her." Trevor said.

"It's that easy for you, huh?" I said, bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Trevor asked, confused.

"I mean, I'm not like you Trevor. You don't understand how I feel! I just can't forgive and forget and laugh things off. It's not my personality-"

"It's not my personality either. I choose not to dwell on the negative, petty stuff." Trevor explained.

"So this is negative and petty? I'm negative and petty?" I said, pulling away from him. He locked me into his embrace with strength I didn't know he had.

"No. I didn't mean it like that. For example, I could be really hurt that you didn't tell me this. I've told you over and over again you can tell me anything and not to keep secrets from me, cause that's not who we are.  I could be upset that you didn't tell me; I choose to appreciate the fact that you're opening up to me now." Trevor said.

"I didn't want to keep secrets from you Trevor. I just didn't want the way you feel about me to change." I confessed.

"Turn over for a second." He requested.

I did, staring at the button of his shirt.

"It does change how I feel." He admitted.

The tears flowed freely now that he confirmed my worst fears. I sniffed, shrinking away from him, but he didn't allow me to. He stroked my hair, tilting my head back so I was forced to look at him. I turned my face away, ignoring how good his touch felt. I couldn't stand looking at him now, no matter how my body reacted to him.

"You've been through so much by yourself. You're so strong and brave and caring. It makes me wanna be with you even more." Trevor confessed, against my face.

"Trevor-"

"You don't have to respond to that. When you know your feelings, we can have that talk."

"I know my feelings." I said, turning to look him in the eye. "It's more than just friends or like a brother. I'm still not ready for a relationship yet." I said.

"Regardless of what we are, I need you to know there is nothing you can't tell me. I do forgive and forget and laugh things off, but that's not because I don't understand how you feel. It's a choice Lilypad." Trevor explained.

"What do you mean?" I said, confused.

"I mean life is hard. I choose to enjoy it anyway and trust when things get rough, I have people I can depend on. You're one of those people I depend on. Let me be the same for you." Trevor replied.

I nodded, staring into his bright blue eyes. He stared right back, rubbing his thumb against my lips. His caress was sending warmth all throughout my body and I parted my lips, anticipating more. He pulled back instead, pulling the covers from underneath me and tucking me in.

I was a little confused by his actions or lack of actions, but I didn't dwell on it long. The lateness and emotional stress left me exhausted and I fell fast asleep.

---------------------

"...I know. I wasn't thinking."

I woke up to the sound of Trevor talking on his phone. I opened my eyes and stretched. I looked around, trying to remember where I put my phone. I winced remembering where it was, smashed in the parking lot of Bilal's apartment.

"We'll be back today. I'm sorry you were worried, but we're fine. Talk to you later." Trevor said, before hanging up the phone.

I sat up and moved to the end of the bed.

"Who was that?" I asked. He came over and sat on the bed with me.

"Your brother. Rocky called him when she couldn't get in touch with you." Trevor responded.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "Why would she do that?"

"Ethan was looking for you. He told her everything." Trevor said, watching me closely.

"Urgh, fuck my life." I groaned, falling back on the bed. "I swear I was really going to try the whole positive thing, but it's like one shit storm after another. Have you talked to Rocky?"

"Yep."

I sat back up. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how mad was she?"

"1000." Trevor answered. I groaned and flopped back down.

"Just great. Thanksgiving's really gonna suck this year."

"You're still going to go?" Trevor asked.

"Well, yeah, I was planning on it but if it's going be drama, I might just skip thanksgiving all together."

"You can come home with me." Trevor suggested.

I sat up to look at him. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" Trevor asked.

"Wouldn't it be weird? What would you introduce me as?" I asked.

Trevor grinned. "My friend?"

I hid my disappointment. "Um, maybe." I said, standing up. Trevor grabbed my hand when I tried to move away. I snatched my hand away and headed for the bathroom. I ignored his laughter as I went into the bathroom. I took my time washing my face, rinsing out my mouth and trying to make myself as presentable as possible.

Trevor really had me confused. One moment, he was saying he wanted to be with me, then he didn't even try to kiss me when I was more than available, now he wanted to introduce me as just a friend. What was wrong with him?

I finally emerged from the bathroom. He was standing, waiting for me, smiling. I gave him a dirty glare which made him laugh at me again. I snapped.

"What's so fucking funny?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy." He smiled at me.

"Why? You freaking psychopath." I muttered.

"Because you're questioning what we are and your feelings for me." He said, matter of factly.

"Are you questioning your feelings for me?" I asked him, straight out.

"No..."

"Then why didn't you kiss me last night?" I asked him, putting my hands on my hip.

"It wouldn't have stopped at a kiss." Trevor answered, plainly. He snaked his arms between mine, resting them on my lower back. "I want you Lily, but not until you're ready to be together."

I trembled at his words. "I still need to work on myself."

"Why can't you do that with me?" He asked, before pressing his lips against mine. His lips felt familiar but strange. It was sweet and soft, but the threat of more heightened the intensity. The kiss was amazing, but terrifying. I couldn't fully enjoy it because I was worrying about what it meant for us. I was shaking when he finally pulled away.

"Think about it." Trevor said, letting me go. "Until you're ready, we're still friends. Always." He finished, before leading us out of the hotel room.



We went back to Bilal's apartment to change, gather our stuff, then head back to Dallas. Bilal looked at us questioningly, but none of us brought up the night before. I said goodbye to Noorie and Bilal, making them promise to come out for our birthday party. On the drive home, I had a lot to think about. By the time I got home, I made up my mind about Trevor and Thanksgiving.