Just a Friend

"You can call me anytime you like 
It doesn't matter day or night 
We can do whatever you 
Wanna do it's up to you
Don't fight the feeling that you feel
I can tell that its real
So won't you help me understand
Why you say I'm just a friend?
Oh baby you
Got what I need 
But you say I'm just a friend 
But you say I'm just a friend 
Cause I can be your fantasy
But you say I'm just a friend 
But you say I'm just a friend" Just a Friend by Mario


“So let me get this straight…” Rocky started, Tuesday evening as we went shopping for Thanksgiving. “You kissed Trevor, and you’re going to his family for Thanksgiving-“

“Before dinner at your house.” I added.

“But you are going to Trevor’s grandma's house for Thanksgiving as his what?”

“Friend.” I answered, throwing cans of crescents rolls in the shopping cart.

She shook her head at me before contemplating different cheeses. “You know that makes no sense, especially after y'all kissed.”

I knew that. I thought about it the whole drive down. I had so many conflicting feelings, that I decided not to make a choice or worry about it. I was just going to do what I wanted, without over thinking it. I wanted to spend time with Trevor, without any commitment. I was sure I wasn't ready for that with anyone.

Surprisingly for Trevor, no commitment meant nothing physical. That kiss was as far as he would go with me until I was ready for a relationship, which was probably for the  best. My previous relationships were based on sex. Those turned out so well...

"Right now, we're friends. Nothing more." I told her with a shrug. “I don't know what the future will bring, but it works for us now.”

“Ok." Rocky said, throwing cream cheese and  cheddar in the cart. A sour expression crossed her face. "Have you spoken to Ethan?” She  asked.

“Through text.” I answered.

When I came back in town Sunday, the first place I went was the store to buy a new phone. Trevor went with me, and  started the whole IPhone versus Android debate. I thought it was silly to pay that much for an IPhone just for a name. Trevor quickly corrected my mistake, telling me how much more an IPhone can do than an Android. 2 days later, I was still trying to figure out the cool new features. I did figure out my messages. I had voicemail and texts from Ethan, Rocky, Cam, and Amber.

I called Rocky right away. Trevor already told me he talked her down, but she was still raging mad at Ethan. After Ethan told her what happened between us when he showed up at her house at 4 in the morning looking for me, she went off on him.

 I loved her to death for her protectiveness, but I told her it wasn't her place to defend me. That was her boyfriend's brother; there was no need to make it uncomfortable between them. Besides, I needed to start protecting and standing up for myself. I did that in my text to Ethan.

He left me voicemail on Sunday. The first was a shockingly emotional plea with me to talk to him. He said:

"Please call me back. I know you're rightfully upset. I deserve every bit of it. I need to talk to you. Please pick up."

The second was full of concern.

"Lily, where are you? I get that you don't wanna talk to me and you need your space, but will you at least call Rocky so we know that you're ok?"

The last one he sounded just...defeated.

"I don't know how much it means to you now, especially through voicemail, but I'm sorry Lily. I don't know what to do to make this right. My only excuse is that this all just hit me out of nowhere and I made a mistake. I just... wish you would have told me then. I wish I would have asked now. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. Just tell me what to do to fix this, and I'll do it. I'll be here for you now.

It took a day to figure out what I wanted to say to him. I was still so upset with him, but the tone in his voice made me hurt for him as well. Then I would feel angry for feeling bad for him. I just made the decision not to waste anymore energy on him. At the end of the day, he proven time and time again he wasn't worthy of my affection or my time. I wasn't wasting anymore on him.

I sent him a text that read:

Me: I got your messages. I accept your apology. I can understand this is all just happening for you, but it's been years for me. The time we could have gone through this together has passed. I accepted that as my consequence for not telling you. I'm sorry for any and all the pain I caused you. I think that's the only consistent thing in our relationship is hurting each other. The only way to fix this is to just move on.

I knew a text was the easy way out, but it was the only way I could say what I needed to say. Even then, my hands were shaking as I sent the text.

My heart jumped out of my chest when I saw him typing a reply that evening

Ethan: Ok

I turned to Rocky as we loaded eggs in the front of the cart.

"I told him we just needed to move on. We haven't been in each other's life long enough to have so many problems. We can be cordial, but at this point, I don't even see us being friends. I don't think we ever were." I told Rocky.

"I'm just saying, you know we are eating at noon. If he's the reason you're not coming into later-"

"What? You'll uninvite him?" I grinned. "That's your future brother in law."

"Exactly. I've been accommodating because of Brandon. You are my family. The second he started messing with you, the gloves came off. That goes for Will too." Rocky said, heatedly.

"I don't even care about Will. It's no secret we don't like each other. And to an extent, a very small extent, I understand why Ethan may have jumped to that conclusion because I hid it from him. Amber should have known better." I pointed out.

The only person I haven't spoken to was Amber. As many times I watched her kids when she was chasing behind Will and was there for her when he treated her wrong, for her to just run with what Will said without at least questioning it? That's what hurt the most. Not only hurt, it pissed me off.

"Amber is lovestoned. That man can do no wrong, and when he does, it's not his fault. She's always been like that. Don't expect it to change." Rocky said, as we continued to walk up and down the aisle, picking up the last of our groceries on our list.

"That's not what Justin Timberlake was talking about when he wrote LoveStoned for me." I smiled.

"You know FutureSex/LoveSounds was my album." Rocky laughed.

"Whatever. You don't like modern music, remember?"

"Justin is the exception to all my rules."

"Mine too!" I smiled.

After checking out, we loaded the groceries in Brandon's SUV and drove back to the house. Brandon helped us unloaded the bags from the car. After we put away the groceries, I got ready to head home, telling them I would see them tomorrow as soon as I got off work.

Rocky did a lot of her cooking and prep on Thanksgiving eve, so that Thanksgiving consisted of a little cooking and a lot of eating throughout the day. Her mom and two brothers would be arriving around noon, so I planned to be there to help out and hang out with them. I haven't seen them in forever.

Brandon walked me out to my car. I was waiting for him to say whatever he needed to about the situation with his brother. Rocky told Ethan off in front of Brandon, so he knew everything. I waited expectantly, but he just gave me a hug.

"Get home safe okay?" Brandon said as I looked at him, confused.

"Ok. Goodnight." I said, thrown off, but grateful. I got out of there before anything else weird happened.

------------------

Wednesday, I spent my lunch at work with Jordan and Q. Jordan and Derek were hosting a friendsgiving potluck that consisted of Dickey's BBQ Turkey and fixing and everyone bringing what they wanted. I already told her my plans, but she still encouraged me to stop by if I wanted. She told me Sammy and Corey would be there too. Jordan knew Sammy had moved out, but not about the falling out we had. It just reminded me I needed to get in touch with Sammy to get her name off the lease. I decided I would wait until after the holiday.

As I walked back inside the clinic, Kendall stopped me on his way out.

"I decided how you can pay me back for working your weekend." He announced.

"Ok. How?" I responded.

"What are you doing Friday?"

"I don't know. Probably hanging with family, eating leftovers."

"Friday night we should hang out." He suggested.

"No. I'm not dating at all. Even if I was, I wouldn't date someone I work with." I turned him down.

"I'm not looking to date either. Just hang out. It can be a group thing."

"Why don't I just work one of your weekends?" I changed the subject.

He nodded before taking off.

Awkward.

I got off work, headed home to change and straighten up a bit, then went straight to Rocky's house. I immediately got excited when I saw her older brother's Riley's candy red Impala parked in the driveway. There was another unfamiliar car sitting outside the house too. I let myself into the house. I heard Mama's Smith laughter ringing out from the kitchen.

Mama Smith!" I squealed, excitedly as I walked in the kitchen.

"Lily!!! Girl, c'mere!" She demanded, holding her arms out wide.

I hugged her tightly. "It's been too long!"

"Mmmhmm, especially since you can find the time to make it out to Austin." Mama Smith pointed out.

"I know. I'm sorry." I smiled.

"I know you are. Now do better!" She said, stepping back to take a look at me. "You look good girl. I thought you may be photoshopping yourself."

"I don't know how to do that." I laughed.

"Neither does Beyonce, but she does it." Mama Smith cracked.

"You look good too!" I complimented her. She did. She hadn't aged at all. Her brown skin was smooth, and she was naturally small and petite like Rocky. She showed off her body in skinny jeans and a low cut blouse.

"Don't I tho? People don't believe I'm a grandma. I tell em into I see some DNA, I don't believe it either."

"Don't start momma." Riley, Rocky's eldest brother interrupted, coming in from outside. His girlfriend and two boys trailed them. The eldest was 12, the youngest was 8. Riley worked for an Oil rig that keep his his body in shape. He was tall and lean, with long dreads, smooth skin and a youthful, fine face that kept him popular with the ladies.

"Not these two. I know these are my grandboys. It's the other ones I question." Mama Smith chuckled, getting her grandsons a can of soda.

Rocky reintroduced me to Riley' s girlfriend Allison. Riley and Allison had been on and off since high school, resulting in two kids between them and two other baby mommas with one child a piece. Mama Smith always told Riley he needed to get a vasectomy if he keep messing with chickenheads. While I might not have said it that way, I definitely agreed.

"Its great to see y'all again." I smiled at them.

When Ramon walked in from outside, I went over and gave him a huge hug. He was the middle child at 31 and took more after his mom look wise than his brother. He was quiet, but sweet. He was a pediatrician and encouraged me when I thought I wanted to go to med school too.

"How have you been Ramon?" I asked him, when I pulled away.

"Good. How bout you?" He asked me.

"About the same."  I smiled at him.

We caught up as we started cooking. Mama Smith had the kids and Allison tearing the greens from the stems while she worked on the pies. Rocky was working on the cakes and Ramon and I prepped all the vegetables and sides. Riley claimed he was supervising while flipping channels on the TV. Mama Smith told him he would be on rolls and punch duty on Thursday cause that's all he could do.

"Don't be like y'all's daddy. A real man can cook." Mama Smith declared, putting a pumpkin pie in the oven.

"Oh yeah, how's that working with the ladies Ray?" Riley asked Ramon with a smirk.

I shot daggers at Riley while Ramon ignored him. Ramon hadn't came out, but it was a well known secret that he was gay.

"I'm gonna put that on my list." I said, changing the subject as I chopped celery.

"What list?" Ramon asked.

"The qualities for the next guy I date. He needs to be able to cook." I stated.

"What else is on this list?" Mama Smith asked me, working on a sweet potato pie next.

"I don't know. I just started it." I smiled.

"Umph, make sure it has mature, relaxed, and not a punk." Mama Smith commented, looking at me as she stirred cinnamon into her orange mixture. Ramon gave me a thankful look. I cut my eyes at Rocky. Rocky just smirked.

"Yes ma'am." I said, plainly.

"Really Lily, where are you finding these dudes? It goes from bad to worse. I get it. You have daddy issue, but there comes a time you gotta let that shit go." She lectured me.

"I'm working on it." I assured her.

"You betta be. Cause if I hear anymore nonsense, I'm gonna drive down here myself and beat the guy you're dating then you." She threatened.

"Alright momma. She gets it." Rocky interrupted.

"We can get started on you. All the guys she dated had one thing in common: Brandon. So what's that say about him?" Mama Smith snapped at her.

Riley chuckled and Mama Smith turned on him.

"You have no reason to be laughing. You bounce between women like a ball at a tennis court. Back and forth, baby here, baby there. I raised you better than that. And this females let you." Mama Smith said, cutting her eyes at Allison.

The front door opened. I was terrified it might be Brandon. Rocky's eyes widen too. Mama Smith was on a roll. Brandon was about to come home and be the next victim. We both were relieved when we saw Trevor walk through the kitchen.

"Rene." He exclaimed, making a beeline for her. "You look sexier every time I see you. Can we finally tell your kids about us?"

"Boy stop!" Mama Smith giggled, hugging him back.

"Yeah boy, stop. That's my momma you talking about." Riley narrowed his eyes at Trevor.

"You shut up. At least he has the common sense to wrap it up. Dipping your little-"

"Hey Hey!" Trevor cut her off, laughing. "Kids are present. We'll tell 'em later." Trevor greeted everyone before washing his hand.

"What can I help with?" He asked.

"When did you start cooking?" Mama Smith asked him.

"Last weekend. I can make mashed potatoes now." Trevor winked at me. I smiled.

"From scratch? Not that instant crap." Rocky asked.

"Just give me some potatoes."

Brandon showed up an hour later with take out. Wine and Trevor had Mama Smith in a great mood and she greeted him warmly.

Most of the prep work was done. The greens were blanched, the cornbread dressing and multiple casseroles were in the refrigerator ready to be popped in the oven, the potatoes were coked, mashed and seasoned, the turkey was in it's brine, the pies were cooled and wrapped and Rocky was finishing icing the cakes. The rest of the food was either being done in the morning or the Carters were bringing.

After we cleaned, we sat down to eat the fried chicken dinner Brandon brought home. We discussed sleeping arrangements after we ate.

"I figured Riley, Allison, and the kids can have my extra room and Ramon can have my room. We can head over there when y'all are ready." I informed them.

"Where are you sleeping?" Ramon asked me.

"Trevor and I are going to head out early for his grandma's house. It's like a two hour drive. I figured I would just stay at his place. That way I'll be able to see my brother before he leaves." I explained, putting up my plate.

Trevor looked at his phone. "Yeah, they should be leaving soon. We better get moving."

As Riley and Ramon gathered their things, Mama Smith turned to Trevor. "I see how you do me. I didn't get an invite to spend the night."

"I figured you wanna spend time with your daughter. I don't want her to think I'm trying to steal you away." Trevor smiled.

"Uh huh. What are you and Lily planning to do tonight?" She asked, suggestively. I blushed at her tone.

"Sleep. You know we're just friends." Trevor smiled.

"Mmmhmmm, heard that one before."

We laughed before saying goodnight and driving to my apartment. I left my keys to my car and townhouse with Ramon. I said goodnight before hopping in Trevor's car. We drove over to my brother's apartment. Jenna was from Kansas City, Missouri, so they were driving tonight and planned to get there in the morning.

I wished my brother good luck. He met her family before, but they were announcing their engagement over the holiday. Jenna already reassured us they loved him, so I was hoping it went smoothly.

After telling them goodbye, we went to Trevor's apartment. He made us kettle corn and hot chocolate and we ate in his bed. He turned on "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."

"My mom loves the Peanuts Gang. She has a ton of memorabilia. Every holiday we watched the themed Charlie Brown movie." Trevor smiled.

I laughed and put my hot chocolate down to cuddle with him. The movie was cute. I saw it a long time ago. I looked over to grab some popcorn. I stopped, watching Trevor instead. He lite up as he laughed at the gang's shenanigans. Even in the dark room, his eyes shone so bright. I watched the lights from the TV dance across his face. It was more entertaining watching Trevor watch the movie than the actually cartoon.

"What?" Trevor asked looking over at me as the movie ended.

"Nothing." I smiled, grabbing a handful of popcorn. I munched happily as I watched Snoopy and Woodstock devour their Thanksgiving meal as the credits rolled.

Hellhole Ratrace

"And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on
Come on and laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on
Come on and dance with me
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes baby, you just need someone else"- Hellhole Ratrace by Girls

I was crying silently as Trevor walked me to his car. I got in, not caring where we went as long as it wasn't back in the apartment. I couldn't get myself together and I didn't wanna face everyone after my mini-breakdown. It was bad enough Trevor had to witness it.

I stared down at my legs the whole time, trying to hide my face. I didn't look up until the car stopped. We were at a Super 8 hotel. Trevor got out the car and went into the lobby. After 5 minutes, he came back to get me. By now, the tears had stopped and I wiped my eyes. I was sure my make-up was smeared and my eyes were red, but I got out the car and followed Trevor.

We didn't speak as we went through the lobby,  got on the elevator and walked down the hall to a room. He opened the door for me. I went into the room that had queen double beds and headed straight to the bathroom. I cleaned my face with cold water before patting it dry with a towel. I then went back into the main room. Trevor was sitting at the desk. He watched me as I sat on the bed. His face was surprisingly neutral. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

We studied each other before he broke the silence.

"Do you wanna lay down?" Trevor asked me, softly.

I nodded. I laid down, facing the window that was covered with awful floral design curtains. Trevor laid beside me, spooning me from behind, his arm draped around my waist.

Staring at the curtains, I told Trevor everything. I didn't know how much he heard, so I told him the whole truth. Apparently, it was pretty easy to assume the worst about me. If his feelings or opinion about me were going to change, it might as well be from the truth and not assumptions.

I explained to him about meeting my aunt and finding out the truth about my mom and adoptive father. I knew Trevor thought I was upset about Ethan when he came to visit me, but finding out the truth about my mom was what put me into a depressed state. It was also why I didn't catch all the symptoms of my pregnancy until it was too late.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone." Trevor said, into my hair.

"I chose to. I felt so guilty and ashamed, I didn't want to tell anyone." I answered, numbly. I was guessing all my tears were cried over the subject.

"What made you decide to tell Ethan?" Trevor asked.

"I didn't..." I then explained to him how I told Jake. Trevor's arm tightened around me as I relayed how Jake gave me an ultimatum to either tell him the whole truth or we were over.

"Jake just didn't understand how I was so willing to give everyone else chances and not give him one, especially after what I went through with Ethan. Ethan overheard us." I continued.

Trevor held me tightly but stayed silent.

"I understand Ethan being upset. I just don't understand how he could think I would get an abortion behind his back. He knows how much I love EJ; and how much I care about him. I think Jake was right about us." I lamented.

"About what?" Trevor asked.

"Why I felt connected to Ethan..." I told him about my relationship with Mr. Perez. "I never realized how much he manipulated me and how wrong he was until Jake pointed it out. I felt guilty about sneaking around with Ethan, but never about the sex. I really thought I loved him." I ended.

"And now?" Trevor asked.

"I don't even wanna see him." I said, angrily.

"You're just angry." Trevor said.

"Of course I am! He's so selfish and condescending and a DICK! Not only did he assume that, he fucking told other people that. Will of all people. That's why Amber didn't want me to babysit." I exclaimed.

"Even after you told her the truth?"

I fidgeted. "I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Cause she believed it! How could she believe that about me?" I asked, tears welling back in my eyes.

"That's her mistake, but all you have to do is tell her the truth and forgive her." Trevor said.

"It's that easy for you, huh?" I said, bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Trevor asked, confused.

"I mean, I'm not like you Trevor. You don't understand how I feel! I just can't forgive and forget and laugh things off. It's not my personality-"

"It's not my personality either. I choose not to dwell on the negative, petty stuff." Trevor explained.

"So this is negative and petty? I'm negative and petty?" I said, pulling away from him. He locked me into his embrace with strength I didn't know he had.

"No. I didn't mean it like that. For example, I could be really hurt that you didn't tell me this. I've told you over and over again you can tell me anything and not to keep secrets from me, cause that's not who we are.  I could be upset that you didn't tell me; I choose to appreciate the fact that you're opening up to me now." Trevor said.

"I didn't want to keep secrets from you Trevor. I just didn't want the way you feel about me to change." I confessed.

"Turn over for a second." He requested.

I did, staring at the button of his shirt.

"It does change how I feel." He admitted.

The tears flowed freely now that he confirmed my worst fears. I sniffed, shrinking away from him, but he didn't allow me to. He stroked my hair, tilting my head back so I was forced to look at him. I turned my face away, ignoring how good his touch felt. I couldn't stand looking at him now, no matter how my body reacted to him.

"You've been through so much by yourself. You're so strong and brave and caring. It makes me wanna be with you even more." Trevor confessed, against my face.

"Trevor-"

"You don't have to respond to that. When you know your feelings, we can have that talk."

"I know my feelings." I said, turning to look him in the eye. "It's more than just friends or like a brother. I'm still not ready for a relationship yet." I said.

"Regardless of what we are, I need you to know there is nothing you can't tell me. I do forgive and forget and laugh things off, but that's not because I don't understand how you feel. It's a choice Lilypad." Trevor explained.

"What do you mean?" I said, confused.

"I mean life is hard. I choose to enjoy it anyway and trust when things get rough, I have people I can depend on. You're one of those people I depend on. Let me be the same for you." Trevor replied.

I nodded, staring into his bright blue eyes. He stared right back, rubbing his thumb against my lips. His caress was sending warmth all throughout my body and I parted my lips, anticipating more. He pulled back instead, pulling the covers from underneath me and tucking me in.

I was a little confused by his actions or lack of actions, but I didn't dwell on it long. The lateness and emotional stress left me exhausted and I fell fast asleep.

---------------------

"...I know. I wasn't thinking."

I woke up to the sound of Trevor talking on his phone. I opened my eyes and stretched. I looked around, trying to remember where I put my phone. I winced remembering where it was, smashed in the parking lot of Bilal's apartment.

"We'll be back today. I'm sorry you were worried, but we're fine. Talk to you later." Trevor said, before hanging up the phone.

I sat up and moved to the end of the bed.

"Who was that?" I asked. He came over and sat on the bed with me.

"Your brother. Rocky called him when she couldn't get in touch with you." Trevor responded.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "Why would she do that?"

"Ethan was looking for you. He told her everything." Trevor said, watching me closely.

"Urgh, fuck my life." I groaned, falling back on the bed. "I swear I was really going to try the whole positive thing, but it's like one shit storm after another. Have you talked to Rocky?"

"Yep."

I sat back up. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how mad was she?"

"1000." Trevor answered. I groaned and flopped back down.

"Just great. Thanksgiving's really gonna suck this year."

"You're still going to go?" Trevor asked.

"Well, yeah, I was planning on it but if it's going be drama, I might just skip thanksgiving all together."

"You can come home with me." Trevor suggested.

I sat up to look at him. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" Trevor asked.

"Wouldn't it be weird? What would you introduce me as?" I asked.

Trevor grinned. "My friend?"

I hid my disappointment. "Um, maybe." I said, standing up. Trevor grabbed my hand when I tried to move away. I snatched my hand away and headed for the bathroom. I ignored his laughter as I went into the bathroom. I took my time washing my face, rinsing out my mouth and trying to make myself as presentable as possible.

Trevor really had me confused. One moment, he was saying he wanted to be with me, then he didn't even try to kiss me when I was more than available, now he wanted to introduce me as just a friend. What was wrong with him?

I finally emerged from the bathroom. He was standing, waiting for me, smiling. I gave him a dirty glare which made him laugh at me again. I snapped.

"What's so fucking funny?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy." He smiled at me.

"Why? You freaking psychopath." I muttered.

"Because you're questioning what we are and your feelings for me." He said, matter of factly.

"Are you questioning your feelings for me?" I asked him, straight out.

"No..."

"Then why didn't you kiss me last night?" I asked him, putting my hands on my hip.

"It wouldn't have stopped at a kiss." Trevor answered, plainly. He snaked his arms between mine, resting them on my lower back. "I want you Lily, but not until you're ready to be together."

I trembled at his words. "I still need to work on myself."

"Why can't you do that with me?" He asked, before pressing his lips against mine. His lips felt familiar but strange. It was sweet and soft, but the threat of more heightened the intensity. The kiss was amazing, but terrifying. I couldn't fully enjoy it because I was worrying about what it meant for us. I was shaking when he finally pulled away.

"Think about it." Trevor said, letting me go. "Until you're ready, we're still friends. Always." He finished, before leading us out of the hotel room.



We went back to Bilal's apartment to change, gather our stuff, then head back to Dallas. Bilal looked at us questioningly, but none of us brought up the night before. I said goodbye to Noorie and Bilal, making them promise to come out for our birthday party. On the drive home, I had a lot to think about. By the time I got home, I made up my mind about Trevor and Thanksgiving.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

"Love of mine, some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"'s on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark"- I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Before I went to bed Friday night, I checked my phone. Rocky and Amber tried to call me. Rocky texted me too, to see how I was doing. I texted her back that I was fine and she didn't need to check on me.  I was sure Amber called to set up what time to drop off the kids, so I would call her back in the morning. Trevor tagged me in photos of him and his Austin crew out, captioning them:

Wish you were here

 I liked the pictures as I looked them over. It looked like they were having fun.

Sammy also posted pictures of her new place. She tagged them 

#Freedom#NewNew#Upgrade.

I put my phone away after looking through them.

------------

When I woke up Saturday morning, I texted Amber, asking her if she was up. She replied that she was, so I gave her a call.

"Good morning." I said cheerfully.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Amber asked.

"Good, what time are you dropping off the kids?"

"I'm not..."

"Oh. Does Will have to work?"

"No. The kids are going to spend the night with his parents."

"They could have spent the night here! I wanted to spend time with them." I exclaimed.

"Can I come over to talk to you about this?" She asked, nervously.

"Is everything ok? Do I need to come get you?" I said, now worried.

"No, I'm fine. I just need to talk to you in person." Amber said.

"Alright. I'm at home."

After I got off the phone, I took a long hot shower and washed my hair. Jasmine may or may not have been a bitch about it, but cheap hair dyes were cheap for a reason. Every time I washed my hair, the dye washed out too. After I showered, I blow dried my hair. Satisfied it hasn't fallen out and it was still dark, I just put my hair up in a bun. I was pulling on a pair of jeans when I heard knocking on the front door.

I quickly threw on a shirt before rushing down the stairs. I opened the door for Amber. She gave me a little smile.

"Hey, wanna drink?" I asked, politely.

I was glad when she declined. We could just get on with it. We sat in the living room.

"Have you seen Sammy's new place?" Amber asked.

"No... I doubt I'll be getting an invite." I started. "Is that what you wanna talk about? Sammy?"

"No..." She said, nervously, which only increased my worries. She hated confrontations, so I just knew I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

"Did you have an abortion?" Amber blurted out. When I just stared at her, shocked, she continued. "No judgments, I just wanna know what you were thinking-"

I listened to her, bewildered and confused. Why would she ever think that? She knew I was on birth control, we discussed options when she had to pick a new method. The implant she had was causing her to gain weight. Why the fuck would she think Jake and I got pregnant...

"...Ethan is really hurt by all this..."

Ethan? What the fuck? Then it fucking hit me, like a bulldozer mowing me over.

"Ethan told you that?" I said, horrified. Then, I thought about it. "Will told you that?!?!" I corrected.

"Lily, why didn't you tell me? You know I'm always here for you..." she started, resting her hand on my shoulder. I shook her hand off of me.

"Is this why you don't want me to watch the kids?!?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.

She looked away. "Will just feels like it's not a great idea until-"

"Fuck how Will feels. I'm asking you! Or does Will do the thinking for you now?!?" I interrupted her.

"Lily, don't make this about Will." Amber said, exasperated.

"No. This is all about you. I already know Will is an asshole-"

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to you attack my husband. I came here as a friend-" She said, firmly, standing up.

"Any friend of mine would have asked me before deciding it wasn't a great idea to watch her kids, so I guess we're not that great of friends." I said, standing up too.

She looked hurt, but I stood unmoving. I showed her out the door, slamming it behind her. Angry tears fell down my face, but I wiped them away. I stomped up the stairs, phone in hand. I called Trevor.

"Hello?" He said, hoarsely. My phone call obviously woke him up.

"Hey Trevor. Sorry for waking you."

"It's ok. What's up?" He said, groggily.

"Am I still invited for dinner?" I asked.

"Absolutely! Get yourself down here!" Trevor said, enthusiastically.

I smiled through my tears. "Ok. See you soon."

My next call was to Kendall. I asked him if he wouldn't mind covering my weekend at work. I wanted Sandra to know beforehand so if anything came up, she knew who to call.

"You owe me." He reluctantly agreed.

"Yes I do. Thank you Kendall!"

I texted Sandra and let her know that Kendall was covering for me. While I packed a bag, my phone rang. I picked it up when I saw it was Trevor.

"You remember how to get here?" He said, fully awake now.

"No-" I started.

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"No! There's a thing called GPS. Think I'm gonna use that." I said, sarcastically.

"Alright smart ass. Drive carefully. And fast."

I laughed. "Will do."

I threw my bag in my car, plugged in Bilal's address and drove. The open road and my music blaring drowned out my thoughts. It was so peaceful to just get away and not think. I felt like I arrived at Bilal's apartment way too soon. I walked to his door, bag in hand, and rang the doorbell. Trevor's grinning face as he greeted me made me smile too.

"About time Lilypad!" Trevor said, pulling me in for a hug.

"I made it here in three and a half hours." I laughed, hugging him back.

"I got it down to three hours."  He countered, pulling away.

"How many speeding tickets do you have?" Bilal asked, greeting me at the door with a hug too.

"None at the moment." Trevor replied.

"C'mon in." Bilal ushered me inside, taking my bag and handing it to Trevor. While Trevor took it in the extra room, Bilal led me to the kitchen. Two pretty brunettes were busy cooking in the kitchen.

"Lily, this is Noorie and Mara. Noorie is my girlfriend and Mara is her best friend."

"Lily! So good to finally met you. I've heard so much about you." Noorie said, smiling at me.

"Nice to meet you too and don't believe anything Bilal or Trevor have told you." I smiled.

"They only had positive things to say." Noorie laughed.

"Yeah, it ruins the shock of how awful she is when you really get to know her." Trevor winked at me. Everyone laughed as I winced. Apparently there was some truth to that, especially if we were judging by how quickly I was losing friends...

"Can I do anything to help?" I asked.

"Sure!" Noorie said.

I washed my hands and asked what I could do. Noorie explained she was a vegetarian, so she ordered out for rotisserie chicken. The only thing she and Mara were making were a ton of sides and desserts. Noorie had Trevor snapping green beans and Bilal peeling potatoes while Mara made two desserts, apple cheesecake bars and a pumpkin roll.

I assisted Noorie with the black bean casserole, stuffed mushrooms, and a kale and cauliflower tart while I waited for Bilal and Trevor to finish so I could make spicy mashed potatoes and steamed green beans. Noorie and I were talking about our jobs, she's a music columnist at a local newspaper, when Trevor approached us with the green beans.

"Done!" He announced, handing them over.

"Congratulations! You get to go help Bilal!" Noorie smiled.

"No way. That was his job, I'm done with mine." Trevor said.

"You had the easiest job! Snapping green beans, that's a kid job." Bilal protested.

"Still beat you." Trevor argued. I laughed at him.

"Since you're done so fast, you can make the potatoes."

"I'd rather watch." Trevor grinned.

"Lazy." I said, moving over to the counter to help Bilal cut the potatoes.

"No. I'm learning. Like a cooking show." Trevor stated.

"I wanted my own cooking show growing up." Mara laughed, putting a pan in the oven.

"Not me. I learned how to cook out of necessity." Noorie said.

"What about you Lily?" Trevor asked me.

"No... Unless it's one of those travel shows. Were you go around and eat foods." I admitted.

"You would." Trevor smiled.

"Whatever. Get over here." I said. I instructed him on how to cube the potatoes as I got a pot of water boiling. After the potatoes were cooked, I handed Trevor a masher.

"What is this?" He said, looking at it like it was a foreign object.

"A potato masher." I laughed. I dumped the cooked and drained potatoes in a bowl. "Get to work."

While he mashed, I grabbed my glass of wine and teased him. "Don't lose the rhythm. Use both hands!"

Trevor smiled at me, mashing the potatoes harder. "Is this how you like it?"

"Oh yeah! Harder!" I grinned, sipping my wine. "Faster, Trevor, faster!" I cheered, suggestively.

Everyone laughed at us and Trevor and I joined in.

"I woulda learned how to cook a long time ago if I knew it was so sexy." Trevor winked at me.

"Yeah, your mom should have shown you..." I joked.

"Gross Lily." Trevor said, over all of our laughter.

After we finished cooking, Bilal went to go pick up the chicken while Trevor and I retired to the room to get dressed for dinner. I kept it causal, but cute in dark denim jeans and a black, sleeveless peplum top. I dressed up the outfit with Rachel's earrings and necklace and black booties. I was finishing my make up when Trevor rejoined me in the room. He was wearing a white button down and jeans.

"What happened with Amber and the kids?" Trevor asked, watching as I applied a wine red lipstick.

"They didn't need me." I said simply, pushing them out of my mind.

"I'm glad they didn't. I'm happy you came." Trevor smiled at me.

"I'm glad I came too." I beamed at him.

Being around Trevor always took my mind off of everything. That's why he was the first person I called. As lame as it sounds, he really was like my personal supply of sunshine. My lone escape from the darkness/drama/trouble that surrounded me. Our eyes met and I really really needed to verbalize how much he meant to me...

"Food's here!!!" Bilal announced, snapping me out of my thoughts. I smiled at Trevor as we left the bedroom.

I met more of Noorie and Bilal's friends. They were an eccentric group of people, but everyone was so friendly and outgoing. Trevor introduced me around and we made small talk as we waited for the last few people to arrive. It was a group of 10 already, but the long table was set for 12.

"We'll get started without Cat." Noorie decided. I sat down next to Mara and Trevor. I chided Trevor when the only thing he put on his plate was chicken, rolls, potatoes and green beans.

"Try one new thing!" I pleaded with him, filling my plate with everything.

"I don't like vegetarian stuff."

"How do you know if you've never tried it?" I debated him.

"I just know." He said. I took a small piece of the tart and held it to his mouth.

"Eat it!" I exclaimed.

"No."

"Eat it and I give you full control of our birthday party." I bargained with him. He opened his mouth then. I gave it to him and he chewed.

"Good right?" Noorie asked him.

"It's ok. Our party is gonna be awesome though." Trevor grinned. I rolled my eyes as he explained his elaborate, 10 year anniversary of super sweet sixteen theme. I shut this childish idea down, but now it was back. Bilal's bandmates didn't help. They threw out crazier suggestions and wilder ideas.

"Regretting that deal?" Mara smiled at me.

"You have no idea." I groaned.

The doorbell rang and Bilal got up to answer it.

"Sorry we're late." A brunette greeted everyone. I recognized her as Cat from some of the pictures she tagged Trevor in. A pretty  blond with purple highlights followed her.

The blond was carrying a platter of brownies. She sat them by the other desserts before sitting across from Trevor.

"Hey everyone." She said, giving me a curious look.

"This is Lily." Trevor said, quickly.

Cat brightened. "I'm Cat. This is my roommate Amelia." She said, sitting next to Amelia.

"Nice to meet you." I said, smiling. Cat returned it. Amelia just nodded.

Everyone ate and talked festively. It was an amazing group of people. After eating, we left to go to a bar that Amelia's band was performing at.

Amelia was so quiet at dinner, I didn't know what to expect of her band. She completely transformed on stage. She turned sassy and seductive as they gave popular songs an edgier, rocker twist. I danced with Mara and Cat happily to the band's rendition of Sia's "Chandelier". I pulled Trevor on the floor to dance with me.

We were dancing and having a great time. Then Amelia started to sing Ariana Grande's "Love Me Harder". I squealed excitedly. I love the song! Amelia's version was even better. It was dark, gritty, and sexy, but vulnerable all at the same time. I was entranced by her, until I saw what she was focused on in the crowd. Or who I should say. She was singing in the mic, but staring at Trevor. He glared at her, before he noticed me watching.

"Wanna drink?" Trevor asked me, as I stared between them.

I nodded, my good mood instantly gone. We went to the bar and I ordered a shot. I drank it quickly, focusing on the burn of the alcohol and not the heated glance between Amelia and Trevor. I didn't ask, cause I didn't fucking wanna know.

After their set was over and more drinks, we went back to Bilal's apartment. Amelia was talkative now as everyone praised her performance.

We had dessert and wine. When I put a brownie on my plate, Amelia stopped me.

"They're space cakes." She told me. When I gave her a confused look, she giggled. "Weed." She said, condescendingly.

I took a big bite and moved away from her.

I knew it was stupid when I did it. I never smoked before. I had no bad influencing friends to give it to me in high school. No friends at all to try to peer pressure me into it. The closest I got was a contact high in college, and even then I just got a headache and went to sleep.

It didn't even affect me until 30 minutes later. I felt giddy and happy and was talking incessantly. Trevor stuck close to me the whole entire time, but he left me with Mara and Ian as we chatted about music.

I was having a great time until I heard Amelia giggle. She was standing super close to Trevor and grabbing his hand as they talked with Cat. It immediately made me irritable and pissed off. When she laughed again, anxiety hit me as I worried if she was talking about me. I took a deep breath. It had to be the weed.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I put a cool towel on my head and relaxed. I told myself over and over it was the weed and alcohol making me feel this way. Self doubt crept up as I thought about everything that had been going on recently. It was harder and harder to push it away.

I went back out to the living room, desperate for Trevor to make me forget everything, but he was busy. Talking to Amelia only. As I looked around the room, everyone was happy and relaxed, I realized it wasn't the drugs. It was me.

I went outside and walked around the apartment, anxious, irritable and pissed. I held my phone in my hand. It was 3 in the morning, but I needed to straighten things out with Ethan now. I was doing so well with no drama, but he was the root of all of it. I wanted this darkness out of my life.

It rang and rang and rang. When he didn't answer, I called again, then again and again until he finally picked up.

"Lily?"

"I need to talk to you." I demanded.

"It's 3 in the morning." Ethan sighed.

"I know!" I exclaimed. "Do you know Amber wouldn't let me babysit her kids?!?"

"Ok..."

"That's ok with you? How is that a consequence for my actions Ethan? What do you think I did?" I questioned him.

"That's their parenting decision. I have nothing to do what that." Ethan said, emotionlessly. "You know what you did."

"You know what else is a parenting decision? An abortion!" I said.

"No it's not-" Ethan said, bitterly.

"Yes it is. As a parent, you can choose not to bring a child in the world. To abandon, or neglect or hurt him or her like I was-"

"This is not about you! I would have raised our child if you didn't want it. You took that option away from me!" He raised his voice at me.

"I never had the option Ethan! I lost it!" I screamed at him. When he was silent, I continued. "I didn't know I was pregnant until I was having a miscarriage." I said, my voice breaking.

"Lily-" he said, his voice just as broken as mine.

"Don't Lily me!" I said, anger at the nerve of him to be upset. "How fucking dare you? I went through it the best I could. The last time we spoke you told me it was just fun! You told me to stay out of your life! That's exactly what I did! How was I supposed to tell you I lost our baby?"

"I would have-"

"Blamed me? I blamed myself enough!"

"I wouldn't have-" He said, softly.

"Bullshit. How quickly did you assume I had an abortion?!? After everything we went through. After everything I told you. After everything I thought we had, you believed that I would do that. Fuck you Ethan!!!" I screamed at him, before throwing my phone down.

I stepped on it angrily. Again and again and again. Every crunch under my booties gave me a satisfying little thrill until I burst into tears.

Arms wrapped around me and I heard a soothing voice in my ear.

"It's ok Lily. I'm right here." Trevor said softly in hair. I could tell by his tone of voice he heard everything. It made me cry harder.

No More Drama

*Hey everyone. Sorry this post is later than normal. Spent all weekend fighting allergies. Damn crazy Texas weather finally got me. I'm gonna try to post like planned, but please forgive the errors. Don't have time or patience to proofread like I should!

"It feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness
I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win" No More Drama by Mary J Blige

Tuesday morning, I went down to the office of my apartment complex and got the necessary forms to get Sammy's name off the lease. I had to admit, part of me was hoping to call her bluff and that she would change her mind. Regardless of what she chooses, I didn't want to draw it out.

There was enough drama in my life, I didn't want or need anymore. If she didn't wanna be friends anymore, I would accept that. I was done trying to make things work with people. Either it did or it didn't.  It was that simple.

I called my aunt Patty for a few recipes I wanted to make for Thanksgiving. She gave them to me, asking what my plans were for Christmas. I told her I planned to be in California. Cam and Jenna were spending Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with ours. Patty informed me that all her children would be home, so it would be great to have everyone together. I agreed wholeheartedly.

I went grocery shopping for the week and planned out my meals. I found if I wrote a list of my meals and shopped for them, I wouldn't be tempted to eat out. After grocery shopping, I was bored, so I called Rocky.

"Hey? What's up?" Rocky answered, rushed.

"Nothing. Wanna meet for lunch?" I asked.

"I wish I could. I have a ton of work to get done since I took next week off to spend with my mom. I'm working through my lunch so I can get home on time and start cleaning." Rocky declined.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked, concerned she was going to stress herself out.

"No. Your work will start when my mom gets here." Rocky told me.

I smiled. "How? You want me to take her clubbing?"

"Sounds good to me. I told her about all your drama too, so she can give you advice and stay off my back." Rocky stated.

"Not cool. Besides, I plan to be drama free from now on. That's the new, roommate-less me." I said, sarcastically.

"Roommate-less?" Rocky questioned but before I could answer, she exclaimed, "That's the regional manager. I'll call you back later."

After she hung up, I changed into my black jogging suit with a white tank. I put my hair up and tied it down with a bandanna covered with colorful skulls. I then went over to Rocky's house.

I know how Rocky cleaned when she was having guests. She always kept her house spotless, but she deep cleaned if she was expecting company. It was just her mom. I didn't understand why she felt the need to, but I learned a long time ago not to question her.

After I got there, I put on my headphones and got to work. I cleaned all the windows, changed out the linens in the guest room, cleaned the wood furniture with Pine Sol, scrubbed down the walls, and dusted everything. I cleaned up the spice racks, made sure the pots, pans, and Tupperware were organized before I started looking through the pantry for old or expired foods.

I was taking out the trash when I saw Brandon pull up in the alley. After he parked, he and EJ got out of the car.

"Hey" I greeted them, warmly.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Brandon asked, as I gave EJ a hug.

"Just started some of the cleaning." I answered as we went inside. "How was work?"

"Long." Brandon answered, before looking around the house. "It looks good in here. Are you done?" He asked.

"For today." I shrugged.

Brandon gave me a look. "What else needs to be done?"

"Carpets, draperies, couches, the backyard..." I listed.

Brandon shook his head. "You would think the queen was coming or something." He muttered.

I laughed. "Mama Smith doesn't care. It's all Rocky. How was school, EJ?" I asked him.

"Good. I got a 94 on my spelling test." He answered.

"Awesome, good job!" I smiled at him.

"Which word did you get wrong?" Brandon asked.

"I don't know." EJ shrugged.

"You know when your dad gets here he's gonna wanna know." Brandon said.

EJ ran off to get his backpack.

"Alright, tell Rocky I'll catch up with her later." I said.

"You don't wanna stay and see her?" Brandon asked me.

"I'll see her next time."

"What's up with you and Ethan?" Brandon asked me, bluntly.

"Ask him."

"I did, he said to ask you."

Prick.

"Look, I'm not trying to get in the middle of you two-"

"Then don't." I finished for him. Thankfully, EJ skipped back in with his spelling test.

"I got it. I forgot the "e" in stripe." EJ explained.

"You forgot? That's the most important part!!!" I exclaimed, dramatically.

 "You can't even hear it." EJ protested.

"I know that. It makes the "I" say its name. Str-I-pe. Without the "e" it would be strip." I sounded it out for him. "What if your teacher thought you wanted her to strip?"

"Ew!!!" EJ laughed.

"Yeah, then you would have a naked teacher running around." I laughed with him.

After Brandon got him settled with popcorn, I left. It was still cold, so I decided to drop by the gym on the way home.

I was 30 minutes into my run, "Give Me Just One Reason" by Pink blaring in my headphones, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Jake.

"Hey..." I said, pulling off my headphones and slowing down to a walk. "Good to see you." I smiled, sincerely.

"I'm surprised to see you. I thought you stopped coming." Jake said, before setting up on the treadmill next to me.

"I did, for a while. You know how I feel about wasting money, so I came back when I knew you were at work." I answered, honestly.

He grinned at me. "And now?"

"Since you've taken so many punches for me, I figured I could bless you with my presence." I joked, grinning too.

Jake laughed and we settled into companionable silence as we worked out. I turned off the treadmill and gave him a small smile before heading to the ab machine. I watched when Jake got off the treadmill too and headed to the bench press. Our eyes met briefly before my phone rang. I looked down to see Rocky calling me. I texted her back, telling her I would call her after my workout.

After I finished, I walked to the locker room to change. On my way out, my phone beeped. I pulled it out of my bag as I was walking out.

Ethan: If you are going to continue to interact with my son, you need to keep it appropriate. He will repeat what you say.

That freaking confused me. I couldn't even remember what I said that was inappropriate.

Me: Sure... what did he repeat?

I stood by the door, waiting for his response.

Ethan: Your comment about his teacher stripping.

I rolled my eyes and put my phone away. I wasn't even going to validate that with a reply. I understood him being upset, but he was taking it extremely too far. I wasn't going to argue with him.

"What's wrong with you?"

I looked up to see Jake.

"Dealing with the consequences of my decision." I sighed.

He looked at me, questioningly. I showed him Ethan's texts and explained what I said to EJ.

Jake just shook his head. "I'm gonna say something to him. I'm already dead to him, can't get worse than dead."

"Please don't. Just leave it." I answered, pulling my bag on my shoulder.

"Are you out?" Jake asked.

"Yeah. I'll see you later."

"Unless you wanna grab something to eat together."

"Umm..."

"Just friends. We can go to McDonald's, just to keep it causal."

"Make it Chiptole and we have a deal." I answered.

"Ok. See you there."

We met up at Chiptole near my apartment. I sat down at a window booth. While Jake ordered our food, I called Rocky back. I told her about Sammy moving out and Ethan's text.

"Are you going to be ok, rent wise?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I really don't need the space, but I love the apartment. So I don't mind paying for it." I replied.

"I think it's for the best. You might need a break if y'all wanna save the friendship." Rocky said.

"Well, she thinks I'm fake and doesn't wanna be around me, so the chances of that are slim to none." I explained as Jake joined me with the food.

"Well, I say good riddance. After the whole Trevor thing, I didn't think the friendship was going last anyway." Rocky stated.

"Tell me how you really feel." I said while simultaneously munching on a chip with guacamole.

"I would rather tell Ethan. I wish I would have known while he was here. He's being a dick." Rocky declared.

"I'm just gonna ride out my consequences until he decides to forgive me."

"This is not consequences. All you did was not tell him. Consequences would be him not trusting you. He's punishing you for something that happened years ago. He needs to grow up and get the fuck over himself."

"Maybe, but you still don't need to say anything. No need for anymore drama. I'm handling it, ok?" I said.

"Ok..." Rocky agreed, reluctantly.

"Rocky..."

"Fine. I won't say anything. Not because I agree, but because you cleaned my house and I don't wanna seem ungrateful on Thanksgiving."

"Thank you." I grinned. "I'm so thankful for my friends, the ones I still have."

"Bye Lily." Rocky laughed.

I hung up to Jake watching me, disapprovingly.

"What?" I asked, unwrapping my burrito.

"I don't think you should have to ride out anything. He's being unreasonable."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "I would imagine you would be able to empathize with him."

"Not anymore." Jake answered, plainly.

We ate in silence before I asked him what he was bringing for Thanksgiving.

"My presence." He replied.

I laughed at him.

----------------------

The rest of the week went by without any drama. I noticed Sammy was slowly moving her things out. I remained cordial to her. She didn't offer any information, so I didn't ask. It was hard, but I respected her wishes.


Trevor invited me to go to Austin with him on the weekend. Bilal's girlfriend was throwing a pre-thanksgiving get together and Trevor was going. I declined. Darren had the next round of playoff games and I told Amber that I would babysit her kids Saturday.

On Friday, I met up with Forrest at his school. The playoff game was at a stadium about 45 minutes away and Forrest offered me a ride if I didn't mind riding with them on the student trainer bus. I called Rachel to see if she wanted to carpool, but she was having a much needed girls' night. She invited me too, but I declined. I couldn't miss Darren's playoff game. If they lost, it would be his last.

I greeted Forrest with a wave as he and the kids loaded the short bus with supplies. He hopped out of the bus and introduced me to the head athletic trainer, Coach Tolbert and his wife, Mariah.

After the bus was loaded, we all got in the bus and took off. The group of trainers, all 9 of them, sat in the back of the bus. Mariah and Coach Tolbert sat in the front behind the bus driver and Forrest sat in the seat beside them. I sat behind Forrest.

They talked about the matchup between the two teams for a while with me listening before Forrest turned to me.

"So what's going on with you?" He asked me.

"Nothing." I said. When he just studied me, I shrugged. "What?" 

He got up and sat down beside me.

"Are we ok? You've been weird." Forrest asked, concerned.

"We're fine."  I nodded "I'm just practicing a drama free lifestyle as of late." 

"Yoga?"

"Hell no." I grinned.

We spent the rest of the ride catching up. When we arrived at the stadium, the bus was unloaded and the training room was set up. After ankles were taped, Gatorade was made and water bottles were filled, everyone headed to the sidelines. I decided to stay on the sidelines and play water girl. Darren teased me mercilessly during warm-ups. When the game started, he was serious and focused.

Unfortunately, his efforts weren't enough during the first half. The opposing team had a wide receiver that none of our defensive backs could keep up with. They scored 35 to our 14 in the first half. The mood at halftime was depressing to say the least.

The head coach had the idea to put Darren on defense, so he could cover their wide receiver. I wasn't completely convinced that he should be playing double duty and putting all that stress on his knee, especially for a game we were most likely going to lose.

All of my doubts went away the first time Darren intercepted the ball and ran it in for a 65 yard touchdown. The crowd, the team and the sidelines exploded with excitement. It was the spark our team needed to come back. By the 4th quarter, we took the lead. With Darren defending their star player, we maintained the lead to win the game.

Everyone went crazy when the time ran off the clock. I cheered widely. Forrest was coming down the sideline, high fiving everyone. When he got to me, he picked me up in a huge hug and twirled me around. I laughed, excitedly, as he put me down. 

After we got back to the school, I stuck around and went to the training room with the trainers. I congratulated Darren as I checked out his knee and asked him how he was feeling.

"100%." He grinned.

I smiled at him, before sending him on his way.

"So are you celebrating with us?" Forrest asked me.

I wanted to, but I didn't think that was a great idea without Rachel. 

"I would, but I have to work tomorrow." It wasn't technically a lie. I was on call. I might have to work.

"Ok." He said, giving me a hug. I held my body away and broke it off after a second. 

"Give me a call. I have all next week off. We need to hang out." He smiled.

"Will do. Just let me know which day is best for Rachel." I agreed.

I left and went home. I saw Sammy unmounted the TV from the den. On the kitchen table, I saw a note that read:

We can get the forms notarized this weekend. Let me know what time is best.

I sighed and put the note away. After changing into my pajamas, I made myself a sandwich and grabbed a drink before snuggling on my couch. I had notifications on Facebook, texts and missed calls, but I ignored them in favor of quiet, solitude and peace.

Dancing with Myself

"On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm dancing with myself
When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself" Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I focused on my breathing for a moment as everything faded away: the music, Ethan's harsh stare, his grip on my waist that tightened momentarily, and the tiniest tremors overtaking my body. I finally exhaled, and opened my eyes. Ethan was still staring at me, coldly.

"Who told you?" I asked him, calmly.

"You should have told me. I had the right to know." He answered, in a tone that dared me to contradict him.

"Maybe you deserved to know, but you didn't have any rights-" I disagreed with him.

"Don't play word games with me Lily. Is that why you went to California? To hide it from me?"

I looked at him, incredulously. "You're fucking kidding, right? I didn't even know until I was in California!" I hissed at him.

"The second you found out, you should have called me-"

"Really? How Ethan? I had been trying to get in touch with you to apologize for keeping a relationship with EJ. You weren't taking my calls, remember?"

"Yet you kept in touch with him through my brother. So are you really going to lie and make it seem like you tried and couldn't get in touch with me?"

I straightened up and looked him straight in the eyes. "No. I'm not. I didn't get in touch with you and I should have. I'm sorry, but I can't change the past. I made a decision to move on and that's what I've been trying to do." I answered him, sincerely.

"At least we agree on that. You can't change the past. You made a decision. Now you can deal with the consequences of that decision." Ethan said, with finality, before pulling away from me. He walked away, leaving me watching him alone in the middle of the dance floor as he joined his family. He grabbed EJ and didn't give me a second glance. Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I blinked them away.

I met Rocky's glance and nodded towards the door before leaving. She got up and I met her outside.

"What happened?" She asked me, curiously.

"He knows about the miscarriage." I said, surprisingly evenly.

"What? You told him? How did he take it? What did he say? What did you say?" She fired off, rapidly.

"I don't know how he found out, but he's pissed-" I began.

"He's pissed?" Rocky cut me off. "He got you fucking pregnant! How is he upset?"

"Because I didn't tell him." I explained. "Can we go, please? I don't wanna be here anymore."

"Yes, let me get Brandon." Rocky said, turning away.

I went outside to wait for her. Cold weather be damned, I couldn't stay in that room anymore.

"Lily!" I heard as I crossed the parking lot. I looked up to see Jake heading my direction. "Are you ok?" He asked, grabbing my arms.

"Are you ok?" I said, looking at his swelling eye.

"It's fine. But Ethan knows-"

"I know." I said. "He hit you? Why did you tell him?" I asked, so confused. How did it even come up? Why would Ethan hit him?

Jake looked guilty. "I didn't tell him anything. He must have overheard us. He just asked if you were pregnant by him. I told him to talk to you but only if you wanted to. He didn't like that answer."

"Obviously."

"I tried to call you... What did he say to you?"

"That I would have to deal with the consequences of not telling him." I said, shakily. The way he said it, I knew without a doubt I would.

"C'mon. I'll take you home."

"I can't. Rocky needs me to drive. I'm designated driver."

"Is your car at Rocky's?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Give me your keys."

I did and he handed over his.

"I'll meet you at your apartment."

I took the keys and followed his instructions. I drove straight home, numb. I didn't know what to think. I made the decision when I moved back to Dallas to forget about the miscarriage. Even if I didn't think about it, it was always there in the recesses of my mind, but I never imagined having to tell Ethan.

 Even if we would have gotten back together, I wouldn't have told Ethan. What happened, happened. There was no point of subjecting Ethan to it. I thought I had it under control. I wouldn't burden anyone else with my pain, I thought I was over it.

When Jake forced me to tell him, I realized I wasn't over it. Sharing it with Jake and Rocky made me feel like a huge burden was off my shoulders. It was like I no longer had to suffer my conflicting emotions alone.

Jake telling me he was sorry for my loss made me feel like it was ok to grieve. Rocky made me feel like I wasn't damaged goods. I was finally moving on.

Now Ethan knew, and he was so angry at me. I couldn't help but wonder if it was only because I didn't tell him...

I pulled up to my apartment and unlocked my door. I went upstairs, scrubbed my makeup off, put away Rachel's jewelry, and changed into basketball shorts and a tank when I heard my phone ring.

I answered it when I saw it was Rocky.

"Hey, you ok?"

"I'm fine." I sighed. "I just hate that I caused all this drama again, kinda sick of it."

"No. He all of a sudden decided to confront you like that. He's such an entitled dick-"

"I get why he was upset. I wish I had just told him when it happened."

"Bullshit. He's just as responsible. He has a kid. It ain't his first time at the damn rodeo!  He shoulda been thinking about it when he was impregnating you! He knows what happens when you have unprotected sex!" She went off, over the phone.

"It was one time Rocky." I said, smirking. The situation was nowhere near funny, but my sick sense of humor found her outrage humorous.

"5th grade sex ed. Once is all it takes!!!" She argued, passionately.

I couldn't help laughing. I heard someone knocking on the door.

"5th grade huh? I don't think I had sex ed until Jr. High school." I said, checking the peephole. I opened it when I saw it was Jake.

"Had to when an 11 year old got knocked up." Rocky replied.

"Alright Rocky. I'll let you go. Goodnight." I said, hanging up to let Jake in. He stepped inside.

"You can get your keys after you ice your eye." I said, leading him to the kitchen.

"It's fine." He said, following me anyway.

"I don't think so. It's gonna be black." I said, making an ice bag. "How do you explain your bruises at work? It can't be a good look for a security guard to look like he got his ass kicked."

Jake chuckled. "I tell 'em the other guy is in a coma."

I smiled, putting the ice bag on his face. After he replaced my hand with his, I told him, "15 minutes."

We sat down in the living room and he told me word for word what happened.

"I can't believe he hit you. He never loses his cool. I just bring out the worst in people." I shook my head. Ethan, Jake, I suspected Sammy too...

"It wasn't all you. I think he's been pissed at me for a while for dating you." Jake said.

"Ethan doesn't adhere to the bro code." I said.

"I don't think it was the bro code as much as he still has feelings for you." Jake responded.

"Had." I sighed.

"Has. No way would he be that upset if feelings weren't involved." Jake said.  We sat in silence for a moment.

"Just don't date him. He gives me a dick vibe." Jake joked.

I laughed. "Not funny."

"It is a little bit." Jake smiled. "Has it been 15 minutes?"

"No."

"This is cold."

"It's ice genius."

"Think you'd be more appreciative after all the punches I have taken for you."

"Thank you, especially for not hitting him back. I appreciate that." I thanked him, sincerely.

"He was hurt enough." He said, frowning up. "Cariño. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up tonight. I should have never forced you to tell me. I was a hypocrite, demanding the truth from you when I didn't tell you everything." Jake said, looking me in the eye.

"It's ok. At the end of the day, it was all my decision. I have to deal with it." I sighed.

"On another note," I started. "How did you get that list?"

Jake looked away. "Sammy. We were at a bar a last week and she and Corey showed up. She said they were meeting friends. I assumed you would be one of them cause the San Francisco game was on. At half time I asked about you, and she made a comment about Trevor and you being busy. Then she gave me your letter."

"That letter wasn't for you. It was for me. After you blocked me on Facebook and didn't wanna see me, Sammy suggested I write the list to get over you. I got drunk, passed out, and thought I lost it."

Jake shook his head. "What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know." I said. I really didn't. 

"Did it work?" He asked.

"What?"

"The list? Are you over me?"

"Do you ever get over your first love?" I asked him.

"Probably not, but you move on." He answered.

"Hopefully as friends?"

"Sure." Jake nodded. "Just don't expect me to take any more punches for you."

"You would think by now you would learn how to duck." I smiled, taking the ice from his eye. At least it stopped swelling.

"He sucker punched me!" Jake smiled back at me.

----------------------------

Sunday I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning to keep myself occupied. I spoke to a sober Rocky who was a lot more concerned than angry like she was the night before. I reassured her I was ok. She informed me that everyone knew something was up between Ethan and me, but no one knew what. Rocky didn't even tell Brandon. I told her that was Ethan's choice, but I was officially over it.

I understood him being upset. I really did, but what more could I do but apologize? We were in such a weird place back then. We weren't even talking to each other. The one time we had unprotected sex was the last time we had sex. For fun. Before he told me I would basically disappear from their lives. How could I just call and say I had a miscarriage? What could he have done or said that would change anything? Or make me feel better? Nothing. So I didn't.

I do admit, as time passed, I regretted not telling him. So much time had passed, it was too late to tell him anything. When I came back, I still never thought about telling Ethan. While I understood Ethan's feelings, I couldn't change the past, nor do I believe I would have done things differently.

Sunday evening, I sent Sammy a text that we needed to talk. She didn't respond. I did have a text from Megan saying she would come pick up the drums at 6pm.

I gave her a call, asking why.

"You didn't talk to Ethan?" She asked, flabbergasted.

"No..."

"He told me if I wanted EJ to have lessons, they needed to be at my house. I thought you wanted that."

"No. I didn't." I gritted my teeth.

"Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Ethan, but EJ will not be in the middle. I'll be over to get the drums."

I so wanted to tell her she had no room to talk after she used me to cheat on Ethan with my BROTHER, but I couldn't talk about leaving the past in the past and then bring it up for my advantage.

"Ok." I said, simply.

When EJ and Megan came over, I helped them pack up the drums. I hung out with EJ and gave him a hug before they got ready to go.

"Lily." Megan said to me, after she got EJ buckled in. "I don't know what's going on, but you have my number. I will never ask you to babysit, but if you have some free time and wanna hang with EJ, give me a call." She said.

I smiled at her. "Absolutely."

Trevor called me, asking me about the party. He saw video of Rocky's and my dance off, courtesy of Brandon.

I told him how great the party was, omitting the last 30 minutes. Yeah, it was a lie by omission, but no point getting him concerned. Rocky and Jake were both on nonstop checking up on me duty. I didn't need another person on it. We talked about our upcoming birthdays instead.

---------------------

Sammy finally showed up Monday evening after I got off work. I was in the kitchen making Chicken Alfredo when she came in.

"Sammy, I need to talk to you." I called to her.

She sighed loudly and came into the kitchen. I turned away from the stove to look at her. She looked bored and annoyed by my presence.

"Sammy, I wanna apologize again. I had no right following you or talking to you the way I did and I'm sorry." I started.

"Ok." Sammy said, uncharacteristically calm.

"No. It's not ok. I would hate if anyone did that to me and I'm so sorry." I elaborated. "I just got so upset because I don't like that you're sleeping with Ron for money.  I don't see why you do it. You're too smart and have too much to offer to put yourself in that position. It's your life, I'm just asking that you really think about what you're doing."

She just glared at me.

She had officially pissed me off, but I took a deep breath. "You don't have anything to say?" I asked.

"Nope." She said, crossing her arms.

"Really? Nothing?"

"Really, nothing." She repeated.

"I feel like us moving in together is ruining us. With Trevor and Jake and now this, it's too much." I started. "I know about the list you gave to Jake. I understand you trying to get back at me. I'm just trying to make this right. I can't do it by myself."

"It can't be done at all."

My stomach dropped. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I think it would be for the best, for both of us, if I moved out."

"Sammy, we can fix this.  I will respect your space and boundaries-"

"No. Even your apology is weak and condescending. I may be a bitch, but I don't pretend I'm not and apologize for it. You're fake, and I don't wanna be around you anymore."

I nodded. I was hurt, but I wasn't gonna let her see that.

"I'll pay to break the lease-"

I shook my head. "No. We'll just get your name taken off whenever you find a new place."

"Works for me." Sammy said, before heading up the stairs.

I fixed my plate and sat at the table. My phone beeped, signaling a new message. I ignored it, sitting alone. I should probably get used to it.

The thought of being alone wasn't as terrifying as it once was. In fact, I was starting to like the idea of it. I wanted to be independent, strong and able to make my own decisions. Ethan was right: I did have to live with the consequences of my decisions. Being by myself guaranteed my actions and consequences would be my own.

Mr. Roboto (Ethan's POV)

"I'm not a robot without emotions-I'm not what you see
I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I'm not a hero, I'm not a saviour, forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control-we all need control
I need control-we all need control
I am the modern man,
who hides behind a mask
So no one else can see my true identity" Mr. Roboto by The Styx

"What do you think Ethan?" My mom asked me as we stood by the entrance of the party, greeting guests that were steadily arriving. I looked around the room; It was nice. Even if I saw something wrong or out of place, I wasn't going to say anything. She put the whole party together without any input from me. It was simple but elegant, exactly how I would have planned it. There was nothing I could criticize.

"It's perfect mom." I said, turning to look at her. "Thank you."

She hugged me, her eyes glistening. She looked thrilled. "No, thank you. I'm so proud of you Ethan. Of your success, the man and father you have become. This is nothing compared to what you deserve."

I hugged her back before she pulled away.

"What time is your brother getting here?" She asked, moving forward to play with my tie. It was more out of her need for something to do. The red tie I paired with my favorite Ralph Lauren two button charcoal suit and white dress shirt was tied securely like always.

"He just texted me he was heading home. Rocky, Lily, and Brandon should be here in soon." I replied.

"Should I save Lily a seat with us?" My mom asked me.

I straightened up. "If there is no seating arrangements, let her decide where she want to sit." I said.

The seating arrangement was the only thing she wanted my help with. Once she knew who was coming, she wanted to make sure there were plenty of seats and space. She thought the best way to accomplish that was with a seating arrangement. I disagreed. That was opening a can of worms I wanted nothing to do with. Everyone was adults, they could figure out where to sit without arrangements.

I let my mom take over greeting people at the door as I caught up with guests. I had extended family, a few old friends from high school and college, and past and present colleagues in attendance. I played gracious host for 30 minutes before I joined my dad, my friend and colleague Daniel, and my uncle for a drink.

"You done making the rounds already?" My dad asked me.

"I need a break." I said.

"A break from your own party?" My uncle Ricky chuckled at me.

"Technically, it's mom's party." I corrected him.

"Well, you can take me to make the rounds. There are a lot of ladies I need to be introduced to." Daniel smiled at me.

I ignored him. There was no woman in this room I would subject to him. I didn't wanna catch their wrath when it didn't work out. Like always.

"Brandon still hasn't made it." My mom announced, joining us. "Maybe I should text him."

"Don't. Give him some time. Maybe he got caught up at work." My dad answered.

"More like Lily or Rocky are running behind." I commented, doubtful that he had a retail emergency.

"Lily's the girl from the BBQ right?" Ricky asked me.

"Yes. The one that called the other one a b-i-t-c-h." My dad chuckled. They both laughed.

Daniel nudged me, drawing my attention from my dad and uncle, before saying, "How is it that Ethan got the promotion, but baby brother shows up with two beautiful women?"

I turned to see Brandon, Rocky and Lily standing before us, with smiles on their faces. After we said hello, Lily handed me a gift.

I was truly taken aback when I saw the briefcase. I ran my fingers over the nameplate, truly in awe: of her thoughtfulness and surprise she remembered that conversation. It was a couple of years ago, but so much had transpired between us since then. The fact the she remembered meant a lot.

"You don't have to use it. I just wanted you to have something tangible." Lily's voice brought me out of my thoughts.

I looked up at her and smiled. "I will use it. It's perfect. Thank you Lily. I can't believe you remembered this." I said, genuinely pleased.

"I remember everything." Lily smiled back at me.

"Did you know that when Ethan was in the 5th grade he picked out a briefcase for his backpack? It was adorable." Mom asked Lily.

As my mom spoke, I took that opportunity to examine Lily. She looked good. She always looked good, but she looked so happy too. It was radiating from her.

"She does. I believe she said she would have hit it out of my hands." I told my mom, stopping my perusal of Lily's face.

"I said bullies." Lily lied. I recalled everything from that day. Words, smiles, caresses... Everything.

"No, you said you would have." I rebutted.

"I don't remember that." She shrugged.

"Of course not." I said while everyone laughed.

"Son, do you want me take that to the coat check? Your brother can take the ladies' coats." My dad said, forcing me to look away from Lily.

"I got it" I said, moving forward to take Lily's sweater.  I turned to my mom before we left.

"Let Lily know she can sit with us." I requested, softly. My mom smiled and nodded.

On the way to the coat check, my dad turned to me.

"Why haven't you worked it out with Lily? What are you waiting for?" He asked.

"What are you talking about dad? She just got out of a relationship." I said, curtly.

"With one of my friends." Brandon added.

"Hush boy. Your friend broke the code."

"So he should break it again?"

"How can you break something that was already broken-"

"Both of you can stop. It's not happening." I said, sharply.

Lily and I have been back and forth and up and down this road before. I decided to move on when she asked me to take a step back so she could build a relationship with Jake. That's exactly what I did. It didn't matter I was still attracted to her or that she still had the ability to get under my skin. I made the decision to be just friends. I was sticking to it.

We dropped off the coats and the gift. While heading back to the party room, my dad stopped me.

"There were other people vying for the partner position right?" He asked me.

"Of course."

"Why did you get the position?"

"I put in the work for it. I did what it took to beat out the competition." Daniel was one of the people I beat out. I was glad the competition didn't affect our friendship, but at the same time, it wouldn't have mattered. I wouldn't let anything get in my way.

"Now that relentlessness and hard work, why can't you apply that towards a relationship?" My dad continued.

"I promise you, I will; when the right one comes along." I waved him off.

"You would never take that attitude with your career." My dad grumbled.

"Dad, you always told me to lighten up." I said, getting irritated by the conversation.

"Not about this. Doesn't it bother you that your brother is closer to settling down than you-"

"I'm not going settle down with anyone because of what Brandon is doing. Brandon had time to devote to a relationship while I was working on my career and raising my son. It'll happen when it happens. End of discussion." I cut him off, coolly.

This was supposed to be a night of celebrating my success, not my failures with relationships.

"You got it son. Just don't let your tunnel vision blind you from what's right in front of you." My dad finished.

I masked my irritation and we went back to the table to sit down for dinner. I was disappointed to see that Lily choose not to sit with us, but I understood when my mom explained to me she wanted to sit with Amber to help out. I talked to Will earlier, so I knew where they were sitting.

 Lily was nowhere in sight. I looked around the room until I saw the cobalt blue of her dress. She was standing next to the bar with Jake. I stopped watching them when Lily left and joined the table with Will and Amber, and Jake and Jasmine went in the other direction. I looked away and enjoyed dinner with my family.

After my dad's touching, but also passive aggressive tribute, I made the rounds again to thank everyone for coming. I stopped to grab a drink with Will. I have many acquaintances, many filled the room tonight, but very few friends. Will is one of the few I considered a friend. I admired him and his family as much as he admired me and my career. He was very open about his past and life experiences. I normally don't open up to people so quickly, but his openness made it easier.

We were talking when Lily made her way over. She grabbed Robbie from Will and tried to coax me into dancing. I wasn't a dancer at all. All those skills went to my younger brother. I could two step, but that was about it. She called me a robot and hopped on the dance floor.

"See you later." I called to her.

"Only if it's on the dance floor." She said, over her shoulder with a smile.

 I watched her as she dance and laughed with Robbie. I couldn't take my eyes of her. Maybe my dad was right. I was missing what was right in front of me...

"Ethan!" Hilary, an old colleague from my first job in Dallas, called out to me. She gave me a hug before pulling away. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you. How have you been?"

We found a seat and caught up. She talked about the project she was working on and how frustrated she was in her current position.

"Anthony's still trying to get fully staffed. It's a lateral move but there's room for growth." I informed her.

"I know. Every time I think about leaving, I think about all the time I put into the company." She said.

"Exactly. All this time and they still haven't acknowledged your contribution. Larry is stuck in his ways. I know Anthony needs the experience and contacts."

"I'll think about it."

"While you do, send me your resume."

Hilary smiled. "I was lying. I have no intentions of leaving for a start up."

"A start up that's in association with a company that I'm partner at." I added.

"You like throwing that title around, don't you?" Hilary smiled.

"I say it cause you should be there too. Your work is innovative and solid. They are not appreciating your skills where you are. It will be appreciated with Anthony. You just have to take that risk."

"You preaching about taking risk? Mr. Failure is not an option."

"Absolutely. Being partner has taught me some things."

"What's that, partner?"

"You know what's worse than failure?"

"Being jobless and broke?" She said, sarcastically.

"That's not going to happen."

She looked at me expectantly.

"Regret." I said, simply. "You can always try again. You'll regret what you don't try."

"Fine." She muttered. "I'll send my resume."

"I knew you'd see it my way." I smirked.

"Alright. I think I'm gonna get going." Hilary said, standing up. I stood up too.

"I'll get your coat."

I passed the dance floor and saw Rocky and Lily dancing with each other. My own words about regret replayed in my mind.

At the coat check, I retrieved Hilary's coat. Lily and regret were running through my mind. The most frustrating thing about Lily was that I couldn't figure her out. Every time I thought I did, she'd show me another side of herself. She was a walking contradiction. Crude, but sweet. Independent but unpretentious. Fun-loving but responsible.

Even the gift she gave me was a contradiction. I ran my finger against the leather of the briefcase Lily bought me: It was sentimental at the same time she was making fun of me. In a way, I did have tunnel vision. I focused on all the reasons we wouldn't work. Maybe it just would. Maybe it wouldn't. Would I regret not trying?

On the way back to Hilary, I saw Brandon and Rocky.

"Where's Lily?" I asked them.

"I don't know." Rocky said, looking at Brandon. He shrugged.

"If you see her, keep her close." I said.

I went to Reggie next. "Do me a favor. When you see Lily and me on the dance floor, play a song about robots."

"Ok..." He said, confused.

I walked to Hilary, determined to set my plan in motion. I didn't wanna debate it, question it or think about it anymore. This was certainly the most spontaneous, ill-thought out plan, but I just needed to get her to see I was willing to try.

I wasn't going to make the same mistake I did last time. She might not be ready for a relationship, but she needed to know my feelings. I didn't want her to see me as a cold, detached and unfeeling. Even if nothing came of it, at least I would have tried.

After Hilary put on her jacket, I walked her out. I was so occupied with what I would say to Lily, I didn't even notice Jake and Lily sitting in a corner by the door. That was, until I heard my name.

"-Ethan put you through so much with the baby and you still wanted to be with him. Trevor had years of chances. Why won't you give me just one more chance?" Jake was saying.

My steps faltered to a complete stop.

"I know it sounds cliche or like a line, but I'm working on myself. I don't know what I want. I do know that Ethan and Trevor both only know the sides of me that I want them to see-" Lily responded.

"Are you coming?" Hilary asked me as I stood, blocking the door. I quickly went through it.

As I walked her to her car, the only thing running through my mind was the thought of a baby.

What baby? Was Lily pregnant? With my child?

After Hilary got in her car and drove off, I stood in the parking lot, thinking. I saw Jake cross the parking lot. I didn't even know my feet moved until I was behind him, tapping him on the shoulder.

He turned around, confused. He relaxed when he saw it was me.

"Hey man, congratulations again-"

"Was Lily pregnant by me?" I cut him off, sharply.

His face fell. It revealed everything I needed to know. "That's something Lily needs to choose to talk to you about."

I clenched my fists. "Don't worry. She will." I said, barely holding in my rage.

"You can't force her to talk about it. I did and-"

I punched him so quick, I wouldn't believe I did it if my knuckles weren't throbbing after connecting with his face. He grabbed his face, protectively.

"You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do.  You didn't tell me that you were sleeping with her, dating her or that she was ever pregnant with my child. Don't tell me what you did now that it doesn't matter." I spit, venomously at him. I turned around and headed back to the country club.

"Ethan, I know your upset, but she feels bad too." Jake said, following me. "The last thing you wanna do is go in there and make a scene."

She feels bad too? I turned to look him in the eye. He braced himself for another attack, unnecessarily. I was done with him.

"I won't make a scene, as long as you don't step foot in there. I'm done with you. You're dead to me." I said, eerily calm.

I turned back when he didn't say anything. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. There was no stopping them. I walked into the room, spotting the blue of her dress easily. Before, the vibrant blue was lovely, now it was infuriating.

I walked over to her. My dad gave me a concerned look. He knew me well enough to know something was wrong.

"Do you have a minute?" I asked Lily as calmly as I could muster. When she nodded, I led her away from the table. I didn't even register the music until Lily laughed and placed her arms around me.


Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Himitsu wo shiri tai
{Thank you very much, Mr. Robot
Until the day (we) meet again
Thank you very much, Mr. Robot
I want to know your secret} 

I put my arms on her hips and played along. The words I was planning on telling her wouldn't matter. If she did what I thought she did, my feelings no longer matter. I would never open up to her again. She wouldn't have to worry about me being cold, unfeeling or detached. She wouldn't be a part of my life anymore.

"So I didn't mean robot as a compliment. They're cool and all, but not to hang with-"

"Were you ever going to tell me?" I asked, abruptly.

"Tell you what?" She said, confusion distorting her features.

"About my baby. Our baby. Were you ever going to tell me?" I asked.

The way she froze and color drained from her face confirmed my suspicions. The small part of me that didn't wanna believe it broke. Not broke, it detonated; blowing me up into pieces.

I didn't let her see it. I stared at her, constructing another facade. She would be dead to me now too.

She was the second she aborted our baby.