Changes

*****Sorry it's late. I had to make a few ch-ch-ch-ch-changes to match the song*****

RIP David Bowie



"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I'm going through" Changes by David Bowie

My appointment with Dr. Periera Friday helped me back on track after my brief setback on my birthday. I explained to her when I was younger, I would find a reason to cry on my birthday. Whether it was because I missed my mom, I didn't get what I wanted, or I was lonely, it was consistently the time I couldn't find a way to keep my emotions under control.

That's why I was reluctant about celebrating my birthday with Trevor when he discovered ours were exactly a week apart. Regardless, every year he made sure we did something; whether it was going out to eat or throwing a party, we always did something special together. Trevor not even wishing me a happy birthday was the nail in the coffin of any lingering hope I might of have for us to remain friendly.

I told Dr. Periera I ended my friendship with Trevor, and I meant it. We also talked about how I could have normal relationships with my dad and brother. She told me it was more important to have healthy relationships than to fixate on normal. She reiterated that I decided who I wanted to be and what type of life I waned to live. Now I had to decide how I wanted to be treated. I took it to heart and started right away with my brother.

I called Cam and apologized for telling him about my miscarriage the way I did, but I didn't apologize for not telling him originally. I realized he was more upset that he wasn't there for me, but explained I needed to deal with it on my own terms. I told him I would always need his support, but I didn't need him trying to protect me all the time. He agreed and we were able to move on to a topic I really needed his help with- setting realistic boundaries for Dad.

Dr. Periera told me the likelihood of my dad changing was low, but I could establish realistic boundaries that he could learn to respect if we were both willing to work on our relationship. Cam and I both needed help in that department with Dad, so we bounced ideas off of each other.

Dad didn't get into town until late Saturday afternoon. Normally, I dreaded seeing him but I was impatient to talk to him. I was a little nervous, but more anxious to hear his reaction. I planned to meet up with him after my beauty day with Rocky. I walked into the hair salon Saturday morning already feeling like a changed woman, I needed the look to go with it.

Devon, the guy who did my hair last time, was sipping on coffee, waiting for me.

"Good morning." He said, friendly. "What did you have in mind for today?"

"Remember last time I said I wanna be able to wake up and go? You talked about cutting it and adding color?" I asked.

"No, but I see why I suggested it. We straightened it last time? Do you want it straight again?" He asked.

"Whatever you think is best."

He gave me a smile. "Great choice. Sit down."

I was in the middle of my long hair getting chopped when Rocky showed up.

Her eyes widen when she saw me. "You got it cut off?!?"

 "Not all of it, right Devon?" I grinned at her as I sipped my champagne and apple juice. Devon and I figured it was too earlier for champagne, but mimosas didn't count. He only had apple juice, so we made it work.

"You have plenty. Now keep still." He winked at me in the mirror.

Rocky sat down to get her braids redone and she told me the plans for the evening. Since I was having dinner with my dad, afterwards we were having drinks at a lounge for my birthday celebration.

"Where are y'all going?" Rocky's hair stylist asked her.

"Blue Martini in Plano. They do live music, cover bands on the weekend. " Rocky answered.

"Really? I love cover bands!" I wiggled in my seat before Devon fixed me with a look.

"Hmm, I don't think I've heard of that lounge." Devon replied.

"Me neither, but it's in Lily's new neighborhood. I figured we check it out together. You two are welcomed to swing by." Rocky explained.

"You're the best." I smiled at Rocky, graciously.

"I know." Rocky shrugged.

"And so modest too." I laughed.

"How long have y'all been friends?" Anita laughed at us.

"Since I was 18. I just turned 27." I answered.

"That's special. I don't think I've known a girl for that long, much less been friends with her." Anita kidded.

"Yeah, you females are hard to get along with. You two must have never liked the same guy." Devon commented.

"Females?" Anita snapped.

"Just like a male. There's too many of y'all to fight over one." Rocky snarled.

"Unless it's Channing Tatum- but we got over that. We'd split him. I get morning, she gets night." I joked.

"I'll take afternoon!" Anita added.

We laughed while Devon complained he wasn't that great looking.

Rocky got her braids done up in an pretty up do while I left my short, wavy hair down. I loved my new cut. The waves looked intentional and fun and the caramel tones mixed in my dark brown hair looked amazing. Our next stop was the spa. While we waited to get set up, I got a text from Blake.

Blake: Is it ok if I bring my girlfriend tonight to your shindig."

Me: Girlfriend? Has hell frozen over? Are pigs flying? Do bears no longer shit in the woods?

Blake: I've never seen a bear go to the bathroom to take a shit, no pig congestion in my skies, and I'm pretty sure hell will be hotter once I get down there. You had your chance chicka. I've been cuffed.

Me: Lmao. Please bring your girlfriend. I can't wait to meet the girl that cuffed you up.

I got my eyebrows waxed and my facial done when my phone rang. I ignored it, relaxing while I enjoyed my pedicure. When my finger nails were dry, I retrieved my phone to see who called. It was my dad and I rushed to call him back.

"I wanted to let you know I made it." He informed me.

"What? I thought you said 3:30?" I panicked, racing to gather my things.

"That's right. By the time I get out of the airport, get a rental and checked into the hotel, it will be around then."

"I was going to pick you up. I have a house you know? With extra bedrooms. You didn't have to stay at a hotel." I complained, more disappointed then relieved.

"You know I like to have my own transportation." He said simply.

"Ok, well call me when you're checked in. We can have an earlier dinner-"

"Why don't you just send me your address so I can see your house?"

"Sounds great." I conceded before getting off the phone and texting him my address.

"Are you ok?" Rocky asked as she paid the cashier at the front desk.

"No. Yes." I contradicted myself. Rocky raised a perfectly arched brow at me. "Is it wrong I want to talk things out with my dad before he gets my address?"

"My dad doesn't even know what city I live in. Wrong person to ask." Rocky smirked.

We had lunch at Pei Wei since it was close to my house. "Amber was able to switch shifts so she will come out tonight. They were able to get a babysitter, so Will is coming too." Rocky told me as she ate.

"Good." I nodded.

"Don't be facetious."

"I'm not. I'm glad Will is coming. I hope they're ok." I went on to explain that Ethan thought I was out partying with Amber when I wasn't. I never got a chance to question her about why she was lying to Will.

"I already know what it is. The unholy trinity." Rocky grimaced.

"Stop. Staci wasn't that bad. She was funny at the gender reveal." I grinned.

"Obviously you weren't paying attention then or at the Halloween party. The three of them together is a nightmare. A ratchet nightmare." Rocky emphasized.

"I guess I was distracted." I shrugged, momentarily thinking about Trevor.

"Lily, I'm sorry-"

"Hey, don't be sorry. I'll pay attention tonight. If I'm not too drunk." I smiled, shaking it off.

"Way to rub it in." Rocky growled. "I gotta deal with drunk people sober and pregnant."

"Did I tell you how glad I am to have you as a friend? Thank God we have different taste in men. Although I feel like we will be fighting over this little man." I smiled, reaching to pat her stomach. She stabbed at me with her fork while I laughed.


Fed and happy, I went home ready to talk to my dad. I regretted having Dominick move my red couch and loveseat upstairs. It's where I wanted it to go, but since I left my furniture in Trevor's apartment, I had no downstairs living room furniture for the time being. I did have a card table- I set that up so the room didn't feel so empty. While I got a pitcher of ice water ready, my dad called to let me know he was on the way.

I spent that extra time picking out an outfit for the night out. I was going through my jewelry box, glancing at my charm bracelet I finally stopped wearing, when my doorbell rang. Justine raced for the door, barking and I followed her. I opened the door for my dad, ushering Justine away. She didn't listen, as usual, and hopped up on my dad's casual traveling clothes- black slacks and a nice sweater.

"Justine, down." I scolded her to no avail. My dad awkwardly patted her head before I was able to grab her and lead her away. "Sorry. Did you find the house ok?"

"Yes. It's a nice looking neighborhood." Dad commented.

Nice looking. I automatically tried to find some double, hidden meaning. I shook those thoughts away. "I think so. It's a really great area."

I took him on a tour of the house. His face stayed completely neutral as he inspected everything top to bottom. He even went up in the attic. We sat at the card table afterwards.

"It looks good so far. I have a question for you." He started, after declining a glass of water.

I braced myself. "Yes?"

"You never saw yourself moving back to California?" He asked, solemnly.

"I did at one time. I wanted to find my mom and reconcile. It's one of the reasons I moved back after graduate school."

My dad's lips twitched the tiniest bit. "I see. And now?"

"Now, I made a life out here. With my job and my friends; That's better than any reconciliation I felt I needed in California."

"Did you hate your life that much in California?" Dad asked outright.

"No. I didn't hate it. It's just- I guess it just holds a lot of memories for me. Even when I was little, it represented something I needed to move on from." I continued quickly when his lips set in a grim line. "Not our family. You and Cam, I can't picture my life without you two. I know I have a funny way of showing it sometimes, but I can't."

"I always felt you and Cam fled to Texas to get away. I didn't believe it was permanent. I never imagined you would be the one that wouldn't come home." He shook his head.

"Texas just feels like home." I said, honestly. "It doesn't matter where I live- you and Cam will always be my family. I would like to work on our relationship."

"Where do we start?" My dad asked.

I figured he would be more receptive if I let him go first as far as what he needed from me. He stated the things I already knew I needed to change- being respectful of him and Beatrice, my outbursts and sarcasm. It kinda startled me when he asked to be a part of my life more.

"I have no idea what's going on with you. It's... upsetting when Jenna's mother knows more than I do. I feel like a stranger in your life." He explained. I guess his candidness about his feelings surprised me.

"I don't mean for it to be that way. I tend to keep things to myself because I don't want to hear your criticism."

"You think I would have criticized you buying a house?"

I nodded. "Especially if you didn't like it."

"That's not criticizing- I'm trying to help. I helped your brother with his house. Being a homeowner is not something you rush into."

I didn't argue that I didn't rush. I didn't tell him all the months, houses and planning that went into the purchase. I stuck to the issue instead of debating an irrelevant point. (Another wisdom I learned in therapy)

"I'm nervous to tell you things because I feel like you're overbearing. I will listen to your opinions, as long as you offer them once and then leave it alone." I compromised.

He nodded. "What else do you need?"

"When I'm wrong, which I know I will be in the future, I don't want to hear I told you so." I began. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped. I waited.

"Go on." He said.

"If you think I'm wrong, I still need you to support me. Not whatever choices you think are wrong, but me." I explained.

"I can do that." He agreed. I nodded too.

"Ok."

We sat in silence for a minute. "Um, I'm going out tonight for my birthday. Drinks at a lounge. I would love it if you came with me." I invited him, stretching the truth about loving it if he joined me.

"No, go out with your friends."

"Alright. You can't complained about not being included-" I warned him.

"Going to a bar with you was not what I meant. Tomorrow, how about I take you to breakfast then shopping for your furniture?" Dad negotiated.

Breakfast was manageable and a great test to see if he would keep his opinions about my eating habits to himself. Shopping with him sounded God awful, especially something as permanent as furniture- there was no compromise to our styles. I was going to say no to shopping, but I knew this was either his way of saying my house looked pathetic or of feeling included. I decided it was the latter.

"We'll go shopping for a guestroom. I will let you pick everything out if you stay in it when you're in town." I bargained.

"What will it take for you to add letting me buy the furniture for the living room. You pick it out, I approve?" He counter offered.

"Brunch with my friends."

"Deal."

After Dad left, I hoped in the shower, careful to not get my hair wet. I did my makeup lightly- bronzer, mascara, eyeliner and a nude lips before pulling on my black and gold sweater dress. I skipped stockings and put on low heeled black booties with gold zippers. I was putting in gold hoops and studs in my ear piercings when my front door rang. Amanda arrived and shortly after, Sammy came and picked us up.

The lounge was located at the Shops of Legacy, a center that included shopping, restaurants, bars and many other services and entertainment. It was decorated with white lights on every tree leading to a huge Christmas tree. I made Sammy park in the lot closest to the tree so we could snap pictures. We then made our way to the lounge.

I was pleasantly surprised to see everyone already waiting for me in the VIP section with a huge spread of food and a full sheet cake with my picture on it.

"Ohmygod, this is too fucking much!" I squealed, excitedly.

"We can get them to take it away..." Forrest said.

"No way!" I declined, giving him a hug. I waved to Blake, who was holding hands with a nervous looking Jordan. I was momentarily stunned, until Blake stood up and handed me a Victoria Secret gift bag.

"Why do you always get me wildly inappropriate gifts?" I asked him, breaking out in a smile.

"I figured you needed something to go with the whip I got you." He grinned.

"And your girlfriend is ok with that?" I asked, looking over at Jordan.

"He picked the store, I picked the gift." Jordan spoke up, with a little smile.

I opened the bag and peaked inside before pulling it out. It was a black and red plaid onesie. The plaid reminded me briefly of Trevor, but I grinned, pushing the memories away.

"I love this. Thank you so much."

"You really like it?" She smiled broadly.

"I adore it. I can't wait to wear it." I told her walking over to give her a hug. We embraced before I moved on to greet everyone else. Rocky, Forrest, Sammy, Amber, Mia, Gigi, Amanda, Peyton, Chris, Jackie, Dominick, Richard, Dino, Jake, Colton, Taylor, Malik, Q, Ethan and Serena all came out to celebrate my birthday with me and I thanked them all profusely. Anita and Devon even made an appearance later in the evening.

The band was a David Bowie cover band, and I started the night by pulling Amanda on the dance floor to "Let's Dance". I drank, ate, laughed and danced entirely too much, but I had an amazing time. As my friends that became my family sang Happy Birthday to me, the only thing I could wish for was that my family became more like my friends. I was taking the right steps toward that, so I wished for something I really needed. The last year of my life brought so many changes, some for better and some for worse. I wished that I continued to strive for the better, despite whatever worse came my way.