Me, Myself and I

"Oh, it's just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
'Cause I got me for life
Oh I don't need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul
I don't need anything to get me through the night
Except the beat that's in my heart
Yeah, it's keeping me alive
I don't need anything to make me satisfied
'Cause the music does me good and it gets me every time" Me, Myself and I by G-Eazy ft. Bebe Rexha

Saturday Morning, I woke up early to see Dad and Cam off to go fishing on Jake's dad boat. It was a New Year's tradition of Jake's and his dad, and Jake was nice enough to extend an invitation to my dad and Cam. I couldn't picture my dad fishing, but apparently he did it all the time growing up. Even though it was a little weird for them all to be socializing without me, I didn't fight or worry about it. One of my goals for 2016 was taking care of myself by not stressing about things I couldn't control. Anyway, what's the worst that could happen? The boat capsized? They were all strong swimmers.

That left me, Jenna, and Beatrice free for the day. Jenna called her best friend Emily and we planned to go shopping together. I called Rocky to see if she wanted to join us. Needing more maternity clothes, she agreed to join us. I went over to pick her up, telling Jenna I would meet them at the mall. Rocky invited me inside her house when I arrived to see the Christmas present Forrest got her.

I wanted to question her why she didn't post a picture on Facebook like everyone else did of presents they wanted to show off, already knowing the answer. Rocky hadn't told Brandon she was dating-she still hadn't told anyone but me. More importantly, Forrest and Rocky had yet to put a label on their relationship. My goal of worrying about myself and not stressing included not getting into other people's business, so I left my concerns to myself. Forrest and Rocky were fine with whatever they were doing, so I was fine with it too.

"Have you sent me your final guest list?" I asked Rocky as we headed to the guest room.

"It's 20 people." Rocky answered, opening the closet in the room.

"Just 20? What about all the people at your gender reveal?" I asked.

"Those were my mama's friends. They had their party. This is for Brandon's mom." She notified me.

Deborah recruited me to help out with planning the baby shower so it would be more to Rocky's taste. I dived right in and suggested a casino theme. I fell in love with the name Ace even more after hearing how Rocky came up with it. Rocky filled me in on the conversation she had with Trevor about playing the hand that you're dealt. During that conversation, she told Trevor he was an Ace and the name stuck with Rocky. That's how Bilal knew about the baby name before me- through Trevor. She decided on the name Ace Brandon Carter and I decided to tie the card metaphor into the theme of the party. Thankfully, Deborah adored the name and the theme. Now we just needed the venue and the guest for invitations.

"Make sure you send me a list with names." I requested.

"Right." She pulled out 3 wooden boxes and stacked them vertically. It spelled 'ABC' "It's Ace's initials."

"I didn't even think about that. Forrest is amazing." I smiled.

"He is, isn't he? I'm thinking about doing an alphabet theme for Ace's room." Rocky announced.

"I love that idea. Which reminds me- You and Brandon need to do a baby registry so we can put the information on the invitations."

"Alright." She exhaled loudly before we left.

We met up with Jenna, Emily and Beatrice at the mall. Emily and Jenna caught up while Rocky picked out maternity clothes and I window shopped. Or, at least, tried to. Everything I pointed out as remotely cute, Beatrice bought it. I was a jacket, a few pairs of jeans and a sports bra in before I realized what she was doing.

"Carlos wants to make sure you have everything you need. You might as well pick out what you want or I'll pick it out for you." Beatrice said in a sing songy voice.

I picked out 3 additonal pairs of shoes to pacify her with every intention of giving them to Amanda, except for one. I found a pair of Reeboks classic tennis shoes that were gold with red straps I was keeping for myself. We went to Braums for lunch before heading home. I went to put away my clothes and shoes while Jenna and Beatrice called to check on Cam and Dad.

They got back to the house an hour after we got home with a cooler full of fish.

"How is that getting to California?" I asked, watching as my brother put the fish in the refrigerator.

"It's not. It's all yours." Cam grinned.

I was gearing up to tell them I didn't wanna it, when Dad announced he was going to rest before we went out to dinner. I was stunned silent. My dad was not a napper. Ever. After Beatrice followed him, I looked at Cam, smugly. "Fishing tired him out huh? I knew he wasn't a fisherman. Who really caught all that fish?"

"He did. Jose's whiskey tired him out." Cam shook his head.

"No! How much?" I gasped, remember how strong Jake's dad homemade whiskey was.

"One cup- but from the smell of it, it's probably more alcohol than he had all last year." Cam laughed.

I laughed while pulling out my phone to text Jake.

Me: Thanks for getting my dad drunk.

Jenna left to go spend some time with Amanda. I gave her the pairs of shoes before Cam and I started cleaning the fish. I never did it before, but Cam talked me through it. After the first few, I had it down.

"I never asked you how you felt about dad getting married." Cam asked me as we worked.

"I'm cool with it." I said, neutrally, sticking to my goal. Cam gave me a look that said he didn't believe me.

"I am. It's just weird because he was so against getting married. He made it clear he didn't want to be married because he didn't want to put in the effort in a marriage." I elaborated.

"You know their marriage is not going to be your definition of husband and wife." Cam pointed out.

"Swingers?" I asked.

"No. As in, dad doesn't want a partner as a wife. He wants..." Cam thought about it.

"Someone who will follow his commands, no question asked." I finished, thinking about how quickly Beatrice forgave me and the way she brought me things because Dad told her to. "He wants a foot solider."

Cam chuckled, but thought the same. "Exactly. When a soldier's been loyal, you promote them in rank. They both get what they want."

"Well, in that case, I'm happy he found what he wanted." I nodded with a smile, even though personally I would rather be alone than take orders from anyone.

After we finished, I took a long ass shower with a peppermint scrub I got on sale the day after Christmas to get rid of the fishy smell. I was blow drying my hair when Jake texted me back.

Jake: I tried to warn him...

Me: Sure you did... I think you were trying to take advantage of him on that boat.

Jake: It worked on you...

Me: {nauseated emoji}

I put my phone away and finished getting ready. We went to Texas de Brazil because it was Cam's favorite and living in California meant living without it. Cam made reservations, but there was still a little bit of a wait which was inexcusable to my dad. I distracted him from their incompetent by making him take selfies with me. I posted it on my Facebook with a caption tagging Cam. Jenna, Amanda and Beatrice at the restaurant.

Over dinner, Beatrice talked about wedding plans and threw around dates. She was talking about having a small destination wedding this summer. Truthfully, the thought of them getting married so quickly was unsettling, but I wasn't sure why. I really was fine with him getting married. It just made me feel... lonely. I changed the subject to how Dad got drunk off Jose's moonshine.

Dad commented that Jose mentioned how disappointed he was when Jake and I broke up. I coughed on the water I was swallowing. I brushed it off, telling my dad that was a nice way of handling the awkwardness of fishing with his son's ex-girlfriend's dad. Dad pressed on, saying how Jake had nothing but good things to say about me. I told him Jake said great things about his girlfriend and changed the subject back to his wedding. I may be lonely... but not lonely enough to entertain anything happening between Jake and I again- girlfriend or not. It was a nice change that my dad didn't instantly hate Jake for dating me though.

We had a nice dinner. At the end of the night, before everyone retired to bed, I pulled my dad aside so we could talk privately. I told him everything that was going on with Bianca.

" She only has one more semester of school before she graduates. I would really appreciate it if you and Cam looked out for her." I finished.

"It's done." He agreed with no hesitation. "School should be her only concern."

"I think she's ok. I was really shocked by Patty because of how supportive she was with me when I had my miscarriage. She didn't come down at me at all. I guess she didn't expect much differently from me being my mother's daughter. She told me all she could do was pray for me like my mom. " I confided in him.

"You and you're mother are nothing alike. Don't believe any of that nonsense." He fired back, heatedly.

"I know. It just makes me wonder how my mom was treated, you know? Maybe that had something to do with why she left." I said.

"I have no idea about that Lilian." He responded.

"I know. That's why I plan to reach out to her." I confessed. It was one of the goals I planned with Christian- I wanted to talk to my mother.

"You have her contact information?"

"I don't, but Bianca's brother Benjamin is a skip chaser. He already has information on my mom. I never asked for it, but I'm going to." I informed him.

He rubbed his temple. "I'm not sure what you're expecting to find, but I'll help you in anyway I can."

"Thanks Dad. That's all I need." I said, giving him a hug.

Sunday morning, they left to go back to California. The house felt so empty without them. Without Richard popping over for renovations or the hectic holiday season, I felt lonely and bored. Now that the holidays were over, Christian was back to work in New York, obsessively combing over his album and putting the finishing touches before the release so I couldn't even bug him the way I used too.

I did my normal routine of taking Justine for a run, doing my laundry, and writing out my grocery list. Afterwards, I settled in for 49ers last season game. We only won 4 games out of 15 so our playoff dreams were crushed a long time ago. I jumped on the North Carolina bandwagon months ago. Before the game started, I sent my friends a pathetic "WYD?" text to see if anyone wanted to go out to watch the last few games of the regular season with me.

Jordan was hanging at with Blake at his job, learning how to play soccer. Amber and Sammy didn't respond. I knew Amber worked the night before, so she might still be sleep and Sammy was probably ignoring me. Rocky was out shopping for her nursery and registering for gifts with Brandon. When I found that out, I called Forrest.

"Hey, I was just texting you back." Forrest answered.

"What did it say?"

"Nothing much. Watching football and working on my syllabus for this semester."

"Waiting to this last minute huh procrastinator?"

"Not really. School doesn't start until Wednesday and my curriculum is done. This is a copy for my students."

"Wanna come over here and work on it?" I invited him.

"Why don't you come over here?" He countered.

"Because I have a ton of food left over from the party and I have a present for you. A super big, heavy present." A exaggerated.

"Ok. I'm on my way."

I heated up the leftovers and grabbed a few beers. By the time Forrest arrived, I had everything set up and even popped popcorn.

"What a great bag. Where did you get such a stylish laptop bag?" I said, fawning over the gift I got him for Christmas. He needed to retire the bag Rachel got him.

"Some crazy female gave it to me." He joked and I punched him on the arm.

"Oww." He laughed, rubbing his arm. "Still taking those boxing classes?"

"Yep. So watch it mister." I threatened him as I led him to the living room. He sat on the chaise, grabbing a handful of popcorn before lounging back.

"Where is my gift?" He asked.

"In the freezer. The biggest, heaviest bag of frozen fish. My dad and my brother went fishing with Jake and them yesterday." I said sitting besides him munching on popcorn too.

He scowled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. I already cleaned it and shit." I said, sarcastically.

He sighed. "No really, thank you. It's just... you don't think I'm wasting my time with Rocky, do you?"

I turned and frowned at him. "Where did that come from?"

"You remember when Brandon was talking about the trip they took to Louisiana to go fishing before EJ was born?" Forrest started.

"Vaguely." I remember making fun of Christian when he thought they were talking about Venice in California and not in Louisiana. I thought the same thing, but didn't voice it like Christian did.

"He mentioned taking a trip with Rocky before the baby is born."

"Yeah, but she said no right?" I struggled to recall.

"Because she wouldn't be able to get off work." Forrest mumbled.

"I'm sure she just said that to spare his feelings. He put her on the spot." I reasoned, trying to remember the conversation. I really wasn't paying attention- Christian had asked me if I ever been to Venice beach. I hadn't and he asked me what my favorite boardwalk was. When I imparted I hadn't been to any, he looked surprised. He informed me how they were his number one date spot growing up. I responded I wasn't the type of girl he would have asked out. He called me exotic and beautiful- the first type of girl he would ask. I revealed I was also 100 pounds heavier and he wouldn't have gave me the time of day. He finally agreed, but admitted he would have regreted missing out on getting to know me. That made me feel better than him calling me beautiful.

"Maybe. I can understand her not wanting to get serious or put a label on us. I just don't understand why it has to be a secret that we're dating." Forrest began, cutting off my thoughts of Christian.

I didn't either, but I didn't say anything about it. "That's something you should talk to her about."

"That's all you're gonna tell me?"

"Yep. I love you both but it's like you said, don't worry about things that are out of my control." I said.

"The one time you decide to listen to me and mind your own business..." he rubbed his beard.

"New year, new me!" I handed him a beer. "I will say, you should never feel like anyone is wasting your time. You're too amazing for that. Rocky knows that. We just talked about it when she showed me your Christmas present. She's making it the nursery theme."

"She really liked it?"

"She loved it. I did too. I wished I would have thought of it first. It would have made a great baby shower theme." I concurred.

"It's not too late is it?"

"Yep. I already ordered the roulette wheel for the casino theme."

"Casino?"

"Yeah. Baby Ace? Cards? Poker? Casino? Las Vegas style buffet?"

"Should be a good time." He said, noncommittally.

"You're going to be there... even if you have to pretend to be my bae again." I smiled. "Speaking of, keep your summer open."

"What for?" Forrest laughed.

"My dad's wedding. I might need your bae services."

"You might have a real bae by then."

I seriously doubted that. I was good with being single, but I was definitely not in the head space to date. How would anyone even compare to the history I had with Trevor? It wouldn't even be a fair try. Besides, where do I even find available guys. Bars? Online? The grocery store? Urgh, starting brand new with someone else sounded awful. I was good riding solo, even if it was lonely at times.

"If I did, I wouldn't want to subject them to my dad that soon and scare him away."

"Why subject me to it?"

"It wouldn't be real. Besides,you scared off that guy at the lounge on my birthday! You owe me!" I exclaimed, dramatically.

"I thought I was helping you out."

"Bullshit. We were vibing."

"That was the alcohol." He shoot me down.

"Everything he said resonated with me."

"The only thing you could hear was the music."

"I saw my future in his eyes." I joked.

"It was dark. You didn't see anything."

I laughed. "You don't know that!"

"Yeah. I do. He just wanted to take you home. Don't waste your time. You're too amazing for guys like that."

"Maybe I like wasting my time."

"Don't. Spend it on someone worthy of you." Forrest lectured me. I smiled. "Or on picking out a new team. The 49ers depress me and they're not even my team."

"Fuck off Forrest!" I attacked him playfully while we laughed.

Forrest left when Rocky called and invited him over. He didn't get to see the 49ers win in overtime.

I traded my jeans for black jogging pants with my 49ers tank top and I put on my new Reeboks. I played with my hair, momentarily missing my long hair when my signature high ponytail was so short. I put my hair up in a top knot instead. I put gold shimmer on my eyes, mascara, liner and a cherry red lip. It took about 30 minutes of selfies before I got the perfect picture. The lighting was great, my pose looked natural not forced, my shoes were visible, my boobs look great, just a sliver of my navel showed from where I hooked my thumb in the waistband of my pants, and my smile looked relaxed, but pretty. I posted it with the caption:

Win, lose or tie. 9ERS for life!!! Super Bowl

50 still in San Francisco. Leggo!

#NinerNation  #ReadyForNextSeason #SuperBowl51InHTown #BowDownBitches

The comments and likes came in quickly.

Jordan: Can I be a San Francisco fan too? I liked the colors.

Blake: Not in my house Jordan. Support your team... don't be delusional Lily.

Corey: What team? Oh, I just noticed the writing. Go 9ERS!

Sammy: #ThirstTrap

Dominick: Those shoes are killing me

Richard: She's wearing shoes?

Bilal: She has feet?

Amber: Yasss! Got 'em! @Sammy

Staci: You should be getting paid to promote a tea or sumthin- not football.

Jake: Have you been drinking some of that moonshine? 9ers ain't going to the Super Bowl anytime soon.

Cam: It was a rebuilding year! We'll get a good draft pick for next season. Where's the hoodie I got you Lily?...

By the time I got ready to go to bed, there were more comments and likes but I ignored them in favor of texting Christian back.

Christian: You made me a 49ERS and a Flo Rida fan all in one picture.

I smiled, pleased that he noticed my homage to Flo Rida in my baggy sweat pants and Reeboks with straps.

Me: I knew I could convert you. Are you listening to him right now?

Christian: No, Have you heard of G-Eazy? He's from California and did a track with me

Me: I have now.

Christian called and I smiled seeing his name flash across my screen. It was just easy to talk to him, especially since we decided to be friends. We were both in the same phase in our life of being content on our own. What made it even better was that we knew each other enough to be comfortable, but not very well at all. He would get to see the person I was now without any prior knowledge of who I use to be. It was a liberating feeling. I got settled into bed before I answered.