Let it Go

"From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you
But now we're sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees
So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me
Everything's that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me" Let it Go by James Bay



Ever since my dad and Ethan ganged up on me about my home being secure, I took extra precautions to make sure I was safe. One of those things was driving to the front of my house to pick up my mail before I parked in my garage. I also became more aware of my surroundings. It was dark but I saw movement at my front door. I waited for the person to knock or go away, but they didn't. There was a car parked across from my house, but I didn't recognize it. I pulled out my phone but stopped when the figure pulled out a phone too. The light from the phone illuminated Trevor's face. As relieved I was it wasn't a stranger lurking around my house, dread filled me with having to talk to him.

I remained in my car, trying to calm down. My phone rang and I knew Trevor could see me just sitting there, but I wasn't ready to face him quite yet. I repeated the mantra I told myself everyday- I was mature, thoughtful and in control.

God, I hoped I could maintain control of myself. I still had too many hurt feelings. It was hard enough reading the letter he attached to the fruit. I wasn't prepared to talk to him- I planned on talking to Dr. Periera first. She helped me work through my own feelings before I formulated a plan.

I sat in the car until I came up with a solution. Just because he was ready to talk, didn't mean I had to. I would let him say whatever he needed to say. Then, I would ask him to leave. It would help him get whatever closure he needed to move forward and maybe I could understand his actions for what it was worth. I got out the car, confident in my plan. My confidence faltered slightly once I walked up the few steps on my walkway and approached him.

"Hey. What's up?" I asked him, pulling out my key.

"The sky." Trevor responded, with a small smile. Normally, a corny response like that would break the tension and make me smile. I couldn't even fake it. It was too much, too soon. I looked away from him and unlocked my door.

"I meant, what do you want?" I opened the door, reaching for the light switch before heading to reset the alarm.

Trevor followed me, looking around when I turned on the light. He then turned to me and I focused on the alarm.

"A lot of things, but mostly to see you." He said.

When I finally looked at him, my resolve to stay calm flew out the window. He was wearing the Pac-man shirt and "Never Give Up" beanie cap I made for him.

 I crossed my arms, impatiently. "Even though I made it clear I didn't want to see you?"

"I just needed to talk to you in person. Did you get the fruit?" He looked at me, hopefully.

"Yeah. I got it. I gave it away." My voice was biting even to my own ears. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

He looked crestfallen for a moment, but a look of determination set on his face.

"I meant what I said in the letter. My life means nothing without you in it. Nothing is the same without you. I can't go a day without thinking about you. I love you. I wanna make us right again." He implored me.

I waited to hear him say that for so long. Now, when I finally decide to stop waiting, he told me everything I wanted to hear. I was trembling when I responded.

"There is no us Trevor... You broke up with me." I said as firmly as I could muster.

Trevor looked away, ashamed, before looking back at me. "I didn't think... I didn't think you would wanna be with me if I was sick. I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing by ending things with you. I had nothing to give you anymore. You're so beautiful and smart and amazing and you can do so much better than me. You always could. But I love you so much Lily. No one will love you as much as I do. I'll show it to you everyday."

I closed my eyes to keep the tears from failing. "I love you too, but we can't be together."

Trevor shook his head before I could even finish. "Yes, we can. I was wrong. I was stupid and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have broke up with you. I should have known there was a reason you were hanging out with Christian. I won't make those mistakes again. I'll never fuck up again if you give me another chance."

It was my turn to shake my head. "I don't want to be with you Trevor. Not now." I said hoarsely.

He crumbled before my eyes. The light left his eyes and he looked so small and lost- I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to hold him and chase away all the pain and hurt- but I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep my hands away..

He stood there, watching me. I don't know what he was looking for, but I keep a stony face. He took a step towards me, but I took two back. The only show of emotions was the slight tremor in my voice. "You need to leave Trevor."

His eyes flickered downward before they turned hard. He didn't say another word before he left. I willed my tears away before I locked the door and went to bed.



The rest of the week I spent in a funk. I felt like I did the right thing, but I also felt like shit about it. I cancelled my appointment with Dr. Pereira- I wasn't in the mood to talk about anything. I just needed to process things on my own. I couldn't get Trevor's defeated face out of my mind.

I keep thinking about the amazing times we had- Our trips to Japan and The Florida Keys, the sweet things he did for me, the plans we made together. It was easier when he didn't want to be with me. Now,I couldn't help but feel like I was throwing it all away.

On Saturday, I spent the day at a women's shelter volunteering for the Dallas Mavericks foundation. A few starting players from the team helped bring a large turn out for volunteers and donations. While the players painted walls, put together furniture and held babies for the occupants of the shelters, I helped out separating donations and making gift baskets for the women and children.

Monica, the athletic trainer I spoke to before, volunteered as well and we worked together. I also briefly spoke to Adil and meet his fiancee, Farzana. At the end of the event, the women and children were so grateful for everything, it made me feel so much better. Afterwards, I ended up going to grab a bite to eat with Monica, her husband who was part PR team for the Mavericks, and some of their other friends and colleagues that volunteered.  We shared stories about the women we met and how brave and strong they were to get out of abusive relationships. It reaffirmed to me that the right thing to do wasn't always the easiest thing.

Sunday, I had The Weeknd, Travis Scott and Hasley concert to go to in Houston. Amanda started a new job, so she wasn't able to join us. I invited Jordan in her place. It wasn't Taylor Swift, but I figured it could make up for the concert we missed. Christian informed me part of the gift was providing transportation for us, so we all agreed to meet up at my house to get ready to go. Amber came over right after she got off work so she could show me what she bought.  She got us all "XO Girls" tanks in different colors so we could match for the concert.

I paired my blue tank with black leather leggings, a black oversized cardigan that went pass my butt and combat boots. Amber's was red and look great with a plaid skater skirt and knee length boots. Jordan wore her white tank with sheer leggings, black short shorts and booties. Sammy wore her green tank under her zip up dress with stilettos. She promised to unzip her dress when we took pictures.

We were pregaming and finishing our hair and make-up when my doorbell rang. I figured it must be the driver for the evening and Amber raced to answer.

"Ohmygod, you guys have to come here!!!" Amber shrieked to us.

We walked out to see what the excitement was about. A Mercedes party bus was parked outside of my house. I was stunned as I followed the girls to examine the inside. The interior was badass and slick as fuck. There was wrap around leather seating, 2 plasma TV, karoke, laser and strobe lights, a mini bars, and a day bed.

"Ohmygod! Staci and Mia are gonna be so jealous." Amber laughed, pulling out her phone to take a video.

I shook my head. It was ridiculous that Christian thought the 4 of us needed all this. I pulled out my phone to text Christian when Sammy voiced her displeasure.

"Why would he do all this if he isn't trying to fuck you?" Sammy pursed her lips at me.

"I don't know. He always been generous. You remember the trip to Mexico." I reminded her.

"This is different. Don't you understand why Trevor would be upset?" Sammy argued back, with her hands on her hip.

I automatically stiffened at the mention of Trevor. I hadn't told anyone why Trevor and I weren't friends anymore-well, no one but Christian. Partially because I didn't want to explain why I was hanging with Christian and the other part is that I didn't want to have any drama. I let people think what they wanted because at the end of the day, I knew the truth. I didn't feel the need to share it with everyone- that was good enough for me.

"He broke up with me. Why would he be upset?" I shrugged her off.

"Cut the bullshit Lily. Is he why you don't want to get back together with Trevor?" Sammy glared at me.

"Maybe you should save this for another time." Jordan suggested.

"Or never. I'm not talking about this Sammy. My decision is my decision. I don't owe anyone an explanation." I said, moving off the bus. I walked into my house, fuming. Why would Trevor tell her? Was she really defending him to me?

Sammy followed me. "He fucked up but he has cancer. After everything he's done for you, everything he's done to be with you, you're willing to throw that away? For Christian?"

"It's not for Christian. It's for me!" I raised my voice.

"For you? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Sammy yelled at me.

"A fucking lot Sammy! I wish I was confident, secure and mature enough with myself to say I'm ready to try again, but I'm not. I will love Trevor for the rest of my life, but right now I can't be with him." I reasoned with her.

"If you love him, why can't you?" She demanded to know.

"Do you how it feels to not be good enough? It makes you insecure and impossible to see the good in yourself. I felt that my entire life and I'm trying to change it. Right now, I can't be around him without feeling that way. " Angry tears rolled down my face as I explained.

"He feels the same say way Lily. You're making him like he's not good enough." Sammy accused me. "I can't be around you right now. I have to go." She said before stomping out.

I knew he felt the same way. That was the hardest thing about it. He was hurting like I was hurting and there was nothing I could do about it. Being together wouldn't change that- I knew that first hand. Just like he couldn't fix my insecurities, I couldn't fix his. I sat down on the couch, and rubbed my temples, feeling fucking miserable.  Amber came and joined me.

"My biggest regret was not leaving Will when I was younger." Amber announced. I looked at her, shocked. "I loved him- but I should have loved myself more than him. I can't help but think how my life would have turned out if I wasn't so afraid to be on my own." She admitted.

"It's terrifying. And lonely. Sometimes I feel like I'm throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me." I said softly.

Amber rubbed my back. "It's like that expression says, 'if you love someone, let them go'. If it's meant to be, it will be. You have to move forward though- no going back. Just give it some time and keep doing you."

I nodded. "Call Mia or Staci. Whoever can get here first gets Sammy's ticket."

Amber smiled. "Ok!"

She left to make the call and I grabbed another drink. I toasted to moving on and tossed it back. Afterwards, I pulled out my phone to text Christian thanks.