Crazy

"My heroes are at the heart
To the life I wanna live
And all I remember, is thinking
I wanna be like them
Mm hmm
Ever since I was little, 
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
And as no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably" Crazy by Gnarls Barkely


Amber sent a group text to me, Sammy, Rocky, Jackie, Peyton, Gigi, Jordan and another number I didn't recognize. The text instructed us to be at her house, with a bottle of wine (spend no more than $10), a favorite appetizer, and gently worn clothes that we didn't want anymore for a sleep over. I loved Amber for that: completely in my budget and I needed to get rid of the clothes that didn't fit anymore. With her permission, I forwarded the text to Kelly Friday evening.

Kelly declined, saying that Malik was having his graduation celebration over the weekend. I remembered congratulating him on Facebook when I saw he graduated college. I posted the picture we took together at the CSI exhibit in Vegas, and told him now that he graduated, I was calling him to help me get away with my hit list.

He replied: lol, that's what's up. You know I'm calling the cops on you?

To which I replied: I take my congratulations back.

I called Kelly back as I went through my closet looking for clothes to take to Amber's house.  I asked how she was doing. When she told me she was pregnant, I responded as if I didn't know. She chuckled at me.

"I know Jake and Omar recruited you to talk to me. I'm not mentally unstable; I'm just taking care of myself and the baby." She defended herself.

"I didn't say you were. I think they think listening to the doctor is the best choice." I pointed out.

"I did that last time, remember? I'm doing what's best for me and my baby. Anyone who thinks differently can fuck off." She said, nonchalantly.

I couldn't help but feel that was directed at me. Part of me wanted to ask if that included her husband and baby's father, but I thought better of it. It wasn't my battle. The only thing I said I would do was try. I did that. Mission accomplished.

Besides, I heard the door opening downstairs at my apartment and Trevor was the only one with a key besides Rocky now. I doubt she was using it.

"Ok Kelly. Good luck and take care." I said, sincerely.

"Thanks. Y'all have fun! We should get together soon!" She said so brightly, I questioned her stability as I got off the phone.

I was going through my clothes in my room when Trevor came in.

"What time does the movie start?" I asked as Justine trailed him. He was going with Chris and some friends to see Jurassic World. 

"Not until 9; everything else was sold out." He said, sitting on my bed, watching me. "I have time to run some of your clothes over to my place." He offered.

"You're gonna run?" I asked, smartly.

"No, probably drive, smartass." He said, shooting me a grin.

I smiled. "I didn't know! I'm not packing: I'm seeing what I don't want so I can take them to Amber's girl night."

"And do what with them?" He asked.

"I don't know. Play dress up? What do girls do at slumber parties? I've never been." I shrugged.

"How would I know? I can still take some clothes over for you. I could probably fit everything you have hanging up in my car. And your shoes."

"Have you even organized your closet?" I asked, rhetorically. I knew he didn't.

"I don't need to; I'll push everything to the back."

"No, that's ok. I'd rather wait."

"Why? I understand movers for the furniture, but I can get most of your stuff over myself."

"Your apartment is smaller than mine. Most of my stuff is going to storage. I need to figure out what's going and what's not."

"Why can't you do that at my place?"

"Our place?" I said, sarcastically.

He looked at me for a moment before trying again. "Sorry. Our place. We can move everything to our place and organize our stuff together."

"That sounds like double work." I dismissed him.

"No, it's not. That way when we hire the movers, they can bring the furniture you want to the apartment and pack up the rest to go to storage."

"You want my furniture at your place?"

"Our place." He corrected me, with a smile. "And I don't care. Bilal told me you wanted your furniture."

"You should care. Your stuff is falling apart." I commented.

"Alright, so we're set. Next weekend, we'll get the movers. Let's spend this week getting everything else over to our place." Trevor suggested.

"I'll let you know. I have to look for movers and a storage unit."

"Done and done." He told me. "I was waiting for this paycheck to take care of it."

"Oh." I said, turning away to look at my closet.

"I'm going make the down payment on the storage unit tomorrow. It's in Plano, right next to our apartment so we can start putting the things we don't need away. I have a moving  company. I just need to set up the date and time."

"Great." I said, flatly, not taking my eyes off my work.

"What's wrong?" Trevor asked, confusion in his voice. I turned around to look at him.

"Because you're paying for it, you get to make all the decisions now?" I asked him, brusquely.

"What? No. You said you were stressed. I was trying to help-"

"Just because I'm stressed doesn't mean I don't want a say in things."

"Nothings done yet. What do you want to do differently?" He asked, calmly.

"That's not the point!" I argued.

"Then what is? It seems like you don't want to move in with me."

"That's dumb and not true. I'm the one that brought up living together." I reminded him, looking away.

"No, you didn't. You got an attitude when I didn't offer." He countered.

"So my attitude is the only reason you want me to live with you?" I cut my eyes at him, pissed.

"No. I've always wanted you to live with me; even if the reason you want to is because you have to."

"What does that mean?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

"If you had a job, would you still want to live with me?" He asked, bluntly.

I looked up at him, hurt. How could he even think that? I remembered thinking about us living together before Jasmine moved in, while I was still working and didn't need a roommate.

I stared him down. "I don't have to live with you. If I needed to, my dad would support me until I got a job."

He face fell and he stood up. "Maybe you should do that, then you wouldn't have to come up with every excuse not to move in." He said, plainly before leaving.

I let him go. I wasn't even sure why we were fighting now. I didn't know why I was so upset. Too frustrated to continue with my clothes, I went to the gym. I played my work out music, constantly checking my phone to see if Trevor called or text. He never did.




The next morning, after eating yogurt and granola, I took Justine for a run. I came back, and finally text Trevor.

Me: How was the movie?

I waited for 20 minutes before hopping in the shower. I was deep conditioning my hair when my phone finally beeped.

Trevor: It was great. You would have liked it

Me: Doubtful, but if it post on the website soon, I will watch it.

Trevor: You can't bootleg Jurassic Park Lily.

Me: Why? Is Chris Pratt going to spank me?  Cuz I might be into that.

Trevor: I was more worried about a genetical engineered dinosaur attack against you...

Me: They're fucking with dinosaurs genetics now? No thanks.

Trevor: lol

Me: :-)
What are you doing today?

Trevor: Gonna get some work done and hang with Corey. Have fun tonight.

Me: ok

I sighed. At least he was speaking to me. It coulda been worse...

I finished my hair, blow drying and straightening it before going grocery shopping. I went to a grocery store that happened to be doing a wine demo. The lady was sampling a Spanish Cava. It was white, sparkling wine that was completely out of my budget. I did find hummus on sale and bought it along with vegetables to make a tray. I went to the wine aisle and found a closeout sale on a Cava Rosè.  I got it, hoping it was as good as the one I tried. I then took my items home and finished going through my clothes.

I took longer than I originally planned. Probably because I was also sorting what would come with me to Trevor's apartment, what would go to storage and what I would get rid of. I was loading up everything I wanted to get rid of in my car when my phone rang. I ran to it, a little disappointed to see it was Amber.

She called to ask if I would bring my karaoke machine. I agreed and asked her what the clothes were for. She informed me the first part of the night would be a clothes swap party. I told her I had purses and shoes I was going to donate too and asked if it was ok if I brought them. She quickly agreed and got off the phone with me to send a text letting everyone know the same.

I arrived to the party, a little nervous about seeing Rocky. That's why I decided to show up early. If I arrived before she did, she would have to greet me or look petty. I knew she would most likely give me the cold shoulder until I apologized again and we'd move on. Amber let me in and I gave her the tray and the wine before heading back to my car to grab the clothes. I didn't bring everything I was donating- just the items in best condition.

One of her co-workers, Daniella, helped me put everything up.

"Ooo, why are you giving this away?" She cooed over the blue dress Bianca made for me.

"It fits too tight." I answered, laying out my purses.

She looked over my body in a way that made me feel self-conscious in my jeans and t-shirt. "I'm still going to try it on." She informed me.

"Of course." I smiled at her, nervously.

My nerves turned to shock as she pulled off the summer dress she was wearing and pulled on my dress. I didn't even have time too look away. Yeah, her bra and panties set was like a bikini as far as coverage, but we weren't at a beach or a pool!

"Ok, what's up? If it fits me, it fits you." She commented, once she smoothed it out.

"It's too tight for me... it looks great on you." I told her.

She scrutinized me again. "Does the dress have bad memories? Ex-boyfriend-" She started interrogating me.

"Dino, stop harassing Lily! And that better be your change of clothes!" Amber interrupted her, joining us in the living room.

"It's not." She admitted, with a grin.

"I told you to wait til everyone gets here!" Amber scolded her.

"And I told you you have no system. No system, no rules." She shrugged.

"So you two work together?" I asked, with a smile as Amber glared at her.

"Unfortunately." Amber said, rolling her eyes playfully. "This is Daniella, but everyone calls her Dino. Excuse her-assertiveness. It's great at the hospital, abrasive in real life."

"I'm a nurse 24-7. Can't turn it off." She countered.

"Turn yourself off then." Amber said, sharply. I laughed at them.

All the girls started showing up. Gigi, Jordan, and Amber's cousin Monica came around 6. Sammy showed up a little afterwards with her friend from Arlington Sophia.

We had plenty of snack foods and wines to get started eating. I stuck to my diet as I munched on nuts, cheese, and veggies with hummus and guacamole. My favorite cheap-"Inexpensive!" I heard Amber correct me in my head- wines were Beviamo Moscato D'Asti, Yellowtail Pinot Noir, and Arbor Mist Zinfandel Sangria. I literally took sips of wine and drank water.

"Ok, who's favorite snack is hummus?" Sophia asked, loudly over the chatter in the kitchen.

"Favorite healthy snack." I confessed.

"We were supposed to be healthy?" Jordan asked me. She brought two large, thin crust pizzas from i Fratelli with double bianco sauce, chicken, spinach, tomatoes and breakfast bacon. As soon as she opened the box, I stepped away. I would not break my diet! Not for pizza, no matter how good it smelt...

"I thought it would be nice to have an option." I shrugged.

"Fuck broccoli!" Dino exclaimed.

They all laughed and cheered to that. I shook my head. When I saw Dino watching me, I smiled.

We moved to the living room to start looking at clothes. Everyone was pretty civil, until it came to a Michael Kors wallet Jordan brought to trade. Gigi and Dino went back and forth over who saw it first. I couldn't remember if it was the wallet Derek got her for Valentine's Day. It sure looked like it...

"Why didn't you invite Serena? I thought y'all were cool now." I asked Amber as we looked over some clothes. They took a ton of selfies together over Memorial Day weekend when they got rained in the cabin at the lake.

"We are. Rachel and Forrest are getting married today, remember?" Amber said as she tried on a skirt that Sammy brought over the leggings she was wearing. I wished I would have thought about wearing leggings. No way was I undressing in front of everyone and it was damn near impossible to see how things fit over jeans.

"Oh, right." I said, thoughtful. Honestly, I forgot. I didn't think about how I screwed up those friendships.

"What about Rocky? Is she late?" I asked, casually.

Not casually enough. Amber looked at me, critically.

"She said she wasn't feeling well; after I told her you were coming." She admitted.

I blanched. Real subtle Rocky.

"What's going on between you two?" Amber asked.

"Nothing." I said, picking up a skull cap that had gold plated letters that read BOSS. "You should go break that up, hostess." I nodded over at Dino and Gigi still going at it.

Amber sighed, then grinned. "Did you bring the karaoke machine?"

"I did. I left it in my car." I said.

"Go get it."

I did. When I came back, Amber announced there would be a sing off to determine who won the wallet. Both Gigi and Dino were game, so they picked outfits and ran to separate rooms to get ready. Gigi came out first, in a plaid mini skirts from Jordan, a white button down from Monica and pigtails. We already knew Britney Spears was her choice and she did a cute reenactment of Baby One More Time.

Dino came out next, complete with a fitted neon paint splatter dress from Sophia, and what looked like a pillow shoved up her dress on her butt. We were rolling in laughter as she did a crazy version of The Night is Still Young by Nicki Minaj. Gigi was laughing as she handed the wallet to Dino. Dino posed with her fake booty and new wallet.

We went back to trying to get rid of the clothes we brought. Dino kept trying to get me to take a black romper. It was cute, besides the cutouts on the side.

"I like it; I just can't with my stomach." I shook my head.

"What stomach? Girl, do you have body dysmorphia?" She exclaimed.

I saw Amber and Sammy both look over at us. I kinda laughed her off.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's a disorder where you obsessive over flaws that don't exist-"

"I'm a physical therapist. I know what it is. Just because I'm conscious, doesn't mean I have a disorder." I bristled.

"Conscious of what?" Sammy chimed in.

"Yeah, you haven't tried anything on." Amber encouraged me. "Try it."

Dino watched me, challengingly, so I snatched the romper from her hands. I went into the bathroom and put it on. I examined myself in the mirror. It didn't look too bad. At least my sides were flat- It would look so much better if I had some definition.

I came out the bathroom, uncomfortably and Dino gave me a huge smile.

"See? That's how I wished I looked in that romper. Damn my mom; I got my shortness from her." Dino complained. Everyone laughed while I gave her a weak smile.

When Dino moved on to harass someone else, Amber joined me. "I'm sorry about her. She grows on you."

"Yeah, so does cancer. Doesn't mean I won't nuke the bitch." I muttered, bitterly.

"Speaking of..." Amber said. "I was posting the videos on Instagram. Look what I saw."

I looked to see on Jackie's Instagram was a picture of Rocky and Brandon, huddled close together in what look like a smokey bar. It was Malik celebration, so I knew it was the same night.  The stupid romper, lack of food, sips of wine, fight with Trevor and Rocky's total dismissal of me was too much to bear. I cracked, tears rushing from my eyes.

"Lily-" Amber started.

"I'm sorry." I said, leaving them as I rushed outside.

"Lily, wait." Amber called after me. I made it to the porch before she grabbed my arm.

"What's wrong?" She asked, concerned.

Sammy and Jordan stepped outside too. I tried to stop myself from crying, but it only made me cry more.

"I'm not sad. I'm just so... mad and frustrated!" I said, wiping my tears away, angrily.

"Why?" Jordan asked.

"Rocky." Amber commented

"Trevor?" Sammy questioned.

"Everything. Mostly myself. I'm losing it." I said, before I crumbled to the porch. They sat down with me and I told them everything. The blowout that I had with Rocky, the little fights that I had with Trevor, my fears about moving in with Trevor. It wasn't the job, it wasn't the money, it wasn't the fucking house. It was losing him. It couldn't control that and I couldn't handle it.

I already lost Rocky. I didn't fantasy about a boyfriend growing up: I felt like that was so unattainable I didn't even let myself hope. I had my brother, and because of him I was never truly alone or picked on, but I still was lonely. I put up a front like I'd rather be left alone, but honestly, I yearned for a friend. I just wanted someone who would always be there for me: right, wrong, or in between. I thought I had that with Rocky.

She was my first true friend. My best friend. Trevor was too, but it was different because I had feelings for him. I wasn't as open or honest as I was with Rocky. We were like sisters; I always had her back because I thought she would do the same for me. I was so wrong.

 I could understand if it was something I did. I could accept that. I apologized, even though I didn't feel like what I did was awful and she was still mad. I was willing to grovel if it meant moving forward. Now I didn't know what to do but accept that I was losing my best friend. That was tearing me apart.

It was worse than losing Ethan and Jake combined. On some levels, worse than my mom: I couldn't remember the good times with her. What hurt the most was how easy it was for them to cut me out their life. That made feel like I was losing it. I couldn't go through that with Trevor. How could I build a life with him, knowing how easy it was for people to leave?

"Lily, that's not fair to say. We're all right here. We love you." Amber said, supportive.

"You can't listen to Rocky right now. Believe me. I've been there. We've been there. You can't be happy for someone else when you're miserable yourself." Sammy said, rubbing my leg.

"Anyone with eyes can see how much you and Trevor are made for each other. I would kill to have Derek look at me the way he looks at you." Jordan stated.

"Yeah," I sniffed, looking up. "But what if it's not enough?" I asked her. "What if he leaves?"

"Then we're here for you. Just like you were there for me with Will. We're not going anywhere." Amber said.

"That's right and I'll kick his ass. You know I'll do it." Sammy agreed. I snorted. She would. She was probably waiting for a reason.

"I don't think it's going to happen, but if y'all break up, I'm the best wingwoman." Jordan promised.

I chuckled, drying my tears. "Yeah, I saw that the other night."

The front door opened and Dino came out.

"Here." She said, handing me a plate of food and a huge glass of wine. "I would be upset too if I was on a diet. Fuck broccoli." She said, before going back inside. We all looked at each other and laughed.

"I don't know if I love her or hate her." I said, between laughs.

"I gotta say, not all nurses are crazy like that." Amber said, with a grin.

"We kinda are though. You have to be to deal with all the bullshit on a daily bases." Jordan disagreed.

"I think that's women in general. Aren't we all a little crazy?" Sammy shrugged.

No one disagreed.