The Impression That I Get (Bilal's POV)

"I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested.
I'd like to think that if I was I would pass.
Look at the tested, and think there but for the grace go I.
Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out.
I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has.
Which makes me wonder if I could.
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood.
And I'm glad I haven't yet because I'm sure it isn't good.
That's the impression that I get.
Never have, I'd better knock on wood.
'Cause I know someone who has.
Wonder if I could, it makes me wonder if I've never had to.
I'd better knock on wood 'cause I'm sure it isn't good.
And I'm glad I haven't yet, that's the impression that I get.” The Impression That I Get by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Bilal's Point Of View

The sounds of Lily and Trevor awakened me. They were up, cooking something in the kitchen, giggling and bantering playfully. I stretched, my head throbbing from my hangover.

Lily was dieting and Trevor had to work the next morning, therefore I drank alone as we watched "Darkside of the Rainbow." It felt a little voyeuristic sitting with them all cuddled up. Trevor joked the same thing back when Rocky and I were together. I drank to combat the feeling of loss and urge to reach out to her.

By the time the movie was over, I was ready to crash. Lily and Trevor made their way to bed together and I offered to put my headphones on. Trevor laughed while Lily looked confused.

I made a joke the first night I stayed when Trevor returned from following Lily in the kitchen. It was about wearing my headphones to bed to give them privacy. An odd expression was on his face before he shook his head and smiled.

"No, Lily's a screamer. It wouldn't help." He tried to joke, but I knew something was off.

"What's going on with you two?" I asked.

"Nothing." He said, plainly. Lily came out from the kitchen and said goodnight. The way he watched her confirmed to me something was up.

"Are y'all fighting again?" I continued.

"No, we're fine."

I stared at him, knowing he was lying. I've always been good at reading people. It was an innate skill. He knew that I knew he was bullshitting. I waited for him to tell the truth. After a few moments of silence, he broke.

"I don't know." He sighed.

"You don't know what? You're having second thoughts?" I probed.

"No, I'm not. I think she might. If not now, eventually."

Trevor was an optimist. It use to annoy the shit out of me when we first met. It didn't mesh with the cynical view I had on the world, but we figured it out. Something was amiss if he was predicting trouble in their relationship.

"What makes you think that?" I said, perplexed.

"You remember Ethan?"

I nodded silently. Lily's ex, Rocky's future brother in law-

"I just heard her on the phone with him." Trevor relayed, breaking my chain of thoughts. "He paid her lawyer fees."

"Why?" That was strange but I was trying to understand why that bothered him.

"I guess everyone knows I can't provide for her." He fretted.

"What makes you think you think that? J-Mike? Don't listen to him. He's an idiot."

"I'm not, but shouldn't she be coming to me to take care of her? Unless she feels like I can't?"

"She should be taking care of you considering she'll always make more money." I chuckled.

"You know what I mean." Trevor exhaled.

"Maybe if you were dating another girl. Lily's the most low maintenance girl I know." I pointed out.

"She's changed. She might realize she can do better." Trevor admitted.

"Yeah, but she doesn't want better, she wants you." I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Trevor didn't even crack a smile.

"Where is this coming from?" I said, seriously. "Everybody changes, but she's still Lily. It's painfully obvious how much she loves you. You need to talk to her." I said.

Trevor wiped his hand over his face. "Yeah, your right."

"I know." I finished my beer. "Don't start playing the martyr and decide what she wants. That never ends well."

"Yeah yeah. Speaking of not ending well, do I need to hide my keys so you don't something stupid?" Trevor raised an eyebrow at me. I knew he was talking about Rocky.

"Nope. I'm good." I said.

It was partially true. As long as I didn't think about her, I was good.


***Flashback***


We barely made it into the house after we started kissing outside Rocky's front door. I couldn't remember which one of us unzipped my pants or pulled her panties to the side. I remembered the moment I pushed into her. It was primitive; our desires overpowering everything else.

There was always a connection between Rocky and I; some intangible something that tether us together. Neither one of us knew what it was. We marveled at it when we first got to know each other, stealing moments whenever we could to see if it was real. We tested it through college, proving to ourselves and each other it was strong enough to endure. Ultimately, we ignored it when we went our separate ways, nether one of us willing to admit how we really felt.

Finding out that she felt the same way I did when we broke up is what made me realize why I could never be satisfied with anyone else. Noorie was perfect on paper; maybe if I met her first, I would have been perfectly happy not knowing any better. I didn't meet her first and I knew better. I knew perfection with Rocky, no one else measured up. Just because we weren't ready, didn't mean our connection went away. We prove that against her door.

It was more than sex. Her anger outside was enough to demonstrate nothing changed between us. She was always defiant, even when she agreed with me. I knew it was the reason she lashed out at me; because everything I said was true. I needed to show her, so I kissed her.

I wasn't planning to have sex with her, but it reestablished our bond. Her little whimpers in my ear reminded me of all the nights we stayed up talking on the phone about any and every thing . It was the way she glared at me, challenging me like she always did with her intelligent and feisty spirit.  She clung to me showing  how much she needed me, even though she never expressed it with words. Our connection was as strong as ever, possibly stronger.

After we came together, we shared a moment. A moment where I knew she felt our connection too. Her eyes were soft and sexy as she examined my face.  She wet her lips and my mouth automatically sought her tongue. It was a little game we started in college, and a laugh escaped from her lips.

"Fuck, I missed you Racqelle." I smiled against her lips. "I'll never let you go again..."

As soon as I said it, the moment was gone. She stiffened and struggled in my arms. "Put me down." Rocky demanded, hoarsly, looking away and breaking our eye contact.

I didn't want to pull away but I did as she asked. As I moved away from the front door I was holding her against,  her legs clutched me tighter, contradicting her words. I harden in response, and she froze.

"Let me go." She requested, firmly. Her eyes requested the exact opposite, but I listened to her words and helped her to her feet.

"You need to go. Now." She told me once she was standing.

"Ok." I nodded, pulling up my pants. "Are you going to be ok?"

"I'm fine." She replied brokenily. I could see the guilt all over her face. I felt like an asshole. Not that we had sex, but how it happen. Sure she was going to feel bad. I felt terrible putting her in that position.

"I can stay. We can tell him together." I said, stroking her arm. She pulled away like my touched burned her.

"No! We're not telling him anything. There's nothing to tell." She snapped, looking up at me, determined.

I looked at her, dejected. How could she deny what was between us? I know she felt it. Why did she keep fighting it?

"Racqelle-"

"Stop talking. Just go. This never happened." She ordered me, harshly.

I stood there, waiting for her to tell the truth. I stared in her eyes; they never could lie. Her eyes  stayed dark and uncaving. We stared down each other until I spoke.

"You can't lie to yourself. I tried it, trying to get over you-" I started.

"I am over you. I have Brandon! I love him! Only him. I don't want you. Get out! Now!" She yelled, fiercely.

At the mention of his name, I turned to leave. As I stepped out the door, I turned to her one last time. "I love you Ra-"

I didn't get to finish. She slammed the door in my face. As the door locked, I heard her sobs: Small and muffled behind the door. I never seen her cry before, just the sound destroyed me.

"Rocky please." I pleaded with her through the door, knocking on the wood. Soon, the sobs faded away. I still stood out there for 10 minutes, calling and texting. When she started forwarding my calls, I left.

***PRESENT***

I sat up slowly from the couch Wednesday morning. I was heading back to Austin as soon as I can get a rental car. It was too tempting to try to seek Rocky out and I knew she didn't want that. I had to respect her wishes.

I made my way to the kitchen. When I stepped into the kitchen, Trevor was embracing Lily from behind in front of the stove.

Trevor looked up and saw me, his hand suspiciously moving away from the space between the stove and the front of Lily's body. Apparently, I broke up Lily’s and Trevor’s love fest. Wasn't the first time; I gotten to the point I expected them to be attached to each other. Still disgusting, but I was happy Trevor talked to Lily. At least they were working it out.

"Good morning." Trevor grinned at me, pulling away from Lily.

"I made pancakes." Lily smiled, her face flushed.

"Smells good. Hopefully sanitary."

"No promises." Trevor said.

"Shut up Trevor. Yes, they are." She assured me, before getting us set up with pancakes and syrup.

"Are you going to eat?" Trevor asked Lily as she sat down with a glass of water.

"Yes, after I finish this." She motioned to her glass.

I snickered. "I didn't know cooking was such a work out."

"You must not be doing it right." Trevor commented.

I smiled. "How was it for you last night Lily?"

She laughed on the sip of water she was drinking. "I refused to get sucked into y'all's battle of stupidity."


After breakfast, Trevor left to go to work. I said my goodbyes to him then. Justine was out of dog food, so we were going to go to Lily's apartment before she dropped me off at Enterprise.

She cleared her throat before she began. "I talked to Ramon last night. Mama Smith and everyone is fine. There was some flooding in her house, but just water damage. Nothing major." Lily informed me.

I nodded. The radio station she had on started playing Maroon 5. Lily turned it up and I groaned.

"C'mon Lily. I've been punished enough."

"Adam Levine is not a punishment!" She exclaimed, while singing loudly about how this summer was going to hurt like a mother fucker.

How poetic. If there was wood around, I would have knocked on it.

When we got to her apartment, her roommate was sprawled out on the couch. She sat up quickly when we came in. Lily introduced us and tried to make small talk about Memorial Day. Her roommate barely gave responses before Lily gave up and went until the kitchen to grab dog food.

When Lily left, it was hostile silence, if that made sense. I could tell her roommate had a problem with me, just not sure why.

Lily returned with the dog food. On the way out, her roommate announced she would be moving out next weekend.

"Ok. Let me know if you need help." Lily said, brightly as we left. As soon as the door locked, she twisted up her face.

"I'm not helping that bitch with nothing." She declared.

I laughed. "So it wasn't just me? What's her problem?"

"Oh, you know. I'm leading on her brother by being friends with him." Lily said, flippantly.

"You slore."

Lily laughed. "Where did that come from?"

"One of those reality dating show Rocky used to love." I smiled.

Lily just nodded as we got in the car.

"That's right. I forgot your roommate is your ex's sister. No wonder it was so hostile." I said, remembering Brandon was best friends with Lily's ex.

"That's the thing; we were fine when Jake wasn't talking to me. Now that we're cordial she has a bitch fit because she thinks he has feelings for me. What sense does that make?" Lily asked as we drove off.

"I meant hostile towards me. Do you think he still has feelings for you?" I asked.

"No. Jake's a lot of things. Subtle is not one of them." Lily snorted. "I was pissed at you too, you know. I was pissed at Rocky until I realized it's none of my business. Jasmine needs to do the same. Grow up." Lily ranted.

I nodded. "I was pissed at myself. I know it was wrong. I never wanted to hurt her, but look what I did." I reflected.

"Everyone makes mistakes. It's how you move on from them that matters." Lily said, as we pulled up to Enterprise. After I rented a car, Lily gave me a hug.

"Don't be a stranger." She told me.

"I won't. Y'all need to make a trip to Austin before you start working."

"Fingers crossed. Wish me luck." She sighed.

"You don't need it." I responded.

"When I have my first paycheck to blow, we'll be down to celebrate."

"That's the spirit. I'll see you." I waved.

"Take care of yourself and each other." Lily waved back.

"Alright Jerry Springer." I smiled.

"That's what I do know. Horrible day time TV." She laughed.

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"Too late."

I got into the rented vehicle. As hard as I tried to stop myself, I thought about Rocky. I wanted to know she was ok. I know Lily said she was, but I needed to see it with my own eyes. It was torture being so close to her, but not seeing her. It made me realize how far away from her I really was, not just in distance.

Our connection tied us together. I surrendered to it. I thought our feelings would be enough. That was my first mistake. It didn't matter how close we were if she didn't want it too. Relationships were hard work. I saw that with Trevor and Lily. They've been in love with each other since they met and they still had issues. They worked them out because they wanted to be together.

There was no chance if Rocky fought against us. Maybe she was lying to herself, but Rocky was set in her decision. I knew her well enough to know she would not budge. I had no other options but to move on. As I headed back to Austin, I told myself I would.

I told myself that before. The difference between now and then was that I wasn't ignoring what Rocky and I had. I couldn't compare other women to Rocky because it wasn't fair nor did it matter when Rocky didn't want to be with me. At the same time, I knew I could never fully close the door on Rocky and me. If we ever tried again, she would have to be the one to walk through the door.

I wasn't holding my breath on that.