Grown Up Christmas List

"As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list" Grown Up Christmas List (Amy Grant Version)

After our lunch, I cut off all contact with Trevor. I just couldn't deal. It was made worse by everyone congratulating Trevor on his new opportunity. That just made me bitter. He was trying to find a way for us to work out regardless of his job, but I blew it. I flipped from extreme anger to crippling sadness; at him and myself.

Anger was easy. I finally gave into my feelings, now he didn't trust me enough to be in a relationship. I understand I should have talked to him; I beat myself up about that every day. I picture how different things would have been if I just talked to him. I was mad at myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I knew I fucked up, but why couldn't he forgive me?  That's what made me angry at him. I told him I wanted to be with him. That's what he wanted. Why wasn't that good enough now?

Those thoughts filled me with dread and sadness. If I couldn't make things ok with Trevor, I didn't know what I would do. Our entire relationship, I struggled with my feelings, the majority of the time I was worried about losing his friendship. That's what ultimately made me decided not to reveal my feelings in college and to push them away. It was depressing to lose his friendship now that we both had feelings for each other.

Trevor reached out to me, but I ignored all his attempts until he finally stopped. As depressing as it was, I couldn't face him. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't be happy for him. I couldn't even wish him a Merry Christmas knowing he was starting a new chapter in his life without me. I had to get used to him not being around, right? Even if it was temporary.

Honestly, I was terrified it wouldn't be temporary, but I tried not to think about it. I stayed on autopilot. I went to work, played with Justine, ate, worked out and repeat.

Friday broke the monotony. I texted Rachel to see if she still wanted to ride together to the Championship playoff game. When I went to text her, I realized she never responded to my apology text. I frowned and called Forrest. He didn't answer, but he text me back.

Forrest: What's up?

Me: Is Rachel mad at me from the party?

Forrest: More like embarrassed lol

Me: Not funny! She never responded to my text. What do I do?

Forrest: Wait it out. Her ego is hurt more than anything. She'll reach out when it's repaired.

I sighed but still called Rachel. She answered, and I asked her if she still wanted to ride together to the game. When she said she would be late and would see me there, I apologized again.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry about Saturday. I have no excuse but I was drunk and stupid and I'm sorry I upset you."

"It's fine. I have to go." Rachel said, before disconnecting.

I went to the game and sat in the stands alone. I was a little self-conscious, but as soon as the game started, I was too into the game to care. Darren had an amazing game. He rushed for over 100 yards and ran in 2 touchdowns, but his team's efforts fell short. They lost, 35 to 27. It was heartbreaking, seeing senior football players, students, and parents alike crying. I gave Darren a sad smile as he stood with his parents after he emerged from the locker room.

"Mr. and Mrs. Woods." I greeted them, before hugging Darren.

"I'm sorry. That was a tough loss."

He shrugged. "It's alright. I had a good game." He said, too casually. I knew he was trying to play it off, so I grinned at him.

"Good! This was supposed to be a Christmas or celebration gift depending on how the game went." I started, handing him the gift bag I brought. "So now it's both."

He looked into it and smiled. "Thank you, Miss Lily." He said, pulling out the Superman sunglasses and putting them on. The bag was full of Superman themed swag, including a throw blanket, key chain, sweatshirt, headphones, hat, and sunglasses.

I pulled out the hat and put it on his head. "Just so wherever you go to college, they recognize who they're dealing with." I smiled at him.

"You already know!" Darren laughed, giving me another hug.

I grinned. Kids were so resilient. I wished simple presents were enough for me to get over disappointments. I took a picture of him with his parents before I wished them a good night.

"Miss Lily, are you coming to eat with the team? Coach Sullivan and Miss Rachel are coming." Darren asked me.

I shook my head. Rachel didn't even try to find me at the game. I figured the night was sad enough, I'd let them have the night with their team with no awkwardness.

"No, but I'll be in touch." I told him.

We took a picture together before I left. On the way home, my phone beeped. I didn't look at it til I got home. It was from Forrest, asking where I was. I told him at home and left it at that.

I sighed to myself. I really didn't intend to upset Rachel. I was the one telling Forrest not to make the situation more uncomfortable for Rachel and in one night, I destroyed that.

When I got home, I gave Justine a bath. After the bath struggle and taking a shower myself, I went to bed.

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Saturday morning, I got up and dressed to hit the gym. I knew there was a huge chance I would see Jake, and I was looking forward to it. I wanted to hear about his dad's wedding and catch up. I was easing myself back into the world of feeling. I just wasn't ready to talk to any of my friends that wanted to discuss Trevor. Jake was perfect for that!

I put on a long sleeve Nike compression workout shirt and gray sweatpants. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and didn't even bother with make-up. I drove to the gym, and smiled when I saw Jake's SUV. I went inside and walked around looking for him. I found him with the free weights.

"Hey." I said, as I approached him from behind. When he turned to face me, I gave him a smile.

He looked me over briefly, before giving me a little nod. His lips were set in a grim line. I've seen that face often enough to know he wasn't happy to see me.

"Are you busy?" I asked him.

His response was to just gesture at the weights.

"I mean, yeah, of course you're busy. Can we talk?" I asked.

"Why?" Jake asked me. I was shocked by that answer. I didn't know why, but I knew we needed to talk now. Obviously, he was upset with me. I opened my mouth to respond, when I heard someone call his name.

"Jake, I need your help."

I turned around to see Alexis. When she saw it was me, she looked shocked, but recovered quickly with a little smile.

"Be right there." Jake said, putting down the weights. I wanted to bolt, but I stood my ground. I had no claim over Jake. Yeah, it sucked he was here with her, but I wanted to know why he was upset with me. If he didn't think being my friend was a good idea because of her, he could at least tell me so.

"Actually, can I borrow him for a minute? 5 tops." I asked Alexis, in a neutral tone.

She looked at Jake.

"Give us 2 minutes." Jake sighed, like he was exhausted with me. Now I was getting annoyed. I thought we were ok. Thinking and I weren't getting along very well recently. After Alexis left, I turned to Jake.

"Is she why you're being so rude to me?" I asked Jake.

"I'm rude? How am I being rude?" Jake responded, irritated.

"Barely responding to my text, not talking to me. If you don't wanna be friends, just say so. I'm not trying to go back and forth with you." I laid it out for him.

"Really? You're not trying to go back and forth with me? That's all you've been doing since we broke up, and I'm done with it." Jake replied.

"How have I been going back and forth with you? I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship over and over and over again. You were the one convinced you could change my mind like I didn't have one." I countered.

"You told me you didn't want to be in a relationship. You should have told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me." Jake said, angrily.

"What's the big fucking difference?" I questioned.

"I wouldn't have tried if I knew you wanted to be with Trevor!" He exclaimed.

I froze.

"I trusted you. I believed you when you said you didn't have feelings for him. I thought Sammy was lying about y'all, but you turned out to be the liar."

"Jake- I didn't know. When I was with you-"

"Don't. I heard enough Saturday. It was bad enough seeing the pictures, and the dog and the collage and all that just friend bullshit, but you had to call me too." Jake cut me off.

My stomach dropped. "I called you?"

"Yeah, you did. Asking me to come over cause I could make you forget about Trevor. He's moving right? Is that what started y'all's lover quarrel?" Jake spat.

"Jake-" I started.

"Stop. I don't care. I really don't. The answer to your question is no. I don't wanna be friends. I told you the only way we could work was by being honest. I lied by omission, but you just lied. I don't have room for people like you in my life." Jake finished.

He left me standing in front of the free weights, disgusted with myself. He was angry, but underneath that anger was pain. Pain that I never intended to cause him. The worst part was that I didn't think I could deny what he said. My feelings for Trevor never went away. Did that mean what I had with Jake was all a lie? I didn't know. My brain was a jumbled mess.

When Jake and Alexis looked in my direction, my brain finally told my body to move, and I fled. I left the gym, blinking away my tears. I was tired of crying. It accomplished nothing. I needed to get my shit together. I just didn't know how.

I took Justine out for a long walk after I got home. I had so many thoughts running through my head. We stopped in a grassy area of a park for Justine. 30 minutes later, Justine came back to me from playing in the open area. I cleaned up Justine's waste and we ran home.

Rocky texted me that evening, telling me she was heading over to Trevor's to help him pack. I ignored it, and her phone calls. In fact, I put my phone away and took a long hot bath.

Afterwards, I curled up on my couch and watched A Christmas Carol. I watched Ebenezer Scrooge at the end, enviously. Was it that easy? Did change just happen like that? I felt like I was being haunted by all my past mistakes. As much as I wanted to change and do better, I didn't know how to start. Ebenezer just woke up a changed man when he saw his future. I saw mine too: Miserable, Lonely and Alone.

Ok, maybe I was being a touch melodramatic, but if I couldn't even make things work with Trevor, who treated me so well and showed me all the time how much he cared about me, there wasn't really hope for me.

Jake didn't help matters. I felt so guilty thinking about what I put him through. He was right about one thing. The reason I was so attracted to him was the fact he was so attracted to me. Besides everything he knew, he still wanted me. He was a huge confidence booster. I didn't want to let that go. I love that he actively pursued me: before we got together and after we broke up. That was so selfish of me and I felt so shitty about it.

I went to bed and pulled out my phone. I typed all my thoughts on a memo. I read over the memo that I had just typed. It was so long, but it felt good just to get my thoughts in order. I saved the memo and fell asleep.

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Sunday morning, I was well rested and determined to start anew. I realized I wasn't going to change overnight, but my attitude about it could. I couldn't change the past or my mistakes, but I could learn from them. I planned on it.

I started with some retail therapy to finish up my Christmas shopping. Cam, Jenna and I were leaving Christmas day for California, so I wanted to deliver all my presents on my off day Tuesday. I figured Christmas gifts would be a nice first step in my change of attitude.

Christ died for our sins. That's why people celebrated Christmas right? To celebrate his birth and life. Not sure how the gifts play a part of that, but I was all for forgiveness, love, and healing. I needed all three.

I walked around the mall, seeing the crazy crowds on the last shopping weekend before Christmas. The line for Santa was so long. I smiled at the kids, longing for a time were life was so simple. A packaged toy underneath a tree made me so happy. My Christmas list was a lot more complicated now. I smiled anyway. At least I didn't have to wait for someone to bring it to me. I could make it happen myself, with some time and effort.

My last shopping outing was successful. I bought gifts for everyone that was on my list. I even found a miniature Charlie Brown Christmas Tree for Trevor's Mom when I was shopping for an ugly Christmas sweater for my work holiday party. I bought wrapping paper, tape, bows and eggnog and went home. I put on a Christmas playlist and got to work wrapping everything.

I was singing along loudly to Wham's Last Christmas, making my way through the gifts with Justine looking at me like I was crazy, when there was a knock on my door.

I looked through the peephole before opening it. It was Sammy and Rocky.

"Hey! Why didn't y'all call? You're lucky I already wrapped your gifts or I wouldn't let you in." I smiled at them.

"Trevor is leaving today. You need to come say goodbye." Sammy started.

I sighed. "It's not goodbye. Just see you later."

"If that's the case, why didn't you help out last night?" Rocky questioned.

I motioned around the room. "I've been busy."

"Well, take a break." Rocky demanded.

I nodded and pulled out Trevor's gifts and Christmas card. Inside was a handwritten note.

"Can you give this to Trevor please? Tell him I said to drive safe. No speeding." I asked, handing the gift to Sammy.

Sammy turned away from me. "I ain't UPS nor a messenger. If you have something to say to him, grow up and say it to him." She stalked to the door.

I looked at Rocky, hopefully. Rocky sighed, but took the gifts.

"I hope you know what you're doing," Rocky said, shaking her head.

"Thank you."

After they left, I focused on my breathing to calm my racing heart.

I knew exactly what I was doing. I just hoped it all worked out; that's the only thing I could do. I acted out of fear so many times: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. It got me absolutely nowhere. The number one thing on my Christmas list was courage. I needed it to start doing the right thing. I wasn't there yet. I still couldn't face Trevor, but I would get there. One step at a time.