Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

"Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now" Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Sam Smith Version)

Trevor's hands trailed up my calves, to my thighs, grazing my stomach, fondling my breasts, then up my neck before stopping their journey in my hair. The whole time he pressed soft, lazy kisses all over my face as his eyes bore into mine.

"Lily..." He breathed, a cross between a moan and a sigh. It sent a chill throughout my body and I shivered.

It wasn't just the sound of my name coming out of his mouth like a prayer that made me shake. Nor was it the cold, even though the blanket I had covering me was on the floor. It was want, desire and need making me quiver in anticipation of Trevor's next move. I watched him, my body shaking under the light caresses of his hands, willing him with my eyes to continue.

"Are you ready for your gift?" He asked me, with a teasing smile.

When I nodded, he reached to unbuckle his jeans...



I forced myself awake before my over active imagination took it too far. Apparently pizza, corny Christmas movies and wine caused powerful dreams. I didn't want that dream, so I forced myself to fully wake up.

It was bad enough I had to wait for Trevor's reaction; Fantasizing about him before I knew his response would just make things worse. Especially on my brother's couch. How embarrassing!

I blinked, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and the image of Trevor to disappear. When he was still there, I tried to think of what I knew about hallucinations. When his fingers pulled at a tangle in my hair, causing a little discomfort, I knew it was real. Dreams nor hallucinations could cause pain.

My eyes widened as I took him in. He was kneeling in front of the couch that I was laying on. It had only been 9 days, but he looked so different. His hair was growing out everywhere, on his head and his face. I could tell he was paler in the dimmed light from the hallway. His eyelids were droopy, like he was exhausted, but his eyes shone a brilliant blue.

"Merry Christmas darling." He said, in a soft tone that only enticed my already aroused body. His words, the way he was staring at me, and his tone sent tingles starting from the strands of my hair he was caressing to the top of my toes. I hoped he couldn't tell how much his three simple words affected me.

"Merry Christmas, you filthy animal." I gulped, quoting Home Alone as I sat up on the couch. I subtly pulled away from his touch before it did me in.

Trevor laughed at me, his blue eyes still gleaming. "I'm trying to have a moment with you. Hold off on the jokes."

I pulled at my tank top, nervously. His eyes watched my movement, before darting back to my face. "We're about to have a moment?" I asked.

"I hope so." He grinned at me, pulling something out of the bag he was holding.

"Merry Christmas." He said, handing me a blue dog collar. It had little charms on it. One of a bedazzled bone, one of a J, and a heart with my information on it.

"Thank you Trevor. You know how much Justine hates her collar. Maybe she'll like the bling." I smiled.

"Yeah, I doubt it if she's like her owner. I just hope y'all both make an exception." Trevor said, reaching back in his bag. He pulled out a box. I wasn't even crazy about jewelry, but my heart raced. He opened the box, to reveal a beautiful simple charm bracelet, with an '8' charm.

I smiled. "Is this a symbol of our moment? Finally, after 8 years?"

"Yes and no." Trevor responded, grabbing my hand. I watched as he put the bracelet on my wrist. "Although maybe it should be an 8 since everyone keeps bringing it up." He smiled at the bracelet once he had it clasped on my wrist.

"It's an infinity symbol Lily." Trevor corrected me as he ran his finger over the symbol. I held my breath. "I can't pinpoint when I started to love you too; it has no beginning and I don't see an end. The only question is how you want me to love you. I love you as a friend, but I can love you more than that if you let me."

I finally exhaled quietly, and said what was on my heart.

"I do want that, but I'm terrified. I'm scared of it changing us. I'm scared it won't work out. I'm scared of losing you. As much as I want to be with you, I don't know how to deal with that fear: besides getting drunk and acting stupid." I confessed.

He gave me a little smile. "I understand. I can't promise you that it won't happen. I can promise you we can try."

"Is it worth the risk? You said it yourself, caring about each other isn't enough." I questioned him.

"I did, and I meant it. We have to have trust and be able to talk to each other. You showed me that in your letter. You can keep writing to me if that's easier." Trevor suggested.

I thought about it, nodding.

"I still have 2 months in Austin. Let's at least try. We'll see if it's worth the risk and make a decision when I come back."

"Ok." I agreed. I didn't think it over or debate it. I just went with how I felt. The smile that broke out on his face was completely worth it. I smiled too.

He got up and joined me on the couch. He grabbed both my hands in his and leaned in close. I closed my eyes, leaning in too to meet him for a kiss. I let all my doubts, fears, and reservations go as I kissed him.

I tried to keep our kiss short and sweet, but when I pulled away, Trevor sucked on my bottom lip. I groaned, dying for just a little taste of him. I quickly traced my tongue over the entrance of his mouth. He moaned and it was the sexiest sound I ever heard. He kissed me back forcefully, exploring every inch of my mouth with his tongue. As our tongues danced around each other, I pressed my body against his. He broke the kiss off abruptly.

"You convinced it's worth it yet?" Trevor breathed, resting his forehead against mine.

"Partially." I panted, truthfully.

He grinned at me. "We need to stop until you're all the way there."

I smiled. "You're right, besides, I don't think my brother would appreciate it if we went any further."

"He already threatened to fuck me up 7 different ways." Trevor informed me.

I laughed. "Merry Christmas to you darling."



The next time I woke up was because of my alarm clock on my phone with Trevor's arms wrapped around me. We managed to squeeze on the couch together, with room to spare the way Trevor was holding me. I reached to turn off the alarm and Trevor immediately pulled me back to him. I turned to face him.

"I have to get up." I sighed in his neck.

"Why?" Trevor asked, sleepily.

"Plane, Justine, brother." I listed, smiling.

"You don't wanna spend Christmas in California. Justine has her potty pad, and your brother is exaggerating. He doesn't know 7 ways to beat me up." Trevor argued.

"No, not in Cali, but I do wanna see my family. Justine needs a new pad. I've seen 10 different ways, before the Air Force."

"Alright, get up." He smiled, pushing me away. I laughed and sat up.

I was ready to go by the time Jenna and Cam emerged from their room.

"So are you two together yet or what?" Cam asked, in lieu of good morning or hello.

"Good morning to you too." I answered him, sarcastically.

Cam just gave Trevor an expectant look.

"Not yet." Trevor grinned.

Cam shook his head. "I don't even wanna know."

"Then don't ask." I countered.

We loaded the bags and I let Justine play around outside before we left. Trevor drove us to the airport before he headed to Wichita Falls. Trevor and Cam talked about what's been going on at their work while Trevor's been gone. It was a little strange that things were completely the same, but completely different at the same time.

Trevor helped me bring in Justine and her kennel to get her checked in. After that, we hugged goodbye.

"I'll see you Sunday." Trevor smiled at me.

"See ya. Have a merry Christmas." I smiled back.

He kissed me on the forehead. "It already is."

My smile widen as I held him close for another moment. I turned and followed Jenna and Cam. When I turned back around, Trevor was still watching me. I waved before he was out of sight.

After going through TSA check, I waited at the gate, nervously. Surprisingly, the only thing I was worried about was Justine. I couldn't wait till we got to California and I could retrieve her.

Cam went to buy snacks and Jenna turned to me.

"I want to know, so I have to ask. What's going on with you and Trevor?" Jenna asked me.

"As my future sister in law? Not a psychologist?" I asked her.

"Future sister in law." She nodded.

"Ok."

I explained to her Trevor and my decision to try to be more than friends and make a concrete decision about being in a relationship when he came back. I also admitted my fears were stopping me from committing fully right now.

"Can I just say one thing?" Jenna started. "About fear, nothing else." She added quickly when she saw my reluctant face. I nodded, disinterestedly.

"Fear is actually a good thing. It's how we protect ourselves from threats. The problem is when bad experiences make us fearful enough to hold us back." She explained.

"How do you get past that?" I said, genuinely interested in her opinion now.

"You just have to face those fears. It's the only way to overcome them." Jenna answered.

I thought about it. It made sense, but that didn't mean I wanted to take that risk with Trevor. He was too important to me.

I thought about it during the flight. Next thing I knew, we were landing.

I hurried to go get Justine. She looked tired, but not upset or traumatized. I put on her new collar and we headed to the exit. My dad was already waiting for us.

"Why doesn't it have a tail?" My dad asked after he greeted me and congratulated Cam and Jenna on their engagement.

"She's a rescue dog, but some of her breed are born without them." I explained as we got in his car.

"Why would you rescue a dog with no tail? Why get a dog at all when you live in an apartment? They're outdoor pets." My dad continued, shaking his head.

"Because she's adorable and sweet." I answered, defensively.

"Don't talk about her dog Dad. She was a gift from her boyfriend." Cam said, as Dad started the car.

"Shut up Cam. He's not my boyfriend," I blushed.

"What did he say? Not yet?" Cam turned to smile at me.

"Same man or a different one?" My dad asked.

"Neither" I said.

"Different guy." Cam replied at the same time.

"Another man Lily? You sure are moving fast." My dad said disapprovingly.

"He's been in love with her for years now-" Cam tried to explain. I cut him off.

"Technically, if he was my boyfriend, he would be my second one in 26 years. How is that moving fast?" I argued.

"Second one in less than a year. I think you should slow down." My dad lectured.

"Dad-" Cam started. I interrupted him again.

"I'm sorry, but your point is? I don't ever recall you telling Cam to slow down. There were different girls monthly."

"He was a young man at the time." My dad said.

"I'm young too. So I'm guessing you're saying because I'm a female, it's a double standard. I listen to Beyoncé. I watched a few episodes of Girls. I'm too much of a feminist to entertain that argument." I ended the conversation.

Jenna tried to hold back her laugh and it came out as a snicker. Cam openly laughed.

"Male or female, you should hold yourself at a higher standard." My dad said, having to have the last word.

"You're right. Obviously I have daddy issues." I quipped, with a smile.

"I wanna hear about the girls. Monthly huh? How old were you Cam?" Jenna changed the subject, quickly.

"I don't remember." Cam shrugged.

"I do! He would use me as a decoy so Dad wouldn't think anything as we walked around the neighborhood. Every single time we would run into some girl that wanted to 'talk' to Cam." I said with a smile.

Jenna laughed good naturedly while Cam looked embarrassed.

"So I guess my community is not an option?" Dad asked when Jenna's laughter subsided.

"Option for what?" I smiled too.

Jenna looked at me, puzzled, then she looked at Cam. Cam took a deep breath, then turned to look at me.

"For houses. We're thinking about moving out here after we get married."

I was shocked. I nodded and looked away. I pretended like I was occupied with Justine. I stared at the presents Trevor got us. I looked over each charm on Justine necklace then the charm on my bracelet.

When we got to my dad's house, instead of taking my things in the house, I packed them in the Altima.

"Where are you going?" Cam asked me.

"Bianca's. She doesn't have a problem with Justine being inside like Dad does." I responded.

Cam sighed. "Lily, don't leave. I want to talk to you. I've wanted to talk to you, but the timing was never right."

"There's nothing to talk about, but I'll be back tonight." I lied. I had no intentions of coming back.

Cam knew it too, cause he just nodded. My dad didn't care. Christmas was not a big celebration growing up. Most of the time it was a busy time for my dad and my brother split his break from school with his mom and her side of the family. We stopped getting presents when we were old enough to shop. Santa Claus never existed, just my dad's hard work and us earning the privilege of gifts.

I left and headed to Bianca's apartment. I called her and let her know I was on my way. When I got there, I knocked once before the door flew open.

"Merry Christmas!!!" Bianca grinned at me, throwing her arms around me.

"Merry Christmas!" I responded.

"C'mon. Mom and the rest of them are waiting for us." Bianca exclaimed.

"Ok. Let me put Justine's stuff up and change really quickly." I laughed at her excitement.

30 minutes later, we were on the road. Bianca filled me in on her finals, her boyfriend and plans for the weekend.

"Saturday my dad is hosting my brother's engagement party. Please come with me." I begged her.

"All you had to say was your dad's house. You know I'm there."

"Ok." I said, relieved.

"So Friday we're taking family portraits. I have both outfits for you." Bianca said.

"Two outfits for what?" I asked.

"The portraits, since all the kids are in town. We have an appointment at 11am. My mom wants one with all of us, then just the grand kids, then each kid individual with their family. Since I have no kids, you're posing with me."

"I'm not taking any family portraits. That's weird. We're cousins, not sisters. I'm not one of your mom's kid." I debated.

Bianca didn't say anything.

When we got to her mom's house, cars filled up the street. We found a parking space two houses down and walked to my Aunt Patty's house.

"Merry Christmas!" Bianca yelled as she walked into the house.

"Merry Christmas!" Everyone returned. I followed Bianca around the room greeting everyone, all the while keeping an eye on Justine. The younger kids crowded around her. She was friendly, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't overwhelmed.

I hugged Bianca's older sister Brittany and older brother Benjamin. I greeted all the extended family as we made our way to the kitchen. Like always, Aunt Patty was at the stove.

"Hey Patty." I smiled, giving her a hug.

"Lily, how was your trip?" She smiled at me.

"Not bad." I replied.

"She said she's not taking pictures tomorrow." Bianca told on me.

"Yes you are." Patty said, with finality.

Alrighty then.

"There's someone I want you to meet." Patty said, grabbing my hand and leading me to the table. An older woman sat at the end of the table, talking to Patty's younger brother, my uncle Pete.

"This is my aunt, your great aunt Andrea. Andrea, this is-"

"Lilian, of course. You're your mother all over again. Come, sit." She instructed me. I did, giving Patty a curious look. She just nodded, encouragingly.

I sat in front of her and Pete got up and left the table.

"I'm sorry I haven't met you sooner. It's harder and harder to leave my home nowadays." She started.

"I understand. You live in Canada right?" I tried to recall all the information Patty told me about our family.

"That's right." Andrea said. Dinner was served, and I stayed seated next to Andrea.

We had a feast featuring ham. Everything was delicious, but I made sure not to get too full. My aunt made a coconut cake with pineapple filling on Christmas that was heavenly. It almost made up for missing Christmas cookies.

Andrea told me about my grandmother's childhood and family. I was enthralled by her stories and pleased that she wanted to know everything about me. I was sure Patty told her everything I did, but she listened intently.

After eating, the kids went back to playing with their toys. I got all the kids' gift cards since I didn't want to carry gifts on the plane. Bianca gave me a hooded onesie she made. She had a matching one and that's what we were wearing for our picture together. I gave her a Christmas card with money in it.

I did go shopping for my aunt. I had an ornament made for her with all her grandkids name one them. It was late, but she put it on her tree immediately. She gave me a Christmas container filled with cookies: Her famous sugar cookies, shortbread cookies with chocolate kisses in the middle, ginger snaps, and a new recipe: red velvet cookies. The recipes were also in the container on cute recipe cards.

I was closing the cookie container when Bianca noticed my bracelet.

"Oooo, that's cute." She pointed it out.

"Thanks." I blushed, thinking of Trevor.

"Who gave that to you?"

"Nobody." I said, not waiting to tell her she was right about Trevor just yet. I stepped outside in the backyard to let Justine do her business. I called Trevor while I waited.

"Hey Lily, how's your Christmas going?" He asked. I could tell he was smiling, and that made me smile too.

"Good." I sighed.

"Uh-oh. What's wrong?"

"Nothing..." I took a deep breath. "Nothing really. Just meeting new family. It always kinda makes me sad, ya know? Feels like I missed out."

"I know, but you have them now. Don't waste that time being bummed out." Trevor suggested.

"I know. I guess I was already upset. I found out Cam is thinking about moving back to California."

"Really? Why?" Trevor asked.

"I don't know..."

Trevor chuckled. "Let me guess... you didn't ask? Just got all pissed off?"

"No..." I smirked.

"Don't tell me you threw a present and gave a family member a lap dance?"

I laughed. "No, I left, thank you very much."

"Lily..." Trevor trailed off.

"I know, I know. I'm going back." I promised.

"Good." He said, before he started coughing.

"You ok?" I asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm at my granny's. I had to step outside it's so loud inside. It's colder than balls out here."

I laughed. "Then you and your balls need to get back inside. Tell your granny I said Hola!"

Trevor laughed too. "Alright. Good night Lilypad."

"Good night T-Rev."

I hung up and went back inside.
When Bianca was ready, we went back to her apartment. I left Justine with her, telling her I would be right back.

I went back to my dad's house. When I went inside, I saw that my dad had a small gathering of his friends and business associates. I said hello to everyone while Cam looked surprised that I came back.

After telling Jenna we'd be right back, Cam and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. I was looking at the Christmas displays when Cam began to explain why he wanted to move to California.

"Is it where you and Jenna wanna be?" I asked, stopping his explanation.

"It is. We want to raise our family out here."

"Then I get it. I mean, I don't understand it.  I'm gonna miss y'all, but I'm happy for you two." I told him.

He hugged me and I held on to him.

"Let's get back before Jenna thinks something's wrong." Cam said.

"I'm just gonna tell her you met up with a girl."

"Do that, I'm telling dad you have sleepovers with guys who aren't your boyfriend."

"I don't care. I'll be back in Dallas. What can he do?" I grinned.

"Don't be a jerk. It's Christmas."

I laughed. "Merry Christmas bro."

"Merry Christmas sis."