Merry Christmas Darling (Outro- Trevor's POV)

***Kinda two post today. They were split because it's two point of views. Read Intro first!***

"The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Merry Christmas, darling" Merry Christmas Darling (The Carpenter's Version)


***Trevor's POV***

"You'll never have to worry about me trying to get you to move out here again. You're lame." Bilal shook his head at me.

"I'm exhausted." I told him, rubbing the scruff that was growing on my face as I sat on my bed. One of the things I was happy about not reporting to work was the strict dress code. It never made sense. My management has a "dress for your day" policy. Most of our clients never came to the office anyway. My day consisted of building and designing applications for websites that I could do at home in jeans and a t-shirt.

That's what I was doing now in Austin: working from Bilal's spare bedroom. Cat's boyfriend Kenji had a list of specific things he wanted the website to do. Which would be fine if there wasn't a 15 hour time difference between us. It meant late nights and early mornings almost every day this week trying to figure out what he wanted. Most days I didn't change out of what I slept in; I was that tired.

I laughed as I thought about Lily calling it nerd talk. Systems, software, applications all had a different language. Codes made them talk to each other so they worked. Coding is what I do. The problem was Kenji spoke no nerd talk. Trying to interpret what he wanted and translate it into existence was a full time job. It was so much easier when it was just for fun and I did it how I wanted.

I told myself I wanted a challenge. I got one. It was worth it when Kenji or one of his partners called back loving something I did, but it wore me out. Christmas couldn't come soon enough. I needed the break.

"Don't try to put it on lack of sleep. It's lack of Lily." Bilal accused me.

I played it off, but he was right. I'd been questioning my decision ever since I told her, especially when she cried at lunch. I never wanted to be the guy that made her cry. Not when giving her what she wanted was what I wanted too.

Her anger towards me at the birthday party is what made me stick to my decision. I knew her well enough to know it was more than Amelia or the thought of me moving. I didn't know what it was, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it until she opened up to me.

That was the most frustrating part. I thought I knew everything about her. I thought she told me everything. I didn't know how to reassure her I wasn't going anywhere. Everything she's told me just made me want her more. I wanted to know everything about her: the good and the bad, her fears, her disappointments, the things that made her tick. I needed to know so I could make her happy. That's all I wanted.

That couldn't happen if she wouldn't talk to me. She refused to even tell me why she was mad. There was no way we could work out like that. That's what made me decide to pull away from her, literally.

When she didn't even show up to say goodbye, my decision didn't matter anymore. I didn't want to lose her, not when I knew she had feelings for me. I couldn't risk her moving on, even if she said she couldn't push her feelings away,

Sammy just shook her head at me when I explained what I was doing.

"You can't lose something you never had." She stated, nonchalantly.

That stopped me in my tracks. Lily told me that she wanted to be with me, that she would work on herself and that she was sorry. She never told me why: why she couldn't talk to me, why she believed a stranger before giving me a chance to explain, and why she pushed her feelings away.

So yeah, she had feelings. Maybe I would have her as a girlfriend, but without her being able to trust, depend and talk to me, what did I really have? Even if she felt like she could, I didn't see it, so I couldn't trust that she did. I didn't know how to build that trust back. Time was the best thing for both of us.

"I know, but we're taking time-" I explained, for the 100th time.

"It's been like 8 years. How much longer do y'all need?" Bilal responded, for the 100th time.

"However long it takes to get it right." I shrugged.

"You know I felt like a dumbass after I told you not to tell her how you feel, but now I don't. You're fucking this up all on your own." Bilal lectured me.

"You're still a dumbass Bilal." I grinned at him.

"You're a bigger one. You love her, she loves you. It's that easy."

"If it's that easy, why didn't you and Rocky stick together?" I questioned him.

"Why you gotta bring her into this?" Bilal questioned back.

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"Are you gonna stop moping about Lily?"

"Why you answering a question with a question?" I grinned.

"Why didn't you just answer my question?" He laughed.

"How are you so stupid?" I laughed too.

"How are you so lame? It's Christmas! Time for being merry and joyful." Bilal pointed out.

"You don't even celebrate Christmas."

"I celebrate anything that gets me paid and off work. C'mon. I found this cool channel on TV. It's just a fireplace and Christmas music."

"The Yule log? That sounds lamer than what I'm doing."

"Maybe, but you'll be doing it with us, not hanging out alone. If you feel like you made the right decision, why are you punishing yourself?" Bilal questioned.

He had a point there.

"Why are you punishing me with your face?" I joked, standing up to follow him to the living room.

"Why does your mom love my face?" Bilal came back at me with a smirk.

"Hey! Keep my mom outta this, and I'll keep this out your mom."

That started a your momma battle that ended with Noorie telling us both to shut up. A group of us hung out, drinking and listening to Christmas music on the Yule log channel. It was somewhat comforting, just enough to keep my thoughts off Lily. We exchanged small gifts around midnight. I grabbed Lily's present first to unwrap. The first box was a sad, pathetic Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I chuckled at it. I loved it, but my mom would love it more. I was re-gifting it.

The next gift was a car navigation system and a Dallas calendar. I was gonna install the navigation system as soon as possible. Trying to navigate on my phone and drive was a bad combination. I was laughing at Bilal's gift of cooking supplies for Noorie as I opened the card Lily attached. Everyone could tell Noorie was faking that she liked it.

I read the note Lily wrote me, tuning them out.

Trevor-

I feel like I have been apologizing so much lately, that it sounds like a broken record. I am sorry for not trusting you. You've shown me repeatedly how much you care about me and I see that. As much as I hate to admit it, I understand your decision to leave, even if I can't bear to see you go.

The irony of it is this is what I wanted: To push you away. I'm constantly waiting for the other foot to drop and for things to go wrong so I'll have an escape. Amelia gave me exactly what I was waiting for and I ran.

I don't want to continue to run. I don't want to push people away, especially not you. I don't want to sabotage us before we really have a chance. So I'm taking these months to work on myself alone. Don't ask me what that entails, cause I don't even know yet. The only thing I'm certain of is that I do love you.

I don't even know when I started loving you Trevor. I can't pinpoint the moment, but I know I can't make it go away. That scared me so much, my escape was to settle with being your friend. I'm still terrified and I don't know how to conquer that fear yet. I just hope you can give me a chance when I figure it out.

Love,  Lily

PS- I don't remember if I told you how proud I am of you. I am. Merry Christmas.

PPS- As proud as I am, use my gifts regularly. To remember Dallas and to find your way back. The other gift is for your mom.

I was heading to the spare room before I finished reading. I didn't have my things packed to go home yet. I was planning on getting some sleep then heading out in the morning, but I had to see Lily before she left. I found my phone while I packed.

"You better have a good reason for calling this late Trevor." Cam said, roughly.

"I do. What time are y'all leaving in the morning?" I asked, flinging clothes in a bag.

"7am." He answered.

"Thanks, I need to see Lily before y'all leave."

"She is asleep on my couch. Just call me when you get here." Cam responded.

He hung up and I finished packing before rushing out the room. I said a quick goodbye to everyone before I left.

I made it to Dallas a little before 4. I called Cam and he came to let me in.

"Do I need to give you the speech?" Cam asked me.

"Birds and the bees?" I joked.

He gave me a look that was murderous.

"I will fuck you up 7 different ways if you hurt her." He threatened me.

"I know, and you know how much I care about her. I would never hurt her, even if I was curious about those 7 different ways."

He nodded. "Just needed to hear it. Fuck up and you'll find out."

"Did you pack my gift for her?" I asked.

"Yeah, be right back."

After he brought me the gift bag, he went back to his room. I joined Lily in the living room. She was still asleep, even though Justine was awake. Justine made her way over to me and I petted her until she laid back down. I then focused on Lily. All but her face was buried under the covers. She looked so peaceful. I ran my fingers through her hair. She readjusted under the covers so I kept it up, stroking her hair until her eyes finally opened.

She blinked at me a few times before focusing on my face. When she did, her eyes widened in surprise.

Geez, she was beautiful.

"Merry Christmas darling." I said, softly.