Habits

"Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind

Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you" Habits by Tove Lo

Friday night, I came home from a run, knowing the apartment would be empty. Sammy already informed me that she was closing at Dave & Buster's. After showering, I grabbed my phone. I needed something to do to keep myself occupied and not think about Jake.

I kept waiting for the day I would wake up and be over it. I was getting increasingly frustrated with myself. I know Ethan and I were never serious, but I truly felt my feelings for him were real. When he decided we shouldn't be together, I accepted it. It hurt, but I got over it. I was ready fairly quickly to be Ethan's friend. I wanted the same with Jake.

I grabbed my phone and called Trevor. Trevor was my first choice hangout buddy. We had so much fun together. Even doing nothing.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked him when he picked up.

"Packing. About to head to Austin." Trevor answered.

"Again? You're not going to the fair with us? When are you coming back? " I exclaimed. I couldn't help but think of the girl that tagged him and Bilal in a picture on Facebook...

"I'll be back Sunday. I'll catch the fair next year." Trevor replied.

"Ok..." I said, disappointed. Sammy, Corey, Rocky, Brandon, Rachel and Forrest were all going to the fair. Even though Trevor never said he would, I assumed he was going with us. Now I would be the 7th wheel.

"Are you ok? Do you need me to stay?" He asked.

I sighed. He was so sweet to offer, but I needed to get over myself. I was supposed to be a strong, independent woman. No guy defined me nor my happiness. Besides, Trevor had plans. He didn't need to drop them for me.

"No Trevor. I'm good. Have fun. She better be worth it!" I said, finally.

"Who?"

"The girl you keep going to Austin for!"

"Why do you think it's a girl?"

"Because I know you T-Rev."

"Not well enough Lilypad. Talk to you soon."

"Alright, bye." I hung up and called Rocky next as I raided the fridge.

"Hey, girl. What's up?" She answered the phone.

"Nothing much. Bored. I need something to do tonight." I informed her. I didn't see anything I wanted to eat in the refrigerator, so I pulled down a box of frosted flakes from the pantry.

"Have you talked to Amber? I think she and Gigi were taking the kids to a pumpkin patch." Rocky suggested.

"Uhh, I don't know. I have little patience to play nice with Will-"

"He's not going. He's having a guy night with Ethan." Rocky corrected me as I poured the cereal and milk in a bowl.

A hay ride with kids sounded like more fun than that...

"I still don't wanna go to a pumpkin patch. What are you doing?" I asked her, sitting down to eat my cereal.

"Remember how we were setting up Malik and Jackie?"

"Oh, right!" I said. I completely forgot about it til she reminded me...

"Well, Reggie is DJing a club in Dallas. Everyone is going so it seems like the perfect opportunity to have them meet in person." Rocky continued.

My heart sped up in anticipation. "Is Jake going?"

I would be shocked if he wasn't. Reggie was his girlfriend's sister. Malik was his friend. Why wouldn't he?

Rocky sighed. "Yes..."

I was mental going through my closet, trying to figure out what I should wear, when Rocky said, "I want to invite you, but it's probably best if you didn't come." Rocky said, bluntly.

"Why?" I asked, surprised. I actually wanted to see Jake. Maybe it would be awkward, but at least I'd be able to feel out the mood between us and see if we could be friends.

"Brandon knows Jake doesn't want to see you. Normally I would tell them both to go fuck themselves, but tonight is for Malik and Jackie. I think he might be good for her. I don't want any drama getting in the way of that." Rocky explained.

"Fine. Have fun." I said, sharply.

"I'll see you tomorrow Lily. We'll plan another girl's night-"

I hung up, pretending I didn't hear her. I poured the rest of my cereal in the sink.

Of course he didn't wanna see me!  He was moving on. That's what I wanted; I told him that much when I broke up with him. My stomach felt sick as I thought about him being happy with someone else. I couldn't even imagine being with anyone right now. I was still torn up about our breakup. I grabbed my phone and called Sammy's number. Crazy as she was, she would know how to spin this so I wouldn't care.

When she didn't answer, I pulled up my Facebook. I knew I hid Jake from my news feed, but now I needed to see his recent status to get some idea if he was just supporting friends or was going out to meet new women. I went to my friend list and searched Jake's name. I frowned when I did not see him. Did he unfriended me? I searched his name. I didn't find it that way either. What the fuck? Did he delete his profile?

Sammy called me back, interrupting my search.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm coming up there. I can't stay here anymore by myself. I'm driving myself crazy."

"Hold on. What's going on?" She asked.

"Rocky is setting up Jackie and Malik and Jake is going to be there. He doesn't want me there. Probably cause he wants to meet other women..." I moaned.

"So? You should feel bad for whoever falls for his shit." Sammy said.

"What do you think of his last Facebook status?" I asked her.

"One second." She said. A couple moments later, she responded. "Who cares about that? Why are you worried about what he did to his car? Fuck him!" Sammy declared.

"I can't see his statuses. He blocked me." I said, dejectedly.

"I'm gonna be home soon. Go in the kitchen and get my bottle of SoCo. Take a shot and make a list of everything you hate about Jake. I mean everything!"

I nodded. "Ok."

I got off the phone and did what she asked. I took 5 shots as I composed the list.

1. 　Secretive about his past.
2. 　Hypocrisy of demanding the truth from me
3. 　Jealousy about any guy!
4. 　Major trust issues that he made me feel were my fault
5. 　Confrontational about every little thing I did wrong
6. 　Admitted he was testing my feelings for him
7. 　Control Freak
8. 　Sexual freak

I giggled as I debated the last one. Ok, I didn't hate it when he was a freak with me, but I knew he would moving on with a random skank sooner or later. So yeah, I hated that about him.

I added another one and took another shot,

9.     Manwhore!!!

I took one more shot and continued.

10.   Charming bullshit from sexy lips
11.   Stupid perfect body
12.   Fucking Dimple!!!

When I started to feel the shots hit me, I put the list away. I pulled back up my Facebook. I posted all the pictures of me, Sammy, Lamar and Patrick at the party. I didn't before because I didn't wanna play Sammy's game of trying to be the "winner" of the break up. Jake couldn't see my page anyway, so fuck it! I also posted the video of EJ rocking out on the drums. I just forgot to post it the day before. I tagged Ethan and Megan in it.

I traded the SoCo for Moscato before I proceeded to delete every photo with Jake in it. I didn't wanna be spiteful or look like I regretted our time together, but if Jake wanted to erase me from his life, I could do the same thing. I changed my profile pick from the trip to Vegas to one that Lamar took of me at the rooftop bar. The Dallas skyline was the background and I was posing for the camera with my hand on my hip and a little smile on my face. I looked carefree, happy, independent, ready to take on anything.

I saw I had new notifications on my page already. I had comments and likes on my pictures. I saw Megan commented on the video of EJ.

Megan: I've been wondering why he has been beating on everything recently.

I commented right away,

Me: Practice! He has natural rhythm! He's the next Justin Bieber!

Megan: Ahhh!!! =-O I'm locking him in his room as we speak.

Me: lol, not present day Bieber. Young Bieber #NeverSayNever

Megan: I can say I've never seen the movie

Me: Me neither! I just saw a clip. He was drumming at like 2.

Megan: it's ok if you're a Belieber!  #AsLongAsYouLoveMe

I laughed and we went back and forth a little more, quoting Justin Bieber quotes and lyrics. It was actually fun chatting with her. I looked at the half empty bottle of wine. Maybe I should slow down...

I was surprised when Sammy made it home around 11pm. The bar wasn't even closed yet.

"Sammy!" I cheered from the couch, enthusiastically.

"Get up! We gotta move!!!" Sammy grinned at me.

"Huh?" I asked, stretching out on the couch where I was laying. I was soooo comfortable.

"I texted Jackie. I know where there at. Get dressed. We're crashing." Sammy explained.

"No way. Have some wine. Let's read my list!" I said. Where the fuck did I put it?

"Grab your list. Bring it with you. You can read it to him." Sammy said, pulling me up from the couch.

I groaned and stood. I followed her up the stairs. I went to my room and looked at my closet. I took a step towards it before flopping on my bed.

Fuck Jake. If he was over me, I was ten times over him. The only time I would spend on him was to forget about him.

I fell asleep with that thought in my head.



The next morning, I woke up, with a splitting headache. I downed ibuprofen and hopped into the shower. We weren't meeting at the DART rail station into 11am, but I wanted to look amazing. I wasn't going to be any one's 7th wheel. I was going to be single, independent, fun loving and freaking hot! At least, that what my appearance was going to reflect. After a few beers, I was sure my personality would match.

After showering, I straightened my hair and put it in a top knot. I pulled on a pair of black and cream patterned leggings, a red tank top, and an light oversized cream cardigan. A did my make up lightly, put on large sunglasses and my red Converse and was ready to go.

I slid my phone and my wallet in my small purse and headed to Sammy's room. I contemplated checking Facebook to see if there were any photos from last night, but I fought the urge and knocked on Sammy door.

Fuck Jake. Don't think about him...

When she told me to come in, I did. She was sitting on her bed, in a jean short skirt and a tight black long sleeve shirt. She looked me over.

"You look all dressed up." Sammy said, returning to her phone.

I smiled at her. "I try. Is Corey still driving?"

Sammy nodded.

"C'mon. Let's go pre-game it then" I said, enthusiastically.

"Didn't you have enough last night?" She snorted.

I laughed. "Apparently. C'Mon!"

We went downstairs and took a shot before Sammy turned to me.

"You wanna know about last night at all?" She asked.

"You didn't go, did you!?!"

She shook her head. "No, but Jackie told me everything."

I kept my face neutral at the way she said everything.

"Don't care." I lied.

"What?"

"That's right. Don't care. Only thing I care about today is eating nothing but fried food and riding rides." I said, hoping I sounded as confident as I was trying to pretend to be. Sammy grinned at me.

"Sounds like a plan!"

"Then we'll get back to a healthy lifestyle." I added.

"Sure." Sammy said, before we clinked glasses and downed a shot.

Corey picked us up right on time and we headed to the Rail station. It would drop us off right in front of Fair Park and we wouldn't have to worry about parking. Even better, it connected with the TRE, the train station in Fort Worth. Rachel and I coordinated our trips so they would be boarding our train to the fair. When I got there, I was shocked to see Malik and Jackie with Brandon and Rocky.

What. The. Fuck. 

Malik must have read the shock on my face, cause he just gave me a grin. I greeted everyone before I trailed Corey to buy tickets.

"Urgh, fuck my life right now." I groaned on the way.

"What's up?" Corey asked.

"I get to be 9th wheel. One of the couples is my ex's friend. It was my ideas to set them up." I explained.

Corey laughed. "Your life is like a tragic comedy."

I smiled. "Who are you telling?"

"Just hang out with Sammy and me. I already told you we're just friends." Corey offered, pushing buttons on the ticket machine.

"Why is that?" I asked. "Is that what you want?"

"Yes, cause every guy wants to be in the friend zone." He answered, sarcastically. When I gave him a look, he continued. "I like her but she has guards up. It's like a fortress, outside of a maze. Then once you get pass the maze, there's a moat and a dragon and-"

"I get it." I cut him off.

"No, not yet. You didn't let me get to the robotic guard dogs or the reset button that makes you go all the way back to start." Corey finished. He handed me a ticket.

"Thank you. I have nothing but free time now. It would be my pleasure to help you past her guards. Apparently, I'm a matchmaker now." I told him.

Corey smiled as we headed back. We huddled next to Sammy until the train came. Everyone sat in pairs. Rocky offered to sit next to me, but I purposely kept walking a whole section away from her. I found a window seat in the last car and sat, waiting for the train to take off. Sammy and Corey joined me in that section.

The train had made three stops when Malik decided to move to sit by me. I stared at him, expectantly.

"Hey. Good to see you." He said, causal.

"This is fucking weird." I said, crossing my arms.

"I know, but Jackie and I hit it off-"

"What? Did y'all fuck already?" I interrogated him.

Malik shook his head with a little smile . "I don't recall you being so blunt."

"Don't recall anything. That pathetic person you met is nothing like the real me." I informed him.

"That's a shame. Jake is still in love with that person." Malik said.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him my new mantra, "Fuck Jake." when the train stopped again and he went back to his seat by Jackie.

"What was that about?" Sammy asked me.

"Absolutely nothing." I answered.

After seeing we were a few stops away from the meeting point for the TRE, I texted Rachel we were in the last car. She texted me back ok.

 When we connected, I saw Forrest immediately as he boarded the train and waved him over. I was pleasantly surprised to see Blake with them. He looked cute in a gray Cowboys t-shirt and jeans.

I stood up and gave Rachel a hug, and Forrest a wave. I gave Blake a smile.

"I didn't know you were coming." I said as I sat down. I was so glad when he sat down next to me.

"I was a surprise. A good one, I hope." He smiled at me.

"Would be better if you weren't wearing that shirt." I kidded, playfully. I knew how defensive he was about his Cowboys.

"Hater. Did you see that blowout against Seattle last week?" He asked me.

"Blowout? Y'all won by 7." I exclaimed.

"Yeah, but we basically gave them 14." He shrugged.

"Geez, cowboy fans. Even when y'all win y'all have excuses."

"Yeah? What's the Niners excuse this year?" He asked.

"Still beat the cowboys so-" I finished my statement by sticking out my tongue.

"Nice tongue." He grinned.

"Thank you. No complaints." I threw back.

He just smiled.

By the time we got to the fair, I was so excited. After introductions were made at the main gate while we waited to buy tickets, I pulled Forrest aside.

"Thank you for inviting Blake."

"I didn't." He answered shortly, "Rachel did."

"Well, regardless, thanks. So glad I don't have to be the odd man out."

He opened his mouth to respond, but Rachel called him over. After we purchased tickets and coupons, we made our way into the fair. It was super crowded, so Rocky decided we should make our way to the back and work our way back to the front, so that's what we did. Forrest mapped out all the food we talked about trying, so we hit those booths first.

Being from Louisiana, Forrest wanted to try the fried crab boil. After one bite, I knew why it was the big taste winner. The combination of shrimp, potatoes and lemon all fried up was amazing. It was Brandon, Forrest and Rocky's favorite. Mine was the Sriracha Balls. Chicken, veggies and sriracha rolled up in crushed tortilla chips, then dipped in sriracha! They were addictive. I felt like someone invented them with me in mind.

"Yes, cause they knew how much you liked spicy balls." Blake grinned at me. I cracked up laughing before I could take another bite.

"Yep. I can never just have one spicy ball." I laughed.

Rocky and I shared chicken fried loaded baked potato and I ended up giving my Fried Texas Pie to Forrest. Pecan pie, peach cobbler and buttermilk pie fried and served with ice cream was just too much. I could feel my teeth rotting and my butt widening with just one bite.

Everyone tried Funnel Cake beer. I laughed when Blake grimaced at the taste.

"Are you a beer drinker?" I asked him.

"Yes, that's why I can't drink this. All I taste is sugar."

"There is powdered sugar around the rim." I teased.

"Lick it off for me." He said, holding the cup to my mouth. I grinned and licked off a small section. He drank afterwards.

"I think it got sweeter." He winked at me.

I giggled. Before I could think of anything smart to say, Rocky asked to borrow me, pulling me away.

"What are you doing?" She asked me.

"Hanging out at the fair. What does it look like?" I asked.

"With that Blake kid. Don't do anything just because you're upset about Jake-"

"I'm not even thinking about Jake!" I protested. I wasn't. Beer and Blake were taking care of that...

Rocky sighed. "Just stop and think things through-"

"I am. I'm single. I can do what I want. Jake is not thinking about me, so I'm not thinking about him either." I said, before I finished my beer and headed back to the group.

Blake offered me his beer. "You want the rest?"

"I do." I smiled at him as I took it.

After finishing our beers, we headed to the Midway. I had so much fun with Blake. He was down for whatever I wanted to do. We rode rides together and he just laughed at me when I squealed in excitement or fear. Trevor would have joined in, but Blake wasn't a bad substitute. We got on Alpine Bob's together. We sat down and waited for the ride to fill up. Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" came on as we waited. I danced in my seat and sang along.

He just put his arm around me before the ride finally took off.

When it stopped, I saw Sammy and Corey waiting for us. We made our way out the ride and over to them.

"Everyone is meeting at the Ferris wheel." Sammy told me.

I nodded.

Sammy grabbed my arm and let the guys lead us.

"What's going on with you and Blake?" She asked, excitedly.

"Nothing."

"Y'all look super comfortable. His hand was on your boob."

"No it wasn't and if it was, it was an accident. The ride pressed us together."

"Sure..." Sammy said, her voice full of disbelief.

We met up with everyone, so i couldn't deny it any longer.

Paired up, we all rode the Ferris Wheel together. When we got to the very top, Blake and I took a selfie. We got Fletcher's corn dogs, cotton candy and candy apples as we headed to the front. We posed around Big Tex before we headed to the DART station.

"This was so much fun." I smiled to Blake as we sat, waiting for the train.

"It doesn't have to end. Head to Fort Worth with us." He invited me.

"What did y'all have planned?"

"Nothing, but I wasn't planning on going to the fair. Sometimes the best plans are the spontaneous ones." Blake smiled at me.

I smiled back. "Ok. I'm down."