Confession

"I light up the night and let it burn
Lean back and watch the sundown fade
Do what I do and life's a little sideways
I take a sip and say a prayer
Wait for the shooting star and stare
Off at the headlights on the highway
That guy in the windshield looking back looks just like me
But there's a crack in the reflection
This is just a moonlight soaked, ring of smoke, right hand on a cold one confession" Confession by Florida Georgia  Line

I extended the invitation to everyone about hanging in Fort Worth. Sammy and Corey immediately agreed to join us. Forrest agreed too while Rachel nodded in agreement. Rocky claimed exhaustion and Brandon had to work in the morning, so they declined. Jackie wanted to, but her daughter would be back home from a friend's house, since Malik was her ride, he was leaving too.

As our group got off the DART, Rocky called out to me. "Make smart decisions."

I responded by sticking my tongue out and making devil's horns at her. Rocky shook her head and I smiled before getting of the train.

"So what's the plan? Or are we doing the whole best laid plans are spontaneous route?" Forrest asked Blake.

Blake gave him a look that said shut up. "I was thinking the Stockyards. Ever been?" He questioned me.

"Never. Forrest told me about it though. A true western experience right?" I replied.

"That's right. I'm going to turn you into a cowgirl tonight." Blake smiled at me.

I smiled too.

"Let's go check out the train schedule." Forrest said to Blake.

"I'll join y'all. I need to check when the last train heads back to Dallas." Corey said, joining them.

"Cowgirl huh? My favorite position." Sammy commented, as soon as the boys left.

"Ohmygosh. Stop! There is nothing going on." I said, nudging her.

"Yet." Rachel added. "I'm sensing a connection..."

"There's no connection. I don't even know him." I pointed out.

"Even more reason to get to know him better." Sammy said, wiggling her eyebrows. "The best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else."

"Gross Sammy." I said, while Rachel laughed. "Speaking of getting over someone, are you over Trevor?"

"Why do you ask?" Sammy replied.

"Because Corey feels like you friend zoned him." I said.

"I'm just not rushing things. You know how I am. Just taking my time with him, nothing more."

"You should tell him that." I told Sammy. The guys returned before she could respond. The train arrived and we boarded it. On the ride to Fort Worth, Blake asked me if I liked country music.

"Of course. I love Taylor Swift!"

He groaned. "She is not country."

I laughed. "Fine. Not really, but I haven't had much exposure to it."

"The bar we're going to is a great introduction." Blake told me.

"I'm so ready." I said.

We rode over to Billy Bob's in Fort Worth in Blake's truck. It advertised itself as the biggest honky-tonk club in the world. I believed it. There was an indoor rodeo arena, a separate restaurant area, on top of being a club with multiple bar stations, a dance floor, a stage for concerts, pool tables and arcade games.

There was a concert going on by an artist that even Blake had never heard of. We found a bar near the pool tables and arcade games. Forrest ordered a round of Shiners and Blake ordered us whiskey shots, Wild Turkey to be specific. It burned, but was child's play compared to Jose's moonshine... I drank Forrest's shot after he turned it down, trying to push away the thought of Jake and the memory of how his lips tasted after he drank his dad's homemade whiskey. It worked. Barely.

After our shots, we grabbed our beers and Blake took us around the club. We stopped at the gift shop so Sammy and I could buy cowboy hats. If I would have known we were coming, I would have worn the cowboy boots Trevor bought me. I figured the hat would do for now. We took pictures by a prop bull and then walked the Wall of Fame with celebrity hand prints. Blake promised to educate me on country music and dancing really soon.

"Some Thursdays, they have free dance lessons. You should come with me the next time they do." Blake mentioned.

"Do they teach twerking?" I asked, with a grin.

"No. Line dancing, but I don't mind you learning that too." Blake flirted with me.

"Perfecting you mean." I teased him back.

"Yes ma'am." He said.

"Twerking is definitely more my style." Corey joked.

"I'm sure it is. He gets his pick up lines from Hip hop songs." Sammy said.

"How does that work for you?" I asked him.

"It's hit or miss. Mostly miss." Corey shrugged, with good humored smile.

I laughed at him.

"I don't understand that about girls. Y'all listen to the worst music on the radio, but if a guy tries to talk to you like that, you get all pissed off." Blake said, shaking his head.

"Because as women, we can disrespect ourselves and each other, but a man can't." Rachel answered, matter of factly.

"That's messed up." Blake said.

I laughed. "It's like the n- word or any racial slurs or defamatory speech. It's only acceptable if the group being targeted is using it." I added on, sarcastically.

"That makes no sense." Blake said.

"Exactly." Rachel and I laughed together.

Blake put his arm around my waist and laughed too.

"A pool table just opened up. Let's go play." Forrest pointed out, quickly.

"You suck at pool." Blake told Forrest.

"Ok... Let's go." Forrest repeated, plainly.

We made our way over and played a game. The first round was partners. Then the guys played while the girls watch. Forrest was ok, but he did suck compared to Blake. He was extremely good. I was definitely impressed. He made sure I was watching every time he made a trick shot. Corey wasn't as cocky, but he kept up with Blake. Forrest let them face off together.

Sammy wanted to order more drinks at the bar, so I went with her after getting the guys orders. Rachel stayed with Forrest.

While we waited, Sammy checked her phone. I was so close to pulling mine out to check and see if Jake still had me blocked, but I didn't. After waiting and finally getting the bartender's attention and ordering the drinks, Forrest made his way over.

"Hey! Y'all need some help?" He asked.

"No, it just took forever to order the drinks. We got it." I told him.

"You're not really going to go on a date with Blake, are you?" Forrest asked, abruptly.

"Um, I don't remember him asking me on a date or me saying yes. " I said, truly confused.

"The dance lessons. The let's just hang out routine. That's kinda his M.O. when it comes with girls. Until he sleeps with them and gets bored or moves on." Forrest informed me.

Sammy gave me a little look. "Y'all got the drinks? I'm going to find the restroom." She said, before leaving.

"If that's his M.O., that's his business. It really has nothing to do with me." I said.

"It does. I think Rachel is trying to set y'all up." Forrest informed me.

"Ok... and you gave him my number. What's the big deal?"

"I never gave him your number!" Forrest denied. "Why would I do that? This is the first time you have both been single."

"How did he get it?" I asked, confused.

Forrest sighed. "I don't know..."

"Don't worry about it. It's fun hanging out with Blake and all of you really because it takes my mind of Jake. I'm nowhere near over him and I don't know when I'm going to be. I don't wanna add anyone to that confusion." I told him honestly.

Forrest nodded and the drinks were finally ready. We carried them over. After delivering the drinks,  I downed mine quickly. The whole confession about not being over Jake was killing my buzz. I needed it back.

"Atta girl. You already got the drinking part down. You're on your way to being a true cowgirl." Blake winked at me.

"Yeehaw!" I cheered, putting my finished drink down. I then excused myself and made my way to the restroom to find Sammy. I found her in the back hallway to the bathroom, texting on her phone.

"Hey you!" I said, loudly, grinning wildly. The drink was already taking affect.

"Fuck!" She exclaimed, looking up from her phone, startled. "What is wrong with you?"

"Can't help it. I'm a ninja." I smiled, wrapping her up in a hug. She put her phone away and hugged me back.

"What was up with Forrest? Was he jealous of Blake?" She asked, pulling away.

"No! He was just looking out for me."

Sammy gave me a smirk.

"Stop. Not all guys are assholes. Some of them are decent, like Corey." I said.

She rolled her eyes.

"And Forrest has Rachel. She's Perfect. I would be a downgrade." I smiled.

Sammy sighed. "That's not true and even if it was, for every beautiful girl out there, there is a man tired of fucking her."

I gasped. "Ohmygod Sammy. Where do you come up with this stuff?" I laughed.

"It's the truth." She said, as we headed back to the group. "And FYI, Blake was asking you out. He was trying to cop a feel on your ass and tits, and he wants to fuck you. Right now if you'd let him."

"It's like you said, my heart is in my vagina. Jake still has both." I confessed.

"Lily..." She groaned.

"I can't help it. I tried the list, it made me think about the good times too! The fun times, and the sexy times."

"Have you ever thought that if you gave your vagina and sexy times to someone else, your heart would follow?" Sammy suggested.

"No. I tried that before, in California. It made thing worse."

"Well, he must have done something wrong. Blake seems more than experienced."

"Apparently he is." I laughed, thinking of Forrest's speech.

We hung out for a little longer before we had to leave to catch the train. I gave Rachel a hug before we left. I just waved bye to Forrest. I normally hugged him, but I decided to pull back on hugging taken men.

"I'll text you soon about hanging out." Blake told me as I hugged him when he dropped us off at the station. I chuckled as I remembered his M.O.

"Sounds good." I said, before hopping out.

We rushed to make the train.

"So, did you decide to give up your vagina?" Sammy grinned at me.

I smiled. "No, I'm getting my vagina back!" I declared.

"Is it weird that I'm kinda turned on by this conversation?" Corey chuckled.

We all laughed at him.


I woke up Sunday morning, not as hung over as I felt the day before. I still had no intentions of leaving my bed. The ringing of my phone woke me up.  I looked at it and answered it when I saw it was Jenna.

"Hey Lily, I'm sorry to bother you so early. Can you do me a huge favor?" She asked.

"Sure. What do you need?" I croaked.

"The recipe for the hashbrown dish your aunt made. I wanted to make brunch this Sunday." Jeanna explained.

"Sure. Do you want some help?" I offered.

"I would love some help!" She said, cheerfully.

"Ok. Give me 30 minutes." I said, getting up. I was barely out of bed when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in." I called.

I was surprised to see Corey standing in the doorway. I threw the covers back over my bare legs. I came home with the energy to just peel off my cardigan and leggings. I slept in my tank and panties.

"Sorry..." Corey blushed. "I thought I heard you up. I have to work today, and Sammy sleeps hard..."

"No problem. I'll be there in a second." I said, calmly. It really wasn't a big deal. He wasn't trying to catch me off guard. I knew he spent the night, I should have asked.

When he left, I got up and slid on a pair of basketball pants. I went down the stairs to let him out. I found him in the den, looking over the drum set.

"Who plays the drums?" He asked.

"No one yet. My friend's son likes playing on them." I explained.

"How old?"

"7"

"That's a good age."

"Justin Bieber started at 2." I commented.

He snorted. "Sure. I started at 9."

"You play?" I said, excitedly.

He gave me a little demonstration.  He played. He played amazingly.

"Do you give lessons?" I asked.

"Not on drums, but I could." He said.

"Ok. I''ll get back to you on that." I said, before letting him out. After showering and changing, I went to my brother and Jenna's apartment.

"Lily! Come in." Jenna smiled, moving over to let me in.

"Good morning Jenna. Thanks for having me."

"Thank you for coming!" She said.

I pulled up the recipe and we went into the kitchen. She told me Cam went for a run. I asked her about the menu for the day.

"I have sliced ham, french toast, ambrosia salad, then the quiche." Jenna informed me. "And...." She stared, pulling out a bottle of Prosecco. "Bellinis"

"Is it too early to start drinking?"

"Probably" Jenna said, while she opened the bottle anyway.

Drinks in hand, we started cooking.

"So how are things?" She asked me.

"Uhhh..." I said, dumbly. I couldn't decide if I wanted to lie or tell the truth. "It varies."

"Sounds about right." She nodded.

"Yeah? Cause I feel like a crazy person." I admitted.

"I think conflicting emotions are realistic. You still care about the person, but if the relationship was broken beyond repair there's no point in staying in the relationship." She said.

"I guess it was. At least, for me it was." I agreed.

"Not for him?" She asked, confused.

"He said he could fix it, but I didn't trust myself not to fall back into the same pattern." I clarified, without going into too many details.

"Why don't you trust yourself?" She asked me.

"Because I keep falling for guys who are not... I guess, equipped or ready to be in relationships, like Trevor, then Ethan and then Jake." I said. "I just put up with whatever they're willing to offer. I see that now, I just don't know how to change it."

"I very much believe we attract what we think we deserve. That's our comfort level. How we see ourselves plays a big part in that." Jenna told me.

I scoffed. "Are you shrinking me? Cause I just wanna talk."

"I'm not. If I was shrinking you, I would ask you about your mom. The same sex parent is a major role model and influences what you think about yourself. Then we could get into your dad, he's the one who taught you how a man should treat a woman." Jenna recited, like she was reading the instructions on a recipe instead of ripping my heart apart. Each statement brought tears to my eyes. I was too stubborn to let them fall.

"But I'm not your shrink. I consider you family-"

"You're not family yet." I said, bitterly.

"I know. That doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm talking to you how I would talk to one of my sisters. You have too much going for yourself to keep getting in your own way-"

"Jenna, Did yo- Oh, hey sis." Cam said, as he entered the kitchen and saw me. He took a moment to notice the mood.

"Hey bro." I said, cheerfully, before finishing my drink.

"What's going on?" He asked me. Jenna watched me too.

"Nothing. Just cooking." I said.

Cam gave Jenna a look. "I'll help."

We finished cooking and ate together. I chatted about work, the fair, Fort Worth, Trevor, anything to keep my thoughts happy and pleasant. I wanted to drink, but I planned to drive home as soon as we finished eating. I did just that, telling my brother I had plans. I gave him a hug and left.

When I got home, I grabbed my phone and went to bed. I checked my messages. I had a few from my friends but I skipped to the one Blake sent me.

Blake: Gonna come over and watch the game?

I texted him back.

Me: No. Think I'm gonna just hang in bed.

Blake: Listen to this while you do.

He sent me a link to country playlist. I put it on and checked the rest of my messages. I should have stuck to my original plan of staying in bed. I sighed as Jenna's words replayed in my head. I pulled my phone back out.

Me: Wanna hang with me?