Clarity

"If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?" Clarity by Zedd ft Foxes

Wednesday at work, I received an email invitation to Derek, Christy and Steven's Bon Voyage party at a seafood restaurant called Pappadeaux. A private room was rented and everyone was allowed a plus one. I immediately forwarded it to Jake.

I made the subject: 'Wanna be my plus one?"

He didn't respond by lunch. Nor by the time I got off. I understood him being busy and not having time to answer right away, but this was a new trend for him: taking longer and longer to respond to me. I wasn't liking it very much...

After I got off work, I headed to Rocky's house. Rocky brought me all of my things from Labor Day from her house except for the shoes Jake bought me. She didn't know I left them in the guest room. I wanted them so I could be a pro at walking in them by Vegas. While wearing something tight and revealing for Jake.

I groaned when I saw Ethan's truck in the front. A part of me wanted to keep driving, but I had to face the music sooner or later. Might as well get it over with.

I took a deep breath as I knocked on the door. Brandon answered the door. He gave me a look I couldn't decipher.

"Hey. Is Rocky home?" I asked.

"Nope. Working late." Brandon answered.

"Ok. I just need the shoes I left over here the other night." He didn't say anything, he just let me pass.

I walked through and headed straight to the guest room. I grabbed my shoe box. Technically, I coulda grabbed them and ran out, but that would be even more awkward the next time I saw Ethan and I wanted to say hi to EJ. So I headed to the living room.

"Hey Ethan, Hey EJ!" I said, smiling at both of them.

"Hey Lily." EJ said.

"Hey." Ethan greeted me.

"How's school going? Did you have homework?" I asked EJ.

He made a face. "Yes. Word problems. I hate math."

"The more you do them the easier it gets." I said.

He scowled. "My dad and my teacher said that already."

"Cause it's true. Keep practicing." I said, ruffling his hair. I looked over at Ethan. "Can I borrow you for a second?" I asked.

"Sure." Ethan said, standing. Brandon just shook his head. Urgh, I was over his attitude.

"Bye EJ. Bye Brandon!" I said, cheerfully, like I was so excited to be leaving Brandon's presence. Cause I was!

"I just wanted to apologize for the weirdness and drama on Labor Day. I wasn't expecting any of that to happen." I said, as we walked to my car.

"That's ok. It wasn't your fault." Ethan said.

"It was. Partially at least. Mostly Crown Royal's fault, but I can't blame alcohol for everything." I said, lightly.

"I think Rocky can." Ethan said.

"Yeah, most definitely." I replied

"So what are you taking the blame for?" Ethan asked.

I took a moment to think about how I wanted to answer that.

"Mostly for the whole way I handled everything. Our friendship. My relationship with Jake. If I would have been more careful about it, I could have them both."

"What does that mean?" Ethan said, staring into my eyes. I stared right back.

"It means that right now, I have to focus on my relationship with Jake and that means taking a step away from this friendship we've been honing in on." I explained.

"Ok..." Ethan said, simply.

"Just until Jake is comfortable with us." I said quickly.

"You know what Lily? Don't worry about it." Ethan said, sharply.

"Why not?" I asked, curiously.

"I've said it before. There's never been an 'us'. Just me and you and a whole lot of conflict. Obviously, Jake enjoys the drama, so you made the right decision cause quite frankly, I'm over it." Ethan finished.

I nodded. What the fuck did I say to that? I wasn't going to beg him to be my friend. I was over it too.

I got into my car and drove off. When I got home, I saw Jake called me. I gave him a call back. I couldn't wait to tell him about my conversation with Ethan.

He picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey." I said, flopping on my bed.

"I need to talk to you."

"Ditto. You first." I said.

"Why is Trevor talking about motorboating you on Facebook?" Jake asked.

I giggled.

"Is there something funny about that?" Jake asked, upset.

The tone of his voice wiped the smile off my face." Um, yeah. It was a joke."

"I don't see anything funny about it. It's disrespectful." Jake said.

I sighed. "Whatever. I'll delete it."

"Why?"

"Because you have a problem with it. I thought you were only like this with Ethan. But I was wrong." I exclaimed.

"You know what? Do whatever you want. That's what you're gonna do anyway right?" Jake said, before he hung up on me.

I put my phone away, frustrated. Tears formed in my eyes. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was sick of feeling like this. A few tears fell from my eyes.

I wiped them away when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in." I said, loudly.

"Hey! Corey's taking me out tonight. I wanna borrow a dress." Sammy declared, bursting into my room.

"Sure." I said.

She stopped and looked at me.

"What did he do now?" Sammy asked, sighing.

I remained silent. She came over to my bed and jumped on me.

"Get off!" I said, pushing her off.

"Not until you tell me." She said, hopping back on me.

"This is sexual harassment."

"You know you want it." She sang, Robin Thicke style.

I smiled. She laughed and laid beside me. I grabbed my phone and showed her the Facebook post.

"Jake turned into his controlling alter ego after he saw this." I explained as she read it. After she scrolled through, she turned to me.

"Lily, you know I love you?"

I nodded.

"But you are an idiot. No guy is gonna be okay with this. Especially not a guy like Jake." Sammy said, shaking her head.

"That's just how Trevor and I are. You know that." I said.

"Yeah, I do. And how many serious relationship have y'all had since y'all met each other?" Sammy asked.

I didn't answer.

"Or even better, how would you feel if Jake said he wanted to motorboat someone? Like me?" Sammy asked.

I winced.

"And you know our history. Jake doesn't even know the history of Trevor and you, does he?" Sammy pressed.

I looked down, ashamed.

She handed me my phone and hopped off the bed.

"Delete it and you need to tell him about Trevor. Then I suggest letting him do whatever he wants with your boobs." Sammy said, walking to my closet.

While she searched, I deleted the comments. When she left with my floral sundress, I called Jake. He didn't answer. I texted him too.

Me- I'm sorry Jake. Please call me back so we can talk.

He didn't reply.

------------------------

Thursday morning, there was still no word from Jake. I got up and got dressed for work. I called Jake again on my way to work. I knew he had to be up getting ready for work. When he didn't answer, I left a voicemail.

"Jake, I'm really sorry. I know it was inappropriate and it won't happen again." I sighed. "Just give me a call."

I hung up and headed into work. I cleared my mind and focused. I had a new supervisor to impress.

I worked through my first appointments before going back into what is Derek's office for the next two days. Derek sat with an older brunette woman.

They both stood when I came in to the room.

"Lily, this is Sandra Alexander." Derek introduced us. I smiled and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you." I said.

"Nice to meet you as well. I heard so many good things. Please, have a seat." She said, motioning me to sit. I did, and smiled at Derek.

"Thanks Derek. I'm sure he was being generous." I said.

"No. Truthful. Lily is our newest therapist, but she shows a lot of promise." Derek said.

"I'm sure she does. I just wanted to take this time to introduce myself and get to know you a little before I start Monday." She began. "I'm originally from Texas. My family is from east Texas. I graduated from University of Arizona, went to grad school up there and worked my way up to a Director of Physical Therapy at a hospital. So I see you recently moved to Dallas as well?" Sandra asked me.

"That's right. In April. I was born and raised in California, but I came here for school. I love Dallas, so I decided to live here." I explained.

"I see you worked in a hospital in California?"

"Yes. I completed a fellowship at a university hospital."

"And how did you like it?" Sandra asked me.

"It was challenging, but rewarding. You see something new every day." I responded, smiling.
"And how do you like working in a clinic versus the hospital setting?" She asked.

"You definitely see more variety at a hospital, but I love that we get to work with our surgeons from beginning to end. I think it helps patients see rehab as part of the repair like surgery and not just after care." I answered.

Sandra smiled. "Very true. But I must say I'm surprised a person of your age isn't interested in more of a challenge. A hospital is much more challenging and fast paced. "

"I treat every patient individually. No patient is textbook to me. That's a challenge in itself." I answered, neutrally.

Derek nodded. He turned to Sandra. "Lily is very innovative, but has a strong understanding of the bases so she doesn't stray too far. I encourage you to let her work with you on rehab plans."

Sandra smiled at the both of us. "Absolutely. Definitely don't want her getting bored."

"Of course not." I said, confidently.

"I look forward to working with you Lily." Sandra said.

I smiled. "I'm excited about working with you as well." I said, before standing up and leaving.

Friday night came with no call or text from Jake. I went home and accepted that not only will I be going to the bon voyage party alone, but that Jake was going to break up with me. I just felt it. He had been distant ever since Labor Day and when I thought about it, I couldn't blame him. I would hate it if he acted the way I did with other women. The thought of him snap chatting or flirting or touching another girl made me upset. What the fuck was I thinking? The truth was, I wasn't and now that I was, it was too late.

I got dressed for the going away party. It took me forever. It was cool and rainy. And I wanted to look cute, but not too sexy considering it was a work party. I chose electric blue skinny jeans with a low cut white fitted shirt and a black leather jacket. Black calf length boots and my hair back in a messy bun finished my look. I did my make-up simple but sexy featuring curled lashes, dark liner and a deep plum lip. I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. I was shocked to see Jake in the parking lot, waiting outside his car. He looked so sexy in dark denim jeans and a gray Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up, exposing the cuff perfectly. I couldn't stop my eyes from devouring him.

"What are doing here?" I said, stopping to stand in front of him.

"Still need a plus one?" He asked.

I threw myself at him. He caught me, sliding his arms under my jacket. I pressed against him.

"I'm so sorry Jake."

"We can talk about it later. You don't wanna be late to a work thing." Jake said.

"I don't care. This is more important." I pulled back to look him in the eyes. He looked surprised but continued.

"Lily, I want this to work, but I don't know how it can if you don't see anything wrong with that conversation."

"I do and not just that conversation, but my actions in general. And it's not an excuse, but I just started to be comfortable with myself and stop second guessing everything I say or do, but that doesn't mean it should be at your expense and I'm sorry." I apologized again.

Jake nodded.

"Jake, I promise I'm going to work on it, but I need you to work with me and not just cut me off." I said.

"I know I was wrong for that and I'm sorry." He started. "I don't wanna argue with you. I wanna solve our problems, not just ignore them."

"Me too." I smiled at him.

"How am I supposed to stay mad at you when you smile at me like that?" Jake murmured, bringing me closer.

"Good to know." I said, trying to pull him in for a kiss.

"You're gonna give me purple lips..." he said, softly.

"Plum. It'll look good on you." I pressed my lips on to his. He kissed me back anyway.

"I have a couple things to tell you, about Ethan and Trevor." I said, while wiping his lips.

Jake tensed. "Save it. We can talk about it after the party." He answered.

I nodded.

After I re-applied my lipstick, we headed to Pappadeaux. We made our way into the restaurant hand in hand and were led to the small private room. I scanned the room. I saw Jordan wave me over. She was standing next to Derek, as he talked to Quintin and Steven. I walked over an introduced Jake before telling Steven and Derek how much I was going to miss them.

"I'm sure we're still going to be seeing a lot of each other. Especially if you and Jordan decide to take things to the next level." Derek joked.

Jordan and Jake laughed while Steven looked confused.

"Wow. You had no sense of humor the whole time I worked with you, now you have jokes?" I laughed .

Derek laughed. "I'm not your boss anymore. We can joke."

"Technically, you are until Monday." I countered. "So keep your joke to yourself!" I smiled.

"Well as your boss, I guess I won't be buying everyone a round." Derek replied.

"I think we can overlook it." Quintin said.

I nodded, enthusiastically.

We ordered drinks and made our way to the buffet station. There was a chilled seafood tower of crab claws, oysters on a half shell and shrimp, fried alligator, coconut shrimp, crab and spinach dip, fried calamari, and cheese and vegetable trays. We filled our plates before sitting down.

I chose a table, sitting with another nurse named Gregory and a surgical technician named Tami and their plus ones. I was surprised when Jordan came and sat next to me.

"Hey...Why aren't you sitting by Derek?" I asked.

"Cause I get him for a whole week to myself. I'll let y'all have him tonight." Jordan said.

"You mean you get him and his mom for a whole week?" I smiled.

Jordan chuckled. "Hush up. Besides, you both owe me a thank you." She said, nodding at me and Jake.

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Remember at Dave and Buster's? I guessed Jake was your boyfriend?" Jordan started.

"Vaguely..." I said.

"Well, I planted the seed. Spoke it into existence. Now y'all are together!" She explained.

"Wow...." I said, sarcastically.

"Yeah, thanks a lot Jordan." Jake groaned. I bumped him with my leg. He smiled at me.

Ann, the HR manager, eventually went to the front. She gave a sweet speech outlining how much Derek, Christy and Steven contributed to the team. She said how much we were going to miss them, but wished them all the success in the future.

 Quintin put together a slide show of pictures collected over the years at work. The beginning started with the song Photographs by Nickleback. It was really emotional. I hadn't even worked there as long as everyone else and I felt myself tearing up when Christy started crying, but by the end it changed to laughter as the music changed to Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley and the pictures were silly and/or personal.

Before Jake and I left, I made sure to give Christy a hug and thanked her for everything she did for me.

"That was really nice." Jake commented, as we drove out the parking lot.

"I know. It's gonna be weird without them. I don't even know if Ann hired anyone yet." I said, thoughtfully.

Jake cleared his throat. "So you ready to talk?"

"Yes. Can we stop somewhere?" I asked.

He nodded.

Jake took me to downtown Dallas. We drove past his building where he was the security account manager. It was huge, hi-rise building.

"20 floors." Jake informed me.

We stopped at a coffee place called Opening Bell. It was located in the basement of some lofts. It was crowded and a live band was playing music. We found a table in the back. Jake went up front to order our drinks. He came back with a drink called a high risk cream for me. It was espresso, milk, and a shot of O'mara's Irish Cream. He got himself a beer.

"How did you find this place?" I asked him, sipping on my drink. Interesting.

"One of my guards brought breakfast tacos to work from here. She let me try one-"

"She?" I asked.

"She. She worked for the building for 17 years now." Jake smiled.

"Good for her." I smiled too.

"But yeah, they were good. I bribe my guards with them all the time if I need someone to come in or stay late." Jake explained.

"I wanna come work for you."

"I would never give you a gun."

We both laughed. Then he watched me, expectantly.

"So I guess I'll start with Trevor." I started. "One of the reason I didn't see anything wrong with what we said was because that's just how Trevor and I are."

"Lily, I get that. I just feel some lines shouldn't be crossed. Especially on Facebook." Jake said.

"I know. I get that. I would hate it if you did that to me. I was just so glad things were back to normal with him, I wasn't thinking. Because up until recently, it's been weird because Trevor told me he had feelings for me." I admitted.

"What?" Jake asked, genuinely surprised. "When did he tell you? Why did he tell you?" Jake fired at me.

"He didn't. Rocky told me, after I came back from California." I confessed.

"When?" Jake asked again.

"The night of our first date."

He looked hurt, then pissed. but he stayed silent.

"Jake, talk to me." I pleaded.

"What do you want me to say? You know he has feelings for you, but yet you have him all in my face, hanging out with him and flirting with him on Facebook. What is wrong with you?" He asked.

"It was always harmless because he's just my friend. Nothing has ever happened between us Jake. I promise you. I was fucking shocked when Rocky told me. I really wish I didn't ask. I didn't know what to do." I said.

"You should have told me." He answered.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't wanna ruin things with us and I didn't wanna lose him as a friend. So I just waited it out. I wasn't going to tell you, but we said honesty. And honestly, Trevor and I have been like this so long, I don't always know when it goes too far, but I do wanna change. I just need your help." I explained.

He looked away from me towards the stage. I looked down, wishing we would have went to my apartment. At least he could just leave me and I could be miserable in peace.

"Cariño." He said. I looked up. "I can't pretend that I'm ok with y'all being friends. I'm not. I don't think you can just turn feelings on and off like that but I'm giving you my trust. Don't give me anymore reasons not to trust you."

I nodded.

"What about Ethan?" He said, looking at me, worriedly.

"I talked to him Wednesday and basically told him what I told you about me focusing on us and our relationship and backing off on being his friend."

"What did he say?" Jake sighed.

"That he doesn't care to be my friend anyway. Apparently, I'm too much trouble and that I made the right choice choosing to be with you cause he's so over my drama."

"What did you even like about him?" Jake shook his head.

"He's alright... When he's not being a dick." I smiled. "Besides, he was right."

Jake looked at me, suspiciously.

"About what?"

"About me making the right choice. I did and I love my choice." I said, leaning close to kiss him on the lips.