California

Yep, this is a filler post. Monday's post was early. This post just gives more background and sets up the rest of the week.

California- Phantom Planets

***Flashback*** 

April 2014

I hugged everyone one more time before I went searching for my Aunt Patricia. She had thrown a big going away dinner for me. All of her kids, their kids, a few of my co-workers and other extended family came. My co-worker Stuart was more than a little shocked and confused as to why I would leave a great job at a hospital, to move back to Dallas for an interview at a clinic.

It was really simple. Dallas was where I wanted to be. When I got the email about interviewing, I was honestly surprised. At the beginning of the year, I applied for jobs in Dallas, just to see what was out there. My new year resolutions for 2013 were to move on, get my own life and make California my home. And that's what I did.

After my miscarriage, my dad fully took over my life again. He prepared our meals, planned our activities, bought me self help books, and exercised with me. I stayed like that for 3 months, until my frustration at being controlled overshadowed my grief. It was about to be a new year. I needed a fresh new start.

So I made those new year resolutions. I got my own apartment, made connections with people who I knew from high school, and actually tried to move on. But by the time 2014 rolled around, I still didn't feel like California was my home. I guess that saying home is where your heart's at was true. Cause mine was in Dallas. With my friends. And with Ethan. I wasn't completely delusional to think that Ethan was waiting for me. But I knew my experience with dating only made me miss and appreciate him more. Maybe he felt the same.

Even though I missed everyone in Dallas, I wasn't just going to move back without a job. I figured it wouldn't hurt to see what jobs were available. If I got a couple of job leads, I would plan a trip back, feel out the situation, then move back.

I was ecstatic when I got that first email about a job interview a month later. So excited, I decided to forget waiting for a job. Dallas was where I wanted to be, so I was going. There was nothing keeping me in California.

So that's why I was at my Aunt's house, saying goodbye to everyone. I found my aunt outside in front of the house. She was waving and watching as her oldest daughter drove off.

"Patricia, I think I'm gonna have Bianca take me to my dad's soon but thank you, for everything." I said, smiling. Lady Kitana was already on her way to Dallas.

"Lilian, I want to talk to you before you go."

"Ok." I said, following her inside the house. We went to the back, in her bedroom. I avoided looking at the room I used to stay in.

"Why are you moving back to Dallas?" She asked me.

"Cause I want to. My brother and my friends are out there." I explained.

"I thought you weren't talking to your brother. And you made friends out here." Patricia pointed out.

"I know. But it's just were I wanna be." I shrugged.

"I thought California was where you wanted to be. That's why you moved out here. You didn't even look for jobs in Dallas after you graduated."

"Yeah, cause I thought I was going to reconnect with mother. That didn't happen." I said.

"I have a lead. I didn't want to tell you until I knew it was real but it is. I have an idea where your mom is at." Patricia admitted.

I was surprised. When I originally asked about mom, she told me she had nothing and wanted nothing to do with my mom. My aunt Patricia said my mom knew giving me up without consulting the family would be the last straw for them. But my mom did it anyway, severing all ties with her family. And my aunt hasn't tried to have contact with her ever since.

"I don't care." I said, nonchalantly. "I don't want anything to do with her."

And that was the truth. I had a connection to my baby when I miscarried. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant, I grieved the loss of my child. I knew, without a doubt, whether Ethan wanted the child or wanted to be a part of his/her life, that I would have raised my child. I couldn't imagine giving birth, raising my baby for years, and then leaving him/her. I didn't want to know a woman like that. I didn't want to have any part of her. My mother's approval meant nothing to me. She meant nothing to me. But it did bring up another question.

"Do you know who my father is?" I asked Patricia.

"I don't. That's something you would have to ask her." Patricia answered.

I nodded. I stood to leave.

"Lily. Bianca told me about that man. The man whose child you still talk to."

 I stiffened.

 "Is he the one that got you pregnant?" Patricia asked.

"Why do you ask?" I said, instead of answering.

"He has a child already. He got you pregnant. Don't confuse your grief over your child with feelings for a man like that-"

"Don't judge him! You have no right! You don't know anything about what kind of man he is!" I exclaimed.

"I know you think you have feelings for the man that got you pregnant. Maybe you do. But you can't be happy with anyone until you're happy with yourself."

"I was happy. When I was in Dallas." I said. Hopefully, that would still be the truth.

I gave her a hug, before leaving.

***PRESENT***

"Lily...Lilypad. Wake up. We just landed."

My brother's voice woke me up out of my sleep. As soon as we got settled on the plane, I was bombarded with thoughts of the last time I was in California. The memories, both good and bad, flooded through me. Jake was the reason I was thinking of my mom's sister Patricia's parting words to me. I put on my headphones and zoned out. My zen playlist (Muse, Coldplay, Keane, The Killers, Girls, Aqualung, Kings of Leon, One Republic) cleared my thoughts and soon I was sleep. I didn't realize how tired I was. That morning, I woke up to the smell of coffee, in Jake's bed alone. I looked at my phone to see it was 2 hours before we had to leave for the airport. When I joined him in the kitchen, Jake made a breakfast of pancakes, sausage, and coffee. I thanked him and we ate.

"Lily?"

I looked up at him when he called my name. I really didn't want to have a conversation right now. Especially not about last night. But I knew we should go ahead and talk so it wasn't weighing on my mind my whole trip.

"I'm sorry."

 I raised my eyebrow at him. He said it last night, in Spanish, when I was pretending to be sleeping. I was surprised he actually repeated it in English.

"I meant everything I said. Nothing you said last night changes the way I feel about you. But I'm so sorry for the way I did it. And for your loss."

"Ok. Thanks." I said.

 I don't know how I felt about the apology. Especially him referring to my loss. It stung, but not as much as before.

I left it at that. We ate breakfast in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable. But probably because we were both too lost in our own thoughts to notice.

 He took me to the airport. I wanted him to drop me off, but he insisted on walking me in. My brother already texted that they would be waiting at the American Airline gate. As promised, he and Jenna were waiting by the entrance. Cam stood, and walked towards us with purpose.

I thought we were in the clear. After re-introductions, Cam thanked Jake for getting me to the airport on time. I gave Jake a smile and a hug, getting ready to take off, when Cam told Jenna and me to check the empty luggage bags. I was using them to bring home the things I didn't want to box up and/or trash. Cam said he wanted to have a chat with Jake while we did that.

"He can't. He has to get to work. He's already late." I interjected.

"I don't mind. They know I'm gonna be late. They can manage a little longer without me." Jake answered.

"You're parked. The longer you stay the more it'll cost." I said, pointedly to Jake.

"He can just use the money he saved on gas when he didn't come over last night." Cam interrupted me.

I sighed. Jake deserved that but still, I was trying to help him out. Hopefully he'll take that as his cue and exit. Immediately.

"It's no problem." Jake agreed instead, confidently.

Whatever. If they wanted to have a penis swinging contest, so be it.

"Be nice." Jenna said to Cam, before ushering me away.

15 minutes later, we had our bags checked and headed back to where we left Jake and Cam. When Cam saw us approaching, he held out his hand to Jake. Jake shook his hand, before walking towards me. He pulled me to the side.

He gave me another hug and kissed me on the forehead. "Call me when you make it to California."

I nodded.

"What did he say?" I asked.

"Typical big brother stuff." He said, vaguely.

 Cam and Jenna joined us and Jake said one final goodbye leaving.

"What did you say to him?" I questioned Cam.

"Don't worry about that." Cam said.

"I'm not. Just know, whatever I decide to do, it's my life. And my decision." I replied.

Cam looked at me. "So why do you care what I said?"

Urgh, he had me there. We didn't talk about it as we waited for our flight. I thought about it though. I felt like I was constantly having to defend myself and my actions to my so-called friends. Who apparently discuss how much they think I was fucking up. I really don't get it. Well, I kinda got it. In college, I second guessed everything I did and always consulted them before I made major decisions. I played it safe and had no life outside of them. Now that I do, there were problems. I love Rocky and Trevor, but I was sick of having the same argument with them over and over again. Maybe we were drifting apart. It hurt to think about it, but it was better than continuing to fight with them.

I stretched as the plane came to a stop. I unbuckled my seatbelt and slid on my sunglasses.

"How's it feel to be home?" Jenna asked us, as we retrieved our carry on bags.

How ironic. The same things that made Dallas feel like home, I lost or felt like I was losing.

"I don't know. Ask me when we get back." I said, sarcastically.

"Ditto." Cam agreed, grinning at me.