I'd Rather Go Blind

"I'd Rather Go Blind"- Beyonce/Etta James


I arrived at the restaurant early, so I texted Ethan to let him know I was there and waited in my car.

My nerves are still running wild, but Sammy has me feeling like I'm in a costume. I just need to play the role. A super cool, confident, sexy alter ego of myself who can conquer the world. One man at a time. I'm listening to Beyonce in my car to help me get into my role.

Not even 5 minutes after I texted, I saw Ethan's truck pull up. I got out my car and watched him park further down from me. He saw me and headed my way.

"Good morning." I said, with a smile.

"Good morning." He said, his eyes drinking me in. "You look good." He said, when he finally met my eyes.

It isn't much. But the way he said it, paired with how he was looking at me, sent a wave of confidence and awareness through my body.

"So do you." I said, truthfully.

He kept it simple and casual in loose black jeans and a navy blue polo. He was rocking a scruffy goatee, which I love. He always looks so effortlessly sexy and put together. I normally feel like I have to keep up. I like feeling like his equal for once.

"Happy Father's Day." I said, giving him a hug.

"Thank you." He said, pulling back from me.

"Is it weird not having EJ with you?" I asked him, as we walked to the restaurant.

"A little. I actually wanted him for the whole weekend, but he wanted to go to his mom's so he could surprise me."

I smiled at him. "So you need to work on your surprised face since you already know you're getting one."

"No, I'm actually already surprised he put in so much effort."

"I'm not. You're an awesome dad. Makes perfect sense to me." I commented.

"Thanks Lily." Ethan said, looking me in the eyes as he opened the door for me.

I blushed and entered the restaurant. The smell of the food from the buffet hits me immediately. It smells delicious. There is no wait as we are led to a table right away.

"So did you talk to your dad?" Ethan asked me, as he let me pass to follow the hostess.

"I did. Yesterday actually. That's when he got my gift." I said, picking a chair at the table and sitting down.

I got my dad a gift certificate for Brookstone and a Hallmark card. And yes, I know that's generic and no thought process at all. I pride myself on being a great gift giver. Honestly, everyone wishes that I was their secret Santa. That's how much thought and care I put into gifts. As a kid, I tried really hard to gift him something he would love and use, to no avail. My dad is IMPOSSIBLE to shop for, so I don't.

"We talked for like 5 minutes and he guilt tripped me into planning a trip back to California soon. I guess I'm going to have to go anyway to get the rest of my stuff when me and Sammy move into our apartment next month" I rambled on. The tequila shots, coupled with the lack of sleep and food, is making me more chatty than normal.

"Really? Already found an apartment?" He asked. Apparently my rambling didn't bother him.

"Yes. Just gotta sign the lease." I said, simply.

"Great. Congratulations." He said.

When the waitress made her way over, he asked me,
"Are we drinking to celebrate?"

I shook my head. That's the last thing I needed. "No. I'm planning to eat all my calories."

He smiled at that and ordered us coffee, water and the buffet. Then we got up to get our food. We take our time looking everything over. We loaded our plates with a combination of french toast, cheese grits, fried fish, collard greens, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and fresh cut fruit. We sat down and ate.

The food was a welcomed distraction. It gave me a chance to relax and get comfortable with him. We spend the meal trying everything and picking which was our favorite dish and what we would eat again.

It got more crowded as we ate. Ethan got up to get us some gumbo that I couldn't carry the first time around. While he was gone, an older man passing our table stopped.

"That sure is a pretty dress." He said, looking me over.

"Thanks." I said.

"Are you here alone?"

"No, she's not." Ethan answered for me, sitting down, giving the guy a hard glare.

I smiled at Ethan when the guy walked away.

"Looks like you're making friends."

I laughed. "The dress definitely is." He just took a bite of the gumbo. I did the same, excitedly.

I want to freak out and do a victory shimmy in my chair, but I refrain. My alter ego would never do something so childish. But his reaction to that random guy just gave me the last boost of confidence I needed. Why would he be possessive of me if he didn't still have feelings for me? Or if he was with someone else?

"It's pretty good." Ethan commented about the gumbo.

"Yeah...is it bad that I'm thinking about where I wanna go out to eat next time? Cause this really makes me want Razzoo's."

"I haven't been there in forever. In fact, I think I've been there twice since your first time." He laughed.

"URGH, don't remind me."

Me, Rocky and Sammy joined Ethan and some of his co-workers for happy hour. I got drunk off their gator punch, trying to keep up with Sammy. It wasn't pretty.

"We should go there sometime. I feel like I need to redeem myself." I said, as confidently as I could muster. I realized he made the first move two years ago. Now it was my turn. But I still couldn't help feeling nervous.

"That'll be fun. Maybe on Rocky and Brandon's anniversary. Remind them how far they've come since then." Ethan suggested.

"Yeah. Or maybe just you and me. Like a date." I tried to say it as coolly as possible. There. I did it. My part was done...

He studied me for an agonizing few seconds before saying, "I don't think that's a good idea."

My heart stopped. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Why not?" I asked, deflated.

"Because I'm dating someone right now. Karen, I don't know if you remember her-"

My stomach dropped and twisted violently. "I remember." I cut him off. I've been staring at their picture all weekend. Of course I do.

"We've been dating since before you moved back-" He started.

 I looked at him in disgust.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"We kissed. You cheated on her." I accused.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Really? After what I went through, you really think I would cheat?"

I looked down but didn't answer.

"Of course I didn't cheat on her. We had been dating. Not exclusively. When you came back, we took a break. I'm not going to lie, seeing you again, stirred up a lot of old feelings for me. And when you kissed me, I was tempted to fall back into a relationship with you." He explained.

"What changed your mind?" I asked. I didn't know if I wanted to know the answer, but I needed to know.

"A relationship. I want a real one. Not just fun." He answered, simply.

"And you don't see that with me anymore?" I said, softly. I knew I sounded pathetic, but if I didn't ask, it would plague me. Probably for life.

"I don't know. It's been two years Lily."

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to give us a chance. That time didn't change anything for me. I still wanted to be with him. It wasn't just fun for me. Then or now. But he continued.

"And even if I did, I've invested time with Karen. I've gotten to know her. I want to see where it goes." Ethan finished.

I nodded, taking a deep breathe. "I understand." I forced myself to say. Just play the role...

"You do?"

"Yeah. It would have been fun. But like you said, it's been 2 years. I really just wanted to clear the air between us so it doesn't have to be so weird and awkward between us." I lied.

I was hoping he wouldn't see through my lies. That my make-up, dress, alter ego, anything, concealed how broken up I was at his words.

He nodded.

After that, he paid the bill. And we left. I tried to keep it as cool as possible. I even gave him a hug, told him to enjoy his Father's Day, and that I'd talk to him later.

I drove until I landed at Sammy's apartment. I knocked. She opened the door and took one look at my face.

"Lily..." She sighed, hugging me.

 I couldn't help it. I burst into tears.


*Hey again! Still need inspiration about flashbacks if I'm going to write any post this week. Please comment any suggestions or questions you have about Lily's past*