"I've got a monster in my closet
Someone's underneath my bed
The wind's knocking at my window
I'd kill it but it's already dead
It waits till the midnight hour to come
To torture me for the wrong I've done
it just sits there and stares me
And it won't let me get any sleep
At first I was scared when
I looked at his eyes
But now that I know him I'm not that surprised
I'm just waiting on the sun to rise
Oh how I wish that old sun would rise
I used to wonder why he looked familiar
Then I realized it was a mirror
And now it is plain to see,
The whole time the monster was me" The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley
Amanda had a great sense of direction; she was able to direct us back to Wichita Fall from the country. Other than ask Amanda to text Jenna that we were leaving, I didn't speak. I hated that it was silent, I was just in no mood to make small talk. I drove back to Dallas, lost in my own thoughts.
I felt so stupid for sleeping with Trevor. When he broke up with me the first time, I thought I changed his mind about it because we had sex. Last night, I thought he wouldn't wanna be just friends because we had sex. How could I do this to myself again? What the fuck was wrong with me?
Before my mind could began to list the numerous things wrong with me, I thought over what Trevor said. He said he didn't want to be together because he had nothing to give me and couldn't take care of me. Before that, he said he didn't want to spend the rest of his life trying with me. And when he originally broke up with me, he said he couldn't give me what I wanted- that he no longer wanted marriage, a house or kids.
Why didn't he realize that the only thing I wanted from him was him? How could I show him he didn't have to keep trying for us because I was no longer going to push him away? I thought he knew the only reason I wanted a house, marriage or kids was because I wanted them with him.
Love Song by the Cure came on the radio. I took me back to college when Trevor played me the greatest 80's love song and this was number one on his list. I remembered laying on his bed, wishing one day he would notice me and love me back. I convinced myself that everything would work out if he just loved me...
I quickly changed the station. I didn't want to hear about love overcoming everything. If that was the truth, Trevor would want to be with me, not just be friends. It was a lie I no longer believed in. How could I believe in true love when I couldn't make it work with Trevor? Trevor and I loved each other, but it wasn't enough for him stay with me. What was it about me that made him think the best thing to do was walk away?
"Any preferences?" I asked, pushing those thoughts away as I flipped through the Dallas stations that were returning.
"No. Whatever you wanna listen to is ok." Amanda responded.
"Ok. Where am I taking you?" I continued.
"Um, I'm not sure. My friends hasn't responded to my text yet. You can just drop me off at a hotel-"
"No. Hang out with me. My friend is having a party- it should be fun."
"I'm a little partied out- in fact, I'm still a little hungover." Amanda declined.
"Believe me, this will be nothing like J-Mike's party. My friend's husband doesn't even allow liquor in his house. It's going to be a ton of food, candy and kids running around." I tried to talk Amanda into coming.
"Ok, sure. Just until I hear from my friend, then I'll call an Uber or something to her place." She caved.
"I'll take you. It's no problem." I said eager to have an excuse to leave the party early.
"You don't have too..."
"I want to. Let's get you a costume!" I told her, adding excitement to my voice.
She protested a little bit, but I reiterated it was a kid friendly monster party. When I told her I was dressing up as Oscar from Sesame Street, she was convinced. We went to a Halloween store that had already clearanced some of their merchandise. I found a Cookie Monster woman's costume but she turned it down before I could even ask her size.
"Too close to the truth." She smiled, weakly.
I forced a smile too at her attempt at depreciating humor and continued searching. Justine was in the car and I didn't want to leave her for too long. I went to the accessory section, thinking vampire teeth and a cloak so she could be The Count. I found the teeth when Amanda found a yellow bird mask with feathers.
"How bout this? I have a yellow shirt. Big Bird's not really a monster- well, a bird that big is terrifying."
I nodded. "That's perfect. Let's see if we can find a boa."
We had no luck on a yellow boa, but I did find a green bob wig for me. I told Amanda she could wear my golden blonde wig from the night before.
We went back to my apartment and began to get ready. The party already started but I called Amber to make sure she didn't need anything.
"Only if you can control the weather. It's been raining off and on all day." Amber complained over the speaker phone. I was in the bathroom finishing my make-up. I didn't do much at all- just liner and bronzer. Just enough not to look as pathetic as I felt.
"I know. I think Amanda and I ran into 3 different storms on the way back." I said.
"What?!? You're back! Ohmygosh, you're coming to the party?!? Rocky said you spent the night with Trevor so don't count on you being back!"
"I'm back. I didn't want to miss your party." I said, forcing myself to sound cheerful.
"Wait, is Trevor with you? Who the hell is Amanda?" Amber demanded.
"Um no. And Amanda is my sister in law. Jenna's sister, my brother's wife. It's ok if she comes right?" I asked, concerned by her tone.
"Of course! Girl, I had a moment. Will use to mess with a girl name Amanda. I had a flashback." She laughed heartily. I stared at my phone, puzzled by her. "The more the merrier, although we're all going be trapped inside if the rain doesn't stop!"
"Ok. We'll be over in about 30 minutes."
I finished putting on my wig and Oscar hat before joining Amanda in the living room. She looked great in a peplum yellow top, black jeans and the feather mask.
"You look great. Flip flops though? It's still drizzling." I questioned.
"Yeah, I've been in California. I didn't pack anything else besides some old converse." She said, embarrassed. "Um, if it's a problem with your friend, I won't go-"
"It's not!" I realized she must have heard my conversation with Amber. "I think she's been drinking already. I apologize in advance." I assessed her feet. "What size shoe do you wear?"
"9- I have big feet-"
"Me too! Come check out my shoes" I waved her to my bedroom. We went into my closet and I pointed out some of my boots and booties. I turned away from Trevor's side of the closet and went to pick out some socks for her.
"I'll just borrow this. Thank you." Amanda grabbed my Uggs.
"No, thank you. I can't share shoes with any of my friends. Remember I get to check out your closet."
She snorted, then cover her mouth. "I don't have that many options."
I smiled. "That's cool. We'll go shoe shopping while you're here. California has better shopping, but you can't beat the prices here."
She changed shoes while I put on Justine's costume. Before we left, I went into my room and grabbed a green and brown check shirt from Trevor's side of the closet. I pulled it on before we left.
Just as I predicted, Amber greeted us at the door, a half empty goblet of wine in her hands. She looked great in a Medusa headpiece, long sleeve gold mini-dress and lace up heels. Her make up was flawless- and heavy
"Sesame Street Monsters in the house!" She cheered. "Justine looks so cute!" She squealed as Justine scurried past her.
"This is Amanda, my sister in law." I introduced them. "Your make-up looks great. You look amazing."
"Thank you! Sammy hooked me up." She said, opening the door wider to let us in.
"Hi. Cool decorations." Amanda gestured around.
Purple and black streamers decorated the entrance way into her house.
"Thank you. Keep walking back. The back living room and patio is my favorite!" Amber pushed us toward.
The front living was adorned with Monster High decorations and black, pink and purple balloons.
"Wait, let me say hello to the kids." I stopped Amber.
Krista and April looked adorable in their Monster High costume. They introduced me to three other girls who completed their group. EJ was there, in a weird costume with a green face, weird jumpsuit, and pointy ears. His friend was dressed as a robot.
"What are you? The green goblin?" I asked, giving him a hug.
"No. I'm Beast Boy. Jayden is Cyborg from Teen Titans." EJ explained, annoyed that I didn't get it.
"I haven't seen that show." I confessed.
"Yeah, cause you like baby shows like Sesame Street." He dissed my costume with a smirk while Jayden laughed.
"Oh yeah? I'm surprised you didn't dress up as Brobee from your favorite show Yo Gabba Gabba." I teased him.
"I don't watch that!" He insisted, passionately.
"What? You used too. You have the stuffed animal and everything. Do you still sleep with him?" I asked while his friend laughed at him now.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!!!"
Amber came to retrieve me as I opened my mouth to respond. "Come here! Say hello to everyone!"
"Ok. Bye kids. EJ; Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yooo!!!" I cheered to him.
"Shut up!" He scowled up as I left, chuckling to myself.
We walked through the kitchen to the second living area. I waved at Megan and her boyfriend Dave who had Mike and Sully from Monsters, Inc. caps and were chatting with another couple who wore vampire teeth and a prom King and Queen slashes. They were the parents of Jayden, EJ's friend. After a quick hello, we walked over to the couch were Jake, wearing all black, Kelly and Omar, dressed as mummies, sat chatting.
"Hey, this is my sister in law Amanda." I introduced Amanda as Jake and Omar stood.
"You're Jenna's sister? I can't see much with the mask, but you two have the same beautiful eyes." Jake stated, holding out his hand.
Amanda nodded shyly, a small smile forming on her lips as she shook his hand. It took everything not to roll my eyes.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Jake." Jake said, before turning to me.
I went for a handshake too, but he went for a hug, which made everything awkward.
"Are we doing a bro hug?" He asked, grinning.
"I guess so." I shook my head, going for a half hug.
"You look too pretty to be in a trash can." Jake complimented me. I narrowed my eyes at him.
"And what are you supposed to be? Monster Jake- The lady killer?" I questioned.
"No. The witch's boyfriend." He answered.
"Don't talk about your girlfriend like that." Amber laughed and Jake smiled too, revealing his hidden dimple. I looked away from him.
"Where is everyone else?" I asked, wondering if that was why Jake was speaking to me-because his girlfriend wasn't around.
"Outside. With everyone else taking pictures." Amber said.
I nodded, moving pass Jake to Omar and Kelly. I waved at Omar before hugging Kelly.
"Oh wow, look at the mummy." I said, truly excited by her huge baby bump. "When are you due?"
"December 9th- but the doctor's think it will be before that because of its size." She rubbed her belly proudly.
"Yes! Another member of team Sagittarius!" I cheered."Girl or boy?" I asked.
"We decided not to find out the sex." Kelly responded. I nodded understandingly.
"You better hope it's not a girl. Sagittarius women tend to be crazy." Jake commented with a wink.
I knew he as joking, but it rubbed me the wrong way. "Whatever. Didn't you just celebrate a birthday? 30th? All downhill from there huh?" I quipped.
"I don't think so. Looking pretty good far." He responded.
"Yeah... you enjoy that midlife crisis." I dismissed him.
The backdoor opened and Peyton and Chris made their way inside. They were dressed like Chuckie and his bride. I went over and complimented them on their costume.
"How's Trevor doing?" Peyton asked, immediately.
I forced my face to remain neutral. "He's alright."
"I hate we missed his party. We were hoping he would be here tonight." Chris added.
"He has chemo in the morning, but he says hello and sends his love." I said.
"Yeah, I wanted to reach out. I wasn't sure what to say..." Chris said.
"It's still Trevor- just call or email him. He would love to here from you." I forced another smile. From the look on Peyton's face, my smile wasn't convincing.
Thankfully, Rocky and Brandon, dressed as werewolves, came in saving me from further conversation. They were followed by two girls I didn't recognize dressed as Freddy and Jason, Jackie as a she- devil, Dino as a witch, Sammy dressed in a cute, sugar skull skeleton jumpsuit and Corey in the same skeleton hoodie Trevor wore. I tore my eyes off Corey to focus on Forrest who came in last.
"Cookie Monster!" I exclaimed, rushing over to Forrest. He was just wearing a t-shirt with his face on it, but he totally coordinated with me considering he picked out my costume. I gave him a hug, waving Amanda over. "You should have told me. I was this close to having Amanda dress up like the cookie monster."
"Eh, it was last minute. I couldn't do all the zombie make-up again." Forrest said, turning his smile on Amanda. "You're Amanda?"
Amanda nodded.
"This is my friend Forrest." I introduced them.
"Ethan and Will got the lights set up for the fearbook. I need a food break before I take more pictures." Rocky announced.
"Speaking of food, what are in the eyeball?" Kelly asked me.
"Oh, it's just meatballs with a mozzarella center and black olives for the eyes." I explained.
"They smell so good. What kind of meat?" She continued.
"Hamburger and Italian sausage." I rattled off.
"Aww, I'm not eating pork." Kelly sighed.
"The baby will be find if you have one meatball Kel." Dino lectured her.
"Good to know. I'm going to go eat." Rocky said, smiling at me.
"I'll make you a plate." Brandon offered.
"No... I got it." Rocky said, politely through her teeth. I grabbed Amanda's arm and followed her.
"So, y'all are dressing up alike now?" I asked Rocky as we made our plates.
"I was just as surprised to see it as you were." She grumbled.
We sat down at the table in the kitchen with a view of the living room. The two women I didn't recognize Amber introduced me as her co-workers Staci and Mia. They were also the mother's of the girls I met earlier in the living room. Forrest joined us, handing Rocky a bottle of hot sauce. When Rocky concentrated on her plate, I gave Forrest an exaggerated wink and thumbs up. He laughed and I turned when I felt eyes on me. I looked around the living room until my eyes clashed with Jake's. I gave him a pointed glare before turning away.
"Lily- what are Ethan and Will?" Amber blurted as they entered the kitchen. I checked out their jerseys.
"Monstars?" I asked, confused, reading their jerseys. Even if I hadn't seen Space Jam, it was right there. Was it a trick question?
"Ha! She has no idea who y'all are either Ethan!" Amber clapped to empathize her point.
"I mean, it's just the jerseys. If I had to guess, I would say Ethan is the one who stole Charles Barkley's talent and Will is Muggsy Bogues. I don't remember their names." I admitted.
Ethan, Forrest and Rocky cracked up laughing while Will got upset.
"Why do I have to be Bogues?" Will exclaimed.
"I don't know! Amber told me to guess." I shrugged.
"I didn't know what they were. Ethan knew you would know." Amber smiled.
"Who hasn't seen Space Jam? That movie was awesome." I added.
"I loved it growing up. I saw it in theaters 3 times." Forrest agreed.
"My brother got tickets to the advance screening and he had 2 best friends he asked to go with him. I wanted to see it so we needed 5 tickets but we only had four. My brother handed over the tickets and we ran through the door before they could count. It made the movie that much better." I recalled excitedly. Everyone laughed at my story.
"I can't believe your dad went for that. He seems very... straight-laced." Amanda smiled
I shook my head. "My dad didn't take us."
He was too busy: we wouldn't have tried it on him. When Cam found out Mr. Perez, my dad's eager to please assistant manger at the time, was taking us instead, he decided to try. Mr. Perez didn't bat an eye when he saw all 4 of us, but when we got to our seats, he suggested I sit in his lap so no one would catch us. At 8, I didn't think much of it. Even my brother at 12 who was suspicious of everything and everyone didn't say anything. Now, thinking about it made me shudder with disgust.
"Hey-are you ok?" Ethan asked, tapping my shoulder and snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah, why?" I asked, quickly moving away from his touch.
"No reason." Ethan said, watching me for a moment before Megan called him from the living room.
Everyone was talking about gender neutrality but I didn't join in. I couldn't shake off the feeling of disgust at myself. I wasn't sure why it was affecting me so strongly. I never thought of my relationship with Mr. Perez like that. I tried not to think of it at all. I called it a mistake and moved on. Now I felt a shame so deep it took everything not to run from the house so I could be alone and cry.
"Have you heard from your friend yet?" I asked Amanda, anxiously.
She looked at her phone. "No. No reply. I'll try again."
I tuned out Brandon and Forrest debating about transgenders. I don't even know how it got to that conversation- some comment Forrest made saying just because Rocky's child had a penis didn't make it a boy.
"Urgh, I need some air." Rocky sighed.
"I need a drink." Staci declared.
"Let's go take pictures outside and drink since we can't inside." Amber suggested, sending a dirty look Will's way. He didn't even notice. I followed them, wordlessly.
Staci offered us vodka, I turned it down because I was driving but passed it to Amanda. They took pictures and chatted while I sat back, trying to clear my mind.
"Are you ok?" Rocky asked me.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied.
"No you're not." She confronted me.
"Can we talk tomorrow? Just let me be in character tonight. I'm a grouch." I gestured to my outfit.
She gave me a little nod. "Ok. Tomorrow."
I pulled Trevor's shirt around me and found little comfort in the memory of his scent. I spent the rest of the party faking smiles and forcing myself to contribute in conversations. I put on my disguise, keeping my monsters at bay for the time being. I knew I would have to deal with them eventually, I just wasn't ready to face them today.
***I had a request for a Rocky/Forrest POV and since Rocky is easiest for me, that's what the next post will be. It will be of the party, only because there are a lot of things Lily didn't pick up on because she's dealing with her own inner monsters.***
Monday, November 23, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Monster
"So when you're weak
When you are on your knees
I'll do my best, with the time, that's left
Sworn with your spirit, you're fully fleshed
So fuck your dreams
And don't you pick at our seams
I'll turn into a monster for you, If you pay me enough
None of this counts, a few dreams, plowed up
So we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, which makes my body burn
And here is the name, that our sons will learn:
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me" Monster by Mumford & Sons
Trevor's hands snaked around my waist, bringing my body closer to his on the bean bag. All thoughts of talking, figuring out why he left me, and convincing him we belonged together slowly crept from my mind...
"Trevor..." I broke off our kiss.
"Sorry." He said, shifting away from me. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He repeated, miserably, before looking away.
I brushed my lips against his scalp before tilting his chin up. I peppered little kisses on his face, stopping on his lips. "It's ok." I kissed him softly, over and over again.
As each kiss between us became longer and more heated than the last, I told myself that's all we would do- kiss to make up for all the many kisses we missed out on these last 2 months. I knew how easy it was to fall into his arms and forget everything else. I vowed to myself I wouldn't let that happen again.
His lips parted and out of habit, my tongue sought his. We embraced passionately, deepening our kiss. Trevor's breathing became erratic as his hands grasped my body. They grouped over my arms, my neck, across my cleavage, down my dress, and stopped at the skin between the bottom of my dress and the top of my knee socks. As his hands moved up my bare thighs, I felt him harden against me. I knew we should stop right then and there, but it felt too good to be wanted by him again. The promises of love, understanding and commitment chipped at my resolve until it shattered.
He nudged me so I was laying flat on my back and I put up no resistance. When his hands slid up my inner thighs and grabbed my boyshorts, I lifted my hips to assist him as he yank them down. While he unbuttoned his pants, I spread my legs invitingly for him. And as he finally positioning himself on top of me, I wrapped my arms and legs around him. In one hard thrust, he was inside me, breaking the vow I made to myself.
I cried out as my body adjusted to Trevor and he stopped to look at me, his face tense with restraint. I gripped my knees around his waist, signaling him to keep going. That's all the encouragement he needed before he buried himself deeper inside me. Even with the changes in his body, he felt as good as ever molded against me. My moans were mixed with his groans of pleasure as he pounded inside me faster and faster.
His thrusts were hard and unrelenting -but I never once thought about telling him to stop, or even to slow down. I missed and craved the intimacy between us so desperately, I took him anyway I could. I was momentarily dazed when he pulled away from me. I snapped out of it when I saw how eerily pale he look as he gasped for air.
I sat up from the bean bag, searching for my phone. "Are you ok baby? Do we need to go to the hospital?" I found my phone and began to dial 911 as I examined his face.
"No... I'm not dying." he panted, holding his chest.
"What's wrong?" I continued, feeling his forehead. He moved out of my reach.
"Just outta Goddamn breath." He puffed.
"You were doing all the work. Of course you're outta breath." I said, lightly.
"Great- Add fuck my girlfriend to the list of things I can't do." Trevor complained.
I was giddy at the mention of being his girlfriend again- I grinned at the title.
"You think it's funny?" He glowered at me, catching his breath. Color came back to his face- it was now red with anger. It reminded me of the attitude he had when I first found out he had cancer. I didn't want him to revert back to that.
I shook my head. "No." I said, kissing him on his pouting lips. "Just thinking of all the ways I can fuck you." I said, before laying him back on the bean bag.
"Stop. We should stop..." Trevor protested as I began to remove his clothes. I ignored him- I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. His protest weakened when I removed my clothes. They stopped all together as I kissed down his body to his erection. I proceeded to fuck him with my hands first, then my mouth. When he was close, he pulled my hair and grunted, "Inside"
I straddled him, guiding him back inside me. I bounced up and down, conscious about putting all my weight on him. Thankfully, he came quickly. I tried to roll off of him, but he held me in place squeezing my thighs.
"Stay on top." He breathed heavily.
"I'm too heavy-" I started, wiggling uncomfortably.
He sat up, his hands holding my hips and keeping me captive in his lap. "You're perfect." He murmured, kissing me on the lips. He moved his hungry kisses everywhere his lips could reach. When he was hard again, he laid me back on the bean bag.
He made me feel perfect and beautiful and loved as he took his time, sinking inside of me again, excruciating slow. This time, his thrust were slow and gentle, making sure he hit my spot on every thrust.
"Ohhh... Trevor! I love you. I missed you so much..." I cried out as he brought me to my first orgasm.
While I was still recovering, he pulled out, flipped me over so I was flat against my stomach. He laid on top of me and ran kisses over my neck. Lifting me slightly, he slid inside me from behind. One of his hands snaked around my waist, finding my clitoris. He teased me into a frenzy, until I was on the verge of my second orgasm. His thrusts sped up until he climaxed again, causing mine shortly after.
He collapsed on the bean bag beside me and we both struggled to catch our breath. After a moment, I pulled on his t-shirt to creep to the bathroom. Justine watched me the entire time, causing me to wonder how long she's been awake. After a quick wash up, I came out the bathroom with a wash cloth to help Trevor clean up too. When I came out the bathroom, Trevor was passed out, snoring deeply. Wash cloth forgotten, I snuggled next to him, laying my head on his chest and fell asleep too.
Late the next morning, I woke up to Justine whines as she pushed her cold nose on my side.
I got up, yawning before retrieving my keys from my purse. I planned to take Justine out and grab my clothes too. I pulled on my boyshorts and socks before giving Trevor a kiss on the cheek and headed up the stairs. Of all people, I ran into Cam on the way up.
"Aw!" He shielded his eyes, looking away too. "I didn't see nothing."
"Shut up! There's nothing to see!" I exclaimed. "Who all is here?"
"J-Mike, Bilal, Jenna, Amanda, Jimmy." Cam listed off, still refusing to look at me.
"Can you get my bag from my car? And take Justine outside, please?" I asked.
"Yeah, just put your keys on the ground and walk away." Cam instructed.
I rolled my eyes but did what he asked. I went back downstairs and worked on taming my hair- the waves were beginning to come back as the chemical straighten wore off. I had it pulled up in a bun when Cam tossed my bag down.
"Were out on the deck when you two are ready to make an appearance." He called to me before he left.
I got dressed and woke Trevor up. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on a bed or the couch, but he got on up.
"Apparently, everyone is upstairs on the deck." I smiled as he stretched.
"I'll be up there in a second." He responded raspy. I nodded and kissed him before leaving.
I walked through the kitchen that smelled like bacon and coffee and saw Jimmy was putting some weird, silver contraption on the stove.
"Can I help you with anything?" I asked.
"No, everything is ready. I'm making another cup coffee if you want some and I'll make sleeping beauty a milkshake whenever he gets up." He answered.
"He's awake. I can make it for him." I offered, heading to the refrigerator. "No coffee pot?" I asked, curiously pulling out the milk.
"I don't need a pot. Majority of the time it's just me."
"Ever heard of a Keurig?"
"A what?"
"It's what you're getting from Trevor and me on Christmas." I stated before blending all the ingredients in the blender.
"You and Trevor?" Jimmy asked. Before I could respond, Trevor joined us. I smiled at him as Jimmy greeted him and grilled him about the state of the Rec center and store.
"No one went into the store and we'll take care of the Rec today." Trevor said.
"Good. I'm going to church. Don't mess nothing up while I'm gone." Jimmy instructed.
"Never." Trevor smiled, mischievously.
"Lily, I'm leaving you in charge. Make sure he eats." Jimmy told me.
"Of course. See you later." I waved. I handed Trevor his milkshake and gave him a kiss on the lips. "Go outside and I'll bring you a plate."
He pulled away from me. "I got it-"
"No. I got it! I'm in charge remember?" I said, with a playful smile. "Go!"
I made our plates and joined him and everyone else outside.
"What did you and Trevor get into last night?" J-Mike asked before I could sit.
I looked over at Trevor who wouldn't met my eye. I gave J-Mike a little smile. "Just watched movies. Neither one of us was hungry."
"I thought I heard screaming when I came home. What movie was it?" J-Mike asked casually.
"Monster movie-" I supplied at the same time Trevor answered, "Some random horror flick." Trevor said.
J-Mike chuckled. "Some random, monster, horror, flick movie?"
Trevor glared at J-Mike. "The basement is pretty sound tight. Did you have your ear against the door?"
"No- I think you underestimated the noises coming from the basement" J-Mike continued.
"Alright." My brother said, sternly. "Can we move on?"
Bilal hid his snicker behind his juice, Jenna sent me a sympathetic look and Amanda was preoccupied with Justine.
"What? It sounded like a good movie. I just wanted the name of it." J-Mike laughed.
"It was called Mind Your Own Business." I said, snarkily.
Amanda snorted laughing, then covered her mouth. Jenna smiled at her.
"Really? That come out in theaters?" J-Mike asked,
"No. It's an indie film. Maybe you heard of the sequel: MYOB- Shut the Hell Up." I commented.
Bilal openly laughed at this point while Cam shook his head.
"Nope, never heard of it. Kinda lengthy title." J-Mike continued to play along, obnoxious.
"The third one was even longer. MYOB- Shut the Hell Up or Get The Fuck Out. Heard of that one?" Trevor asked.
We all started laughing, even J-Mike. "That one I know." He chuckled.
Trevor and I were allowed to eat in peace as J-Mike finally left it alone. I asked my brother when he was heading back to California.
"We're dropping Amanda off in Dallas and flying back tonight." Cam answered.
"Oh, are you driving back to Kansas City alone?" I asked Amanda.
"No. I have a friend in Dallas so I was going to hang out with her for awhile." She replied.
"She's thinking about moving to Texas or California. I just tried to sell her on California." Jenna added.
"Oh wow, that's exciting. You have to let me sell you on Texas! You can ride with me back to Dallas." I told her.
"I guess." She blushed.
I turned to Trevor. "Do you feel up for a trip to Dallas? Amber would love it of you came to her party." I asked him.
"I can't. I have chemo in the morning." Trevor declined.
"I know. We can go to the party, drop Amanda off with her friend and drive back later tonight." I replied.
"You have to work tomorrow." He said, shortly.
"I don't have to. Adil will cover for me. I just have to let him know. I want to be here with you." I said, grabbing his hand on the table. I gave him a smile which he didn't return. He just nodded.
After we ate, the guys hurried to the rec center with J-Mike to help clean up. Trevor volunteered to ride with Amanda and me to help us get to the rec center. Before we left, I went to the basement to grab Justine things. Trevor followed me.
"I need to apologize for last night." Trevor started.
I paused while gathering the dog bed. "It's nothing to be sorry about- I let it happen too. We should have talked things out first, but it's not too late."
"We don't have anything to talk about. I still- I still think it's best of we remain friends." Trevor admitted.
My heart dropped. "After last night, how can you say that?" I questioned him, not believing my ears.
"Nothing has changed between us. Last night was a mistake. " He asserted.
Bile raised in my throat at his words. "How can you say nothing's changed between us? I changed. I supported you, even though you didn't want me around. I gave you space even though it hurt me. I told you I wouldn't give up on us while showing you I can handle this. Why is us being together a mistake?" I interrogated him.
He rubbed his hand across his face before looking at me. "Lily, I can't ask you to be with me, to go through this, when I can't give you anything in return. I can't give you what you want, I can't take care of you; I can't even promise you a future because I don't know what the future is going to be."
"All I want is you! That's all I ever wanted. That's all I want in return. Nobody knows what will happen. All I know for sure is that I am in love with you. It's true love- and it's real...and it's special." I said, brokenly. "If you feel the same way about me, everything else we can figure out." I implored him.
"I'm sorry Lily. I don't know what else I can say to make you understand where I'm coming from." Trevor said, the pain and frustration evident in his voice.
"You can't. You can't make me understand us not being together, but it's your call. I can't force you to be in a relationship with me. If you're willing to throw us away, maybe what we have isn't so special after all." I bluffed him. I needed him to understand how he made me feel.
"I want us to be friends again." Trevor stated. I stared at him a long time- waiting for him to crack, to bend, to take it back. He never did.
I nodded blankly. "Fine. I gotta go." I turned to head upstairs.
"Lily-" he said grabbing my arm.
"What?" I asked, refusing to face him as I tried to keep my anger, sadness and bitterness contained.
"I don't want you to leave upset."
"I'm not. I have to go. Amber is having her party today. She's my friend too." I explained.
When he didn't say anything, just let me go, I went upstairs. Amanda was waiting for us outside.
"Change of plans. You ready to go to Dallas?" I asked, throwing my things in the car.
"Um, sure. Let me grab my bag."
She hurried inside and got her things. We loaded up the car. Trevor never showed his face as we left.
When you are on your knees
I'll do my best, with the time, that's left
Sworn with your spirit, you're fully fleshed
So fuck your dreams
And don't you pick at our seams
I'll turn into a monster for you, If you pay me enough
None of this counts, a few dreams, plowed up
So we come
To a place of no return
Yours is the face, which makes my body burn
And here is the name, that our sons will learn:
Curse the beauty, curse the queen
Curse the beauty, leave me" Monster by Mumford & Sons
Trevor's hands snaked around my waist, bringing my body closer to his on the bean bag. All thoughts of talking, figuring out why he left me, and convincing him we belonged together slowly crept from my mind...
"Trevor..." I broke off our kiss.
"Sorry." He said, shifting away from me. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He repeated, miserably, before looking away.
I brushed my lips against his scalp before tilting his chin up. I peppered little kisses on his face, stopping on his lips. "It's ok." I kissed him softly, over and over again.
As each kiss between us became longer and more heated than the last, I told myself that's all we would do- kiss to make up for all the many kisses we missed out on these last 2 months. I knew how easy it was to fall into his arms and forget everything else. I vowed to myself I wouldn't let that happen again.
His lips parted and out of habit, my tongue sought his. We embraced passionately, deepening our kiss. Trevor's breathing became erratic as his hands grasped my body. They grouped over my arms, my neck, across my cleavage, down my dress, and stopped at the skin between the bottom of my dress and the top of my knee socks. As his hands moved up my bare thighs, I felt him harden against me. I knew we should stop right then and there, but it felt too good to be wanted by him again. The promises of love, understanding and commitment chipped at my resolve until it shattered.
He nudged me so I was laying flat on my back and I put up no resistance. When his hands slid up my inner thighs and grabbed my boyshorts, I lifted my hips to assist him as he yank them down. While he unbuttoned his pants, I spread my legs invitingly for him. And as he finally positioning himself on top of me, I wrapped my arms and legs around him. In one hard thrust, he was inside me, breaking the vow I made to myself.
I cried out as my body adjusted to Trevor and he stopped to look at me, his face tense with restraint. I gripped my knees around his waist, signaling him to keep going. That's all the encouragement he needed before he buried himself deeper inside me. Even with the changes in his body, he felt as good as ever molded against me. My moans were mixed with his groans of pleasure as he pounded inside me faster and faster.
His thrusts were hard and unrelenting -but I never once thought about telling him to stop, or even to slow down. I missed and craved the intimacy between us so desperately, I took him anyway I could. I was momentarily dazed when he pulled away from me. I snapped out of it when I saw how eerily pale he look as he gasped for air.
I sat up from the bean bag, searching for my phone. "Are you ok baby? Do we need to go to the hospital?" I found my phone and began to dial 911 as I examined his face.
"No... I'm not dying." he panted, holding his chest.
"What's wrong?" I continued, feeling his forehead. He moved out of my reach.
"Just outta Goddamn breath." He puffed.
"You were doing all the work. Of course you're outta breath." I said, lightly.
"Great- Add fuck my girlfriend to the list of things I can't do." Trevor complained.
I was giddy at the mention of being his girlfriend again- I grinned at the title.
"You think it's funny?" He glowered at me, catching his breath. Color came back to his face- it was now red with anger. It reminded me of the attitude he had when I first found out he had cancer. I didn't want him to revert back to that.
I shook my head. "No." I said, kissing him on his pouting lips. "Just thinking of all the ways I can fuck you." I said, before laying him back on the bean bag.
"Stop. We should stop..." Trevor protested as I began to remove his clothes. I ignored him- I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. His protest weakened when I removed my clothes. They stopped all together as I kissed down his body to his erection. I proceeded to fuck him with my hands first, then my mouth. When he was close, he pulled my hair and grunted, "Inside"
I straddled him, guiding him back inside me. I bounced up and down, conscious about putting all my weight on him. Thankfully, he came quickly. I tried to roll off of him, but he held me in place squeezing my thighs.
"Stay on top." He breathed heavily.
"I'm too heavy-" I started, wiggling uncomfortably.
He sat up, his hands holding my hips and keeping me captive in his lap. "You're perfect." He murmured, kissing me on the lips. He moved his hungry kisses everywhere his lips could reach. When he was hard again, he laid me back on the bean bag.
He made me feel perfect and beautiful and loved as he took his time, sinking inside of me again, excruciating slow. This time, his thrust were slow and gentle, making sure he hit my spot on every thrust.
"Ohhh... Trevor! I love you. I missed you so much..." I cried out as he brought me to my first orgasm.
While I was still recovering, he pulled out, flipped me over so I was flat against my stomach. He laid on top of me and ran kisses over my neck. Lifting me slightly, he slid inside me from behind. One of his hands snaked around my waist, finding my clitoris. He teased me into a frenzy, until I was on the verge of my second orgasm. His thrusts sped up until he climaxed again, causing mine shortly after.
He collapsed on the bean bag beside me and we both struggled to catch our breath. After a moment, I pulled on his t-shirt to creep to the bathroom. Justine watched me the entire time, causing me to wonder how long she's been awake. After a quick wash up, I came out the bathroom with a wash cloth to help Trevor clean up too. When I came out the bathroom, Trevor was passed out, snoring deeply. Wash cloth forgotten, I snuggled next to him, laying my head on his chest and fell asleep too.
Late the next morning, I woke up to Justine whines as she pushed her cold nose on my side.
I got up, yawning before retrieving my keys from my purse. I planned to take Justine out and grab my clothes too. I pulled on my boyshorts and socks before giving Trevor a kiss on the cheek and headed up the stairs. Of all people, I ran into Cam on the way up.
"Aw!" He shielded his eyes, looking away too. "I didn't see nothing."
"Shut up! There's nothing to see!" I exclaimed. "Who all is here?"
"J-Mike, Bilal, Jenna, Amanda, Jimmy." Cam listed off, still refusing to look at me.
"Can you get my bag from my car? And take Justine outside, please?" I asked.
"Yeah, just put your keys on the ground and walk away." Cam instructed.
I rolled my eyes but did what he asked. I went back downstairs and worked on taming my hair- the waves were beginning to come back as the chemical straighten wore off. I had it pulled up in a bun when Cam tossed my bag down.
"Were out on the deck when you two are ready to make an appearance." He called to me before he left.
I got dressed and woke Trevor up. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on a bed or the couch, but he got on up.
"Apparently, everyone is upstairs on the deck." I smiled as he stretched.
"I'll be up there in a second." He responded raspy. I nodded and kissed him before leaving.
I walked through the kitchen that smelled like bacon and coffee and saw Jimmy was putting some weird, silver contraption on the stove.
"Can I help you with anything?" I asked.
"No, everything is ready. I'm making another cup coffee if you want some and I'll make sleeping beauty a milkshake whenever he gets up." He answered.
"He's awake. I can make it for him." I offered, heading to the refrigerator. "No coffee pot?" I asked, curiously pulling out the milk.
"I don't need a pot. Majority of the time it's just me."
"Ever heard of a Keurig?"
"A what?"
"It's what you're getting from Trevor and me on Christmas." I stated before blending all the ingredients in the blender.
"You and Trevor?" Jimmy asked. Before I could respond, Trevor joined us. I smiled at him as Jimmy greeted him and grilled him about the state of the Rec center and store.
"No one went into the store and we'll take care of the Rec today." Trevor said.
"Good. I'm going to church. Don't mess nothing up while I'm gone." Jimmy instructed.
"Never." Trevor smiled, mischievously.
"Lily, I'm leaving you in charge. Make sure he eats." Jimmy told me.
"Of course. See you later." I waved. I handed Trevor his milkshake and gave him a kiss on the lips. "Go outside and I'll bring you a plate."
He pulled away from me. "I got it-"
"No. I got it! I'm in charge remember?" I said, with a playful smile. "Go!"
I made our plates and joined him and everyone else outside.
"What did you and Trevor get into last night?" J-Mike asked before I could sit.
I looked over at Trevor who wouldn't met my eye. I gave J-Mike a little smile. "Just watched movies. Neither one of us was hungry."
"I thought I heard screaming when I came home. What movie was it?" J-Mike asked casually.
"Monster movie-" I supplied at the same time Trevor answered, "Some random horror flick." Trevor said.
J-Mike chuckled. "Some random, monster, horror, flick movie?"
Trevor glared at J-Mike. "The basement is pretty sound tight. Did you have your ear against the door?"
"No- I think you underestimated the noises coming from the basement" J-Mike continued.
"Alright." My brother said, sternly. "Can we move on?"
Bilal hid his snicker behind his juice, Jenna sent me a sympathetic look and Amanda was preoccupied with Justine.
"What? It sounded like a good movie. I just wanted the name of it." J-Mike laughed.
"It was called Mind Your Own Business." I said, snarkily.
Amanda snorted laughing, then covered her mouth. Jenna smiled at her.
"Really? That come out in theaters?" J-Mike asked,
"No. It's an indie film. Maybe you heard of the sequel: MYOB- Shut the Hell Up." I commented.
Bilal openly laughed at this point while Cam shook his head.
"Nope, never heard of it. Kinda lengthy title." J-Mike continued to play along, obnoxious.
"The third one was even longer. MYOB- Shut the Hell Up or Get The Fuck Out. Heard of that one?" Trevor asked.
We all started laughing, even J-Mike. "That one I know." He chuckled.
Trevor and I were allowed to eat in peace as J-Mike finally left it alone. I asked my brother when he was heading back to California.
"We're dropping Amanda off in Dallas and flying back tonight." Cam answered.
"Oh, are you driving back to Kansas City alone?" I asked Amanda.
"No. I have a friend in Dallas so I was going to hang out with her for awhile." She replied.
"She's thinking about moving to Texas or California. I just tried to sell her on California." Jenna added.
"Oh wow, that's exciting. You have to let me sell you on Texas! You can ride with me back to Dallas." I told her.
"I guess." She blushed.
I turned to Trevor. "Do you feel up for a trip to Dallas? Amber would love it of you came to her party." I asked him.
"I can't. I have chemo in the morning." Trevor declined.
"I know. We can go to the party, drop Amanda off with her friend and drive back later tonight." I replied.
"You have to work tomorrow." He said, shortly.
"I don't have to. Adil will cover for me. I just have to let him know. I want to be here with you." I said, grabbing his hand on the table. I gave him a smile which he didn't return. He just nodded.
After we ate, the guys hurried to the rec center with J-Mike to help clean up. Trevor volunteered to ride with Amanda and me to help us get to the rec center. Before we left, I went to the basement to grab Justine things. Trevor followed me.
"I need to apologize for last night." Trevor started.
I paused while gathering the dog bed. "It's nothing to be sorry about- I let it happen too. We should have talked things out first, but it's not too late."
"We don't have anything to talk about. I still- I still think it's best of we remain friends." Trevor admitted.
My heart dropped. "After last night, how can you say that?" I questioned him, not believing my ears.
"Nothing has changed between us. Last night was a mistake. " He asserted.
Bile raised in my throat at his words. "How can you say nothing's changed between us? I changed. I supported you, even though you didn't want me around. I gave you space even though it hurt me. I told you I wouldn't give up on us while showing you I can handle this. Why is us being together a mistake?" I interrogated him.
He rubbed his hand across his face before looking at me. "Lily, I can't ask you to be with me, to go through this, when I can't give you anything in return. I can't give you what you want, I can't take care of you; I can't even promise you a future because I don't know what the future is going to be."
"All I want is you! That's all I ever wanted. That's all I want in return. Nobody knows what will happen. All I know for sure is that I am in love with you. It's true love- and it's real...and it's special." I said, brokenly. "If you feel the same way about me, everything else we can figure out." I implored him.
"I'm sorry Lily. I don't know what else I can say to make you understand where I'm coming from." Trevor said, the pain and frustration evident in his voice.
"You can't. You can't make me understand us not being together, but it's your call. I can't force you to be in a relationship with me. If you're willing to throw us away, maybe what we have isn't so special after all." I bluffed him. I needed him to understand how he made me feel.
"I want us to be friends again." Trevor stated. I stared at him a long time- waiting for him to crack, to bend, to take it back. He never did.
I nodded blankly. "Fine. I gotta go." I turned to head upstairs.
"Lily-" he said grabbing my arm.
"What?" I asked, refusing to face him as I tried to keep my anger, sadness and bitterness contained.
"I don't want you to leave upset."
"I'm not. I have to go. Amber is having her party today. She's my friend too." I explained.
When he didn't say anything, just let me go, I went upstairs. Amanda was waiting for us outside.
"Change of plans. You ready to go to Dallas?" I asked, throwing my things in the car.
"Um, sure. Let me grab my bag."
She hurried inside and got her things. We loaded up the car. Trevor never showed his face as we left.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Jack and Sally Song
"My dearest friend,
If you don't mind
I'd like to join you by your side
Where we could gaze into the stars
And sit together now and forever
For it is plain as anyone could see
We're simply meant to be" Jack and Sally Song from The Nightmare Before Christmas
I stood in the mirror Saturday, looking over my make-up one more time. My lashes were longer and curled with mascara, my eyes brightened with creamy, shimmering taupe shadow and defined with dark brown liner, and my skin appeared flawless with foundation, concealer, and rosy cheeks. All painstakingly applied to compliment my ragdoll costume.
I patted down the skirt of my dress, admiring it in the mirror. As soon as I got of the phone with Trevor, I headed to the Halloween store. I went to 4 different Halloween shops before I finally picked a costume. I really wanted to be Sally from a Nightmare Before Christmas, but with no Jack, I settled on a rag doll. After all, Sally is a rag doll too. Mine was just a little sexier and less creepy.
I readjusted the wig on my head, pulling it into two low side ponytails. Sally had red hair, but I bought a golden blonde wig for Mama Tobin. It made me feel more confident that at one point, Trevor chose me over a relationship with her. Calling her Mama in my head was a big fuck you to her if I had to see her.
I grabbed my overnight bag. It had my black booties, a change of clothes for me and Justine's outfit as well. She wasn't going to be Zero, the ghost dog, but a dog dressed up as a ghost. Her costume consisted of a white tutu with ghosts on it. I slipped on my flip flops before heading to Rocky's living room where she was waiting for me.
"About time." She said, standing up and grabbing her purse.
"Sorry... I actually dressed up." I said, eying her jeans and red long sleeved top. She wore her werewolf ears headband and furry leg warmers that came with the costume she was wearing to Amber's party.
"I did too... I'm just not trying to impress anyone." Rocky countered, giving me a look as we walked out to my car.
I wasn't trying to impress anyone... just convince Trevor of his mistakes of breaking up with me and thinking we could be only friends. There was a difference. Subtle, but different.
"How do I look?- Considering I'm running off 5 hours of sleep?" I asked, getting into the car after I put Justine in the backseat. I spent all night Friday and the majority of my day Saturday cooking with Rocky for Amber's party.
"You look great. Now be quiet while I get some rest." Rocky commanded.
Rocky was sleep before we were out of Dallas. I played classic rock softly in the car as I drove to Wichita Falls. Trevor and I took turns listening to music when we made the drive and I was in the mood to hear his favorite music. Rocky woke up when we were about 20 miles from Wichita Falls.
"What time is Sammy and Corey leaving?" Rocky asked, stretching and yawning.
"She said she's trying to leave her job around the same time Corey gets off around 7. She's supposed to call when they're on the way." I answered.
Since I wasn't sure when I was going back to Dallas, Rocky made arrangements to leave with Sammy after the party. Corey had to work Sunday so they had no choice but to leave early Sunday morning.
"Good, she can help me get all that food to Amber's house if you don't come back." Rocky said, turning around to give Justine a treat.
"I already texted Forrest you might need help. He jumped on the opportunity..." I said, hintingly.
"That's nice of him." Rocky commented, passively.
"I think it's more than nice. He wants to spend time with you..." I alluded
"It's your food. He's doing you a favor. I think he wants to spend time with you." Rocky mocked me.
"Ewww, he doesn't. He told me he likes you." I admitted.
"What is this, middle school?" She fidgeted in the seat.
"No... he claims he tried to ask you out. Why didn't you tell me about that?" I asked, glancing to see her reaction.
Rocky's lips spread with a smile before she caught herself. "I thought he was just being nice."
"He is because he likes you..." I said, sing-songy. "He said he thought something was there. What do you think?"
"I think I'm focusing on being a mother." She quipped.
"That's not a no." I pointed it.
"It doesn't matter. It's bad timing." Rocky shook her head.
"It does matter. He's all rejected, thinking you shut him down and put him in the friend zone."
"He thinks I friend zoned him?" Rocky asked, surprised. "I thought he friend zoned me. Or at least, pregnant zoned me."
"Is that a thing?" I pondered.
"It is now. Shut the hell up." She snapped.
"Look, I'm the biggest naysayer because it'll make things weird for me. If you don't have feelings for him, let him down easy. But if there's something there, you both deserve to at least talk about it. Who knows what will happen."
"We'll see." Rocky replied, noncommittally. Right away I could see the slight changes in her attitude. She pulled out her make-up and gave herself a little black nose and whiskers around her face. She redid her braids up in a high ponytail. She looked energized that had nothing to do with her nap. I caught her smiling to herself numerous times the remainder of the drive.
"What?" She snapped at me when she caught me peeking at her.
"Nothing. We're almost there." I said.
"I know. I've been here a few times." Rocky said. "There's something I haven't told you."
I stiffened. "What is it?"
"Trevor doesn't want to be anything more than friends with you." Rocky informed me. She paused to gauge my reaction.
"I guessed that by the way he invited me. Anything else?" I said as I parked on Trevor's granny's street. There were a few cars already gather in front of her house. I had no idea how to get to the country so I planned to follow Trevor out.
"No... try to get him to tell you why. I think it's more than what he's been saying." Rocky urged me.
I nodded before I let Justine out the car. I let her play for a couple minutes as I swapped shoes before wrestling her into her tutu. Once she was unhappily dressed, I played with my wig, slipped on my bonnet, and applied a peachy lip gloss.
Rocky waited patiently for me as I double checked my appearance. "I'm ready." I finally told her before we headed to the door. We rang the doorbell and a few moments later, Trevor opened it holding a bowl of candy. He was dressed in a skeleton hoodie and loose fitting black jeans. Justine jumped up, paws on his legs, clamouring for his attention.
"Hey girl! Hey Justine!" Trevor put the candy down, kneeling to pet her. While he was being attacked with Justine's attention, I slowly studied him. It didn't pass my attention that he was wearing a skeleton hoodie and Jack from A Nightmare Before Christmas was a skeleton too. He looked great compared to when I last saw him. Still paler and thinner than normal, but he didn't seem as sickly or frail. He finally met my stare after his eyes ran over me a couple times too many to be "friendly". His eyes were a vibrant blue- I stared at them as he stared back at me. When Justine lost Trevor's attention, she darted into the house.
Trevor stood, calling after her."I got her." Rocky said, giving him a brief hug. "Happy Halloween." She smiled between us then chased after Justine.
"Nice costume." Trevor said. "Did you really dye your hair?"
"Maybe, you like it?" I questioned him, knowing he wouldn't. It wasn't for him though.
"I don't know yet." He said, diplomatically.
I smiled."What happened to the grim reaper?"
"Someone told me it was too morbid and I didn't want to scare the kids." He said.
"Eh, it's Halloween. Freaking people out is the point right?" I said, moving closer. The last time I saw him, he ignored all my acts of affection, but I couldn't be this close to him and not at least hug him once. I put my arms around him and hugged him tightly.
I was prepared to let him go after I rejoiced in the feel of his body against mine, but he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me back. It felt incredible to be in his arms again- like coming home after being gone for years.
"It's good to see you Lilypad." He said softly against my ear.
I lifted my head from his chest to tell him how much I missed him and how good he looked and sounded and felt... but I was stopped short by a chorus of "trick or treat" behind me.
I pulled away and turned to see a group of kids in costumes. Trevor squeezed my waist one more time before letting me go. He made the kids smile and laugh before letting them pick out candy. It was so adorable, the smile couldn't come off my face.
We went inside together and thankful, his mother was nowhere in site. Trevor announced kids were outside trick or treating. His cousins, their husbands and kids got ready to go out. When his granny told Trevor everyone else was outside, Trevor went to get them. Rocky, Bilal, Justine, Donovan, his wife Jennifer, and their kids came inside. They all huddled up to take pictures before the parents took their kids out trick or treating. Lisa took a picture of Trevor and Bilal together. Bilal was dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow with a wigs full of dreads that the kids keep trying to play with. He looked so uncomfortable, it made Rocky and me laugh at him.
Rocky and I trailed Bilal and Trevor to the country. Lisa would lead the second group to the party after they got done trick or treating. We stopped at Trevor's uncle's house to drop off Justine. Trevor took her down to the basement with food and water. I made sure there was nothing she could get into while Trevor put on a movie for her.
"Miley's really gonna watch a movie?" Bilal asked us.
"Just background noise. And her name is not Miley!" I corrected him.
The party was taking place at the recreational center Lisa and her husband ran. It was a few miles away through the land the house was on. We drove the rest of the way though it on Jimmy's golf cart. On the cart, Bilal told Rocky why he dubbed Justine Miley Cyrus. They both laughed and I was glad they were finally able to be normal around each other again.
J-Mike and Johnny were at the recreational center, finishing setting up the place. I was thrilled to see Cam, Jenna, and her sister Amanda made the trip. I gave them all a hug before examining their hard work. The entire rec was illuminated with black and strobe lights, neon beads, streamers and glow in the dark everything, everywhere. EDM blasted from the sound system as we looked around.
"Really? A rave?" Rocky asked.
"No. It's a frat party, right?" I asked Trevor. He nodded.
"How did you know that? That's exactly what Trevor wanted- a frat having a glow party." Amanda answered.
"Don't ask. They speak their own language." Cam said, sarcastically.
I beamed at Trevor. He got the idea from The Neighbors. I knew because we talked about it last year. We schemed how we could convince Amber to have a frat theme party, inspired by the movie.
"I brought that stuff you needed." Johnny told Trevor.
"Ok, where is it?" Trevor asked. The walked off and I watched them, suspiciously.
Jenna pulled me aside and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was ok, before moving along to explore. Everyone started to arrive and I met people Trevor went to high school with, people who went to his church and reconnected with everyone we went to college with. Eventually, I found a bench next to a ping pong table where J-Mike started a game of beer pong.
"I feel old. Are we too old for this or is it just me?" Rocky asked me.
"It's you. I'm not too old but I'm burnt out on drinking games though." Angela chimed in.
I grinned. "I didn't party in college, so I'm ok with beer pong. Trevor's having fun, that's the whole point."
They nodded, enthusiastically. J-Mike came out in a Riddler costume, spouting riddles and announcing there would be no sappy, sad bullshit at the party. So far, everyone was following the rules. It was working- every time I looked at Trevor, he was having a blast. I was having a great time watching him.
"Do you know that girl Bilal's hanging out with?" Angela asked. I tore my eyes away from Trevor to look at Bilal. I groaned when I recognized the girl he was with.
"I don't remember how they are related but she is related to his boss. She works for Black Reign." I informed them.
Rocky smirked. "He should have dressed up as Peter Pan. He will never grow up."
Angela burst out laughing. My phone rang so I didn't have to respond. It was Sammy, asking for directions. I got up and made my way over to Trevor so he could help. He stepped out with my phone to instruct them.
"Hey babydoll." J-Mike said, putting his arm around me. "Get it? Doll?"
"Clever. Any more riddles for me?" I asked, with a playful smile.
"Riddle me this- why aren't you and Trevor together?" He asked.
The smile faltered on my lips. "Because we broke up." I replied, lightly, hoping he'd get the hint I didn't want to talk about it.
"I get that. Why? You were the only person who knew he was sick... I'm curious, a lot of us are really, to what happened." He questioned.
"You, and anyone else curious, will have to ask Trevor." I said.
"But I'm asking you-"
"Excuse me." I said, walking away from him when I saw Sammy. I pushed my annoyance away as I greeted her. She handed me over my phone after I hugged her hello. She wasn't in costume, but looked sexy in a black mini dress and boots. I walked her over to the makeshift bar to get a drink.
I hadn't drank all night, now I really wanted alcohol to take the edge off. After my talk with J-Mike, I felt paranoid about what people were thinking or saying about me and Trevor. I reminded myself that the only person's opinion that matter was Trevor. I had to keep my emotions in check. Sammy made herself a vodka sour and I stuck with coke.
"Can I get one too?" Ian asked Sammy with a grin, watching her garnish her drink.
"Sorry. Off duty." Sammy responded.
"When are the honey bees moving to Austin?"
"Why? Aren't you on the road?" Sammy asked.
"Welcome home parties." Ian replied.
"Austin is going to be our next city sometime next year." Sammy confirmed.
"That means you're moving?"
"I don't know yet. I love Dallas." Sammy said.
Ian's phone rang, and he looked at it.
"Let's grab a seat and talk about it. You too Lily. You can tell her how great Austin is."
I rolled my eyes and followed them. Ian led us to a couch in the front reception area. He quickly sat next to Sammy, and pointed at a single seat near the wall for me.
"You're such a gentleman." I scowled at him.
"Thanks" He smiled. I sat down and placed my drink on the floor. When I sat back up, I felt an arm wrap around my neck from behind me. I gasped for air, clawing at the arm, trying to break away.
"Lily..." a deep voice growled at me. I was able to break free, turned around and was face to face with a creepy, all black hollowed face. Before I could rationalize anything, I jumped in fear, pushing the black clothed figure away and hopping out of the chair, knocking over my drink.
Laughter roared around me as the figure stood up from behind the chair. When I recognized the grim reaper costume, my fear subsided and was replaced with outrage.
"What the fuck Trevor?!? Why would you scare me?" I yelled.
He chuckled and removed his mask. "What happened to freaking people out on Halloween?"
"Not me! Fear is not a fun emotion for me. You know this!"
"Obviously not. You almost pushed my port out." Trevor rubbed his chest.
I instantly felt guilt and rushed to his side. "I'm so sorry. Is it ok?" I said, feeling his chest gently.
"I'm joking. It's actually on the other side." He said, grabbing my hands. It was such a simple gesture, but filed my body with warmth.
"You're not funny!" I pretended to scold him so he wouldn't let me go.
"It's a little funny." He argued, smiling, his blue eyes twinkling with mischief.
I tried to hold in my smile, but failed. "Whatever!"
After I cleaned up, we sat around, played games and partied until 2am. I was beyond ecstatic that Trevor didn't leave my side the rest of the night. As we started to leave, everyone complained about being hungry, considering all J-Mike provided was alcohol, chips and cupcakes. The only places still open were in Wichita Falls. While everyone grouped up with a sober drivers, Trevor offered to take me to his uncle's house to get Justine and my car before we went to eat.
"Are you driving home tonight?" Trevor asked me when we went down to his uncle's house.
"I don't know. Amanda offered for me to stay with her in her room but I don't know if the hotel is dog friendly." I said, softly.
"I can keep Justine."
"Is your granny ok with dogs?"
"Yeah, she won't have a problem, but I'm staying here tonight anyway."
"Ok, I guess I'll stay then." I smiled. When we walked into the basement, I began to plot how I could spend more time alone with Trevor. Tonight was probably the best chance since he wasn't going back to his grandma's house. Justine's head popped up briefly before she laid back down.
"Can we let her sleep til the end of the movie? It's almost over." I asked, flopping down on a bean bag.
"Aren't you hungry?" He asked.
"Not at all."
"Are you sure? I can get J-Mike to bring us something back." Trevor offered.
"I'm really ok, but have him bring you something." I said quickly, loving the idea of not joining the rest of them at all.
"I'm good too." Trevor sat on a bean bag next to me.
I turned to face him. "How's your mouth feeling?"
He kept his eyes on the T.V. "My mouth is fine. The rinse really helps."
"How's you appetite?When's the last time you ate?" I continued.
He turned to look at me. "You're breaking J-Mike's rules."
"Aw, fuck J-Mike." I claimed.
"Well for me- Can we talk about the cancer stuff tomorrow? I love this part." He said, nodding to the screen.
"Technically it is tomorrow, but ok." I turned back to the screen. "The Oogie Boogie Man? He was the worst! You love this part? What's wrong with you?"
"Santa brought me sports equipment when I was a kid. I liked seeing him get his ass kicked." Trevor chuckled.
I laughed too. "What do you want for Christmas this year?"
"I don't know. I know what I want right now." Trevor answered.
I turned to him, my stomach clenching with excitement. I tried to remind myself that we needed to discuss why he broke up with me, and how we move forward in our relationship together. We needed to figure out what went wrong and how to make sure it didn't happen again. We needed to talk...
"What- do you want?" My own voice husky to my own ears.
"Take that wig off." He requested.
"What makes you think it's a wig?" I said, taking the bonnet off.
"It flew up when you got scared." He teased.
"Shut up." I smiled, pulling off the wig. I ran my fingers through my hair while Trevor watched.
"Thank you." He said, simply. I just smiled at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing. We returned our attention back on the screen.
After 30 Minutes, the movie came to an end, with Jack and Sally singing together about how they were simply meant to be. "This is my favorite song ever." I said.
Trevor didn't respond and I looked over at him. He was sleeping soundly. I moved in closer and pressed my lips against his. It was only a second or 2, but when I pulled back, Trevor's eyes were open and he was staring at my lips.
"Sorry-" I flushed. "I mean, good nig-" I said, hastily. I didn't get to finish because he pressed his lips back against mine. I told myself we would talk about everything tomorrow, er, today- as I kissed him back.
If you don't mind
I'd like to join you by your side
Where we could gaze into the stars
And sit together now and forever
For it is plain as anyone could see
We're simply meant to be" Jack and Sally Song from The Nightmare Before Christmas
I stood in the mirror Saturday, looking over my make-up one more time. My lashes were longer and curled with mascara, my eyes brightened with creamy, shimmering taupe shadow and defined with dark brown liner, and my skin appeared flawless with foundation, concealer, and rosy cheeks. All painstakingly applied to compliment my ragdoll costume.
I patted down the skirt of my dress, admiring it in the mirror. As soon as I got of the phone with Trevor, I headed to the Halloween store. I went to 4 different Halloween shops before I finally picked a costume. I really wanted to be Sally from a Nightmare Before Christmas, but with no Jack, I settled on a rag doll. After all, Sally is a rag doll too. Mine was just a little sexier and less creepy.
I readjusted the wig on my head, pulling it into two low side ponytails. Sally had red hair, but I bought a golden blonde wig for Mama Tobin. It made me feel more confident that at one point, Trevor chose me over a relationship with her. Calling her Mama in my head was a big fuck you to her if I had to see her.
I grabbed my overnight bag. It had my black booties, a change of clothes for me and Justine's outfit as well. She wasn't going to be Zero, the ghost dog, but a dog dressed up as a ghost. Her costume consisted of a white tutu with ghosts on it. I slipped on my flip flops before heading to Rocky's living room where she was waiting for me.
"About time." She said, standing up and grabbing her purse.
"Sorry... I actually dressed up." I said, eying her jeans and red long sleeved top. She wore her werewolf ears headband and furry leg warmers that came with the costume she was wearing to Amber's party.
"I did too... I'm just not trying to impress anyone." Rocky countered, giving me a look as we walked out to my car.
I wasn't trying to impress anyone... just convince Trevor of his mistakes of breaking up with me and thinking we could be only friends. There was a difference. Subtle, but different.
"How do I look?- Considering I'm running off 5 hours of sleep?" I asked, getting into the car after I put Justine in the backseat. I spent all night Friday and the majority of my day Saturday cooking with Rocky for Amber's party.
"You look great. Now be quiet while I get some rest." Rocky commanded.
Rocky was sleep before we were out of Dallas. I played classic rock softly in the car as I drove to Wichita Falls. Trevor and I took turns listening to music when we made the drive and I was in the mood to hear his favorite music. Rocky woke up when we were about 20 miles from Wichita Falls.
"What time is Sammy and Corey leaving?" Rocky asked, stretching and yawning.
"She said she's trying to leave her job around the same time Corey gets off around 7. She's supposed to call when they're on the way." I answered.
Since I wasn't sure when I was going back to Dallas, Rocky made arrangements to leave with Sammy after the party. Corey had to work Sunday so they had no choice but to leave early Sunday morning.
"Good, she can help me get all that food to Amber's house if you don't come back." Rocky said, turning around to give Justine a treat.
"I already texted Forrest you might need help. He jumped on the opportunity..." I said, hintingly.
"That's nice of him." Rocky commented, passively.
"I think it's more than nice. He wants to spend time with you..." I alluded
"It's your food. He's doing you a favor. I think he wants to spend time with you." Rocky mocked me.
"Ewww, he doesn't. He told me he likes you." I admitted.
"What is this, middle school?" She fidgeted in the seat.
"No... he claims he tried to ask you out. Why didn't you tell me about that?" I asked, glancing to see her reaction.
Rocky's lips spread with a smile before she caught herself. "I thought he was just being nice."
"He is because he likes you..." I said, sing-songy. "He said he thought something was there. What do you think?"
"I think I'm focusing on being a mother." She quipped.
"That's not a no." I pointed it.
"It doesn't matter. It's bad timing." Rocky shook her head.
"It does matter. He's all rejected, thinking you shut him down and put him in the friend zone."
"He thinks I friend zoned him?" Rocky asked, surprised. "I thought he friend zoned me. Or at least, pregnant zoned me."
"Is that a thing?" I pondered.
"It is now. Shut the hell up." She snapped.
"Look, I'm the biggest naysayer because it'll make things weird for me. If you don't have feelings for him, let him down easy. But if there's something there, you both deserve to at least talk about it. Who knows what will happen."
"We'll see." Rocky replied, noncommittally. Right away I could see the slight changes in her attitude. She pulled out her make-up and gave herself a little black nose and whiskers around her face. She redid her braids up in a high ponytail. She looked energized that had nothing to do with her nap. I caught her smiling to herself numerous times the remainder of the drive.
"What?" She snapped at me when she caught me peeking at her.
"Nothing. We're almost there." I said.
"I know. I've been here a few times." Rocky said. "There's something I haven't told you."
I stiffened. "What is it?"
"Trevor doesn't want to be anything more than friends with you." Rocky informed me. She paused to gauge my reaction.
"I guessed that by the way he invited me. Anything else?" I said as I parked on Trevor's granny's street. There were a few cars already gather in front of her house. I had no idea how to get to the country so I planned to follow Trevor out.
"No... try to get him to tell you why. I think it's more than what he's been saying." Rocky urged me.
I nodded before I let Justine out the car. I let her play for a couple minutes as I swapped shoes before wrestling her into her tutu. Once she was unhappily dressed, I played with my wig, slipped on my bonnet, and applied a peachy lip gloss.
Rocky waited patiently for me as I double checked my appearance. "I'm ready." I finally told her before we headed to the door. We rang the doorbell and a few moments later, Trevor opened it holding a bowl of candy. He was dressed in a skeleton hoodie and loose fitting black jeans. Justine jumped up, paws on his legs, clamouring for his attention.
"Hey girl! Hey Justine!" Trevor put the candy down, kneeling to pet her. While he was being attacked with Justine's attention, I slowly studied him. It didn't pass my attention that he was wearing a skeleton hoodie and Jack from A Nightmare Before Christmas was a skeleton too. He looked great compared to when I last saw him. Still paler and thinner than normal, but he didn't seem as sickly or frail. He finally met my stare after his eyes ran over me a couple times too many to be "friendly". His eyes were a vibrant blue- I stared at them as he stared back at me. When Justine lost Trevor's attention, she darted into the house.
Trevor stood, calling after her."I got her." Rocky said, giving him a brief hug. "Happy Halloween." She smiled between us then chased after Justine.
"Nice costume." Trevor said. "Did you really dye your hair?"
"Maybe, you like it?" I questioned him, knowing he wouldn't. It wasn't for him though.
"I don't know yet." He said, diplomatically.
I smiled."What happened to the grim reaper?"
"Someone told me it was too morbid and I didn't want to scare the kids." He said.
"Eh, it's Halloween. Freaking people out is the point right?" I said, moving closer. The last time I saw him, he ignored all my acts of affection, but I couldn't be this close to him and not at least hug him once. I put my arms around him and hugged him tightly.
I was prepared to let him go after I rejoiced in the feel of his body against mine, but he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me back. It felt incredible to be in his arms again- like coming home after being gone for years.
"It's good to see you Lilypad." He said softly against my ear.
I lifted my head from his chest to tell him how much I missed him and how good he looked and sounded and felt... but I was stopped short by a chorus of "trick or treat" behind me.
I pulled away and turned to see a group of kids in costumes. Trevor squeezed my waist one more time before letting me go. He made the kids smile and laugh before letting them pick out candy. It was so adorable, the smile couldn't come off my face.
We went inside together and thankful, his mother was nowhere in site. Trevor announced kids were outside trick or treating. His cousins, their husbands and kids got ready to go out. When his granny told Trevor everyone else was outside, Trevor went to get them. Rocky, Bilal, Justine, Donovan, his wife Jennifer, and their kids came inside. They all huddled up to take pictures before the parents took their kids out trick or treating. Lisa took a picture of Trevor and Bilal together. Bilal was dressed up as Captain Jack Sparrow with a wigs full of dreads that the kids keep trying to play with. He looked so uncomfortable, it made Rocky and me laugh at him.
Rocky and I trailed Bilal and Trevor to the country. Lisa would lead the second group to the party after they got done trick or treating. We stopped at Trevor's uncle's house to drop off Justine. Trevor took her down to the basement with food and water. I made sure there was nothing she could get into while Trevor put on a movie for her.
"Miley's really gonna watch a movie?" Bilal asked us.
"Just background noise. And her name is not Miley!" I corrected him.
The party was taking place at the recreational center Lisa and her husband ran. It was a few miles away through the land the house was on. We drove the rest of the way though it on Jimmy's golf cart. On the cart, Bilal told Rocky why he dubbed Justine Miley Cyrus. They both laughed and I was glad they were finally able to be normal around each other again.
J-Mike and Johnny were at the recreational center, finishing setting up the place. I was thrilled to see Cam, Jenna, and her sister Amanda made the trip. I gave them all a hug before examining their hard work. The entire rec was illuminated with black and strobe lights, neon beads, streamers and glow in the dark everything, everywhere. EDM blasted from the sound system as we looked around.
"Really? A rave?" Rocky asked.
"No. It's a frat party, right?" I asked Trevor. He nodded.
"How did you know that? That's exactly what Trevor wanted- a frat having a glow party." Amanda answered.
"Don't ask. They speak their own language." Cam said, sarcastically.
I beamed at Trevor. He got the idea from The Neighbors. I knew because we talked about it last year. We schemed how we could convince Amber to have a frat theme party, inspired by the movie.
"I brought that stuff you needed." Johnny told Trevor.
"Ok, where is it?" Trevor asked. The walked off and I watched them, suspiciously.
Jenna pulled me aside and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was ok, before moving along to explore. Everyone started to arrive and I met people Trevor went to high school with, people who went to his church and reconnected with everyone we went to college with. Eventually, I found a bench next to a ping pong table where J-Mike started a game of beer pong.
"I feel old. Are we too old for this or is it just me?" Rocky asked me.
"It's you. I'm not too old but I'm burnt out on drinking games though." Angela chimed in.
I grinned. "I didn't party in college, so I'm ok with beer pong. Trevor's having fun, that's the whole point."
They nodded, enthusiastically. J-Mike came out in a Riddler costume, spouting riddles and announcing there would be no sappy, sad bullshit at the party. So far, everyone was following the rules. It was working- every time I looked at Trevor, he was having a blast. I was having a great time watching him.
"Do you know that girl Bilal's hanging out with?" Angela asked. I tore my eyes away from Trevor to look at Bilal. I groaned when I recognized the girl he was with.
"I don't remember how they are related but she is related to his boss. She works for Black Reign." I informed them.
Rocky smirked. "He should have dressed up as Peter Pan. He will never grow up."
Angela burst out laughing. My phone rang so I didn't have to respond. It was Sammy, asking for directions. I got up and made my way over to Trevor so he could help. He stepped out with my phone to instruct them.
"Hey babydoll." J-Mike said, putting his arm around me. "Get it? Doll?"
"Clever. Any more riddles for me?" I asked, with a playful smile.
"Riddle me this- why aren't you and Trevor together?" He asked.
The smile faltered on my lips. "Because we broke up." I replied, lightly, hoping he'd get the hint I didn't want to talk about it.
"I get that. Why? You were the only person who knew he was sick... I'm curious, a lot of us are really, to what happened." He questioned.
"You, and anyone else curious, will have to ask Trevor." I said.
"But I'm asking you-"
"Excuse me." I said, walking away from him when I saw Sammy. I pushed my annoyance away as I greeted her. She handed me over my phone after I hugged her hello. She wasn't in costume, but looked sexy in a black mini dress and boots. I walked her over to the makeshift bar to get a drink.
I hadn't drank all night, now I really wanted alcohol to take the edge off. After my talk with J-Mike, I felt paranoid about what people were thinking or saying about me and Trevor. I reminded myself that the only person's opinion that matter was Trevor. I had to keep my emotions in check. Sammy made herself a vodka sour and I stuck with coke.
"Can I get one too?" Ian asked Sammy with a grin, watching her garnish her drink.
"Sorry. Off duty." Sammy responded.
"When are the honey bees moving to Austin?"
"Why? Aren't you on the road?" Sammy asked.
"Welcome home parties." Ian replied.
"Austin is going to be our next city sometime next year." Sammy confirmed.
"That means you're moving?"
"I don't know yet. I love Dallas." Sammy said.
Ian's phone rang, and he looked at it.
"Let's grab a seat and talk about it. You too Lily. You can tell her how great Austin is."
I rolled my eyes and followed them. Ian led us to a couch in the front reception area. He quickly sat next to Sammy, and pointed at a single seat near the wall for me.
"You're such a gentleman." I scowled at him.
"Thanks" He smiled. I sat down and placed my drink on the floor. When I sat back up, I felt an arm wrap around my neck from behind me. I gasped for air, clawing at the arm, trying to break away.
"Lily..." a deep voice growled at me. I was able to break free, turned around and was face to face with a creepy, all black hollowed face. Before I could rationalize anything, I jumped in fear, pushing the black clothed figure away and hopping out of the chair, knocking over my drink.
Laughter roared around me as the figure stood up from behind the chair. When I recognized the grim reaper costume, my fear subsided and was replaced with outrage.
"What the fuck Trevor?!? Why would you scare me?" I yelled.
He chuckled and removed his mask. "What happened to freaking people out on Halloween?"
"Not me! Fear is not a fun emotion for me. You know this!"
"Obviously not. You almost pushed my port out." Trevor rubbed his chest.
I instantly felt guilt and rushed to his side. "I'm so sorry. Is it ok?" I said, feeling his chest gently.
"I'm joking. It's actually on the other side." He said, grabbing my hands. It was such a simple gesture, but filed my body with warmth.
"You're not funny!" I pretended to scold him so he wouldn't let me go.
"It's a little funny." He argued, smiling, his blue eyes twinkling with mischief.
I tried to hold in my smile, but failed. "Whatever!"
After I cleaned up, we sat around, played games and partied until 2am. I was beyond ecstatic that Trevor didn't leave my side the rest of the night. As we started to leave, everyone complained about being hungry, considering all J-Mike provided was alcohol, chips and cupcakes. The only places still open were in Wichita Falls. While everyone grouped up with a sober drivers, Trevor offered to take me to his uncle's house to get Justine and my car before we went to eat.
"Are you driving home tonight?" Trevor asked me when we went down to his uncle's house.
"I don't know. Amanda offered for me to stay with her in her room but I don't know if the hotel is dog friendly." I said, softly.
"I can keep Justine."
"Is your granny ok with dogs?"
"Yeah, she won't have a problem, but I'm staying here tonight anyway."
"Ok, I guess I'll stay then." I smiled. When we walked into the basement, I began to plot how I could spend more time alone with Trevor. Tonight was probably the best chance since he wasn't going back to his grandma's house. Justine's head popped up briefly before she laid back down.
"Can we let her sleep til the end of the movie? It's almost over." I asked, flopping down on a bean bag.
"Aren't you hungry?" He asked.
"Not at all."
"Are you sure? I can get J-Mike to bring us something back." Trevor offered.
"I'm really ok, but have him bring you something." I said quickly, loving the idea of not joining the rest of them at all.
"I'm good too." Trevor sat on a bean bag next to me.
I turned to face him. "How's your mouth feeling?"
He kept his eyes on the T.V. "My mouth is fine. The rinse really helps."
"How's you appetite?When's the last time you ate?" I continued.
He turned to look at me. "You're breaking J-Mike's rules."
"Aw, fuck J-Mike." I claimed.
"Well for me- Can we talk about the cancer stuff tomorrow? I love this part." He said, nodding to the screen.
"Technically it is tomorrow, but ok." I turned back to the screen. "The Oogie Boogie Man? He was the worst! You love this part? What's wrong with you?"
"Santa brought me sports equipment when I was a kid. I liked seeing him get his ass kicked." Trevor chuckled.
I laughed too. "What do you want for Christmas this year?"
"I don't know. I know what I want right now." Trevor answered.
I turned to him, my stomach clenching with excitement. I tried to remind myself that we needed to discuss why he broke up with me, and how we move forward in our relationship together. We needed to figure out what went wrong and how to make sure it didn't happen again. We needed to talk...
"What- do you want?" My own voice husky to my own ears.
"Take that wig off." He requested.
"What makes you think it's a wig?" I said, taking the bonnet off.
"It flew up when you got scared." He teased.
"Shut up." I smiled, pulling off the wig. I ran my fingers through my hair while Trevor watched.
"Thank you." He said, simply. I just smiled at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing. We returned our attention back on the screen.
After 30 Minutes, the movie came to an end, with Jack and Sally singing together about how they were simply meant to be. "This is my favorite song ever." I said.
Trevor didn't respond and I looked over at him. He was sleeping soundly. I moved in closer and pressed my lips against his. It was only a second or 2, but when I pulled back, Trevor's eyes were open and he was staring at my lips.
"Sorry-" I flushed. "I mean, good nig-" I said, hastily. I didn't get to finish because he pressed his lips back against mine. I told myself we would talk about everything tomorrow, er, today- as I kissed him back.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
2 Heads
"I turn to you, you’re all I see
Our love’s a monster with 2 Heads and one heartbeat
I turn to you, you’re all I see
Our love’s a monster with 2 Heads and one heartbeat
We just got caught up in the moment
Why don’t you call me in the morning instead
Before we turn into a monster
Before we turn into a monster with 2 Heads
I hope to god I’ll love you harder
I hope to god I’ll love you longer
If only I could live forever
If only I could hold you longer" 2 Heads by Coleman Hell
"I like the Egyptian looking one- the head cheerleader. What's her name?" Rocky asked, between bites of chili, drenched with hot sauce. It was the only craving she had- hot sauce on top of everything. I told her she should just take shots from the bottle numerous times.
Krista jumped all over Rocky. "That's Cleo De Nile and I'm going to be her. April is going to be my assistant Gholia. You have to be someone else!" Krista said, menacing with her hands on her hip before Amber or I could correct Rocky's grave mistake.
Rocky looked over at me and Amber and we shook our heads. We both knew it was coming. Before we even played the Monster High DVD, Krista informed me who she was going to be and that none one else can be her. Rocky missed that lecture because she joined us later after she got back from Wichita Falls.
"Fine. How 'bout the werewolf girl? Am I allowed to be her?" Rocky question Krista, cocking her head to the side.
"Yes you can." Krista responded, haughtily.
Rocky smirked. "Thanks for your permission."
"You're welcome." Krista mimicked Rocky and smiled.
Amber, Rocky and I suppressed our giggles when she returned back to watching the show. We went into the kitchen to laugh privately.
"I hope there's enough characters for everyone. Krista's gonna cut someone if they dress up like her." I teased.
"That's why I'm telling everyone to dress up like their favorite monster. It's going to be a Monster High ball." Amber smiled, excitedly.
Amber continued to go over how she wanted the party set up. Inside, the kitchen was to be a cafeteria serving gross out food. The living room would have games and activities for the kids and outside would be the ball set up, complete with a photo area for the 'fear'book she wanted to compose and music. Rocky volunteered to run the photo booth and I would lend my services to the kid's games.
"Stick with the food Lily." Rocky instructed me.
"Why? I wanna host the games. That's fun for me." Dealing with the kids did sound more entertaining than being bothered with the adults and well wishes and questions about Trevor...
"Trust me and do the food. Beforehand. I'll help." Rocky said cryptically.
"Not unless you tell me why." I countered.
"You're going to have plans Saturday night." Rocky offered.
"You know me. Tim Burton and chill." I nodded.
That was how I spent Halloween growing up. Binging on candy and watching A Nightmare Before Christmas was my tradition.
I turned to Amber. "The kids can hang out with me. If Will is ok with it, we can go to Rocky's house and hand out candy. "
"Trevor is having a Halloween party." Rocky blurted out.
"What?" How did he go from not wanting anyone to know to having a party?
"Next week is Trevor rest week. It's the best time to come see him because he doesn't want everyone visiting during his 1st week of chemo. It coincides with Halloween. You know J-Mike- any excuse to throw a party." Rocky explained.
"And J-Mike invited her? Or Trevor?" Amber asked.
Rocky stood up straight."They said anyone who wants to come visit."
My hopes deflated."You just said this is a good week for him. I'm not going to ruin that for him if he doesn't want me there." I replied.
Amber and Rocky both gave disapproving looks. "Rocky, I'm going to wait for him to reach out to me. If he wants me there, I'll be there. That doesn't mean I'm going to just sit around waiting for him Amber. I hear you both." I conceded.
"Ok, let's refocus on my party's guests list!" Amber ordered.
I forced myself to focus on Amber's party and not Trevor. The usually suspects were on the list: Sammy, Corey, Gigi, Serena, Ethan, Peyton and Chris. Dino as well, which might mean Jake because they were still dating. Amber told me to invite Forrest and Rocky to invite Brandon.
When Rocky nodded, I cut in. "I'm sorry, why Brandon?" I asked, bluntly.
"We announced my pregnancy to his parents on Friday. We decided to have a fresh start- as friends and co-parents only." Rocky explained.
"Ok... but the baby isn't here yet." I pointed out.
"Friends Lily." Rocky reminded me.
"Besides, I told Dino she could invite Kelly and Omar. It wouldn't be right not to invite Brandon too." Amber told me.
I scowled. I couldn't help it. It was bad enough being around my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Being around my ex and new nemesis (Omar and Brandon, respectively) was too much.
"Fix your face Lily. I've learned to forgive and forget. Life is whatever you make it. Let's make this a fun party." Rocky smiled encouragingly.
"Ok." I agreed, while plotting what foods I could make in advance so I could spend the weekend in Wichita Falls with Trevor.
"Should I invite Richard? Or Dominick?" Amber teased, interrupting my thoughts of Trevor.
I gave her a smile. "Invite whoever you want." Hopefully, I wouldn't be there. All I needed was Trevor to invite me to the party...
I spent the next couple of days wishing for Trevor to call and trying to move forward with my life. Chad called me and we moved forward on closing on the house. I figured regardless of what happened with Trevor, it was an investment. I wasn't sure what type of investment- my future or financially- but either way it went it would be all mine and I couldn't help being proud of myself.
The contract was endless and I couldn't understand any of the legal jargon on it. I was hesitant to sign. Chad went over the basics with me, but advised me if I wanted to I could have a lawyer look over it. Tuesday after I got off work, I met up with Forrest to find Halloween costumes. I was going to go with Rocky, but she invited Brandon so I bailed. I asked Forrest about hiring a lawyer when he bought his house.
"Nope. Chad went over the paperwork with me and I signed." Forrest said as we walked up and down the aisle looking over the costumes.
"I feel kinda weird signing something I can't read." I responded.
"What I took away from it was the interest rate, don't break the contract, and pay on time. It's worked for me so far." Forrest offered with a smile.
"As helpful as you are, I'll have Rocky look over it." I said, before a dog costume caught my eye. "Aww, Justine would look so cute in this!" I said, holding up a Elmo costume. I wanted Justine to be Zero, the ghost dog from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it felt wrong without Jack and Sally.
"Let's me see if I can find a cookie monster costume for me." I smiled. We passed by the men's on the way to the women's section. "Don't you need to look? What are you going to be?"
"I need face paint for a zombie. That'll work for Gabriel's and Amber's party. I'm gonna wear my wedding tux with it. Like I was left for dead at the altar." Forrest joked.
I looked up at him from the women's costumes "So we can laugh about that now?"
"I can." He stated. "You said cookie monster, but I think this fits you better."
He held up a cute Oscar the Grouch costume. I laughed.
"I love it."
"Are you doing two costumes or one?" Forrest asked as I dug for my size.
"One party, so one." I replied, keeping my mouth closed about Trevor's possible invite. I was sure he wouldn't be thrilled I was waiting for a call from Trevor, even though I was making plans without him too.
"You don't want to go to Gabriel's?"
"I wasn't aware I was invited."
"If I am, you are. Rocky too."
I made a face.
"What was that face for?" He stopped me.
"She's hanging with Brandon again."
"Oh. No wonder." Forrest said, thoughtfully.
"No wonder what?"
"I asked her out last week. She turned me down." he confessed.
I looked at him, shocked. "What?" Why was I just now hearing about this? Why wouldn't Rocky tell me? Were they keeping secrets from me? "When?"
"The night you went to see Trevor."
"Tell me, verbatim, what happened." I ordered.
After he did, I shook my head- partially relieved and bewildered.
"What?"
"That doesn't sound like you asked her out. I mean, I wouldn't have took it that way. For future reference, don't ask out a girl and bring up the fact she's pregnant by another dude Romeo." I scoffed.
Forrest cheeks flushed. "I don't care about that. I mean, I do, but it's not a deal breaker for me."
I huffed. "How big of you."
"I meant, it doesn't turn me off-" He tried to continue. I made a gagging sound.
"Eww, I don't wanna hear about your sex fetishes." I said, loudly, enjoying his discomfort.
"Forget I said anything." He said, his shoulders slumping in defeat. I instantly felt bad.
"I'm sorry. It's just weird. She is pregnant and her hormones are all over the place. It's making her indecisive. One day she wants nothing to do with Brandon, the next, she wants a fresh start. I don't know what she wants regarding him. I don't know if she knows either. You need someone who knows what she wants after Rachel." I elaborated.
"We've talked about Brandon and Rachel in general. I don't think she's getting back together with him. She just wants what's best for her kid. A dad in his or her life like she didn't have."
"She told you that?" I asked, stunned they had in dept conversations like that. Rocky hadn't said anything like that to me... or maybe she did and I was too caught up in Trevor...
"Yeah. We talk. I mean, really talk. I thought there was something there."
I heaved a heavy sigh. "You know you two dating puts me in an extremely uncomfortable position? My loyalty would be with her."
"I'm thinking she friend zoned me anyway so it doesn't matter." He said disappointed. It reminded me of myself, pinning over Trevor during college. It sucked. I didn't want that for him.
"I'll talk to her and find out for sure." I offered.
"You don't have to-"
"I know. I want to." I cut him off. "You've such a great friend, the least I could do is pimp out my best friend to you."
"You don't even need a costume- your mouth is like a trash can. Just spewing with trash."
I laughed out loud at him. "Scram!" I shooed him away as we went to check out.
I spent Wednesday before I went to work with Amber going over game ideas and finalizing the menu for the party. By Thursday, I was coming to terms that I would be spending Halloween night alone. I was driving home from work when I received a call from Trevor. I pulled into a gas station and answered it as soon as I was in park.
"Hello?" I said, evenly keeping my nerves out of my voice.
"Hey Lily. It's Trevor." He said clearly over the phone.
"I know." I breathed. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, I wanted to call because we're having a get together at my Uncle's house." He dove right in. Considering the last time we spoke and his rage, his calm demeanor was odd to me.
"Oh yeah, when is it?" I said, casually like I didn't know, wanting to feel him out a little more.
"This Saturday. Halloween. Sorry it's last minute. J-Mike's not the best at planning. I understand if you have plans."
"It's perfectly fine. I don't. I mean, not anything important." I scrambled."Is it like a costume party or a party that happens to be on Halloween?"
"Costume. Definitely costume, but you don't have to dress up if you don't want to."
"I do want to. Umm, what are you dressing up as?" I prolonged the conversation.
"The grim reaper. It won't take much and I get to wear a hood." He replied.
I didn't know if he was joking, but I didn't find it funny at all. "That's morbid." I commented, weakly.
"That's one way to look at it."
"What's another way?" I challenged.
"Reality. The great equalizer. Fate."
"Hmmph. Does the grim reaper have a companion?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Nope. Death hangs solo."
"Maybe I'll come as an angel then. Just to balance you out." I commented. There was a moment of silence.
"I'm pretty sure that's what J-Mike is coming as- A Victoria secret one." Trevor finally said.
"Oh God, are you trying to talk me outta coming, because your about to achieve your goal." I said, disgusted by the mental image.
Trevor chuckled. It was the sweetest sound I heard in months. "Aren't you dressing up as a monster for Amber's party anyway?" Trevor asked.
"I am. I'm going to be Oscar the Grouch. Might be too juvenile for your party. Although, Justine first costume is going to be Elmo." I answered.
"I thought you would dress her up as Zero."
I smiled. "I wanted to, but not without Jack. I always thought Jack and Sally was the best couples costume."
After a tense moment of silence, Trevor began again. "I can't wait to see her in any costume."
"I'll make sure she's there then." I said, curtly. I couldn't help being hurt at his indifference of me being there.
"Lily." He started. "I wanted to do this in person, but it needs to be said."
I didn't say anything, I just listened.
"We've been friends longer than we've been anything else. I forgot that for awhile and I'm sorry. Thank you for everything that you've done. I want all my friends to be here. I-I can't wait to see you too." He finished.
"I can't wait either." I concurred, not letting his friends talk dissuade me. Our love was bigger than friends- It was monstrous and strong enough to endure anything thrown our way. I just had to keep showing him.
Our love’s a monster with 2 Heads and one heartbeat
I turn to you, you’re all I see
Our love’s a monster with 2 Heads and one heartbeat
We just got caught up in the moment
Why don’t you call me in the morning instead
Before we turn into a monster
Before we turn into a monster with 2 Heads
I hope to god I’ll love you harder
I hope to god I’ll love you longer
If only I could live forever
If only I could hold you longer" 2 Heads by Coleman Hell
"I like the Egyptian looking one- the head cheerleader. What's her name?" Rocky asked, between bites of chili, drenched with hot sauce. It was the only craving she had- hot sauce on top of everything. I told her she should just take shots from the bottle numerous times.
Krista jumped all over Rocky. "That's Cleo De Nile and I'm going to be her. April is going to be my assistant Gholia. You have to be someone else!" Krista said, menacing with her hands on her hip before Amber or I could correct Rocky's grave mistake.
Rocky looked over at me and Amber and we shook our heads. We both knew it was coming. Before we even played the Monster High DVD, Krista informed me who she was going to be and that none one else can be her. Rocky missed that lecture because she joined us later after she got back from Wichita Falls.
"Fine. How 'bout the werewolf girl? Am I allowed to be her?" Rocky question Krista, cocking her head to the side.
"Yes you can." Krista responded, haughtily.
"You're welcome." Krista mimicked Rocky and smiled.
Amber, Rocky and I suppressed our giggles when she returned back to watching the show. We went into the kitchen to laugh privately.
"I hope there's enough characters for everyone. Krista's gonna cut someone if they dress up like her." I teased.
"That's why I'm telling everyone to dress up like their favorite monster. It's going to be a Monster High ball." Amber smiled, excitedly.
Amber continued to go over how she wanted the party set up. Inside, the kitchen was to be a cafeteria serving gross out food. The living room would have games and activities for the kids and outside would be the ball set up, complete with a photo area for the 'fear'book she wanted to compose and music. Rocky volunteered to run the photo booth and I would lend my services to the kid's games.
"Stick with the food Lily." Rocky instructed me.
"Why? I wanna host the games. That's fun for me." Dealing with the kids did sound more entertaining than being bothered with the adults and well wishes and questions about Trevor...
"Trust me and do the food. Beforehand. I'll help." Rocky said cryptically.
"Not unless you tell me why." I countered.
"You're going to have plans Saturday night." Rocky offered.
"You know me. Tim Burton and chill." I nodded.
That was how I spent Halloween growing up. Binging on candy and watching A Nightmare Before Christmas was my tradition.
I turned to Amber. "The kids can hang out with me. If Will is ok with it, we can go to Rocky's house and hand out candy. "
"Trevor is having a Halloween party." Rocky blurted out.
"What?" How did he go from not wanting anyone to know to having a party?
"Next week is Trevor rest week. It's the best time to come see him because he doesn't want everyone visiting during his 1st week of chemo. It coincides with Halloween. You know J-Mike- any excuse to throw a party." Rocky explained.
"And J-Mike invited her? Or Trevor?" Amber asked.
Rocky stood up straight."They said anyone who wants to come visit."
My hopes deflated."You just said this is a good week for him. I'm not going to ruin that for him if he doesn't want me there." I replied.
Amber and Rocky both gave disapproving looks. "Rocky, I'm going to wait for him to reach out to me. If he wants me there, I'll be there. That doesn't mean I'm going to just sit around waiting for him Amber. I hear you both." I conceded.
"Ok, let's refocus on my party's guests list!" Amber ordered.
I forced myself to focus on Amber's party and not Trevor. The usually suspects were on the list: Sammy, Corey, Gigi, Serena, Ethan, Peyton and Chris. Dino as well, which might mean Jake because they were still dating. Amber told me to invite Forrest and Rocky to invite Brandon.
When Rocky nodded, I cut in. "I'm sorry, why Brandon?" I asked, bluntly.
"We announced my pregnancy to his parents on Friday. We decided to have a fresh start- as friends and co-parents only." Rocky explained.
"Ok... but the baby isn't here yet." I pointed out.
"Friends Lily." Rocky reminded me.
"Besides, I told Dino she could invite Kelly and Omar. It wouldn't be right not to invite Brandon too." Amber told me.
I scowled. I couldn't help it. It was bad enough being around my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Being around my ex and new nemesis (Omar and Brandon, respectively) was too much.
"Fix your face Lily. I've learned to forgive and forget. Life is whatever you make it. Let's make this a fun party." Rocky smiled encouragingly.
"Ok." I agreed, while plotting what foods I could make in advance so I could spend the weekend in Wichita Falls with Trevor.
"Should I invite Richard? Or Dominick?" Amber teased, interrupting my thoughts of Trevor.
I gave her a smile. "Invite whoever you want." Hopefully, I wouldn't be there. All I needed was Trevor to invite me to the party...
I spent the next couple of days wishing for Trevor to call and trying to move forward with my life. Chad called me and we moved forward on closing on the house. I figured regardless of what happened with Trevor, it was an investment. I wasn't sure what type of investment- my future or financially- but either way it went it would be all mine and I couldn't help being proud of myself.
The contract was endless and I couldn't understand any of the legal jargon on it. I was hesitant to sign. Chad went over the basics with me, but advised me if I wanted to I could have a lawyer look over it. Tuesday after I got off work, I met up with Forrest to find Halloween costumes. I was going to go with Rocky, but she invited Brandon so I bailed. I asked Forrest about hiring a lawyer when he bought his house.
"Nope. Chad went over the paperwork with me and I signed." Forrest said as we walked up and down the aisle looking over the costumes.
"I feel kinda weird signing something I can't read." I responded.
"What I took away from it was the interest rate, don't break the contract, and pay on time. It's worked for me so far." Forrest offered with a smile.
"As helpful as you are, I'll have Rocky look over it." I said, before a dog costume caught my eye. "Aww, Justine would look so cute in this!" I said, holding up a Elmo costume. I wanted Justine to be Zero, the ghost dog from The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it felt wrong without Jack and Sally.
"Let's me see if I can find a cookie monster costume for me." I smiled. We passed by the men's on the way to the women's section. "Don't you need to look? What are you going to be?"
"I need face paint for a zombie. That'll work for Gabriel's and Amber's party. I'm gonna wear my wedding tux with it. Like I was left for dead at the altar." Forrest joked.
I looked up at him from the women's costumes "So we can laugh about that now?"
"I can." He stated. "You said cookie monster, but I think this fits you better."
He held up a cute Oscar the Grouch costume. I laughed.
"I love it."
"Are you doing two costumes or one?" Forrest asked as I dug for my size.
"One party, so one." I replied, keeping my mouth closed about Trevor's possible invite. I was sure he wouldn't be thrilled I was waiting for a call from Trevor, even though I was making plans without him too.
"You don't want to go to Gabriel's?"
"I wasn't aware I was invited."
"If I am, you are. Rocky too."
I made a face.
"What was that face for?" He stopped me.
"She's hanging with Brandon again."
"Oh. No wonder." Forrest said, thoughtfully.
"I asked her out last week. She turned me down." he confessed.
I looked at him, shocked. "What?" Why was I just now hearing about this? Why wouldn't Rocky tell me? Were they keeping secrets from me? "When?"
"The night you went to see Trevor."
"Tell me, verbatim, what happened." I ordered.
After he did, I shook my head- partially relieved and bewildered.
"What?"
"That doesn't sound like you asked her out. I mean, I wouldn't have took it that way. For future reference, don't ask out a girl and bring up the fact she's pregnant by another dude Romeo." I scoffed.
Forrest cheeks flushed. "I don't care about that. I mean, I do, but it's not a deal breaker for me."
I huffed. "How big of you."
"I meant, it doesn't turn me off-" He tried to continue. I made a gagging sound.
"Eww, I don't wanna hear about your sex fetishes." I said, loudly, enjoying his discomfort.
"Forget I said anything." He said, his shoulders slumping in defeat. I instantly felt bad.
"I'm sorry. It's just weird. She is pregnant and her hormones are all over the place. It's making her indecisive. One day she wants nothing to do with Brandon, the next, she wants a fresh start. I don't know what she wants regarding him. I don't know if she knows either. You need someone who knows what she wants after Rachel." I elaborated.
"We've talked about Brandon and Rachel in general. I don't think she's getting back together with him. She just wants what's best for her kid. A dad in his or her life like she didn't have."
"She told you that?" I asked, stunned they had in dept conversations like that. Rocky hadn't said anything like that to me... or maybe she did and I was too caught up in Trevor...
"Yeah. We talk. I mean, really talk. I thought there was something there."
I heaved a heavy sigh. "You know you two dating puts me in an extremely uncomfortable position? My loyalty would be with her."
"I'm thinking she friend zoned me anyway so it doesn't matter." He said disappointed. It reminded me of myself, pinning over Trevor during college. It sucked. I didn't want that for him.
"You don't have to-"
"I know. I want to." I cut him off. "You've such a great friend, the least I could do is pimp out my best friend to you."
"You don't even need a costume- your mouth is like a trash can. Just spewing with trash."
I laughed out loud at him. "Scram!" I shooed him away as we went to check out.
I spent Wednesday before I went to work with Amber going over game ideas and finalizing the menu for the party. By Thursday, I was coming to terms that I would be spending Halloween night alone. I was driving home from work when I received a call from Trevor. I pulled into a gas station and answered it as soon as I was in park.
"Hello?" I said, evenly keeping my nerves out of my voice.
"Hey Lily. It's Trevor." He said clearly over the phone.
"I know." I breathed. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Listen, I wanted to call because we're having a get together at my Uncle's house." He dove right in. Considering the last time we spoke and his rage, his calm demeanor was odd to me.
"Oh yeah, when is it?" I said, casually like I didn't know, wanting to feel him out a little more.
"This Saturday. Halloween. Sorry it's last minute. J-Mike's not the best at planning. I understand if you have plans."
"It's perfectly fine. I don't. I mean, not anything important." I scrambled."Is it like a costume party or a party that happens to be on Halloween?"
"Costume. Definitely costume, but you don't have to dress up if you don't want to."
"I do want to. Umm, what are you dressing up as?" I prolonged the conversation.
"The grim reaper. It won't take much and I get to wear a hood." He replied.
I didn't know if he was joking, but I didn't find it funny at all. "That's morbid." I commented, weakly.
"That's one way to look at it."
"What's another way?" I challenged.
"Reality. The great equalizer. Fate."
"Hmmph. Does the grim reaper have a companion?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Nope. Death hangs solo."
"Maybe I'll come as an angel then. Just to balance you out." I commented. There was a moment of silence.
"I'm pretty sure that's what J-Mike is coming as- A Victoria secret one." Trevor finally said.
"Oh God, are you trying to talk me outta coming, because your about to achieve your goal." I said, disgusted by the mental image.
Trevor chuckled. It was the sweetest sound I heard in months. "Aren't you dressing up as a monster for Amber's party anyway?" Trevor asked.
"I am. I'm going to be Oscar the Grouch. Might be too juvenile for your party. Although, Justine first costume is going to be Elmo." I answered.
"I thought you would dress her up as Zero."
I smiled. "I wanted to, but not without Jack. I always thought Jack and Sally was the best couples costume."
After a tense moment of silence, Trevor began again. "I can't wait to see her in any costume."
"I'll make sure she's there then." I said, curtly. I couldn't help being hurt at his indifference of me being there.
"Lily." He started. "I wanted to do this in person, but it needs to be said."
I didn't say anything, I just listened.
"We've been friends longer than we've been anything else. I forgot that for awhile and I'm sorry. Thank you for everything that you've done. I want all my friends to be here. I-I can't wait to see you too." He finished.
"I can't wait either." I concurred, not letting his friends talk dissuade me. Our love was bigger than friends- It was monstrous and strong enough to endure anything thrown our way. I just had to keep showing him.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wait for You
"So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you're keeping inside
That's not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do
Baby I will wait for you
'Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting" Wait for You by Elliott Yamin
Getting Trevor's new number was a mistake. Even though I kept updated on how he was through friends and his uncle, it wasn't the same as hearing his voice. Everyday that went by with no words from him made me that much more anxious to break my own rule and call. The only reason I didn't was because how well everyone said he was doing.
Sammy and Corey came back from visiting Trevor Friday morning. Sammy dragged me out to a boxing class with Amber before she would tell how he was doing. She made me change out of my sweat pants and tank top and into running tights and a matching razorback tank. On the drive over, she filled me in. Apparently, J-Mike was in Wichita Falls to stay. The beauty of freelancing was he could do it anywhere and he chose to stay with Trevor while he went through chemotherapy. Sammy explained that he was up, working with J-Mike, going on walks, and was very much his normal self. I asked about his reaction to the gift. She told me they gave him the gift, but he didn't open it while they were there.
My disappointment and hurt was overshadowed by pride that he was doing so well. Between my talks with Jimmy, Rocky and Cam, I knew chemotherapy was hell for him. It was emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The improvement in his attitude and spirit were enough for me. I could wait until he was ready to talk to me. I figured it would be coming soon.
Dominick was at the boxing class, training with his dad, but partnered me during the class.
"So you and Richard. Think that's a good idea to mix business with pleasure?" He asked as I pulled on my gloves. I flinched, thinking about the pseudo date we went on while Amber's and Sammy's ears perked up at Dominick's question.
"No. It's neither." I said, turning to face his dad so we could spar, not talk.
"That's not what he thinks." Dominick continued when we faced one another.
"Good thing no one pays him to think." I said, throwing a hard jab. He shut his mouth and held up his hands as we trained together.
When we were finished, Sammy and Amber joined us while Dominick and I put our equipment away."Look, I like you. That's why I'm telling you it's a bad idea to try to start anything with Richard." Dominick warned me.
Amber and Sammy both sent me a look of surprise.
"When Richard and I talked, I was going to buy a house on my own, but then I found out my boyfriend- ex-boyfriend- has cancer. I don't even know if I'm buying a house and I'm definitely not trying to start anything with Richard ok?" I explained, irritably.
"Oh. Ok. I'm sorry to hear about your ex... boyfriend?" He said, puzzled.
I didn't clear up his confusion. I just stomped away. Amber and Sammy quickly followed.
Amber spoke as soon as we drove off. "No one would blame you if you talked to Richard. You didn't know what was going on with Trevor. You have every right." Amber comforted me.
"Amber, shut the fuck up." Sammy cut her off.
"No- I like Trevor too, but this isn't fair to Lily."
"You have some nerve. Trevor is sick. What was Will excuse when he fucked around and left you? Or really, what was your excuse for waiting around for him to act right?" Sammy questioned.
"We had kids. I stuck around for them. She shouldn't put her life on hold for him-"
"Stop talking about me like I'm not fucking here. Drop it! Both of you." I snapped, angrily.
Amber and Sammy looked at each other before both saying, "Sorry." It was a tense silence til we got to my apartment.
"I have something to give to you. It's a note. From Jordan." Sammy told me, handing over a letter.
I took it from her. "Gee, thanks." I said, dripping with sarcasm as I got out the car.
"I'll call you Sunday! I need your help planning the kid's birthday/Halloween party." Amber stopped me, cheerfully.
Urgh, I forgot about the big Halloween party she did every year for the kids. Maybe if I helped her plan, I wouldn't feel bad about not being there. I just couldn't stand being around everyone right now.
"Sure. What's the theme?"
"Monster High."
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a TV show. We are monsters..." She trailed off singing. I gave her a blank stare. "You're gonna come over Sunday and watch it then we'll plan!" Amber grinned.
"Oh goodie." I grimaced before leaving.
I went to work and forgot all about Jordan's letter. Adil dropped by and was waiting for me. Not going to lie, a part of me was nervous, but I was glad the waiting game of what was going to happen next was over. After he asked me how I was doing, he proposed a solution.
"As soon as you know when you need the days off, you have to put in a request." Adil started.
I bit my tongue, but heard him out. I had a feeling the conversation was going nowhere...
"I will be replacing you so you will get the time off. In the meantime, you need to start training one of your therapist to close the shift. That way, if you have to leave in short notice or I can't be here, we're covered." Adil explained.
I was so relieved, I fucking hugged him. Like, threw my arms around him hug. When I felt him stiffen in my embrace, I pulled back.
"I'm sorry. I just appreciate this so much. I owe you big time." I said, flushed. "As soon as Trevor is well, anything you need, I'm here." I promised, grabbing his hand and shaking it.
"I'll hold you to that." He said, returning my handshake before leaving.
I began my training that night. I chose Vince, Dr. Charles, to be my substitute. Including his internship, he been there the longest on evening shift. It seemed like the fair way to do it. When we went to the huddle room, he was more concerned about one of our clients and the game on the TV.
"I need your attention. I want you to learn how to update the board." I addressed him, firmly.
"Not to be disrespectful, but that's your job." He said, matter of factly.
"It's not something you want to learn?" I asked him, as patiently as I could.
"Not if it's not in my job description." He said, with a sly smile.
"Ok. Take over Dr. Chapman's patients for me and send him down here." I dismissed him, too grateful to Adil to be bothered by his shitty attitude.
"Right, boss lady." He said, turning away.
"Dr. Harris." I corrected him. When Dr. Chapman showed up, I walked him through it just like I did Vince. The only difference is he paid attention and helped me.
On Saturday, I spent the day doing chores I normally do on Sunday. I did laundry, cleaned the refrigerator, gave Justine a bath- anything to keep myself from obsessively checking my phone. I was going through my purses and eating a peanut butter and Jelly when I saw the letter Jordan wrote me. I sighed, pulling it out to read it.
I couldn't finish the rest of my meal because I was crying. I didn't know why her letter affected me so much. Maybe it was because she offered to be there for me (probably knew that after the way she acted around Trevor, I wouldn't want her around him.)
Most of my friends were Trevor's too so of course they were his support system. Because he still hadn't called, I felt... excluded was the best way to put it. I knew I probably wouldn't take her up on her offer, but I appreciated it none the less.
There was knocking at my door and I quickly cleaned my face before checking to see who it was. When I saw Forrest, I let him in.
"Hey. Ever heard of call before you come?" I said, closing the door behind him.
"I figured the way you went off on me, you would want this." He said, dangling my bracelet in front of me.
I snatched it from him. "Where was it?" I exclaimed, trying to put it back on my wrist.
"The 2nd bedroom. Under the day bed." He said, clasping the chain for me. "Why we're you crying?"
"Fumes. I mixed bleach with this lemon cleaner." I lied.
"You better open a window before you hurt yourself." He said, sliding open the patio. "What are you cleaning?"
"Everything."
Forrest sighed. "Let's get to it then."
We dusted, swept, washed or moped pretty much every surface in the apartment. Forrest played old school music, which I tried to get into. Some of the corny lyrics and dances Forrest was jamming to almost made me laugh. I couldn't even remember the last time I laughed. I sighed when a slow sad song played.
When can my heart beat again?
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does you'll get over it begin?
I hear what you're sayin'
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you?
When can I see you again?
When can my heart beat again?
When can I see you again?
And when can I breathe once again?
And when can I see you again?
"Who is this?" I asked, hiding my face as I took a break from wiping down the entertainment center.
"Babyface. Why? You like it?" Forrest asked.
"It's ok. Can we listen to something a little more upbeat?" I pleaded not wanting to cry over a fucking song.
"Alright. Here's some new school for you." Forrest said, before Hotline Bling came on. Once I calmed, I turned to face him. He was doing some stupid dance with a rag.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him.
He laughed. "You haven't seen the video?"
"No..." We took a break and watched the video. I didn't know what to think of Drake's dancing. When Forrest showed me a collections of Vines called Drake always on beat, I smiled. When he was dancing to the Charlie Brown Christmas song, I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried. I couldn't stop myself.
"I think those fumes got to you. Food break." Forrest said. "What do you feel like?"
"I don't care." I giggled, wiping the tears from my face.
"There's this place I heard that was good. Let's try them."
Even though I didn't want to get out or be around people, I went with Forrest. He didn't ask me to change outta Trevor's check shirt or my leggings. He didn't force conversations when I didn't want to talk. He didn't ask me a million times if I was ok. He didn't tell me how sorry he was. He didn't asked me about Trevor at all. He was just there for me. No questions asked, waiting until I was ready to open up.
We went to a Mediterranean place called Zoës Kitchen. Over kabobs, tomato bisque soup, braised white beans and a Greek salad, I told him everything.
"I told him to fight cancer and I'll fight for us." I finished.
"If you think it's worth the fight, you should stick it out." Forrest answered simply.
"He hasn't responded. I don't know if he's even read it or how he feels. All I can do is wait for him to change his mind about us." I finished.
"Rephase that then- do you think it's worth the wait?"
I nodded. "I know it is if he gives us a chance."
"Then you should wait for him. I agree with Amber though, that doesn't mean putting your life on hold."
"What? I should go date?" I said, disgusted.
"You just- you can't put all your time into one person or thing. Your happiness can't be wrapped up in a person or a bracelet." Forrest pointed out.
I snorted.
" You still have your job, your friends, family, your house. Focus on those too I promise it'll help- make the wait easier."
"Ok. I'm going to focus on eating the rest of my food now. I know that will help." I smiled.
"Go ahead. I'll wait."
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you're keeping inside
That's not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do
Baby I will wait for you
'Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting" Wait for You by Elliott Yamin
Getting Trevor's new number was a mistake. Even though I kept updated on how he was through friends and his uncle, it wasn't the same as hearing his voice. Everyday that went by with no words from him made me that much more anxious to break my own rule and call. The only reason I didn't was because how well everyone said he was doing.
Sammy and Corey came back from visiting Trevor Friday morning. Sammy dragged me out to a boxing class with Amber before she would tell how he was doing. She made me change out of my sweat pants and tank top and into running tights and a matching razorback tank. On the drive over, she filled me in. Apparently, J-Mike was in Wichita Falls to stay. The beauty of freelancing was he could do it anywhere and he chose to stay with Trevor while he went through chemotherapy. Sammy explained that he was up, working with J-Mike, going on walks, and was very much his normal self. I asked about his reaction to the gift. She told me they gave him the gift, but he didn't open it while they were there.
My disappointment and hurt was overshadowed by pride that he was doing so well. Between my talks with Jimmy, Rocky and Cam, I knew chemotherapy was hell for him. It was emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The improvement in his attitude and spirit were enough for me. I could wait until he was ready to talk to me. I figured it would be coming soon.
Dominick was at the boxing class, training with his dad, but partnered me during the class.
"So you and Richard. Think that's a good idea to mix business with pleasure?" He asked as I pulled on my gloves. I flinched, thinking about the pseudo date we went on while Amber's and Sammy's ears perked up at Dominick's question.
"No. It's neither." I said, turning to face his dad so we could spar, not talk.
"That's not what he thinks." Dominick continued when we faced one another.
"Good thing no one pays him to think." I said, throwing a hard jab. He shut his mouth and held up his hands as we trained together.
When we were finished, Sammy and Amber joined us while Dominick and I put our equipment away."Look, I like you. That's why I'm telling you it's a bad idea to try to start anything with Richard." Dominick warned me.
Amber and Sammy both sent me a look of surprise.
"When Richard and I talked, I was going to buy a house on my own, but then I found out my boyfriend- ex-boyfriend- has cancer. I don't even know if I'm buying a house and I'm definitely not trying to start anything with Richard ok?" I explained, irritably.
"Oh. Ok. I'm sorry to hear about your ex... boyfriend?" He said, puzzled.
I didn't clear up his confusion. I just stomped away. Amber and Sammy quickly followed.
Amber spoke as soon as we drove off. "No one would blame you if you talked to Richard. You didn't know what was going on with Trevor. You have every right." Amber comforted me.
"Amber, shut the fuck up." Sammy cut her off.
"No- I like Trevor too, but this isn't fair to Lily."
"You have some nerve. Trevor is sick. What was Will excuse when he fucked around and left you? Or really, what was your excuse for waiting around for him to act right?" Sammy questioned.
"We had kids. I stuck around for them. She shouldn't put her life on hold for him-"
"Stop talking about me like I'm not fucking here. Drop it! Both of you." I snapped, angrily.
Amber and Sammy looked at each other before both saying, "Sorry." It was a tense silence til we got to my apartment.
"I have something to give to you. It's a note. From Jordan." Sammy told me, handing over a letter.
I took it from her. "Gee, thanks." I said, dripping with sarcasm as I got out the car.
"I'll call you Sunday! I need your help planning the kid's birthday/Halloween party." Amber stopped me, cheerfully.
Urgh, I forgot about the big Halloween party she did every year for the kids. Maybe if I helped her plan, I wouldn't feel bad about not being there. I just couldn't stand being around everyone right now.
"Sure. What's the theme?"
"Monster High."
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a TV show. We are monsters..." She trailed off singing. I gave her a blank stare. "You're gonna come over Sunday and watch it then we'll plan!" Amber grinned.
"Oh goodie." I grimaced before leaving.
I went to work and forgot all about Jordan's letter. Adil dropped by and was waiting for me. Not going to lie, a part of me was nervous, but I was glad the waiting game of what was going to happen next was over. After he asked me how I was doing, he proposed a solution.
"As soon as you know when you need the days off, you have to put in a request." Adil started.
I bit my tongue, but heard him out. I had a feeling the conversation was going nowhere...
"I will be replacing you so you will get the time off. In the meantime, you need to start training one of your therapist to close the shift. That way, if you have to leave in short notice or I can't be here, we're covered." Adil explained.
I was so relieved, I fucking hugged him. Like, threw my arms around him hug. When I felt him stiffen in my embrace, I pulled back.
"I'm sorry. I just appreciate this so much. I owe you big time." I said, flushed. "As soon as Trevor is well, anything you need, I'm here." I promised, grabbing his hand and shaking it.
"I'll hold you to that." He said, returning my handshake before leaving.
I began my training that night. I chose Vince, Dr. Charles, to be my substitute. Including his internship, he been there the longest on evening shift. It seemed like the fair way to do it. When we went to the huddle room, he was more concerned about one of our clients and the game on the TV.
"I need your attention. I want you to learn how to update the board." I addressed him, firmly.
"Not to be disrespectful, but that's your job." He said, matter of factly.
"It's not something you want to learn?" I asked him, as patiently as I could.
"Not if it's not in my job description." He said, with a sly smile.
"Ok. Take over Dr. Chapman's patients for me and send him down here." I dismissed him, too grateful to Adil to be bothered by his shitty attitude.
"Right, boss lady." He said, turning away.
"Dr. Harris." I corrected him. When Dr. Chapman showed up, I walked him through it just like I did Vince. The only difference is he paid attention and helped me.
On Saturday, I spent the day doing chores I normally do on Sunday. I did laundry, cleaned the refrigerator, gave Justine a bath- anything to keep myself from obsessively checking my phone. I was going through my purses and eating a peanut butter and Jelly when I saw the letter Jordan wrote me. I sighed, pulling it out to read it.
I'm very sorry to hear about Trevor. The reason I became a nurse was I saw how much they did for my mom when she battled the disease. My family had each other to lean on and I want you to know you can lean on me for support if you need it. Call me if there's anything I can do to help you.
Sincerely,
Jordan
Most of my friends were Trevor's too so of course they were his support system. Because he still hadn't called, I felt... excluded was the best way to put it. I knew I probably wouldn't take her up on her offer, but I appreciated it none the less.
There was knocking at my door and I quickly cleaned my face before checking to see who it was. When I saw Forrest, I let him in.
"Hey. Ever heard of call before you come?" I said, closing the door behind him.
"I figured the way you went off on me, you would want this." He said, dangling my bracelet in front of me.
I snatched it from him. "Where was it?" I exclaimed, trying to put it back on my wrist.
"The 2nd bedroom. Under the day bed." He said, clasping the chain for me. "Why we're you crying?"
"Fumes. I mixed bleach with this lemon cleaner." I lied.
"You better open a window before you hurt yourself." He said, sliding open the patio. "What are you cleaning?"
"Everything."
Forrest sighed. "Let's get to it then."
We dusted, swept, washed or moped pretty much every surface in the apartment. Forrest played old school music, which I tried to get into. Some of the corny lyrics and dances Forrest was jamming to almost made me laugh. I couldn't even remember the last time I laughed. I sighed when a slow sad song played.
When can my heart beat again?
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does you'll get over it begin?
I hear what you're sayin'
But I swear that it's not making sense
So when can I see you?
When can I see you again?
When can my heart beat again?
When can I see you again?
And when can I breathe once again?
And when can I see you again?
"Who is this?" I asked, hiding my face as I took a break from wiping down the entertainment center.
"Babyface. Why? You like it?" Forrest asked.
"It's ok. Can we listen to something a little more upbeat?" I pleaded not wanting to cry over a fucking song.
"Alright. Here's some new school for you." Forrest said, before Hotline Bling came on. Once I calmed, I turned to face him. He was doing some stupid dance with a rag.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him.
He laughed. "You haven't seen the video?"
"No..." We took a break and watched the video. I didn't know what to think of Drake's dancing. When Forrest showed me a collections of Vines called Drake always on beat, I smiled. When he was dancing to the Charlie Brown Christmas song, I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried. I couldn't stop myself.
"I think those fumes got to you. Food break." Forrest said. "What do you feel like?"
"I don't care." I giggled, wiping the tears from my face.
"There's this place I heard that was good. Let's try them."
Even though I didn't want to get out or be around people, I went with Forrest. He didn't ask me to change outta Trevor's check shirt or my leggings. He didn't force conversations when I didn't want to talk. He didn't ask me a million times if I was ok. He didn't tell me how sorry he was. He didn't asked me about Trevor at all. He was just there for me. No questions asked, waiting until I was ready to open up.
We went to a Mediterranean place called Zoës Kitchen. Over kabobs, tomato bisque soup, braised white beans and a Greek salad, I told him everything.
"I told him to fight cancer and I'll fight for us." I finished.
"If you think it's worth the fight, you should stick it out." Forrest answered simply.
"He hasn't responded. I don't know if he's even read it or how he feels. All I can do is wait for him to change his mind about us." I finished.
"Rephase that then- do you think it's worth the wait?"
I nodded. "I know it is if he gives us a chance."
"Then you should wait for him. I agree with Amber though, that doesn't mean putting your life on hold."
"What? I should go date?" I said, disgusted.
"You just- you can't put all your time into one person or thing. Your happiness can't be wrapped up in a person or a bracelet." Forrest pointed out.
I snorted.
" You still have your job, your friends, family, your house. Focus on those too I promise it'll help- make the wait easier."
"Ok. I'm going to focus on eating the rest of my food now. I know that will help." I smiled.
"Go ahead. I'll wait."
Fight for You
"Cause I don't wanna see you cry, cry
Give our love another try, try
I bet we get it right this time, time
As long as you´re prepared to fight, fight
I don’t wanna live another day
Without your body next to me
I'm not gonna let them break us down
Cause Baby I know now
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I'll fight for you
There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do
I'll fight for you
Just like the rain down in Africa
I'll fight for you
It's gonna take some time but I know you're worth fighting for
I'll fight for you. " Fight for You by Jason Derulo
Tuesday morning, I woke up after a full night of sleep, still feeling drowsy. I was sure it was the Tylenol PM. I dragged myself into the kitchen to feed Justine. When I realized I didn't have anymore dog food, I pulled on a hoodie over my PJs and went shopping at Wal-Mart. After picking out Justine's food, I grabbed quick stuff for myself- microwavable food, lunchables, bag salads, frozen waffles and poptarts.
On the way to check out, I noticed they already set out there winter gear. An arrangement of beanies caught my eye and I bought one in every color for Trevor.
After checking out, I went home, fed Justine and took her out for a run. As I ate the sandwich I made for lunch, I looked over the texts and missed calls on my phone. Sammy texted me, letting me know she and Corey were making plans to go see Trevor on Thursday. Amber wanted to know the next time I was going out there and Forrest asked how I was holding up. I told Amber the truth: I didn't know. I asked Sammy to let me know when she was leaving because I had things to give to Trevor. I lied to Forrest and told him I was ok.
I called my brother before I went to work and asked him how Trevor was. Cam told me he was in better spirits and asked me if I wanted Trevor's new number. I took it from him, promising myself not to use it unless he reached out to me first.
At work, Adil didn't make an appearance. I was actually mentally preparing for round two with him. He wasn't the type to avoid a confrontation, especially if he felt he was right. I honestly didn't care about being right or wrong or winning or losing for that matter. The only thing I cared about was getting days off when I needed them. I wasn't sure if he was busy or not but I didn't dwell on it long.
After checking out, I went home, fed Justine and took her out for a run. As I ate the sandwich I made for lunch, I looked over the texts and missed calls on my phone. Sammy texted me, letting me know she and Corey were making plans to go see Trevor on Thursday. Amber wanted to know the next time I was going out there and Forrest asked how I was holding up. I told Amber the truth: I didn't know. I asked Sammy to let me know when she was leaving because I had things to give to Trevor. I lied to Forrest and told him I was ok.
I called my brother before I went to work and asked him how Trevor was. Cam told me he was in better spirits and asked me if I wanted Trevor's new number. I took it from him, promising myself not to use it unless he reached out to me first.
At work, Adil didn't make an appearance. I was actually mentally preparing for round two with him. He wasn't the type to avoid a confrontation, especially if he felt he was right. I honestly didn't care about being right or wrong or winning or losing for that matter. The only thing I cared about was getting days off when I needed them. I wasn't sure if he was busy or not but I didn't dwell on it long.
At lunch, I checked my personal email. I had one from Chad detailing the final steps of closing on the house. I scanned over it, rubbing my bare wrist. It felt empty without my bracelet and I made a mental note to get it with the rest of my things from Rocky's house. I saved the email without replying.
After work, I let myself in at Rocky's house. I made my way to the guest bedroom and began hunting for my bracelet. I was searching the dresser drawers for it when Rocky appeared at the doorway.
"Hey you." She said, giving me a hug.
"Hey." I hugged her back.
"How are you doing?" She sat at the end of the bed.
"I'm alright. I wanted to talk to you." I continued checking the drawers.
"Good, I want to talk to you too."
"You go first while I pack." I said, moving to the closest.
"Pack?"
"Yeah, I'm going back to my apartment."
"Really? When is the house going to be signed over to you?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with that." I shrugged.
"You're in escrow. You know you're going to have to forfeit any money you already paid?" Rocky asked.
"I don't care." I shrugged.
"You don't care?" She repeated.
"I mean, what other option do I have? With everything with Trevor, that's my focus. Everything else is insignificant."
When Rocky just looked at me, I explained. "I know he says he doesn't want to be with me. I'm going to show him that I've really changed. That it's not all about me and what I want. I figured once he sees that, he'll give me another chance."
"He said he didn't want to be a burden Lily. He worries he'll die like his dad did. He didn't want us to go through that with him. That's why he didn't tell anyone. That's the real reason he broke up with you."
"He thinks he's a burden. He really believes he's- He's going to die." I said out loud to myself.
"I told him it would be worse not being there for him. As far as dying, I think it scares him because of his dad. Watching him go through the chemo and it not working." Rocky explained.
I sat down on the bed and thought about it. Trevor said he felt relieved when his dad died. I always assumed it was because his dad was a miserable person, not because of the chemotherapy. Maybe he thought it was too big of a load to carry. That's when he got really angry at me: when I told him not to think about death. He went off about fighting cancer and said I couldn't handle it. Maybe it wasn't all about me...
"How did he act around you?" I questioned her.
"Pretty much the same. Making me laugh when I wanted to cry." Rocky answered.
That admission both filled me with hope and broke my heart. He was a shell of himself when I visited but at least being around his friends was helping.
"He had darker moments too. Anytime we talked about you he got quiet and despondent." Rocky added.
"He said he couldn't take care of me anymore. That he didn't want to spend the rest of his life trying with me. He wants nothing to do with me." I confessed, ashamed.
"He avoided talking about you Lily. Men aren't comfortable talking about things that bother them. Now if he truly didn't want to be with you, why would it be bothering him?" Rocky questioned me.
"I don't know! What am I supposed to? I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that he has cancer-I don't know how to be supportive when he's talking about dying and saying he doesn't want to be with me! I'm fucking confused. I don't know what to do! Fight him while he's fighting for his life? " I said, frustrated.
"I'm telling you what he said and what I saw. You have to do what you think is best with it. I believe there's a difference between fighting with him and fighting for him." Rocky pointed out.
I nodded and continued to look for my bracelet. I had no time for her fucking wordplay and riddles. "Have you seen my charm bracelet?" I asked her as she opened her mouth to speak again.
"Uh, no. When's the last time you had it?"
"The night we went to Los Lupes. I know I took it off here- I'm not sure what I did with it." I said, remembering throwing it against the wall. I got down on my hands and knees to look under the bed.
"Then it has to be here somewhere. It'll show up." Rocky promised.
"Ok. I'm gonna look while I pack and then I'll be outta here." I told her.
I packed up all my clothes and belongings while I looked over every surface, under every piece of furniture and every inch of the room for my bracelet. After an hour, I gave up and went home. During the drive, I realized the same weekend I took the bracelet off, I went over to Forrest's house. I called him right away and asked him to look for me.
"I will. Are you ok?" He asked me.
"I'm not the one fighting cancer, so I'm fucking great." I said, sarcastically.
"Lily-" He started. I could hear a lecture coming on, so I cut him off.
"I just want my fucking bracelet Forrest! Let me know if you find it!!!" I yelled before hanging up the phone.
I searched my car for my bracelet with the light from my phone. After thirty minutes, I finally gave up. I went to bed, exhausted, but too many thoughts were running in my head to sleep.
Maybe Trevor was scared. Maybe he really thought he was a burden. Maybe he didn't want to be with me. There were way too many maybes, but my truth was simple. I loved him. No doubts or maybes about it. I had to keep trying. I couldn't give up on him. I wouldn't give up on us.
Wednesday morning, I went to a toy store at the mall and bought an electronic Battleship game. I wanted the mini version Trevor and I played but I settled for the one they had. I also found a cute t-shirt at Spencer's with Pac-Man and the words: Byte Me. I put this all in a gift bag together with hot chocolate. I bought iron on letters and ironed the phrase "Never Give Up" on to everyone of his beanie caps before I put them in the bag too.
It was homage to our first official date. He took me on a bridge in Austin and we played Battleship and drank hot chocolate. There was a graffiti drawing of Pac-Man on the bridge with Never Give Up spray painted on the side. I wrote him a letter that read:
I meant every word I said. I'm not ready to give up on us. You fight cancer and I'll fight for us.
Love you forever,
Lily.
I sent the gift with Sammy and Corey when they went down to see him. I held out hope that when he saw it, he would let me fight beside him instead of against him. I was prepared for battle either way.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Lifetime (Rocky's POV)
"There was a time when love wasn't chosen
now I'm just open for more
now I'm just reaching out for something better that I had before, girl
there ain't a bottom line in your world
Ooh and I, I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime
work it on out this time
I can let it all pass me by
or I can just try and try
I can move to the light
oh if I take it one day at a time (oh I)
oh spread my love out and fly
oh I (I can move to the light)
ooh I can just make you understand
that love is not a fairytale in a melody
if you want it you can have it girl
maybe you will see maybe you will see
lifetime lifetime" Lifetime by Maxwell
Rocky's Point of View
Lily: Trevor has colon cancer. He already started chemotherapy and is staying with his granny in Wichita Falls. This is her and his uncle Jimmy's phone number.
I re-read Lily text a few times before I finally comprehended the words. I looked up and met with Cam's stare. I stood quickly and rushed to my room to be alone and gather myself. Between everything going on and my hormones, it's been a struggle to stay calm and collected all weekend.
It began Friday night when Lily didn't come home. When she didn't answer her phone either, I started to get concerned. As it got later and later, the only calls and texts I received were from Brandon. He was hounding me about announcing my pregnancy with him to his parents.
I tried to keep everything between us strictly about our child, but he was hell bent on us getting back together again. He would send good morning text, call every night, and randomly come by under the pretense of dropping off baby items that were clearanced at his job. I was against announcing my pregnancy with him like we were still together. It sent the wrong message. He thought his persistence would eventually wear me down. The only thing it did was work my nerves. It was getting to the point that his voice aggravated me.
After ignoring Brandon's texts, I sent a message to both Sammy and Amber to see if they heard from Lily. When they hadn't, I thought about Forrest. I quickly dialed Forrest's number. As the phone continued to ring, my mind went to why neither one of them were answering. I knew Lily was determined to move on from Trevor and she had slept over at Forrest's house before. The thought of them together left a bad taste in my mouth.
I swallowed it down and gave myself the same speech I gave Lily about Brandon- she can handle herself. I had to stay out of her decisions- even if I didn't agree with them. Just as I decided to hang up and send them both a text, Forrest's deep, sexy tone greeted me, filling my body with warmth. Pushing away my feelings, I asked if Lily was with him.
"No. Why? Is everything ok?" Forrest questioned, concerned.
"I'm sure it is." I reassured him quickly. "She just didn't come home yet."
"Oh, ok. Last time I talked to her, she told me she was meeting with that guy- about her house." Forrest supplied.
"That's right. Maybe it turned into a dinner meeting." I threw out there.
"Possibly." There was a brief moment of silent. "Did you eat? I mean, dinner already?" Forrest asked.
I didn't respond right away. If it was anybody else, I would have assumed they were asking me out. I couldn't tell with Forrest. We had more than a few moments were I felt like there might be a mutual attraction...
"I can pick you up something if you need me to. I remember when my mom was pregnant, she had cravings all the time." Forrest continued, interrupting my over analysis of his question.
"I'm fine. If you hear from Lily, let me know." I said in a hurried goodbye.
"Ok. Goodni-" I ended the call before he could finish.
I rushed off the phone before I caused myself anymore embarrassment. It was not a feeling I wanted to be accustomed too. In fact, I felt enough of it with Brandon for a lifetime. Forrest was just being friendly. He was super nice to Lily like that too. He was a super friendly nice guy who knew I was pregnant. Of course he wasn't interested in me.
I popped a bag of popcorn and sat on the couch watching Basketball Wives. My embarrassment faded while watching grown women fight over trivial things- it made me feel significantly better about my situation. I sent a text to Brandon saying that I thought it was a bad idea to tell his parents about the baby together before I dozed off.
I woke up a few hours later in the middle of the night to my phone ringing. I sat up on the couch, wiped my face, and grabbed it. As many times as I told myself Lily was grown and could handle her own business, it didn't stop me for falling asleep on the couch, waiting for her to come home or reply to my text. I answered without even checking who it was.
It was Cam, which made me worry when I found out he was at Trevor's apartment, trying to find Lily too. I let him know she was staying with me but I hadn't heard from her all night. When he came over, he told me that he suspected Trevor had colon cancer. When he revealed he told Lily the same, I knew she was in Wichita Falls hunting him down. We sat around the rest of the weekend, believing in the mantra no news is good news.
Now that we got the news, I tried to gather myself. I was failing miserably. A myriad of emotions and question plagued me. Why would Trevor hide this from us? Why wasn't Lily answering her phone? What the hell was going on? I focus my energy on getting answers.
I packed a small bag with a few changes of clothes. I texted Lily back, asking the address to Trevor's Grandmother's house. I picked up my bag and took it into the kitchen where I kept my prenatal vitamins and iron supplements. I was zipping up my bag when Cam joined me.
"Lily's back in Dallas. Or at least, she should be soon. His uncle said Trevor and Lily had a falling out and she left. Do you wanna stay here and wait for her?" Cam asked, stoically.
"No. I don't. I wanna talk to Trevor. I'm going to Wichita Falls." I grumbled, angry at the suggestion of more sitting around and waiting. I needed answers. Now.
"Ok. I'm gonna stay here for Lily. Drive safe. Call me when you get there." Cam relented.
After getting the address from him, I left. The 2 hour drive did nothing but increase my anger. When I got to Trevor's Grandmother's house, I knocked on the door impatiently. A man that looked like an older, harder version of Trevor gave me a look over before asking me how he could help me.
"I'm Racqelle. I'm a friend of Trevor's from Dallas." I explained.
"C'mon in." He said, opening the door for me. I stepped forward and followed him. Once we were inside, he stuck out his hand to me."I'm Jimmy, Trevor's uncle." He introduced himself.
I shook his hand as an older lady I assumed was Trevor's grandmother questioned me. "He really didn't tell anyone?"
"No Ma'am." I answered, plainly. Jimmy phone rang from his pocket, cutting me off.
"Helen is fine. He's in the back bedroom. I gotta warn you, he's not in the best mood." Helen continued.
"Good. Neither am I." I said, briskly. Jimmy gave me a nod of approval before answering the phone. I followed Helen to Trevor's room. He was sitting up in a reclining chair, gazing out the window. I felt sorrow at his aged appearance only for second before I stood in front of him, blocking his view.
"What the hell is your problem Trevor?" I snarled at him, hands on my hip.
His granny watched from the doorway, but I ignored her. From what Lily told me about his family, I'm sure they believed the stereotype of an angry black woman. I would live up to it today.
"Lily told everyone. You know I have cancer." He replied nonchalantly.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Of the brain? That's the only way your actions make any damn sense."
"I wish. The brain is so much cooler than the colon." He joked weakly.
The tears I didn't want to fall came anyway.
"Not you too Rocky. Don't cry. I can't take anymore tears." Trevor requested.
I brushed them away, quickly. "I'm not sad, I'm livid! Why didn't you tell us?"
"Granny, can I get a drink?" Trevor asked. When she left, Trevor motioned for me to sit on the bed.
"Why?" I prompted, indignantly after sitting down.
He held up his phone. It kept beeping and lighting up. "I didn't want this. I don't want to be a burden." He sighed.
"You're not a burden!" I protested.
When he didn't respond, I continued. "You really thought you could keep it a secret?"
"Not forever. Just until-" He stopped abruptly.
"Until what? You're in remission?"
"Most likely dead." He admitted.
Anger swelled inside of me again. "Didn't you think us finding out you went through this alone would be a burden on us, whether you live or die?"
"Maybe. But in the meantime, y'all wouldn't be hovering and crying and- I wouldn't drag everyone down." Trevor explained.
"Hate to break it to you- but you've been dragging me down with your stupidity since we met. I haven't dropped you yet. I'm not going to." I snapped at him.
Trevor smiled a little lopsided grin, his eyes glistening. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"You're welcome." I smiled too, even as I really wanted to cry.
His grandmother came back with drinks and snacks for us and I thanked her. I glared at Trevor until he thanked her too. While we ate and drank, I asked him about his treatment. He opened up to me and told me his fears of chemotherapy. His biggest fear was that it wouldn't help like his dad.
"That's silly to think like that. Medicine advances everyday. The things they know now versus what they knew then is astronomical. When they don't want to do treatment, that's when you get concerned." I told him after we switched places. I helped prop him up on his pillows before sitting in the chair he abandoned.
"I get that, but no one wants to face the fact that I might die." He said, frustrated.
"Ok. Just because no one is sitting here planning your funeral doesn't mean we don't recognize the risk. I chose to have hope until I'm told otherwise." I notified him.
"Even if I live, I still have to deal with cancer for the rest of my life." He lamented.
"People live with worse Trevor. All you can do is play the hand you're given."
"Jokers for the joker." He joked, lamely.
"No. Aces for the ace." I joked back, equally lame.
He smiled and we moved on. As we talked, he still ignored his phone. He ignored me too when I brought up Lily.
"Why are you and Lily fighting?" I asked, already knowing the answer. I knew she raised hell when she found out he was hiding his illness.
He closed his eyes like I didn't even speak.
"You broke up with Lily because you're sick?" I rephrased, louder, as a simple yes or no question.
"It's a little more complicated than that." He replied, keeping his eyes closed.
"Explain it th-." I started, before a noise outside the door stopped me cold. I immediately sat straight, frozen as my heart pounded in my chest. His voice always had that affect on me- or maybe it was all the memories tethered to it...
Bilal came into the room and our eyes clashed immediately. He looked away, narrowing in on Trevor. I saw the hurt flash in his eyes before he sat on the end of the bed. Trevor eyes opened and he looked at Bilal.
"What's up Bilal?" Trevor greeted him, causally.
"What's up with you?" Bilal replied, his voice cracking before he cleared his throat. "I like the new look man. Bald is beautiful."
Trevor laughed shortly. "Screw you."
Bilal smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He was putting an a brave facade, but his pain was palpable. It came over me in waves causing a prickling sensation in my eyes.
"I'll give you two a minute." I said, standing and leaving the room before either one of them could say anything.
I went outside, took a few shaky breaths and I pulled out my phone. I emailed the administration manager at my job that I would be out of office Monday. After I found and booked a nearby hotel, I read the texts Brandon sent me. Before I responded to him or anyone else, I remembered to call Cam. He told me that Lily was at her apartment, but he wasn't sure what happened between her and Trevor. I told him I had no idea either but would try to find out. I was composing a text to Brandon next when the front door opened.
I put my phone away when I saw Bilal step outside.
"Everything ok?" I asked.
"Yeah-He fell asleep while we were talking. I couldn't- " He stopped and looked down. "How could I've not known?"
"He didn't want you to. Lily didn't even suspect anything." I did my best to comfort him.
"I should have known." Bilal said, stubbornly.
I kept quiet because I didn't want to argue with him.
"He looks so sick." Bilal murmured.
"That's the chemotherapy. The doctor's caught it at stage three. They don't want it to spread or reoccur." I explained.
Bilal heaved a heavy sigh. "This is too much. It's not right. None of this is fair."
"That's life." I said bluntly. "Vent to me all you want, but don't say stuff like that around him. He didn't want us to know because he thinks he's a burden."
Bilal stiffened and his eyes harden. "Why would he think that?" He asked, angrily.
"You would have to ask him." I said, preparing to go back inside.
"Wait. Rocky." He said, calmly. I turned to look at him. "I'm sorry. I just want us to be ok again."
It was my turn to stiffen. I thought about the last time we spoke. While I was in Houston, I reached out to apologize for the way I treated him when I cheated on Brandon. When he learned I was in Houston, he came to my mom's house to talk in person. I admitted to him he was right-There was something still between us.
I couldn't admit it when we slept together because I spent too much time and effort getting over him. Brandon was a part of that effort and I couldn't give him up. Holding on to Brandon didn't change the truth- I still loved Bilal. Anything I felt between Bilal and me no longer mattered after I told him I was pregnant by Brandon. He recoiled with disgust and wouldn't look at me when I told him I was keeping the baby. He walked away from me and we hadn't spoken since.
"Ok." I nodded, turning to make my escape. He kept talking before I could leave.
"I'm serious. I want us to try to be friends again. That's it." Bilal stated.
"I agree. Can we start tomorrow? It's been a long day." I smirked, half-heartedly.
Bilal returned my smirk. "Tomorrow then."
I went inside and told Jimmy and Trevor's grandma I would be back in the morning. I asked if I could pick anything up from the store, then I got the hell outta there. After I checked into the hotel, I laid in the bed, the events from the day finally taking its toll. I feel asleep, tears of helplessness wetting my pillow.
The next morning, I picked up a variety of pastries and coffee before returning to the house. Trevor's mom was there and I greeted her as courteously as I could while being around her made my blood boil.
Bilal was up with Trevor and I handled him a chai tea and Trevor a chocolate milk. As we ate breakfast, Trevor's mom came into the room, fussing over Trevor and the amount of sugar he was eating.
"Let's hope I puke it all up then." Trevor deadpanned. She gave Bilal and me a little look before she left the room. A couple hours later, Cam showed up too. Trevor was washing up while Bilal made the bed and I helped Trevor's Grandma make lunch for everyone. We both explained Trevor diagnosis to Cam. Afterwards, I helped Cam bring in the items Lily bought for Trevor. It was really a ploy to talk to him alone.
He explained to me how Lily thought Trevor didn't want her with him because he didn't want to deal with her.
"He didn't want anyone to know. He told me he didn't want to be a burden on us. I hope I got through to him." I said.
He handed me a key to Lily's and Trevor's apartment. "Well, maybe we can both talk some sense into her."
"I'll do what I can." I replied, at the same time thinking the only thing I could do was give her all the information and hoped she made the right choice.
"Do you know what lava you means?" He asked.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"
"Lily told me to tell Trevor that."
"Just tell him. He'll know. They have too many inside jokes to keep track of."
When we came back inside, Trevor was at the table picking at his food. I made him one of the shakes Lily bought while Cam went to sit with him.
"You don't have to fuck me up 10 different ways. Chemotherapy is doing it for you." Trevor greeted Cam.
"Even if I wanted to, I'd have Lily to contend with afterwards and she's ruthless." Cam stated. When Trevor said nothing, Cam continued. "She wanted you to have all this stuff. And she said she lava you." Cam said
I had no idea what that meant but Trevor certainly did; I no longer believed it was a joke. His face scrunched up and he was withdrawn for the rest of my visit. He picked at his food but drank down the shake. He didn't comment when his mom lectured him that he had to keep up his strength with real food and not sugar.
"It's not sugar- they're meal replacements. Lily bought them specifically for nutrition." Cam corrected her.
I took note of the sour face his mom made.
"Guys, I'm wiped out. I need some rest," Trevor said, solemnly. I followed him into his room to say goodbye.
"You know Lily's not going to stay away?" I informed him.
"I wish she would. I don't want her here." He muttered.
"Why?"
He ignored my question. "Was she- ok? I mean, after we broke up, was she- moving on?" Trevor asked.
"She was trying to." I answered, truthfully. "She wasn't doing very well." He didn't say anything else, so I reached down and gave Trevor a hug. "I'm leaving, but I'll be back next weekend ok?"
"You don't have to come every weekend."
"I know, but I want to before I get too far along. Can I tell your mom you're my baby's daddy?" I joked with Trevor.
Trevor finally cracked a genuine smile again. "I'll pay to see that. Can you wait until you're showing?"
"Will do." I laughed. "See you soon Ace." As I left, Bilal was watching me from the doorway.
"You're already showing." Bilal mentioned.
I patted down my blouse, self-consciously. I had a tiny pudge.
"You have a glow too. I never said congratulations. You're going to be great mom." He said, his voice with a edge.
"Bilal-" I started, apologetically.
"It's ok. Really. Maybe it's a shitty clichè but life's too short. I don't want to spend it upset about the past. I want you to be happy. If you are, so am I." Bilal finished.
"Thanks, I want the same for you." I replied before exiting.
On the drive home, I called Brandon. I filled him in on what was going on and why I wasn't able to answer his calls. I told him the following weekend I'd be out of town to visit Trevor again.
"I won't leave until Saturday morning. If you can set something up with your parents before then, we can tell them together." I told him. He quickly agreed.
I could hear the surprise in his voice, but I didn't want to spend my life stuck in the past. Bilal was right- life is too short to be holding on to anger, sadness, and disappointments. I wore my independence like a cloak of protection from being hurt by never having to truly depend on someone. It's how my mom raised me. It wasn't a bad way to live- I just wanted more for myself and my child. I had to be willing to open myself up to new beginnings, happiness and love. Maybe another shitty clichè, but I'm determined to try.
now I'm just open for more
now I'm just reaching out for something better that I had before, girl
there ain't a bottom line in your world
Ooh and I, I can let my life pass me by
or I can get down and try
work it all out this lifetime
work it on out this time
I can let it all pass me by
or I can just try and try
I can move to the light
oh if I take it one day at a time (oh I)
oh spread my love out and fly
oh I (I can move to the light)
ooh I can just make you understand
that love is not a fairytale in a melody
if you want it you can have it girl
maybe you will see maybe you will see
lifetime lifetime" Lifetime by Maxwell
Rocky's Point of View
Lily: Trevor has colon cancer. He already started chemotherapy and is staying with his granny in Wichita Falls. This is her and his uncle Jimmy's phone number.
I re-read Lily text a few times before I finally comprehended the words. I looked up and met with Cam's stare. I stood quickly and rushed to my room to be alone and gather myself. Between everything going on and my hormones, it's been a struggle to stay calm and collected all weekend.
It began Friday night when Lily didn't come home. When she didn't answer her phone either, I started to get concerned. As it got later and later, the only calls and texts I received were from Brandon. He was hounding me about announcing my pregnancy with him to his parents.
I tried to keep everything between us strictly about our child, but he was hell bent on us getting back together again. He would send good morning text, call every night, and randomly come by under the pretense of dropping off baby items that were clearanced at his job. I was against announcing my pregnancy with him like we were still together. It sent the wrong message. He thought his persistence would eventually wear me down. The only thing it did was work my nerves. It was getting to the point that his voice aggravated me.
After ignoring Brandon's texts, I sent a message to both Sammy and Amber to see if they heard from Lily. When they hadn't, I thought about Forrest. I quickly dialed Forrest's number. As the phone continued to ring, my mind went to why neither one of them were answering. I knew Lily was determined to move on from Trevor and she had slept over at Forrest's house before. The thought of them together left a bad taste in my mouth.
I swallowed it down and gave myself the same speech I gave Lily about Brandon- she can handle herself. I had to stay out of her decisions- even if I didn't agree with them. Just as I decided to hang up and send them both a text, Forrest's deep, sexy tone greeted me, filling my body with warmth. Pushing away my feelings, I asked if Lily was with him.
"No. Why? Is everything ok?" Forrest questioned, concerned.
"I'm sure it is." I reassured him quickly. "She just didn't come home yet."
"Oh, ok. Last time I talked to her, she told me she was meeting with that guy- about her house." Forrest supplied.
"That's right. Maybe it turned into a dinner meeting." I threw out there.
"Possibly." There was a brief moment of silent. "Did you eat? I mean, dinner already?" Forrest asked.
I didn't respond right away. If it was anybody else, I would have assumed they were asking me out. I couldn't tell with Forrest. We had more than a few moments were I felt like there might be a mutual attraction...
"I can pick you up something if you need me to. I remember when my mom was pregnant, she had cravings all the time." Forrest continued, interrupting my over analysis of his question.
"I'm fine. If you hear from Lily, let me know." I said in a hurried goodbye.
"Ok. Goodni-" I ended the call before he could finish.
I rushed off the phone before I caused myself anymore embarrassment. It was not a feeling I wanted to be accustomed too. In fact, I felt enough of it with Brandon for a lifetime. Forrest was just being friendly. He was super nice to Lily like that too. He was a super friendly nice guy who knew I was pregnant. Of course he wasn't interested in me.
I popped a bag of popcorn and sat on the couch watching Basketball Wives. My embarrassment faded while watching grown women fight over trivial things- it made me feel significantly better about my situation. I sent a text to Brandon saying that I thought it was a bad idea to tell his parents about the baby together before I dozed off.
I woke up a few hours later in the middle of the night to my phone ringing. I sat up on the couch, wiped my face, and grabbed it. As many times as I told myself Lily was grown and could handle her own business, it didn't stop me for falling asleep on the couch, waiting for her to come home or reply to my text. I answered without even checking who it was.
It was Cam, which made me worry when I found out he was at Trevor's apartment, trying to find Lily too. I let him know she was staying with me but I hadn't heard from her all night. When he came over, he told me that he suspected Trevor had colon cancer. When he revealed he told Lily the same, I knew she was in Wichita Falls hunting him down. We sat around the rest of the weekend, believing in the mantra no news is good news.
Now that we got the news, I tried to gather myself. I was failing miserably. A myriad of emotions and question plagued me. Why would Trevor hide this from us? Why wasn't Lily answering her phone? What the hell was going on? I focus my energy on getting answers.
I packed a small bag with a few changes of clothes. I texted Lily back, asking the address to Trevor's Grandmother's house. I picked up my bag and took it into the kitchen where I kept my prenatal vitamins and iron supplements. I was zipping up my bag when Cam joined me.
"Lily's back in Dallas. Or at least, she should be soon. His uncle said Trevor and Lily had a falling out and she left. Do you wanna stay here and wait for her?" Cam asked, stoically.
"No. I don't. I wanna talk to Trevor. I'm going to Wichita Falls." I grumbled, angry at the suggestion of more sitting around and waiting. I needed answers. Now.
"Ok. I'm gonna stay here for Lily. Drive safe. Call me when you get there." Cam relented.
After getting the address from him, I left. The 2 hour drive did nothing but increase my anger. When I got to Trevor's Grandmother's house, I knocked on the door impatiently. A man that looked like an older, harder version of Trevor gave me a look over before asking me how he could help me.
"I'm Racqelle. I'm a friend of Trevor's from Dallas." I explained.
"C'mon in." He said, opening the door for me. I stepped forward and followed him. Once we were inside, he stuck out his hand to me."I'm Jimmy, Trevor's uncle." He introduced himself.
I shook his hand as an older lady I assumed was Trevor's grandmother questioned me. "He really didn't tell anyone?"
"No Ma'am." I answered, plainly. Jimmy phone rang from his pocket, cutting me off.
"Helen is fine. He's in the back bedroom. I gotta warn you, he's not in the best mood." Helen continued.
"Good. Neither am I." I said, briskly. Jimmy gave me a nod of approval before answering the phone. I followed Helen to Trevor's room. He was sitting up in a reclining chair, gazing out the window. I felt sorrow at his aged appearance only for second before I stood in front of him, blocking his view.
"What the hell is your problem Trevor?" I snarled at him, hands on my hip.
His granny watched from the doorway, but I ignored her. From what Lily told me about his family, I'm sure they believed the stereotype of an angry black woman. I would live up to it today.
"Lily told everyone. You know I have cancer." He replied nonchalantly.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Of the brain? That's the only way your actions make any damn sense."
"I wish. The brain is so much cooler than the colon." He joked weakly.
The tears I didn't want to fall came anyway.
"Not you too Rocky. Don't cry. I can't take anymore tears." Trevor requested.
I brushed them away, quickly. "I'm not sad, I'm livid! Why didn't you tell us?"
"Granny, can I get a drink?" Trevor asked. When she left, Trevor motioned for me to sit on the bed.
"Why?" I prompted, indignantly after sitting down.
He held up his phone. It kept beeping and lighting up. "I didn't want this. I don't want to be a burden." He sighed.
"You're not a burden!" I protested.
When he didn't respond, I continued. "You really thought you could keep it a secret?"
"Not forever. Just until-" He stopped abruptly.
"Until what? You're in remission?"
"Most likely dead." He admitted.
Anger swelled inside of me again. "Didn't you think us finding out you went through this alone would be a burden on us, whether you live or die?"
"Maybe. But in the meantime, y'all wouldn't be hovering and crying and- I wouldn't drag everyone down." Trevor explained.
"Hate to break it to you- but you've been dragging me down with your stupidity since we met. I haven't dropped you yet. I'm not going to." I snapped at him.
Trevor smiled a little lopsided grin, his eyes glistening. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"You're welcome." I smiled too, even as I really wanted to cry.
His grandmother came back with drinks and snacks for us and I thanked her. I glared at Trevor until he thanked her too. While we ate and drank, I asked him about his treatment. He opened up to me and told me his fears of chemotherapy. His biggest fear was that it wouldn't help like his dad.
"That's silly to think like that. Medicine advances everyday. The things they know now versus what they knew then is astronomical. When they don't want to do treatment, that's when you get concerned." I told him after we switched places. I helped prop him up on his pillows before sitting in the chair he abandoned.
"I get that, but no one wants to face the fact that I might die." He said, frustrated.
"Ok. Just because no one is sitting here planning your funeral doesn't mean we don't recognize the risk. I chose to have hope until I'm told otherwise." I notified him.
"Even if I live, I still have to deal with cancer for the rest of my life." He lamented.
"Jokers for the joker." He joked, lamely.
"No. Aces for the ace." I joked back, equally lame.
He smiled and we moved on. As we talked, he still ignored his phone. He ignored me too when I brought up Lily.
"Why are you and Lily fighting?" I asked, already knowing the answer. I knew she raised hell when she found out he was hiding his illness.
He closed his eyes like I didn't even speak.
"You broke up with Lily because you're sick?" I rephrased, louder, as a simple yes or no question.
"It's a little more complicated than that." He replied, keeping his eyes closed.
"Explain it th-." I started, before a noise outside the door stopped me cold. I immediately sat straight, frozen as my heart pounded in my chest. His voice always had that affect on me- or maybe it was all the memories tethered to it...
Bilal came into the room and our eyes clashed immediately. He looked away, narrowing in on Trevor. I saw the hurt flash in his eyes before he sat on the end of the bed. Trevor eyes opened and he looked at Bilal.
"What's up Bilal?" Trevor greeted him, causally.
"What's up with you?" Bilal replied, his voice cracking before he cleared his throat. "I like the new look man. Bald is beautiful."
Trevor laughed shortly. "Screw you."
Bilal smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He was putting an a brave facade, but his pain was palpable. It came over me in waves causing a prickling sensation in my eyes.
"I'll give you two a minute." I said, standing and leaving the room before either one of them could say anything.
I went outside, took a few shaky breaths and I pulled out my phone. I emailed the administration manager at my job that I would be out of office Monday. After I found and booked a nearby hotel, I read the texts Brandon sent me. Before I responded to him or anyone else, I remembered to call Cam. He told me that Lily was at her apartment, but he wasn't sure what happened between her and Trevor. I told him I had no idea either but would try to find out. I was composing a text to Brandon next when the front door opened.
I put my phone away when I saw Bilal step outside.
"Everything ok?" I asked.
"Yeah-He fell asleep while we were talking. I couldn't- " He stopped and looked down. "How could I've not known?"
"He didn't want you to. Lily didn't even suspect anything." I did my best to comfort him.
"I should have known." Bilal said, stubbornly.
I kept quiet because I didn't want to argue with him.
"He looks so sick." Bilal murmured.
"That's the chemotherapy. The doctor's caught it at stage three. They don't want it to spread or reoccur." I explained.
Bilal heaved a heavy sigh. "This is too much. It's not right. None of this is fair."
"That's life." I said bluntly. "Vent to me all you want, but don't say stuff like that around him. He didn't want us to know because he thinks he's a burden."
Bilal stiffened and his eyes harden. "Why would he think that?" He asked, angrily.
"You would have to ask him." I said, preparing to go back inside.
"Wait. Rocky." He said, calmly. I turned to look at him. "I'm sorry. I just want us to be ok again."
It was my turn to stiffen. I thought about the last time we spoke. While I was in Houston, I reached out to apologize for the way I treated him when I cheated on Brandon. When he learned I was in Houston, he came to my mom's house to talk in person. I admitted to him he was right-There was something still between us.
I couldn't admit it when we slept together because I spent too much time and effort getting over him. Brandon was a part of that effort and I couldn't give him up. Holding on to Brandon didn't change the truth- I still loved Bilal. Anything I felt between Bilal and me no longer mattered after I told him I was pregnant by Brandon. He recoiled with disgust and wouldn't look at me when I told him I was keeping the baby. He walked away from me and we hadn't spoken since.
"Ok." I nodded, turning to make my escape. He kept talking before I could leave.
"I'm serious. I want us to try to be friends again. That's it." Bilal stated.
"I agree. Can we start tomorrow? It's been a long day." I smirked, half-heartedly.
Bilal returned my smirk. "Tomorrow then."
I went inside and told Jimmy and Trevor's grandma I would be back in the morning. I asked if I could pick anything up from the store, then I got the hell outta there. After I checked into the hotel, I laid in the bed, the events from the day finally taking its toll. I feel asleep, tears of helplessness wetting my pillow.
The next morning, I picked up a variety of pastries and coffee before returning to the house. Trevor's mom was there and I greeted her as courteously as I could while being around her made my blood boil.
Bilal was up with Trevor and I handled him a chai tea and Trevor a chocolate milk. As we ate breakfast, Trevor's mom came into the room, fussing over Trevor and the amount of sugar he was eating.
"Let's hope I puke it all up then." Trevor deadpanned. She gave Bilal and me a little look before she left the room. A couple hours later, Cam showed up too. Trevor was washing up while Bilal made the bed and I helped Trevor's Grandma make lunch for everyone. We both explained Trevor diagnosis to Cam. Afterwards, I helped Cam bring in the items Lily bought for Trevor. It was really a ploy to talk to him alone.
He explained to me how Lily thought Trevor didn't want her with him because he didn't want to deal with her.
"He didn't want anyone to know. He told me he didn't want to be a burden on us. I hope I got through to him." I said.
He handed me a key to Lily's and Trevor's apartment. "Well, maybe we can both talk some sense into her."
"I'll do what I can." I replied, at the same time thinking the only thing I could do was give her all the information and hoped she made the right choice.
"Do you know what lava you means?" He asked.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"
"Lily told me to tell Trevor that."
"Just tell him. He'll know. They have too many inside jokes to keep track of."
When we came back inside, Trevor was at the table picking at his food. I made him one of the shakes Lily bought while Cam went to sit with him.
"You don't have to fuck me up 10 different ways. Chemotherapy is doing it for you." Trevor greeted Cam.
"Even if I wanted to, I'd have Lily to contend with afterwards and she's ruthless." Cam stated. When Trevor said nothing, Cam continued. "She wanted you to have all this stuff. And she said she lava you." Cam said
I had no idea what that meant but Trevor certainly did; I no longer believed it was a joke. His face scrunched up and he was withdrawn for the rest of my visit. He picked at his food but drank down the shake. He didn't comment when his mom lectured him that he had to keep up his strength with real food and not sugar.
"It's not sugar- they're meal replacements. Lily bought them specifically for nutrition." Cam corrected her.
I took note of the sour face his mom made.
"Guys, I'm wiped out. I need some rest," Trevor said, solemnly. I followed him into his room to say goodbye.
"You know Lily's not going to stay away?" I informed him.
"I wish she would. I don't want her here." He muttered.
"Why?"
He ignored my question. "Was she- ok? I mean, after we broke up, was she- moving on?" Trevor asked.
"She was trying to." I answered, truthfully. "She wasn't doing very well." He didn't say anything else, so I reached down and gave Trevor a hug. "I'm leaving, but I'll be back next weekend ok?"
"You don't have to come every weekend."
"I know, but I want to before I get too far along. Can I tell your mom you're my baby's daddy?" I joked with Trevor.
Trevor finally cracked a genuine smile again. "I'll pay to see that. Can you wait until you're showing?"
"Will do." I laughed. "See you soon Ace." As I left, Bilal was watching me from the doorway.
"You're already showing." Bilal mentioned.
I patted down my blouse, self-consciously. I had a tiny pudge.
"You have a glow too. I never said congratulations. You're going to be great mom." He said, his voice with a edge.
"Bilal-" I started, apologetically.
"It's ok. Really. Maybe it's a shitty clichè but life's too short. I don't want to spend it upset about the past. I want you to be happy. If you are, so am I." Bilal finished.
"Thanks, I want the same for you." I replied before exiting.
On the drive home, I called Brandon. I filled him in on what was going on and why I wasn't able to answer his calls. I told him the following weekend I'd be out of town to visit Trevor again.
"I won't leave until Saturday morning. If you can set something up with your parents before then, we can tell them together." I told him. He quickly agreed.
I could hear the surprise in his voice, but I didn't want to spend my life stuck in the past. Bilal was right- life is too short to be holding on to anger, sadness, and disappointments. I wore my independence like a cloak of protection from being hurt by never having to truly depend on someone. It's how my mom raised me. It wasn't a bad way to live- I just wanted more for myself and my child. I had to be willing to open myself up to new beginnings, happiness and love. Maybe another shitty clichè, but I'm determined to try.
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