The Boogie Monster

"I've got a monster in my closet
Someone's underneath my bed
The wind's knocking at my window
I'd kill it but it's already dead
It waits till the midnight hour to come
To torture me for the wrong I've done
it just sits there and stares me
And it won't let me get any sleep
At first I was scared when
I looked at his eyes
But now that I know him I'm not that surprised
I'm just waiting on the sun to rise
Oh how I wish that old sun would rise
I used to wonder why he looked familiar
Then I realized it was a mirror
And now it is plain to see,
The whole time the monster was me" The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley

Amanda had a great sense of direction; she was able to direct us back to Wichita Fall from the country. Other than ask Amanda to text Jenna that we were leaving, I didn't speak. I hated that it was silent, I was just in no mood to make small talk. I drove back to Dallas, lost in my own thoughts.

I felt so stupid for sleeping with Trevor. When he broke up with me the first time, I thought I changed his mind about it because we had sex. Last night, I thought he wouldn't wanna be just friends because we had sex. How could I do this to myself again? What the fuck was wrong with me?

Before my mind could began to list the numerous things wrong with me, I thought over what Trevor said. He said he didn't want to be together because he had nothing to give me and couldn't take care of me. Before that, he said he didn't want to spend the rest of his life trying with me. And when he originally broke up with me, he said he couldn't give me what I wanted- that he no longer wanted marriage, a house or kids.

Why didn't he realize that the only thing I wanted from him was him? How could I show him he didn't have to keep trying for us because I was no longer going to push him away? I thought he knew the only reason I wanted a house, marriage or kids was because I wanted them with him.

Love Song by the Cure came on the radio. I took me back to college when Trevor played me the greatest 80's love song and this was number one on his list. I remembered laying on his bed, wishing one day he would notice me and love me back. I convinced myself that everything would work out if he just loved me...

I quickly changed the station. I didn't want to hear about love overcoming everything. If that was the truth, Trevor would want to be with me, not just be friends. It was a lie I no longer believed in. How could I believe in true love when I couldn't make it work with Trevor? Trevor and I loved each other, but it wasn't enough for him stay with me. What was it about me that made him think the best thing to do was walk away?

"Any preferences?" I asked, pushing those thoughts away as I flipped through the Dallas stations that were returning.

"No. Whatever you wanna listen to is ok." Amanda responded.

"Ok. Where am I taking you?" I continued.

"Um, I'm not sure. My friends hasn't responded to my text yet. You can just drop me off at a hotel-"

"No. Hang out with me. My friend is having a party- it should be fun."

"I'm a little partied out- in fact, I'm still a little hungover." Amanda declined.

"Believe me, this will be nothing like J-Mike's party. My friend's husband doesn't even allow liquor in his house. It's going to be a ton of food, candy and kids running around." I tried to talk Amanda into coming.

"Ok, sure. Just until I hear from my friend, then I'll call an Uber or something to her place." She caved.

"I'll take you. It's no problem." I said eager to have an excuse to leave the party early.

"You don't have too..."

"I want to. Let's get you a costume!" I told her, adding excitement to my voice.

She protested a little bit, but I reiterated it was a kid friendly monster party. When I told her I was dressing up as Oscar from Sesame Street, she was convinced. We went to a Halloween store that had already clearanced some of their merchandise. I found a Cookie Monster woman's costume but she turned it down before I could even ask her size.

"Too close to the truth." She smiled, weakly.

I forced a smile too at her attempt at depreciating humor and continued searching. Justine was in the car and I didn't want to leave her for too long. I went to the accessory section, thinking vampire teeth and a cloak so she could be The Count. I found the teeth when Amanda found a yellow bird mask with feathers.

"How bout this? I have a yellow shirt. Big Bird's not really a monster- well, a bird that big is terrifying."

I nodded. "That's perfect. Let's see if we can find a boa."

We had no luck on a yellow boa, but I did find a green bob wig for me. I told Amanda she could wear my golden blonde wig from the night before.

We went back to my apartment and began to get ready. The party already started but I called Amber to make sure she didn't need anything.

"Only if you can control the weather. It's been raining off and on all day." Amber complained over the speaker phone. I was in the bathroom finishing my make-up. I didn't do much at all- just liner and bronzer. Just enough not to look as pathetic as I felt.

"I know. I think Amanda and I ran into 3 different storms on the way back." I said.

"What?!? You're back! Ohmygosh, you're coming to the party?!? Rocky said you spent the night with Trevor so don't count on you being back!"

"I'm back. I didn't want to miss your party." I said, forcing myself to sound cheerful.

"Wait, is Trevor with you? Who the hell is Amanda?" Amber demanded.

"Um no. And Amanda is my sister in law. Jenna's sister, my brother's wife. It's ok if she comes right?" I asked, concerned by her tone.

"Of course! Girl, I had a moment. Will use to mess with a girl name Amanda. I had a flashback." She laughed heartily. I stared at my phone, puzzled by her. "The more the merrier, although we're all going be trapped inside if the rain doesn't stop!"

"Ok. We'll be over in about 30 minutes."

I finished putting on my wig and Oscar hat before joining Amanda in the living room. She looked great in a peplum yellow top, black jeans and the feather mask.

"You look great. Flip flops though? It's still drizzling." I questioned.

"Yeah, I've been in California. I didn't pack anything else besides some old converse." She said, embarrassed. "Um, if it's a problem with your friend, I won't go-"

"It's not!" I realized she must have heard my conversation with Amber. "I think she's been drinking already. I apologize in advance." I assessed her feet. "What size shoe do you wear?"

"9- I have big feet-"

"Me too! Come check out my shoes" I waved her to my bedroom. We went into my closet and I pointed out some of my boots and booties. I turned away from Trevor's side of the closet and went to pick out some socks for her.

"I'll just borrow this. Thank you." Amanda grabbed my Uggs.

"No, thank you. I can't share shoes with any of my friends. Remember I get to check out your closet."

She snorted, then cover her mouth. "I don't have that many options."

I smiled. "That's cool. We'll go shoe shopping while you're here. California has better shopping, but you can't beat the prices here."

She changed shoes while I put on Justine's costume. Before we left, I went into my room and grabbed a green and brown check shirt from Trevor's side of the closet. I pulled it on before we left.

Just as I predicted, Amber greeted us at the door, a half empty goblet of wine in her hands. She looked great in a Medusa headpiece, long sleeve gold mini-dress and lace up heels. Her make up was flawless- and heavy

"Sesame Street Monsters in the house!" She cheered. "Justine looks so cute!" She squealed as Justine scurried past her.

"This is Amanda, my sister in law." I introduced them. "Your make-up looks great. You look amazing."

"Thank you! Sammy hooked me up." She said, opening the door wider to let us in.

"Hi. Cool decorations." Amanda gestured around.

Purple and black streamers decorated the entrance way into her house.

"Thank you. Keep walking back. The back living room and patio is my favorite!" Amber pushed us toward.

The front living was adorned with Monster High decorations and black, pink and purple balloons.

"Wait, let me say hello to the kids." I stopped Amber.

Krista and April looked adorable in their Monster High costume. They introduced me to three other girls who completed their group. EJ was there, in a weird costume with a green face, weird jumpsuit, and pointy ears. His friend was dressed as a robot.

"What are you? The green goblin?" I asked, giving him a hug.

"No. I'm Beast Boy. Jayden is Cyborg from Teen Titans." EJ explained, annoyed that I didn't get it.

"I haven't seen that show." I confessed.

"Yeah, cause you like baby shows like Sesame Street." He dissed my costume with a smirk while Jayden laughed.

"Oh yeah? I'm surprised you didn't dress up as Brobee from your favorite show Yo Gabba Gabba." I teased him.

"I don't watch that!" He insisted, passionately.

"What? You used too. You have the stuffed animal and everything. Do you still sleep with him?" I asked while his friend laughed at him now.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!!!"

Amber came to retrieve me as I opened my mouth to respond. "Come here! Say hello to everyone!"

"Ok. Bye kids. EJ; Yo Gabba Gabba, Yo Gabba Gabba, Yooo!!!" I cheered to him.

"Shut up!" He scowled up as I left, chuckling to myself.

We walked through the kitchen to the second living area. I waved at Megan and her boyfriend Dave who had Mike and Sully from Monsters, Inc. caps and were chatting with another couple who wore vampire teeth and a prom King and Queen slashes. They were the parents of Jayden, EJ's friend. After a quick hello, we walked over to the couch were Jake, wearing all black, Kelly and Omar, dressed as mummies, sat chatting.

"Hey, this is my sister in law Amanda." I introduced Amanda as Jake and Omar stood.

 "You're Jenna's sister? I can't see much with the mask, but you two have the same beautiful eyes." Jake stated, holding out his hand.

Amanda nodded shyly, a small smile forming on her lips as she shook his hand. It took everything not to roll my eyes.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jake." Jake said, before turning to me.

I went for a handshake too, but he went for a hug, which made everything awkward.

"Are we doing a bro hug?" He asked, grinning.

"I guess so." I shook my head, going for a half hug.

"You look too pretty to be in a trash can." Jake complimented me. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"And what are you supposed to be? Monster Jake- The lady killer?" I questioned.

"No. The witch's boyfriend." He answered.

"Don't talk about your girlfriend like that." Amber laughed and Jake smiled too, revealing his hidden dimple. I looked away from him.

"Where is everyone else?" I asked, wondering if that was why Jake was speaking to me-because his girlfriend wasn't around.

"Outside. With everyone else taking pictures." Amber said.

I nodded, moving pass Jake to Omar and Kelly. I waved at Omar before hugging Kelly.

"Oh wow, look at the mummy." I said, truly excited by her huge baby bump. "When are you due?"

"December 9th- but the doctor's think it will be before that because of its size." She rubbed her belly proudly.

"Yes! Another member of team Sagittarius!" I cheered."Girl or boy?" I asked.

"We decided not to find out the sex." Kelly responded. I nodded understandingly.

"You better hope it's not a girl. Sagittarius women tend to be crazy." Jake commented with a wink.

I knew he as joking, but it rubbed me the wrong way. "Whatever. Didn't you just celebrate a birthday? 30th? All downhill from there huh?" I quipped.

"I don't think so. Looking pretty good far." He responded.

"Yeah... you enjoy that midlife crisis." I dismissed him.

The backdoor opened and Peyton and Chris made their way inside. They were dressed like Chuckie and his bride. I went over and complimented them on their costume.

"How's Trevor doing?" Peyton asked, immediately.

I forced my face to remain neutral. "He's alright."

"I hate we missed his party. We were hoping he would be here tonight." Chris added.

"He has chemo in the morning, but he says hello and sends his love." I said.

"Yeah, I wanted to reach out. I wasn't sure what to say..." Chris said.

"It's still Trevor- just call or email him. He would love to here from you." I forced another smile. From the look on Peyton's face, my smile wasn't convincing.

 Thankfully, Rocky and Brandon, dressed as werewolves, came in saving me from further conversation. They were followed by two girls I didn't recognize dressed as Freddy and Jason, Jackie as a she- devil, Dino as a witch, Sammy dressed in a cute, sugar skull skeleton jumpsuit and Corey in the same skeleton hoodie Trevor wore. I tore my eyes off Corey to focus on Forrest who came in last.

"Cookie Monster!" I exclaimed, rushing over to Forrest. He was just wearing a t-shirt with his face on it, but he totally coordinated with me considering he picked out my costume. I gave him a hug, waving Amanda over. "You should have told me. I was this close to having Amanda dress up like the cookie monster."

"Eh, it was last minute. I couldn't do all the zombie make-up again." Forrest said, turning his smile on Amanda. "You're Amanda?"

Amanda nodded.

"This is my friend Forrest." I introduced them.

"Ethan and Will got the lights set up for the fearbook. I need a food break before I take more pictures." Rocky announced.

"Speaking of food, what are in the eyeball?" Kelly asked me.

"Oh, it's just meatballs with a mozzarella center and black olives for the eyes." I explained.

"They smell so good. What kind of meat?" She continued.

"Hamburger and Italian sausage." I rattled off.

"Aww, I'm not eating pork." Kelly sighed.

"The baby will be find if you have one meatball Kel." Dino lectured her.

"Good to know. I'm going to go eat." Rocky said, smiling at me.

"I'll make you a plate." Brandon offered.

"No... I got it." Rocky said, politely through her teeth. I grabbed Amanda's arm and followed her.

"So, y'all are dressing up alike now?" I asked Rocky as we made our plates.

"I was just as surprised to see it as you were." She grumbled.

We sat down at the table in the kitchen with a view of the living room. The two women I didn't recognize Amber introduced me as her co-workers Staci and Mia. They were also the mother's of the girls I met earlier in the living room. Forrest joined us, handing Rocky a bottle of hot sauce. When Rocky concentrated on her plate, I gave Forrest an exaggerated wink and thumbs up. He laughed and I turned when I felt eyes on me. I looked around the living room until my eyes clashed with Jake's. I gave him a pointed glare before turning away.

"Lily- what are Ethan and Will?" Amber blurted as they entered the kitchen. I checked out their jerseys.

"Monstars?" I asked, confused, reading their jerseys. Even if I hadn't seen Space Jam, it was right there. Was it a trick question?

"Ha! She has no idea who y'all are either Ethan!" Amber clapped to empathize her point.

"I mean, it's just the jerseys. If I had to guess, I would say Ethan is the one who stole Charles Barkley's talent and Will is Muggsy Bogues. I don't remember their names." I admitted.

Ethan, Forrest and Rocky cracked up laughing while Will got upset.

"Why do I have to be Bogues?" Will exclaimed.

"I don't know! Amber told me to guess." I shrugged.

"I didn't know what they were. Ethan knew you would know." Amber smiled.

"Who hasn't seen Space Jam? That movie was awesome." I added.

"I loved it growing up. I saw it in theaters 3 times." Forrest agreed.

"My brother got tickets to the advance screening and he had 2 best friends he asked to go with him. I wanted to see it so we needed 5 tickets but we only had four. My brother handed over the tickets and we ran through the door before they could count. It made the movie that much better." I recalled excitedly. Everyone laughed at my story.

"I can't believe your dad went for that. He seems very... straight-laced." Amanda smiled

I shook my head. "My dad didn't take us."

He was too busy: we wouldn't have tried it on him. When Cam found out Mr. Perez, my dad's eager to please assistant manger at the time, was taking us instead, he decided to try. Mr. Perez didn't bat an eye when he saw all 4 of us, but when we got to our seats, he suggested I sit in his lap so no one would catch us. At 8, I didn't think much of it. Even my brother at 12 who was suspicious of everything and everyone didn't say anything. Now, thinking about it made me shudder with disgust.

"Hey-are you ok?" Ethan asked, tapping my shoulder and snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, why?" I asked, quickly moving away from his touch.

"No reason." Ethan said, watching me for a moment before Megan called him from the living room.

Everyone was talking about gender neutrality but I didn't join in. I couldn't shake off the feeling of disgust at myself. I wasn't sure why it was affecting me so strongly. I never thought of my relationship with Mr. Perez like that. I tried not to think of it at all. I called it a mistake and moved on. Now I felt a shame so deep it took everything not to run from the house so I could be alone and cry.

"Have you heard from your friend yet?" I asked Amanda, anxiously.

She looked at her phone. "No. No reply. I'll try again."

I tuned out Brandon and Forrest debating about transgenders. I don't even know how it got to that conversation- some comment Forrest made saying just because Rocky's child had a penis didn't make it a boy.

"Urgh, I need some air." Rocky sighed.

"I need a drink." Staci declared.

"Let's go take pictures outside and drink since we can't inside." Amber suggested, sending a dirty look Will's way. He didn't even notice. I followed them, wordlessly.

Staci offered us vodka, I turned it down because I was driving but passed it to Amanda. They took pictures and chatted while I sat back, trying to clear my mind.

"Are you ok?" Rocky asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied.

"No you're not." She confronted me.

"Can we talk tomorrow? Just let me be in character tonight. I'm a grouch." I gestured to my outfit.

She gave me a little nod. "Ok. Tomorrow."

I pulled Trevor's shirt around me and found little comfort in the memory of his scent. I spent the rest of the party faking smiles and forcing myself to contribute in conversations. I put on my disguise, keeping my monsters at bay for the time being. I knew I would have to deal with them eventually, I just wasn't ready to face them today.






***I had a request for a Rocky/Forrest POV and since Rocky is easiest for me, that's what the next post will be. It will be of the party, only because there are a lot of things Lily didn't pick up on because she's dealing with her own inner monsters.***