Shot For Me

"All the care I would take

All the love that we made

Now you're trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to you

It's a shame you didn't keep it...

Take a shot for me (x3)

A shot for me(x2)

May your neighbors respect you

Trouble neglect you

Angels protect you

And heaven accept you" Shot for Me by Drake

"Didn't hear me call your name?" Trevor asked me, keeping his distance but looking me in the eyes.

I looked above him to watch the elevator floor numbers count down. We would be on the ground floor soon. I just needed to hold it together for maybe 30 seconds. "No. I heard you. We don't have anything to say to each other and I have plans."

"I have something I need to say to you. I'm sorry-" He started, sincerely.

"You're forgiven." I cut him off, my eyes not moving from watching the floor count.

"Do you really forgive me? Or are you trying to get away from me?" He asked, gently.

"I forgive you. Now let's just move on."

"I don't want that. I don't want to... To just move on. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were but I want to start making things right." Trevor stated.

I bit my tongue to keep from spewing that things would never be right between us. We were on the second floor now. I shifted on my heels, ready to take off as soon as the door opened. My breath stopped as he took a step towards me. I had no choice but to look at him now. He looked healthy and fit in jeans and a vintage t-shirt; his dirty blonde hair pushed out of his face and deep blue eyes staring right through me...

He reached over and pressed the stop button, catching me off guard as the elevator lurched to an immediate stop. I wobbled forward and he grabbed my waist to steady me.

"Don't touch me!" I yelped, jumping away like his hands burnt me.

"I'm sorry." He said, putting his hands up.

"Yeah! I heard you. I know how sorry you are. Now start the elevator!" I screeched at him.

"I will. Just tell me what I can do to fix this. I mean, look at Bilal and Rocky; I thought they would never be ok but they are. I don't want it to be 5 years and you having a kid before we're ok. I miss you Lily. I miss my friend." He pleaded.

"No." I shook my head, using all my strategies to stay calm. "No. We can never be friends again. You said it, remember? You were absolutely right. Now start the elevator."

He stared at me, and I crossed my arms, unmoved. He released the stop button on the elevator. As soon as the doors opened on the 1st floor, I rushed off as fast as I could move in my stupid heels. I didn't glance back to see if Trevor was following me. I didn't even breath until I was in my car, leaving.

I contemplating calling Uriel to cancel, but I wasn't going to give Trevor that power. Fuck him and his offer of friendship. I made it to the bar about an hour early. I found an empty bar stool and ordered a drink. I down the tequila shot to drink away the images of Trevor and how good he looked.

When the first shot didn't work, I switched to whiskey to burn him out. I ordered a glass of wine too to sip on until Uriel arrived. 20 minutes later, I was 3 drinks down with homicidal thoughts of Trevor running through my mind. I knew I was in no condition for whatever I was doing with Uriel tonight. After I ordered another drink, chips and salsa and mini tacos, I pulled out my phone. It was 30 minutes before our meet, so I quickly sent a text to Uriel.

Me: Something came up. I can't see you tonight.

I put my phone away, telling myself I would deal with him tomorrow. The food, alcohol and the cover band's music was comforting me. I finished up my tacos when I felt someone standing behind me, way too close. I prepared my most vicious I'm-not-in-the-mood-or-interested face before I turned around. I blinked when I saw Uriel.

"Hey... Did you get my text?" I asked, confused as I reached for my phone in my purse.

"Yes. The one that said something came up and you couldn't make it." He said, with a contemptuous look.

"I said something came up and I can't see you." I corrected him, reading from my phone.

"So what came up?" He asked, moving the phone from my face.

"My fucking ex and tequila. Then whiskey and wine. Not a good combination." I confessed.

"Did he show up again?" Uriel looked around, defensively.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. He had no idea what Trevor looked like and what did he mean by again...

"No. Not Christian." I realized who he was looking for. "I told you I handled that. My real ex-boyfriend. Christian was never my boyfriend."

"The one you were friends with for 9 years?" Uriel asked.

"Yep. That one. He wants to be friends again and I can't be in the same room without wanting to strangle him...or straddle him. Or strangle and straddle him at the same time." I griped. 

When a dark look passed on his face, I shook my head. "See? This is why I didn't want to see you tonight. Can you please just leave and forget everything I said and we can try again some other time?"

"I don't think I'm gonna be able to forget the strangle and straddle thing." Uriel admitted.

"Fine. Then just lose my number and have a nice life." I said, spinning in my chair to face the bar and the dessert menu.

Fuck it, chocolate was better than guys anyway.

Uriel wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned in close to my ear. "My ex got married 6 months after she ended our engagement. I fantasized about crashing her wedding, projecting videos of us during the ceremony. We worked together, had the same contacts: it wouldn't have been that hard to do."

I turned my head to look at him, shocked. "Did you?"

"No. I sent them a digital picture frame and wished them the best. I still have the videos though." He said, menacingly.

I giggled. "Remind me to never let you videotape me."

"That's not what you were supposed to take from that." He smiled back.

"What was I supposed to take Uriel?" I questioned.

"That everyone has baggage. It doesn't have to affect what's between us."

"What's between us? I thought after I embarrassed you in front of your colleagues, you didn't want to see me anymore."

"It's not fair Monica will talk to you about me but won't tell me anything about you." He stated, running his finger through his hair. He had it down, and it brushed his shoulders in soft waves.

I twirled a lock through my fingers."She doesn't have anything to tell because I don't talk to her about you."

He sighed, pulling away slightly to lock eyes. "I want to explore what's between us. That's why I wanted to talk tonight; ask if you wanted to continue to see each other."

"I thought you only dated women that were unsuitable because you didn't want a relationship."

"I did."

"Is that what I am to you?"

"No. You might be everything I want in a

woman. I won't know that until we spend more time together- Outside of the bedroom."

I grinned at his admission, before I remembered the women I heard cough over the phone. I knew we were just causal hanging out up to this point, but after he wanted to make sure I ended things with Christian, I needed to make sure what his definition of dating was.

"How would your friend you had over Sunday feel about us dating?"

"Friend?" He asked, confused.

"Yeah. When I called you, someone coughed. A girl..."

"Oh...Elisa." He nodded. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Elisa is my housekeeper and cook." He explained.

"I didn't realize you were that busy." I commented.

"I didn't realize you wanted to be exclusive."

"I don't!" I denied, vehemently. "I mean, I'm not sleeping with anyone else at the moment, but that's my choice just like it's yours. I need to make sure we're on the same page."

"I believe we are. If either one of us wants to turn the page, we'll talk."

I laughed and agreed. Now that I ate, I sobered up a little and I figured I could dance the rest off. When I asked Uriel to dance with me, he declined.

"Wanna walk back to my condo? The exercise and the fresh air should help you sober up. I'll even let you straddle and strangle me if it helps you feel better."

"Do you always invite women to your place to strangle you on the first date?" I smirked.

"Technically, you cancelled tonight so it's not a date." He pointed out.

I grinned. "Touche. Let's go."

The walk to his apartment did help, even though my feet were protesting my heels and his long strides that I had to rush to keep up with. At his place, I did straddle him, wrapping my hands around his throat. I massaged his neck with slight pressure, not enough to cut off his air flow. He enjoyed it as much as I did. After he disappeared in the bathroom, I curled up and went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he was already up in the kitchen.

If I didn't 100% believe he had a housekeeper, I did after Uriel invited me for breakfast. He put together a breakfast of quinoa with tomato, avocado and poached egg. Everything was prepared and labeled with instructions. After we ate, he dropped me off at my car, promising to text me about going out to dinner.

When I got home, I put my phone on the charger and hopped in the shower. As I was drying my hair, my phone rang. I answered it when I saw it was Forrest.

"What do you wanna do today? Did you have plans?" he asked me.

"Umm.. No. Do we have plan?" I asked him.

"Apparently we do. Rocky said to keep you busy while Trevor was in town."

"Give me a minute." I checked my messages from Rocky.

Rocky: Brandon is going to be at my house this weekend. Please hang out with Forrest. He said something about going to a Baylor game soon.

Rocky: I told him Trevor was in town and you needed moral support.

Rocky: Let me know if you really need moral support!

I inwardly sighed. If she wasn't the mother to Ace, I probably wouldn't have been so accommodating to her antics.

"Uh, yeah. Whatever you wanna do, I'm down. She mentioned something about a Baylor game?" I said when I got back on the phone.

"I wanted to make it to one of Darren's Spring football scrimmages. I've been putting it off because of Rocky's pregnancy. She has plenty of help this weekend." Forrest stated.

Darren was the athlete that I rehab while he was a student at Forrest's high school. His girlfriend was the one that spread the rumor of us having an inappropriate relationship.

Reading my mind, Forrest added. "He broke up with Lauren. They didn't even make it to thanksgiving."

"Good. Conniving little bitch."

"Tell me how you really feel."

"Yep, I couldn't when she was a minor. Now that she 18, fuck her."

Forrest laughed. "You sound like one of my students."

"Whatever. Give me 30 minutes and I'll be ready."

I let Justine outside as I got dressed in ripped jeans and a white Baylor tank top. I grabbed my green military style light jacket and matching Creepers. I had Justine's food set and was switching my purse to a drawstring bag when Forrest arrived.

"Let me see the backyard." He smiled as I opened the door for him.

"You will at my party." I promised him, pushing him out the door.

He said he would drive down and let me control the music the whole time if I drove back. I agreed and he chuckled, saying I was now designated driver. I asked what we needed a designated driver for a scrimmage and he advised me there would be a party Darren invited him to.

"Really Forrest? We're partying with college kids?"

"College adults... And yeah. You remember how much fun keggers were."

"Not for me. The few I went to, I held the wall. And I was always designated driver." I grumbled.

"I'll hold the wall with you... You still gotta be designated driver though." Forrest taunted.

"That's cool. It's Nicki Minaj all the way down and Taylor Swift the way back." I said, hooking my phone to his sound system.

"I can deal with that." Forrest shrugged.

"Miley Cyrus too." I added.

"Damn, nevermind. I'll drive back."

I giggled as I put on "Bangerz". After a couple songs, I put on my sing along playlist. It had a mixture of all different genres of songs I like to sing to. Forrest and I sang along as we drove to Waco.

By the time we got there, the scrimmage already started. When Darren spotted us, he waved us over. He looked even taller and more muscular as he introduced us to his athletic trainer before he rejoined his team. As I watched him play, I knew for sure he was faster. He was pulling down balls left and right. His routes and his hands looked amazing. I cheered him one excitedly as Forrest and the athletic trainer walked up and down the sidelines, watching the game and chatting. I stayed in the shade. After the scrimmage and the brief team huddle, Darren came over to us. 

"I didn't know you were coming." He grinned at me. "I thought you would be too busy hanging out with Christian Wilson."

Forrest chuckled and I gave him a look.

"It doesn't matter who I hang out with,  I have to check on my investment. You were flying out there!" I complimented him, patting him on his shoulder pad.

"They don't call me Superman for nothing." He bragged."

"I must be kryptonite cause I brought you down every time I covered you." One of his teammates razzed him.

"Man stop. You broke up two passes." Darren yelled back at him as they headed to the athletic facility. "Y'all are sticking around right?" Darren asked us as he rushed off to catch up with his team.

"Yeah. We'll be out here." Forrest called to him.

While Darren went to change out of his pads and shower with his team, Forrest and I toured the new football stadium. When Forrest asked me about the old one, I had to fess up that I never went to a football game. I explained to him how my friends were not sports fans and since I didn't know anyone on the team, I never went.

We finally met up with Darren and some of his teammates for dinner. I stuck close to Forrest, especially after an offensive lineman tried to flirt with me. Everyone treated the guys like gods because they played football. The waitress didn't check ID and brought free food and drinks out to them. It was kinda ridiculous.

A group of giggly girls eating at the restaurant walked by in tiny shorts and tank tops, openly ogling and flirting with the guys. One tried to get Forrest's attention, but he ignored her. I stared her down, wanting her to think I was his girlfriend and to be ashamed. She just laughed and moved on to the next guy.

"Ohmygod, I was never that bold when I was that age. What's wrong with these kids?" I complained to Forrest once they left.

"Its the culture!" One guy smirked at me.

"Nope. It's the music. We're just straight Outta fucks." Darren sang Christian's song at me.

"Shut up Darren!!!"

We headed to the party at a house off campus. Of course there were kegs and a few makeshift bars. I grabbed a beer and nursed it for the entire night. Forrest did hold the wall with me unless he was getting more beer. I lost count of how many beers he drank as we talked about our college days. Forrest was telling me how wild his football college days were before he met Rachel.

I changed the subject as he chugged another beer. I told him how I almost made friends with a football player. He was in my anatomy lab group. He missed classes a lot and always asked for a copy of my notes. One day, he asked if I wanted to hang out. Being naive about a boy asking me out on a date, I invited him to go see a movie with my friends. After I unintentionally ignored him because Trevor keep monopolizing my time, he never asked to hang out again; just for a copy of my notes.

"How was it seeing Trevor? Rocky said he followed you out. Did you talk to him?" Forrest asked.

I shrugged. "It was whatever. He said he wanted to be friends. I told him I was good on friends. No big deal."

"Rocky made it seem like there might have been some drama."

"Not at all." I shook my head. "Are you and Rocky good? I know it's going to be an adjustment with Ace and Brandon being around more."

"We'll be fine." Forrest said, ending the conversation and finishing his beer.

When he went to get another beer, the offensive line man that was flirting with me earlier came for a 2nd attempt. I keep waiting for Forrest to come back, but Darren ended up saving me, mouthing One Dance by Drake and pulling me from the wall to dance with him. I laughed and gave in, dancing with him once before handing him off to a girl that was eying us.

I turned down other guys requests to dance as I searched for Forrest. He never returned to our spot on the wall. After I finished my beer, I threw my can away and started to look for him. I found him, taking a body shot from a girl that barely looked 21. I headed straight for them and pulled Forrest away.

"How much have you had to drink?" I asked him, searching for signs of intoxication on his face.

"Not enough. Let's take some more shots!" Forrest grinned.

"No. Let's go."

"Why? I don't have any reason to rush. Rocky doesn't want me around while she gets settled with Brandon. Let's stay."

"She's not getting settled with Brandon you dumbass. She's getting settled with Ace. Brandon is his father; he should be with them. You knew all of this when you got together!" I snapped at him.

I grabbed his arm and we said bye to Darren before we left. Forrest didn't say anything as I marched him to his car. He got in the passenger seat and we took off. 20 minutes into the car ride, he was sleep. I turned on Drake to drown out his snores.

I dropped him off at his place, leaving his car and getting an Uber home. Sunday, Mama Smith called to see if I wanted to go to the reggae day party. She was pushing way too hard for me to go out with her and her sons, so after I told her I would give her a call back, I called Rocky. She confirmed that Trevor was still in town and going to the day party as well.

The petty part of me wanted to call Richard or Uriel and go to the day party to give Trevor a taste of his own medicine. I suppressed it and asked if Rocky wanted company instead. When she told me to come over, I asked if she spoke to Forrest today. She told me she did and he would be stopping by later. I then got her lunch order and after I picked up food, I headed to her house. I let myself in and saw Ethan and EJ with Rocky's brothers Ramon and Riley.

"Hey." I said putting the food down and giving everyone a hug."So good to see you." I told Ramon as I hugged him.

"Good to be seen."

"Where are y'all staying?" I asked, pulling away from Riley.

"We're not. Heading back to Houston tonight." Riley told me.

"I'll be back for Memorial day and your party." Ramon promised.

"Awesome. I have a room available... Let me know if you need it." I said, pulling EJ in for a huge hug.

"I will."

It was a little awkward when I tried to hug Ethan. I went in for an one arm hug and he went for a full huge. I laughed it off and gave him a full hug, like normal.

"Rocky went in her room to feed Ace." Ethan told me.

"Ok." I flashed him a smile before I turned to EJ. "How was it meeting your cousin Ace?"

"Alright. He's not very loud. When he cried, he sounded like a kitten."

"I'm sure you did too." I ruffled his hair.

Rocky joined us with Ace and I immediately took him. I held him, inhaling his newborn scent and examining his face to see if anything changed.

"Was I that small?" EJ asked me.

"I don't know. I didn't meet you until you were 4." I smiled at EJ, before looking at Ethan.

"You were actually a little smaller." Ethan told him.

I held Ace until he feel asleep in my arms and Rocky took him to his bassinet. Forrest arrived while she put him to bed and after he greeted everyone, I asked him how he was feeling.

"Good." He nodded, nervously.

When Rocky came back, she asked us how the Baylor trip went. Forrest looked at me, eyes wide, no poker face at all. Rocky narrowed her eyes at me.

"Ugh, I might have grinded on a couple of 18 year olds." I lied.

"Perv." Rocky scoffed, sarcastically.

"Hey! Everyone was legal... Just still young enough for me to mold them." I joked, half heartedly. Ramon and Riley laughed and Rocky shook her head at me. Forrest just swallowed and Ethan's lips tightened just the slightest. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't studying him in my peripheral vision.

"I used to think the same way before I met Sebastian." Mama Smith said, joining us, ready to party in a blue jumper. "Don't turn away a good man messing around with boys."

"I won't Mama Smith."

"Mmhmm. Was Trevor not a good man?"

Thankful, Brandon arrived to take them to the day party and end the conversation.

"That's for your place." Rocky told him as he entered, pointing to a huge welcome home wreath with a blue teddy bear in the center.

"My place? It can stay here." He said, confused.

"It's from Jackie. I don't want it. I figured you might." She told him in a pleasant voice. It took everything to hide my smile at his dumbfounded face. He took it and trashed it before they left.

"You were wrong for that." I told Rocky, with a chuckle.

"Whatever." Rocky shrugged.

Before Ethan and EJ left, EJ told me he was going with a few of his friends to see Batman vs Superman the following weekend. Apparently, D.C. was better than Disney now. When Ethan invited me to come, I told him to text me the details, thinking I should politely decline over text. I knew he was being nice and not wanting it to be awkward, but spending a lot of time together would be awkward now.

I got ready to leave after Ethan and EJ left, wanting to give Forrest and Rocky time alone. Forrest walked me out.

"About last night-" he started.

I stopped him.

"It doesn't matter. I'm just going to blame it on the alcohol this time. If it happens again, I'm going to kick your balls in."

"It won't happen again."

"Good. Your nuts are safe." I waved before I left.

When I got home that night, I saw I had a text from an unknown number.

Unknown: This will be the last time I contact you unless you tell me differently. I'm sorry for everything. The biggest regret I have is when I stopped being your friend. All I want is for you to be happy. If that means me not being in your life I understand. Take care Lily.

I knew it was from Trevor so I didn't respond. The next week, I focused on work, calling to check on Rocky, but giving her time to get in a routine with Ace. I was jealous of all our friends posting pictures with him, but when Rocky thanked me for giving them space, I knew I was doing the right thing. I had the Rihanna conert next weekend, my first date with Uriel set, Ethan sent me details for the movie that I decided to go to and I continued to plan my BBQ to keep me occupied, but Trevor's text sat in the back of my mind all week. I must have read it 100 times, looking for hidden messages and analyzing every word. His text haunted me the entire week.

Friday, I had my appointment with Dr. Pereira. I proudly explained sending the letter to my mom and the heavy burden of my mom's abandonment off my shoulders. She congratulated me, smiling when I explained I had no expectations from my mom, just the truth if she was willing to talk and meet with me.

I then talked about my doubts regarding cutting Trevor off. I asked myself the same question Dr. Pereira asked me all those times I pathetically wished we could be friends after he cut me off: Were Trevor and I true friends? 

I could now admit the answer was no. We were a co-dependent mess that needed each other for happiness because we were broken individually. At least, I was. He was my crutch for so long, I had to fix myself so I could be without him. I finally gotten there.

"Let me ask you this: Do you think you have the capability to be a true friend to him now?" Dr. Pereira questioned me.

"I don't know."

She gave me a soft small. "We've come too far for I don't know."

"I really don't know. I miss him too, but just him mentioning us being friends triggered me. I didn't act out on it, but I wanted to." I admitted.

"What about being friends triggered you?"

"It being on his terms. Like, when I wanted us to be cool he was a major dick. I'm finally at the point were I stopped holding on to all the anger and bullshit and moved on. Now that he wants to be friends, he expects me to just be on board." I explained and she nodded.

"I understand that, but from the sound of his text, it seems like he's accepting the fact that you don't want to have contact with him and letting it be your decision. I will commend him for respecting your boundaries." Dr. Pereira noted.

I shrugged."Yeah...maybe he has changed but that hurts too. He gets to be new, improved Trevor for someone else. It's stings. Not in a want to be with him way, but more like why couldn't we be good together?"

"It's human nature to wonder what could have been. You could be great friends and completely moved on but still have those thoughts. You know why you and Trevor weren't good together in the past. If he has bettered himself, just like you have, there's no telling what the future could bring." She advised me.

"Right. If it's meant to be, it'll be." I sighed.

"Wrong. Long lasting relationships don't happen spontaneous: you work to maintain them. You have to continue to communicate, respect each others boundaries, and be honest about what you need and want. That goes with relationships with anyone: Significant others, family, and friends. If you put the work into a relationship, it'll be."

I nodded thoughtfully and she continued.

"Some relationships have to end; that doesn't mean you won't miss that person. It means that for whatever reason, you're better without them because it's an unhealthy relationship. Only you know what is best for you Lily. I trust you will make the right decision, now trust and believe in yourself." She encouraged me.

What Dr. Pereira said weighed heavily on me all day Friday. When I got home, I took a shower and grabbed a bottle of whiskey planning to take a few shots and go to sleep and not think about it anymore. As I reached to get a shot glass, my eyes landed on one Trevor picked out in the Florida Keys.

After staring at the shot glass, I pulled out my phone instead and friend requested Trevor on all my social media accounts. Small step, but it felt huge to me. It would be a good test for me to conquer my triggers and to see if we could be true friends. I didn't even know what a true friendship would be like with him, but I knew I wanted to try.

5 minutes later, Trevor accepted, sending me a direct message.

Trevor: Hi friend 😁

Me: Not so fast... Let's take it slow and see what happens.

Trevor: Fine by me. Just so you know, I'm hoping we'll be friends by Ace's first birthday.

Me: We'll see. If not, I'll leave his party after the presents but before the cake is cut.

Trevor: Maybe I want to see him open presents too.

Me: Maybe, but I know for sure you don't want to miss out on cake.

Trevor: You know me too well.

I didn't respond to that. I logged off and put the whiskey away, a little smile on my face. 

Dear Mama

"I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night, there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if you hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back, but my plan
Is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated
Lady, don't you know we love ya? (Dear Mama)
Sweet lady, place no one above ya (You are appreciated)
Sweet lady, don't you know we love ya? (Dear Mama)
Sweet lady
Lady (Dear Mama)" Dear Mama by Tupac

I thought about everything Dr. Pereira said in therapy. She made it sound so simple: deal with my mom leaving and moving on. How could I accept that my mom left me after raising me for 4 years? How do I even acknowledge it if I didn't understand why? I tried to remember my mom: the few memories I had now confused themselves with dreams. I recalled everything my dad and aunt said about her, which wasn't much as both chose not to talk about her.

Rocky called me Friday evening, and that's the only thing that brought me out of my funk. She told me she talked to her mom and ended up invited her to stay until Ace was born. Rocky said she went over guidelines and stressed that she needed her help, not criticism and her mom agreed. Mama Smith would be in Dallas sometime Saturday. I promised Rocky I would be over on Saturday before getting out of bed.

 I got on my laptop in my study and pulled up the information my cousin Benjamin sent me on my mom. I looked over the letter I tried to write to her: It still didn't sound right. I deleted it and tried to write again. Everything in my head didn't come out right. Or maybe it wasn't good in my head either. I had no idea. I just knew thinking about the letter was giving me a headache, so after an hour I put my laptop up and took Justine for a run.

Saturday morning, I got a call from Ethan, asking if I wanted to barbecue. After I cleared it with Rocky, I invited him over to her house for my next lesson. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone: play buffer between Rocky and her mom and not be alone with Ethan. He had EJ, but this way at Rocky's house, there would be no more deep conversations or meaningful looks. Just barbecue ribs and keeping Mama Smith civil.

When I got there, I quickly saw I was not needed as a buffer. Mama Smith was doting on Rocky, fetching whatever she needed, making sure she was comfortable as she did some light cleaning. I gave Rocky a smug look, even though I was stunned  myself that I was right.

We caught up and Mama Smith was telling us about a new man she was dating, her retired cop neighbor Sebastian that she swore up and down she didn't want anything to do with.

"Isn't he in his 50s?" Rocky asked, surprised.

"He doesn't look it. Or act it. He has the stamina of a teenager." Mama Smith crackled.

I giggled while Rocky made a face. "I just meant he is age appropriate Mama."

"Age ain't nothing but a number. He does have a son that lives out here. Owns his own business." Mama Smith looked over at me.

"Not interested." I said, shaking my head.

"Why not? Are you dating?" Mama Smith asked me.

I frowned, thinking about how Uriel blew me off and the way things ended with Christian. The doorbell rang, saving me from answering that question. I knew it was Ethan. It was the exact time we set for him to drop by. Bless him and his punctuality!

"Hey Ethan! Hey EJ!" I greeted them warmly as I opened the door. I gave EJ a hug before he came inside. I grabbed Ethan's arm and led them to the living room.

"Look who's here." I announced them, taking the bag Ethan was holding and retreating to the kitchen. Mama Smith began talking to EJ and Ethan as I opened the bag. A slab of ribs were wrapped and marinating. I smiled when I saw the same beer we drank at my house a few weeks ago. I definitely needed it. I cracked one open and took a few gulps while I listened to Mama Smith lecture Ethan on teaching his brother how to co-parent. I smiled and shook my head at her backhanded compliment on how well adjusted EJ was with the mess he and Megan went through. I almost finished my beer when Ethan told Mama Smith he should get the ribs on and rejoined me in the kitchen.

"What was that?" Ethan asked me.

"What do you mean?" I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, hiding my smile.

"Leading me to the slaughter and running off?"

I held back a laugh. "Slaughter? Mama Smith just wanted to catch up with you. She already caught up with me."

"Ah, no wonder you're hiding out in here."

"I have no idea what your talking about." I batted my eyelashes at him.

"Do you have something in your eye?" he asked, faking concern.

I finally laughed out loud. "No. That was my innocent face!"

He smirked at me. "You need to work on that." he said. "You ready to get started?"

"Yes. Let's escape... Er, barbecue." I smiled.



We got the fire started and he taught me how to monitor and control the heat when barbecuing. Between EJ running in and out, showing me videos and asking his dad when he can show the surprise and me blabbing to Mama Smith about my backyard party, I stayed occupied and was rarely alone with Ethan. If we ever were alone, I found an excuse to leave, majority of the time checking on Rocky.

Brandon stopped by after he got off just in time as we sat down to eat. As they talked about childcare, maternity and paternity leave, I was pleased by how well Brandon and Mama Smith got on. I could tell Rocky was more shocked than anything.

"Must be Sebastian and all his stamina." I teased to Rocky under my breath, pretending to bite my rib.

Rocky glared at me and I hid my grin by eating.

"Hmph, that's alright. I'm gonna get Mama to give his son your number." Rocky muttered back, sopping up her bbq sauce with a piece of white bread.

"You better not!" I threatened her as she ate her bread with a grin.

"Why not? No kids, never been married. Are you dating someone?" Mama Smith asked me, from across the table.

How the fuck did she hear us?

"A little bit." I replied before changing the subject. "Why aren't these as tender as y'all dad's ribs?"

"Dad smokes his." Brandon answered.

"I need to know how to smoke!" I turned to Ethan.

"He also uses a smoker and at least 6 hours." Ethan advised me.

"Nevermind. These are tender enough." I declared and they laughed at me.

"How do you date someone a little bit?" Mama Smith pressed.

"Mama, mind your business!" Rocky snapped at her, giving her a look. "She doesn't want you questioning her. She's grown."

"I don't care how grown y'all kids get, ya always need help from your mama. Since her mama ain't in the picture, I'm just making sure she's good." Mama Smith fired back.

"You good Lily?" Rocky turned to me.

"Yes." I nodded. When Mama Smith narrowed her eyes at me, I continued. "I'm meeting new people; putting myself out there. No boyfriend. My therapist looks out for me so I'm good."

"Therapist?" Mama Smith said, outraged. "You don't need no therapist."

"EJ, why don't you get dessert and tell everyone your great news?" Ethan spoke up, nodding to EJ.

EJ grinned, excitedly and got up. He pulled out cupcakes with little basketball decorations. "I made the basketball team." He announced with a little dance.

We all congratulated him, enthusiastically as he passed out cupcakes. I was gratefully for the subject change almost as much as I was proud of EJ. I shot Ethan an appreciative smile before I ate my cupcake.

After dinner, I helped put up the food before EJ came outside with me to run around while I cleaned the grill. I was scrubbing it down when Ethan joined me. He asked EJ to go inside to start gathering his things.

"I can help you with that." He offered.

"No. I need the experience to be a grill master." I stated, pausing to talk to him. "I got it. Go back inside and give Brandon advice on co-parenting since you and Megan have it down."

"It's not an exact science; it took a lot of trial and error. They'll figure out what works best for them." Ethan said. "Besides, I wanted to finish the conversation we were having last week."

"What conversation?" I asked, pretending not to remember, hoping to end the conversation.

"You asked me before if I ever felt passion. That spark, that connection you talked about? The last time I felt that was with you. I still feel it with you."

"Ethan." I stopped him, my heart thumping in my chest at his admission. I halted my scrubbing to look at him. I wasn't prepared, so I spoke from my heart. "We never even really dated. Maybe it's because of how we got together or everything that happened or the way things ended that you still have those feeling. I never really understood what it was between us either."

"If you never understood what it was between us, is there any harm with us dating now to figure it out?" He asked me.

"Yes. Our friendship. I don't want to harm that."

"I hear you." Ethan nodded, thoughtfully. He turned to go inside, before turning back to me. "Our friendship has survived a lot over the years. At one point, I didn't think we would ever have this conversation but we are. That tells me we can bounce back from anything. If you ever change your mind Lily, let me know." He said before going back inside.

I went back to scrubbing, trying to get Ethan's words out my head. EJ came outside to say goodbye and I followed him inside. Ethan gave me a hug like normal before he left with EJ. I went home, staring at my laptop and my letter to my mom. I gave up after 5 minutes before I went to sleep.

That night, I dreamt of being a mom and having a baby with beautiful intense brown eyes. I chalked it up to Ethan bringing up all the things our friendship survived. I knew he was referring to him accusing me of having an abortion. I honesty wanted nothing to do with him afterward, but we did bounce back. That was a testament to how strong our friendship was, but I knew from personal experience that dating had a way of destroying friendships. I sat up Sunday morning, hugging myself as his words mixed in with Dr. Pereira's. Maybe I pushed him away back then... Maybe I'm doing the same now...

I didn't want to think about it. I needed to keep my mind occupied. Not wanting to stare at my laptop anymore, I started gathering all the bottles of alcohol that belong to Sammy and drove to her apartment. I didn't call to give her a heads up, hoping Sunday was still her off day.

I knocked on her door, waited a few moments before Corey opened it. He gave me a bright smile, as if he didn't know I screamed at his girlfriend to stay out my life.

"C'mon in." He moved aside.

"Thanks." I smiled back as I stepped in the apartment. Sammy was sitting on the couch, watching me with a curious expression before she stood up.

"Hey." She said.

"Hey." I returned.

Corey grabbed his books from the table. "I'll be in the room." He said, before leaving.

When he left, I held up the bag in my hands. "I brought your alcohol. Minus the coconut rum. There wasn't much left of it. I will replace it once the liquor stores open."

"That's ok. We only use the brands that sponser us or send us free bottles. You can keep those." Sammy informed me.

"Oh. Ok. Thanks." There was brief moment of silence before I asked, "Can we talk?"

"Yes. You wanna sit?" Sammy asked me.

"Sure." I said, moving to the couch. When she sat on the opposite end, I took a deep breath. "When Trevor and I broke up, it was like you stop supporting me in favor of Trevor." I explained.

"I didn't mean that. I just saw how much he still loved you and struggled with what he did. I hounded him about getting back together with you. I wanted you two to make it work."

"There was no way to make it work when we were so broken. The way he left and cut me off with no explanation brought up every insecurity and doubt I ever felt. I understand now it was his insecurities that made him do that. I wish I had the strength to be there for him back then, but I didn't. I just felt abandoned. And I felt the same way when you supported him and not me."

"I should have been there for you and I wasn't. I have no other explanation except I'm sorry." Sammy apologized.

"It's OK. I forgive you."

I opened up to her about the whole Christian situation and why I yelled at her about the sleeping with Richard accusation. She told me about the confrontation between Christian and Trevor at South by Southwest. Ian and Jeremy were the only ones that went to Christian's show and they all planned to meet up at an after party held by the radio station Bilal worked for.

Christian ended up at the after party too. Sammy saw how upset Trevor got seeing him and when he started drinking excessively, she told him she didn't think I was serious with Christian. She sited me leaving the bar with Richard as proof. Sammy said that Christian ended up joining their group at the outside bar. When he made some comment about ducking groupies, Johnny asked him why he would be hiding from hot girls. Christian replied he had a hot, good girl already. Trevor guffawed loudly, grabbing Christian's attention.

"What's so funny?" Christian asked him.

"Does Lily know about your good girl?" Trevor asked him.

"Lily is my girl." Christian responded, cockily.

Trevor's eyes turned dark but he smiled. "Does she know that?"

"She knew it in New York last month. She'll know it again when I fly her out to see me in Miami next week." He said with a knowing grin.

"Did she know it on St. Patrick's Day?" Trevor asked, matching his cocky tone.

"Trevor." Sammy hissed at him.

"What?" Christian demanded, looking between Sammy and Trevor. Sammy looked at Trevor, pleadingly.

"How long did you wait before you made a move on her? How long did she friend zone you after I broke up with her?" Trevor questioned him.

"It doesn't matter now. I'm taking care of her better than you ever did." Christian stated haughtily.

Trevor laughed, humorlessly. "Yeah? When she was with me, she never fucked anyone else, but whatever works for y'all."

"Let's go Trevor!" Sammy stood up, motioning for Corey to help her.

"Bullshit." Christian said, coolly but that only spurred Trevor on.

"Ask her about Richard. She's gonna say he's just a friend; just like me and her and you and her; we both know better." Trevor laughed as Corey pulled him from the bar

 "You don't know shit. That's why she's with me." Christian called after him as Sammy and Corey led him away.

"Good luck with that, asshole." Trevor hurled over his shoulder before they disappeared inside.

By the end of Sammy's story, I was disgusted with both of them.

"I swear, I would have never told Trevor if I knew he would bring it up in front of everyone. I went off on him that night. After I saw the video your brother posted for his anniversary, with that song Trevor sang at Rocky's birthday party, I cut him off completely." Sammy finished.

I shook my head, sadly. "Don't cut him off. He needs friends to call him out on his shit. I doubt he's getting that with fucking J-Mike."

"I care about our friendship. Is there anyway for us to salvage it?" Sammy asked.

"I don't know. I guess time will tell. I just don't want us to have hard feelings." I said truthfully.

"Me neither." She said.

We spent the rest of the afternoon catching up. Corey came out, peaking at us as we laughed at Christian's social media. I still had him blocked, letting him deal with his truth while I dealt with mine. I couldn't help but laugh as Sammy showed me and made fun of his poor me, everyone does me wrong statuses and videos.

"Is it safe to come out?" Corey asked.

"No... Unless you want to hear me bitching about you." Sammy threatened him. We laughed some more when he hightailed it back to the room.

I went home that evening, glad to clear the air with Sammy. Still avoiding my letter to my mom, I called Uriel hoping to clear the air with him too.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Hey. Are you busy?" I asked him.

"No. I have some time."

"I just wanted to explain the whole Christian situation. I did end things with him a few weeks ago. I stopped all communication with him but he thought it was just an argument not us ending things. He knows now it's over and I'm sorry for any misunderstandings." I explained.

"Ok. I appreciate it." Uriel responded.

"Ok." I was going to ask him about continuing our acquaintance with benefits, when I heard a cough in the background. A feminine cough. I flushed, automatically assuming he moved on to the next girl. Even if he didn't, I decided against badgering him about seeing each other. He already answered that question when he never called me back. "Ok. So that's it. I'll let you go. Have a good one." I said, hanging up.

I lay down in bed, motioning Justine next to me.

"You're all I need in this world Justine. Fuck everyone else." I said to her.

When she just rolled over on her back, looking for a rub, a smiled and rubbed her down.

Monday, I returned to work, with Dr. Clayton grumbling about how he missed me on Friday. I ignored his tone, assuming it was because I called in. I greeted Q who was training on his first day. I made plans to have lunch with him at the cafe before I started working when Dr. Fahri called me to the office. I knew I was getting a lecture about missing Friday. I mentally prepared myself for it when Dr. Fahri showed me an X-ray instead. It was hairline fractures on Paul Bolen injuried leg.

I groaned, disappointingly. "I knew this would fu- freaking happen."

"Yes, you did." Dr. Fahri smiled, proudly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You realize he has to rehab all over again from square one?"

The smile never left his face. "Yes. He's requested to work with you. Do you realize this goes all the way up to Dr. Tran?"

"So?"

"So, Dr. Clayton, who has been here much longer than you, went against your recommendation and the client was re-injured. This reflects positively on you."

And you. 

While it may have looked good for me, and him because he recommended me, he obviously missed the point were Bolen now had to start all over with his rehab. Was proving Dr. Clayton and Dennison wrong worth that? It didn't feel like it.

"I backed Fallon's recommendation so I'm giving him to her exclusively. Schedule a time for all 3 of us to meet whenever he's available." I told Dr. Fahri, standing up.

"Absolutely. Keep up the good work." He said, whistling to himself happily as I left. I went and started my day, pushing my thoughts aside.

On my lunch, I went out to my car to vent to Monica.

"Now tell the truth, aren't you a little bit happy?" Monica prompted me.

"Of course not! I didn't want him to get hurt again. I was honestly hoping for the best." I denied.

"I know girl, but think about how they made you feel young and powerless. It's gotta make you feel a little good for them to have egg on their face."

"Not at the expense of my client." I pointed out. Although a very small part of me was feeling vindicated as I remembered Dr. Clayton and Dennison arrogance.

"I don't believe it. You know you wanna go run up and tell them 'I knew it, I knew it, i knew it all along. You fools just wouldn't listen I was right and you were wrong'." Monica sang.

I couldn't help laughing. "Alright. The immature part of me that I'm trying to expunge is loving it." I admitted.

"Enjoy your moment." She laughed. "Speaking of enjoying a moment, what's up with you and Uriel?" She asked.

"Nothing. What moment are you talking about?" I asked, curious.

"Him getting all mad when you left with that rapper." Monica said with glee.

"First of all, he's a producer. And I did not leave with him. Not really. Did Uriel tell you he was mad?" I asked.

"He didn't have to, I could tell. He told Trent the whole situation made him look unprofessional in front of his colleagues, but that's bullshit. He was jealous, meaning that he likes you!" Monica concluded.

"That's a reach Monica." I argued, but warmed at the possibility of Uriel being jealous and not just over hooking up with me. Even though that didn't explain the mysterious woman with him when I called.

"Nope. That's 1+1=2. You+Uriel= a huge ass baby named Monica." Monica joked.

"Shut up!"

"I'm gonna sing at your wedding: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it all along! You fools just wouldn't listen I was right and you were wrong'!"

"Bye Monica!!!" I got off the phone with her, laughing to myself.

On Tuesday, I was able to meet with Paul Bolen and Fallon to outline a new rehabilitation plan that would have him out for the summer league, but ready for the start of the next season. I was feeling good when I saw the confidence that Fallon displayed as she went over the plan. If anything good came out of this mess, it was Fallon being vindicated, not me. I assured Paul I would be around every step of the way and if he ever needed me to just let me know.

On Wednesday, I was meeting with my team during a huddle when I got the text I've been waiting for: Rocky was in labor. As soon as my team left, I called Mama Smith to make sure it was the real deal.

"Her water broke so he's coming, one way or another." Mama Smith confirmed.

I could barley hold in my excitement. I was full of nervous energy the rest of my day. Dr. Clayton and Q both picked up on it and I told them my godson was on his way into the world. Q congratulated me before he left and Dr. Clayton offered to cover my shift. While I appreciated his offer, I knew between Mama Smith, Forrest, Brandon, and his family, Rocky had more than enough support. That didn't stop me from calling every chance I had for updates.

Rocky was in labor for 6 hours and still was not dilated enough. Mama Smith informed me that Rocky still was hoping for a vaginal birth, but if Ace showed any signs of distressed, they would go ahead with the Cesarean section. By the time I got off, Rocky was being prepped for surgery. By the time I got there, she was already in surgery. I sat beside Forrest as we waited.

A long 30 minutes later, Mama Smith came out with a huge smile on her face.

"Ace is here. 9lbs, 3 oz and 22inches long." She announced proudly.

Forrest and Ethan hung back, but I followed Deborah into the room with Mama Smith.  Rocky looked exhausted, but beamed at her son who she held in her arms. Brandon stood over them, a look of amazement as he gazed upon both them. Tears formed in my eyes as I saw the precious little bundle wrapped in a blue blanket. He was pale, all shriveled up with his eyes closed, a full head of dark hair and absolutely adorable.

Deborah went over right away, gushing over his features, proclaiming how perfect he was.

"Congratulations." I choked on emotion, moving to the other side of the bed to Rocky.

"Thank you." Rocky smiled, taking her eyes off Ace briefly to smile at me.

The nurse eventually took Ace from Rocky's arms so they can finish evaluating him and get her to a regular hospital room. Brandon went with Ace while Deborah stepped out to make phone calls. Me and Mama Smith stayed with Rocky until they wheeled her into her room.

Once she was settled, Rocky turned to me. "Is Forrest still here?" She asked.

I nodded.

"Can you send him in? I feel like I'm gonna be out any second now and I really want to see him." She said, tiredly.

"Of course." I left the room and went to retrieve Forrest. When Forrest went to her, I grinned at Ethan.

"He's beautiful."

Ethan nodded. "I saw him on the way to the nursey."

"He has the huge Carter head."

"All babies have large heads."

"Not all babies have to born by c-section like Ace, EJ, you and your brother." I teased.

Ethan smiled. "Who told you that?"

I smiled back. "Your mom."

When we saw Brandon wheeling the baby back to the room, Ethan and I both followed. Rocky watched Brandon with Ace, her hand in Forrest's. Brandon walked around with Ace, giving us the opportunity to hold him. My first time holding him, I couldn't stop the tears that fell down my face. I felt nothing but unconditionally love for this precious and perfect tiny human being in my arms.

I looked up and saw Ethan watching me. I held out my arms for him to take Ace. He did and I excused myself from the room. All these emotions came over me all at once and I couldn't control it; I silently sobbed as I made my way the the bathroom. I went into a stall and cried letting it all out for a good 5 before I made my way to the sink. My eyes and face were red and I wet paper towels with cold water to pat my face. It took 10 minutes for most of the redness to go away and I felt stable enough to rejoin everyone.

When I came out the bathroom, Ethan was watching the door, obviously waiting for me. I gave him a shaky smile, which he didn't return, just studied my face. He walked over to me and I took a deep breath, not wanting to get into why I left and was so emotional.

"Here." He handed me a pack of blue candy cigars. "I thought you might want to hand these out."

"Ok. Thank you." I breathed before I headed back to the room.

Peyton and Amber had arrived while I was in the bathroom and they were gushing over Ace as well. Forrest asked if I was ok, and I smiled sincerely as I handed out the blue candy cigars. We all laughed and took pictures of baby Ace before we filed out letting Rocky get her rest. Mama Smith and Brandon were staying overnight with them.

When I got home, I was too amped to sleep so I pulled out my laptop. I finally wrote and finished a letter to my mom. It read:

Hello,

My name is Lilian Carol Harris. I was born on December 3rd 1988 in California. I was placed for adoption and was raised by Carlos Ortiz in California. I currently reside in Texas and I'm trying to get in contact with my birth mother Paula Harris. If you are the person I'm looking for, I would very much like to be in touch- maybe eventually meet. I have questions about you and our brief time together and I would answer any questions you have about me. Below is my contact information. I look forward to hearing from you.

Your Daughter,

Lilian Carol Harris

I debated how I would send it to her; Email seemed impersonal but the mail took forever. I ended up doing both: I emailed it and did a hand written letter as well.

The next morning, I put the letter in the certified mail so I would know when she received it. After the letter was sent out, I felt like I climbed a mountain or ran a marathon. Finally sending that letter was a huge accomplishment for me. I used to be terrified of her response: maybe she wanted nothing to do with me, maybe she wouldn't even responsed, or worst, maybe I had the wrong infomation.

Meeting Ace gave me the courage to reach out. The circumstances Ace was born into were not perfect, but Ace was perfect. I felt this instant protective instinct to watch over him and keep him from harms way no matter what; and he wasn't even my child. Holding Ace last night is what made me acknowledge that as a child, there was nothing I could do to make my mom give me up. I didn't know why she did, but no matter the reason, I accepted her decision was a reflection of her, no me. With that, the fear or reaching out went away. Regardless, I was finally at peace. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Feeling wonderfully light, I made a call to Mama Smith to see if anyone needed anything. Rocky requested a chicken biscuit from Chick Fila. I wasn't sure who was all there, so I ordered 10 combos with orange juice and coffee and took them to the hospital. Brandon, Deborah, Albert, Mama Smith and Jake were there. After I handed out food and gave the leftovers to the nurse staff, I held baby Ace again as they debated who he most resembled. I didn't pick a side, I said he was the perfect blend of all of his family.

I keep my phone on me all day, waiting for any updates and calls about Rocky and Ace. Both of them were healthy besides Rocky recovering from the c-section, but her doctor wasn't planning on releasing either of them for a couple more days. I didn't get any updates from Mama Smith, but I did get a text from Uriel, asking to meet up on Friday.

I was surprised that not only did he text me, but he asked me out to drinks, not just over to his place. Although drinks wasn't really a date, I wondered if Monica maybe be right about him being jealous. Intrigued, I agreed to meet him. We planned to met at the same bar I had my birthday party Friday night.

Friday morning, I got a delivery from UPS in the mail. I groaned, thinking it was another gift from Christian, but the return label was from Ethan. I tore it up, equal parts relieved and anxious. I was fully thrilled when I saw a grill kit. There was also a blue apron covered in white lilies like the outdoor dinner set I bought. I described it to Mama Smith, but I had no idea Ethan was paying attention as I blabbed. The front was personalized with the phrase "Grill Master". I grinned happily as I put it on.

My first reaction was to snap a pic and send it to Ethan saying thank you. I rethought it and gave him a call instead. He answered and I told him I got his gift.

"Thank you so much Ethan."

"You're welcome. You can exchange either one if you need to."

"No. It matches perfectly. I can send you a picture."

"That's ok. I'd rather see it in person." He replied.

I had no idea why my body flushed with arousal at the statement.

"Yeah... Of course. I'll debut it at my party." I stammered.

"Nice. I gotta get back to work. I'll talk to you soon?"

"No, yeah. Of course. Talk to you later." I rushed off the phone. 

I was now flushed with embarrassment. With the hell was wrong with me? I was worried about him being uncomfortable with me turning him down and I was acting like a fool.

After work, I went home and put on a fitted black maxi dress, a sheer gray cardigan and sliver strappy heel. After doing my make-up, straightening my hair, and putting on silver studs and dangling earrings, I still had a couple hours before my meet up Uriel. I decided to visit Ace and Rocky. She was set to be released Saturday and since I planned to give her time to settle at home, I needed to get in my Ace time!

I made my way into the hospital room and almost tripped on my heels as I saw Trevor sitting down holding baby Ace. The only time I didn't call before I came, he was there...

"Hey Lily." Bilal said. I tore my eyes off Trevor to notice Bilal sitting in a chair next to Rocky as she slept.

"Hey Bilal." I smiled, nervously before turning back to Trevor. I planned to focus on baby Ace but Trevor's eyes found and held mine. I broke eye contact and we both looked at baby Ace. He was wide awake, with his eyes on Trevor.

"You wanna hold him?" Trevor asked me, looking back at me.

I shook my head. "No, that's ok. I'll get him all the time when you go back to Austin." I said, lightly, still staring at Ace.

"Oooo Lily." Mama Smith whistled as she returned to the room, holding a huge mug of ice and a couple of jugs of juice. "Where you going all dressed up?" Mama Smith asked me.

"I dressed up for Ace." I joked, giving her a little smile.

"Nuh-Uh." She clicked her tongue. "That's dressing up for a man. Who is he?" She interrogated me.

"I'm just going out for drinks with some people I work with." I lied, pulling my cardigan closed over my dress.

"Any men work friends?" She continued, ignoring my discomfort.

"Mama-" Rocky said, waking up.

"I know I know. Mind my damn business. You see what I mean Bilal? I can't say nothing." Mama Smith grumbled.

"I learned that about a week after meeting your daughter." He smirked.

"Y'all both shut up." Rocky said, sitting up slowly. Bilal stood to help her, but she waved him off with a smile. She looked over at Ace and Trevor before giving me a concerned look.

"I actually need to get going so I'll talk to you later." I said, giving Rocky a hug before I left. "Call me when you make it home tomorrow. Good seeing y'all." I waved.

Bilal gave me a genuine smile which I returned. When I looked over at Trevor, his eyes darkened a hue, and for the first time in a long time I saw every emotion behind them. Longing, pain, regret and lust...Or maybe love.....

I turned away and made long strides out the room. I almost made it to the elevator when I heard him call my name. I pretended not to hear him as I pressed the down button repeatedly. The doors finally opened. I went inside, pressing the first floor button, willing the elevator door to close. When it finally started to close, the relief I felt was short lived as an arm stopped it.

The door opened and Trevor stepped in. I took a deep breath as the door closed behind him and we were left in the elevator alone together.

False Alarm

"Diamonds and the rings are her fantasy

She chase hearts with the Hennessy

You love her, but you'll never be

Enough, enough

She loves everybody

Can't you tell by the signs?

She loves everybody

She gets off all the time

It's a dark philosophy

And it haunts her constantly

She's a false alarm to me

She's a false alarm
False Alarm (Hey Hey Hey Hey!)." False Alarm by The Weeknd

Ethan trailed me to the hospital in Lewisville. His presence behind me was the only reason I didn't break every traffic violation on the way. Lewisville was not where her doctor practiced from, so I automatically assumed the worst. It was a couple weeks before her due date, but still, anything could happen... I calmed down, banishing those thoughts from my mind. I told myself everything was fine and Rocky was going to deliver a healthy baby.

We parked in the parking garage before we hurried to the labor and delivery department. I pulled out my phone to call Brandon as Ethan headed to the nurse's station. Brandon didn't answer so I was calling again when Ethan waved at me.

"She's in room 312." Ethan said.

The nurse advised us to let the doctor finish the examination before we went in. I paced nervously by the door. Ethan was on the phone with his mom when the doctor came out. Ethan told his mom he would call her back as I went into the room.

"Rocky!" I said, immediately picking up on the tension in the room as I rushed to her side. Forrest was sitting in the chair next to her and gave me a nod. Brandon didn't even look up; he just stared at the monitor. Rocky looked drained, and I felt absolute dread. "What's wrong? Is everything ok?"

"Everything's fine. I'm not in labor. Just a few contractions. I tried to tell him." Rocky assured me, sending Forrest a look.

"Rather safe than sorry." Forrest said, giving her a small smile.

Brandon crossed his arms, rigidly.

What the fuck? Was he mad Forrest brought her? I would have too!

Ethan finally joined us in the room and Rocky explained it was a false alarm. Ethan must have picked up on the same vibes I was feeling because he asked Brandon to step out so he could call their parents. Brandon did, not saying a word, but glaring at Forrest as he left. If looks could kill, Forrest would be dead.

"Ok...what was that?" I declared as soon as the door closed.

Forrest shook his head before Rocky sent me a pleading look. "Not now. I just want to relax so I can go home."

"Ok." I said, taking a seat in another chair.

Rocky looked over my outfit and make-up as I checked out the monitor.

"Where were you at all dressed up?" Rocky asked me.

I blushed, thinking about what transpired at the bar with Ethan...

"Q's last day happy hour." I said simply.

Rocky's phone went off and she sighed. "My mama. I wish he didn't text her."

I took Rocky's phone and sent texts letting everyone know it was a false alarm. Ethan and a more calm Brandon returned while I was talking on the phone with Mama Smith. She was going off and asking if she needed to drive out to help Rocky take it easy. When I relayed that to Rocky, she immediately shook her head no. When I told Mama Smith we had it covered, she demanded I put her on speaker phone.

"You need to be on bed rest! I don't care what no doctor says, that baby needs 40 weeks. You came a month early and you've been running me ragged every since. You want that?" She ranted.

"No Ma'am." Rocky said, keeping the annoyance out her voice but I could see it on her face.

"You're damn right you don't. What did you do today?" She interrogated her.

"Nothing." Rocky said flustered.

Brandon's calm left the window and he killed Forrest a second time with a glare. Forrest looked unbothered as he took Rocky's hand in his. I looked over at Ethan; his face was completely neutral, but I knew he either knew or at least suspected what was going on.

"Nothing my ass. You betta stop messing around and rest, you hear me-" Mama Smith continued. When I could tell Rocky was losing patience, I cut her off.

"That's the doctor Mama Smith. I'll call you back when she's released." I lied.

"You tell that doctor-"

I hung up before she could finish. "Jesus. She must have been born 3 months early." I muttered.

Ethan smirked, but other than that, no response from anyone else.

After another hour, Rocky was cleared to go home. Rocky asked Forrest to meet her at the house, but opted to have Brandon drive her home. Forrest clearly wasn't happy with her choice, but respected her decision. After saying bye to Ethan, I walked out with Forrest who parked at the ER entrance.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, thinking I already knew the answer.

"Rocky started having contractions so I brought her here." He started.

"Ok..." I trailed off, knowing that wasn't the full story.

Forrest sighed, heavily. "The doctor asked what she was doing before the contractions started. She just had an orgasm."

 If I wasn't so mortified, I would have laughed. "Ugh-" I started.

"Save it. What Rocky and I chose to do behind close doors is our business." He said, sharply.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean it like that. Well, a little because your like my brother and she's like my sister." I clarified. "I'm just putting myself in Brandon's shoes. He had to hear that?" I questioned.

"Should she have lied to the doctor?" Forrest asked, rhetorically.

"Couldn't she have said like yoga? Same thing right?"

"Yoga?"

"Yes... She's with child. All sexual activities should be like yoga anyway." I joked with a smile.

He cracked a smile too. "It is. We're saving the decathlon until after Ace is born-"

"Ohmygod, stop." I covered my ears and ran away.

Forrest laughed as he followed me.

I was glad Forrest was able to find the humor in the situation, but Rocky didn't. Saturday morning, I headed over to check on her and see if she needed me to do anything. After Forrest left, Rocky told me she tried to apologize to Brandon for worrying him on the ride home. He told her he didn't want to talk about it, but requested her to stay in Dallas close to her doctor instead of out in Lewisville where Forrest lived. She agreed, but was talking it to the extreme by not wanting to see Forrest at all until the baby was born.

"I get it. It's hard, but that's not really fair to Forrest." I argued.

I know but Brandon is-"

"Going to have to get used to you two being together if this is going to be long term." I finished for her.

When she got quiet, I looked at her. "Do you see a future with Forrest?" I asked her seriously.

"If I didn't I wouldn't be dating him." She answered right away before she sighed. "I don't know what that looks like with Ace and Brandon. I really need time to think about everything. Forrest is already planning to be here every night with me so I'm not alone." Rocky explained.

"I can be here instead. Have you thought of a nice way of telling Forrest to back off?" I thought out loud.

"No. That's the problem. Anyway I say it he's going to take it wrong. You think I can still get a bitch pass with pregnancy hormones?" She stated, sarcastically.

I frowned until I got a great idea. "Your mom has an all year bitch pass!" I exclaimed.

"Oh, so I'm going to turn into my mom?" Rocky sneered at me.

"No! Invite your mom out here like she wants. How can Forrest get upset at you wanting your mom around? Let her be the bitch while you relax!"

"One problem: I can't relax with her around. You heard her on the phone."

"I think that was her way of trying to bully you into asking her to come out." When Rocky gave me a crazy look, I quickly explained."Think about it. Her baby girl is having a baby. Her youngest child and only daughter, who is single and lives alone, is about to give birth. What mother wouldn't be concerned? And she's probably a little hurt you haven't wanted her with you. I bet she would chill if you invite her out here."

Rocky thought about it, still looking skeptical. "Maybe. I'll talk to her. See what she says before I invite her."

I spent the entire weekend with her, only leaving to go grocery shopping and to check on Justine. Forrest was over every night as promised. I did convince him to take Tuesday evening off to go to the playoff watch party with me. Amber, Will, their kids, Staci, her daughter Cherish, Gigi, Megan, EJ, and Jayden already planned to go to the watch party too. Ethan was supposed to come, but something came up at his job that required him to cancel.

A small part of me was relieved he wasn't coming. We hadn't talked since the night at the bar. I had no idea where that conversation was heading and the uncertainty terrified me. I was good with the way things were between us. Maybe I was misreading the signs, but I didn't want to misinterpret anything else between us. At Rocky's urging, I gave his ticket to Forrest.

After work on Tuesday, I changed into dark skinny jeans and a blue top for the game. I got an Uber from my job to the arena instead of driving and having to parking there. Forrest drove and he was going to take me to my car after the game. On the way to the watch party, I put my hair in a neat top knot and freshened my makeup. I already had texts from Monica and Amber by the time I arrived. The game already started and was being broadcast on the huge televisions above center court. I called Monica as I found my seat.

She invited me to the press box and I told her I would stop by sometime during the game. I found my section and Amber spotted me first, waving a foam hand at me. I made my way and took the empty seat between her and Forrest. I greeted everyone before settling in to watch the game.

Oklahoma pulled ahead early, but between the Mavs dancers, ManiAACs (male hip hop troupe), giveaways, and DJ, we still had so much fun. The kids had me laughing as I Snapchatted them dancing and cheering the Mavericks on. Our efforts came up short; by halftime Oklahoma just extended the lead and I knew Oklahoma was going to win and end the series.

Will and Megan agreed as they both decided to take their kids home. Cherish, Staci's daughter, was ready to go too so they left as well. Forrest wanted to leave, but I made him stay, reminding him he was my ride and I wasn't ready to go until the end of the game. After I called Monica; Amber, Gigi, Forrest and I made our way to the press box.

The mood in the press box was a lot more somber than the arena seats. There was plenty of food and booze to drown sorrows in, but majority of the group was still watching the game, hoping somehow the Mavericks would pull it out. Uriel was one of the hopeful; he had has arms crossed, watching every second of the game. He spared me a passing glance before turning his attention back to the game. After I introduced my friends to Monica, Trent and a few others I knew from volunteering and hanging with them, we sat down and chatted.

"It looks like you were having more fun down there." Monica stated, after we posted a video to my SnapStory.

"I was. The ManiAACs were lit. There was one guy, with a beard and a bandana-" I started.

"Big Rob." Monica supplied.

"He killed it!" Gigi agreed.

"Yeah, he's hilarious."  Trent added.

"Do you know him? Can you introduce us?" I asked, playfully as Monica laughed at me.

"I don't know. Let me see how Uriel feels about that." Trent smirked at me.

"Feels about what?" Uriel asked as he joined us at the end of the 3rd quarter.

"Lily wants to meet Big Rob." Monica informed him.

"Oh? What for?" Uriel asked, eyeing me.

"He's lit. Seems like he would be a good person to turn up with." I answered.

"Sure. I don't know how Mrs. Big Rob would feel about that, but shoot your shot." Uriel grinned at me.

"Maybe he can give you a ride to your car." Forrest muttered and Gigi laughed.

"Shut up Forrest. The game is almost over." I smiled at him.

"It's been over." Uriel shook his head, sadly.

I looked at Uriel, shocked.

"What?" He asked me.

"Nothing... I'm just surprised you admitted it considering how pissed you got at me for saying they were going to lose." I commented and everyone laughed.

"I wasn't pissed... And you said they were going to get swept. Not lose. We weren't swept." He corrected me with a grin.

"Barley."

When the 4th quarter started, Uriel returned back with his colleagues to watch the ending. As soon as he left, Amber asked me who he was and I just waved her off. I wasn't going to explain our relationship in front of everyone.

When the game finally ended with the Mavericks losing, the guys in the box were making plans to go to a strip club to mourn the end of the season. I was surprised when the women planned to go too. I tried to get Forrest to stay out later with the allure of strippers, but he declined. Gigi had work in the morning, so instead of catching the dart rail with Amber, Forrest gave her a ride. Amber was used to staying up all night for her job and was wide awake so we got a ride with Monica to the club.

I imagined the strip club would be a dark, grimy, hole in the wall seedy place. I was pleasantly surprised to see it looked like any upscale sports bar. The only difference was a main stage with 2 poles and topless women working them over. We were escorted to a table across from the main stage. A waitress came over to take our order and after a quick glance at their extensive wine and signature cocktail menu, I stuck with Merlot since I had to drive home and work the next day.

While I wasn't attracted to the strippers, I definitely was drawn to the feminine vibe and empowerment they exuded. I always had the idea of women being objectified by dirty old men, but the strippers had all the control at the club. They commanded the room as they pranced around, partially nude, soliciting dances for guests of all ages and genders. It was fun watching them, imagining what it would feel like.

Amber looked uncomfortable, constantly checking her phone and looking around nervously. I asked her if she was ok, but she put her phone away and nodded. I got her to come with me to tip the dancers on the stage. While we were watching, she got a call and left me to answer it.

I was watching a blonde gracefully spin around a pole when someone stood next to me. I tore my eyes from the stage and saw Uriel.

"You enjoying the show?" He asked in my ear.

"She's alright. Not really my type." I smiled up at him.

"What's your type?" Uriel asked me.

"Umm... Her." I discreetly pointed to a girl across the room. She had long raven hair, a deep bronze tan, smaller, firm breasts and a plump round ass on her petite, tone frame. I would kill for her abs and was debating taking up strip aerobics classes as I watched her dance for a guy.

Uriel watched her as well. "She's alright." He mimicked me.

"Alright? She's gorgeous." I said.

"She's tiny."

"Yes, and?"

"I'm not attracted to small women. I don't like feeling like I could break them."

I smirked and tilted my head. "And you don't have to worry about that with me?"

He looked me over, appreciatively. "No. You can handle whatever I give you."

My body clenched in arousal. Before I could think of a response, Amber came back and we headed to the table. Uriel ordered us another round of drinks and we toasted to the end of the season and getting ready for next year. We drank and chatted with everyone, in between watching the show and getting dances. The dancer I pointed out earlier came over and introduced herself as Desiree to Uriel.

"She would like a dance." Uriel nodded over to me, handing her a twenty.

"Of course handsome." She put the bill in her g-string before dancing in front of me. I watched her as she worked her body seductively to the music. Her confidence and playfulness made for a very sexy dance. After 2 minutes, she turned back to Uriel.

"How about a private dance for you and your girlfriend?" She asked with a flirty smile.

I blushed, about to decline and correct her that I wasn't his girlfriend when Uriel smiled at me. "What do you think?" He asked, challengingly. I had no idea what went on in private rooms, but I couldn't turn down a challenge. I nodded and stood up. His smile widen as he stood up too.

"Lily-" Amber looked at me, eyes wide.

"I'll be right back." I told her as I took Uriel's hand and followed Desiree. We went into a private room that had a couch and a pole.

"How long have you two been together?" She asked us, closing the curtain.

"We're not." I said, sitting on the couch, crossing my legs, anxiously. Uriel sat next to me.

"Why not? I feel chemistry between you two." She smiled, flipping her hair.

"She doesn't want a relationship." Uriel replied, leaning back with his arms draped on the couch.

"Neither does he." I looked over at him.

She laughed at us. "Ok. Any ground rules before we get started?"

"Ladies' choice." He replied with an easy smile at me.

I looked over at her. "Um...No?"

"First time?" She asked.

"Yes."

"I can give you a lap dance instead of the air dance you got out there. I normally don't allow touching, but I'll let you slide." She winked at me. "How bout I dance for you first, then your friend?" She smiled at Uriel.

"Sounds good."

She went and pressed a button and Body Party by Ciara started to play. She did a few spins on the pole before dancing over to me. She pushed my leg aside to uncross and spread them. With a smile and still holding my thighs, she danced between my legs, swiveling her hips to the music. She dropped down low, all the way to the ground before dancing back up, pulling off her top. When she rubbed her bare breasts against me, I felt Uriel's arm over my shoulder. I looked at him and his eyes were glued to the both of us, a pleased smile on his face.

"His turn." I told her.

She quickly complied, dancing over to him and twerking her ass on his lap. I watched him, watching her as his hand crept to the side of my breast. I wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch her, so I grabbed his hand and moved it over my breast. He groaned in pleasure, fondling me as the stripper danced on him. She then straddled him, grinding into his lap. She grinned at me, placing my hands on her breasts. I studied him, loving the pleasure etched on his face as he watched me caress her. I leaned in closer to nibble on his ear.

"Stop." He moaned throwing his head back, his eyes closed shut as he took deep, calming breaths. The girl quickly hopped off his lap and I saw his erection making a budge in his pants. Desiree and I smiled at each other before I motioned her to me. I had no idea what the private room cost, but I wanted to tip her for a great first time private room experience.

I handed her a couple of $20 and thanked her. I was asking about what product she used on her skin, when Uriel recovered, smiling as he shook his head at me.

She laughed but told me the name of some body butter and body spray. Uriel handed her a stack of 20s. When she escorted us out the room, Uriel was still chuckling at me.

"What? She smelt amazing. And her skin was super soft." I said as we made our way back to the table. "You didn't get to touch, but I did." I bragged.

He stopped me before we got back, holding me against his body. "I'd rather touch you. Can I take you home?"

"Amber. I can't just leave her. We came with Monica and she was giving us a ride to my car." I breathed.

"I'll get her an Uber." He said against my ear.

If Amber felt comfortable, that's exactly what I was doing. As we rejoined the table, Amber and some dude sitting next to her in dark glasses and a fitted cap watched us. Amber looked nervous again, and when I got close enough to make out the dude's face, I knew why.

"Christian? What are you doing here?" I asked him, exasperated already. He had the nerve to look pissed off like I was the one intruding on his life.

"Trying to talk to you but I see you're busy." He spat as he stood.

"I'm not busy, I'm over it. I told you that."

"You also told me you weren't ready for a relationship yet, not that you wanted to fuck around like a slut." He glared at Uriel. "You can have her."

I was heated with embarrassment and frustration as I watched him storm off.

"You should go handle that." Uriel told me coldly, pulling away from me.

I turned to him and met his eye. "I already handled it."

"Doesn't look like that way." When he took a seat at the table with everyone else instead of taking me home, I gave him a dirty look before I stalked away. Amber eventually caught up to me as I ordered an Uber on my phone.

"Lily, he wanted to talk to you and clear the air. That's why he came out here." Amber started.

"I don't want to talk to him. I made that clear to you and to him!" I said, not looking up from the Uber App as I requested a driver.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told him where you were-"

"You think?" I glared at her.

"- but he reached out to me, really hurt and confused. He was giving you time to calm down. He thought it was an argument, not a break up-"

"We weren't together!!! How could we break up?" I yelled at her.

Amber shrunk onto herself, intimated, and I instantly felt like shit. "Sorry. I'm not mad at you. Just the situation."

Amber nodded before speaking again. "Whatever you two were doing, it ended so suddenly that he didn't understand. Talk to him so he can move on and leave you alone." Amber urged me.

The Uber showed up and I told the driver the location was different. Amber looked at me sadly when I edited it to her house. When the car pulled off with Amber, I went through my call log until I found Christian's number.

"What?" He answered bitterly.

"Can we talk?" I said, using all my patience to not get annoyed with his attitude.

"About what? How you'd rather be fucked in a sleazy strip club than be my girlfriend? I get it now Lily; do you. I don't care."

I reminded myself that I controlled my reactions, not Christian. After I calmed, I questioned him. "If you don't care, then why are you talking to Amber? Why did you come out here? Why did you answer my call?"

When he didn't say anything, I tried to understand where he was coming from so he would be receptive to what I had to say. "Maybe I handled things badly because I was upset. Before anything happened, I was planning to talk to you about us. If you want to, we can talk. If you want to leave it the way it is, that's fine. Either way, I'm sorry if I hurt you."

"Fine." He said after a beat. "We can talk. Where are you?"

"Outside the sleazy strip club."

"Wait there."

I did until a black Maybach pulled up. The door opened and Christian held it open for me. I got in, closing the door behind me before looking at him.

He started to give the driver my address, but I stopped him and gave him my work address instead.

"So now you don't want me at your house?" Christian sneered at me.

I looked at him, wearily. "No. I need to pick up my car. I got an Uber from my job."

He got quiet again so I started. "It's hard to have a conversation with you being so hostile."

"It's hard for me not be hostile when you told me you didn't want a relationship because you weren't over Trevor. Not because you wanted to fuck other guys." He said.

I ignored his fucking other guys comment and focused on the real issue. "I'm not over Trevor. That's still true, but there were other reasons I didn't want to be in a relationship with you that had nothing to do with other guys."

He glared at me, pissed. "So what, I was just one of your rebounds?"

"You weren't a rebound. Rebounds are just sex. I was having casual sex with someone else, but I was trying to get to know you to see if I wanted to be with you." I admitted.

Christian scoffed. "Were you having casual sex with Richard?"

I sighed. "No. I never slept with Richard and I never well. The reason I didn't want to talk to you after Rocky's party was because I was trying to figure out how to tell you I didn't want a relationship at all. I was going to thank you for being there for me and let you know if we were ever in the same place in the future that maybe we could try dating again. Then you accused me of sleeping with Richard and posted that picture-"

"And you took the easy way out and flipped it on me." He looked at me, hatefully.

"No. It wasn't easy. It was fucked up. You knew posting that picture would upset me- just like you knew calling me a slut tonight would too. Maybe I hurt you, but I never meant to. You intentionally hurt me. I don't want to date someone who would do that to me. I can't even be friends with someone who can't take responsibility for their actions." I finished.

He didn't say anything, just looked away and stared out the window. We sat in silence until the car stopped at my job. I grabbed my bag, pausing to give him an opportunity to say anything else. He didn't, so I got out the car. Hopefully he got whatever he needed to move on.

The next morning, I called Amber to let her know I talked to Christian. She apologized and I told her we were good.

"Are we good Lily? Because I didn't even know about Uriel until Staci told me. The same goes for Christian when you first started dating him. You didn't even tell me you're not speaking to Sammy.  If I did something or something is wrong between us, let me know so I can fix it."

"Amber, we are fine. The only reason Staci knew about Uriel is because she saw me with him just like you did. I didn't tell you about the Sammy thing because I didn't want you in the middle of another fight between us. I'm just trying to figure things out on my own and stop being so damn needy all the time." I assured her.

"It's not needy. It's called support. I love you. I'm here whenever you need me."

"I know. I love you too Amber."

I texted Uriel that night that everything was handled, with a smiley face emoji. He responded congratulations. When I asked about seeing him, he said he was busy but would be in touch. I didn't hear from him the rest of the week.

I had my doctor's appointment with Dr. Pereira on Friday. It turned into a full on bitch fit from me. I complained about Christian's visit, Uriel blowing me off and Amber being insecure about our friendship. I was 30 minutes into my rant when Dr. Pereira stopped me.

"Remember the conversation we had about perception?"

"That it can alert reality. I don't think that's it. I tell myself affirmations all the time and try to stay positive. Even then, people are fucked up. Christian feels like he's vindicated because I slept with someone else. We weren't even together but he's playing the victim to make me the bad guy. Amber is all upset because I don't tell her everything about my life. Seriously, I used to run to my friends with a hang nail and I'm trying not to be that weak insecure person anymore. And Uriel... It was just sex so it's not a big deal but I don't get why he's so butt hurt and wants to end things."

"You've already decided you no longer wish to see Christian, why does it matter if he feels vindicated? You know your truth; he will deal with his own truth. You had years of a co-dependent relationship with Amber, you cannot expect it to change overnight- just keep setting your boundaries. You left Uriel to figure out what happen with Christian. Maybe he needs time to reflect on you two's relationship or maybe he really is busy. You won't know unless you talk to him."

"I know. I know. I'm just saying I'm tried of trying with people. It's exhausting. Why is it always this hard?"

Dr. Pereira looked at me. "You're constantly battling with feelings of abandonment." She answered, bluntly.

I frowned up at her. "Abandonment? We already dealt with that. It's just like you said; my mom leaving had nothing to do with me. I had no control over her."

"I've said it, but do you believe it? If you still are feeling deserted or left out or unworthy, it can cultivate abandonment issues. That would explain you jumping to the worst conclusions, your struggle with codependency, and the string of brief relationships you find yourself in."

Tears of frustration welled up in my eyes. "So how do I deal with that? I've been working on knowing my worth; loving myself and my traits, my appearance, my life, changing my perception, all this bullshit. What else am I supposed to do now?" I blurted.

"I know it's difficult, but life demands us to move on and deal with our issues the best we can. You have to believe that you never drove anyone away: They either had no choice or were too weak to stay, but that has nothing to do with you. If you want to maintain long lasting relationships with anyone, this is something you're going to have to acknowledge and accept. If you don't, you will have a tough time finding others who will stick around as you push them away." Dr. Pereira counseled me.

I nodded and opted to end our appointment early. For the first time ever, I called in sick from work and spent Friday in bed with Justine, Dr. Pereira's words repeating in my head.