I Hate U, I Love U

"When love and trust are gone

I guess this is moving on

Everyone I do right does me wrong

So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her" I Hate U, I Love U by Gnash Featuring Olivia O'Brien

After Ethan left, I told myself it wasn't over. He was just upset. If the roles were reversed, I would be upset. If he was crying over an ex girlfriend I would be convinced he wasn't over her and break up with him too. I knew he didn't hear me when I told him I loved him. I would fix everything by telling him how I loved him and wanted to be with him. I grabbed my phone, hope blooming inside of me when I saw text messages from Ethan.

I quickly went to them, thinking he wanted to talk and hoping he changed his mind. The first one was from a couple of hours ago, telling me EJ was staying at Jayden's house and asking if I wanted to go dancing. The second one was less than an hour ago, stating he was on his way to see me. I was torn by how much I wanted to talk to him and not knowing what to say. I decided not to say anything at all: to get changed into something sexy, follow him and show him how much I loved him

I stripped out of my scrubs to take a shower. As I stood under the hot spray, my plan felt completely wrong. I didn't want to make love to him knowing he thought I had feelings for someone else. I didn't want to use sex as a bargaining tool for him to stay with me. I wanted, no needed to fix things between us; but the more I thought about what just happened, the less I was sure I could fix us. Ethan's demeanor when he broke up with me was strange. He didn't look visibly upset. He didn't even react to the fact that I originally lied to him about why I was crying. In fact, he was detached, borderline cold- almost calculating.

I knew Ethan well enough to know he didn't act off emotions. He was thoughtful and logical and he knew all week Trevor had feelings for me. I knew he spent the last week weighing his options, listing pros and cons before he made any decision. He planned on breaking up with me. He came to the conclusion I wasn't ready and broke up with me. He broke up with me even though he loved me.

I believed him when he said he loved me. It was the first time he said it, but I definitely felt it. I knew now me loving him wouldn't be enough to show him I was ready. I got out of the shower, utterly defeated. After I got dressed in yoga pants and a tank top, I went to bed, passing out before more tears could fall.

When I woke up the next afternoon, I couldn't believe how much I slept. I let Justine outside and gave her food before searching for food for myself. Since I'd been hanging at Ethan's house, I hadn't been doing my normal grocery shopping and my food supply had took a hit. While I poured a bowl of cereal, I made a mental list of things I needed. I ate three bowls of cereal before I put the box away.

I knew I was emotional eating, but I didn't know what else to do. I stared at my phone, wishing I had someone to talk to. Rocky was out- I wasn't in the mood to hear I told you so. While Sammy kept her opinions to herself now, I knew she wanted me to get back together with Trevor. I didn't want any type of relationship advice from Amber. Forrest was an option, but I was sure he would tell Rocky. Staci was dating Daniel, who worked with Ethan. I could speak to my brother, but I didn't want my family knowing any problems in my relationship.

There were really no great options but my therapist. I had her emergency number, but I wasn't in dire harm, so I decided to wait until Monday to schedule an appointment. I put my phone down and went back to bed.

I spent the rest of my day sleeping, eating and being lazy with Justine. While I slept, I couldn't think about Trevor or how badly I screwed thinks up with Ethan. The only worries I had with food was what place I wanted to order from. Focusing on Justine and her simple needs and wants made me yearn for a life similarly uncomplicated. Sunday afternoon, I woke up from my beer and pizza inflicted stupor to my phone ringing. It was Rocky.

"Where are you? You're late for your appointment!" She exclaimed.

It wasn't until I heard Devin in the background saying he could reschedule me before I remembered our plans to get our hair and nails done before the Vegas trip.

"Fuck. I overslept. Tell Devin I'm on my way." I shot out of bed.

After she told Devin, she laughed and told me. "He said take your time and bring a big tip."

"Whatever." I mumbled as I stumbled around my room. If it wasn't for my dad's wedding around the corner, I would have skipped the appointment. I wanted my hair straightened and trimmed before I went to California next weekend. Even though I was meeting Beatrice for the fitting before we went to Vegas, I knew the chances of me seeing Dad were high and I didn't want him giving me not so subtle suggestions about my hair.

I threw on striped track pants and a white tank before rushing out. I arrived at the salon, in a foul mood that was made worst when I saw Devin was still working on Rocky's hair.

"Give me 15 minutes." He called out to me.

"Sure." I muttered, sitting across from Rocky.

"You ok girl?" Rocky asked, studying me.

"Yeah. Late night. Just tired." I responded.

"You better stock up on 5 hour energy, because I have no plans for sleeping next weekend." Rocky said, excitedly while telling me about all the places she wanted to go in Vegas that we didn't do the last time. Everything sounded fun, but I just couldn't get excited about anything. Not when my feelings were all over the place about Trevor and Ethan.

"No sleep means some quality peen time right?" Angela asked Rocky with a smile.

"No. I tried the casual sex thing. Not going to happen." Rocky said, emphatically.

"Why?" Angela chuckled.

"Forrest and I were going to hook up but he thought we were getting back together." Rocky explained.

"What happened?" I asked, concerned about Forrest.

"After the mud run, he invited me up to his room. I didn't think it was serious until he started talking about us getting back together. He got mad at me when I told him I still didn't want to be in a relationship." Rocky elaborated.

"You did leave the door open for getting back together in the future." I replied.

"Yeah, in the future. When Brandon and I have the co-parenting thing down and he's not still hinting at us being a family." She air quoted. "We never talked about getting back together. We were cool the whole time, hanging out, flirting- nothing serious at all.  I have no idea why he had to ruin it." Rocky explained.

"Oh no. Someone wants to be in a relationship with you." I sneered.

"What?" Rocky asked, raising her eyebrows at me.

"Nothing." I said, shaking my head and avoiding her eye.

"Ok. Under the dryer for 20 minutes." Devin told Rocky as Angela took her over.

Devin set me down in the chair and began the same treatment. While Rocky's hair was cut, dyed, blow dried and flat ironed, Devin just straightened and trimmed my hair. I didn't have a preference for styles so he just left it straight and layered a little past my shoulders.

Rocky had the true transformation: after being in braids for almost a year, her hair grew out to the middle of her back. She dyed it a flattering cinnamon brown hue and it was styled with a sleek side part bang framing her face. She looked amazing and her beaming smile only added to her beauty.

"You are gonna get all the fun you can handle in Vegas this weekend." Angela complemented her as she removed her apron. "Casual sex with a random peen is much better than sex with an ex."

"You would know huh?" Devin taunted her and Angela swatted at him. "Shut up."

Rocky laughed. "What do you think Lily? You down to be my wing woman?"

"Why not? I have nothing better to do." I shurgged.

Devin laughed. "You don't sound too excited."

"Whoooohoo." I cheered, sarcastically before we left.

We headed to the nail bar next and as soon as we were seated, Rocky asked me how I was holding up with Trevor.

"I'm fine." I waved her off, looking over nail polish options.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you by not intervening. I just... You and Trevor being friends is not an option for him. Maybe down the road-" she started and I put my hand up to stop her.

"I get it." I started, not wanting to think about him. "Can we please just get our nails done? We can talk about getting you random peen, anything but him?" I begged.

"We can talk about what you want to do in Vegas, not random peen." Rocky smiled as we changed the subject. Jenna was coordinating a special dinner for Friday before the concert for Beatrice and her bridal party. Other than that, Mariah and Bianca's birthday party, I was open. The only thing I had planned was food I wanted to eat. After we got our hands and feet done, I managed to keep myself together long enough to go shopping and grab lunch with Rocky.

After we split up, I went to the grocery store and planned meals for the week. I went home and put the food away trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't get caught up in my thoughts. I couldn't help but think of how I spent my Sundays with Trevor. Mostly relaxing, lazy morning sex and sleeping in; catching up on TV shows while doing laundry. I ended up being productive and doing meal prep like Ethan did on Sundays. Then I started wondering if Ethan was doing the same thing and if he was thinking about me. I put on music to drown out my own thoughts as I finished my cooking for the week. I was eating spaghetti with Bolognese sauce when Ethan texted me.

Ethan: I found an arcade that has Mortal Kombat. You available some time next week?

At brunch, I taunted Ethan about a Mortal Kombat rematch because we never determined who was better after last year's mud run. EJ wanted to go, but since we couldn't take EJ to the bar, I told him I had to look into what arcade had the classic game. I completely forgot about it until now. I needed time to figure out what to say to Ethan to make everything ok. I typed, and retyped a response.

Me: I'm not feeling up to it. Maybe another time.

Ethan: Sure. Let me know when.

I stared at my phone, disappointed. So that was it? I knew I fucked up and it was my responsibility to fix it but he told me he loved me. If he loved me, why wasn't he hurting like I was? How could he be taking it so easily? I devoured my food, cleaned the kitchen before I went to bed.

Monday I woke up early, making an ultimate breakfast sandwich that Trevor and I perfected while already missing my daily morning text from Ethan. As soon as Dr. Pereira's office opened, I called to schedule an appointment with her. The soonest she could see me would be that afternoon, but I needed to give my job more notice than that. I scheduled it for Tuesday afternoon instead. If Dr. Clayton could switch with me, all I had to do was leave early. If he couldn't, I trusted Dr. Chapman to close for me.

Thankfully, when I called Dr. Clayton he was more than willing to switch with me. I was surprised by how upbeat he sounded. He hadn't sounded like his normal self in a long time. I was thrilled whatever that was going on between him and Dr. Fahri passed. On Monday, I worked hard to keep myself occupied. The moment I had a break or forgot to stay busy, my mind strayed to Ethan and how I messed everything up. Or to Trevor and the crippling emptiness his absence caused me. Every time I had a stray thought, I banished it from my head and told myself I would sort it out with Dr. Periera.

Tuesday afternoon, I was halfway through my day when Adil showed up. He normally announced when he was coming, so I was a little thrown off when he arrived a little before Dr. Clayton. Dr. Clayton greeted me friendlily, before he went and talk to Dr. Fahri for an hour.

"I wonder what is going on there." I said to Q after Dr. Clayton came out of the team lead office and Q and I headed to the cafe for lunch.

"Beats me. Dr. Fahri has been stopping by in the morning, but they never stayed in the office that long." Q supplied. "Hey Lily?"

"Yes?" I asked him. Whatever he was going to say, he thought better of it.

"Never mind. I'm gonna hit the track. I'll see you later." He said, walking away from me.

I didn't think much about it as I watched him leave. I got a huge cobb salad from the sandwich shop and ate my lunch in relative peace. I checked my messages from the past few days. Staci text me over the weekend about dragging Ethan and Daniel to the Jazz club, but I told her I would have to get back to her. Rocky texted to see if Ethan was dropping me off at the airport, and I told her I was just going to take an Uber. Sammy wanted to talk about Amber, but I told her I pretty much was staying out of her drama: I had enough of my own. I didn't tell anyone about Ethan breaking up with me. There was no point in announcing we weren't together anymore when I planned to change that as soon as possible. After my appointment, I would have a game plan to win Ethan back.

When I came back from lunch, Dr. Fahri pulled me aside before he left.

"You're not going to be here Friday, correct?"

"Right. My time off was approved. Dr. Clayton and I decided to have Chapman close. He's more than capable and Fridays are low volume." I relayed.

"Good. I set a meeting on Monday. It's on the calendar." He told me, sternly.

"I'll be back Monday. Is something going on?" I asked.

"We'll talk Monday. Have a good week." He said, tersely before he left. I groaned, inwardly, wondering what this could possibly be about. He and Clayton were on good terms-rumors about him quitting died down. I knew I had a bit of time off coming up, but it was my time and all approved. Not to mention it was just the summer league playing right now- we weren't anymore busy than usual. I sighed, pushing his dramatics out my head and told myself to focus on things I could control- that was my appointment with Dr. Pereira.

I left and with traffic, barely made it on time. Dr. Pereira was waiting for me and before I even sat down, I started venting. I told her about Trevor admitting he had feelings for me. I told her how I gave him an ultimatum of friendship or nothing, and he chose nothing- cutting me off. I revealed how much that devastated me and how inconsolable I was. I ended by telling her my reaction convinced Ethan I still had feelings for Trevor and he broke up with me.

"I get why he broke up with me. I just have to show him that I'm ready to be in a committed relationship. That's going to take more than words. He's going to want to see proof. I need help on how to show him that." I finished, desperate for her advice.

"Let's take a few steps back. When you decided to be friends with Trevor, you had no idea he still had feelings for you?" Dr. Pereira asked.

I fidgeted, thinking about his actions at Rocky's baby shower and at the hospital after Ace was born. Even when we went out to have nachos and decided to be friends, I ignored his eagerness to be around me and the way he looked at me. "He never told me he had feelings for me..."

"Lily-" she said, in a questioning manner.

"Ok. Yes. Maybe I knew there were still some feelings there, but I didn't think he was in love with me. Like, I had feelings too but I didn't want to be with Trevor."

"When did they go away?"

"What?"

"Those feelings that you had for Trevor- When did they go away?"

I thought about it. I was so busy denying any feelings for Trevor, I wasn't even truthful with myself. My reaction to not having Trevor in my life and him constantly being on my mind screamed a truth that I didn't want to believe.

"I don't know." I stated, weakly.

"Lily-"

"I know- I should know myself and I do want to talk about it. I just don't know if I still have feelings for him. I hate the way Trevor treated me. I hate how he handled getting sick. I hate how he doesn't respect my choices and my boundaries. I hate how he thinks he has the right to walk in and out of my life whenever he sees fit! I hate the person I was with him. Our relationship, hell our friendship was toxic- but that doesn't change how I feel about him. It doesn't just erase all the love I had for him." I cried.

She handed me tissues and I dabbed angrily at my eyes.

"You can love him but at the same time know you two are no good for each other. You said it yourself Lily: Your relationship with Trevor was toxic. Why, after knowing this, were you determined to maintain a friendship with him?"

"It hurt too much to let him go. It still hurts and that's the part I don't understand. I had Ethan. I love Ethan. Those feelings are real but I fucked things up with him because of Trevor. I hate that I cried over Trevor with Ethan."

"You can't apologize for your feelings. You can apologize for acting a certain way, but not for your feelings. Your pain over Trevor blocking you out unfortunately caused turmoil for Ethan, but the only thing you can do is address those feelings and be honest about them."

I shook my head. "It's too late. I wasn't honest with Ethan and he made up his mind. He said that he loved me but he broke up with me. If he really loves me, why was it so easy for him to leave me?" I sobbed.

"He has needs and wants and boundaries like you. It's not a question of whether it was easy or hard, but what he was willing to settle for." She told me, gently.

"He wasn't willing to settle with someone who is still hung up on her ex." I sniffled, wiping my face after I thought about what she said. "How do I get over Trevor? How do I get rid of these feelings?"

"When you love someone, they become a part of who you are. It's completely normal to have residual feelings, but you're holding on to Trevor. You need to figure out what you are holding on to. You have to acknowledge it, so you can let it go." Dr. Pereira told me.

After my appointment, I felt more confused than ever. I already grieved the lost of my relationship with Trevor: the expectations, the hopes I had for the future with him. I didn't want to be with him, but I had no idea why I was still holding on to Trevor. One thing was clear, Ethan was right: I wasn't ready. Until I figured out why I was holding on to Trevor and let him go, I couldn't be with anyone. I gave up all hope for a relationship with Ethan. Ethan deserved better than me. I couldn't be who he wanted or needed while I was still holding on to Trevor. I had to let go of Ethan.

I called Sammy to see if she would watch Justine while I was out of town. Originally, I asked Ethan to watch her but I wasn't ready to face him. I promised I would deal with everything when I got back from Vegas. I planned to eat, drink and relax until I had to come back to the real world. Thankfully, Sammy didn't question anything and offered to house and dog sit while I was gone. I quickly took her up on her offer and cleaned up, making sure I had the guest room ready for her. Thursday, I was finishing packing when I got a text from Ethan.

Ethan: What time do you want me to pick up Justine?

I sighed, knowing I couldn't avoid talking to Ethan before I left. He deserved the truth and not me avoiding him because it was hard to face it. I called him back instead of texting.

"Hey."

"Hey." I breathed. "Um, Sammy's going to house sit and watch Justine for me so you don't have to."

"Ok." He replied.

"I appreciate the offer and you staying true to your word about being friends. I just need a little time before I accept it."

"I understand." He replied.

I could have left it at that, but I needed to tell the whole truth. "I'm sorry. You were right about me... And Trevor. About everything. I'm not ready. I really wanted to be ready, but I'm not. I'm so sorry."

"It's ok." He cleared his throat. "I need to get going. Have a save trip."

"Bye Ethan." I said to a empty line.  I laid back in bed, allowing myself one more cry to grieve the lost of Ethan. Afterward, I had to pick myself up and figure my shit out.