I Hate U, I Love U

"When love and trust are gone

I guess this is moving on

Everyone I do right does me wrong

So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

I hate you, I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her" I Hate U, I Love U by Gnash Featuring Olivia O'Brien

After Ethan left, I told myself it wasn't over. He was just upset. If the roles were reversed, I would be upset. If he was crying over an ex girlfriend I would be convinced he wasn't over her and break up with him too. I knew he didn't hear me when I told him I loved him. I would fix everything by telling him how I loved him and wanted to be with him. I grabbed my phone, hope blooming inside of me when I saw text messages from Ethan.

I quickly went to them, thinking he wanted to talk and hoping he changed his mind. The first one was from a couple of hours ago, telling me EJ was staying at Jayden's house and asking if I wanted to go dancing. The second one was less than an hour ago, stating he was on his way to see me. I was torn by how much I wanted to talk to him and not knowing what to say. I decided not to say anything at all: to get changed into something sexy, follow him and show him how much I loved him

I stripped out of my scrubs to take a shower. As I stood under the hot spray, my plan felt completely wrong. I didn't want to make love to him knowing he thought I had feelings for someone else. I didn't want to use sex as a bargaining tool for him to stay with me. I wanted, no needed to fix things between us; but the more I thought about what just happened, the less I was sure I could fix us. Ethan's demeanor when he broke up with me was strange. He didn't look visibly upset. He didn't even react to the fact that I originally lied to him about why I was crying. In fact, he was detached, borderline cold- almost calculating.

I knew Ethan well enough to know he didn't act off emotions. He was thoughtful and logical and he knew all week Trevor had feelings for me. I knew he spent the last week weighing his options, listing pros and cons before he made any decision. He planned on breaking up with me. He came to the conclusion I wasn't ready and broke up with me. He broke up with me even though he loved me.

I believed him when he said he loved me. It was the first time he said it, but I definitely felt it. I knew now me loving him wouldn't be enough to show him I was ready. I got out of the shower, utterly defeated. After I got dressed in yoga pants and a tank top, I went to bed, passing out before more tears could fall.

When I woke up the next afternoon, I couldn't believe how much I slept. I let Justine outside and gave her food before searching for food for myself. Since I'd been hanging at Ethan's house, I hadn't been doing my normal grocery shopping and my food supply had took a hit. While I poured a bowl of cereal, I made a mental list of things I needed. I ate three bowls of cereal before I put the box away.

I knew I was emotional eating, but I didn't know what else to do. I stared at my phone, wishing I had someone to talk to. Rocky was out- I wasn't in the mood to hear I told you so. While Sammy kept her opinions to herself now, I knew she wanted me to get back together with Trevor. I didn't want any type of relationship advice from Amber. Forrest was an option, but I was sure he would tell Rocky. Staci was dating Daniel, who worked with Ethan. I could speak to my brother, but I didn't want my family knowing any problems in my relationship.

There were really no great options but my therapist. I had her emergency number, but I wasn't in dire harm, so I decided to wait until Monday to schedule an appointment. I put my phone down and went back to bed.

I spent the rest of my day sleeping, eating and being lazy with Justine. While I slept, I couldn't think about Trevor or how badly I screwed thinks up with Ethan. The only worries I had with food was what place I wanted to order from. Focusing on Justine and her simple needs and wants made me yearn for a life similarly uncomplicated. Sunday afternoon, I woke up from my beer and pizza inflicted stupor to my phone ringing. It was Rocky.

"Where are you? You're late for your appointment!" She exclaimed.

It wasn't until I heard Devin in the background saying he could reschedule me before I remembered our plans to get our hair and nails done before the Vegas trip.

"Fuck. I overslept. Tell Devin I'm on my way." I shot out of bed.

After she told Devin, she laughed and told me. "He said take your time and bring a big tip."

"Whatever." I mumbled as I stumbled around my room. If it wasn't for my dad's wedding around the corner, I would have skipped the appointment. I wanted my hair straightened and trimmed before I went to California next weekend. Even though I was meeting Beatrice for the fitting before we went to Vegas, I knew the chances of me seeing Dad were high and I didn't want him giving me not so subtle suggestions about my hair.

I threw on striped track pants and a white tank before rushing out. I arrived at the salon, in a foul mood that was made worst when I saw Devin was still working on Rocky's hair.

"Give me 15 minutes." He called out to me.

"Sure." I muttered, sitting across from Rocky.

"You ok girl?" Rocky asked, studying me.

"Yeah. Late night. Just tired." I responded.

"You better stock up on 5 hour energy, because I have no plans for sleeping next weekend." Rocky said, excitedly while telling me about all the places she wanted to go in Vegas that we didn't do the last time. Everything sounded fun, but I just couldn't get excited about anything. Not when my feelings were all over the place about Trevor and Ethan.

"No sleep means some quality peen time right?" Angela asked Rocky with a smile.

"No. I tried the casual sex thing. Not going to happen." Rocky said, emphatically.

"Why?" Angela chuckled.

"Forrest and I were going to hook up but he thought we were getting back together." Rocky explained.

"What happened?" I asked, concerned about Forrest.

"After the mud run, he invited me up to his room. I didn't think it was serious until he started talking about us getting back together. He got mad at me when I told him I still didn't want to be in a relationship." Rocky elaborated.

"You did leave the door open for getting back together in the future." I replied.

"Yeah, in the future. When Brandon and I have the co-parenting thing down and he's not still hinting at us being a family." She air quoted. "We never talked about getting back together. We were cool the whole time, hanging out, flirting- nothing serious at all.  I have no idea why he had to ruin it." Rocky explained.

"Oh no. Someone wants to be in a relationship with you." I sneered.

"What?" Rocky asked, raising her eyebrows at me.

"Nothing." I said, shaking my head and avoiding her eye.

"Ok. Under the dryer for 20 minutes." Devin told Rocky as Angela took her over.

Devin set me down in the chair and began the same treatment. While Rocky's hair was cut, dyed, blow dried and flat ironed, Devin just straightened and trimmed my hair. I didn't have a preference for styles so he just left it straight and layered a little past my shoulders.

Rocky had the true transformation: after being in braids for almost a year, her hair grew out to the middle of her back. She dyed it a flattering cinnamon brown hue and it was styled with a sleek side part bang framing her face. She looked amazing and her beaming smile only added to her beauty.

"You are gonna get all the fun you can handle in Vegas this weekend." Angela complemented her as she removed her apron. "Casual sex with a random peen is much better than sex with an ex."

"You would know huh?" Devin taunted her and Angela swatted at him. "Shut up."

Rocky laughed. "What do you think Lily? You down to be my wing woman?"

"Why not? I have nothing better to do." I shurgged.

Devin laughed. "You don't sound too excited."

"Whoooohoo." I cheered, sarcastically before we left.

We headed to the nail bar next and as soon as we were seated, Rocky asked me how I was holding up with Trevor.

"I'm fine." I waved her off, looking over nail polish options.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you by not intervening. I just... You and Trevor being friends is not an option for him. Maybe down the road-" she started and I put my hand up to stop her.

"I get it." I started, not wanting to think about him. "Can we please just get our nails done? We can talk about getting you random peen, anything but him?" I begged.

"We can talk about what you want to do in Vegas, not random peen." Rocky smiled as we changed the subject. Jenna was coordinating a special dinner for Friday before the concert for Beatrice and her bridal party. Other than that, Mariah and Bianca's birthday party, I was open. The only thing I had planned was food I wanted to eat. After we got our hands and feet done, I managed to keep myself together long enough to go shopping and grab lunch with Rocky.

After we split up, I went to the grocery store and planned meals for the week. I went home and put the food away trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't get caught up in my thoughts. I couldn't help but think of how I spent my Sundays with Trevor. Mostly relaxing, lazy morning sex and sleeping in; catching up on TV shows while doing laundry. I ended up being productive and doing meal prep like Ethan did on Sundays. Then I started wondering if Ethan was doing the same thing and if he was thinking about me. I put on music to drown out my own thoughts as I finished my cooking for the week. I was eating spaghetti with Bolognese sauce when Ethan texted me.

Ethan: I found an arcade that has Mortal Kombat. You available some time next week?

At brunch, I taunted Ethan about a Mortal Kombat rematch because we never determined who was better after last year's mud run. EJ wanted to go, but since we couldn't take EJ to the bar, I told him I had to look into what arcade had the classic game. I completely forgot about it until now. I needed time to figure out what to say to Ethan to make everything ok. I typed, and retyped a response.

Me: I'm not feeling up to it. Maybe another time.

Ethan: Sure. Let me know when.

I stared at my phone, disappointed. So that was it? I knew I fucked up and it was my responsibility to fix it but he told me he loved me. If he loved me, why wasn't he hurting like I was? How could he be taking it so easily? I devoured my food, cleaned the kitchen before I went to bed.

Monday I woke up early, making an ultimate breakfast sandwich that Trevor and I perfected while already missing my daily morning text from Ethan. As soon as Dr. Pereira's office opened, I called to schedule an appointment with her. The soonest she could see me would be that afternoon, but I needed to give my job more notice than that. I scheduled it for Tuesday afternoon instead. If Dr. Clayton could switch with me, all I had to do was leave early. If he couldn't, I trusted Dr. Chapman to close for me.

Thankfully, when I called Dr. Clayton he was more than willing to switch with me. I was surprised by how upbeat he sounded. He hadn't sounded like his normal self in a long time. I was thrilled whatever that was going on between him and Dr. Fahri passed. On Monday, I worked hard to keep myself occupied. The moment I had a break or forgot to stay busy, my mind strayed to Ethan and how I messed everything up. Or to Trevor and the crippling emptiness his absence caused me. Every time I had a stray thought, I banished it from my head and told myself I would sort it out with Dr. Periera.

Tuesday afternoon, I was halfway through my day when Adil showed up. He normally announced when he was coming, so I was a little thrown off when he arrived a little before Dr. Clayton. Dr. Clayton greeted me friendlily, before he went and talk to Dr. Fahri for an hour.

"I wonder what is going on there." I said to Q after Dr. Clayton came out of the team lead office and Q and I headed to the cafe for lunch.

"Beats me. Dr. Fahri has been stopping by in the morning, but they never stayed in the office that long." Q supplied. "Hey Lily?"

"Yes?" I asked him. Whatever he was going to say, he thought better of it.

"Never mind. I'm gonna hit the track. I'll see you later." He said, walking away from me.

I didn't think much about it as I watched him leave. I got a huge cobb salad from the sandwich shop and ate my lunch in relative peace. I checked my messages from the past few days. Staci text me over the weekend about dragging Ethan and Daniel to the Jazz club, but I told her I would have to get back to her. Rocky texted to see if Ethan was dropping me off at the airport, and I told her I was just going to take an Uber. Sammy wanted to talk about Amber, but I told her I pretty much was staying out of her drama: I had enough of my own. I didn't tell anyone about Ethan breaking up with me. There was no point in announcing we weren't together anymore when I planned to change that as soon as possible. After my appointment, I would have a game plan to win Ethan back.

When I came back from lunch, Dr. Fahri pulled me aside before he left.

"You're not going to be here Friday, correct?"

"Right. My time off was approved. Dr. Clayton and I decided to have Chapman close. He's more than capable and Fridays are low volume." I relayed.

"Good. I set a meeting on Monday. It's on the calendar." He told me, sternly.

"I'll be back Monday. Is something going on?" I asked.

"We'll talk Monday. Have a good week." He said, tersely before he left. I groaned, inwardly, wondering what this could possibly be about. He and Clayton were on good terms-rumors about him quitting died down. I knew I had a bit of time off coming up, but it was my time and all approved. Not to mention it was just the summer league playing right now- we weren't anymore busy than usual. I sighed, pushing his dramatics out my head and told myself to focus on things I could control- that was my appointment with Dr. Pereira.

I left and with traffic, barely made it on time. Dr. Pereira was waiting for me and before I even sat down, I started venting. I told her about Trevor admitting he had feelings for me. I told her how I gave him an ultimatum of friendship or nothing, and he chose nothing- cutting me off. I revealed how much that devastated me and how inconsolable I was. I ended by telling her my reaction convinced Ethan I still had feelings for Trevor and he broke up with me.

"I get why he broke up with me. I just have to show him that I'm ready to be in a committed relationship. That's going to take more than words. He's going to want to see proof. I need help on how to show him that." I finished, desperate for her advice.

"Let's take a few steps back. When you decided to be friends with Trevor, you had no idea he still had feelings for you?" Dr. Pereira asked.

I fidgeted, thinking about his actions at Rocky's baby shower and at the hospital after Ace was born. Even when we went out to have nachos and decided to be friends, I ignored his eagerness to be around me and the way he looked at me. "He never told me he had feelings for me..."

"Lily-" she said, in a questioning manner.

"Ok. Yes. Maybe I knew there were still some feelings there, but I didn't think he was in love with me. Like, I had feelings too but I didn't want to be with Trevor."

"When did they go away?"

"What?"

"Those feelings that you had for Trevor- When did they go away?"

I thought about it. I was so busy denying any feelings for Trevor, I wasn't even truthful with myself. My reaction to not having Trevor in my life and him constantly being on my mind screamed a truth that I didn't want to believe.

"I don't know." I stated, weakly.

"Lily-"

"I know- I should know myself and I do want to talk about it. I just don't know if I still have feelings for him. I hate the way Trevor treated me. I hate how he handled getting sick. I hate how he doesn't respect my choices and my boundaries. I hate how he thinks he has the right to walk in and out of my life whenever he sees fit! I hate the person I was with him. Our relationship, hell our friendship was toxic- but that doesn't change how I feel about him. It doesn't just erase all the love I had for him." I cried.

She handed me tissues and I dabbed angrily at my eyes.

"You can love him but at the same time know you two are no good for each other. You said it yourself Lily: Your relationship with Trevor was toxic. Why, after knowing this, were you determined to maintain a friendship with him?"

"It hurt too much to let him go. It still hurts and that's the part I don't understand. I had Ethan. I love Ethan. Those feelings are real but I fucked things up with him because of Trevor. I hate that I cried over Trevor with Ethan."

"You can't apologize for your feelings. You can apologize for acting a certain way, but not for your feelings. Your pain over Trevor blocking you out unfortunately caused turmoil for Ethan, but the only thing you can do is address those feelings and be honest about them."

I shook my head. "It's too late. I wasn't honest with Ethan and he made up his mind. He said that he loved me but he broke up with me. If he really loves me, why was it so easy for him to leave me?" I sobbed.

"He has needs and wants and boundaries like you. It's not a question of whether it was easy or hard, but what he was willing to settle for." She told me, gently.

"He wasn't willing to settle with someone who is still hung up on her ex." I sniffled, wiping my face after I thought about what she said. "How do I get over Trevor? How do I get rid of these feelings?"

"When you love someone, they become a part of who you are. It's completely normal to have residual feelings, but you're holding on to Trevor. You need to figure out what you are holding on to. You have to acknowledge it, so you can let it go." Dr. Pereira told me.

After my appointment, I felt more confused than ever. I already grieved the lost of my relationship with Trevor: the expectations, the hopes I had for the future with him. I didn't want to be with him, but I had no idea why I was still holding on to Trevor. One thing was clear, Ethan was right: I wasn't ready. Until I figured out why I was holding on to Trevor and let him go, I couldn't be with anyone. I gave up all hope for a relationship with Ethan. Ethan deserved better than me. I couldn't be who he wanted or needed while I was still holding on to Trevor. I had to let go of Ethan.

I called Sammy to see if she would watch Justine while I was out of town. Originally, I asked Ethan to watch her but I wasn't ready to face him. I promised I would deal with everything when I got back from Vegas. I planned to eat, drink and relax until I had to come back to the real world. Thankfully, Sammy didn't question anything and offered to house and dog sit while I was gone. I quickly took her up on her offer and cleaned up, making sure I had the guest room ready for her. Thursday, I was finishing packing when I got a text from Ethan.

Ethan: What time do you want me to pick up Justine?

I sighed, knowing I couldn't avoid talking to Ethan before I left. He deserved the truth and not me avoiding him because it was hard to face it. I called him back instead of texting.

"Hey."

"Hey." I breathed. "Um, Sammy's going to house sit and watch Justine for me so you don't have to."

"Ok." He replied.

"I appreciate the offer and you staying true to your word about being friends. I just need a little time before I accept it."

"I understand." He replied.

I could have left it at that, but I needed to tell the whole truth. "I'm sorry. You were right about me... And Trevor. About everything. I'm not ready. I really wanted to be ready, but I'm not. I'm so sorry."

"It's ok." He cleared his throat. "I need to get going. Have a save trip."

"Bye Ethan." I said to a empty line.  I laid back in bed, allowing myself one more cry to grieve the lost of Ethan. Afterward, I had to pick myself up and figure my shit out.

Waiting for Love

"Monday left me broken

Tuesday I was through with hoping

Wednesday my empty arms were open

Thursday waiting for love, waiting for love

Thank the stars it's Friday

I'm burning like a fire gone wild on Saturday

Guess I won't be coming to church on Sunday

I'll be waiting for love, waiting for love

To come around" Waiting for Love by Avicii

I spent the rest of the evening in Ethan's arms, crying on and off. I hated that I was crying over Trevor with Ethan, but I couldn't help it. Ethan didn't ask any questions: he just held me. I was so grateful for that, as I didn't even want to think about Trevor. Just the thought of his face when he left brought on another round of tears. I eventually cried myself to sleep, the day finally catching up to me. I woke up around 2am, still in Ethan's tight embrace. I untangled myself from his arms and grabbed my bag that I set on the side table before I made my way through the dark to the sitting area.

I retrieved my cellphone before curling up on the couch. I looked at my notifications. Texts and missed calls from Rocky, Forrest, and Trevor. I pulled up Trevor's texts and read them.

Trevor: I'm sry I wont bother you again I know its over

Trevor: I will always lava you Lilypad.

The tears automatically formed again. I didn't know how I wasn't cried out over Trevor...

"Lily." Ethan's deep timbre filled the quiet room. I didn't even hear him awaken as he sat up, fully dressed in bed.

"Hey-" I said, my voice hoarse. I blinked my tears away as he got up and walked in my direction.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, sitting beside me.

"Fine." I nodded, avoiding his eyes. It was bad enough I already sobbed over Trevor in front of Ethan. I tried my hardest to pull it together. I didn't want to talk about Trevor and reopen the floodgates. When he didn't respond, I looked up to see him giving me a questioning glance.

"Better." I cleaned up. "Yesterday brought up a lot of memories for me. It was hard to hear, but I'm ok." I said, only partially lying. It was hard hearing about his cancer, but that was not the sole reason I was devastated.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I shook my head, enthusiastically. "Let's go back to bed. I'm exhausted." We went back to bed and I lay on my side, trying to force myself to go back to sleep. When I finally decided to deal with Trevor later and just get through the rest of the weekend with Ethan, I was able to get some sleep. The next morning I woke up before Ethan, committed to my attitude of not acknowledging or dealing with anything.

I took a shower, putting a cold wash towel over my eyes to combat the red, puffiness that crying gave them. I towel dried my hair and put it back into a bun before walking out of the room to throw on some clothes. The shower must have woke Ethan because he was sitting on the couch when I came out. He asked me again if I was ok, but I assured him I was with a smile and a kiss. I told him I was starving and planning to go get breakfast at the hotel, when I really needed a break from his questions and concerned glances.

"You want to skip brunch." Ethan said, understandably.

"No." I said, quickly. Amber arranged for everyone to meet for a kid and dog friendly brunch at a restaurant in Dallas. As much as I didn't want to see Trevor, I knew it would cause more questions and drama if I skipped brunch. "They probably just have muffins and cereal. I'll still be hungry by brunch time. Do you want anything?"

Ethan declined so after I got dressed, I left him to go to the lobby for food. I was making my third trip around, killing time when I heard my name called.

"Good morning Rocky." I smiled at her, brightly.

"Hey! You didn't get my calls or text? I was worried about you." She said, standing beside me.

"Not until this morning. I figured you were passed out or occupied with Forrest and I didn't want to disturb you." I said, hintingly.

"I wasn't with Forrest." She exhaled. "I was this close to barreling down your door when you and Ethan didn't answer me. What happened?"

"I don't want to get into it, just please run Trevor interference for me? I'm just trying to get through today and I really can't talk to him right now." I begged her.

"Trevor left. He went back to Austin." Rocky informed me.

I felt nauseous as I thought about the last text Trevor sent me. "Good." I forced out. "I can deal with his drama another day." When Rocky looked at me, worried, I cut her off. "I'm ok. We'll talk about this later but I really need to get food upstairs. Ethan is waiting for me." I motioned to the buffet. 

Rocky nodded and helped me get two cups of coffee and a plate filled with assorted muffins. I expertly carried it back to the room, but went extra slow to get there.

Ethan was in the shower when I got back and I grabbed a coffee and a muffin before sitting on the couch to eat. I was watching Jordan's Snapchat videos of them playing cornhole, riding the mechanical bull and taking shots together. I saw the girl Forrest was casually seeing in some of the pictures and wondered if that was why Rocky was short about him this morning. I gave myself a mental reminder to ask about it. I knew we would be talking soon anyway about Trevor.

Speaking of, Jordan recorded his speech and that video played on her Snapchat too. Like a moth to a flame, I couldn't help watching it- even though I knew it would burn me. I was halfway through the speech when Ethan came out the bathroom, fully dressed. I quickly swiped to the next post.

"There's coffee and muffins if you want some." I offered him, cheerfully. It sounded forced to my own ears.

"I'll take you up on the coffee." He stated, joining me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." I said, handing him a few half and half containers. We ate in silence- or I picked at my muffin while he sipped his coffee. I caught him watching me a few times as I faked interest in my food. I ignored his glances- I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to say. The safest thing to do until I knew what to think, feel, or say was nothing. So that's what I did.

I was thankful that Ethan didn't push me to talk. We finished our breakfast in silence and then planned the rest of the day. Ethan was going to drop me off while he picked up EJ and then swing back to get me so we could meet our friends for brunch. Then I planned to leave with Rocky so we could talk and I could come up with a plan on how to deal with Trevor.

Once Ethan dropped me off at my house, I let Justine outside, giving her water and food before I went to change again. I chose a short sleeve peasant top and my most flattering white distressed jeans with wedge sandals. I did full on make-up, wanting to look flawless. My wavy, air dried hair I pulled back with a thin headband. I felt beautiful and confident as I examined myself in the mirror. When Ethan called to let me know he was pulling up outside, I grabbed Justine and her leash and we met them outside.

On the drive over, I learned that EJ was on punishment for the next week because of a fight he had after the game Saturday. The team won and Alex's mom invited everyone out to cici's to eat. Apparently, the kids were doing some roasting battle and EJ roasted Tommy, the coach's son, on the Lebron 13 shoes he just got and was humble bragging about all week. Tommy got mad and squirted EJ in the face with soda from his straw and EJ pushed him. It was broken up before a real fight but Megan grounded EJ for a week. Since Ethan had EJ for the next week, Ethan had to enforce the punishment of no games, phone or laptop for defending himself.

I really disagreed with the harsh punishment but I didn't say anything contradictory about it. Ethan lectured EJ, saying that was his teammate. While I totally understood that, Tommy really sucked on and off the court so I saw where EJ was coming from. I told EJ that the punishment was going to suck, but not as much as Tommy wearing those ugly ass shoes and not playing anything like Lebron. EJ laughed and said that's exactly what he said.

We arrived at the restaurant called The Lot and Amber already text me that they were seated outside. I wouldn't normally put a gastropub and kid friendly together, but I was pleasantly surprised by the restaurant/pub. Not only did it have a covered outside seating with music playing, but a huge sandbox with a playground right across from it so the adults could relax and watch the kids play. Amber's kids were already playing while Amber, Will, Rocky, Brandon, baby Ace, Jake, Dino, Omar, Kelly, baby Olivia, Staci, Daniel and Cherish were spread out on two long tables next to each other. The tables got suspiciously quiet when they noticed Ethan and I approaching.

"Hey. Sorry we're late." I said, keeping a smile on my face even though they made it fucking obvious they were just talking about us.

"No. You're fine." Amber said as she rose to give me a hug. "Sammy just texted me back that she and Corey are on the way."

I pulled back from her hug and then waved at everyone. Ethan and EJ went to greet everyone but I took an empty seat beside Rocky holding Ace who was next to Kelly holding Olivia. My smile was genuine at the babies.

"How old is she now? 7 months?" I asked Kelly while admiring Oliva's full head of curls, playful babble and chubby fingers as she attempt to pull Kelly's hair.

"8 months now." Kelly beamed, ducking from her reach.

"She's so sweet. I don't think I heard her cry once." I complimented her.

"You haven't been around her enough. She cries all the time-." Omar started.

"No she doesn't. You just don't have any patience." Kelly cut him off, glaring at him.

"Should I ask if their planning to have another?" I asked Rocky under my breath as they bickered.

"Please don't. I don't wanna hear that fight again." Rocky muttered back and I hid my smile as I picked up a menu. EJ and Ethan sat beside me, with EJ in the middle. Once EJ told us what he wanted to eat, he ran off to the playground. While Ethan and I were deciding what we wanted, I looked up from the menu and saw Amber, Brandon, Jake and Staci watching us. I gave them no reaction and focused back on the menu. I knew they either saw or heard about Trevor's speech so they were looking to see any cracks in our relationship. I definitely wasn't going to let that happen. Once the waiter came and took our orders, I turned to Ethan, scooting into EJ's spot and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Don't forget, you still owe me a dance." I smiled at him.

"A dance?" He said, eying me confused.

"Yes. You promised me a slow dance last night. I still want my dance." I reminded him.

"Here? There's no one even dancing."

I shrugged. "Like that's ever stopped me."

His lips quirked into a smirk. "If you wait, I'll take you dancing next week."

"Back to Ms. Diana?" I asked.

"Sure." He replied and I grinned.

"Who's Ms. Diana?" Daniel asked us.

"She's a dance instructor that does swing out lessons at this jazz club." I explained.

"You would go to a dance class?" Brandon said, incredulously.

"He's already been to one." I smiled. "He got an A for effort."

"Oh man. That's almost as bad as a participation trophy." Will teased him as well. When we all laughed, Ethan nodded to me.

"You want to tell them about your first time at shooting range?" He challenged me.

"Hey. I'm from California. I wasn't raised with firearms being a part of general education." I pointed out.

"Because I'm from Texas, I should know how to dance?" Ethan asked me.

"No. Because your black." Rocky said, reading my mind before we dissolved into laughter. That comment started a good natured discussion about racial stereotypes. When Sammy and Corey joined us and heard the tail end of Dino's comment of people assuming everyone speaking Spanish had to be Mexican, Sammy rolled her eyes.

"God, are y'all talking about Trump? Because I can't do it today." Sammy shook her head.

"No. Racial stereotypes. Ethan can't dance." Amber clued her in.

"Damn. Do you have a small dick too?" Sammy asked, joking as Corey looked at her, irritated.

"No. That's one stereotype that's completely true." I exaggerated a wink at Ethan.

"Stop." Ethan shook his head while I laughed.

"Subject change." Will requested.

Our drinks arrived and the subject changed to summer plans. Dino and Jake just came back from a trip to Cabo to celebrate their one year anniversary. Staci was taking her daughter Cherish to D.C. for a student council trip for her school. Rocky and I were going to Vegas in 2 weeks and Ethan and I were going to the Dominican Republic. Rocky suggested Brandon go on a trip on his break before he started working at the new Target, but he said he wanted to relax with Ace. Amber lamented she wished she could get away from her kids for a vacation.

"We went to New Orleans in the beginning of the year. You went to Miami in March. We just came back from Winstar. How many trips do you want a year?" Will asked her.

"As many as I need to get away. I work hard enough and make enough." She threw back, arrogantly.

"I was researching into Arkansas for a road trip with EJ before he goes back to school. Renting a cabin, doing some hiking and fishing. We can take the kids and alternate nights with them so you can have alone time." Ethan offered.

"That sounds fun. Throw in some board games, wine, hot springs... Or a cabin with a hot tub." I smiled.

"Oh yeah. Sounds as much fun as the Dominican Republic." Amber snorted, sarcastically before finishing her drink.

"With the right people it could be." I looked at her, not hiding my disgust. The food arrived and I thanked the waiter.

Amber exhaled slowly after the waiter left to get the rest of the food. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm just stressed at work. Mia is purposely working my nerves."

Staci nodded sympathetically and I said nothing, keeping my face as neutral as possible.

"What?" Amber asked me.

"I said nothing." I said, looking away to eat some fried cauliflower.

"Your face said everything. What do you have to say?" Amber pressed me

I finished chewing, not saying a word. "This is really good." I said, offering one to Ethan.

"Really?" Amber started but Dino's snort stopped her short.

"I don't even know how she's still a topic of conversation. I thought Mia was cut off months ago. Can I try a cauliflower?" Dino asked me at the end of her rant.

"Sure." I smiled, handing over my basket.

Amber got up in a huff to gather her kids to wash their hands and eat. We looked at Will to go after her. He continued eating.

"You should go talk to her." Ethan suggested after he waved EJ over.

"And tell her what? Ditto? I'm good." Will said plainly.

Ethan asked EJ to take Robbie to the bathroom so they could wash their hands together. When the kids came back, we ate, drank and had a great time. After brunch, I gave everyone hugs goodbye and kissed Ethan before I left with Rocky. By the time we got back to her place, I told her everything that happened between Trevor and me.

"Damn Trevor. I didn't realize what a manipulative asshole he was being." Rocky said after she put Ace to bed and we sat on her couch.

"I don't think he was being manipulative- just desperate." I mused.

"Putting you and your boyfriend down while claiming he loves you? How is that not manipulative?"

"I don't think he meant to put me down." I argued.

Rocky looked at me, dumbfounded.

"Don't look at me like that. I just... understand his thinking. I used to think the same way. I think my lowest point was Halloween when we had sex and I thought we were getting back together. I thought I showed him what a better girlfriend I could be. I literally told him that if he didn't get back together with me, that meant he didn't think what we had was special. When that didn't work, it made me realize how I used sex for love and acceptance. I had both of them tied into him and when he rejected me, I felt worthless. Going to therapy made me realize I needed to love and accept myself. He needs to realize the same." I explained.

"Ok, but you can't make him. No one forced you to go to therapy."

I sighed. "But he was the catalyst: I wanted to fix myself for him. A part of me was still hoping we'd have a chance."

"So what? You want to give him hope so he'll get the help he needs?" Rocky stated, a look on her face that said that was the worst idea ever.

I shook my head. "No. I just want to be there for him- as a friend."

"Hmph. What did Ethan say about all this?"

"He doesn't know Trevor still has feelings for me." I admitted.

"You are going to tell him right?" Rocky asked. When I hesitated, she sighed deeply. "Lily, that is going to blow up in your face."

"If I tell the truth, I really lose Trevor as a friend because there is no way in hell Ethan will ever be cool with us. No matter what I do, I'm fucked. That's why I'm not doing anything. I'm just trying to wait it out."

"I did the same thing after I cheated with Bilal- pretended like it didn't happen, wait until it went back to normal. It never did." She warned me.

I scoffed. "This is a little different. I'm not cheating on Ethan."

"Ok Lily. Good luck."

I was planning to spend the night, but I took an Uber home, annoyed by Rocky's condescending attitude. I wasn't planning to lie to Ethan indefinitely about Trevor, I just needed some time to figure things out. Trevor and I always worked it out. That was the constant of our relationship. I just needed to wait for it to work.

I went to work Monday, everything still weighing heavily on my mind. I knew that until I resolved things with Trevor, I wouldn't feel any relief. At lunch, I got an opening when Forrest sent me the links to the photos of the mudrun. I sent Trevor a candid photo of us at the finish line and captioned it:

Who thought the mudrun would be the least messy part of the weekend 🙃

My phone beeped back immediately and I smiled, knowing it was Trevor with an equally corny remark. I was shocked when I saw a message undeliverable reply. I called his number and got a message that the number I was trying to dial couldn't be reached.  I texted Rocky right away.

Me: Have you talked to Trevor recently?

She didn't text me until I was heading back to work.

Rocky: yeah, last night.

Me: same number?

Rocky: yes.

Me: text him and let me know if it goes through

I waited 15 minutes and Rocky never got back to me. When I got off, she sent me a text to call her.

"He blocked your number Lily." She informed me, solemn.

"What?" I said, not understanding why he would do that. I was sure after our talk Rocky said something to him to make him change his number, but he blocked me???

"He said you were right. You two can't be friends so he's finally doing the right thing by you."

"Ohmygod, he's always pulling this shit! Doing what he thinks is best for me. 3way call him right now." I demanded.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'm not going to do that. He needs a clean break and so do you." She doubled down.

"He freaking texted me he lava me and blocked me. There is nothing clean about this!" I seethed.

"I'm sorry Lily." She said simply.

"So am I! I thought you were my friend. I can't believe after everything I've done for you, you can't do this one thing for me."

"I'm out of it Lily. Do whatever you think is best, but think long and hard about your relationship with Ethan before you do anything."

She hung up with me and I groaned with frustration. It wasn't fucking fair. I didn't want to be with Trevor, but I wanted to be a part of his life. I kept thinking about how I asked him to leave and that defeated look on his face. I had to talk to him and let him know I didn't want him out of my life. I went on social media and saw he unfriended me and blocked me on there as well. 

Ethan invited me over, but I was still reeling from the revelation the Trevor was cutting me out. Again. I felt sick, flashing back to how when Trevor broke up with me he cut me completely off. When I got home, I tried to email him. I waited until 2 am in the morning- no response.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with no email and decided I wouldn't care. If he needed to cut me off, so be it. I wouldn't think about him anymore. Then I tried to make breakfast, but everything I had reminded me of the breakfast house Trevor made me. Work kept me busy enough and Trevor off my mind. That night, I went over to Ethan's to hang out with him and EJ. After dinner, Ethan was working on a problem that occurred on one of his sites so I watched T.V. with EJ. With him being grounded, we were forced to watch TV and landed on cartoon network. It reminded me of all the nights I came home to find Trevor watching cartoons in bed. I tried to focus on EJ and the show, but the memories of cuddling in the bed with Trevor, laughing at the stupid jokes over powered me...

"Lily?" Ethan called me out of my trance.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Are you really watching this?" He asked, motioning to the TV. We Bare Bears was playing as Ethan sat beside me on the couch. I had no idea where EJ went.

"No. It is late. I should be going." I said, standing up.

"C'mon. I'll walk you out." He said, attempting to hold my hand.

"No. You don't have to. Get back to work or relax." I gave him a kiss on the cheek before I let myself out.

Wednesday, since I couldn't get Trevor out of my mind, I focused on my anger at him. God, he was so selfish. He came into my life, detonated a bomb and disappeared before dealing with the aftermath. He belittled me and the growth I made. He said I was a different person, like that was a bad thing. I was a grown woman, not a little boy in a man's body doing the same shit I was doing in college. He attacked Ethan for being a grown up too- he's grim, he's safe, he has a family, he won't love you as much as I do, blah blah blah. 

Ethan isn't grim, he's fucking mature. He was safe because he didn't play childish games. He had a family that wasn't filled with racist and actually accepted me! And maybe Ethan would never build me a breakfast house or surprise me with secret getaways or sing love songs in my ear or tell me he loved me everyday but he'd never abandon me like Trevor! That night, I skipped hanging out with Ethan and EJ to hit the gym. There was no boxing class, but I went through the routine 3 times until I was exhausted.

Thursday I was done. I was back to not wanting to think or feel anything. There was nothing I could do but accept that Trevor was no longer a part of my life. There would be no friendship. No cordial conversation. No 20 years from now sitting on the porch with our respective spouses and children talking about marrying our kids so that we would always be connected. First by friendship, then by marriage. No nothing. He was a part of my past now.  I spent that night looking through old pictures. Featured in a lot of my pictures were Trevor; I didn't have the heart to get rid of them.

Friday, I was exhausted with holding everything in. I barely had the energy to go to work. Ethan called me around my lunch time, but I texted him back that I was swamped and would talk to him when I got off. As soon as I got off from work, I went straight home and into bed. I let the grief hit me and I cried. God, I was hoping I could cry it out and be over it. I wanted to be over him. I needed to be. How many times could your heart break over a man?

"Lily?"

I jumped, scared half to death when a deep voice called my name. I turned to the concerned look of Ethan.

"What-what are you doing here?" I asked him, wiping my face quickly.

"What's wrong?" He asked ignoring my question.

"It's nothing. Where's EJ?" I sniffled, sitting up.

"Spending the night at Jayden's" he looked me over, staring in my eyes. "It's not nothing. You've been distant all week. I've been waiting for you to talk to me. I need to know what's going on with you Lily."

"I just have a headache. Long day. Maybe allergies." I lied.

"It has nothing to do with Trevor telling you he had feelings for you?"

I froze. "What? Who told you?"

"I heard him. I was outside the door." 

I put my head down, ashamed. "We haven't spoken since."

"Are you regretting that you cut him off?" Ethan asked.

I winced. I had to tell him the truth. If not, it would really blow up in my face. "I didn't. He cut me off. He blocked my number and me on social media. I... I understand he needs to get over me but it hurts." I said, fresh tears forming.

"Because you love him." Ethan said, detached.

"No!" I said, looking into his eyes. They looked cold and empty. "No. We were just a part of each other's life for a long time. It's hard not to be anymore."

"It's hard because you love him."

I shook my head. "I'm just overwhelmed. I'm grieving and processing and the rejection doesn't help. I'm trying to get my head straight, but I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too, but not while you're still in love with him." He said standing up.

I quickly grabbed his arm. "No. Stop saying that Ethan. I never said that. I am over him." I said, tears streaming down my face.

He stood there for a long minute before he pulled me in his arms. "We promised we'd go back to being friends. I'll always be here for you." He said softly in my hair before letting me go.

"Ethan, I don't want to be just friends." I cried as he turned away. "Don't leave me Ethan!" He kept walking. "Ethan! I swear if you leave me, we're done! Forever!"

He paused for the slightest moment before turning back to me. "I love you. Let me know when you're ready." I watched him, stunned at his confession as he gave me one more look before he left the room. It took me a moment before I chased after him.

"ETHAN! Wait. I love you too!!!" I cried.

I got to the front door just in time to see his truck drive away.

Can't Help But Wait (Ethan's POV)

***Sorry it's late... And short. As we know, Ethan's a man a few words, but I thought it was important to get into his headspace before Lily's post. Friday will be back to Lily and moving the story along!




"Get it together, you can do better

Seeing is believing, and I see what you need so

I'm gonna play my position, let you catch what you been missing

I'm calling out girl because I can't help but wait

Till you get back with him, it don't change (Can't help but wait)

Till you see that with me, it ain't the same (Can't help but wait)

Till you see you for what you really are (Baby girl you are a star)

And I can't help but wait" Can't Help but Wait by Trey Songz

***Ethan's POV***

I stood at the elevator, focused on my watch to give Lily exactly 30 minutes. Her grief stricken face had me struggling to honor her request but I was going to do what she asked and give her time to collect herself. I notated the time on my watch before walking to the lobby to sit and wait. While I waited, I recalled the self affirmations she recited to calm down. It took me by surprise that she had to tell herself that she was strong, confident and worthy. Those were all qualities I saw in her. I planned to remind Lily of them when I went up to the room in 18 minutes...

"Ethan." I glanced away from my watch and saw Serena. I nodded at her before she sat beside me. "That speech was brutal. Are you ok?" She asked me.

"I'm fine." I nodded again, truthfully. Trevor's speech only confirmed what I already knew- He still had feelings for Lily. I suspected he had feeling for Lily when he dropped off Thor before he went to California. Driving 4 hours to drop of his dog with Lily made no sense unless he wanted to spend time with her. No one pushes that hard to be in an ex's life if there were no feelings. Him crashing our date let me know I was right.

I couldn't help noticing the irony of feeling exactly how Serena felt- hating that I was right. I wasn't a religious person; I took EJ to church because it was how I was raised. My mind didn't work in a way to have blind faith in anything, much less an entity with no proof of existing. I heard numerous sermons about reaping what you sowed and I couldn't ignore the fact that ever religion or spirituality had the idea of karma. Maybe it wasn't irony- but karma for how I treated Serena.

I was never fully invested in our relationship. After I accused Lily of having an abortion, I was grateful she forgave me. I couldn't hope for more than her friendship back then and decided to move on. Rocky set me up with Serena and it made sense: we were both ambitious, practical and ready to settle down. We got along well and had plenty in common, but we never had a spark. I never mistreated Serena, but being around Lily only highlighted that I would never feel that deeply for her. At least, not the way I felt about Lily.

Serena patted me on the knee when I didn't say anything else. "I'm leaving but I wanted to make sure you were ok. My number hasn't changed. I'm here for you- if you want to talk."

I was taken aback by her offer. I don't make it a habit of being friends with my exes, but I believed Serena and I could be friends when we parted. After my birthday party, she did want to see if we could give it another try. I turned her down, telling her that I still had unresolved feelings for Lily. I needed to sort them out before I tried with anyone. Serena understood and we kept in contact up until the point I told her I was dating Lily. The checking in texts, sharing recommendations and stories about her job stopped. I didn't think much about it then, but I did appreciate her offer to open lines of communication now.

"Thank you Serena." I said. She gave me a brief hug before she left. It was second nature to want to walk her out, but I had to stay for Lily. As brutal as it was for me to witness Trevor's speech, I knew Lily was hurting and I needed to be here for her. We never got into the particulars of her breakup with him, but I knew the basics from mutual friends. He hid his cancer and broke up with her. I knew it had to be hard to relive that. I chose to believe that was why she was so emotional about his speech.

Once 25 minutes elapsed, I headed back to the elevator. I was walking to our room when I heard Lily's muffled cry about someone ruining everything. My pulse quickened a beat as I heard a male's voice muffled reply. I knew without a doubt it was Trevor. My feet involuntarily moved quicker as I pulled out my hotel room key. I approached our door, sliding the key in and opening it the slightest bit, quietly.

"-trying to be friends with you, but you are making it so we can never be friends." Lily's plea carried through the cracked door.

"I can't be your friend. After my surgery, I tried- I can't do it. I'm crazy about you. I'll never not want to be with you. If you don't feel the same, I won't be in your life." Trevor stated.

I waited, patiently for her response. I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on their conversation, but I needed to know how Lily felt about Trevor. During our talk Friday after dinner with Trevor, I wasn't sure if Lily was oblivious or naive to Trevor's feelings. It was obvious by the way he looked at her he still had feelings. I knew it was only a matter of time before Trevor revealed his true intentions. I didn't expect he would let his feelings known as quickly as he did. I hadn't formulated how I would handle the situation. I waited to hear how Lily dealt with him...

She didn't respond- the only thing I heard were her sobs. Gut wrenching tears that called out to me, making me forget about the fact that she said nothing about his confession. I pushed the door open, letting it slam behind me to announce my presence.

The sight of her, curled up on the floor crying had a dull hurt vibrating through my body. It was quickly edged out by rage as the cause of her pain took a step towards her. The combination of Trevor hurting her and trying to get her back had me seeing red.  

"Get out." I fumed, barely controlling my anger.

When he had the nerve to stand there looking at me then Lily, I knew I needed to get him out of there before I did something I regretted.

"I'm not going to ask you again. Get out." I repeated, clenching my fist, fighting the urge to not physically remove him from my room. I almost lost that battle when he looked up at me defiantly and said,

"I'm not leaving unless she ask me to."

"Leave." Lily croaked out as I never took my eyes of Trevor. He maintained eye contact with me as he slithered his way out of my room. Lily was the only reason I maintained control- being there for her was more important than my anger. Once he was gone, I looked back at Lily. She looked away, but it was too late- I already saw the grief and anguish in her eyes. I momentarily froze, studying her reaction until she slowly got up on shaky legs and took a step towards me. I automatically went to her and held her close to me. I led her to the bed as she cried again. We laid down together, me holding her, wanting to ease her pain as she cried out her despair.

While I rubbed her back, I wondered if her despair was at losing her friendship or her soulmate. The conversation we had at Rocky's baby shower ran through my mind. She called Trevor her soulmate. Back then, that conversation was one of the reasons I kept my feelings to myself. If he was her soulmate, what could I possibly be to her?

I kept my feelings to myself, but the more time I spent with her, the more convinced I was the feelings were mutual. From barbecuing together and watching movies with EJ, we were compatible and the attraction I had for her never went away. Sitting at the bar with her the night Rocky had false contractions, I knew we had to give us a real try or I would forever regret it. When she finally agreed to date me, I promised myself if Trevor ever came back into the picture, I would step away so she could work things out with him.

When Trevor showed up at EJ's basketball game, I mentally prepared myself to go back to being friends. Watching her leave with him was rough, but I was thankful it happened before my feelings developed any deeper. Lily insisted that she only went out with Trevor for closure, but I didn't know if I could trust that. When we first met, the only reason I wanted to be around Lily was to see if she was trustworthy to be in EJ life. She quickly proved to me I could trust her and I didn't have to worry about EJ. As far as our relationship went, I wanted to have that same blind trust. The only way to receive that kind of trust was to give it. So I did. I trusted her with almost everything. The only thing I held back was that I was in love with her.

I knew she didn't feel the same about me. The mention of love made her uncomfortable, but that didn't change how I felt. It was a combination of little things that made me love her: the way she danced and sang to herself, her competitive streak, the love she had for EJ, her playful sense of humor. I knew life with her would be loud, full of music and bad reality TV shows. I also knew we would disagree about spoiling not only Justine, but any kids or other pets she might want in the future. It would be dramatic, because Lily was prone to dramatics every now and again. It would be full of love, because as cliche as it sounded, every day I discovered something new to love about her. Until she told me she felt the same, I had to wait to tell her that I loved her.

The love I had for her made me helpless now. I didn't know what else I could do. My dad's advice of wooing Lily worked- I continued to mirror how she showed affection so she would know how much I loved her. I waited for the day she felt the same about me. My mom told me to tread lightly, that Lily was more fragile than she let on. I recognized that but I also saw glimpses of the strong, confident woman she was. I loved her regardless and waited for the day she could see herself the way I saw her. Brandon warned me until she was completely over Trevor, I should cut my losses before she relapsed like Rocky did with Bilal. While I trusted Lily wouldn't cheat, I wasn't as sure that she was over Trevor. I didn't know what would be harder: waiting for her to get over him or walking away in love with her. 

Lily's sobs quieted, the only evidence of her crying was her shuddering body. I held her even tighter. At this point, all I could do was wait for the truth and hope I had the strength to make the right choice.

Wait (Trevor's POV)

"You say I'm just another bad guy

You say I've done a lot of things I can't undo

Before you tell me for the last time, yeah

I'm beggin', beggin', beggin', beggin', beggin' you

Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around?

Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out?

Just wait, can you come here please? 'Cause I wanna be with you" Wait by Maroon 5

***Trevor's Point of View***

"Leave."

The last word Lily said to me repeated over and over in my head as I left the hotel. Her tear stained face was etched in my brain as I hastily grabbed Thor and his belongings from Rocky's house. Lily's bloodshot eyes haunted me the entire drive back to Austin.

"Leave."

It wasn't the first time Lily pushed me away. She did it over and over again in our relationship: From getting her to admit she had feelings for me to her refusing to get back together on my birthday. Every single time, deep down in my heart I knew she would eventually come around. Our love was too strong for her not to... My phone rang, cutting off my thoughts. I grabbed it, ready to turn the car around if it was Lily. It wasn't. I answered when I saw it was Rocky.

"Where are you?" She demanded as soon as I picked up.

"On my way home."

"To my house?"

"No. I left your house. I'm heading back to Austin."

Rocky sighed heavily. "You went to see her, didn't you?"

After my speech, I searched the crowd trying to make eye contact with Lily. I didn't see her or Ethan when I returned to the table. Everyone congratulated me and I asked Rocky where Lily went. Rocky narrowed her eyes at me. She'd been giving me this look a lot the past few days.

"She'll be back." Forrest answered for her. He was giving me a disapproving look, but I pretended not to notice.

"What's her room number?" I asked Rocky.

Rocky shook her head and before she could start getting on to me, I turned to leave. I was ready to knock on every hotel room door if I had to to find her.

"Trevor." Jordan approached me, giving me a hug as I reached the exit of the room. 

"That was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing." She said when I pulled away.

"Thank you. I wanted to check on Lily but she's not answering her phone- do you know her room number so I can try her there?" I asked Jordan.

"Um... 508? I think. Definitely the 5th floor." Jordan said, thoughtfully.

"Thanks." I said, leaving. 

When I was nervous about speaking because I didn't know what to say, Jordan was the one that encourage me to speak from the heart and share my experience of how much support meant to me while I was fighting cancer. The first person I thought of was Lily. She was the reason all my friends rallied beside me when I hid my diagnosis. She sent me care packages and wrote me letters when I pushed her away. She supported me after I broke up with her.

Her support is what got me through the darkest of days. I wore the never give up Pac Man t-shirt she got me when I had chemo treatment. I would replay our first date and every date after making the time fly by. No matter how sick I felt, I forced myself to drink one of her meal replacement milkshakes every morning, hearing her passionate speech about how important it was to break the fast. I kept her letter with me at all times, re-reading the words whenever I got low or discouraged: You fight cancer and I'll fight for us. It kept my spirits high, the dream of us getting another chance once I beat cancer is what kept me going.

That dream was crushed when J-Mike showed me the video of her hanging out with Christian on Thanksgiving. The fact that she chose to spend time with him instead of me vindicated my previous actions. Even if I did beat cancer, life with me would be constantly having to worry about cancer coming back. Biological children was something I no longer wanted. Our lives would never be the way she planned: Why would she settle for a life with me if was hanging out with someone like Christian who could give her everything she wanted?

The jealousy and hurt made me cold and bitter. At the point, I didn't even want to be friends with Lily. Every time I saw her I felt betrayal, anger and proof that I wasn't good enough. Hanging with J-Mike didn't help. He encouraged me to move on, made plans for the trips and traveling we were going to do and the girls we were going to see. None of those plans compared to the memories I had with Lily. When I found out Bianca and Noelle were the only reason she was hanging out with Christian, the feelings of anger and betrayal went away.  I knew I still wasn't good enough for her, but if Lily would have me I would spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy. When she turned me down, I was afraid she didn't love me anymore.

When she came to be there doing my surgery, I knew there was still a chance for us. When she kissed me, I felt all the love she still had for me. It didn't matter who she was dating or hanging out with- she still loved me. It still hurt like hell when she started to date Christian, but I knew it wouldn't last. I knew with time Lily would see how selfish and two-faced Christian was, but I hated that she was with him so I acted out about it.

From telling Christian that Lily slept with Richard to bringing that blonde to Rocky's birthday day party, it was all ways to get under Lily's skin. I figured if she felt any of the hurt, jealousy or longing I felt for her she would reach out to me and we would finally work it out. She never did and Sammy threatened to cut me off to save her friendship with Lily. That was my wake up call that if I kept it up, I wouldn't even have Lily as a friend.

So I attempted to be her friend. When Ace was born, I apologize for the way I was acting and offered my friendship. When she wanted to talk in person to hash everything out, I drove to see her. When she asked me not to tell Cam about Johnny, I respected her wishes. I needed to be her friend again because that was how we fell in love. I know I had to wait for things to happen organically but planned to speed things along by being a constant presence in her life. That plan went to hell when I found out she was dating Ethan.

As much as I hated Christian, I understood the attraction. I dissuaded him from dating Lily and maybe Lily had to see what could have been between them. Ethan on the other hand, I didn't understand. He was wrong for her in every way. He would never appreciate her for who she was and wanted to change her. I could tell already by how formal she was when we took the dogs to the park. She maintained distance between us, not just physically but emotionally too. She didn't make plans with me without conferring with him. When we talked, she put me on speaker phone so he could hear. From her social media, their nights consisted of playing house with EJ and it made me realize that maybe she didn't want him, but the family he offered.

I pointed this out to Rocky, and she cut me off- stating that Lily was happy and that's all that mattered to her. Rocky told me if I was a true friend, I would support her relationship with Ethan. I agreed but also plotted to go to Italian Vila to see if that was where Ethan was taking her. Fate was on my side as they walked in the restaurant 20 minutes after Rocky and I were seated. Lily was always a beautiful woman, but the way she carried herself now was someone in complete control and confident. I stared at her in awe until she caught my glance. Some of the confidence wavered as she walked over to us. I could tell she was nervous and didn't want to sit with us, but how could I deny fate?

They sat down with us and one thing that was abundantly clear during our tense dinner was that Lily and I still had a connection. More than once Lily's and my eyes would meet and we shared a secret smile or a joke. Ethan barely spoke at all and there was nothing between them. By the end of dinner I was convinced that Lily and I still belong together.

Rocky lectured me again about supporting their relationship and how disrespectful I was being. I argued that I didn't see how I was being disrespectful by having dinner together, but that was a lie. I had nothing but disrespectful thoughts since I saw Lily in that red dress. It fit her body perfectly and showed off her full tits and long legs. I never got to see it from the back, but I'm sure it was just as sexy... 

Rocky must have been able to read my mind, because she snapped at me. "You weren't here when y'all first broke up. She was devastated and broken. She's finally put herself back together again. If you love her, you have to let her go Trevor." Rocky pleaded with me on the drive home.

I didn't say anything because I didn't want to lie. Honestly, her comment proved my point. Lily didn't love Ethan; Ethan was only the safe choice because she would never love him the way she loved me therefore he couldn't hurt her the way that I did. I only had to show Lily we belong together and I would never hurt her. When I took Jordan's advice and spoke from the heart, of course I spoke about Lily. She was my heart. I didn't want to be without her anymore.

"What happened Trevor?" Rocky asked me, bringing me back to the present.

"I told her I still loved her. She asked me to leave." I told her the shorten version.

"I haven't been able to get in touch with her or Ethan and you're driving back to Austin. I'm not dumb. I know it was more than that. Tell me everything that happened." She demanded.

"I gotta focus on the road. I'll talk to you later." I said, not waiting for a reply before hanging up.

I arrived back at my place, nodding to the doorman as I made my way to the elevator. I normally would make small talk with Frank before I would head up, but he took my luggage and Thor as a sign I needed to get up to my condo. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I needed to regroup and plan my next step in getting Lily back.

That was foiled when I walked through my foyer and saw Bilal lounging out on my couch.

"The fuck? Did I ask you to house sit?"

"Naw. Rocky asked me to check on you. She said you better be dead or close to dying considering you hung up on her." Bilal said, sitting up and fixing me with a stare. "Thanks for the heads up. I got my ass chewed out and I'm sure it was meant for you."

I tried to grin, but I'm sure it came out more like a grimace. "I thought you were into that?"

"Hahaha. Now that the banter is out the way, tell me what happened?" Bilal prodded.

I took Thor off his leash and gave him water. I took my bag in the room, ignoring Bilal's question. I was faking like I was unpacking when I heard my voice from the living room. I went back out to see Bilal had a recording of the speech I gave at the banquet blaring from the smart TV.

"How'd you get that?" I said, trying to grab the remote from him.

"Jordan posted it on line. You're #Inspiration." Bilal replied, switching the remote to his other hand to keep it from me. I walked to the tv and turned it off by unplugging it. He started playing it from his phone instead.

I sat down on the coach and ran my fingers through my hair before covering my face with my hands.

"Leave."

The single word echo in my head. Lily had pushed me away before, but this was the first time I felt that she meant it...

"I fucked up." I muttered.

"What was that?"

"Turn that damn thing off and I'll tell you." I moved my hands from my face to point at his phone. Once he turned the video off, I told him what happened- from me interrupting her date to me professing my love for her and she and Ethan kicking me out.

"Damn. I thought you were exaggerating- fucked up is an understatement." Bilal commented.

"If you came here to make jokes, you can go." I grunted at him.

"I'm trying to figure out what you were thinking. What did you expect was going to happen if you professed your love and attacked her boyfriend- she jumps into your arms and Ethan kicks your ass?"

"It would be worth it." I snorted.

"That's fucked up man." Bilal shook his head.

"You have no room to talk. Did you forget sleeping with Rocky at the house she shares with her boyfriend?" I reminded him.

"At least I made sure he wasn't there." Bilal shrugged. When I made a move to stand up, he stopped me. "But in all seriousness, how well did that work out for me and Rocky?"

"She and Brandon broke up..." I said, plainly.

"And she had his kid." Bilal pointed out.

"That was your deal breaker. A kid wouldn't be a deal breaker for me." I told him.

He sighed and rubbed his temples. "We are getting off track. You know Lily better than I do. Let's say she did still love you and wanted to be with you; is she the type to cheat on her boyfriend? To drop him and get back together with you without a second thought?"

"No." I admitted grudgingly. When he gave me a smug look, I kicked my table out of frustration. "I just- what am I supposed to do? Give up? Watch them be together? Congratulate her when they get married and have kids? ?"

"You don't have to watch or congratulate her- but you have to move on."

"How do you move on from someone you're  meant to be with?" I question him. "I can't stop loving her."

"I'll tell you like my mom told me: if you were meant to be together, you would be together. You're not. If you love her like you say, you would want her to be happy. Did she look happy with you this weekend?"

I didn't answer. It was too painful to admit the truth. In my mind, I couldn't help picturing her screaming, crying and crumbling to the floor.

"You're ruining everything."

"No. No. No. No!"

"Leave."

Bilal took my silence as an answer and pulled out my vodka. Half a bottle later and I was still drunkly explaining about how perfect Lily was for me. I told him about how before I left for Wichita Falls for chemo, I discovered a wedding planner in the closet. I detailed how Lily wanted to get married on New Year's Eve and wanted me to wear flannel and eat the same food we cooked together before we officially became a couple.

"I should have married her. I should have told her about the cancer and fucking married her so even if I died we would have been together. No matter what I would be her husband forever." I rambled.

"Maybe... Or you would have beat cancer like you did and the shit that made you not tell her would have torn you apart." Bilal countered.

"What shit?" I slurred, pissed.

"I don't know. Don't romanticize your relationship now that it's over."

"It's over." I repeated. "It's over. It's over." I already did the damage, it couldn't be undone. That sobered me up as my eyes watered.

I grabbed my phone and Bilal tried to grab it from me.

"Whatever your doing, stop." He ordered me.

"I'm just letting her know that I know it's over." I said as I typed out the text. "See."

Me: I'm sry I wont bother you again I know its over

I showed Bilal and he nodded his approval. I sent it, and one more text.

Me: I will always lava you Lilypad.

"Give me your phone." Bilal demanded.

I showed Bilal my phone as I blocked then deleted her number. I removed her from all my social media accounts. I told her how I felt and was now going to give her what she wanted. I would leave. Permanently.

"Email? Skype? Whatsapp?" Bilal question me.

The only thing I had was her email. I deleted that too as unshed tears burnt my eyes.

"I promise, it gets better." Bilal stated, pouring more shots.

I drank it down quickly. "When did it get better for you? With Rocky? How long did it take?"

He didn't reply: just poured himself and me another shot.