How to Love

"You see you had a lot of crooks trying to steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love, how to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in this corner trying put it together
How to love, how to love" How to Love by Lil Wayne

Tuesday morning, I woke up and changed into gray running tights and a matching workout tank. I paired them with my light blue and grey Nike's and put my hair back in a sleek ponytail. I normally don't take this much time and effort to get ready for the gym, but considering it was my first class at Richard's gym, I wanted to look nice.

Sammy and Amanda were meeting us there too. They were trying to be workout buddies to motivate each other to go. When I mentioned to Sammy why I was trying a new class at a new gym, she asked if they get tag along. The guy at the front desk had no problem letting Sammy, Amanda and me in on a buddy pass, but he did give us a 10 minutes high pressure sales spiel that almost made us late for kickboxing class.

The class wasn't that bad. It was more like 30 minutes of cardio with kickboxing incorporated. It got my heart racing, but I missed the intensity and real boxing training that Diego's class offered. I complained about having to give up the class because of Dino.

"You don't have to give it up. Just ignore her." Sammy suggested as we walked around and checked out the gym. Amanda and Sammy were considering getting a membership.

"Or play I Hit It First on repeat when you see her." Richard added as we walked towards the back of the gym.

"Shut up." I groaned, with a little smile.

"What?" Amanda asked before Richard explained how I went off about Dino to him.

"Technically, I hit it first." Sammy taunted with a broad smile.

"She's got a point." Richard said as he pointed out the women's locker room.

"No... Ray J wasn't the first to sleep with Kim Kardashian. He put her on. Kinda like I did with Jake." I argued, playfully.

"Oh. I see. So you're the Christopher Columbus of dick? Discovering shit that's always been there?" Sammy smirked at me. Richard and Amanda cracked up laughing.

"Exactly." I laughed too.

Once the girls checked out the locker rooms, they went ahead and committed to a membership. When Amanda mentioned her job's fitness facility only charged $10 a month, I asked why she didn't just work out there. She told me she tried, but she hated running into people.

I didn't really get it; Richard's gym probably had more people than her company's gym. I was going to point that out, but Sammy shook her head at me to drop it. I did and when we left, we had enough time to grab a quick bite to eat at a cafe before I had to be at work. After we sat and ordered, Richard invited us to his birthday get together.

"You're coming Amanda." Sammy told her before she could even respond. They shared a few meaningful glances before Amanda nodded her head in agreement. I smiled, wistfully, glad they were close enough to have silent communications but also missing that connection I had with my best friends. Sammy and I were working on our friendship and I've been giving Rocky her space since she had Ace. With whatever going on with Rocky and Forrest, it strained my relationship with him trying to be neutral. Talking to Amber was hard because I felt like everything I told her, she would tell her friend Mia who I didn't trust. Staci and I were good friends, but not that close yet. And Trevor, we weren't even friends anymore.

"Let me know if you wanna bring your 1st string guy to my birthday." Richard winked at me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I shook my head. "Nope, just me. He's officially off the team."

"Who?" Sammy asked, confused.

"Uriel. We're not seeing each other anymore." I told her.

"What happened?" Sammy questioned me.

"Nothing major. It just took me three dates to realize he's everything I don't want in a relationship, so I ended it." I informed them.

"Everything you don't want?" Amanda reiterated. "It took 3 dates to learn that?"

"Actually, it was probably after date number one but stupid me stretched it out to three." I joked, truthfully.

"Yep. Great sex will do that. It's the preserver of shitty relationships that should have ended a long time ago." Richard commented.

I nodded in agreement. I definitely had a bad habit of thinking sex was the equivalent to love and affection. I was trying to break it, so I made the promise to myself not to have sex unless I was in a committed relationship.

"I must really be in love because I can't remember the last time I had great sex." Sammy blurted out.

I looked over at her, wide eyed.

"Wait, yes I can. When we got back together. He skipped school and work that day and we spent the whole day getting it in. Now, I'm lucky if I can get a two licks and a quickie once a week." Sammy over shared.

I choked on my eggs while Richard  laughed.

"Corey works and goes to school full time. I don't know how he does it." Amanda defended him.

"By neglecting his girlfriend." Sammy snorted.

"Maybe you should start scheduling time together. Like put it on his phone calender." Amanda suggested.

"Right... Reminder: eat your girlfriend out until she cums. How romantic." Sammy said sarcastically.

"Maybe don't schedule it but text him describing what you want him to do to you." I encouraged her.

"That would work for me." Richard agreed.

"I might try that." Sammy said, pulling out her phone.

"God, not while we eat!" Amanda stopped her.

"I know right? Wait to you get home." I made a face at her.

"I'm checking my messages, prudes."

"We're prudes because we don't think breakfast and cunnilingus go together?" Amanda questioned her.

"Breakfast and head?" Richard and Sammy said in unison. They looked at each other in surprise before we all started laughing.

After I left them, I rushed and barley made it to work on time. Dr. Clayton was actually on the floor and I waved at him before I headed to the team lead office. When I saw Dr. Fahri was there, I knew that was why Dr. Clayton wasn't holed up in the office.

"We have interns coming in next week. They're going to be on your team." Dr. Fahri informed me.

"The last group was on my team. Is there a reason the a.m. is not getting interns?" I asked, curiously. Last time my shift was shorthanded, so I understood the need for extra people. I didn't understand why this batch wasn't on the a.m. team.

Adil looked up at me, narrowing his eyes. "It would be nice to have support for my decisions, but at the end of the day, they're my decisions. That's the way I want it."

I stayed cool, holding my hands up in mock surrender. "You have my full support Dr. Fahri." I said, grabbing the tablet and making my way out the office. I figured I'd get ready in the huddle room and avoid his bad mood. I got my team briefed for the day and dismissed them from the huddle room when Adil joined me.

"I didn't mean to be abrupt earlier." He stated.

"That's fine. I was just curious, but like you said it's your decision; do what you feel is best."

He walked over to me and said in a low voice. "This stays between us: I think it's best that the interns are trained under you, that's why they are working in the evening."

I looked at him, cautiously. "Oh ok. Sure. Thank you for the vote of confidence."

He patted me on the shoulder before leaving for the day. I don't know how much was confidence in me or whatever rift was growing between him and Dr. Clayton, but I knew I wanted no parts in it.

On my way home, I called Rocky to see what she was doing this weekend. I offered to take her and Ace out to dinner and if she wanted to invite Forrest, we could make it a double date. Or, I could babysit for her. When she told me she didn't feel like going out, I invited myself over with the promise of crab legs and beer. She quickly agreed and I told her I'd be over after I got off. I text Forrest the plan and he immediately agreed.

Thursday was my date with Ethan. I came home, excited instead of anxious like I was on our first date. Picking out my outfit was a breeze: I chose a navy blue ruched v-neck blouse and a black a-line skirt that fell a little above my knee. I had a section of my hair pulled back with a hair clip, did my make-up light and wore my sneaker heels. I was putting on a pink lip gloss when the door bell rang. A smile formed on my face as I went to answer it.

"Hi." I said, my smile widen as I looked him over in a short sleeve black print dress shirt and grey slacks. "I love your shirt." I complimented the shirt that displayed his broad chest and defined biceps.

"Thank you." He said, looking me over as well, before staring at my heels. "Are you ok to walk in those?" He stated, concerned..

"Yeah. I'm good. Thanks for asking." I said, disappointed in his reaction, my smile fading off my face.

"They look great on you. The only reason I ask is because we're going dancing tonight, not just dinner. I want to make sure you'll be comfortable."" He explained.

"Oh, these are super comfortable." My disappointment was replaced with excitement. "We're going dancing? You hate dancing!"

"I never said I hated dancing." He defended himself as he took my arm and linked it through his as he led me to his truck.

"Every time we've danced I had to beg you or your dad made you! That's not hate?" I asked, as I sat down in the seat.

"No. It's discomfort at doing something I'm not great at." He replied, closing the door. I reached over and popped open his door before putting my seat belt on. I let him get in and buckled up before I continued.

"If it's going to make you uncomfortable, why are we going?"

"Because you like to dance and practice makes perfect." He said simply before we took off, my smile returning to my face.

I don't know if practice made perfect, but I definitely had a great time learning swing out dancing at a jazz club in Dallas. When we walked into the club, the dance floor was split into a group of men on one side and the women straight across on the other side. The instructor, Mrs. Diane, was in the middle with a microphone, walking everyone through the steps. I never seen or done swing out before, so Ethan and I had the same level of discomfort as we watched for a moment. We eventually joined in, splitting up and joining our respective groups.

For the first 15 minutes, I was completely lost. I followed along and imitated the steps the best I could. I slowly picked up the repetitive steps and once I got it down, I looked over at Ethan. He was struggling to keep up, but I couldn't help but smile at his effort. When everyone partnered up, it took everything in me not to grin at Ethan's awful attempt to lead us.

We must have looked as bad as I thought, because Mrs. Diane cut in to dance with Ethan. I would have been offended, if she didn't make him twice as bad. I was literally biting my lip to keep from laughing. When she instructed him to look at her and not his feet, his eyes found mine briefly. I couldn't help grinning at the pure look of exasperation on his face. He relaxed with a small smile as I approached them to cut back in. When she relinquished him back to me, he whispered in my ear,

"If she singles me out again, we're leaving."

I giggled. "No quitting Ethan. This is just our first lesson. Practice makes perfect, remember?"

"We can keep practicing, but you lead." He conceded.

"Will do."
  

Once I led, we did so much better. We had all the steps down and Ethan was able to watch me and not his feet. Mrs. Diane said we had the steps, but not the moves and instructed us to feel the music more. I ignored her because clearly she was being a hater. To avoid waiting for a table after the swing out hour ended, we decided to do the tapas menu at the bar.

The bartender came to take our order and I raised my eyebrows when Ethan ordered a bourbon neat.

"I earned it after that." He nodded to the dance floor.

"Next time, we should drink first." I giggled and ordered white wine.

"Next time?"

"Oh yeah. I plan on proving to Mrs. Diane that I have the moves."

"Whatever that meant, I'm sure she was talking about me. You were amazing." He complimented me.

"Thank you." I smiled as the bartender returned with our drinks and to take our food order. We decided to share fried ravioli, bacon wrapped scallops, chicken crostini, and tempura asparagus. Once the bartender left to put in our order, Ethan questioned me, "Did you take dance lessons as a kid?"

"No never." I shook my head. "I loved music growing up, so I watched music videos and practiced in the mirror, but that's about it. Oh, I did take a week of  Zumba classes with my aunt Patricia. Then she asked me to translate a dirty reggaeton song they were playing and we stopped going." I laughed and he smiled at me.

"That's your maternal aunt?" Ethan asked me.

"Yeah." I said, sipping on my wine.

"It sounds like you two got close while you were in California."

"We were. I lived with her for a little while." I nodded, thinking about how she taught me to cook and how I looked up to her as a mother figure I never had. The sting of rejection I felt when she compared me to my mother threatened to rear it's ugly head.

"Were? You're not close anymore?" Ethan picked up on my distress.

"No." I took a gulp of wine. "Talking about my complicated family relationships is definitely not second date material." I lectured him.

"My apologizes. What is second date conversation?"

"Still getting to know you basics, just deeper. Like strengths, weakness, short and long term plans. I know one of your weakness is dance, so what's the rest?" I teased him.

He shook his head but gave me a slight smile. "Our next date is going to be something you're weak at so I can rub it in."

"Good luck finding something I'm weak at."

"Good thing this is our second date. That's what we're supposed to talk about." He countered.

"You first." I smiled at him.

Over dinner, he revealed to me his strengths of being a hard worker and critical thinker. I added patience and self awareness to his list. I told him what I thought my strengths were: loyalty and openmindedness. He added warmth and kindness. When he asked about my weaknesses, I lied and said I had no idea what my weaknesses were.

"That's ok. I have a feeling we'll find out on Saturday if you're free." He predicted.

"I may be free. What did you have in mind?"

"I'm not telling you. I don't want you trying to practice beforehand."

"Really Ethan?" I laughed. "You think I would do that?"

"I know you will. All I'm going to tell you is to dress comfortably, maybe tennis shoes."

"Tennis shoes? So something athletic? Basketball? Because I've been working on my shots, I can beat you now." I bragged, lying.

"I'm not telling you."

"You don't have to because I know it's fishing. I'm great at that too. I caught like a 30 pound catfish."

"30 pounds? Where did you catch a 30 pound catfish?" He smirked and put his fork down.

"My little spot in California. Only the pros go there. It's super secret and hidden and it takes a day hike to get there. Speaking of hiking, I'm great at that too. I wore a fitbit for like a month!"

He chuckled. "A whole month huh? Nice. I'm guessing that was a short term goal."

"Honestly, it was: focusing on my mental, physical and emotional health. What are about yours?"

"Get out of my head a little bit, live life for the moment, try new things." He responded.

I nodded understandably. "Long term?"

"I always thought about going into business for myself, but I won't take that risk until EJ is older. That's my main goal; supporting him; getting him prepared for life."

"You're doing an excellent job." I said, sincerely.

"Thank you. What are you're long term goals?"

I smiled, shyly and said, "Pay off my mortgage."

"And?"

I shrugged. "That's all I got right now."

"That's a good start."

We ordered tangerine creme brulee for dessert and shared it as a cover band came out and started playing old and new R&B songs. When they started to perform an Earth Wind and Fire song, Ethan nodded to them.

"My mom and dad would play old school music all throughout the house Saturday mornings. Earth Wind and Fire is my dad's favorite; to this day, their music irritates me."

I laughed. "That's awesome. I would have loved to wake up to music everyday. My dad felt like if he could hear the music outside my room, it was too loud."

"It wasn't awesome when Saturday was the only day I could sleep in and my dad would be serenading my mom."

"And that's why you only listen to Jazz- no lyrics to sing to." I stated dramatically.

"That's exactly right." His lips quirked into a little smile.

I grinned up at him. "I change my mind, that's my long term goal. Waking my kids up on the weekend, serenading my husband with my favorite songs."

 "I can see that." He said, simply, the soft look he gave me made me flush all over my body.

"Do you want to dance? No swing dancing- a slow dance. And I promise no singing." I bartered.

He looked around. "I want to. I'm making sure Ms. Diane is nowhere in sight to critique me."

"I won't let her- I got you." I winked at him before putting my hand over his. He stood up, taking my hand in his and leading me to the dance floor.

Once we found an empty little spot, we wrapped our arms around each other. Being in his embrace as we swayed to the music made me feel giddy and content. After the song ended, the band started playing All of Me by John Legend.

"One more? I love this song." I held Ethan to me. I was definitely exaggerating my love of the song. It was a great song, but I really wanted to be close to him a little while longer.

"John Legend right?" He asked.

"Yep. He's amazing." I looked up at him.

Ethan nodded and held me even closer. I stared at him, feeling the heat radiating from his body as his brown eyes bore into mine. It both excited and comforted me and my lips tingled with desire to kiss him. I turned my face away and closed my eyes, pushing that desire away in favor of just enjoying being in his arms. After the song ended, the band pace picked up so I pulled away from him.

"We better get out of here before Mrs. Diane catches us and makes us practice our moves." I joked, grabbing his hand.

"I'm right behind you." He said, squeezing my hand in return.

Our hands remained locked as we walked back to the table, paid the bill and left. After we open the door for each other and got in, he grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. When we got to my house, he walked me to the door and I let go of his hand to hug him tightly.

"I had a great time tonight. Thank you." I shriveled with arousal as he carressed my back.

"Me too. Thank you for coming out with me." He said against my ear. His warm breath and embrace had my whole body responding and I knew I was getting to the point were I wouldn't be able to push my desires away.

"Anytime." I said, stepping out of his arms and a safe distance away. "What time should I be ready for bowling on Saturday?"

"I'm not telling you what we're doing, but I'll pick you up around 10."

I smiled. "Ok. Get home safe."

"I will. Goodnight Lily."

Friday morning I begrudgingly went to my reschedule appointment with Dr. Pereira. While I felt confident in the choices I made the last week, I hated the feeling that I was regressing. Regressing so bad, she wanted to see me every week again. But I sucked it up; if I needed the extra help, I needed it. The first thing Dr. Periera asked me was how I was feeling. I told her about my decision to end things with Uriel.

"What led you to that decision?" She asked me.

"The lack of boundaries and disrespect, the superior attitude and arrogance, his dominating personality: We weren't compatible at all."

"Why do you think you were attracted to him in the first place?"

"Besides physical attraction, he was familiar. He was basically all my exes rolled up together. I think I believed that's just how a man loves a woman but I don't want that."

"You were taught that's how a man loves a woman: With your relationship with your dad and to some extent, your brother too." She added.

Lack of boundaries, dominating and superiority? My dad and brother checked all three. While they both were working on it for me, it didn't change how I was raised and what ideas it formed in my head about how relationships work. I nodded in agreement.

"You know how you don't want to be loved: Have you decided how you want to be loved?" She continued.

"I want a partner, someone who sees me as his equal. I want someone who's patience and willing to go at my pace. Who's romantic and actually wants to date me and spend time with me. Someone who's passionate and tells me how much he loves and need me." I listed easily.

She gave me a smile. "Good. Now that you know how you want to be loved, never settle for less than that."

"I won't." I promised.

"You never answered how you were feeling. You said you felt uneasy last week. Are you still feeling that way?"

"No. I was feeling a little silly about regressing, but I'm ok now."

"Regressing? Why did you feel like you regressed?"

"You know, the setting boundaries and using sex for affection. That's the first thing I focused on and I thought I was fixed."

"You've address a behavior and are changing your habits. Don't look at it as a regression, look at it as an opportunity for improvement."

"I will. Ethan even mentioned he saw my growth so that's what I'm trying to do: constantly improve." I smiled to myself as I thought about Ethan and wondered what we were doing tomorrow for our date. When I caught myself daydreaming, I focused back on Dr. Periera, giving her an apologetic smile.

"Anything else new with you?" She questioned.

I smiled again, biting my lip. "I'm still putting myself out there. Dating. I'm dating Ethan. We went on our second date last night." I then explained to her me finally giving in to go on a date with him at my barbecue.

"We're going slow, seeing if we have real feelings for each other." I finished.

"Do you have real feelings for him?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I'm having a good time figuring it out." I admitted.

"Nothing wrong with that. Just remember: Honesty, communication and-"

"Boundaries." I finished for her and she nodded.

Our time was up so I got ready to leave.

"Next week, call me if you want to keep your appointment. If not, I'll see you in three weeks." She said, closing her notes.

"Three weeks? You don't want to see me every week?"

"I don't think it necessary, but that's your choice Lily."

"I agree... And I'll see you in 3 weeks." I told her with a smile.

My Friday went by fast. On my lunch, Forrest texted me for the address to the crab place so he could pick up dinner after he got off work. I told him that it was far out, but he insisted.  I also told him if I couldn't get Rocky to go out with him and let me babysit Ace, I would get a case of food poisoning and make it an early night. He responded thanking me.

After I got off work, I stopped by the convenience store to pick up beer. I called Forrest to see if we needed anything, but he didn't answer. I called Rocky next and got no answer. While I was pulling up to Rocky's house, Forrest called me back. I ignored it and let myself inside to talk to him.

The smell of spicy crab legs greeted me in the kicthen and made my stomach growl. I set the beer down on the counter before heading to find Rocky and Forrest so we could eat. My appetite disappeared when I saw Rocky curled up on the couch, tear stains on her face.

"What's wrong? Where's Forrest and Ace?" I rushed over to her, alarmed.

"Ace is sleep. Forrest is gone. We broke up." She replied, monotone.

I sat on the floor in front of her, stunned.