Same Ol' Mistakes

"Feel like a brand new person, (But you'll make the same old mistakes)
Well I don't care I'm in love, (Stop before it's too late I know)
Feel like a brand new person, (But you'll make the same old mistakes)
So how do I know when it's right? (You don't have what it takes)
Stop before it's too late"

Same Ol' Mistake by Rihanna

"About time you got home! I need your long ass arms." Sammy called to me when I returned from grocery shopping.

I set my bags on the kitchen floor before walking to the counter height kitchen table she was working at. I left Justine in Sammy's care while I finished up a few errands I had to do before going back to work. She was also setting up for her next Honey Bee video. She already moved my kitchen appliances off the open shelves behind the table and replaced them with bottles of alcohol so that it looked like a makeshift bar. Currently, she was kneeling on a bar chair, struggling to hang dangling hearts from the ceiling.

"It's my last day of vacation; Didn't you think that maybe I just wanted to chill?" I complained, rubbing Justine as she jumped excitedly on my legs. We had a few more days of antibiotics and her follow up appointment with her vet Friday morning, but she was back to her normal fun loving self.

"Wasn't your ass just on vacation? You had enough chill time." Sammy questioned me back.

I ignored her, starting to empty out my bags on the table she was trying to decorate.

"Fine. I'll put your shit up, you put my shit up." She bargained, hopping down from the chair.

"Done." I agreed. While she started to put the groceries away, I headed to the garage. After I retrieved my step ladder, I came back to the kitchen.

"You bitch." she complained. I chuckled as I climbed up the ladder and hung the dangling hearts. When I was finished, I joined Sammy putting food away.

"Who's all is coming over for the video today?" I asked.

"Rose and Calle are the honey bees in this video. Amanda is coming over after she gets off from work to film." Sammy answered.

"Amanda filmed the first one?" I didn't know Sammy and Amanda talked to one another- much less filmed videos in my kitchen together while I was away.

"Yeah, Trevor said she would be able to help me out. He was right." She paused to watch my reaction.

I tried to have none. "Oh. Ok. Cool. I'll be back. I'm gonna brush Justine's teeth."

My errands on my to do list included a stop at a pet store. They had a huge section of Veterinary Oral Health Council approved food, chew toys and rinses. I wanted to wait until I talked to my vet before I bought any of those, but I did pick up a tooth brush, tooth paste and dental wipes that I was eager to try out on Justine.

I took Justine to my room and brushed my teeth, trying to give her an demonstration to what I would do to her. I squeezed some chicken flavored tooth paste on a brush and tried to brush her teeth. She took off before I could even get her to taste the tooth paste- she was not letting anything close to her mouth. After several attempts, I gave up and tried the dental wipes- she growled at me for touching her muzzle. I aborted my mission, planning to speak to my vet about her behavior.

After changing into joggers and a tank top, I rejoined Sammy in the kitchen. Amanda already arrived and I greeted her with a hug. They were adjusting the lights, setting up the drink ingredients on the table, and positioning the cameras.

"I didn't know you were into filming and stuff." I commented to Amanda.

"I'm not really. I use to do it alot with Paul." Amanda shrugged.

"Who's Paul?" I asked.

"My ex." she mumbled almost incoherently. I nodded in understanding and left it alone.

"Y'all made sex tapes?" Sammy asked, clearly not sensing her discomfort.

"No!" Amanda exclaimed, blushing. "He made videos online of his game play. I used to help him."

"That sounds lame- stick with the sex tape story." Sammy instructed her. Amanda blushed harder. The doorbell rang and Sammy stood to answer it.

"She likes to say things for shock value- just ignore her." I told Amanda, reassuringly. Amanda just shrugged again.

Calle and Sammy joined us in the kitchen. Calle looked gorgeous in a red bustier top and black short shorts. Rose arrived a little after her. She wore a dark red blouse that matched with her hair and black slacks. Sammy got to work touching up their hair and makeup and I let Justine outside to play when they started filming. I stood in the kitchen, watching them and Justine through the window until my phone beeped.

Sammy shot daggers at me with her eyes and I hurried to the living room, shooting her an apologetic look. I checked my phone and saw that Christian sent me a text, asking me to give him a call. He left a message the night before saying he wanted to talk, but I had yet to response. I knew I would forgive him, I just didn't know how I felt about continuing whatever we were doing. The last thing on my to do list before going back to work was calling Christian back. I told myself I would call him after the girls left and continued to watch them work from the safety of my living room.

Rose and Calle made easy conversation about Valentine's Day as they prepared the drinks. Sammy fussed over every little thing, making sure they got the perfect video. Amanda only spoke when spoken to, and grudgingly at that. When the girls finished the video, Calle had to leave to go to work, but I ordered Thai food for the rest of us. Amanda was ready to go, but Sammy harassed her into finishing editing the film before she left. I persuaded her to take a break to eat with us when the food arrived.

While we were eating, Justine watched me waiting for me to share my food. It took all my willpower to refuse her. My phone rang again, distracting me from Justine's pitifully stare. Christian was calling again, but I ignored it. When I looked up, Sammy was watching me.

"What is everyone doing for Valentine's day?" Sammy asked, digging into her food.

"My girlfriend and I are going away this weekend. Not sure where, but I'm excited." Rose answered.

"That sounds fun." Sammy stated looking over at me, expectantly.

"What are you doing Sammy?" I asked, sarcastically. She knew I was single- what did she think I would do?

"I got tickets to the Gas Monkey for one of the bands Corey loves." Sammy waved me off. "What are you doing Lily?"

"I might call Ethan-" I started. When Sammy gave me a crazy look, I continued. "I promised EJ he could stay over so I figured this might be a good weekend. Staci has her daughter so I'll probably invite them to hang out too."

"So you and Staci are bff's now?" Sammy snorted.

"I offered to watch Amber's kids but they're going to be with their grandma. Since Staci didn't have any plans either, we said we'll do something together." I explained.

"So that's a yes?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's a she's cool and single while my other friends are married, pregnant or boo'd up. Do you have plans Amanda?" I turned to include her in the conversation.

"I have to work." Amanda said quickly.

"All day?" I asked.

"Pretty much." she said, focusing back on the laptop.

Ok...

After we got done eating, I began cleaning up. As I wiped down the table, my phone rang. I saw it was Christian again and let it go to voicemail.

"Alright, what's going on with you and Christian?" Sammy looked me over critically.

"What?" I frowned up at her.

"You haven't said anything about him and you're ignoring his calls. If you're dating him you can tell me-"

"I'm not! I don't even know if I want to keep talking to him." I relayed, frustrated.

"What happened?" she asked.

I broke down and explain to her what happened over the weekend, including our little disagreement about the jewelry he bought me and his attitude when I had to leave for Justine.

"I finally felt like we were in a good place- getting to know each other, going slow, but then he acts like a-

"A fuck boy?" Sammy supplied. Rose busted out laughing and Amanda snorted out a laugh too before she covered her mouth.

"Exactly. I'm trying to be 100% honest and open up to him- it's just makes me not even wanna try when he acts like that." I confesses. I still planned on talking to Christian, but I had no idea what to say to him. Venting to Sammy, Rose and Amanda couldn't hurt- hopefully it'll help me get my thoughts together.

"So what really happened with Trevor?" Sammy continued to interrogate me.

I looked at her, wondering if she already knew. I sighed and told her the truth. "He saw the jewelry and assumed I'm with Christian."

"You get why he would think that- you thought the same way when Christian gave it to you." Sammy pointed out.

"I get that but then he offered to take the burden of Justine off my hands." I revealed.

"What?" Rose gasped in disbelief. Even Amanda looked up at me from her laptop.

"Yeah because if I'm dating Christian, my lifestyle has changed and she doesn't fit anymore." I confirmed.

"I'm sure he didn't mean that. He said he wanted to talk about y'all being friends again. That's why I left you two alone." Sammy revealed quickly.

I looked back at Amanda and Rose curiously. I knew what Sammy was doing: defending Trevor. Amanda just went through a break up and Rose was a complete outsider to the situation. I wanted their opinion. "What do y'all think?"

"To make it seem like you don't want Justine because you are dating is a low blow. That doesn't sound like he's trying to be a friend." Rose offered, in a disgusted tone.

"I know right? And I'm not even dating. If he would have just talked to me I would have told him that." I agreed, vehemently.

"He was just upset." Sammy continued to defend him. Rose looked at her surprised, but didn't say anything else. I turned to Amanda instead.

"He's upset because he thinks you're dating when he's dating too. Even if you were dating, he's being a hypocrite." Amanda added.

I froze momentarily, processing what she said. I breathed deeply as I felt a tightening in my chest.

"It's not that she's dating- it's just Christian." Sammy butted in, cutting her eyes at Amanda. Amanda quickly looked down at the laptop, guiltily. "And he's not seriously dating anyone-"

I cut her off, not wanting to hear anymore. "I understand why he would be hurt thinking something is going on between me and Christian. I'm just... I'm really trying to be honest with myself and everyone around me now. I can't deal with people who can't do the same." I said.

Sammy looked like she wanted to say something, but she left it alone. Rose left shortly afterwards. Amanda went back to her work. I watched her, asking her a few questions just so it wouldn't feel so awkward. I wasn't upset that she told me- although I could tell Sammy definitely was.

When Amanda finished, she sent Sammy the finished copy and split. Sammy stuck around a little longer, trying to comfort me and give me advice about Trevor but I barely listened. I knew Trevor would move on sooner or later- what I didn't understand is why it hurt so much. I couldn't get over the pain I felt over it.

"I'll talk to him-" Sammy continued.

"Please don't. I'm over it."

"I know that's not true."

"It is and I really don't want to get into this again. I need to get ready for work so I'll see you tomorrow ok?" I said walking her to the front door.

I had my doctor's appointment with Dr. Pereira. Sammy agreed to stay with Justine for me. She was going to stay the night, but I really needed some time to myself.

Thankfully, Sammy nodded and left. I grabbed the bottle of wine we had at dinner and poured myself a glass. I put on Rihanna's album and sat down, hoping the wine and music would put me in a better mood. It didn't. After I emptied the glass, I grabbed my phone, determined to try to figure out who Trevor was dating.

I obsessed over every post and picture on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat of all our mutual friends before my pride finally kicked in. Instead of obsessing over who he might be dating, I removed him from all my social media accounts. My grief turned into anger and disgust at myself. I didn't want to be with Trevor-I turned him down when he wanted to get back together! I shouldn't care if he was dating. I shouldn't care about him at all. I should be over this by now! Why wouldn't the feelings just go the fuck away? What was wrong with me?

I went into the kitchen, grabbed the remaining champagne from the video shoot and drank it straight from the bottle. I sat down on the floor with Justine, stroking her belly, urging myself not to cry. Crying accomplished nothing- neither did sitting on my ass drinking. I put the bottle down and started to do crunches instead. I was lying flat on my back, exhausted, when I heard my door bell ring.

I looked down at my phone. It was only 8pm but I had no idea who would be showing up at my house. I got up and dragged my feet to the door, peaking out the window to see who it was. I didn't want to turn on my porch light because I didn't want a psycho killer to know I was home. Would a killer ring the doorbell? What if they already saw me? I was debating what I should do when my phone beeped.

Christian: Are you home?

I opened the door, forgetting I engaged the alarm when Sammy left. Sure enough, Christian stood at my porch as my alarm bleeped loudly. "What are you doing here?" I asked him as I entered the security code to silence the alarm.

"I tried to call. Repeatedly. Is it okay if I come in?" He asked, looking me over warily.

"Yeah." I moved out the way quickly to let him in. "Why aren't you in California?" I interrogated him.

"I wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering my calls."

"I was going to call you back- I was just waiting for everyone to leave."

"Everyone?"

"Sammy, Amanda, Calle and Rose. They were shooting a video." I pointed over to the heart adorned kitchen.

"Okay..." he said, his gaze following my finger.

"You want some champagne?" I asked, picking up the bottle next to me. I shook it because it felt so light. Empty. Fuck.

"That's ok-"

"I can make something else. I have a bar now." I informed him walking towards the kitchen.

"I'm ok really-"

"I don't mind. I need another. I'm sure Sammy doesn't want me using her alcohol but that's what she gets." I tossed the empty bottle in the recycling bin.

"You go ahead." he called out me.

"Right." I said, filling a cup with water instead. I returned to the living room and flopped on the couch next to him. "Shoot." I said, pointing my fingers at him in a shooting motion.

He gave me a crooked smile before he started. "I'm sorry-"

"I know." I interrupted him, nodding.

"You do?"

"Yes. I got your gift. Even though Justine had surgery on her mouth and can't eat hard food or chew on toys, I got the message. I forgive you. I just don't know where we go from here." I explained.

"What do you mean?"

"I just have enough going on. I'm trying to work through 27 years of insecurities and self loathing and anger and....all this other shit. I can't add anymore to my plate. I don't wanna deal with a fuckboy." I said, exasperated.

Amusement flashed in his eyes. "I'm a fuckboy now?"

"Only a fuckboy would be mad I had to leave to check on Justine." I crossed my arms, getting pissed all over again.

He Iooked me straight in the eyes. "I wasn't mad about that."

"No? You sure acted like you were." I challenged him.

"I wasn't. I was... Frustrated. I felt like I was finally getting some time with you and Trevor called and you ran."

I blanched at the mention of his name. "For my dog!"

"I know but in my mind, it was the same thing all over again."

"What does that even mean?" I asked, truly confused.

"You not seeing anyone other than Trevor-"

"He doesn't matter! I'm done with him!!!" I exclaimed passionately. Christian just looked at me, skeptically, before I crushed my lips into his. I needed to prove it to him... And myself.

He didn't kiss me back so I pulled away slightly. I opened my eyes and he stared at me, his eyes widened in surprised. I ran my fingers through his short dark hair and leaned in close again. When I moistened my lips with the tip of my tongue, it grazed the entrance to his mouth. He groaned and I took that opportunity to slid my tongue in his mouth. I stroked my tongue against his, watching his eyes flutter close as he kissed me back.

I pressed my body against him and he gripped my waist in response. He slid his hands up my body until he was caressing the sides of my breasts. I waited to feel something-sparks, tingles, butterflies, fireworks, boom clap, anything. I felt nothing- nothing but emptiness. It took me back to being 15 again- desperate enough for affection that I was willing to do anything for it...

He pulled away abruptly and I looked up at him confused. I didn't even realize I was crying until he wiped my tears away.

"I'm sorry." I said, pulling away and cleaning my own face. "I'm ok." I tried to convince him as lean in back close to him.

"No. I'm sorry." he said, looking at me with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face. "I didn't come here for this- I came to talk."

I gulped and shook my head. "We don't have to talk. We're good. I'm good. Promise." I lied, running my hands over his jean covered legs.

He pushed my hands away. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"

My face burned with embarrassment as his rejection. "What's wrong is that I'm sick of everyone telling me what I am and what I'm not. I said I'm good and I don't wanna talk. If you don't get that, just go!" I snapped at him before I stormed to my room. I waited for Justine to join me before I slammed the door behind me. I angrily wiped the tears away as I laid down in bed.


I woke up a short time later with a throbbing headache only made worst by my alarm system blaring. I pushed the comforter of my body and stumbled out of bed. The memories of my evening pieced together even though I wished they didn't.

I was shocked to see the morning sun glaring through the windows and Christian at the front door toying with the keypad.

I quickly joined him, punching in the code to disengage it. "There. Now you can escape." I joked lightly even though I believed he was trying to sneak out. Hell, I would have ran the night before. I wondered why he stayed.

"I wasn't trying to leave. I came to talk to you. We didn't do much of that last night." he said, finally looking at me. His eyes looked tired, but not annoyed or pissed at me. After my performance last night, he had every right to be.  I flushed, not knowing which was worst: my failed attempt to seduce him or my reaction when he turned me down. I was pissed and annoyed with myself.

"I'm sorry. I had too much to drink." I said, ashamed.

"I figured. You tasted like it." he said, bluntly, causing my face to burn harder. He rubbed my shoulder. "We normally have our best conversations when you're drunk. Not sure what happened last night, but can we try again sober?"

I cleared my throat and nodded. "Yeah, but if you weren't leaving, what are you doing?"

"You friend Sammy- She came in and just left." Christian explained.

I groaned, thinking about what she must have assumed before I went back to my room to retrieve my phone.

"Everything ok?" Christian asked, joining me in my room.

I called Sammy 3 times. She ignored all three.

"No. She was supposed to watch Justine for me today, now she's not answering." I said truthfully.

"I can watch her." Christian answered.

"You don't have to. I can cancel my appointment and Amber or Rocky can watch her while I'm at work-"

"I have a red-eye tomorrow morning. I can crash and we can really talk when you get back." He told me.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. When's your appointment?"

"10." I sighed, knowing that I really needed to see Dr. Pereira now more than ever.

"Go. Get ready. No hard food or chew toys right?" Christian asked.

"Right..." I confirmed, trying to remember if I told him that or not.

"Got it. We'll be here when you get back."



"Lily... You're here early." Dr. Pereira greeted me as she let me in her office early.

"Yeah, I left my dog that just had surgery with the guy I threw myself at after finding out my ex is dating, so I figured I should get here right away." I blurted sarcastically.

She listened as I revealed everything that was going on. The first thing she asked me about was my trip. I spent majority of our time telling her about my falling out with Christian, explaining to her why I had to come back for Justine and my last failure of a conversation with Trevor.

"I get that he would be upset if I dated Christian. To some extent, I understand how he's acting because I used to do the same shit- jump to conclusion and act immaturely. I just wished he would have talked to me or at least asked me before assuming I was with Christian." I ranted.

"From what you've told me, making assumptions doesn't sound out of his character." She pointed out.

I breathed in deep before starting again. "I know. I guess I just wanted us to be... ok again. I've accepted that we aren't going to be together but a small part of me wish that we could be friends again. Even though he told me if we ever broke up that wouldn't happen, I guess I didn't want to believe that." I confessed.

"You should be able to have open communication with a friend. They should listen- you shouldn't feel the need to hide secrets, happenings or feelings with a friend. A friend will offer support and encouragement even when they disagree with you. Do you feel like you and Trevor can be true friends to one another?"

I looked away, deep in thought. We hadn't been true friends to each other for a long time now. I shook my head no.

"What about Christian?"

I scoffed. "I blew that. I just threw myself at him because Trevor is dating. How could I do that after what he just told me about me not seeing anyone pass Trevor? Why can't I see pass Trevor? Why do I care that he's dating? I want to move on from him. Instead, I'm trying to make myself feel better about him by having sex with Christian. Even though I know better, I keep making the same mistakes. What the fuck is wrong with me?" I asked, ashamed and confused. My eyes stayed dry, but I felt defeated inside. What was the good of therapy if I kept making the same mistakes over and over again?

"Do you remember what you told me when I asked you what you wanted to accomplish in therapy?" Dr. Pereira asked.

"Yeah... I wanted to get over my past and fix myself so I can have normal relationships. I feel like I've worked through my past issues; now how do I fix what's wrong with me? I'm constantly torn between what I want to do and what I know I should do."

She gave me a soft smile. "You're becoming more self aware Lily. When you understand your needs and desires and even your failings, you begin to understand why you do the things you do. Understanding those habits is the only way you can improve them. Habits become behavior- behavior becomes character. As long as you keep improving, eventually, it becomes a part of who you are."

I nodded my understanding as our time came to an end.

"That doesn't mean you won't feel inner conflict or make mistakes. The important part is having the self awareness to realize them. That's how you make the right choices and stop making the same mistakes."

I thought that over as she stood up."Ok."

"I think we can start seeing each other every other week." When I looked up at her, shocked, she continued. "I'm still here if you need more appointments, but I don't think you need to see me on a weekly bases. You're ready to start applying what you've learned." Dr. Pereira encouraged me.

"I can do that." I said, confidently. I was still ashamed of my actions, but I no longer beat myself up. I was ready to learn from my mistakes and correct them.

"Remember what I told you about relationships?" she asked me at the door.

I shook my head.

"Don't fixate on normal relationships- focus on healthy. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. You want relationships with people that have good communication, respect your boundaries, and support you. That's more important than what you perceive as normal."

"You're right and I will." I promised.