Try a Little Tenderness

"You've got to squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave
You've got to hold her and rub her softly
Try a little tenderness, ooh yeah yeah yeah
You've got to rub her gentle man, all you gotta do, no no
You've got to love her, squeeze her, don't tease her
Gotta try nah nah nah, try
Try a little tenderness, yeah, watch her groove
You've gotta to know what to do, man
Take this advice" Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding

***FLASHBACK***

College Years

I was in the closet, halfway through Jay Z's and Kayne's new joint album, when the doors yanked open. I specifically picked the hall closet in the apartment Trevor shared with Bilal and Donovan because no one used it. It contained the water heater, unused washer and dryer connections, and shelves that were filled with random junk. It also had just enough room for me to sit sideways, stretch my legs and close the folding doors. It was perfect for hiding out- the only way someone would find me was if they were looking. It took an extraordinary amount of effort to raise my droopy eyes to see who disrupted my solitude.

I looked up to see Christian mouthing something, but I didn't hear what he said.

"Huh?!?!" I exclaimed. He took an ear bud out of my ear.

"What are you doing in here?" Christian asked.

"What are you doing in here?" I rebutted, pausing my music, sounding drunk to my own ears.

Shit. Be cool Lily

"I need my charger for my laptop. It's about to die." Christian said, reaching above me to retrieve his backpack.

I smiled, hoping he would just get his bag and go. "Well you don't want that to happen. The party would suck without music."

"Are you coming back out or are you going to continue to hide in the closet?"

"I'm not hiding." I lied. I was so hiding from the stupid Valentine's party. I hated Valentine's day. I normally spent it avoiding going out at all cost and vegging out with comedy movies.  But, it was my last Valentine's day at Baylor and that's how Trevor talked me into it.

The guys threw a small get together in their off campus apartment. I made myself up in a pink short and backless dress. I swiped on a matching pink lipstick, curled my hair and came to the party determined to have a good time. I was doing well at first- the red punch Donovan mixed up had me feeling great. I spent my time chatting with Trevor and enjoying the music Christian was playing from the couch.

As the punch trickled down, someone decided it would be a good idea to go swimming. Everyone stripped down to their underwear and jumped in the pool. I wasn't doing that (even if I had decided to wear a bra in the backless dress) so I sat down, severely overdressed in my Pepto pink dress and watched. When everyone started to play chicken or make out, I escaped back to the apartment.

I didn't want to watch everyone couple up half naked in the pool nor did I want to be sitting in the apartment by myself like a loner when everyone came back. I thought about leaving, but I came with Tonya and Chelsea who were playing chicken with Trevor and Donovan. I was sober enough to know that walking back by myself was a bad idea. So I grabbed another cup of punch, my phone and headed for the closet. I thought I could just slip back out unnoticed once I heard everyone return, but I was wrong.

Christian raised an eyebrow at me. "So what are you doing if you're not hiding?"

I said the first thing that came into my mind. "Channeling R. Kelly."

Thankfully, Christian face broke out in a smile. "Trapped in the Closet..." he sang to me.

I beamed, excited that he caught on. "I love that song-it was so funny. The singing confrontations? The different voices? The midget?"

Christian shook his head. "I forgot about the midget."

"Have you ever watched Trapped in the Closet while trapped in a closet?" I grinned.

"Never." he said, his smile widen as I motioned for him to join me. He came inside as I got on my knees to shut the doors behind him. He sat on the floor then watched me, clearly amused as I struggled to sit back down. The short length and snug fit of the dress on my thighs made it impossible to cross my legs in the space without flashing him. He placed my legs over his lap, saving me the trouble. I got comfortable and pulled up the videos on YouTube.

"Prepare to be amazed." I said before pressing play. By the end, we were both cracking up laughing.

"R. Kelly is a musical mastermind." Christian declared.

I giggled. "I know right? Much better than the music you were playing." I complained, jokingly.

When he frowned, clearly offended, I quickly added. "I'm just kidding. You're mix was really good."

"I created some of my own beats- it's amateur mixing. It's cool if you don't like it." He claimed, but his face said differently. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"I do like it. Really. I'm just hanging out in here 'cause I didn't want to get half naked and I don't have anyone to hook up with." I blurted, than blushed for sounding so pathetic. "I loved how you did You're the One. The beat change was so sexy." I added quickly.

His smile returned. "The beat was made from a girl orgasming."

"What? How?" I sputtered, while my face blazed.

"I slowed it down and chopped it into a beat. Kinda like how Kanye uses vocals." Christian revealed.

"That's genius! I love Kanye. I was just listening to Watch the Throne."

"Great Album." he nodded.

"What's your favorite song?"

"Otis. The Otis Redding sample reminded me of The College Dropout" Christian answered.

"Who's Otis Redding?"

"The guy singing the intro." he pulled out his phone. "I'll play some of his stuff for you."

"Ok."

He played a couple of R&B songs- soulful ballads.

"Soooo sloooow." I leaned my head against his shoulder and took another sip of my drink.

"Yeah, kinda fits into this whole romantic Valentine's mood I'm trying to set here."

I scoffed. Stupid holiday. There was nothing fucking romantic about Valentine's day. It sucked. When I realized I was sneering to myself, I hid my bad thoughts with a fake smile.

"Watch the Throne would fit the mood. Think about it- Kanye and Jay Z are amazingly talented on their own but are able to come together and make magic. That's the kind of relationship I want."

"You think Trevor would get that?"

"Who fucking cares?" I said, bitterly as I gulped down my drink. He wouldn't get anything about a committed relationship.

"It's his party. Gotta play to the crowd." Christian clarified, causing me to blush.

"All he and the crowd are concerned with is hooking up. I think that mood is set with this punch: no music necessary." I supported my defensiveness.

"And how many cups have you had?" he grinned.

"Enough to be hiding in a closet." I grinned too. "Shouldn't you be getting back to the party?"

"Apparently they don't need the music remember?"

I sipped my drink, stalling to come up with an answer.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?" he asked me, out of nowhere.

I blushed. Probably because I spent the last years obsessing over Trevor. I finally convinced myself to get over it- but I was constantly reminding myself staying just friends with Trevor was for the best. "Umm. No point I guess." I replied instead, noncommittally, gulping down the rest of my drink.

"What do you mean? Not a monogamous kinda girl?"

I coughed on the drink I was swallowing.

Right, I couldn't even get one date- much less multiple dates.

"I mean, why settled down if I'm not looking to get married anytime soon?" I said, with fake bravo. He nodded in agreement, so I continued. "I graduate this year. My plans are to move to Dallas for grad school then back to California after that. Doesn't make sense to try to fit a boyfriend into the plans. Besides, the guy I like doesn't wanna fit anyway-" I cut myself off, my face burning up. How many times was I going to embrass myself in front of Christian.

There was a long awkward pause until he finally spoke again.

"So what are you going to grad school for?" Christian asked, breaking the silence.

"Physical therapy." I said, thankful for a subject change.

"Nice. You're from California right?"

"West coast is the best coast." I confirmed with a valley girl accent and a little dance, knowing he was from New York.

"Fuck outta here!" he said, in a heavy accent that made me laugh.

"Are you moving back to New York after you graduate?"

"Probably. I don't know what I'm doing honestly."

"Making music?"

"Making music doesn't pay bills unless you're successful."

"So? Being a barista pays bills. You can do that and make music."

"My mom will be so proud of me- took out student loans for me to be a barista."

"Fine. Take your degree, and manage a coffee shop. Then you can play your music there- like cool music, not the boring shit they normally play. Like something to wake you up! Make beats with like a rooster... No, coffee sounds!"

"Coffee sounds?"

"Yes! Grinding beans, the drip sound, that ahhh sound you make when you sip it. If you can use an orgasm, you can use that ahhh sound right?"

"I don't know. Do it again and I'll record it and see." he said, holding out his phone.

"No way!" I gasped.

"C'mon..." he said, holding the phone to my lips.

I pressed my lips closed to keep from laughing in his phone.

He played the recording of me saying "No way" back to me. "That's gonna be the beat then. Imma name it Closet Chronicles."

I covered my mouth with my hand and pushed the closet doors open. I was scrambling to get away from Christian as he laughed.

"What are you doing in the closet?" I turned around to see Trevor coming out of his room with a handful of towels. He dropped them when he saw me struggling and came to help me up. Once I was up, he held onto my arm to keep me steady and looked in Christian's direction towards the closet. I took that opportunity to sneak a quick glance over him like I always did. His wet curls were slicked back over his head and a damp shirt clung to his lean torso deliciously.

"What were y'all doing?" Trevor demanded. I looked at his face, ready to explain but his blue eyes were laser focused on me- rendering me unable to form the words.

"Recording Closet Chronicles. Thanks Lily" Christian answered dryly.

"You better not!" I pointed my finger at him as he stood up effortlessly.

Trevor's grip tightened on my arm. "What did you record?" he demanded.

"Nothing. He said he's going to use my voice as a beat but he's not!"

"I won't." Christian promised, slinging his bag over his back. A hard glare was on his face as he looked at Trevor and me. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

Was he upset about not being able to use my voice? I thought he was joking.

"What were y'all doing in there?" Trevor repeated so I turned to him.

"We were watching Trapped in the Closet. It's like a hip hopera. I'll show you later." I promised Trevor.

"Why aren't you outside with us?" Trevor asked.

"Umm, because I didn't wanna drown or make out with anyone, so the apartment was the safest place." I replied.

"But the closet? You can go lay down in my room." he offered.

"I don't wanna cock block you by taking your bed." I countered.

"You're good. I'll be in there in a little bit." Trevor said.

I smiled at him, thrilled. "Ok." I turned to Christian and gave him a hug, hoping there was no hard feelings about the recording. "Goodnight. Play some Kanye for me when you go back outside."

"Only if you let me finish Closet Chronicles." He said, stepping away from me and my hug.

"You can, just not with me! Happy Valentine's day." I called over my shoulder as Trevor pulled me to his room.

He gave me a little wave in return.

***PRESENT DAY***

When I returned home from my appointment, the smell of pancakes hit me as I walked in kitchen.

"Hey." I said softly as I joined Christian at the table. Justine was eating away enthusiastically at her bowl. I looked over her head, trying to make out what she was eating.

"Hey. How was it?" Christian responded, looking up from his phone.

"It was good. What is she eating?"

"I made her eggs. You said soft foods only right?" Christian asked.

"Right. I haven't been giving her table food though. No wonder she didn't greet me at the door."

Christian offering me a plate of food. "I figured you needed pancakes."

"I'm not that hungover. I wish I was. It would make this talk a lot easier." I blabbed, nervously, building up my confidence. "Thank you. This looks great."

"Thank you for having a stocked kitchen. It's been a minute since I've been in one that's really used- not just a show room."

"Jennifer doesn't cook?"

"Her kitchen is where she leaves the takeout menus."

"You're welcomed here anytime. I don't even remember buying pancake mix." I said, placing a bite into my mouth.

"Box pancakes are trash. It's easy to make them from scratch."

I began after I swallowed. "Whatever. These may taste better but they are not as easy as just adding water."

"It's literally flour, baking powder, sugar, butter, milk and eggs."

"Well, I'm not fancy like you."

"This is fancy?"

"Do you see how excited my dog is for eggs?" I pointed at Justine. She was licking her bowl clean. We both smiled at her and I relaxed.

I continued to eat in silence until he spoke up again. "So..."

"So..." I said, placing my fork down.

"About last night-"

"I'm really sorry." I cut him off.

"You apologized already."

"For drinking and throwing myself at you; then getting mad when you rejected me. I need to apologize for lying."

"Lying about what?"

"About Trevor." he just stared at me so I continued quickly. "When he was here, we had a... I don't even know what to call it. I asked him to leave so we didn't get into a fight so I guess it was a misunderstanding."

"About?"

I decided the best approach would be to just get it all out in the open."You. He thought I was dating you. Again. Then he suggested that I didn't want Justine and offered to take her away. On top of that I found out he was dating. That inspired my behavior last night. I'm sorry for trying to use you to feel better about him. I wish I didn't care, but I still do right now. I wanna be over him, but I'm not. I'm so sorry." I repeated.

"Don't ever be sorry for being honest with me. Even when I don't want to hear it, I need to hear it, ya know." Christian said.

"I know. The reason I'm telling you all this is because I do want you as my friend. And I know I haven't been fair to you. I swear, I'm not this big of a mess. I'm working on it. I will be a true friend to you." I promised.

"Ok." he just nodded.

"Ok..." I repeated. I was unable to read the expression on his face, but just feeling the tension between us made me doubt being friends. It made me lose my appetite. I stood up and pushed my plate away. "I gotta get ready for work. I can leave Justine with Amber-"

"She's fine. My flight leaves in the morning-If you don't mind me crashing?"

"Of course not. Thank you Christian."



At work, I was so busy catching up I didn't have time to dwell on everything else going on. I called my daily group huddle and got caught up with everyone. Vince, one of the physical therapist on the night team, informed me this would be his last week by inviting everyone out for drinks Friday. I nodded, figuring he must have put his notice in with Dr. Clayton or Dr. Fahri before I went on vacation. When I spoke to Dr. Clayton before he left, he had no idea.

I spent the next hour in email jail, responding to request and updating schedules. I then found Vince's resignation notice, sent to me the day after I left for vacation. It wasn't even 2 weeks notice. I forwarded it to Dr. Fahri right away and gave him a call. When he didn't answer, I left a message. After checking on the clients and therapists, I went to the huddle board, going over next week's schedule minus Vince.

By the time I left for work, I was exhausted, but not really thrilled to go back home. I wasn't looking forward to another awkward exchange with Christian before he left and quite possibly never talked to me again. I sucked it up, comforting myself with the fact that at least I was being honest with him. What he did with it was his choice- I wasn't going to stress over something I couldn't control.

I came in through the garage and my hopes of friendship reignited at the aroma of cooked food in my house. You didn't cook for someone you were never going to speak to again right? I headed towards the kitchen, but froze when I saw a strange man, in a chef jacket, cooking in various pots and pans. There was also a string quartet setting up in the entry way to the front door.

"Christian?!?" I called out, alarmed. Justine came running from the dinning room and I meet her halfway, rubbing her down. I looked up when Christian approached from the dinning room as well. I gasped when I saw what he did to the room.

The table was set with a burgundy runner, fine white China with a gold trim, gold linens, and rose petals scattered across the table. I don't even know how he dimmed the lights, but that and tea lights candles gave the room a romantic, soft glow.

"What the hell is this?" I gasped.

"It's dinner. I want to show you and Justine fancy." Christian replied.

"But... We talked about this earlier. Being friends. This does not look like friendly dinner. Am I wrong?"

"You did a lot of talking. Think you can have dinner, relax and listen to me?" He said, not answering my question.

"Ok." I nodded, both reluctant and excited at the same time.

"Follow me." he said, leading me to the dinning room. I stopped when we got there, taking in the extravagance of the beautiful decor. I looked him over in his dark skinny jeans, black long sleeve shirt and black Yeezy Boost."I should go change. What do I change into?"

"Whatever you want." he smiled softly at me.

"Right. Ok. Be right back." I went into my room and took a quick shower. I examined my clothes in my closet- I couldn't pull of jeans and a shirt like Christian but a cocktail dress seemed like too much at home. I picked out a long sleeved knit black dress I had hanging up. I pulled my hair back in a bun before applying light makeup, and the jewelry Christian got me. The longest thing I debated were the shoes- it felt weird to wear them at home, but too strange to walk around barefoot with everyone else fully dressed so I slipped on gold flip flops.


I made my way back to the dining room where Christian was waiting. He stood up when I approached.

"You look beautiful." he sat, pulling out the chair across from him.

"This is beautiful!" I commented, sitting down. When he sat down too, the quartet started playing.

The chef appeared bringing over our appetizer of seared ahi tuna. He even brought Justine a portion as well.

"I can't believe people really do this. Like private chefs? This is crazy." I exclaimed.

"My mom was a personal chef." he reminded me.

"I know, but she worked for families not random dinner dates."

"There you go; Assuming this is a date." he said with a little smile.

"I'm gonna shut up and eat now." I muttered, concentrating on my food.

Everything was delicious. We shared a crab and basil stuffed lobster tail and a New York strip steak. Justine had ground beef and barley with rice and an assortment of fruits and vegetables. She ate with no problems. We shared a bottle of wine, but I stuck to my one glass that I didn't even finish. For dessert we sampled a trio of three different molten lava cakes.

"This was... I don't even have the words. More than incredible. I can't believe you did this for me. Thank you Christian." I looked at him amazed.

Christian looked me straight in the eyes. "I'm doing what I wished I would have done back in college."

"What's that?"

"Show you how I feel."

"Christian-"

"Let me finish. I liked you back then, I just knew you liked Trevor so I didn't pursue it. I get that you're still working through your feelings. I walked away back then-I'm saying let me be here for you now until you've moved on from him."

"I don't know when that'll happen Christian." I warned him.

"I get that. You've spent a lot of time and have a lot of memories with him. I don't expect it to happen overnight. I just want a chance to spend time with you; Maybe make some memories of our own."

Before I could respond, the chef joined us, asking if we needed anything else. Christian got up to walk him out, giving me a chance to think over what he said. I figured spending time with someone who was honest with me and appreciated me being honest back wouldn't hurt.

Christian walked over to the quartet. After he spoke to them, they began playing a new song. It took me awhile to recognize the song, but when I did I smiled at Christian."Try A Little Tenderness?"

He smiled back. "Good job." He sat down next to me instead of across from me.

"This is really not fair. Even if I wanted to say no to you, how can I to someone who makes me pancakes, hires a private chef and a quartet for dinner?"

"Do you want to say no to me?" he asked me.

I hid my smile, biting my lip. "No."

"Then let me show you how you deserve to be treated."

I stared at him, not believing I never acknowledge how handsome he was. Yeah, I've acknowledge his body, but his face was pretty amazing too.

"Did you know your eyes have a little green in them?" I asked, admiringly.

"Kinda sad you didn't know that before you kissed me the first time." He scolded me.

"No fair. I was drunk. It doesn't count."

He placed his hand on the side of my face, brushing his thumb against my lower lip. "Are you sober enough to make it count?"

I nodded, all of a sudden a little shy. "Completely."

He leaned in close to me, close enough so I could feel his breath on my lips. He paused, watching me and giving me chance to pull away. I suddenly felt overwhelmed- I was over thinking everything. Did I put my hand around his neck and smile to show him I was ready? Should I just move in the rest of the way? A few agonizing moments later, he made the decision for me by pressing his lips against mine, gently but firm. Just long enough to make me have to catch my breath afterwards.

"You have no idea how many times I fantasized about kissing you." he said, smiling against my lips. "Maybe more than kissing." he confessed.

"Can we keep it at kissing for now? Especially while the quartet is here?" I asked.

"You want me to get rid of them?"

"Is it time for them to go?"

He looked down at his phone. "We got about an hour."

"Think they know any Rihanna?"

"I doubt it, but you can ask."

They did and they played We Found Love as we retired to the living room. We enjoyed the last hour, seeing who could identify the song first. When I wasn't familiar with a song, he put it on a playlist for me to listen to later. After the hour was up, we stayed up talking until he had to leave for his flight. He told me he had to be back in LA for the Grammy's. I was so happy for him when he informed me a song he worked on was nominated. He played it off like he didn't contribute much to the song, but I told him how proud I was of him.

I walked him to the door when it was time for him to leave to catch his flight.

We didn't kiss goodbye, I just gave him an extra long hug and told him I would see him soon.

"It's early, but Happy Valentine's day." Christian said before he left.

"Happy Valentine's day." I told him back with a wave goodbye.

Same Ol' Mistakes

"Feel like a brand new person, (But you'll make the same old mistakes)
Well I don't care I'm in love, (Stop before it's too late I know)
Feel like a brand new person, (But you'll make the same old mistakes)
So how do I know when it's right? (You don't have what it takes)
Stop before it's too late"

Same Ol' Mistake by Rihanna

"About time you got home! I need your long ass arms." Sammy called to me when I returned from grocery shopping.

I set my bags on the kitchen floor before walking to the counter height kitchen table she was working at. I left Justine in Sammy's care while I finished up a few errands I had to do before going back to work. She was also setting up for her next Honey Bee video. She already moved my kitchen appliances off the open shelves behind the table and replaced them with bottles of alcohol so that it looked like a makeshift bar. Currently, she was kneeling on a bar chair, struggling to hang dangling hearts from the ceiling.

"It's my last day of vacation; Didn't you think that maybe I just wanted to chill?" I complained, rubbing Justine as she jumped excitedly on my legs. We had a few more days of antibiotics and her follow up appointment with her vet Friday morning, but she was back to her normal fun loving self.

"Wasn't your ass just on vacation? You had enough chill time." Sammy questioned me back.

I ignored her, starting to empty out my bags on the table she was trying to decorate.

"Fine. I'll put your shit up, you put my shit up." She bargained, hopping down from the chair.

"Done." I agreed. While she started to put the groceries away, I headed to the garage. After I retrieved my step ladder, I came back to the kitchen.

"You bitch." she complained. I chuckled as I climbed up the ladder and hung the dangling hearts. When I was finished, I joined Sammy putting food away.

"Who's all is coming over for the video today?" I asked.

"Rose and Calle are the honey bees in this video. Amanda is coming over after she gets off from work to film." Sammy answered.

"Amanda filmed the first one?" I didn't know Sammy and Amanda talked to one another- much less filmed videos in my kitchen together while I was away.

"Yeah, Trevor said she would be able to help me out. He was right." She paused to watch my reaction.

I tried to have none. "Oh. Ok. Cool. I'll be back. I'm gonna brush Justine's teeth."

My errands on my to do list included a stop at a pet store. They had a huge section of Veterinary Oral Health Council approved food, chew toys and rinses. I wanted to wait until I talked to my vet before I bought any of those, but I did pick up a tooth brush, tooth paste and dental wipes that I was eager to try out on Justine.

I took Justine to my room and brushed my teeth, trying to give her an demonstration to what I would do to her. I squeezed some chicken flavored tooth paste on a brush and tried to brush her teeth. She took off before I could even get her to taste the tooth paste- she was not letting anything close to her mouth. After several attempts, I gave up and tried the dental wipes- she growled at me for touching her muzzle. I aborted my mission, planning to speak to my vet about her behavior.

After changing into joggers and a tank top, I rejoined Sammy in the kitchen. Amanda already arrived and I greeted her with a hug. They were adjusting the lights, setting up the drink ingredients on the table, and positioning the cameras.

"I didn't know you were into filming and stuff." I commented to Amanda.

"I'm not really. I use to do it alot with Paul." Amanda shrugged.

"Who's Paul?" I asked.

"My ex." she mumbled almost incoherently. I nodded in understanding and left it alone.

"Y'all made sex tapes?" Sammy asked, clearly not sensing her discomfort.

"No!" Amanda exclaimed, blushing. "He made videos online of his game play. I used to help him."

"That sounds lame- stick with the sex tape story." Sammy instructed her. Amanda blushed harder. The doorbell rang and Sammy stood to answer it.

"She likes to say things for shock value- just ignore her." I told Amanda, reassuringly. Amanda just shrugged again.

Calle and Sammy joined us in the kitchen. Calle looked gorgeous in a red bustier top and black short shorts. Rose arrived a little after her. She wore a dark red blouse that matched with her hair and black slacks. Sammy got to work touching up their hair and makeup and I let Justine outside to play when they started filming. I stood in the kitchen, watching them and Justine through the window until my phone beeped.

Sammy shot daggers at me with her eyes and I hurried to the living room, shooting her an apologetic look. I checked my phone and saw that Christian sent me a text, asking me to give him a call. He left a message the night before saying he wanted to talk, but I had yet to response. I knew I would forgive him, I just didn't know how I felt about continuing whatever we were doing. The last thing on my to do list before going back to work was calling Christian back. I told myself I would call him after the girls left and continued to watch them work from the safety of my living room.

Rose and Calle made easy conversation about Valentine's Day as they prepared the drinks. Sammy fussed over every little thing, making sure they got the perfect video. Amanda only spoke when spoken to, and grudgingly at that. When the girls finished the video, Calle had to leave to go to work, but I ordered Thai food for the rest of us. Amanda was ready to go, but Sammy harassed her into finishing editing the film before she left. I persuaded her to take a break to eat with us when the food arrived.

While we were eating, Justine watched me waiting for me to share my food. It took all my willpower to refuse her. My phone rang again, distracting me from Justine's pitifully stare. Christian was calling again, but I ignored it. When I looked up, Sammy was watching me.

"What is everyone doing for Valentine's day?" Sammy asked, digging into her food.

"My girlfriend and I are going away this weekend. Not sure where, but I'm excited." Rose answered.

"That sounds fun." Sammy stated looking over at me, expectantly.

"What are you doing Sammy?" I asked, sarcastically. She knew I was single- what did she think I would do?

"I got tickets to the Gas Monkey for one of the bands Corey loves." Sammy waved me off. "What are you doing Lily?"

"I might call Ethan-" I started. When Sammy gave me a crazy look, I continued. "I promised EJ he could stay over so I figured this might be a good weekend. Staci has her daughter so I'll probably invite them to hang out too."

"So you and Staci are bff's now?" Sammy snorted.

"I offered to watch Amber's kids but they're going to be with their grandma. Since Staci didn't have any plans either, we said we'll do something together." I explained.

"So that's a yes?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's a she's cool and single while my other friends are married, pregnant or boo'd up. Do you have plans Amanda?" I turned to include her in the conversation.

"I have to work." Amanda said quickly.

"All day?" I asked.

"Pretty much." she said, focusing back on the laptop.

Ok...

After we got done eating, I began cleaning up. As I wiped down the table, my phone rang. I saw it was Christian again and let it go to voicemail.

"Alright, what's going on with you and Christian?" Sammy looked me over critically.

"What?" I frowned up at her.

"You haven't said anything about him and you're ignoring his calls. If you're dating him you can tell me-"

"I'm not! I don't even know if I want to keep talking to him." I relayed, frustrated.

"What happened?" she asked.

I broke down and explain to her what happened over the weekend, including our little disagreement about the jewelry he bought me and his attitude when I had to leave for Justine.

"I finally felt like we were in a good place- getting to know each other, going slow, but then he acts like a-

"A fuck boy?" Sammy supplied. Rose busted out laughing and Amanda snorted out a laugh too before she covered her mouth.

"Exactly. I'm trying to be 100% honest and open up to him- it's just makes me not even wanna try when he acts like that." I confesses. I still planned on talking to Christian, but I had no idea what to say to him. Venting to Sammy, Rose and Amanda couldn't hurt- hopefully it'll help me get my thoughts together.

"So what really happened with Trevor?" Sammy continued to interrogate me.

I looked at her, wondering if she already knew. I sighed and told her the truth. "He saw the jewelry and assumed I'm with Christian."

"You get why he would think that- you thought the same way when Christian gave it to you." Sammy pointed out.

"I get that but then he offered to take the burden of Justine off my hands." I revealed.

"What?" Rose gasped in disbelief. Even Amanda looked up at me from her laptop.

"Yeah because if I'm dating Christian, my lifestyle has changed and she doesn't fit anymore." I confirmed.

"I'm sure he didn't mean that. He said he wanted to talk about y'all being friends again. That's why I left you two alone." Sammy revealed quickly.

I looked back at Amanda and Rose curiously. I knew what Sammy was doing: defending Trevor. Amanda just went through a break up and Rose was a complete outsider to the situation. I wanted their opinion. "What do y'all think?"

"To make it seem like you don't want Justine because you are dating is a low blow. That doesn't sound like he's trying to be a friend." Rose offered, in a disgusted tone.

"I know right? And I'm not even dating. If he would have just talked to me I would have told him that." I agreed, vehemently.

"He was just upset." Sammy continued to defend him. Rose looked at her surprised, but didn't say anything else. I turned to Amanda instead.

"He's upset because he thinks you're dating when he's dating too. Even if you were dating, he's being a hypocrite." Amanda added.

I froze momentarily, processing what she said. I breathed deeply as I felt a tightening in my chest.

"It's not that she's dating- it's just Christian." Sammy butted in, cutting her eyes at Amanda. Amanda quickly looked down at the laptop, guiltily. "And he's not seriously dating anyone-"

I cut her off, not wanting to hear anymore. "I understand why he would be hurt thinking something is going on between me and Christian. I'm just... I'm really trying to be honest with myself and everyone around me now. I can't deal with people who can't do the same." I said.

Sammy looked like she wanted to say something, but she left it alone. Rose left shortly afterwards. Amanda went back to her work. I watched her, asking her a few questions just so it wouldn't feel so awkward. I wasn't upset that she told me- although I could tell Sammy definitely was.

When Amanda finished, she sent Sammy the finished copy and split. Sammy stuck around a little longer, trying to comfort me and give me advice about Trevor but I barely listened. I knew Trevor would move on sooner or later- what I didn't understand is why it hurt so much. I couldn't get over the pain I felt over it.

"I'll talk to him-" Sammy continued.

"Please don't. I'm over it."

"I know that's not true."

"It is and I really don't want to get into this again. I need to get ready for work so I'll see you tomorrow ok?" I said walking her to the front door.

I had my doctor's appointment with Dr. Pereira. Sammy agreed to stay with Justine for me. She was going to stay the night, but I really needed some time to myself.

Thankfully, Sammy nodded and left. I grabbed the bottle of wine we had at dinner and poured myself a glass. I put on Rihanna's album and sat down, hoping the wine and music would put me in a better mood. It didn't. After I emptied the glass, I grabbed my phone, determined to try to figure out who Trevor was dating.

I obsessed over every post and picture on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat of all our mutual friends before my pride finally kicked in. Instead of obsessing over who he might be dating, I removed him from all my social media accounts. My grief turned into anger and disgust at myself. I didn't want to be with Trevor-I turned him down when he wanted to get back together! I shouldn't care if he was dating. I shouldn't care about him at all. I should be over this by now! Why wouldn't the feelings just go the fuck away? What was wrong with me?

I went into the kitchen, grabbed the remaining champagne from the video shoot and drank it straight from the bottle. I sat down on the floor with Justine, stroking her belly, urging myself not to cry. Crying accomplished nothing- neither did sitting on my ass drinking. I put the bottle down and started to do crunches instead. I was lying flat on my back, exhausted, when I heard my door bell ring.

I looked down at my phone. It was only 8pm but I had no idea who would be showing up at my house. I got up and dragged my feet to the door, peaking out the window to see who it was. I didn't want to turn on my porch light because I didn't want a psycho killer to know I was home. Would a killer ring the doorbell? What if they already saw me? I was debating what I should do when my phone beeped.

Christian: Are you home?

I opened the door, forgetting I engaged the alarm when Sammy left. Sure enough, Christian stood at my porch as my alarm bleeped loudly. "What are you doing here?" I asked him as I entered the security code to silence the alarm.

"I tried to call. Repeatedly. Is it okay if I come in?" He asked, looking me over warily.

"Yeah." I moved out the way quickly to let him in. "Why aren't you in California?" I interrogated him.

"I wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering my calls."

"I was going to call you back- I was just waiting for everyone to leave."

"Everyone?"

"Sammy, Amanda, Calle and Rose. They were shooting a video." I pointed over to the heart adorned kitchen.

"Okay..." he said, his gaze following my finger.

"You want some champagne?" I asked, picking up the bottle next to me. I shook it because it felt so light. Empty. Fuck.

"That's ok-"

"I can make something else. I have a bar now." I informed him walking towards the kitchen.

"I'm ok really-"

"I don't mind. I need another. I'm sure Sammy doesn't want me using her alcohol but that's what she gets." I tossed the empty bottle in the recycling bin.

"You go ahead." he called out me.

"Right." I said, filling a cup with water instead. I returned to the living room and flopped on the couch next to him. "Shoot." I said, pointing my fingers at him in a shooting motion.

He gave me a crooked smile before he started. "I'm sorry-"

"I know." I interrupted him, nodding.

"You do?"

"Yes. I got your gift. Even though Justine had surgery on her mouth and can't eat hard food or chew on toys, I got the message. I forgive you. I just don't know where we go from here." I explained.

"What do you mean?"

"I just have enough going on. I'm trying to work through 27 years of insecurities and self loathing and anger and....all this other shit. I can't add anymore to my plate. I don't wanna deal with a fuckboy." I said, exasperated.

Amusement flashed in his eyes. "I'm a fuckboy now?"

"Only a fuckboy would be mad I had to leave to check on Justine." I crossed my arms, getting pissed all over again.

He Iooked me straight in the eyes. "I wasn't mad about that."

"No? You sure acted like you were." I challenged him.

"I wasn't. I was... Frustrated. I felt like I was finally getting some time with you and Trevor called and you ran."

I blanched at the mention of his name. "For my dog!"

"I know but in my mind, it was the same thing all over again."

"What does that even mean?" I asked, truly confused.

"You not seeing anyone other than Trevor-"

"He doesn't matter! I'm done with him!!!" I exclaimed passionately. Christian just looked at me, skeptically, before I crushed my lips into his. I needed to prove it to him... And myself.

He didn't kiss me back so I pulled away slightly. I opened my eyes and he stared at me, his eyes widened in surprised. I ran my fingers through his short dark hair and leaned in close again. When I moistened my lips with the tip of my tongue, it grazed the entrance to his mouth. He groaned and I took that opportunity to slid my tongue in his mouth. I stroked my tongue against his, watching his eyes flutter close as he kissed me back.

I pressed my body against him and he gripped my waist in response. He slid his hands up my body until he was caressing the sides of my breasts. I waited to feel something-sparks, tingles, butterflies, fireworks, boom clap, anything. I felt nothing- nothing but emptiness. It took me back to being 15 again- desperate enough for affection that I was willing to do anything for it...

He pulled away abruptly and I looked up at him confused. I didn't even realize I was crying until he wiped my tears away.

"I'm sorry." I said, pulling away and cleaning my own face. "I'm ok." I tried to convince him as lean in back close to him.

"No. I'm sorry." he said, looking at me with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face. "I didn't come here for this- I came to talk."

I gulped and shook my head. "We don't have to talk. We're good. I'm good. Promise." I lied, running my hands over his jean covered legs.

He pushed my hands away. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"

My face burned with embarrassment as his rejection. "What's wrong is that I'm sick of everyone telling me what I am and what I'm not. I said I'm good and I don't wanna talk. If you don't get that, just go!" I snapped at him before I stormed to my room. I waited for Justine to join me before I slammed the door behind me. I angrily wiped the tears away as I laid down in bed.


I woke up a short time later with a throbbing headache only made worst by my alarm system blaring. I pushed the comforter of my body and stumbled out of bed. The memories of my evening pieced together even though I wished they didn't.

I was shocked to see the morning sun glaring through the windows and Christian at the front door toying with the keypad.

I quickly joined him, punching in the code to disengage it. "There. Now you can escape." I joked lightly even though I believed he was trying to sneak out. Hell, I would have ran the night before. I wondered why he stayed.

"I wasn't trying to leave. I came to talk to you. We didn't do much of that last night." he said, finally looking at me. His eyes looked tired, but not annoyed or pissed at me. After my performance last night, he had every right to be.  I flushed, not knowing which was worst: my failed attempt to seduce him or my reaction when he turned me down. I was pissed and annoyed with myself.

"I'm sorry. I had too much to drink." I said, ashamed.

"I figured. You tasted like it." he said, bluntly, causing my face to burn harder. He rubbed my shoulder. "We normally have our best conversations when you're drunk. Not sure what happened last night, but can we try again sober?"

I cleared my throat and nodded. "Yeah, but if you weren't leaving, what are you doing?"

"You friend Sammy- She came in and just left." Christian explained.

I groaned, thinking about what she must have assumed before I went back to my room to retrieve my phone.

"Everything ok?" Christian asked, joining me in my room.

I called Sammy 3 times. She ignored all three.

"No. She was supposed to watch Justine for me today, now she's not answering." I said truthfully.

"I can watch her." Christian answered.

"You don't have to. I can cancel my appointment and Amber or Rocky can watch her while I'm at work-"

"I have a red-eye tomorrow morning. I can crash and we can really talk when you get back." He told me.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. When's your appointment?"

"10." I sighed, knowing that I really needed to see Dr. Pereira now more than ever.

"Go. Get ready. No hard food or chew toys right?" Christian asked.

"Right..." I confirmed, trying to remember if I told him that or not.

"Got it. We'll be here when you get back."



"Lily... You're here early." Dr. Pereira greeted me as she let me in her office early.

"Yeah, I left my dog that just had surgery with the guy I threw myself at after finding out my ex is dating, so I figured I should get here right away." I blurted sarcastically.

She listened as I revealed everything that was going on. The first thing she asked me about was my trip. I spent majority of our time telling her about my falling out with Christian, explaining to her why I had to come back for Justine and my last failure of a conversation with Trevor.

"I get that he would be upset if I dated Christian. To some extent, I understand how he's acting because I used to do the same shit- jump to conclusion and act immaturely. I just wished he would have talked to me or at least asked me before assuming I was with Christian." I ranted.

"From what you've told me, making assumptions doesn't sound out of his character." She pointed out.

I breathed in deep before starting again. "I know. I guess I just wanted us to be... ok again. I've accepted that we aren't going to be together but a small part of me wish that we could be friends again. Even though he told me if we ever broke up that wouldn't happen, I guess I didn't want to believe that." I confessed.

"You should be able to have open communication with a friend. They should listen- you shouldn't feel the need to hide secrets, happenings or feelings with a friend. A friend will offer support and encouragement even when they disagree with you. Do you feel like you and Trevor can be true friends to one another?"

I looked away, deep in thought. We hadn't been true friends to each other for a long time now. I shook my head no.

"What about Christian?"

I scoffed. "I blew that. I just threw myself at him because Trevor is dating. How could I do that after what he just told me about me not seeing anyone pass Trevor? Why can't I see pass Trevor? Why do I care that he's dating? I want to move on from him. Instead, I'm trying to make myself feel better about him by having sex with Christian. Even though I know better, I keep making the same mistakes. What the fuck is wrong with me?" I asked, ashamed and confused. My eyes stayed dry, but I felt defeated inside. What was the good of therapy if I kept making the same mistakes over and over again?

"Do you remember what you told me when I asked you what you wanted to accomplish in therapy?" Dr. Pereira asked.

"Yeah... I wanted to get over my past and fix myself so I can have normal relationships. I feel like I've worked through my past issues; now how do I fix what's wrong with me? I'm constantly torn between what I want to do and what I know I should do."

She gave me a soft smile. "You're becoming more self aware Lily. When you understand your needs and desires and even your failings, you begin to understand why you do the things you do. Understanding those habits is the only way you can improve them. Habits become behavior- behavior becomes character. As long as you keep improving, eventually, it becomes a part of who you are."

I nodded my understanding as our time came to an end.

"That doesn't mean you won't feel inner conflict or make mistakes. The important part is having the self awareness to realize them. That's how you make the right choices and stop making the same mistakes."

I thought that over as she stood up."Ok."

"I think we can start seeing each other every other week." When I looked up at her, shocked, she continued. "I'm still here if you need more appointments, but I don't think you need to see me on a weekly bases. You're ready to start applying what you've learned." Dr. Pereira encouraged me.

"I can do that." I said, confidently. I was still ashamed of my actions, but I no longer beat myself up. I was ready to learn from my mistakes and correct them.

"Remember what I told you about relationships?" she asked me at the door.

I shook my head.

"Don't fixate on normal relationships- focus on healthy. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, trust and honesty. You want relationships with people that have good communication, respect your boundaries, and support you. That's more important than what you perceive as normal."

"You're right and I will." I promised.

Sorry

Even if it's too late to say sorry, I am. I never intended to drop off with no explanation, and for that I offer my deepest apologizes. This past year has been rough, but I'm finally in a good place to start writing again.

No promises on when I'll start posting regularly- I don't want to break them and I'm not sure if I should just pick up where I left off. But what I'll do if you want to know Lily's end game, email me. I won't reveal plot, but I will let you know who she ends up with. That being said, I will change the comments so I have to approve them for those who do not want to know.

For all who will continue to read, I promise the blog will conclude this year. As always, thank you for reading. And Happy New Year! Such a cliche, but I resolve to do better in 2017.