Control

"When I was 17 I did what people told me
Did what my father said, and let my mother mold me
But that was long ago
I'm in
Control
Never gonna stop
Control
To get what I want
Control
I like to have a lot
Control
Now I'm all grown up
First time I fell in love, I didn't know what hit me
So young and so naive, I thought it would be easy
Now I know I got to take 
Control
Now I've got a lot
Control
To get what I want
Control
I'm never gonna stop
Control
Now I'm all grown up" Control by Janet Jackson

"Wait. How did you say that?" Bianca asked me before inhaling from the hookah sitting in the middle of our table. Finally caving to the smell of the tobacco, I grabbed a disposable mouthpiece and inhaled too.

"Say what?" I asked, taking a small sip of the rum I was nursing. The hints of sweet vanilla and spicy cinnamon and nutmeg in the chai flavored tobacco paired nicely with the rum.

I didn't even know pairing hookah with alcohol was a thing. I didn't even think hookah was still a thing. I remembered how extremely popular it was when I was in high school- especially for kids not old enough to smoke. Private school kids with unlimited access to cash and limited supervision found their way into the lounge.

My dad controlled my time and money, so there was no way I would be stepping foot in a hookah bar. I didn't have friends to go with anyway. Back then, I eavesdropped in class hearing all about their adventures while telling myself I was too mature to partake in their childish antics. It wasn't lost on me that I sat there with Bianca and her friends smoking after having a temper tantrum with my dad. Since we couldn't talk about Bianca and Noelle with her friends around, I told them about my disaster dinner.

"That she was only good for draining your dad's balls?" Bianca clarified.

"Um, just like that. I wasn't exaggerating. That's verbatim what I said." I admitted.

Her roommate Liz gasped. "Ohmygosh, what did she do to you?"

"Um... not mind her business?" I suggested, even though I was ashamed of what I said.

Bianca chuckled as she puffed from the hookah. "It could've been worst..."

"You coulda called her a cum bucket, but you toned it down." Gayle, her second roommate piped in with a snicker.

"Why don't you like your future stepmom?" Bianca asked me.

"Don't call her that. And it's not like I don't like her. It's not even about her really. It's about- the whole fucking night." I revealed.

The whole ambush was infuriating, but I was dealing with it. I was already upset with my dad, but I kept it together for the majority of the evening. What made me finally snap was my dad talking about Trevor.

I thought about why I was so angry with my dad on the Uber ride to the bar to meet Bianca. I knew my dad's opinion of Trevor wouldn't change because he had cancer. It was another underlining reason why I hadn't spoke to him. What I couldn't figure out was why I lost it like that. I knew I had to control myself better than that. I was disappointed I responded the way I did.

"Ugh, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Why are there so many people out tonight?" I observed, changing the subject.

"Thanksgiving Eve is a big party night. Almost as big as New Years." Mitch, Gayle's boyfriend, informed me as he exhaled puffs of smoke.

"Really? Why?" I questioned.

"First time all year people start coming home. Like from college. Like my bae." Gayle said, before pulling Mitch in for a kiss.

 Mitch's phone rang, stopping their make out session. His best friend worked at a tattoo shop and told him to stop by if he wanted new ink. Bianca, Liz and I tagged along with them.

While Mitch and Gayle contemplated matching tattoos, Liz decided to get a Monroe piercing. Bianca played on her phone and I browsed the artwork on the wall.

"Thinking about getting a tat?" A deep voice asked from behind me. I turned to see a tatted up guy watching me from the front desk.

"Yes- She wants ball drainer on her forehead." Bianca shouted back.

We both dissolved into giggles and the guy looked at me curiously. I never thought about a tattoo before, mostly because I never could think of anything I wanted permanently on my body. I sat and fiddled with the charm bracelet on my wrist before shaking my head.

"No thanks, just browsing." I smiled, before taking a seat next to Bianca. I looked over at her and she shifted away from me so I couldn't see her phone. I immediately got suspicious.

"You're talking to her, aren't you?" I asked, disapprovingly.

"Don't ask if you don't want to know." Bianca replied.

"I do want to know. That's why I'm here." I said, trying my hardest to remain neutral. I couldn't understand why she would want to talk to Noelle. I realized the hacking wasn't her fault, but she put Bianca in a vulnerable position by engaging in a sexual relationship, taking pictures, and keeping it on her phone. All while in a relationship with someone else. It just didn't make sense to me.

Bianca put her phone away and looked at me. "We didn't plan on anything to happen. We... We bonded. It was so easy to get along with her. We understood each other and we wanted to talk and hang out all the time. I thought it was... maybe a kinship at first. It is, just more than friends." Bianca explained.

"Ok...when did it turn into more than friendship?" I asked.

"It was gradually, natural. We just talked more and more and my feelings changed. I thought I was losing it until she kissed me. She feels the same way that I do." Bianca explained, her whole face lightening up.

"What way do you feel?"

"I love her. I'm in love with her." Bianca confessed.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I never imagined that depth of feelings from her. Especially for another woman, who was Christian's girlfriend.

What do I say to that?

Liz came out, saving me from having to respond, showing off her new piercing.

"I'll hook you up with a piercing too. On me." The guy that pierced her offered Bianca and me, flirtatiously.

"Nope, I'm good with the holes in in my body. Thanks though." Bianca said, pulling out her phone

"I want one." I said, standing up. Bianca looked up from her phone, shocked.

"Where do you want it?" He grinned at me.

"My ears." I said. I wanted a second piercing when I was in 6th grade. My dad said no and I forgot all about it. I knew I was being rebellious, but I really wanted it now. I followed him to the his work station, waving Bianca to come with me. I sat in the chair and Bianca sat on the arm of the chair. We both watched as he pulled out the equipment.

The ear piercing wasn't as bad as the piercing gun threatened. I didn't remember the amount of pain from my first piercing- My ears were pierced before I moved in with my dad or it probably would've never happened. When he was done, he went over the care instructions, holding up a mirror so I could examine my ears. I smiled pleased with how cool my ears looked with double piercings.

After checking on Gayle and Mitch, we decided to walk to a nearby taco stand. Liz hung out at the shop, chatting with Mitch's friend as he worked. After grabbing a couple tacos, we sat outside the shop.

"Are you a lesbian?" I finally asked her, sitting my food down in my lap to talk.

"I don't know. I'm attracted to guys, but the way I feel about Noelle- I never felt that for a guy. I don't know if it's because she's a girl or because she's just her, but I love her. There's no doubt in my mind about that." Bianca disclosed.

"Ok... Ok." I said, thoughtfully, trying to keep a straight face when she mentioned love again. "But how do you know she feels the same?"

"She does. She told me." Bianca nodded.

"What about Christian?"

"What about him?"

"Why didn't she just break up with him? I mean, are they still together? From the way Christian was talking, I think they still might be."

"The timing was never right. Now she's dealing with the hack. I told her to take it one thing at a time. " Bianca defended her.

I sighed. "Bianca-"

"I admit, I freaked out a little at first, but I'm ok. She loves me and I love her. We're going to be ok." She cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear anything else from me.

Urgh, there was that love stuff again.

I decided to say what I needed to say and leave it alone unless she wanted to talk to me about it more.

"And I'm glad you two love each other. The whole situation is just fucked up though. Relationships are hard enough without complications-" I began to point out.

"I'm willing to stick by her regardless of complications or how hard or fucked up it might be. I don't expect you to understand that." She stopped me, aggravated.

I controlled myself, refusing to respond to her dig at me. I wanted to tell her that the whole situation sounded like a shitty Lifetime Movie- Noelle was playing the role of the two face cheater and she was acting like the home-wrecking bitch. There was never a happy ending for the home-wrecking bitch. I kept my mouth closed and went back to finishing my taco.

We sat in a tense silence until Liz came out, calling us inside to check out Mitch and Gayle's tattoo.  They both got Philadelphia "Love" symbol-his on his bicep and her on her calf.

 I hoped their relationship lasts as long as the tattoo. I kept quiet the entire way back to the apartment, playing with the infinity charm on my bracelet. When we got back to Bianca's apartment, I made myself comfortable on the couch and went to sleep.



Thanksgiving morning, I gathered my things and got ready to head to my aunt's house. I figured since I didn't see Bianca and I having anymore heart to heart conversation, I might as well be useful and go help cook. I was putting my extra blanket and pillow back in the hallway closet when Bianca startled me by calling my name.

"Fuck, you scared me." I exclaimed.

"Sorry. Good morning."

"Morning." I replied, making my way back to the couch to tie up my shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"Your mom's house."

"It's so early. Why?"

"Since I didn't bring a dish, I figured I should help her."

"Help me. I'm making the jello, as usual." She joked, playfully. It was a running joke that Bianca had been on Jello duty since she was 6 and never advanced to anything more.

"You have mastered jello. You don't need any help." I smiled, half heartedly.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you gave up with Trevor- " Bianca apologized, sincerely.

"It's doesn't matter. I came out here to make sure you're ok. That's all." I told her, not wanting to talk about Trevor.

"The pictures and videos are bad enough. I have too many friends that have been cheated on. I can't think of the role I played in that. I know he's your friend, but I can't think about Christian. I have enough guilt."

"I don't know what's going on with Noelle and Christian, but like I said, I'm here for you. I support you, always. I just want you to really think about the choices you're making." I finished.

"I am. I can't change the things that I've done, but I'm doing things right now." She nodded.

"Good... do you wanna run to the store with me? I'm actually baking a dessert." I asked.

"I have to see this. Let me get dressed." She called to me as she went back to her room.

As she got ready, I checked my phone. Cam called and left messages, so did Jenna. I skipped passed them and saw Trevor texted me too. Before we left, I sent out a Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, including Trevor. I debated texting Christian too, but I sent it to him as well.

As we shopped for the ingredients, I asked her about coming out to her mom.

Bianca shook her head. "Absolutely not."

"B, the chances of someone recognizing you is really high. It's probably going to get back to her." I warned her.

"I'll take my chances." Bianca said.

"It'll be better coming from you then someone else. You can't hide this forever." I continued.

"Maybe I can. People do it all the time. People you know." Bianca countered.

 I didn't understand why she would want to hide it forever or her refusal to be honest with her mom. My aunt Patty was nothing but caring and understanding with me. I didn't try to convince her to tell her mom the truth. I didn't have room to judge- I lied to my dad about having a disorder to hide the truth. I just vowed that whatever she decided, I would be there for her.

We went back to the apartment and made our dishes. Afterwards, Bianca asked me what I was wearing. I showed her my orange lace fit and flare dress, with a beige belt and beige ankle booties. She dressed in a peach tank, fitted khaki, and cute kitten heels. Aunt Patty expected us all to dress nice for family events, so we both took the time to straighten our hair and apply makeup before we grabbed our food and left.

On the ride over, I scrolled through my phone and answered texts. I was somewhat relieved when I saw Christian texted me back. I said I was giving Bianca my full support, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to look out for her. That included finding out all I could about Noelle's intentions. Talking to Christian could help me figure that out. I read the text he sent me.

Christian: Even though I don't celebrate it, Happy Thanksgiving.

Me: Why wouldn't you celebrate being thankful for what we have while eating as much food as possible?

Christian: Something about the massacre of a race of people makes me lose my appetite...

Me: Well, you can still be thankful right? For spending time with family and loved ones

Christian: True

Me: Is that what you're doing today?

Christian: Somewhat. I'm in Cali with my friends working on new music

Hmm, no Noelle? Interesting.

Me: I'm in Cali too vistitng my fam.

Christian: That's what's up. I'm not too far from where you grew up at.

Me: Cool

We arrived at Patty's house about 30 minutes before dinner was served. I put my phone up and greeted everyone before joining Patty and my cousin Brittany in the kitchen. I told them about my job and house and Patty filled me in on church functions and the family gossip. After we got the feast on the table, we sat down and ate. I had a good time catching up with my mother's side of my family, watching football and eating and drinking entirely too much.

On the drive back to Bianca's apartment, I went through my missed calls. My brother, Trevor and Rocky all called. I ignored them and went to my texts again.

"Do you mind if I borrow your car?" I asked as Bianca pulled up to her apartment.

"Yeah." She yawned. "Let me unlock the door and you can take my keys."

As I followed her to the door, I text Christian.

Me: Can I come by so we can talk?

Bianca handed me her keys as my phone beeped.

Christian: Girl you know we got thangs to do, so get your ass in that car and come thru... come thru... come thru... come thru...

I smiled when I recognized the lyrics.

"Where are you going? Shopping?" Bianca asked me.

"Something like that. I'll be back."

I sent Christian a text back before as I walked back to the car.

Me: Come Thru- Drake

Christian: Too easy

He added the address at the bottom of his text. I clicked on it and navigated to his house.