Dreaming With A Broken Heart (Trevor's POV)

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part" Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

TREVOR'S POINT OF VIEW


"T-Rev..." a shaky voice interrupted my peaceful rest. I immediately turned to where the voice was coming from. Only one person called me that, and even though I didn't want her here, I couldn't push her away.

Sure enough, it was Lily at my bedside. She was holding my hand in hers- I welcomed the warmth of her hands. Her hair was down, a dark curtain framing her face. Her lips were the same rose red color I loved to kiss of her mouth. I was debating whether I should do just that when a tear fell to her lips. I looked up at her hazel brown eyes, and saw that they were brimming with tears.

I wanted to tell her not to cry, but when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out. I tried to reach out and wipe her tears away, but I couldn't get out of her grip. I tried to sit up, but I couldn't move a muscle. Panicked filled me as I realized I was paralyzed. I now understood what my dad meant when he said death would be better than being confined to a bed.

As I watched Lily's tears fall off her face and next to me, I realized I wasn't in bed. I was in a casket...


The image of myself in a casket jarred me out of sleep. The contents of my stomach churned violently, and I barely had time to lean over to the basin next to my bed before I puked the little bit in my stomach out. When my stomach finally settled, I pulled back and tried to relax. Since I was diagnosed with Colon cancer, percentages and prognosis have been thrown in my face. No doctor, nurse or family member brought it up as bluntly as my dream, but I always knew failure meant death. My dad was a perfect example.

Granny came into the room a few moments later after I got up to clean the basin. When I decided to move back to Wichita Falls, I didn't think living with my granny was an option. She didn't drive and I didn't want her to have to take care of me. I tried to stay with my uncle Jimmy but the country was too far from the hospital. I knew I had no choice but to stay with my mom. My granny surprised me and my mom both by telling me I could live with her as long as Jimmy could take me to my appointments. My mom hated it, but I stayed with my granny. My mom was over constantly, hovering like she had been as soon as I told her I had cancer.

"Try and drink this." My granny said, handing me a cup of ginger ale  with a straw.

I sipped on it while she checked my temperature, running her hand on my forehead. She wiped my face with a cold towel before offering me a handful of Jolly Ranchers. I shock my head. It was my rest week between cycles- the chemo is not what made me sick. The dream did.

I was horrified to find out I could actually taste the drugs being dumped into my body during my first round of chemo. You'd figure with my mom going through the same thing with my dad, she would be more prepared. My uncle Jimmy came with with a variety of hard candies for me. Jolly Ranchers helped the most.

My uncle was there for me every step of the way. It was fitting considering he was the one that made me get a colonoscopy. When my uncle questioned me on why I wasn't helping Lily out around the house, I told him the truth- half the time I was sleep and the other half I was content to let her do it. He lectured me at being responsible as a man. Part of that was getting a colonoscopy.

Jimmy had colonoscopy every year, something I should have been doing.  I never felt a need to have one. I only took it it so my uncle would give me access to the money my dad left to me. He had been in charge of it since I was a minor. When I turned 18, I let him handle it.  I could have just went over him, but I took the test so he would shut up about it. He kept going on about how did I expect to take care of a family if I couldn't take care of myself. It reminded me of Lily's dad and spurred me into action. I didn't even tell Lily. I was that confident I was fine. I didn't want to worry Lily, just throw the results in my uncle's face.

After my first test, the doctor showed me pictures of my colon. He pointed out what was healthy, and what was not. I didn't want to believe it when the doctor told me I had colon cancer. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have constant abdominal pain like my dad, I wasn't old like my grandfather, I never had polyps like my great uncle Jimmy. It didn't make sense in my mind. I quickly learned that cancer never did and the fact that I had a family history of it only increased my chances.

I didn't tell anyone that week. I had to figure out how I was going to tell Lily first. How did I tell her I had cancer? How could I tell her that all our plans- the house, marriage, our family- all that had to be put off indefinitely? Or permanently?How would she react if I tell her I was sick with the same disease that killed my dad?

I couldn't. I couldn't do it so I ignored it. I put it off as long as I could. I took Lily to Florida to get away from everything and show her a good time. I needed a weekend to remind her who I was before the chemotherpy and doctors and all the other cancer crap took over our lives.

I remember how much the cancer changed my dad. The chemo took this strong, stubborn, asshole of a man and turned him into a weak, pitiful guy I didn't even recognize. The first time I saw him cry was when he lost his hair. After that, his weight dwindled away till he was nothing but a shell of his former self. After all that, it wasn't enough to save him.

I never told anyone this, not even my counselor at the time, but I was glad when he was admitted into hospice. My mom wore herself ragged taking care of him and worrying about me. I tried to ignore everything and stay a kid obsessed with my computer games, but I couldn't escape the burden his illness put on all of us. It hung over us until the day he died.

When he passed, his bedside was surrounded by friends and loved ones, including me. At his funeral, I couldn't help but feel relieved. Everyone's life would be better now that he was dead. As ashamed as I felt about it, it was the truth. I didn't wish the experience of cancer on my worst enemy.

That's what made me decided I couldn't stay with Lily. I loved her too much to make her go through at best, chemotherapy and a future of uncertainty; or at worst, my death. It's funny how we were finally on track, wanting the same things and figuring it all out; when life came and kicked me in the nuts. We made so many promises to each other. I knew she would stay by my side if she knew I had cancer. She loved me enough to do anything for me-including giving up her dreams. That's what made me decide not to tell her about my cancer at all.

I knew how much she wanted to buy a house, get married and have a family. The money for our house would now be used for my medical bills. Even if I could have kids after chemo, I would never want them to deal with cancer: either with me or having the disease themselves. I couldn't be with Lily, subjecting her to this for the rest of my life- however long or short. Even if I survived the cancer, I wouldn't want to live with her resenting me for taking away her dreams. Even worse, I didn't want her to be relieved if I died.

Now that I knew what I had to do, I started making plans. The first thing I did was get in touch with an oncologist in Wichita Falls. After that, I broke the news to my boss and took leave and short term disability. I signed another lease with my apartments for 6 months. My chemo plan was several rounds of a 3 weeks-cycle before surgery. In 6 months, I should know if I was going back to Dallas or not. I paid the 6 months from the retirement money dad left so Lily didn't have to worry about rent.

The next step was breaking up with her. I gave her the tried but true, it's me and not you line. She didn't accept it. When she cried and begged me to stay, I couldn't leave her. I knew I should, I hated myself for not being strong enough to leave. I made love to her one more time, memorizing every curve of her body, knowing there was no one I would ever love more.

When she fell asleep in my arms, I held her one more time, letting the tears fall down my eyes, before I snuck out, leaving a note. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, but in the end, I stuck with I'm sorry. I drove home to Wichita Falls to start my treatment.

The first week of chemotherapy was hell. I was sick to my stomach and so freaking weak, it was hard to move. On a particular rough day, I couldn't make it to the bathroom on time. I would have laughed at myself if it wasn't so pathetic. My mom came into the room and automatically went to help clean me up. I told her I got it, and she made a comment about that was why she was here for me. I recognized her tone as a dig at Lily; I ignored it in favor of going back to sleep.

I received Lily's texts during that same time. It crushed me to not respond to her, but it was the only way for her to move on with her life without me. Her anger was the only way I could let her go. I texted Rocky to check in on her. When I listen to the voicemail of her crying, begging me to come back, I cried out of frustration and pain too. I changed my number and deleted Lily's number. It was too hard not to reach out to her.

By the end of the week, I went from barely functional to completely helpless. It left me angry and short with everyone. My granny came to check on me, but unlike my mom, she knew when to leave me alone. When I was able to stay awake longer by the end of second week, my cousins came over to hang out with me. They helped me set up my laptop and WiFi so I could email my friends my new number and work on my coding videos. It gave my something to do besides being bored and uninterested in anything else besides thinking about Lily.

By the beginning of the 4th week, my rest week, the coding videos weren't working. I was feeling somewhat like myself again and I was missing Lily like crazy. I was doing good, blowing of my friends questions about her, making it seem like I just didn't having feelings for her anymore and had to go into hiding when we broke up. Meanwhile, I dreamt about her all the time. The chemo hadn't affected my cock- I woke up hard fantasizing about her. My fantasy weren't about sex... ok, not all about sex, but about us being back together.

I made a mistake of looking at her Instagram out of longing. Seeing her out, dressed up, smiling and celebrating life with her friends- I didn't expect it to hurt so much that she was doing it without me. I reminded myself that this is what I wanted: her to move forward and be happy. I still wanted it for her, I just couldn't see it-It broke my heart.

I was sure that's why I was having dreams of my death now. It was my subconscious reminding me I made the right choice. It was easy to want to be together when I was feeling okay. I told myself I was starting chemo again next week. I needed to put all my energy into that.

"Thanks Granny." I said, wiping my mouth and putting down my cup. "I don't even know why I got sick. My body must be preparing for next week."

"Don't get worked up about it. The drugs are supposed to make you sick-that means it's doing its job." Granny lectured me before sitting on the end of the bed.

"I know." I sighed.

"Let me ask you something. Why haven't your friends come to visit?"she asked.

"They're busy. With work and their own lives. We talk on the computer." I fudged. They were busy and we did talk on the computer when I was able to. None of them knew I was sick though.

"What about that Lily girl?" She continued.

"We broke up." I said, truthfully.

"You know, your daddy never wanted kids." Granny continued.

"I woulda never guessed." I cut in, sarcastically.

"Hush boy. Let me finish." Granny shushed me. "He and your great uncle Jimmy were more like brothers than uncle and nephew. He looked up to him. When Jimmy decided he didn't want a family, your daddy followed in his footsteps."

"How'd I get here then?" I gave her a lopsided smile.

"You have to ask you're momma for that story. The point of my story is to tell you your life may not be what you planned, but it's what God planned."

"Oh, ok. God wanted me to have cancer."I said, upset.

"You every wonder why some people beat this disease and other's don't?" Granny asked me.

"Prayer?" I offered, bitterly.

"Yes. And attitude. Spirit. You're dad was miserable life didn't go the way he wanted. He always had a sense of entitlement that I admit was my own fault. When he got sick, he gave up. I don't want you to be like him."

I huffed, frustrated. "I'm not Granny! I'm here, taking chemo that makes me Goddamn miserable. You realize how much easier it would be to just die than have my whole life ripped apart? But I won't. I'm fighting for you and mom and everybody else so you don't have to cry over me in a casket and there's a chance that might still happen. I don't know what else you fucking want from me!"

"You watch your mouth in my house child. I have no problem washing your mouth out with soap Trevor Alan Tobin." She scolded me. When I just crossed my arms, she sighed. "You're family and everyone that loves you are here to support you but you don't do it for us. You do it for yourself and your future." My granny urged me.

"Ok. Granny. I'm gonna go back to sleep." I said, shutting my eyes dismissively. I understood what she was saying, but it was hard to fight for a future I no longer saw.

The next cycle of chemo was worse. I didn't know why I thought knowing what to expect would make it better. It was like knowing you were going to be ran over by an 18 wheeler, it still hurt like hell. The only time I woke up was to vomit. Sores developed in my mouth making it hard to eat and drink. One afternoon, I woke up because my scalp was burning. When I pulled my hand down from scratching, a clump of hair went with it. I sat there, starring at the hair in my hands for I don't know how long until my mom came in. When she came over to embrace me, I pushed her off and yelled at her. I don't even remember why- I was just fed up with being sick and tired that I took my frustrations out on her.

My uncle Jimmy stayed with me the rest of the week. He was the only one who could handle my bad attitude without getting upset like my granny and mom. Friday night, before I went to bed, I went to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and It freaked me out how much I looked like my dad- my thinning face, sunken eyes, pale skin, and hairless head. I couldn't look at myself anymore and hurried to bed.

I woke up in the middle of the night to sobs. I opened my eyes, annoyed, knowing it was probably my mom. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I was stunned when I saw Lily. I thought it was another dream, but I was covered in sweat, too dizzy, too nauseous and too exhausted to be dreaming.

"Trevor..." she hiccuped, reaching for my hand. I pulled away before she could hold my hand.




*Sorry it's later everyone. POV post are extremely hard for me, especially this one. As for a schedule, I announced awhile back I'm posting Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm trying to get back to 3 post a week, but it's that busy time of the year. There will always be 2 post a week, even if the days are not consistent.