Under Control

"I'll never forget that feeling
When I watched you disappear
When you made me stop believing
I could fight away the fear
Now the smoke has cleared
And the end is near
It was my illusion
Like a broken dream I was incomplete
But your love was never missing
I feel like I am breathing again
I feel like I am seeing again
I feel like I am breathing again
I got it under control" Under Control by Ellie Goulding

The scrutiny I received outside the gated community Christian stayed at was nothing compared to the huge guy who opened the door for me. He looked me over, from my wind blown hair to the top of my booties. I was seriously regretting not calling Christian from the car and letting him know I was here. I was worried that if I just parked on the driveway, the overzealous security guard would have apprehended me for casting the place.

I somewhat understood the security guards reluctance to let me in the community. I had to look down at my phone to remember the address of the house, I gave Christian's name not knowing he wasn't the home owner and I was driving Bianca's 98 Pontiac Grand Am that was in desperate need of a paint job. After a phone call, the guard opened the gate and gave me instructions on how to get to the house. I drove off after he wished me a good evening. I wasn't aware that was just the beginning of my struggles.

"You from 4play?" The guy finally asked me when his glance fell on my face.

"No..." I hesitated.

"I didn't think so." He replied, looking me over again.

I crossed my arms, skived out by his appraisal of my body. "Christian invited me." I informed him.

He opened up the door for me and gestured me in. Before I could even look around, he shoved a pen and a stack of papers at me.

"Initial every page, sign where it's highlighted, then I'll go get Christian." He instructed me. I looked down at the paper. "Nondisclosure Agreement" was in bold print across the top.

"Uhh, can you just go get Christian for me? I'll wait outside." I offered.

"I don't care where you wait, you still need to sign-" he blustered at me.

"Chill out scrap." Christian appeared, coming to meet us in the doorway. I sighed in relief at seeing him and smiled when he grabbed the agreement out my hand and shoved them back to the guy.

"I told you we need to tighten up." He scowled but took the papers from Christian.

"I told you she's cool." Christian replied before turning to me. "Lily, this is my manager, Hugo. Hugo, this is Lily."

Hugo snorted before leaving us.

"I would have signed it, if you wanted me to."

"Nah, you're not grimy and I got dirt on you if you decided to be." Christian said, leading me through the house. "You want a tour?" Christian offer.

"No, I just bought a house. I don't wanna be house shamed." I replied as I surveyed the room we were walking through. It was monochrome in black and white which strange artwork that gave it a weird futuristic vibe.

"Congratulations. Get me the address and I'll send you and Trevor a potted plant." He responded with a smile.

"What is 4play?" I asked him, changing the subject.

"A strip club." He replied,

"Ok...Should I be offended or pleased Hugo didn't think I was from there?" I questioned.

He stopped and gave me look over too. "You just don't dress like a stripper."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

We stopped in the kitchen. It was state of the art, with all types of cool looking gadgets I didn't recognize. My years of bartending did make me able to pick out the expensive bottles of champagne and liquor. A loud ruckus of cheers and laughter rang out as we stood in the kitchen. "I didn't  mean to interrupt the party."

"You're not. My manager is partying while forcing me to work on my album."

"So you are putting an album together?"

"I did put an album together. C'mon." He led me outside to the massive backyard. There was a pool, a gym, a trampoline, a huge sitting area and a back house that was a separate recording studio. We walked into the studio where a group of 3 guys were hanging out, listening to music and smoking.

It was awkward as first, not knowing any of the guys he was hanging with but his friends were super smart and funny. They were YouTube and Vine celebrities that made humorous videos for a living. I learned that's how Christian got his break. After college, he moved back east and produced background tracks for their videos while looking for steady work. When a video went viral, so did the song and the rest was history.

Between listening to Christian's new album and drinking Kava tea, I loosened up. We were all joking and laughing and making fun of Christian's manager. Just my 5 minute interaction with him provided me enough evidence to agree he was a douche.

Hugo was making Christian add another track to the album that I thought was already amazing. The album was a infectious mixture of EDM and hip-hop featuring big name stars and underground artist I never heard of. His manager thought it would be a good idea to "cash in" on the Noelle scandal by making a song about threesomes. I couldn't help much with the creative process, but I enjoyed listening to beats and trying to keep up with their fast paced humor.

By 4 o'clock in the morning, everyone dispersed until it was just Christian and I digging for beats. We left the studio for the backyard sitting area. I chose an oversized oval cushioned wicker chair and he sat across from me in a lounge chair. We sat there, in silence, before I asked, "What the fuck was in that tea?" I didn't realize the effect of it until it was wearing off. It made me relaxed, comfortable and in a great mood.

"You're supposed to ask that before you drink it" he chuckled at me. "It's kinda like liquid Xanax."

"You drugged me!" I exclaimed.

"No. It's all natural. Besides, it makes these kinda talks easier."

"You didn't drink any."

"I'm high."

"Oh, right." I said, taking in his bloodshot and slanted eyes. I took that as my cue to talk.

"What's going on with you and Noelle?"

"We're taking a break. I could forgive her, but it's an impossible to forgive someone who feels no remorse. She doesn't think what she did was a big deal." Christian answered.

"Bianca says she's in love with Noelle. It's a big deal to her." I told him.

Christian made a face. "Tell her good luck with that."

"I'm sorry but I have to ask, do you think Noelle has genuine feelings for Bianca?"

"I know they're still talking. There's gotta be a reason for that. I just don't believe Noelle is capable of loving anyone more than herself."

"Fair enough."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What's good for the goose."

He flashed a little smile before turning somber. "How is Trevor? I wanted to reach out, but I didn't think he would want that." He said, looking embarrassed.

"Probably not." I concurred. "He's done with chemo. Has surgery soon so it's looking good."

"I'm glad to hear that. Let me know if there's anything I can do." He offered.

"Yeah." I nodded. "I should get going. My flight is soon."

"Are you ok to drive?" He asked, watching me struggle to get to my feet. It was because the chair was so comfortable- I could have curled up and went to sleep on it.

"Yeah- I'm ok." I stretched.

"I still have things to figure out with Noelle. I let you know when I do." He said, standing up too.

"Thank you Christian" I paused and looked up at him. "You shouldn't get back together with her."

"You're not just saying that because your cousin loves her?" Christian asked with a smirk.

"No, underneath the asshole suit you wear, you're a decent guy. You deserve someone who cares about your feelings, even if she doesn't agree with them."

He nodded and I gave him a hug before we walked to the front door. I waved as he watched me leave.

I got back to Bianca's apartment with just enough time for a 10 minute shower. When we arrived at the airport, I turned to Bianca.

"I takes more than love to keep two people together. Before you go all into a relationship with Noelle, make sure she's all in too." I said.

"I will." She nodded. I gave her a hug, told her that I loved her and left.

As I waited for my plane to board, I checked my voicemail. Rocky left me a message asking me to invite Forrest to her gender reveal. Trevor called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. My brother left me a message wanting me to call him back when I was ready to talk. Jenna left me a message too, apologizing profusely saying it was all her fault. That definitely took me by surprise and I was tempted to call her back, but I was too tired. I did call Dr. Pereira, my therapist, to see about setting up an appointment for the day. I didn't want to wait another week to meet with her. I had so many things going on in my head I really needed to talk them out.

On my layover in Vegas, I got a message from Dr. Pereira office saying she could see me at 4pm. I called back to confirm the appointment before ignoring the notifications on my phone.

By the time I got to Dallas, I barely had time to pick up Justine and change before it was time for my appointment with my therapist.

"Thank you for seeing me today Dr. Pereira." I said once she escorted me back to her office.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" She asked me as we sat down.

"It was uneventful. The day before was not." I admitted.

"Tell me what happened."

I told her about my confrontation with my dad after finding out he was engaged.

"When we last spoke, you weren't ready to face your dad. What made you change your mind about seeing him?"

"I didn't." I replied. I explained to her how I originally thought my brother had set me up. Now, thanks to her message, I believed it was was Jenna.

"I didn't think I would see him. I really went to California to see my cousin. She's... in her first homosexual relationship with my friend's girlfriend. Or ex, they're taking a break because of her relationship with my cousin." I explained.

It was weird saying it out loud. It was weirder calling Christian my friend. We weren't really friends, but hanging out with him made me see we could at least be friendly.

"I'm trying to be supportive of Bianca but I don't see this ending well. She just, she just doesn't see it. I don't understand how she doesn't see what a fucked up relationship she's in." I said, frustrated.

"Perception is our reality." Dr. Pereira commented.

"I'm... not sure what that means." I said, thoughtfully.

"Perception is based off what we believe, think and feel. That's how you and Bianca can see the same relationship in two completely different ways."

"But... perception doesn't change the truth, does it?" I said, confused.

"Perception can alter reality. For example, last time I saw you, you said you weren't ready to see your dad." She paused to look at her notes. "You said that if you saw him, you would be angry and ruin the holiday correct?"

I nodded, biting my lip.

"Now tell me what he said or did that made you upset?"

"I felt... cheated. Like everyone gets to move on with their life and be happy while I'm stuck here in therapy, trying to figure out what's wrong with me." I explained.

"I understand your feelings, but what did your dad say or do to make you feel that way?" She pressed.

"I don't know." I said, tearing up.

"Lily-" she started, reprovingly.

"Fine. He didn't say anything. It was me." I brushed away an angry tear.

She nodded, handing me a tissue. "You have to be conscious of your own perception. The world and the way we see it is reflective of who we are and what we want it to be. It drives your behavior Lily. Eventually, you become the person you think you are. Who do you think you are?" Dr. Pereira asked me.

I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't. The only things I ever thought about myself were flaws. I honestly thought of myself as my mother's and father's mistake, my brother's burden, my friend's flunky, and my significant other's inferior. I never felt good enough for any of them. I lived with the fear that one day they would abandon me.

Tears were streaming down my face now. Dr. Pereira handed me another Kleenex. "Together we can work on where the negative feelings about yourself come from, but ultimately, it's your choice-You get to decide how you choose to live."

I cleaned my face off. "Ok."

"I want you to write down who you want to be. Start thinking, feeling, and believing it. Change your perception and I promise you can change your reality."

I nodded.

When I got back to the apartment, I went for a long run with Justine. When we got home, I settled in on the couch and began my list. Confident - I never wanted insecurities to hold me back. Patient- I was so impulsive, especially when I was unhappy or mad. Honest but tactful- that would help me control my emotions. I stopped and read over my list. When I realized I was focusing on the things I lacked, I took some time to write the things I liked about myself. I added adventurous and generous. Trustworthy and open hearted. The last thing I added was loyal on my list before my phone rang.

Trevor.

With everything going on over Thanksgiving, Dr. Periera and I didn't even talk about my conflicting feelings about Trevor. I didn't want to keep blowing him off, and we still had our party to plan, so I picked it up.

"Hey." I answered.

"Hey. You can answer your phone."

"Sorry, it's been a crazy few days." I replied.

"Yeah? You've been having a lot of those lately. How crazy was it?" He asked.

I frowned up, detecting a little bit of a weird tone in his voice. "You know, just traveling and going home."

"I don't know. I haven't been doing a lot of traveling lately."

"Traveling during the holiday. I'm sure you can imagine." I responded. There was definitely a tone. I panicked, thinking something was wrong.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" He asked, strained.

"It was good." I said, waiting for him to tell me why he was upset.

"Just good?"

"Yeah, just good. What's wrong with you?" I asked concerned.

"Nothing. Just wondering how long you've been lying to me?" Trevor responded, pissed off.

"Lying about what?" I asked shocked.

"How bout not knowing whether you had to work on Thanksgiving for starters?"

I sighed deeply. "I'm sorry I lied. I just didn't know what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving-" I started.

"When did you decide you wanted to do Christian?" Trevor cut me off.

"Trevor stop and listen to me. I wasn't in California to see Christian." I tried to explain.

"It was just a coincident?" He asked, bitterly.

"No, it wasn't-" I said, truthfully. He cut me off before I could finish.

"I didn't think so. Last thing I knew, you weren't talking to him."

"Will you let me explain?" I said, getting angry that he wouldn't even hear me out.

"It's fucked up that the one person you told me not to worry about when we were together is the same guy you're hanging out with now. It makes me wonder what else you were lying about." He said.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. It took everything in me not to say anything as he continued his rant.

"But you know you can do whatever you want. We're not together. I don't even care that you're hanging out with him. You don't have to lie to me anymore."

I waited after a couple moments of silence before I began. "You're right- I shouldn't have lied about the whole Thanksgiving thing. I should have been honest with you from the beginning."

"So you're with him now?" He said, sounding devastated.

"No. I'm not. Do you even believe me?"

"Why were you with him then?" He said, disbelievingly.

"I don't have to explain myself. Either you believe me or you don't."

"I think you owe me an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything Trevor. We're not together, remember? My friend would believe me." I calmly told him.

"I don't believe you. Have a great life with him." He said before he hung up on me.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I blinked them away and wrote one last thing on my list.

Independent.

I needed to get over my fear of being alone. I wanted to know I could be fine on my own. Not just fine, I wanted to be happy. I had to start thinking and acting for myself.

The first step towards that was ending the friendship I thought I had with Trevor.

Control

"When I was 17 I did what people told me
Did what my father said, and let my mother mold me
But that was long ago
I'm in
Control
Never gonna stop
Control
To get what I want
Control
I like to have a lot
Control
Now I'm all grown up
First time I fell in love, I didn't know what hit me
So young and so naive, I thought it would be easy
Now I know I got to take 
Control
Now I've got a lot
Control
To get what I want
Control
I'm never gonna stop
Control
Now I'm all grown up" Control by Janet Jackson

"Wait. How did you say that?" Bianca asked me before inhaling from the hookah sitting in the middle of our table. Finally caving to the smell of the tobacco, I grabbed a disposable mouthpiece and inhaled too.

"Say what?" I asked, taking a small sip of the rum I was nursing. The hints of sweet vanilla and spicy cinnamon and nutmeg in the chai flavored tobacco paired nicely with the rum.

I didn't even know pairing hookah with alcohol was a thing. I didn't even think hookah was still a thing. I remembered how extremely popular it was when I was in high school- especially for kids not old enough to smoke. Private school kids with unlimited access to cash and limited supervision found their way into the lounge.

My dad controlled my time and money, so there was no way I would be stepping foot in a hookah bar. I didn't have friends to go with anyway. Back then, I eavesdropped in class hearing all about their adventures while telling myself I was too mature to partake in their childish antics. It wasn't lost on me that I sat there with Bianca and her friends smoking after having a temper tantrum with my dad. Since we couldn't talk about Bianca and Noelle with her friends around, I told them about my disaster dinner.

"That she was only good for draining your dad's balls?" Bianca clarified.

"Um, just like that. I wasn't exaggerating. That's verbatim what I said." I admitted.

Her roommate Liz gasped. "Ohmygosh, what did she do to you?"

"Um... not mind her business?" I suggested, even though I was ashamed of what I said.

Bianca chuckled as she puffed from the hookah. "It could've been worst..."

"You coulda called her a cum bucket, but you toned it down." Gayle, her second roommate piped in with a snicker.

"Why don't you like your future stepmom?" Bianca asked me.

"Don't call her that. And it's not like I don't like her. It's not even about her really. It's about- the whole fucking night." I revealed.

The whole ambush was infuriating, but I was dealing with it. I was already upset with my dad, but I kept it together for the majority of the evening. What made me finally snap was my dad talking about Trevor.

I thought about why I was so angry with my dad on the Uber ride to the bar to meet Bianca. I knew my dad's opinion of Trevor wouldn't change because he had cancer. It was another underlining reason why I hadn't spoke to him. What I couldn't figure out was why I lost it like that. I knew I had to control myself better than that. I was disappointed I responded the way I did.

"Ugh, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Why are there so many people out tonight?" I observed, changing the subject.

"Thanksgiving Eve is a big party night. Almost as big as New Years." Mitch, Gayle's boyfriend, informed me as he exhaled puffs of smoke.

"Really? Why?" I questioned.

"First time all year people start coming home. Like from college. Like my bae." Gayle said, before pulling Mitch in for a kiss.

 Mitch's phone rang, stopping their make out session. His best friend worked at a tattoo shop and told him to stop by if he wanted new ink. Bianca, Liz and I tagged along with them.

While Mitch and Gayle contemplated matching tattoos, Liz decided to get a Monroe piercing. Bianca played on her phone and I browsed the artwork on the wall.

"Thinking about getting a tat?" A deep voice asked from behind me. I turned to see a tatted up guy watching me from the front desk.

"Yes- She wants ball drainer on her forehead." Bianca shouted back.

We both dissolved into giggles and the guy looked at me curiously. I never thought about a tattoo before, mostly because I never could think of anything I wanted permanently on my body. I sat and fiddled with the charm bracelet on my wrist before shaking my head.

"No thanks, just browsing." I smiled, before taking a seat next to Bianca. I looked over at her and she shifted away from me so I couldn't see her phone. I immediately got suspicious.

"You're talking to her, aren't you?" I asked, disapprovingly.

"Don't ask if you don't want to know." Bianca replied.

"I do want to know. That's why I'm here." I said, trying my hardest to remain neutral. I couldn't understand why she would want to talk to Noelle. I realized the hacking wasn't her fault, but she put Bianca in a vulnerable position by engaging in a sexual relationship, taking pictures, and keeping it on her phone. All while in a relationship with someone else. It just didn't make sense to me.

Bianca put her phone away and looked at me. "We didn't plan on anything to happen. We... We bonded. It was so easy to get along with her. We understood each other and we wanted to talk and hang out all the time. I thought it was... maybe a kinship at first. It is, just more than friends." Bianca explained.

"Ok...when did it turn into more than friendship?" I asked.

"It was gradually, natural. We just talked more and more and my feelings changed. I thought I was losing it until she kissed me. She feels the same way that I do." Bianca explained, her whole face lightening up.

"What way do you feel?"

"I love her. I'm in love with her." Bianca confessed.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. I never imagined that depth of feelings from her. Especially for another woman, who was Christian's girlfriend.

What do I say to that?

Liz came out, saving me from having to respond, showing off her new piercing.

"I'll hook you up with a piercing too. On me." The guy that pierced her offered Bianca and me, flirtatiously.

"Nope, I'm good with the holes in in my body. Thanks though." Bianca said, pulling out her phone

"I want one." I said, standing up. Bianca looked up from her phone, shocked.

"Where do you want it?" He grinned at me.

"My ears." I said. I wanted a second piercing when I was in 6th grade. My dad said no and I forgot all about it. I knew I was being rebellious, but I really wanted it now. I followed him to the his work station, waving Bianca to come with me. I sat in the chair and Bianca sat on the arm of the chair. We both watched as he pulled out the equipment.

The ear piercing wasn't as bad as the piercing gun threatened. I didn't remember the amount of pain from my first piercing- My ears were pierced before I moved in with my dad or it probably would've never happened. When he was done, he went over the care instructions, holding up a mirror so I could examine my ears. I smiled pleased with how cool my ears looked with double piercings.

After checking on Gayle and Mitch, we decided to walk to a nearby taco stand. Liz hung out at the shop, chatting with Mitch's friend as he worked. After grabbing a couple tacos, we sat outside the shop.

"Are you a lesbian?" I finally asked her, sitting my food down in my lap to talk.

"I don't know. I'm attracted to guys, but the way I feel about Noelle- I never felt that for a guy. I don't know if it's because she's a girl or because she's just her, but I love her. There's no doubt in my mind about that." Bianca disclosed.

"Ok... Ok." I said, thoughtfully, trying to keep a straight face when she mentioned love again. "But how do you know she feels the same?"

"She does. She told me." Bianca nodded.

"What about Christian?"

"What about him?"

"Why didn't she just break up with him? I mean, are they still together? From the way Christian was talking, I think they still might be."

"The timing was never right. Now she's dealing with the hack. I told her to take it one thing at a time. " Bianca defended her.

I sighed. "Bianca-"

"I admit, I freaked out a little at first, but I'm ok. She loves me and I love her. We're going to be ok." She cut me off, clearly not wanting to hear anything else from me.

Urgh, there was that love stuff again.

I decided to say what I needed to say and leave it alone unless she wanted to talk to me about it more.

"And I'm glad you two love each other. The whole situation is just fucked up though. Relationships are hard enough without complications-" I began to point out.

"I'm willing to stick by her regardless of complications or how hard or fucked up it might be. I don't expect you to understand that." She stopped me, aggravated.

I controlled myself, refusing to respond to her dig at me. I wanted to tell her that the whole situation sounded like a shitty Lifetime Movie- Noelle was playing the role of the two face cheater and she was acting like the home-wrecking bitch. There was never a happy ending for the home-wrecking bitch. I kept my mouth closed and went back to finishing my taco.

We sat in a tense silence until Liz came out, calling us inside to check out Mitch and Gayle's tattoo.  They both got Philadelphia "Love" symbol-his on his bicep and her on her calf.

 I hoped their relationship lasts as long as the tattoo. I kept quiet the entire way back to the apartment, playing with the infinity charm on my bracelet. When we got back to Bianca's apartment, I made myself comfortable on the couch and went to sleep.



Thanksgiving morning, I gathered my things and got ready to head to my aunt's house. I figured since I didn't see Bianca and I having anymore heart to heart conversation, I might as well be useful and go help cook. I was putting my extra blanket and pillow back in the hallway closet when Bianca startled me by calling my name.

"Fuck, you scared me." I exclaimed.

"Sorry. Good morning."

"Morning." I replied, making my way back to the couch to tie up my shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"Your mom's house."

"It's so early. Why?"

"Since I didn't bring a dish, I figured I should help her."

"Help me. I'm making the jello, as usual." She joked, playfully. It was a running joke that Bianca had been on Jello duty since she was 6 and never advanced to anything more.

"You have mastered jello. You don't need any help." I smiled, half heartedly.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you gave up with Trevor- " Bianca apologized, sincerely.

"It's doesn't matter. I came out here to make sure you're ok. That's all." I told her, not wanting to talk about Trevor.

"The pictures and videos are bad enough. I have too many friends that have been cheated on. I can't think of the role I played in that. I know he's your friend, but I can't think about Christian. I have enough guilt."

"I don't know what's going on with Noelle and Christian, but like I said, I'm here for you. I support you, always. I just want you to really think about the choices you're making." I finished.

"I am. I can't change the things that I've done, but I'm doing things right now." She nodded.

"Good... do you wanna run to the store with me? I'm actually baking a dessert." I asked.

"I have to see this. Let me get dressed." She called to me as she went back to her room.

As she got ready, I checked my phone. Cam called and left messages, so did Jenna. I skipped passed them and saw Trevor texted me too. Before we left, I sent out a Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, including Trevor. I debated texting Christian too, but I sent it to him as well.

As we shopped for the ingredients, I asked her about coming out to her mom.

Bianca shook her head. "Absolutely not."

"B, the chances of someone recognizing you is really high. It's probably going to get back to her." I warned her.

"I'll take my chances." Bianca said.

"It'll be better coming from you then someone else. You can't hide this forever." I continued.

"Maybe I can. People do it all the time. People you know." Bianca countered.

 I didn't understand why she would want to hide it forever or her refusal to be honest with her mom. My aunt Patty was nothing but caring and understanding with me. I didn't try to convince her to tell her mom the truth. I didn't have room to judge- I lied to my dad about having a disorder to hide the truth. I just vowed that whatever she decided, I would be there for her.

We went back to the apartment and made our dishes. Afterwards, Bianca asked me what I was wearing. I showed her my orange lace fit and flare dress, with a beige belt and beige ankle booties. She dressed in a peach tank, fitted khaki, and cute kitten heels. Aunt Patty expected us all to dress nice for family events, so we both took the time to straighten our hair and apply makeup before we grabbed our food and left.

On the ride over, I scrolled through my phone and answered texts. I was somewhat relieved when I saw Christian texted me back. I said I was giving Bianca my full support, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to look out for her. That included finding out all I could about Noelle's intentions. Talking to Christian could help me figure that out. I read the text he sent me.

Christian: Even though I don't celebrate it, Happy Thanksgiving.

Me: Why wouldn't you celebrate being thankful for what we have while eating as much food as possible?

Christian: Something about the massacre of a race of people makes me lose my appetite...

Me: Well, you can still be thankful right? For spending time with family and loved ones

Christian: True

Me: Is that what you're doing today?

Christian: Somewhat. I'm in Cali with my friends working on new music

Hmm, no Noelle? Interesting.

Me: I'm in Cali too vistitng my fam.

Christian: That's what's up. I'm not too far from where you grew up at.

Me: Cool

We arrived at Patty's house about 30 minutes before dinner was served. I put my phone up and greeted everyone before joining Patty and my cousin Brittany in the kitchen. I told them about my job and house and Patty filled me in on church functions and the family gossip. After we got the feast on the table, we sat down and ate. I had a good time catching up with my mother's side of my family, watching football and eating and drinking entirely too much.

On the drive back to Bianca's apartment, I went through my missed calls. My brother, Trevor and Rocky all called. I ignored them and went to my texts again.

"Do you mind if I borrow your car?" I asked as Bianca pulled up to her apartment.

"Yeah." She yawned. "Let me unlock the door and you can take my keys."

As I followed her to the door, I text Christian.

Me: Can I come by so we can talk?

Bianca handed me her keys as my phone beeped.

Christian: Girl you know we got thangs to do, so get your ass in that car and come thru... come thru... come thru... come thru...

I smiled when I recognized the lyrics.

"Where are you going? Shopping?" Bianca asked me.

"Something like that. I'll be back."

I sent Christian a text back before as I walked back to the car.

Me: Come Thru- Drake

Christian: Too easy

He added the address at the bottom of his text. I clicked on it and navigated to his house.

Out of Control

"I feel like I'm spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything's twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
To let me know I'm not alone
But in fact that's exactly what I was
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me
Cause I don't know
If I can trust you
All of the things you've said to me
I may never know the answer
To this endless mystery
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me" Out of Control by Hoobastank 



Since I wouldn't be back in Dallas until Friday afternoon, I tried to reschedule a therapy appointment before I left. Dr. Pereira was booked but she asked if it was urgent to see to her. I was confused and wanted to talk before going to California, but it wasn't an emergency. I told her I was fine and would see her the following Friday.

I let Cam and Rocky know I was going to California for Thanksgiving. I told Rocky I was still going to try to make it to her baby reveal in Houston. I also made sure she knew Trevor's good news and told her about us planning to celebrate the end of chemo and our birthdays together. She sounded surprised about the party, but she just rolled with it- letting me know she was down for whatever.

When I told Cam I would be spending Thanksgiving with my Aunt Patty, he joked and said he believed I could handle two dinners- just skip bread and come to his house afterwards.  I told him I could, but I loved bread too much and I didn't want to see dad. Before he could try to convince me otherwise, I promised him my new years resolution would be to work on my relationship with Dad, but I wasn't ready for it right now. He reluctantly agreed, asking me when I flew in. When I told him Wednesday, he offered to pick me up so I could at least spend time with him and Jenna's family. I quickly agreed.

I left Justine in Dallas with Amber to avoid the added work of flying with her. At first Amber didn't know if she could, saying she would be too busy working to take care of her. I reminded her she owed me for telling Will I've been out partying with her when I hadn't. She stuttered, trying to explain but I cut her off. I told her we would talk about it later, but in the future to let me know when she needed me to- you know, cover for her lies. She quickly agreed and mentioned how low maintenance Justine was when she last watched her. I knew she was lying- Justine was hyper as hell but it was two days. That's what friends are for- covering for each other and pet-sitting.

I arrived in California late in the evening with the time difference. I called Bianca and let her know I was in town. I invited her to hang out with us, but she had plans to go out with friends. I called my brother next, letting him know I would meet him by the exit. I was exhausted, but perked up immediately when I saw my brother waiting for me. I gave him a huge hug before he grabbed my bag off my shoulder as we headed to his car.

"Dad was asking about you." Cam said as we left the airport.

"I'm sure he was."

"He's always asking about you." Cam emphasized.

"I get it. I really do plan on working on our relationship."

"Talking would be a good first step."

"I know. I just have... a lot of pent up feelings I need to deal with. I've started on it- I'm seeing a therapist, but I'm not there yet." I informed him.

"You're seeing a therapist?" Cam asked, surprised.

"What? I need help dealing with everything. You did too! You married yours!"

"I didn't mean anything by that. I'm glad you're getting help. How long have you been going?"

"About a month."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Besides crazy? It's good. Helpful."

"Good."

"So how's it been having your mother in law stay with you?" I asked, teasingly trying to lighten the mood.

"She's great."

"Really? She and Jenna don't gang up on you?"

"No, she loves me. She keeps Jenna in line and cooks at least 3 times a day. Did you know Italian food was more than pasta?"

"Duh." I smiled at him.

"I'm talking soups, fish, scallops and veal. " he rattled off. I laughed at his enthusiasm. "I thought I hated anchovies until she cooked with them.

"Jenna cooks too!" I said once I stopped laughing.

"Once a week. With her mom, I feel like I'm king of the castle everyday."

"Don't let it get to your head peasant." I snorted.

"As the king's sister, you get the royal treatment too. She was finishing stuffed mushrooms when I left."

As soon as we walked into his house, the smell of tomatoes, garlic and other heavenly scents hit me and my stomach grumbled embarrassingly.

"Can we start the tour of the castle in the kitchen, your majesty?" I asked, impatiently.

"I told you." Cam grinned at me. The only time I saw his house was when my dad had the movers over. The walls of the foyer were an inviting and warm buttery color. Cam led me to the fully furnished living room. Shades of gray, cream and blue made the room look so cozy but chic. Chrome picture frames immediately grabbed my attention on one of the walls. The center picture was a gorgeous wedding photo of Jenna's hand resting over Cam's showing off their wedding bands. All around it was family pictures that I had to stop and look at.

"That was Jenna's idea." Cam told me as he stopped beside me.

"It's beautiful." I said, examining the photos one by one.

I smiled at the candid picture of Jenna, Carly and Amanda spinning in awful, puffy, matching white dresses, skipped over the family portrait of my dad, Cam's mom and Cam as a toddler, and grinned at the shot of Cam and me as kids, arms around each other, scowling at my dad who stopped our fun at the park to take the photo. The grin fell off my face when I heard the unmistakable high pitch laugh of Beatrice, my dad's worst kept secret girlfriend. I looked over at Cam in confusion. He looked startled as well.

"I'll be right back. Stay right here." He said, before striding towards the kitchen.

I hesitated briefly before I followed. I wasn't going to wait around- Whatever was going on, I wanted to know. I followed him into the kitchen. My eyes met my dad's before I realized this was a fucking ambush.

"Lily! So good to see you again." Elena, Jenna's mom, smiled widely, rushing over to give me a hug.

"It's good to be seen." I joked hugging her back with my eyes trained on Cam. He gave me a perturbed look that I wasn't sure if I bought.

Jenna hugged me next, and I complimented her on her beautiful home. Carly was after her- She was very careful not to mess up her recently curled hair. Amanda and I playfully fawned over each other like we hadn't seen one another in years. I was still smiling when Beatrice approached me.

"To be young and beautiful. I wished I looked that good coming from the airport." She gushed, giving me a hug.

I was wearing fitted green twill pants and a white scoop neck short sleeved shirt. My hair was pulled up in a ponytail and I wasn't wearing any make-up. I was sure she dressed up more to go to bed.

"Thank you." I said polietly, fighting my childish urge to keep my arms to the side during her hug. When she pulled away, she turned to my dad.

"Doesn't she look great Carlos?" Beatrice asked him.

"Always." He said, nodding. I gave him a tight smile.

"Are you hungry? You didn't eat on the plane did you?" Elena asked me.

"I'm starving. The way Cam's been talking about your cooking, I'm glad I didn't eat." I responded.

Elena beamed. "Let's go sit down then. Amanda, Jenna- help bring out the food. Carly, you can get the wine." Elena instructed.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked.

"No. Go sit down."

I reluctantly followed my dad, Cam and Beatrice to the dining room.

"I didn't think you were coming home for Thanksgiving." Dad commented to me as he sat opposite Cam at the end of the table.

"I wasn't originally." I offered, sitting safety away from both of them in a middle seat.

"When do you go back?" My dad asked.

I looked at him, then Cam. That didn't sound like a man who asked about me all the time. It sounded like someone who wanted me gone. That, paired with his reaction when he saw me, let me know he was set up too.

"Friday morning." I replied

"Where are you staying the next couple of nights?" Beatrice said, taking her seat next to Dad and rubbing his arm.

"With my cousin."

"You know you can stay here." Cam said, sending an apologetic look my way. I ignored it.

"Bianca is going through a rough time right now. That's the only reason why I'm in town- to check on her." I replied.

"Is she well? Have you told Patricia what's going on?" My dad questioned me.

"She will be and I'm leaving that up to Bianca."

Thankfully, the food and wine were served. I filled my plate high with the stew, pasta, stuffed peppers and mushrooms. I turned down the wine and stuck with water. The conversation turned to how good the food was. I was amazed Elena did all this cooking, plus cooking for Thanksgiving. It was absolutely delicious.

"It's just me at home now. I missed cooking for others." Elena admitted at our praise.

"I already told you the guest room and the kitchen is all yours if you move out here Ma." Cam said, causing us all to smile or laugh.

"Maybe when you two have a child, son." Elena smiled.

"You wouldn't move." Jenna spoke up. "You said you couldn't be that far from Amanda."

"Just Amanda? Thanks Ma." Carly exclaimed.

"Carly, you travel so much you're hardly in Missouri and when you are, you're busy with you job or friends. I just want to make sure Amanda is settled before I do anything else." Elena explained.

"So I have to screw up or be a loner to get your attention?" Carly muttered into her wine. Amanda ignored her and kept eating. I sent Carly a glare.

"You got plenty of attention in high school, or don't you remember?" Jenna said, slyly, sipping on her wine.

"Should you be drinking of you're trying to get pregnant?" Carly said, just as sly.

"Carly. Jenna." Elena said, sharply. Just her saying their names was enough for them to drop it, although Jenna looked ready to throw her wine on Carly. Elena turned to me. "I really appreciate what you and Trevor are doing to help Amanda out. Please pass that on to Trevor."

"I will." I nodded, focusing on my stew.

"What are you and Trevor doing?" Dad asked me.

I was still chewing so Amanda answered. "They're letting me stay at their apartment until I get on my feet."

"So you and Lily are going to be roommates?" Dad asked.

"Until Lily moves into her house. Amanda showed me pictures- it's lovely." Elana said.

Beatrice looked at me surprised. "You're buying a house?"

I cleared my throat. "I bought a house." I corrected her.

Cam took a deep breath. He already knew- I asked him not to say anything to my dad about it. Judging by the way dad's scowl, he kept his word.

"Where did you buy a house?" He asked, sharply.

"In Plano. Not too far from the apartment." I answered.

"With Trevor?" He grunted out.

"No." I said, between my teeth.

It was a tense silent until Carly said, "I helped Jenna design this house. Let me know if you need my expertise."

"Thanks." I said, blandly knowing that would never happened. I did love the design, but not her fucking attitude. We ate quietly until desert. Over cake and coffee, Elena asked me, "How is Trevor doing dear?"

"He's ok. He just got great news. He's done with the chemotherapy."

"You must be so relieved." Elena said.

I nodded. "You have no idea."

"I'm so glad to hear that Lily. I've been praying for both of you." Beatrice said. I ignored her.

"I thought chemotherapy was the first part of his treatment." My dad stated.

"It is." Cam answered.

"He still needs surgery." Dad commented.

I took a breath and tried to explain my feelings to him."For the first time, it feels like..." I struggled to find the right words. "The final stretch of a race."

"It's like the light at the end of the tunnel." Jenna explained. My dad didn't look convinced.

"The cancer, it's hereditary correct?" Dad asked me. I felt my grip on my fork tighten.

"Dad-" Cam started, but I cut him off.

"Yeah, what's your point?" I finally snapped at him.

My dad shook his head and thought better of whatever he was going to say. I put my fork down when I noticed my hand was trembling.

"Excuse me." I said, standing and leaving. I went to the bathroom, turned on the water and tried to relax. I reminded myself that I could feel whatever I wanted, I just needed to control my actions. I pulled out my phone. I saw Bianca and Trevor both called me, but I pulled up Uber to get a ride. Cam would have taken me to Bianca's place, but I was pissed at him too for setting this night up.

I splashed water on my face and dried my face before leaving. Outside the door, my dad was waiting for me.

"Fu- fudge Dad. You scared me."

"Are you ok?" He said, looking me over critically.

"I'm fine."

"We need to talk." He told me.

"This is not the time nor place."

"When is it going to be the time and place? You may not feel the need to share your life with me but I have things I need to share with you." He argued.

"I'm sure you do, but it's not going to happen tonight." I said, as calmly as I could muster and walked away.

When I went back into the dinning room, everyone was clearing the table. I gathered more plates to take the kitchen where Carly and Amanda were wishing them.

"You really need to share how you lost weight with Amanda. I saw your old high school pictures. You used to be bigger than her." Carly laughed at herself while Amanda looked down.

I reigned in my anger and calmly asked her, "What's your problem?"

"What? I'm trying to help. You would cry if you got that big again, right?" Carly challenged me.

"No, I would cry if I was a bitch like you." I said to Carly. I faced Amanda. "Boxing is the secret. I take every negative, stupid, bitchy person in my life, picture them on a punching bag, and beat the hell out of it. It's a great workout."  I smiled.

When Amanda started laughing, Carly grabbed a towel and stomped out. I laughed too and helped Amanda with the dishes.

"Thanks for that." She said.

"Anytime, but you gotta start sticking up for yourself."

"I don't want to fight with her."

"You don't have to fight with her, she just has to respect your boundaries. Trust me, I know." I said as we finished up.

We joined everyone in the living room. I asked to see the wedding photography since there were pictures I haven't seen. I thumbed through the booklet, stopping to look at any pictures Trevor was in. He looked so happy and healthy- it was scary to see how quickly things changed. I missed us so much. Being his friend didn't help- it just made long for how we used to be.

"... I loved how simple you did your wedding. I want the same thing." Beatrice told Jenna.

I scoffed, thinking how she should probably date a man that would call her his girlfriend before planning a wedding...

...Then it hit me. Beatrice invited to a family dinner, Cam pushing me to talk to Dad, the set up, my dad wanting to share things with me.

"Are you two engaged?!?" I accused them, over whoever was speaking.

Beatrice hand went over her ring finger, which was bare so that confused me. I looked up at my dad who cleared his throat.

"I wanted to tell you-"

I didn't even hear the rest of his sentence. I can't even say I blacked out. I remembered everything- the disbelief, shock and finally, the rage. I swallowed it down, reminding myself to remain in control.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I laughed, humorlessly.

"Girls, let's give them a moment." Elena said, ushering her daughters out the room.

As soon as they left, Dad started in on me. "Lilian. Do not use that language-"

I smirked at Cam. "Do you have a problem with my language Cam? Cause I know you said the same fucking thing when he told you!"

Cam looked at me, concerned. "I'd prefer it if you two talked calmly."

I nodded. "Ok dad. What is this, a mid life crisis? Your first marriage went so well, why would you do that again? And with her?!?" I said, cooly.

"That's enough. You will show Beatrice respect-"Dad stood up, intimidatingly.

"How about I show her the same respect you showed Trevor?" I leveled, standing up too.

"Is that why you're upset with me? Trevor?" My dad said, incredulously.

"Dad, don't go there-" Cam cut in.

"I have plenty of reasons to be upset with you. We're talking about why I don't respect your fiancee."

"You don't have to respect me-" Beatrice started.

"Stay out of this, Beatrice." My dad stopped her.

"Yeah, nobody pressed your button." I cut my eyes at her. I gave dad a phony smile. "Let's make a deal-call her your girlfriend for a year and not only will I respect her, I'll give this wedding my blessing." I said, my voice dripping with condescension.

"Lily, stop." Cam raised his voice at me.

I whipped around. "No, you stop. This is all your fault. I told you I didn't want to see him, but once again, my needs and wants never matter. So fuck it- Fuck all of this." In between my tirade, my phone beeped so I grabbed my bag and my purse. I needed to get out of there. I had just enough self consciousness to know I was losing it.

"Nether one of you were ready for marriage. Can't you see that now?" He said, he's frustration growing.

"How can you seriously be ready for marriage? You made those vows before and broke them! You know what I see? Beatrice is nothing more than your playmate and besides draining your balls, she can't take care of you." I raised my voice at him. He kept going so I did too.

Beatrice gasped and left the room. I knew it was a horrible thing for me to say, I just needed to have the last word.

My words didn't stop him. If anything, it urged him on.

"I wasn't ready to be married. I did break my vows. One of those vows says in sickness and in health. Trevor got sick and left you. He's not ready to commit to you. Use this as an opportunity to better yourself. Grow up- you still have an eating disorder for Christ sakes." Dad lectured me.

I felt a wrath flood me like I never felt before. It built up inside of me at such an alarming speed, I scared myself. I lost the little control I had and I flipped the fuck out.

"You have no fucking clue what you're talking about! Not about marriage, or Trevor and especially not me! I never had an eating disorder- I was pregnant!" I got a sick pleasure watching him blanch. He was rendered speechless so I took that as my cue to leave. I faced Cam on the way out. He looked so lost, confused and broken; I momentarily felt bad. Then, I remembered he set this all up.

"Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful I don't have to put up with this bullshit anymore. Enjoy your family." I sneered at him before I stomped out the house.

Undisclosed Desires

 Sorry- no excuse other than I got wasted Friday and stayed that way the entire weekend. Posting from bed while my boys watch football with daddy. Hopefully your weekend was more productive :-) 



"Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart" Undisclosed Desires by Muse


I called Bianca immediately after Christian hung up on me. It rang and rang before it went to voicemail. I left a message before texting her to give me a call back. I noticed Trevor texted me but I ignored it while I worried about what was on Noelle's phone.

I knew for a fact Christian and Noelle partied hard- it was part of the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Bianca wasn't into that lifestyle though. She was smart, determined and focused. She liked Noelle because of her connections to the fashion world not her party hookups. I hoped that if she did get caught up and partied too hard, she wasn't stupid enough to let Noelle film her. Why would Noelle keep it on her phone anyway? It didn't make sense.

My next thought was nude pictures or videos. Noelle was a stylist to big enough celebrities that it made her famous too. She was also young, rich, and beautiful with her own reality show.  Leaked pictures happened with celebrities all the time. It made sense that hackers would target her phone. What didn't make sense is what that had to do with Bianca.

Tried of waiting, I searched Noelle's name on Google. I scrolled through the recent news which was all articles promoting the 3rd season of her show. I watched a trailer which included her trip to fashion week in Paris. The last time I knew for sure of Bianca hanging out with Noelle and Christian was for fashion week. I thought how Bianca acted when she came to Dallas from Paris. She was more quiet and withdrawn than normal. I was so caught up in Trevor and my drama, I didn't find out what was going on with her.

I tried to remember the last time I talked to Bianca. Over the past few months, we mostly communicated through text. We also commented on each other's Facebook all the time. That reminded me of the last time we spoke; she called me when she saw a picture of Trevor and me from Halloween. She asked if we got back together. When I told her we were just friends with no other explanation, she sounded disappointed like I knew she would. She was another member of Team Trevor and always lectured me to work it out with him. I didn't stay on the phone long enough to catch up with what was going on in her life. I wished I had...

My phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. It was Bianca and I answered quickly.

"Hey cuz. What's up?" Bianca greeted me.

I told her what Christian told me. "Noelle's phone was hacked. Something was leaked on the Internet."

"What?" Bianca asked in a hushed tone.

"He said you would know. What would be on her phone B?" I asked.

"I'm... I'm not sure. I gotta call her." She said, distressed.

"Call me ba-" I didn't finish before the call ended. I waited all night for her to call me back. Between texting and obsessively checking google, I used my nervous energy to pack. I hadn't forgotten that Trevor wanted me out of his apartment. Our constant drama had to take a backseat to whatever was going on with Bianca. I was so tempted to call Christian back, but we didn't have that friendship anymore. I had to respect my own boundaries. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him- I couldn't go back on that to satisfy my own need.

Monday morning, I wish I had called Christian. Maybe it wouldn't have soften the blow, but it definitely would have warned me of the shit storm brewing. All over entertainment news was the story of Noelle Pennington's phone hacking. Noelle released a statement confirming the hack, saying it was an invasion of privacy and she was going after not only the hackers but any website that posted anything from her phone. That stopped the sites from posting the pictures, but not from detailing the pictures and videos sent to them.

I read not only were there nude pictures, but explict videos as well. I continued to read and found out her partner in the video and pictures was not her long term producer boyfriend, but an unidentified woman. My stomach churned violently as I kept reading. A few of the seedier websites provided links where you could see the pictures. I couldn't click on them. I called Bianca instead.

"Hello?" She asked, brokenly. Her voice was hoarse like she had been crying. That was all the confirmation I needed.

"B, it's going to be ok-" I tried to comfort her.

"No it's not!" She weeped. I never heard her sobs like that from her before. I tried to remember the last time I heard her cry at all. I really couldn't recall. "Everything is all fucked up."

"Whatever happened, we'll handle it. We can fix it." I promised.

"We can't. They're already posted. It's too late." She cried harder.

"The pictures were stolen. They're coming down. No one else is going to risk being sued by posting them. Only me, you, Noelle and Christian know it's you in the puctures. Let's keep it that way." I suggested rapidly, trying to calm her down. It worked.

"You- You think we can?" Bianca sobbed.

"We can try. I'm going to call you right back. Just stay strong for me. We'll figure this out ok?" I offered.

"Ok."

I waited for her to hang up the phone and called Christian. I was expecting to get his voicemail and silently fumed while I thought about what message I was going to leave. He answered though, and I was lost for words. Everything I planned to say went out the window and I exclaimed, "What the fuck?!?"

"I'm guessing you saw the pictures?" Christian asked.

"No, I didn't. Like your girlfriend said it's an invasion of privacy that I want no part of. I did just get off the phone with my devastated cousin. She won't stop crying. I never heard her cry. Ever! So once again, what the fuck?!?" I repeated.

He made a sound that sounded like a grunt. It infuriated me.

"You kept going on and on about what a great opportunity it was for her to hang out with Noelle. You called me a bitch when I tried to stop it and y'all just fucking used her! Did you do this to get back at me? What the fuck is wrong with you?" I raged at him.

"Apparently a lot if you think I would do this to get back at you! I would've never invited her if I known about the two of them." He said, angrily.

"What?" I said, shocked. "You didn't know?..."

"I thought they were just friends until my manager got a call last night asking for my statement about the pictures." Christian spat, bitterly.

I instantly felt bad for him but I needed his help for my cousin. I had no idea what to do. "Bianca made a mistake. A mistake that's now plastered all over the Internet. I need to know what to do to stop it." I pleaded with him.

"The FBI is investigating the hack and Noelle's lawyers are on anyone who tries to post the pics-"

"I've already seen links-"

"I know. Once it's out there, it's out there."

"So there's nothing we can do?" I asked defeated.

"My manager is already on damage control. He's circulating a rumor that Noelle and I had a fling with a model at fashion week. We don't know all the data the hackers got. Your cousin needs to change her number, make all her profiles private and take her information offline. She should really take a break from social media until this all clears up. She needs to stop all contact with Noelle immediately. No connections- calling, texting, DMs, none of that. "

"Ok. I'll tell her." I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

"The pictures... anyone who knows her will recognize her. Friends, family. She needs to be prepared if it gets out." He warned.

"Let's hope the random model rumor sticks." I interrupted him.

"I promise you, no one will find out who she is on my end." He said sincerely.

"Thank you so much Christian." I wanted to say something else. I wanted to ask him how he was doing. I wanted to apologize for how I treated him and Bianca's part in this. I settled for thanking him.

"Yeah." He said flatly before we got off the phone.

I called Bianca back and told her word for word what Christian said to do. She was noticeable calmer, until I told her about the rumor Christian was going to start. When I told her to cut off all contact with Noelle, she spoke up.

"I'm going to change my number and delete all my profiles but I won't do that." She objected.

"What are you talking about? Christian said you need to sever all ties with her." I explained.

"I'm sure he did. He's jealous." She sneered.

"His girlfriend cheated on him- with you! He has every right to be jealous and pissed off but he's still trying to help you. The least you can do is cut off contact." I lectured her.

"I...I didn't mean for it to happen but I can't- I can't help how I feel. I never- felt this way about anyone." She stammered.

What the fuck?

"I'm going to try to come out there this week. I'm off on Thanksgiving. Just do it for now, ok?"

"Ok." She sniffed.

"I love you B. I'll call you back."

"Love you too."

As soon as I got off the phone, I began looking for flights. I would have to pay an arm and a leg, but I found a flight for Wednesday night. Coming back Friday was an issue considering I had to work. There was a flight that would have me back in Dallas at 2pm, just enough time to be late to work. I booked it.

I went to work early so I could call and talk to Dr. Clayton. He quickly agreed to stay later on Friday, and I thanked him profusely, letting him know I owed him one. I texted my flight information to Bianca. Right before my shift began, Dr. Fahri joined me in the cafeteria.

"I wanted to go over a couple things with you." He started.

I nodded and waited.

"Vince Charles requested a meeting with me. He's trying to move to 1st shift. Were you aware of this?" He asked.

It took everything not to roll my eyes. "No, but I'm not surprised. I gave him a coaching. He has a problem with chain of command and sharing information."

I briefly filled him in on why I had to coach him and his passive aggressive attitude since then.

Dr. Fahri rubbed his beard. "I wish you would have told me. I would have talked to him about it."

I gave him a little smile. "If I decide to write him up, that's when you talk to him. That's the procedure. I just wanted you to know why he doesn't want to be on my shift. He doesn't like me very much."

"I'm sure it has more to do with the fact he interviewed for your position too. If anything else happens, you have to write him up. You don't want to look incompetent to the athletic trainers."

I nodded, understanding what Dr Fahri was saying but where Dr. Charles attitude came from as well. "Understood, but I have it under control. What else did you want to talk about?"

"Why you haven't requested anytime off."

I blinked a few times, trying to figure out how to respond to that.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about taking time off."

"I'm not. I haven't needed it." I assured him.

"I heard you're going to be late Friday?"

"Right. My flight comes in late. It was last minute-" I tried to explain. He cut me off.

"Take it off. I'll cover your entire shift."

"No...Adil, Dr. Fahri, it's fine. I'm gonna be a couple hours late. Tops." I declined.

"Take the day. It's not a sick day or vacation. Just take it. My apology for giving you a hard time about needing time off. I insist."

"Thank you. I appreciate it." I said, graciously.

"No problem."

I stood up to head to the training room. "Lily." He stopped me. "How are you feeling about being team lead?"

I stiffened. "I'm fine."

"I'm not critiquing you. You're doing great." he said, raising his hands. "I'm curious to how you're liking the position."

"I love it." I smiled, lying though my teeth. Truthfully, I miss the little interaction I had before with our clients. I spent most of my time delegating to therapists and working with trainers on rehab plans.

"Good. Keep up the good work."

I did that for the rest of my night. As I drove home, Trevor called me. I declined the call, sending a text telling him I would call him back. I knew he probably wanted to discuss me moving. I planned to ask Dominick about hiring his brother's moving company but I didn't get a chance with everything going on with Bianca.

I got home and called to check on Bianca. She didn't answer as I searched through the cabinet for something to cook. I decided on a Caribbean rice box mix. As I defrosted some chicken, I texted Dominick about moving dates. When he texted back he would let me know, I called Trevor back.

"Hey."

"Hey. Sorry I haven't called back. Things have been crazy." I apologized right away, hiding my true feelings. Things were crazy, but I wasn't exactly sorry I blew him off. I had too. He made up his mind about us- I spent so much time trying to convince him otherwise I neglected my other relationships, including the one with my cousin. I sighed thinking about her and Noelle.

"Anything you wanna talk about?" Trevor asked bringing my attention back to him.

"No. Just Mondays. I did talk to Dominick. He's getting dates together as far as me moving. I'll let you know." I said quickly.

"Ohh- Ok. Any idea about Thanksgiving?" He asked.

"Yeah. I'm going to California."

"You just found out you're off?" He questioned.

"Yeah." I fibbed. "I have to work on Christmas though, so I figured I'll see my family now, you know?" I explained away. I couldn't tell him what was going on with Bianca. I knew he would never say anything to anyone, but it wasn't my secret to tell. Besides, I didn't even know what was going on with Bianca.

"Yeah, I know." He replied. "What are we doing for our birthday?" He asked.

"Umm, I haven't thought about it." I said, honestly thrown off. I hadn't even thought about my birthday, much less honoring our tradition of celebrating together.

"We should start planning Lilypad." Trevor suggested.

"When is your next doctor's appointment?" I asked, remembering our last conversation and trying to change the subject. It was hard enough just talking to Trevor. I didn't know how I felt about partying with him again. The images of Halloween night in his uncle's basement flashed in my mind, making me both aroused and ashamed. It wasn't a good combination.

"It was today. I'm officially done with chemo." Trevor announced.

"Really? No more chemo?" I asked excitedly,

"No more chemo darling." He said. I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me smile too. "I'm not outta the woods yet; I still have to have surgery, but not before we celebrate our birthdays."

"And the end of chemo!" I added.

"All of that." He agreed.

"Ok. Well when I come back from California, we'll plan the party!" I pushed away my prior reservations. I would get over my feelings if that meant celebrating no more chemo.

"Sounds good!"

"Sounds great!"

"Talk to you soon."

"Absolutely."

I hung up the phone, so many emotions flooding inside me. I ignored them for the time being. I would talk them over during my next appointment with Dr. Pereira.

Just Friends

***It's my birthday! Enjoy this super long post and cliffhanger and check back for another post Friday!***




"Just friends, lovers no more
Just friends but not like before
To think of what we've been
And not to kiss again
Seems like pretending
It isn't the ending
Two friends drifting apart
Two friends but one broken heart
We loved, we laughed, we cried
Suddenly love died
The story ended
But we're just friends
Two friends drifting apart
Two friends but one broken heart
We loved, we laughed, we cried
Suddenly love died
The story ended
But we're just friends" Just Friends

At work on my break Friday, I saw that Megan posted a status on Facebook about EJ's excellent report card. I liked the status and sent a text to Ethan, asking if he had EJ the upcoming weekend so I could take him go-karting like I promised. I was checking the weather when Ethan responded he would take EJ. I thought about his response before calling him as I updated the huddle board at the end of the day.

"I promised EJ if his conduct improved I would take him." I reminded him.

"I figured with everything going on with you, I would honor it and take him myself." Ethan said.

"Part of the reward is that I take him. I'm sure he rather go with me." I said, reasonably calm considering he thought there was a lot going on in my life. Did he mean Trevor?

"I'm sure he rather go with his friend than either one of us-"

"Ok, I'll take them both."

"Ok, we'll go together."

"Why? Cause you can't trust me? I can handle two kids. What do you think is going to happen?" I snapped, irritable.

"No... I trust you with EJ. Jayden's parents don't really know you. I can't say the same for them." Ethan explained.

I flushed, embarrassed. "Oh. Right. You can tag along, but it's still my thing."

"The weather looks good for Sunday afternoon."

"A school night?" I asked, not wanting to miss my weekly Skype chat with Trevor.

We texted during the week daily and we would call each other if we had news to share. We got in a habit of face-timing on Sundays too. I pretty much begged him to the first Sunday after his last round of chemo. He said he was doing ok but I wanted to see so for myself. He looked exhausted, but my heart melted when I saw he was wearing the t-shirt and beanie cap I gave him. He kept up the tradition every Sunday night- it was nice because Sunday night was always our chill time before the week started.

"No. The kids are out of school all next week for Thanksgiving. We can try for Saturday, there's just a chance for rain."

"No, Sunday is perfect. Just early afternoon. I have plans that night."

"Can I pick you up? Or do you wanna drive?" Ethan asked.

"You can drive. I'll see you then."

"See you."

"Dr. Harris?" I looked up to see Dr. Charles hanging in the doorway. "Last patient just left."

"Ok. Go ahead and start shutting down the equipment." I instructed him.

"Yes ma'am." He saluted me.

I smiled at him politely before he left. At least I could keep my emotions in check with Dr. Charles. An athletic trainer named Monica came to me, breathing fire, asking to speak to Dr. Clayton. I told her he was gone for the day, but I was the team lead. She looked me over critically before explaining she had been trying to change a player's injury status with the team doctor for a week now. I apologize even though I had no idea what she was talking about.

I pulled up the client's chart and saw Dr. Charles was working with the player exclusively. I sent in the request for the change, gave Monica my personal number if she had anymore request and called Dr. Charles in for a meeting as soon as she left. Anyone else I would have chalked it up as an innocent mistake. There was no doubt in my mind he purposely didn't follow the chain of command and tell me about the change. He was constantly testing my limits so I calmly informed him I was coaching him and the next time I had to talk to him would be a written notice.

He had been "no ma'am" and "yes ma'am" since I gave him a verbal warning. When Monica called to thank me and apologize, she mentioned he was being passive aggressive with her now too. I dealt with him with a smile on my face and a "fuck you" in my head. If I could have that control in my personal life as I did professionally, I would be set. Maybe it was because my relationships outside of work didn't effect my paycheck- which was spent on therapy so I could learn how to control myself. I made a mental note to mention that connection  to Dr. Pereira.



Saturday morning, I went to my house and looked at the new appliances in the kitchen. The kitchen was the last major area I was remodeling and now that the appliances were here I could start making changes.

I checked to make sure everything was clear before I let Justine off her leash to explore. As I walked through, I noticed a lot of my things that were in the garage were now placed around the house- like my washer and dryer in the laundry room, or my table in dining room. The red living room set that Sammy and I picked out for our apartment together was set up in the living room. My items in my storage unit were the only things I moved to the house. I figured there was no point of paying for storage when I had an empty 2 car garage. The house just looked vacant before, now with the merger furnishing and appliances, it looked kinda sad.

I connected my phone to my speaker and turned on my girl power playlist. Rihanna, Beyonce, Old school Fergie and Pink blasted through the speaker and thoughout the house, improving my mood and drowning out the lonely quietness. I got started on the cabinets in the kitchen. Richard introduced me to the paint kits in the bathrooms. It transformed the look without having to replace the sturdy but outdated cabinets.

I was working on a bottom cabinet when I heard the garage go up. I recognized Richard's voice and continued working. I dropped my paint brush when I heard the voice with him.

"What the hell are y'all doing here?" I asked, barely holding back my contempt as I stood. Richard stopped in his tracks, struggling with a counter high table.

"What are you hiding, jumping out of corners for?" Richard asked me.

"It's my house. What are you doing here?" I repeated.

"I got you a get deal on a table." Richard told me.

"I have a table- you moved it from the garage, remember?"

"This is going to be in the kitchen." Richard informed me. They continued to the kitchen, placing it in the open area that leads to the backyard.

"The house looks great so far. When are you moving in?" Jake asked me. I was hoping if I ignored him, he would disappear. Didn't work.

Richard made a stupid sound with his lips and I glared at him. He told me all the time I could move in, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

"I haven't set a date yet." I answered, plainly.

"Are you seeing it? We shave down the legs, make it the same height as the counter. The top will match the counter tops. The legs match the dining room table and the cabinets if you're doing them right." Richard said, quite pleased with himself as he looked over my work.

I saw it, and I loved it, but I didn't tell him that. "I am, thank you very much."

"You're supposed to be thanking me."

"Don't hold your breath."

Jake looked between us, before heading for the door. "I'm going to get the chairs."

When he left, Richard narrowed his eyes at me. "This is a substitute nook and island you don't have space for. What's up with the attitude?"

"I would have appreciated a phone call. Especially if you're going to have my ex deliver it." I hissed at him.

"I needed trunk space. He volunteered."

"Doesn't your roommate work part time at a moving company his brother owns?"

"Key word- work. As in gets paid. I arranged free labor for you. The guy that sold it to me knocked off $500 to pick it up today. You're  welcome." He said.

Jake came back with two cushioned barchairs. I had no rebuttal, so I muttered, "Thank you."

Richard gave me a smile. "I got lighting for the laundry room too. Go look. It's my present to you. Happy birthmas."

I walked into the laundry room and sitting to the side was a beautiful chandelier. I smiled at it. My moment was ruined when Jake followed me.

"Have you decided what you're doing outside? You remember my stepdad owns a nursery?" He said.

"Um, that's going to wait until next spring. Unless you can get me a friends and family discount." I said, dryly.

"We're friends right?"

"You tell me. I thought we were cool until you started blowing me off. I heard an interesting theory on what changed." I said, crossing my arms.

"Oh great. What Sammy have to say about it?" Jake asked, amused.

I ignored his correct assumption. "You have no interest in being my friend if you don't want to sleep with me."

"She was partially right." Jake shrugged.

I looked at him, disgusted. "You have a girlfriend! Even if you didn't, I wouldn't sleep with you!"

"I said, she was partially right.  When we first broke up, the only reason I agreed to be your friend is because I thought there was a chance of us getting back together. I don't normally stay friends with women I dated." Jake admitted.

"So don't. I'm fine with that." I bristled.

"Let me finish. When Brandon and Rocky broke up, I didn't think there was a reason for us to even be around each other. Until I found out I was dating one of your friends."

I shook my head. "Dino and I are not friends. We're more like acquaintances."

"Regardless, it was weird for me."

"Because you made it weird. I was cool about it."

"Remember Jordan calling y'all dick sisters? That was your friend." He reminded me.

I snickered. "Ex-friend. It's kinda funny when you think about it."

"It wasn't to me. At least, not at the time." Jake paused. "Look, we're gonna be around each other for at least 18 years. I know I'm going to be God Father or an uncle. You're going to be God Mother or an aunt too. That makes us family."

I shook my head. "No. I'm a second mom"

Jake smiled. "Ok. Whatever you wanna be, it would be cool if we could be friends or at least distant relatives. You know, the one's you acknowledge but don't hang out with?"

I thought about it. "Fine. I want a family discount on my backyard then."

Jake grinned. "Done. What all do you want back there?"

"A pool, an outdoor kitchen, maybe a fire pit. I haven't decided yet." I threw out there.

"Damn. I was thinking a palm tree or two."

"I'll take those too."

I spent the remainder of the day planning the kitchen and ordering supplies with Richard after Jake left. I went home and thought about picking a moving date, but I decided to put it off until after the holidays.

Sunday afternoon, Ethan arrived right on time to pick me up.

"Hey EJ! Hi Jayden!" I said, hopping in the passenger seat of Ethan's truck. I gave Ethan a smile and he nodded in return.

"Hi Lily." EJ said, excitedly.

"Hi Miss Lily. Thanks for inviting me." Jayden said politely.

"Thank EJ. He's the one that earned a great report card. Now that I know you can do it, I want the same or better on your next progress report." I smiled at him after I put on my seat belt.

"Can we got to Holiday in the Park if do?" EJ asked.

"If you don't, you can hang up going anyway besides school and back." Ethan responded.

His friend Jayden chuckled.

"Did you get all 3's too Jayden?" I put him on the spot as well.

"I'm in 4th grade. I got A's and B's." Jayden bragged.

"You got a C." EJ was quick to point out.

"In drama. It doesn't count." Jayden argued.

"Does too." EJ argued back.

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"What was Serena up to this weekend? Working?" I asked Ethan, trying to make conversation while the boys went back and forth.

"No, she was off." Ethan answered.

"She didn't want to join us?"

"No, she's not a go-kart fan."

"She's boring." EJ complained.

"I can turn the car around." Ethan warned him.

"Sorry." He grumbled unconvincingly.

The rest of the car ride was quiet. When we arrived at the amusement park, the boys jumped out the car. I already purchased passes for them so Ethan wouldn't try to pay for it. There were just tall enough to drive alone. They headed straight for the line at the first race track and Ethan and I found a spot along the railing. We spent the afternoon following them around, watching them race and have a blast. We kept things casual, mostly talking about how much EJ has grown.

Ethan bought them game cards so they could play in the arcade behind my back when I went to the restroom. I decided against playing with them and I found a table by the snack bar to talk to Ethan.

"I'm sorry if I was short with you the other day-" I started when we were alone.

"It's no problem. I know you have a lot on your plate." Ethan brushed it off

"It's no excuse so don't excuse my behavior." I told him.

"Fine...You're not forgiven?" Ethan said, questioningly.

"You can forgive me. Just wait until I apologize properly."

"Ok."

"I'm overly sensitive to the idea that I can't handle myself and I snapped at you which just proves I can't handle myself but I'm trying to change that. Anyway, I'm sorry." I finished.

"Apology accepted. For the record, I think you're doing the best you can considering everything you're handling." Ethan replied.

I smiled. "Thanks. I'm working on it."

Eventually the boys got hungry and we got ready to go. They wanted nachos so we headed over to Fuzzy's. On the drive over, Ethan turned on the radio. After hearing the slow jazz, I turned to Ethan.

"Elevator music? But we're not in a elevator..." I said, cheekily.

"It's the only thing we listen to in the car." EJ complained.

"Why?" I asked, feigning outrage.

"Tell Lily what song you were singing in the car the other day."

"Trap Queen." EJ responded.

"Hey! I like that song."

"I bet you do. Do you know what it means because he didn't." Ethan asked me.

I cleared my throat "Of course. It's a lady who likes to cook in the kitchen."

"Cook what exactly?" Ethan challenged me.

"Why, cakes and pies for Thanksgiving of course. What were you thinking?" I interrogated him.

He shoot me a look as we pulled into a parking spot at Fuzzy's. "Not Thanksgiving. That's why we listen to jazz. Nothing to misunderstand."

"There's nothing to understand at all." I argued as we made our way to the door.

"Exactly, it's all about how it makes you feel." Ethan said as he held the door open for us. I thanked him and went inside.

After dinner of huge plates of nachos and suicide sodas, we got back in the truck. On the way back to my apartment, the boys and I freestyled over the jazz music rhyming about what we're gonna eat on Thanksgiving. Even Ethan had to laugh at EJ's rhyme "to eat pie till I die."

"Thank you." The boys chorus as I got out the car.

"My pleasure! Y'all be good. Enjoy your break from school!" I told them. "Bye Ethan. Thank you for the introduction to Jazz. I really felt it- it's inspiring."

Ethan smiled "Bye Lily. Thank you for inspiring me to listen to the news on the way home."

The boys groaned and I laughed. "Hey, take it easy tonight." Ethan told me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You have plans with Amber right? Will mentioned she had been staying out late with you. Just... take care of yourself. Don't drink too much." Ethan said.

After my first therapy session, nothing sounded better than a bottle of wine to stop my rampant thoughts and numb everything out but I refrained from drinking. I hadn't been drinking nor had I been going out with Amber. Why would Will even say something like that? I wanted to correct him immediately and deny it!

I just nodded instead, promising myself I would figure out what he was talking about later. I had just enough time to shower and change before Trevor Skyped me. I picked up in a great mood...

...Until Trevor's face popped up. I froze and he broke out in a huge grin at my reaction.

"You like it?" He asked me.

"I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless." I said, moving in closer to examine his jet black hair. Clearly a wig, but it made him look so freaking different.

"Hold on a sec." He said before he disappeared. He came back a few moments later with a gray, spiky wig.

I shook my head. "No gray."

"Alright, last one." He said, going away again. He came back with a wig that was closest to his natural color, but it was in the style of a mullet.

"That's awful." I said, holding back a laugh.

"You gotta pick one."

"None."

"Which one do you hate the least?" He smiled, brightly.

I bit my lip to stop from smiling."I hate them all equally."

"You're no help Lily. I need a look for Thanksgiving." He tsked me.

"Sorry." I shrugged.

"Do you know what you're doing yet?" He asked.

"I don't know. Still working out my schedule for work." I lied. I needed more time to think about what Dr. Pereira said before I made a decision.

"Ok... we'll let me know as soon as you know. I'll get J-Mike to make you a turkey from the store."

"I wouldn't trust J-Mike to make me a glass of water."

Trevor laughed at me before Justine curled up at my feet.

"Did your doctor's tell you if they wanna do another round of chemo?" I asked.

"I have an appointment Tuesday to go over the test results, but they don't sound optimistic." He said, forlornly.

"They never do. That way they look even better when their treatments work. I do it all the time." I said trying to keep him positive.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep. Someone comes in with a broken arm, I tell them they might never walk again. Can you imagine how I look when they walk out that day?" I teased.

"I can imagine..." he said amazed and we both laughed. It felt really good to just talk and laugh with him again. It had been uneasy between us until this conversation.

"I have something I wanted to talk to you about." Trevor started when he stopped laughing.

"I'm listening." I smiled.

"I was taking to Amanda the other day and she still having trouble with her friend she's staying with."

I sighed. Amanda got in contact with her friend who lived in Dallas and spent the last few weeks putting in job interviews. I got her to open up to me a little, but she was still painfully shy. I told her to let me know if she needed a ride or even if she needed to borrow my car but I never heard from her unless I reached out to her.

"I was thinking about letting her sublet the apartment. Once you move into your house." Trevor said.

I know, it was completely pointless to hold out hope for us, he was so fucking stubborn, but a small part of me still did. A part of me hoped he would see the changes I was making and how I was being independent and doing things on my own. Maybe then he'd realize he did see a future with us together- it fucking hit me hard that he still didn't. I thought I sensed a change in his demeanor when I told him I bought a house, even though he said he was happy for me. Not only was he ok with me moving out but he wanted someone else in the space we shared. I recover quickly, hoping he didn't see the hurt, disappointment and tinge of anger I was feeling on my face.

"That's funny because I was just looking at dates to move. I could be packed up by next weekend." I said, forcing a smile on my face.

"It's no rush. Just an idea-" He said quickly.

"It's actually a great idea. Really. Um, let me call around for movers and I'll let you know."

"Lily-"

"I'll call you back." I lied, hanging up the phone. I laid on the couch and thought about how my doctor asked me if I ever told Trevor how I was feeling.

When my phone rang, I answered it- deciding to take Dr. Pereira and let him know how I felt- at least the pain and disappointment. I didn't even look at the caller. I should have.

"Lily, I really need to speak to you. It's important." A familiar voice told me over the phone.

I had to look at the number to recognize who it was. "Christian?"

"Yeah."

I took a deep breath and counted to 10, then 20. He didn't say anything, so I started. "Look, I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you the last time we talked, but my feelings are the same. I don't want anything to do with you-"

"I get that." He cut me off sharply. "Just make sure this information gets to your cousin alright?"

"What about my cousin?" I asked, my interest peaked.

"Noelle's phone was hacked. Everything has been leaked online." Christian said.

"Ok... what does that have to do with Bianca?"

"She'll know." He hung up on me before I could say another word.

November Rain

"Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one" November Rain by Guns N' Roses

"Hey ladies. Sorry I'm late. People drive like idiots in the rain." I smiled as I approached the booth Sammy, Amber and Rocky were sitting at.

"Don't be sorry. I'm glad you got here safely." Rocky said as I sat down beside Amber.

"I know. I treated at least a dozen different patients that's been in accidents these past couple of weeks. " Amber said, giving me a little hug.

"I hate the cold, but I'll take it over all this rain. It's ridiculous." Sammy complained as I grabbed a menu to look over.

"We went ahead and ordered since we both have to be at work. We all got the Wednesday special." Rocky informed me.

"Sounds good to me." I said, putting the menu down and drinking my sweet tea.

"What's new with you?" Sammy started, after I put my glass down.

"Besides the house, not much." I answered.

The week after Halloween, I finally closed on my house. Getting the keys to my house was one of my proudest moments. There was something strangely liberating about it. No matter what, the house was all mine.

"And how are the renovations going?" Amber asked, her eyebrows raising.

"They're going great. That's the one good thing about the rain. Richard's jobs had to stop, so he can spend more time on my house." I explained.

As soon as I got my keys to my place, I called Richard to see about starting the repairs on the roof. As embarrassing as it was to talk to him again after my desperate display at lunch the last time I saw him, I sucked it up because he was the only general contractor I knew. I didn't trust a stranger not to completely overcharge me. I needed to save all the money I could since I had new expenses so I took my chances and reached out to him.

Richard was willing to work with me, no questions asked. He had a roofer out the same week to start repairs. Over the past month, he walked me through everything-from picking out supplies to showing me small things I could do by myself. Dominick must have filled him in on what happened with Trevor, because he didn't even flirt with me. I was grateful for him- I definitely had more fun working on my house than the work I was doing on myself...

"How was your doctor's appointment?" I asked Rocky, trying to stay upbeat with positive news.

"It was fine. Everything's normal. The results from the diabetes test were normal. We're good." She answered, patting her bump. I swear, it appeared overnight. One day, it was flat, the next, a tiny baby bump. I fought the urge to rub her stomach- she hated it.

"Were they able to see what you are having?" Amber questioned her.

"Yes, but I don't know. Since Brandon's mom is throwing the baby shower, my mom wants to do a gender reveal party." Rocky explained.

"A what?" Sammy asked, confused.

"I don't know. My mama said she saw something- you bite into a cupcake and the filling is pink or blue. I'm just going along with it to keep the peace. It's going to be in Houston so I'll let you all know after that." Rocky said.

"Are we invited? Did you invite Forrest or is it a girl thing?" I asked, being nosy. Forrest and Rocky have been dating steadily the whole month of November. They hadn't put a label on things yet, but I was curious to how serious they were.

"If you want to come you can. It's going to be the weekend after Thanksgiving. I figured everyone was going to be doing their own thing and no I didn't invite Forrest." She gave me a look. "Do you know what you're doing for Thanksgiving?"

"No." I said plainly.

Amber had to work on Thanksgiving so her family was going to Will's sister house. Sammy was meeting Corey's family for the first time. Forrest and Rocky both invited me home with their families. Cam and Jenna were hosting at their house, but I wasn't in a good place to see my dad. Trevor let me know I was welcomed to his granny's house for Thanksgiving at the same time reminding me his mom would be there and he was inviting me as a friend only. The options made me wish I was working, but only one team lead was needed, and Dr. Clayton gave me Thanksgiving and New Years off so he could spend Christmas eve and day with his daughters. I still hadn't decide what I was going to do.

"You're not going to see Trevor?" Sammy asked me.

I shook my head at the same time I said, "I don't know." They gave each other a look. "I just-I haven't decided yet. Lots of options" I corrected myself, keeping my head still and flashing a nervous smile.

"Let me know when you do." Rocky said, reassuringly.

"Alright, what's going on with you? And don't say nothing because you've been acting weird all month. What's up? Is it Trevor?" Sammy blurted out.

"Are you dating someone? Don't be ashamed if you are." Amber added.

"What they are trying to say is that we are here for you whenever you wanna talk." Rocky sent both Sammy and Amber chilly looks.

I took a deep breath. "It's ok Rocky. They both are right. I have been weird because I'm seeing someone. I've been ashamed to tell the truth."

Sammy looked equal parts shocked and outraged. I wasn't surprised- She was team Trevor. She always asked me how Trevor was doing, when was the last time I talked to him, and praised me on how my loyalty would win out in the end. It made it impossible to talk to her about how hard it was to be Trevor's friend when she keep preaching "ride or die".

Amber looked vindicated and looked at me, expectantly. When we spoke, she always hinted about all the I was spending with Richard. She went on and on about how fine he was and what a great body he had and asked how we got along. While Richard and I did bond over our mutual love of saving money, it was all business between us. Amber was firmly on team move on and couldn't see it would take a lot more than a great body to make me get over Trevor.

Rocky was the first one to speak her mind. "You shouldn't be ashamed to tell us anything. We're always going to support you. No matter what."

Her reaction was the only one that surprised me. Every since I told her everything that happened with Trevor at Halloween, she had been strictly team me. Part of me expected her to be upset at me, Trevor or both of us for hooking up, but she wasn't. She gave me a shoulder to cry on without any judgments. I don't know why I still expected her to join a side and try to convince me it was the right choice, but her unwavering support gave me the confidence to tell them the truth.

"I'm seeing a therapist. She has been helping me deal with everything. That's what's up with me." I confessed.

"I think everyone could use therapy really. I'm all for anything that helps you heal and move on." Amber said quickly.

Sammy tilted her head at me. "What does she say about Trevor?" She winced in pain and glared at Rocky before fixing her face.

"Nothing really. We haven't got to that."  I replied.

Between my job, working out, chores, Justine, my house and mortgage payments, I could only afford to spend time and money with Dr. Pereira once a week. Almost a month of sessions and I still was focusing on my childhood. It was worth it though- I really felt better talking to her about it.

"So what do you talk about?" Amber asked, curiously.

"About my mom, my dad, things that happened when I was younger. Apparently I have a lot of stuff bottled up." I said, with a little smile. "I'm kinda focusing on myself then I'll deal with... everything else."

"I think that's great. I'm proud of you." Rocky said, nodding.

"Thanks." I said.

We finished lunch and went our separate ways. Thankfully, the storm passed and I made my way to work without dealing with the rain. I felt much better now that my friends knew I was seeing a therapist. I felt relieved they understood my choice to seek help. It didn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore.


Friday morning, I got ready for my appointment with Dr. Pereira. I picked Fridays so I would have the weekend to reflect on what we talked about. Most of the time, I wanted to spend it alone. That's why my friends hadn't been seeing as much of me. I grabbed my umbrella and left. It was cloudy with scattered showers but I held on to hope I wouldn't need it.

When I first began my appointments, I made sure I arrived right on time to avoid having to wait in the lobby.  I gotten over my embarrassment and sat in the lobby, scrolling through different wallpapers and lightening for the kitchen on my phone. That was the next step after all the flooring was complete.

"Lily." Dr. Pereira grabbed my attention before I joined her in her office. There was a couch, but I always chose the comfortable office chair. Dr. Pereira took a seat on the couch and we began as normal with her asking about my week.

"It was good. Everyone's making Thanksgiving plans for next week, but I'm not sure what I'm doing yet." I responded.

"What are some of your options?" She asked.

"I can always go home, but I'm not ready to see my dad." I started.

"Why do you feel like you're not ready?"

There were so many reasons. I hadn't spoke to him since Trevor and I broke up because I didn't want to hear I told you so from him. Now that I knew Trevor felt like he couldn't give me what I wanted, I partially blamed my dad for putting that idea in his head. Talking about Mr. Perez also made me livid at my dad and how he handled the situation. I didn't want to go home, blow up in anger, and be the squeaky wheel he couldn't fix in the family.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"What did we say about I don't know?" Dr. Pereira reminded me gently.

"It's not an honest answer. I may be conflicted or may not want to talk about it but I know how I feel. If I'm not honest, then there's no point in therapy" I repeated, for like, the hundredth time.

"Right. So how do you feel about going home?"

"I'm just going to be angry and bitter at my dad and ruin Thanksgiving." I compromised, hoping she would leave it at that.

"And why do you do you feel that way?" She probed.

I picked the only reason she knew about. "Because he left me alone with Mr. Perez and he let him get away with raping me." Dr. Pereira always referred to our relationship as rape. After realizing how he groomed me into thinking what happened between us was ok, I realized it was rape now too. It was my first time saying it out loud and tears filled up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away with no avail.

She reached over and handed me a tissue. "What are your other options?" Dr. Pereira moved on.

I answered, glad she changed subjects. "Going to my friend's mom's house in Houston. She is having a gender reveal for her baby." I said.

"How exciting." She commented.

"My friend Forrest invited me to Shreveport too."

"No wonder you can't make up your mind. So many options." She smiled.

"Yeah... My ex invited me to dinner with his family too." I said, tersely. I smiled to play it off like no big thing. She saw right though me.

"Really? Are you close to his family?"

I scoffed. "No. His mom hates me."

"Do you know why?"

I thought about last thanksgiving and what she said when we left. "Because I'm not blonde or have blue eyes or white. Three strikes."

"I see. Is that why he is your ex?"

"No. He broke up with me because he has cancer." I admitted.

"I'm so sorry to hear that. How long ago was this?"

"Um, September. But we hooked up last month-"

"Hooked up?"

"Had sex. Afterwards, he told me he feels like he has nothing to give me and he doesn't see a future with me anymore"

"I see. Is that the truth?"

"I can see why he thinks that." I avoided answering.

"Why?" She said, patiently.

I told her the story of me and Trevor. She asked a few question here and there, but mostly listened and took notes. I began at the beginning when I first met Trevor in college and how he was the first guy I was attracted to. I explained that he became my confidant even though I had a feelings for him. I relived how we supported each other when we moved together to Dallas as best friends. I was telling her about our first major falling out before I moved to California when my time ran out.

"I have another hour available." Dr. Pereira informed me.

"Um, are you sure? We never go over our time?" I pointed out.

"We never had a reason to. It's completely up to you." She said crossing her legs.

So I continued. I told her how I thought he was just protective of me before I found out he had feelings for me. Even though I felt the same, I was warily about risking our friendship because I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship. I finished, telling her how he convinced me to push those fears aside, promising he would work with me.

"You said you can see why he believes he has nothing to give you. Why is that?" Dr. Pereira redirected me.

"I treated him like a dumping ground-He just bore all my insecurities and fears while fighting for our future. He fought for me, even when I fought back every step of the way. When he got sick, he didn't even tell me he was sick, he just broke up with me. He just knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I can't convince him otherwise. Or, at least I don't know how to." I spilled.

"Have you tried making it clear he doesn't have to take care of you?" Dr. Pereira questioned me.

"Yeah, even before he got sick I told him to stop. That was one of our biggest arguments- the fact that he feels like he has to protect me from everything. It drove me crazy. Or crazier." I said, with a hint of sarcasm.

"Did he listen when you told him to stop before he got sick?"

I fidgeted. "We were working on it, but I don't blame him, it's my fault. You teach people how to treat you right? I can see why he treated me that way. That's the way it's always been- him protecting and taking care of me."

"It is up to you to set boundaries with people. It's up to them to respect them. Do you feel he respected your boundaries after you asked him to stop?" She questioned.

I stiffened. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Ok. How is your relationship with Trevor now?" She changed the subject.

It was on the tip of my tongue to say I don't know, but I thought about it truthfully. "He wants us to be friends and I'm trying. It's just-very hard for me. And I really don't know why. I swear."

She nodded. "Have you told him how you feel?"

"How can I? Nothing is as important as his health and his feelings." I responded.

"Your health and your feelings are just as important. You have to take care of yourself. You're entitled to how you feel. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean not having them- It's controlling how you react to them." She informed me.

I nodded, thoughtfully.

"I want you to think about that for our next session. How you really feel about your relationships and what you can do to set new boundaries." Dr. Pereira finished.

"Ok. I will."

"If I don't hear from you before then, Happy Thanksgiving. Make it a great one, whatever you decide to do." She told me as she walked me out.

"I will. Thank you Dr. Pereira. Happy Thanksgiving too." I told her before I left.

I retrieved my umbrella when I saw it was pouring again. If I was poetic, I might have believed all the rain was cleansing- rinsing away the old to make way for the new. I wasn't, and it fucking sucked to navigate through. I opened my umbrella and made my way to my car.





*****Sorry it's late, and that Lily might still be a wet blanket. I had to have a post to explain what she's been up to during the time jump*****