Soulmate

 

 "True love ain't something you can buy yourself
True love finally happens when you by yourself
So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself
Another round from the bottle on the higher shelf
'Cause I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
I know how to love me (Love me)
I know that I'm always gonna hold me down
(Always gonna hold me down)
Yeah, I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
No, I'm never lonely (Lonely)
(No I'm never lonely, no)
I know I'm a queen but I don't need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one" Soulmate by Lizzo

"Hey Benjamin.” I said, giving him a hug when he stood to greet us. My dad headed straight to his table, so I knew him being in the lobby when we got back to the resort was not a coincidence. "What's going on?"  I pondered out loud, looking between my dad and my cousin, concerned.

"I'm not sure.” Benjamin looked over at my dad, expectantly. “Carlos asked me to meet you both here."

"Let's sit down and I’ll explain." Dad instructed us, pulling out a chair for me. I tied Justine’s leash to the leg of my chair before taking a seat. Once I had Justine settled, I looked to my dad for him to start. "I'm sorry about the timing of this, but I wanted to talk to you both in person." He began.

I tried my best to stay impartial, but I was worried and confused all at the same time. I kept my questions to myself and let him talk.

"I wrote to Paula to asked if she would speak to me. She responded.” He finally stated.

“She did?” I stared at my dad, perplexed that he reached out to my biological mother.

“Yes." He confirmed. "She still does not want any contact with anyone else in her family, but she did write a letter explaining why.” My dad took out a folded letter from the front compartment of his overnight bag. He separated two pieces of paper and slid one to both of us.

 Benjamin picked up his copy immediately, but I continued to stare at my dad. He surveyed me, only breaking eye contact when Benjamin opened the letter. “I tried to reach out to your mother to see if she could corroborate anything in the letter-" He started to inform Benjamin.

"She refused?" Benjamin interrupted.

My dad nodded solemnly. “She wouldn’t even read the letter.”

 "I’m not surprised." Benjamin replied. “For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth-“

“And the former things will not be remembered or come to mind.” I finished with Benjamin. This was one of Patty’s favorite bible verses. I heard it repeatedly when I asked about Paula. When my dad looked for an explanation, I said. “She never wanted to talk about the past. She believes God has a purpose for us so it’s better to surrender to His will than dwell on the past.”

Dad did not comment on that. “Read the letter; we’ll go from there.”

I looked down at it, making sure I had reign of my emotions before picking it up. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel anything but confusion. I didn’t understand why or why now my dad decided to reach out to the woman who gave birth to me. That was more important to me than whatever the letter said. “Can we talk for a moment dad?” I asked, standing up. Benjamin already picked his copy of the letter up and was reading intently. He didn’t even realize my dad and I stepped away for privacy.

“Why? Why did you reach out to her? You always told me the best thing she did was leave my life. Why would you do this now after all this time?”

 “Because it wasn’t my decision.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was never my decision to make. I decided you were better without her. My mother raised me on her own with nothing; I thought I could do better with you. I was wrong.”

I looked at him, somberly. “You realize it was nothing you did or didn’t do right? I had nothing but insecurities since Paula left me. It’s part of the reason I was so desperate to find her. I believed knowing why she left would magically heal me.”

"And I believed if I gave you a stable life and opportunities, you wouldn’t need anything else. I didn't want any help, didn’t think I needed help. Even after..." he stopped, like the words were too hard to say. He looked away, in shame. I only saw that look from him one other time. Bile rose to my throat just like it did back then. I knew he was thinking about Mr. Perez.

“We don’t have to talk about this Dad.” I replied, softly.

He finally looked up at me, his face ashen. “We do. We should have talked about this a long time ago. I should have known.”

In that moment, I realized his shame back then was not because of me, but in himself. "Dad, he was a predator. He knew exactly what he was doing. He constantly tested my limits to see if I would keep small secrets from you. Eventually, the secrets grew bigger and bigger and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I blamed myself, I never blamed you.” I finished.

"I brought him into our lives. I should have protected you. It was my fault.”

I shook my head, sadly. We both carried guilt that only Mr. Perez deserved. "I thought you blamed me. I felt like you didn't care about me anymore. I overate, stayed in my room all the time and you said nothing. Cam asked about my grades at that point more than you did. I thought you were shutting me out because you blamed me. "

“No Lilian. You refused to talk about what happened. You kept begging me not to kick you out. I decided it would be best to remove him from our life permanently and move forward. I convinced myself I could fix it by backing off and not putting any more pressure on you. I didn’t realize how wrong I handled everything until Amelia pointed it out. When you left California, she told me I should be grateful if you and Cam ever speak to me again.”

“You told her?”  I said, stunned that not only did my dad confide in his friend’s ex-wife and co-founder of the foundation, but she was so harsh with him.

He nodded. “She helped me handle him and even offered to speak to you, but I already decided to move forward. I should have tried harder to talk to you: to figure out what you needed instead of doing what I thought was best.  I’m sorry I didn’t before. I promise I will do that from now on. That’s why I reached out to Paula because it is what you need. ”

It took therapy to come to terms that my dad could only do the best he knew how to do. I already forgiven him, but it was different hearing him say it. “Thank you, Dad. Thank you for reaching out, but I don’t need to talk to her anymore.”

“No, I don’t want you to have any doubts or insecurities anymore. If answers will help you-“ He started.

“They won’t.” I stopped him. “I had to deal with my insecurities on my own. Her story doesn’t change that. Her reasons are her reasons. I’m just forever grateful that she gave me to you-“ I paused, before I became overwhelmed with emotions.

“I’m grateful too.” My dad said, putting his arms around me in a hug.

 

Once I gathered myself, we made our way back to the table. I was tempted to rip up the letter and declare I knew my family and Paula wasn’t part of it. The best mothering she did was give me up for adoption. Anything that happened before that point didn’t matter. When we rejoined Benjamin, he was staring off into the distance. Once he noticed us, he analyzed my face like he was trying to find a hidden answer. It concerned me that he read the letter, but still had questions in his eyes. I knew I had to read the letter for Benjamin’s sake. He pushed for this harder than me at times. I may not remember Paula being my mother, but Benjamin remembered his aunt. He had fond memories of her. He had no idea why she left. It was a part of his childhood that he was trying to figure out. I would do whatever I could to help him. I unfolded the letter and began to read.

 

Dear Carlos, 

I was tempted to send you the same letter I sent her. I stopped thinking about her as my daughter a long time ago. I thought it was best to bury the truth for her to have a happy life. But you are right, what we think is best is not necessarily best for everyone. I know that better than anyone. Most of my mistakes stem from trying to fight what others thought was best for me. If you believe Lilian hearing the truth will help her, I will share it.

I was 15 when my mother passed away. My dad was helpless with his grief and my sister moved back in with us with her family. She thought it would be best to help my dad and to mother me. I felt nothing but resentment for her: my mother was gone and I didn’t want her to take her place. When my dad's health started to deteriorate, that resentment turned to hate. I blamed her. I felt like her presence was the reason my dad stopped trying. He was content in his grief and dying because Patricia was there to take care of me. So, I rebelled.  I barely graduated high school, I stayed out all night, I drank, I did drugs, everything she told me not to. Everything I could to upset her.. That included sleeping with her husband.

I momentarily stopped reading when my stomach churned full of dread. I looked over at Benjamin, who was still studying me. I knew what he was thinking: the similarities in our face. Were they just from our maternal side? Or was there more?...

I took a calming breath before I continued reading.

It happened once, and I was sleeping with other men, but I knew there was a chance I was pregnant when we met. You were my escape plan. I could get you to pay for an abortion and move on with my life. My sister found out I was pregnant and told my dad. He would not allow an abortion. He demanded to know who the father was, so I told him it was you. One of the last things he said to me was how if my mother was alive, I would break her heart. When Lilian was born, I couldn’t stand to look at her. I left her with Patty all the time. I continued to drink and do drugs. After one too many nights of partying, Patty told me I needed to grow up and be a mother to my child. I told her to raise it since it was her husband's child.

I don't know if he confessed or if Patty finally saw the truth, but she kicked Ben out. I thought she would kick me out too. I don’t know if it was obligation or love or the money you sent, but she didn’t. She worked nonstop to keep the house my mom adored and my dad worked himself to death to provide for us. It pushed me out of my path of self-destruction and into trying to build a life for myself. I was never a caregiver, but I did my best with the kids during the day while Patty worked. I went to night school and worked on the weekends while Patty watched the kids. We were never close, but we coexisted enough for it to work. I was a semester away from graduating, finally planning a future for myself and Lilian when Patty brought Ben back in the house. She was pregnant and said it was a sign for them to be a family again. I was furious. We were a family, but not with him in it. He brought chaos back in the house. He pitted Patty and me against each other so he could go back to what he had before: a wife to cook and clean for him and her sister as his mistress. When I refused him, he threatened to tell the truth about Lilian and claim her as his. I couldn't stay in that household any longer. That’s why I came to you to take her.

I should have told you the truth, but I was terrified that Ben would make good on his threats. Even if she wasn’t Ben’s, her father was some random nobody who I couldn’t remember their name or face. I remember thinking back then that the world would be a better place without me, but I couldn’t leave Lilian alone to suffer. While I never wanted her, I couldn't risk Ben, or my overzealous sister who would stand by him no matter what he did, getting custody of her. You saved both our lives when you still wanted to adopt her after the DNA test. The only thing that gave me any solace was that you adopted her and Ben nor Patty had the finances to try to take her from you.

I hope this answers the questions that she has. I gave her the name Lillian after the artist Liliana Lime. My father would always bring home her faceless dolls for my mother when he came back from the Dominican Republic . I found them to be creepy until she explained that the dolls had no faces because Dominican people, all people, were so diverse, it was best to judge off character and actions than on appearance. My only hope when Lilian was born was that would be true for her. That her parentage, my past and mistakes wouldn’t matter. From what you write in your letter, it sounds like everything worked out the way it should. Digging in the past does nothing but open old wounds that probably never healed. The best thing she can do for herself is to live her life. Let nothing define her besides her character and actions.

Paula

 

I put the letter down, silent tears streaming from my face. My dad handed me a Kleenex and I dab my eyes, refusing to look up. Paula was right; Digging into my past not only opened old wounds but caused new ones. Benjamin, Bianca and Brittany's father might be my father too? Aunt Patty knew the whole time? And if he wasn’t my father, it was some random nobody. I honestly didn’t know which one was worse.

When I finally looked up, Dad and Benjamin were both watching me.

"Did your father ever mention anything about Paula… or me?” I asked.

He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "No, but he is a classic narcissist. He would never take responsibility or admit his faults. Half the people in his life don’t even know he has an ex-wife or kids.”

"Do you have any recollections as far as what happened back then?" My dad asked.

"I remember my dad moving out the first time. I was around 12 or 13 and my mom said he wasn't following God's law. I assumed it was because he drank and smoked all the time. When he moved back in, mom was pregnant with Bianca." Benjamin said heavily.

“How did Paula react to him moving back in?” My dad responded.

"I can't say. There were so many fights between my mom and Paula back then, none of them really stand out. Even after my dad moved out the first time, it was either silence or blowups between them. Then shortly after my dad moved back in, you and your mom were gone. I never even thought about it until you came back in our lives. The family started questioning why Paula didn't let Mom raise you and cut the entire family off. My mom buried her head in the sand and pretended nothing was amiss. Even if I showed her this letter, I don’t think she would confirm or deny it.”

"There is only one way to get the truth. A DNA test." My dad stated.

I winced at the thought of it. "Would your dad consent to one? Taking a test would basically admit he slept with Paula.”

Benjamin shrugged.  “We don't need him to find out the truth. We can do a test to see if we have the same father." He suggested.

I shook my head. "This... is a lot. I need some time to process everything."

"I understand." Benjamin said disappointed, but I couldn't help how I felt.

"I'm sorry... I need to go to my room." I said standing.

"Let me walk you-" My dad offered.

"No. Please. I just need to be alone." I said, sharply, grabbing Justine and my bag. I quickly made my way to my room. Once inside, I opened the balcony and took a quick shower before running a hot bath in the jacuzzi tub.  As I relaxed in the tub, I waited for the tears to fall, but none came. I wasn’t trying to push my feelings away or hold it together. I wasn’t numb to what I just learned: I felt a sense of sadness for Paula and Patty. They both lost their mother and father relatively young and instead of grieving together, they pushed each other away. My mother was so resentful and callous that she slept with her sister’s husband. Aunt Patty was so insecure and prideful that she stayed with a man that betrayed her with her sister. As tragic as their story was, that’s exactly what it was: Their story. It had nothing to do with me. Maybe their choices led to me being born, but it wasn’t my story. Paula made sure it wouldn’t be when she let my adopted dad raise me. The only overwhelming emotion I felt was gratitude. And a little guilt. I got out of that toxic environment. Benjamin, Brittany and Bianca did not…

I shook the thought out of my head, letting go of that guilt. Just like Paula wrote, the best thing I could do was live my life, not live in the shadows of other people’s mistakes. I couldn’t carry the guilt of other people’s actions. Once the water turned tepid, I drained the bath. Clad in a fresh bath towel, I sat on the bed, looking at the time. It was still early in the evening, but I wasn’t hungry or particularly tired. I changed into pajamas and relaxed in bed, petting Justine until exhaustion finally caught up with me.

 

I woke up the next morning, insanely early but completely refreshed and my heart and my mind in agreement about what I wanted to do. I texted Benjamin first thing, knowing he and Sandra had an early flight home. I asked him what time he was planning to leave and we planned to meet up. We met in the lobby and I hugged both him and Sandra goodbye.

When I pulled away from my hug with Benjamin, I looked him in the eye. “I’m in. Whatever you want to do, let me know what you need from me.”

He looked surprised but nodded. “Ok. I will make the arrangements and be in touch. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.” I told him, with a sincere smile. Sandra gave me another deep hug, squeezing me tight and thanking me too.

“I’ll see you soon.” I told them both.

“Christmas for sure!” Sandra beamed, before they left.

 

Instead of heading back to my room, I went to the concierge and arranged for a taxi. In less than 10 minutes, Justine and I were on the way to a Flea Market on the beach I visited when I went ATVing. I picked up souvenirs for everyone in Santo Domingo, but now I wanted a few things for myself. I was completing my purchase when my dad called me. I told him exactly where I was and promised we would meet up the moment I got back to the resort. I had given Justine water and was pulling out my phone to call a taxi when I noticed a tattoo shop. I was looking at the designs in the window when an older woman asked me what I was interested in. I showed her the faceless doll I just purchased. About 45 minutes later, I was walking out the shop with a small, but sore tattoo covered up on my chest, above my heart. I called my dad before I got into a taxi heading back to the resort. He met me and Justine at the lobby and we walked to my room. On the way, I gave him a brief rundown of my morning.

“I told Benjamin I would take the DNA test. I think it will answer a lot of questions for him. Either way it goes, he deserves to know the truth.” I revealed once we got to my room.

“You deserve the truth as well.” My dad added. “And if Benjamin Senior is not your biological father, I will do whatever I can to help you find him.”

I took a moment before I responded. “You know what’s weird? Whenever I thought about my mom, I never imagined my biological father. He was never in any fantasy I had about reuniting with her.”

“You never wondered who it was?”

“No. As an adult, I realized he didn’t care or was irresponsible as fuck to not even know he had a kid. But I don’t ever remember as a kid wondering about him. I still don’t care to know him.” I chuckled, humorlessly.

I glanced over at him, knowing he must have been deep in thought if he didn’t reprimand me for my language.

“And also, I didn’t want another dad. I just wanted you to love me as your daughter.” I confessed.

“I always did.” He swore.

“I know. That’s why the results won’t mean anything to me. I already know the truth. You have your family by blood and family by choice. Thank you for choosing to be my dad.”

“It never was a choice. No matter what, you’ve always been my daughter. I’m proud of you.”

“Yeah, I’m proud of me too.” I smiled. “Wow, that sounded arrogant huh?”

“Not at all, but you must have been feeling real arrogant to travel outside the resort alone without telling me.” He mildly scolded me.

I chuckled. “I am my father’s daughter. Proud, arrogant, stubborn-”

“Alright. That’s enough.” He said, sternly, causing me to laugh harder.

 

 

We separated for dinner when I told him he should spend the rest of his time doing newlywed stuff with his wife. I gave him suggestions that was the perfect amount of awkward and inappropriate that he hushed me and went on his way. After a quick nap, I joined Cam and Jenna for dinner. They knew something was going on with me and dad when he didn’t freak out about me leaving the resort, so I filled them in. They both comforted me and wanted to make sure I was ok, but I could tell Cam was disturbed by this revelation, especially when I told him I agreed to the DNA test. I told him the same thing I told dad about it being for Benjamin, not me. He still seemed perturbed, but we put it out of our mind in favor of a great meal and enjoying our last night. We went to the night club after dinner and had a few drinks before dancing the night away. I sometimes dance with Jenna or Cam or with a random stranger. When my dance partner’s hand moved way too low on my back, before I could even step away, my brother stepped in. I rolled my eyes as he had a few words with the random guy before turning to me.

“I never wanted a brother until I met you. You are the best big brother a girl can ask for.” I said, throwing my arms around him in a hug. He smiled, and hugged me back, until I gasped in pain- forgetting my sore chest.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! Just my tattoo.” I explained.

“Tattoo?” he smirked. I just smiled and pulled Jenna to dance with him. I twirled away, dancing alone the rest of the night and having an incredible time.

The next morning, my phone ringing woke me up. I was shocked to see it was already 10am. I answered my phone and accepted dad’s request to join them for breakfast before we all headed home. During breakfast with my dad, Beatrice, Cam and Jenna, I could not help being sadden that we were going our separate ways. I savored every moment of us hanging out together.

“So Carlos told me you were interested in the foundation?” Beatrice said, her eyes shimmering with excitement. 

I looked at my dad. “Alex told you?”

“No, you did. Yesterday. You thought I was trying to offer you a job. Why would you think that?” Dad furrowed his eyebrows.

“Umm… The other night I mentioned to Alex I will be resigning, and he thought I might be a good fit in the foundation.”

“You're resigning?” My dad started.

“You decided?” Cam asked at the same time.

“Yes and yes. My job offered me a promotion that will be a more managerial role and will take me away from physical therapy. So, instead of taking a job that I would hate, I decided to resign and spend some time discovering what I am truly passionate about. I love the work the foundation does, so I am considering looking into community and social services careers, maybe taking some classes to learn more.”

“The best education you could get would be on the job. You can come to California and spend time at the foundation.” My dad offered.

“I have a few things to consider, but I will keep that in mind.” I said, noncommittally.

“If you move back to California, would you stay with me or Dad?” Cam grinned, stirring the pot

“Staying with you is not an option. You two are trying for a baby. You’ll need the extra space.” My dad took the bait.

“We have plenty of space. Besides, you two are newlyweds. The first year is the hardest, especially since you never lived together.” My brother countered.

“For you young people maybe. Me and Beatrice are way past that.” Dad pointed out.

“Hey!” Beatrice injected, slighted.

“Honeymoon over already huh?” Jenna joked and Beatrice and I laughed

“Guys, it’s only an option! I’m keeping all my options open. As soon as I decide anything, I will let you know.” I shook my head with a smile.

We all headed to the airport together before splitting up to our respected terminals. When we said our goodbyes, I couldn’t help getting misty eyed. With my job situation undetermined, it was impossible to make plans as far as when I would see them again. It could be the first holiday Beatrice and Dad host as a married couple. It could be a baby shower for Jenna and Cam. I hugged everyone extra tight, tattoo pain be dammed. I pulled my dad to the side before they left.

“Hey Dad? Can I see the letter you sent Paula?”

“The letter?”

“Yes, the one she responded to. I’m curious to read it if that’s ok.”

“Of course. I’ll email it to you once we get settled.”

“Sounds good. Love you dad.” I said, embracing him one more time.

“Love you too Lilian.” Dad responded. I knew with 100% certainty that he meant it unconditionally. As sad as it was, I never felt that way before. I never felt that way with anyone. Now, I felt an abundance of love from him, my family and most importantly, myself.

 

As I waited for my plane to board, I scrolled through my social media. Bianca posted photos of our improvised photoshoot at the beach that she tagged me in. I ignored all the comments and likes and examined the picture of us together. I always marveled at how much we looked alike, but now I couldn’t help but wonder if that was because we shared more genes then we realized. Those thoughts aside, I posted a picture of me and Bianca laughing and making ridiculous poses on the boat to swim with sharks. I captioned it:

Us without the good angles and lighting.

Bianca replied right away:

…and a bottle of Dominican rum! 😂 Love you cuz!

 

I commented that I loved her too before responding to more comments and posting my favorite pictures from the trip. I was reminded about Amber’s get together on Sunday with a group event to her “Single as A Dollar Bill” party. I responded that I was coming, even though I still wasn’t feeling the event and the theme seemed immature, especially for someone technically still married. I put my ill feelings and phone away once it was time to board. I slept most of the flight. Once I arrived back in Dallas, I got an Uber to take me and Justine home. I sent a text to my dad and brother that I made it home. I abandoned my bags in the living room before opening the door to let Justine out to the patio. I set out some food and water for her before I joined her. While I watched her run around, I drafted a resignation notice for my job. I wanted to give Dr. Fahri as much time to find my replacement. I hoped he would consider my recommendation for Dr. Goodman that I included. Once Justine was tired out and fed, I unpacked my bags and separated my souvenirs. Afterwards, I planned the rest of my week before going to bed.

 

 

The next morning, I woke up bright and early, ready to conquer my day. I knew Dr. Fahri would be at the office, so I went there first to rip off the Band-Aid. I was confident in my decision, but I wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. I went into the team lead office and handed him my resignation. He didn’t even read it; he looked up at me.

“You’re leaving?” He asked, setting the letter aside.

“Yes, I appreciate the opportunity and your confidence in me-“ I began but he waved me off.

“Why? Do you have a better offer? We can negotiate.” He bargained before listening to me.

“No. I have no other options. The reason why I left my last job was because I wanted a challenge. I was hoping taking on more responsibilities would help, but I’ve learned I’m not suited for managerial work. I decided it would be best for me to leave all together and find out what I am passionate about.”

He looked at me even more confused but blinked it away.

“How long are you giving us?” He asked

“As long as you need to find someone to take the role. I assumed that would be October, but I am prepared to stay longer if needed. I do hope you consider my recommendation of Dr. Goodman. He has the experience, the know-how, and the drive. He’s always willing to listen and step up without having to be asked. I think he would be amazing as team lead.

“Ok. Thank you for your time.” He said, dismissively.

 I was sure what I said went in one ear and out the other. That was why I made sure to send a copy of my resignation and recommendation to Dr. Tran. I left the facility and headed to Monica’s job. I sent her a text letting her know I was on the way so she met me outside by her car. I originally planned to give it to her at the single’s party, but Trent’s sister arrived in town unexpectedly, so they were having a family dinner with her in laws. I gave her a Punta Cana tote bag and a shark amulet for Trent.

“I know how much you like authentic swag. This is a homemade, designer bag straight from the Dominican Republic and that is a shark tooth for Trent. Shark energy has good luck. Tell him it might help the Mavericks.”

Monica busted out laughing, like I knew she would. “Both thoughtful and petty: Only you would give shady gifts.”

“I do what I can.” I smiled at her. She then told me they were going out with friends Saturday night and  invited me to join since I wouldn’t be seeing her at the party. I told her I would before she had to go back to work.

I headed to Amber’s and Sammy’s place next. It was her off day, but I wanted to catch her before she had to pick up the kids at their respective camps. I gifted Krista and April jewelry made from locally mined larimar stone and Robbie a stuffed toy parrot that said a few cute phrases in Spanish when you squeezed. Amber set aside the hand painted plate and bowl I picked out for her and started to rattle on about the party on Sunday. She asked me what all green outfit I was planning on wearing, if I was bringing anyone and if I wanted to spend the night. I told her I didn’t realize we were wearing green, Monica wasn’t coming and I wasn’t planning on drinking so I would head home.

“I don’t care about Monica. I’m talking about a guy friend?” Amber pouted.

“Uh… no. Maybe Forrest but I don’t know if he will want to come-“

“No, not Forrest. A guy for you. Who are you talking to right now?”

“No one.” I said, gathering my things to leave.

“Ok, well if that’s true, I invited some guys from my job-“

I let her go on as I placed Sammy’s white Hennessey and shot glass and Amanda’s Dominican spices and extracts and apron in Sammy’s room. Sammy was working and Amanda hadn’t responded about going to the party on Facebook, but I was sure Sammy would see her before I would. After leaving Amber, I drove to see Forrest.  I gave him Dominican Cigars and the rum to pair it with. We sat on his porch and I passed on what I learned about cigar smoking and rum on my trip while he sampled both. We caught up with each other and it was a little superficial. I told him about leaving my job, he told me about the new school year. I no longer felt a distance between us. I was so glad we were moving pass the weirdness with Rocky. I invited him to the party and he told me he would get back to me.

I picked up lunch and drove to Rocky’s house. After we ate, I gave her a collection of all-natural cocoa butter products, including a shampoo, body soap, lotion and lip balm. She used cocoa butter lotion for stretch marks during her pregnancy and I knew she enjoyed the smell.

“Not me. Forrest loved the smell. He said I smelled like cookies.” Rocky corrected me, with a soft smile.

Part of me wanted to tell her to reach out to him and figure their relationship out! But I knew from personal experience she had to be good on her own, including resolving any feelings from past relationships. I changed the subject by pulling out a onesie with the Dominican flag for baby Ace and a matching fedora. She then showed me some of the proofs from the photoshoot she had with Ace and Brandon. They were beautiful; Ace looked so alert and adorable. He was the perfect blend of his parents. Rocky and Brandon look great as well. They both gazed adoringly at Ace and occasionally, at each other. After seeing the pictures, it just confirmed she still needed time to sort through her feelings. I was so glad I didn’t mention working things out with Forrest.

“We should have the finished prints on Saturday. Brandon got a canvas made and were going to show his parents on Sunday. Deborah is hosting a big back to school/end of summer dinner for the family. Do you want to come to?”

“No. Amber is having her party on Sunday. I guess you’re not going?” I asked.

“Oh, I forgot all about that. Probably not. I thought she was moving this weekend?”

“I saw Amber today- she talked more about the party than the logistics of splitting up with Will.” I admitted.

“If you didn’t have plans, are you okay to be around Ethan?” She asked me concerned.

“I believe so. We talked a little while I was in the Dominican Republic. I’m actually going over there this evening to have a talk with EJ.” I started, before I explained to her EJ’s anger and lashing out over the phone about our breakup.  

“When I finished, she shook her head, upset. “Why would you tell a kid that? Even if it was the truth, it’s completely inappropriate to involve him in adult relationships.”

“Right? I think it was Megan. And even if he just overheard it, why does she talk about me anyway? Her energy is always weird around me. I never understood it.” Rocky gave me a “come on” look, which I returned with confusion. “What? I really have no idea what I’ve done to her. Besides date Ethan- she had no problems with his other exes.”

Rocky took a moment before she spoke. “As someone who now shares a child with an ex-fiancé that I cheated on, I can understand how Megan feels. It’s gonna be hard enough when Brandon starts dating again.” Rocky sighed, heavily. “Now, add the fact that Megan inadvertently introduced you to Ethan. It’s the situation, not that you did anything to her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to tighten up and watch what she says when EJ is around, but I can get her not wanting Ethan to date you.”   

I thought it over. I could acknowledge it was hard for her. At the same time, there was nothing I could do about how I met either one of them and I wouldn’t take it back either. “I guess I can understand that. I can keep that in mind in my future dealings with her.”

“That’s the way to be the bigger person.” Rocky praised me.

“Yeah, it sucks.” I pouted.

Rocky smirked. “Would putting Ace’s outfit on him make you feel better?”

I grinned. “Very much.”

We laughed and put Ace’s new outfit on. I spent way too much time taking pictures and videos and uploading them to my social media. I lost track of time until Ethan texted me. I was going to his house last as Megan was supposed to drop EJ off at Ethan’s house once Ethan got off from work. I texted him earlier in the day to let me know what time I should come over.

Ethan: We are home. Are you available now?

Me: Yes, on my way

I gave Ace a snuggle and a kiss and Rocky a hug before I left.

 

I arrived at Ethan’s house, gift bag in hand. I was nervous, but only because we had to have a talk with EJ. He never responded to my text, so I didn’t know how upset he still was and how to go about fixing our relationship. I knocked on the door and waited. Ethan stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

I took the opportunity to look him over quickly. Same dark eyes, hair and skin. Broad shoulders and defined arms on display in a plain blue t-shirt. Loose jeans so I could barely make out his toned thighs…

Yep, still insanely attractive. “Hey…” I greeted, looking him in the eyes.

“I wanted to let you know I did speak to EJ earlier.” He said, quickly.

“I thought we were going to talk to him together.”

“We will, I needed to know who he was repeating. If it was Megan, I was going to speak to her when she dropped EJ off.”

“Oh… how’d did that go?” I asked.

“It didn’t. He heard it from Krista. Some time last week during their day camp, she teased him about it. I asked Will, but he had no idea.”

“Of course not. It was Amber.” I said, annoyed. I knew without a doubt it was her, she was more invested in Christian and me than I ever was. Why she chose to have a conversation about my relationship in earshot of her kids was the only thing that baffled me. I took a deep, calming breath. “I’ll talk to her. I don’t know if it will help, but I will.”

“Ok.”

“Damn, I feel like I owe Megan an apology. I was like 95% sure she said something.”

“Me too. I told her about it after I talked to EJ and she was not happy. She could tell something was wrong with him and wished I would have told her.”

“I wish I could clear the air with her. I want to be able to talk to her with no weirdness.” I mused out loud.

“It’s weird between you two?”

“A little. I always thought she didn’t like me, but I think it’s weird for her to be around me. I’m like a walking, talking reminder of her fuck ups.” I smiled, wryly.   

He grimaced. “I never thought about it like that.”

“Me neither.” I shrugged. “Rocky enlightened me.”

“Ouch.”

I smiled again. “No, she was really nice about it. She can relate to Megan now and I empathize with that. Now I feel really bad about automatically thinking she somehow told EJ instead of talking to her.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, thanks to you pointing out how I treat her, I talked to her like a friend and not a subordinate that had my kid.” He quoted me. “We both are going to do better as far as communicating with one another. It was a good talk.”

“That does make me feel better. Thank you.”

“You ready to have a talk with EJ?” He said, opening the door for me.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I sighed.

We walked into the living room together. EJ was sitting on the couch, looking as uncertain as I felt.

“Hey EJ.” I said, smiling at him to try to put him in ease.

“Hey.” He said, standing up to allow me to hug him. I sat down on the couch next to him. Only because I was watching him, I saw Ethan hesitate before sitting next to me.

 “So how was Florida? Did you enjoy Disney World?” I asked.

He answered all my questions, but I could feel how uncomfortable he was. He looked over at Ethan before he spoke to me. Even when he was weirded out about Ethan and I dating, he was never reserved or uncomfortable expressing himself to me. I hated how uneasy he seemed around me. It was crushing.

There was a break in conversation, when I looked over at Ethan, needing him to lead the talk. Before Ethan could speak, EJ finally looked up at me. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Ethan prompted him.

“Being rude and yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that.” EJ elaborated, avoiding my eyes.

I took his hand instead. “Thank you for apologizing EJ. In the future, I want you to talk to me. You can always talk to me about anything. I may not be able to tell you; somethings are adult issues that you don’t need to worry about. I will never lie to you though.” I promised him.

“OK. I’m sorry for calling you a liar.”

“I accept your apology.” I smiled at him, giving him another hug.  “Now tell me what you really thought of Disney World? Was it for babies and girls like the movies?” I teased him with his own critiques of Disney movies.

“No! It was cool.” EJ finally smiled at me. He asked his dad if he can get his laptop to show me his videos. Once Ethan agreed, he hopped up to go get it. He showed me his numerous videos and photos of rides and attraction, a few pictures with characters his mom forced him to take, the firework display, the beach and the resort suite they stayed in. I still felt a little of his discomfort, like he was careful of how he spoke to me. I didn’t let it bother me. I knew we would eventually rebuild our relationship, with me being an adult guidance in his life and not just a friend. I pulled out my gift bag and showed him all the authentic Dominican Republic snacks and treats I brought back for him. He thanked me profusely and asked Ethan if he could invite Jayden to his Grandparent’s house over the weekend so he can film a new video. When Ethan agreed, he jumped up to get his phone and call Jayden.

After he left the room, Ethan cleared his throat, one of his few nervous tells. “This weekend I invited Will and his kids to my parent’s place to go swimming. We’ll probably do pizza Saturday night and my mom is going to cook on Sunday. You are welcomed to come.”

I smiled at him, genuinely. “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to spend some time with Monica and Amber is having a party on Sunday. Hopefully, I can talk to her then.”

“Sounds good.” He said, looking like he wanted to say more, but didn’t.

“What is it?“ I asked, concerned.

“Nothing.”

I looked at him skeptically, before he spoke up.

“I wanted to ask if you know what’s going on with Amber? That’s the real reason Will is getting the kids out the house so he can try to talk to her while she moves out. I’m only hearing Will’s side of everything, but he really doesn’t know what to do. I know it’s unfair to ask or to put you in that position, but that’s what’s on my mind.”

“I couldn’t answer if I wanted to. I have no idea. But, your right. I plan to stay completely out of their divorce. I will let you know if I have any concerns about the kids. I won’t stay neutral about that.”

“I’ll do the same.” He agreed, standing up. I stood up too, pulling my last gift out of the bag.

“You didn’t think I forgot your souvenir, did you?”

“I hoped so.” He said, taking the bag from me. He reached into the bag and pulled out the Lime doll. This one had dark skin, a yellow and white striped dress and matching hat and was holding a single lily. I originally picked her out for me, as I already gotten Ethan a figurine of a turtle. As I already had the image of the doll tattooed on my chest, I decided to give it to Ethan instead.

He studied it, curiously for a moment. “It’s not an animal.”

“No, I decided to switch up this time.” I said simply.

He traced his finger over the lily before meeting my eyes. “No story behind this one?”

“Nope. What you see is what you get.” I answered.

He nodded. “Understood. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I hugged him and EJ goodbye before I left.

 

Friday, I made myself breakfast before going to a boxing class. I then went grocery shopping. Once I was home and had everything put away, I tried to give Amber a call. I was hoping she was still awake as she was off on Thursday, but one look at social media confirmed she was out late Thursday night.  I really wanted to talk to her before the party, but worst-case scenario, I planned to get there early to talk. I pulled up my laptop and began researching into career options. I found out what type of education I might need to work in community and social services, what skill sets were useful, and what the job outlook was. I crossed referenced what I found with the website for my dad’s foundation and came up with a good starting list of questions. I emailed them to Alex before I updated my resume and browsed a few career building websites to see if anything interesting pulled up with physical therapy. I was emailing Derek, my old boss who was now a physical therapist director for a children’s hospital, to ask about his career path when I saw Alex emailed me back.

Lily,

Here’s my number. Give me a call when you’re available so we can talk.

I rolled my eyes but gave him a call. He answered all my questions and went into great details of what he saw for the future of Un Flaisito al Catche, which included expanding the board, increasing their funds and of course, opening more locations. He mentioned he would be between California and the Dominican Republic for the next 6 months as three new centers where already in progress. He offered for me to shadow him for a week or so in California. I was sure he spoke to my dad because he suggested the same thing. I told him the same thing I told my dad: I would keep it in mind. I was searching for other nonprofits in the Dallas area when Forrest texted me.

Forrest: You planning on drinking at this party? You want me to drive?

Me: Not enough to need a designated driver. You know Rocky is not coming right?

Forrest: I heard. We still cool to hang out?

Me: Of course!!! I just wanted to make sure. I don’t even know how long I’m gonna stay at the party to be honest. You wanna hang out tomorrow too? I’m getting dinner with Monica and her friends. It’ll be sophisticated fun

Forrest: Sure, if you explain why you don’t even want to go to this party.

Me: Deal. If you drive tomorrow, I’ll drive Sunday. I bought White Hennessy back that I want you to try.

Forrest: Just let me know what time

 

Saturday, I spent doing laundry and preparing to go out. After folding and putting away my clothes, I picked out my outfits. For dinner with Monica’s friend, I chose the outfit that Bianca wanted me to wear to the rehearsal dinner: a navy wraparound halter top and matching high waisted pants. For Sunday, I picked a camouflage hoodie and black distressed short shorts. Both were comfortable and cute and covered my new tattoo that I was keeping moisturized with Vaseline and out of the sun. I took a shower and washed, blow dried and straightened my hair. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun, pulling out strands to frame my face and curl like Beatrice did on my hair in Vegas. I kept my makeup simple with a tinted moisturizer, concealer, mascara and a mauve lip balm. I was in the middle of applying a shimmering body spray on my legs and arms when my phone rang.  I saw it was Monica and I turned down my music to answer on speaker phone.

“Hey girl. I’m finishing up getting ready. I should be heading out in 15 minutes.”

“So you are still planning to come?” Monica asked, quizzingly.

“Yeah… Forrest is coming too. He should be on his way to pick me up If I’m still invited.” I said, concerned by her tone.

“Of course you are but I just found out Uriel is coming. He originally wasn’t, but his plans changed.” Monica informed me. “I still want you to come but I wanted to give you a heads up just in case you don’t want to see him.”

“Yeah, I still want to come. I want to hang at with you and everyone. Uriel doesn’t affect that.” I answered.

“Oh great. I’m glad, don’t let him run you off. And besides, Trent thinks Uriel wants to see you. See you soon!”

“Wait, what?” I said to an empty line. I shook my head as I put my phone down to finish getting ready. I put on my self-love necklace and grabbed my purse before leaving. I only had a passing curiosity of if and why Uriel wanted to see me. I meant what I said to Monica. I wanted to spend time with her and Trent and their friends, give or take Uriel.

Forrest picked me up right on time and on the car ride over, I told him about Amber’s recent loose lips and looser behavior as a married woman doing the absolute most. Forrest chuckled at me and asked how I planned to handle it. I told him I was going to let her talk, get out her emotions, apologies and whatever else was on her mind before I told her she needs to slow down; take things one at a time, and focus on her and her kids wellbeing before anything or anyone else.  

“So a classy mind your own business?” Forrest smiled at me.

I laughed. “Yes! That Part!”

That led to me playing “That Part” by Schoolboy Q and Kanye West. It was just like old times, him rapping along to Schoolboy Q will I took on Kanye’s part. I recorded us rapping and dancing along in the car, before sharing it to Instagram with the Caption: Mood

We arrived in a jovial mood at the restaurant that was super crowded and next to a live music venue. I called Monica as Forrest parked in a nearby garage to see where to find them. She instructed me to tell the hostess I was part of the Zhang party. Once we made it to the hostess stand, I did just that. She pointed us to the stairs and elevator to the roof top. I was wearing heels, so we picked the elevator. We found them immediately, occupying the lone rooftop airstream.

“Geez, yall can’t just do a regular people dinner? It’s gotta be a private room-hibachi table-airstream event.” I said, loudly over the music from the outdoor concert you could view from the rooftop.

“Now you know regular is not in my vocabulary.” Monica popped up, looking stunning in a brown leather mini dress and strappy stilettos. Her hair looked freshly blown out, makeup flawless with her smile brightening the entire rooftop. Her energy was so infectious, I gladly soaked it in as I hugged her.

“Apparently! Can I be you when I grow up?” I squeezed her.

She pulled away and shrugged, playfully. “If you study hard and pay attention, I don’t see why not.”

“Please don’t make her head any bigger than it already is.” Trent mock whispered in my ear as I gave him a one armed hugged.

“What was that?” Monica called out.

“Nothing.” Trent answered with a little grin.

“Everyone, this is my no B.S-football compadre-faithful foodie-love guru- homie Forrest.” I said, introducing Forrest proudly.

“Couldn’t just say my name?” Forrest grinned over their laughter.

“Nope. Not good enough for you.” I grinned back, before saying hello to everyone I knew and introducing myself to the few I didn’t. Uriel stood and I gave him a one-armed hug too before Trent introduced me to his sister Natalie. I gave her a wave and told her it was nice to meet her before I sat down in the middle of the airstream, right between Forrest and Monica.

Deanna, Monica’s sister who was sitting on Forrest’s side, turned to look at me and Forrest. “Is this your ex with a son?” She asked me.

“No.” We both said, simultaneously.

 “Should I reintroduce you?” I taunted.

“No. I’m Forrest. No kids, never dated her.” Forrest said, reaching out his hand to shake hers.

“Why not?” Deanna asked, caressing his hand in hers.

“It’s not obvious? She’s kinda crazy.” Forrest stated.

“In the best way.” I added.

“Sure, keep telling yourself that.” He said, causing us both to laugh

After Forrest and I ordered drinks and Monica assured me plenty of food was on the way, I fell into the conversation with everyone. Over the music, everyone caught up with what they’ve been doing over the summer. Monica and Trent went on their yearly trip to visit her family in Chicago, were she lamented how they were pushing her to have a baby. I understood where she was coming from, but couldn’t help to mention how cute I thought their baby would be. She asked me if Rocky thought Ace’s poops, vomit and cries were cute, which I conceded. He was adorable, but the cries and waste that came out of him, not so much. I was more than happy to share my stories and pictures from the Dominican Republic.

“Is that Noelle?” Natalie squeaked, when she saw the picture of us with the fire dancers at my dad’s dress rehearsal.

“Yeah, Bianca is my cousin. They’re dating.” I nodded.

“Ohmygod! You did not tell me you know someone who knows Noelle!” Natalie elbowed Trent.

“Doesn’t matter.” Trent replied plainly. Natalie glowered at him.

“How did I not know Bianca is your cousin?” Michelle chimed in.

“Um, it’s not something I really think about. The whole Noelle and TV stuff happened last year. I’m still getting use to it.” I shrugged.

The food came out and as we ate, the conversation turned to work. I listened to them excitedly chat about their work picking back up in anticipation of the start of the regular season, the new players and coaches on the team and how they thought the Mavericks would do this year.

“You’re suspiciously quiet over there Lily.” Uriel spoke to me, giving me a charming smile. I looked at him, surprised. It was the first time he addressed me, besides saying hello.

“Especially after you gave me a good luck shark tooth. You think we need it more than your Lakers?” Trent tried to provoke me.

 I smiled at him. “Nope, you will not drag me into this conversation. I have no dog in this fight.”

“Isn’t your clinic in association with the Mavericks?” Wesley asked me.

“I just gave my resignation. So when the season starts, I probably won't even be working for them.” I revealed.

“Are you serious?” Monica gasped.

I nodded.

“But why? You let the boys club run you off?” She accused, pointedly.

“Absolutely not. It’s just not where my passion is anymore.” I simplified.

There was an awkward moment after I spoke, where no one said anything. Forrest broke the silence by lifting his glass to me. “To finding your passion.”

 “Cheers to that.” I toasted him before sipping my wine. Everyone joined the toast before they decided to guess new passions for me. I took it with stride and laughed at the more ridiculous suggestions. It also opened a debate that Natalie was having with Trent. Apparently, he nor his parents approved of her following her boyfriend to California after graduating to work an unpaid internship. He was trying to convince her to move to Dallas and find a paying job using her degree or go back to school for something more specific than comparative media studies. I stayed out of that debate; as someone who had a doctorate but didn’t know what my passion in life was, I understood both sides. When the debate died down, I proposed another toast to having friends and family always support you, even if they didn’t always agree with you.

After eating, we took pictures and hung out until the reservation on the airstream ended. A handful of people left while the remainder of us moved to the bar. I checked to make sure Forrest still wanted to hang out, and he was all for it. Apparently, he and Deanna found a lot to talk about, because they were talking among themselves at the end of the bar. Monica gave me a hopeful glance looking at them, which I did not respond to. We ordered drinks, people watched and enjoyed the music. Or at least I did. Monica teased me for loving the Fleetwood Mac cover band.

“Sometimes I forget you’re mixed.” She grinned at me as I twirled and sang along to “Dreams”

I laughed. “First of all, music has no color. Fleetwood Mac is universal. This song got me through some breakups.”

“This song is about a breakup?” Tori asked.

“Yes! It’s like a classy fuck you!” I exclaimed as Tori laughed.

“Did it get you through the breakup with Uriel?” Monica asked. I sputtered on the sip I was drinking while Wesley and Trent laughed.

Uriel sent Monica a warning look, but she looked unphased. She looked at me expectantly.

“No, it wasn’t that deep.” I answered, finishing my drink.

After a moment, Uriel asked, “What was it then?”

“You wanna do this now?” I challenged him.

“Why not? You blocked me and everyone is in our business anyway. I thought things were going okay between us.”

“Okay is good enough for you?” I asked, even though I was surprised he described us that positively.

“Good enough for a conversation on why you wanted to end thing, not a note too short to be a dear John letter.”

Natalie, Tori and Wesley looked amused while Trent frowned. Monica just watched us, taking it all in. I grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the bar. We found an unoccupied corner on the rooftop facing the street.

“You’re right. At that point, I just needed it to be over, but I should have had a conversation with you.” I rationalized, sincerely.

“Can we have the conversation now?” He requested.

“Honestly, we just weren’t compatible. We had nothing in common besides sex, and that didn’t even last.” I thought out loud.

“What do you mean?” Uriel questioned me.

“We agreed when we were just fooling around, but I wanted to stop having sex if we were going to date. That didn’t happen.”

“Is that why you ended things? Because I still wanted to have sex?”

“No, because you didn’t respect my boundaries or my feelings.” I replied.

 “When did I disrespect you?”

“The last time we slept together, when did I say I changed my mind about sleeping with you?”

He was silent for a moment, before he shook his head and took a step back. “So I forced you?” He muttered, incredulously.

“I didn’t say that. I could have got up. I should have left. I wish I did enforce my boundaries, but I didn’t. That’s on me. I own that.“ I took a deep breath before continuing. “You need to own the fact that you can be selfish, arrogant and borderline entitled. That and the fact we have nothing in common, is why I ended the relationship.”

“Selfish, arrogant and borderline entitled.” He repeated before running his fingers through his hair

“Look, I don’t think you’re a bad guy, just bad for me. I want a partnership and you want to be head of  household. There’s nothing wrong with that, we have different wants.“ I tried to soften the blow, but it was true. There might be someone who could cater to him or challenge him to evolve. I just wasn’t that person. “Now I feel like I owe you a drink.” I joked, trying to lighten the mood, feeling a little guilty. Not that I spoke my truth, but I did it now instead of a phone call back then.

“Let’s go get that drink.” He said, glibly.

We rejoined the group at the bar and I ordered a round of shots. Everyone was watching us inquisitively, but we didn’t acknowledge their looks. Forrest asked if I was good, and I told him I was great. When the vodka shots were in front of us, Uriel held his up to me.

“To Dreams?” He said dryly. I rolled my eyes but tapped glasses with him.

“Dreams!” I cheered him.

We stayed until the cover band was over, dancing, singing and talking over the music. Landslide was the last song of the night, and Monica drunkenly declared she knew this song. She, Tori and I put our arms around each other and swayed and sang the lyrics together. Or most of the lyrics, a few of them were mumbled. All and all, it was a great night. Forrest dropped me off safely at home and I had a dreamless sleep.

 

 

 

I woke up late Sunday morning and decided to treat myself to brunch. I went to a French café that Bianca and I discovered on one of her trips to visit me that was pet friendly. I sat on the patio, with Cafe au Lait, Florentine Crepes and an almond croissant. I texted Amber while I was there to see if she had time to talk. She told me she was busy getting ready but would see me at the party. She also texted me a remind me to wear green. I forwarded it to Forrest, who called me back.

“Would you be disappointed if I didn’t come?” He asked me.

“No… in fact, if it can get me out of the party too, I will be your bestie for life.”

“Can’t help ya. I have plans. Besides, I like being your no B.S. football partner -faithful foodie- homie“

I laughed. “No, you totally screwed that up.”

“Whatever it is. I’m fine with that.”

“What are your plans?”

“Let me see how it goes, then I will tell you.”

“Ok, bye homie.”

“Bye Lily.”

 

I went home, took a shower and returned Benjamin’s phone call. He advised he would be sending me an email with clinics in Plano I can go to for the DNA test. I did ask him if he planned to talk to his mom, dad, Bianca or Britany. He told me he understood if I needed to, but he wanted to wait until the results of the DNA test. I reminded him I was doing this for him, so I would follow whatever he needed. Once I got off the phone, I found the email and set up the appointment for Wednesday morning. I put my phone and laptop away and laid down to rest. I woke up a couple of hours later, realizing it was an hour until the party started. I was planning to get there early to help and check in with Amber and Sammy. It seemed like they were both using work or party planning to distract from the fact that their relationships ended. I wanted to be a listening ear if they needed to vent, but I also needed to speak to Amber. I got dressed quickly, brushed out my hair and traded makeup and jewelry that I didn’t have time to put on for my sparkly gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers. I grabbed my purse and headed to their place. I arrived 20 minutes before the party.  It took a minute or so after I knocked before Amber opened the door. She was wearing a white oversized shirt, her hair bone straight with blinged out hair clips in the shape of dollar signs.  She eyed me up and down, her eyes still caked in setting powder.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were getting ready over here! You’re cutting it close.” She said, letting me into the apartment. It was completely green- all shades of green balloons with gold strings all over the living room. There was a huge dollar bill cutout that took up an entire wall. There were green and money decorations everywhere. I was in awe as Amber hurried back to the hallway.

“Sammy is in her room. I’ll be there once I’m done with my makeup. I need my mirror.” She explained as she left. I snapped out of the extravagance of the room and followed her. She was sitting at her vanity, finishing up her makeup.

“Hey, can we talk for a minute?” I asked her.

“Sure, what’s up?” She chirped, blending in her makeup.

“Are you doing ok?”

“Yes! Just need to finish so I can set up the music and set out the food. Do you mind doing that? There are deli trays in the fridge, then go get ready chicka!”

“Uh, no. I need to talk to you.” I turned her down. She scowled at me, but then her phone rang. “Excuse me.” She picked it up. After 3 minutes of listening to her cackle with whoever she was on the phone with, I left and went to Sammy’s room. I knocked twice before I heard a come in. I opened the door to see her sitting cross legged on her bed, typing on her laptop.

“Hey, whatcha doing?” I asked her.

“Going over the holiday calendar for the rest of the year. It’s the busiest time but some of the girls want to spend time with their ‘family’.” She air quoted.

I wanted to make a joke about the audacity of these girls to want to spend time with their alleged family, but I sat down on the bed. “You know you have a party happening in 15 minutes. In your living room, that looks like a rap video shoot. That apparently, I’m underdressed for.”

She nodded as I spoke. When I said nothing else, she looked up at me. “Um, yeah. Is that what your wearing? Did Amber freak when she saw you?”

“No, because she thinks I’m getting ready with you.” I smiled.

“Let me get dressed.” Sammy said, closing her laptop and scooting off the bed. She complained about how Amber moved all her crap in Saturday then spent all night transforming the living room with a group of her friends from work as she got dressed. I asked Sammy if Amber talked to her about the kids or custody at all.

“No…” She came out of her bathroom, a green mini dress clingy to her curvy frame. “You don’t think she’ll bring them here right?”

I shrugged. “We haven’t talked about anything but this damn party. I thought this was going to be chill, just hanging out and talking. I already tried to talk to her. I have no idea what’s going on with her. Or you. Are you ok? I mean, of course you’re not. How are you holding up?”

Sammy went back to the bathroom but kept the door open. “I’m fine. It’s the same shit different day for me.  You know Corey and I broke up before over the whole moving in together bullshit. We didn’t fight about it, but his wants didn’t change and neither did mine. Then he got busy with school, I got busy with work. The sex was awful. We weren’t spending time together. I asked for a break to rethink our relationship. He just… accepted that I was right, and that we couldn’t compromise on what we wanted. He decided to make it a permanent break.”

I listened to what she was saying, but I also heard what she didn’t say. The first time they split, Corey did everything he could to win her back. I don’t know if she was expecting him to do that this time, or if she really needed time to reassess their relationship. Either way, in her explanation she never said a breakup was what she wanted. “I’m sorry Sammy. I know how it feels to love someone and just not be in the same place with them anymore.” I said, joining her in the bathroom.

“It’s all good. Boys are like buses. Miss one, there’s another one coming.” She claimed, setting the red lipstick down. I would have believed her bravado, if I didn’t see the sadness in her smokey green glittered covered eyes.

“Sammy-“ I started softly.

“Speaking of boys.” She cut me off, looking down to apply a cat liner to her eyes. “Amber invited single guys from her job. A few specifically for you. Do you want to borrow some clothes? Or makeup?”

“Nope. Even if I was interested, if he doesn’t like my hoodies and bare face, he doesn’t get me all dressed up either.”

Sammy chuckled. “Sure girl.”

Once Sammy was dressed, we went out to the living room. Amber in her sequin green romper and full face of makeup was not happy with my refusal at another outfit, but she gave up when she saw I wasn’t budging. Plus, she had to focus on getting the music going. Sammy helped her attach her laptop to the sound speaker while I helped myself to a beer. In the kitchen, I saw there were a couple bags of chips sitting out next to a sandwich, fruit and veggie tray. I opened a bag to get fresh chips to snack on with my beer.

Amber’s cousin Heather came over first, with her hookah that they set up on the patio. The patio was my favorite part of the apartment. It was on the smaller side, but big enough for a small table and 3 folding chairs. The gate enclosing the patio opened and a short stone path led you to the pool. You could hear the water from the fountain on the patio, so it was very zin. I nabbed me a chair and sipped on my beer as Heather set up the hookah. She was filling me in on her boyfriend and how they were discussing marriage when Amber came outside.

“Hey you two! Lily this is Rick from my hospital. He is a radiology tech and loves sports as much as you do. Do you have the hookah set up Heather?”

“Yep, all done.” She replied.

“Come on, I want to show you something in my room.” Amber grabbed her arm, pulling her away, leaving Rick alone with me.

“Wow, that was subtle.” I said, sarcastically.

“Yeah. I promise I’m not pathetic. I can get my own dates.” He grinned, sitting down.

“Right.” I smiled, thankful he was in the same boat of not wanting a set up.

“So how does this thing work?” Rick asked me, pointing to the hookah.

“Oh, Heather already set it and added everything. Just get a new tip.”

“Oh, so just suck and blow?”

“Exactly.” I chuckled.

He took a deep drag and exhaled, clearly knowing what he was doing.

“So… do you like to suck and blow?” he asked me.

“Not at all. Excuse me.” I stood up to go back inside the apartment. Once inside, I saw that Jake, Dino, Staci and Daniel arrived. I made a beeline for them to say hello. I didn’t know if it would be awkward around Dino because of Jake, or Daniel because of Ethan, but anything was better than flirting with suck and blow guy.

“Hey!” I said, greeting them all and giving Staci and Dino a hug. “Good to see y’all. Although, I’m sure this is a singles party.”

“Technically, we’re all single until marriage.” Daniel smiled at me, while Staci side eyed him.

“Oh really? Bet!” Staci declared, giving me a wink before unlinking her arm from Daniel’s and walking off.

“You’ll be back.” He called, as he followed her.

“They are so dysfunctional.” Dino chuckled. “Like for real, I thought Stacy was the crazy one till I saw them together.”

“It’s kinda cute. They match each other’s crazy. It’s a crazy cute.” I smiled along with Dino.

“I’d rather be boring.” Jake commented.

“So, I’m boring?” Dino raised an eyebrow at him.

“No, just not crazy.” he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“The opposite of crazy is sane, not boring. Why did you say boring?” She playfully debated him.

“You know what I meant.”

 “Y’all are not boring but, there is an expert at sucking and blowing on the patio if you need some excitement.” I recommended to them.

“Hell no!” They both exclaimed together, causing me to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Richard asked as he joined us.

“Threesomes.” I laughed at him.

“The three of you?” He said, approvingly. “A little Ray J in the background.” He mocked me.

“What?” Dino gasped, looking between us.

“N-No.” Jake stammered, making me laugh harder.

“Ignore him; he’s just fucking with me. Talk to y’all later.” I said between laughter, pulling Richard away. “Don’t be a dick. And fyi, you’re my imaginary date for the night.” I informed him.

“No can do. Someone else already requested my services.” He said, nodding to Sammy who was waving him down. I saw she was standing next to Amber and Rick, so I let him go rescue her. Thankfully, there was no one on the patio when I went back out. Sammy and Richard eventually joined me. We passed around the hookah and talked freely. Mostly making fun of the concept of a divorce party before there was a divorce.

“I commend them on actually getting married. Can you imagine being that committed to someone or the idea of someone that you can actually say the vows?” Richard murmured.

“Maybe someday. I hope.” I answered. “I don’t know. I’m stuck between wanting a husband and family or being the cool Aunt that travels all the time and comes home on the holidays with a new man.” I envisioned out loud, with a smile.

Richard grinned at me. “Why can’t you do both? Open marriage and a nanny. Boom.”

“I think it’s stupid. Marriage as a concept is dumb. It’s a piece of paper. Nothing more, nothing less.” Sammy said, pouring a healthy glass of white Hennessey.

“Give me your car title, your birth certificate, social security card and all the money in your bank.” I ordered her.

“Is there crack in this hookah? Fuck No!” she exclaimed.

I smirked at Sammy. “Why not? There all just pieces of paper.”

She frowned. “You missed the point. Those mean something. Marriage means nothing.”

“No, you missed the point. Marriage means whatever you want it to mean. If you find someone who agrees with what that is, it can be whatever you want.” Richard said softly, looking into Sammy’s eyes. I felt the tension between the two, and I suddenly felt like a third wheel. Did something happen between them?

Sammy snorted, breaking the tension. “That’s bullshit. How can you agree you are going to agree for the rest of your life? People change, feelings change.” She said, breaking eye contact with him to look at me. “Back me up here Lily.”

“I think if you have unconditional love with someone, you should be able to work through those changes.” I reasoned.

“So you didn’t love Trevor or Ethan or Jake unconditionally?” She confronted me.

“No. I didn’t even love myself unconditionally. It’s a cliché, but you really can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.”

We all sat there silently for a couple of minutes, until Amber interrupted the silence.

“What the hell? I threw this party for us and y’all are hiding out here. Get inside and fucking talk to people!” She demanded, hands on her hips.

“Oh, go fuck yourself.” Sammy muttered under her breath.

“What?!?!” Amber shrieked.

“Love yourself. We were talking about loving yourself.” I answered quickly.

“Yeah yeah yeah. Love yourself inside.” She whipped around to head inside. We all got up and followed. They headed for the living room while I went into the kitchen. I needed another drink and food to wash it down with so I could leave soon. I pulled out my phone to check the time and saw that EJ text me a photo. It was the package of cocoa balls asking me what they were.

Me: They are cocoa balls. Mix them with hot milk or water for cocoa.

EJ: 😂🤣Jayden ate two and got sick lol

Me: Your dad couldn’t read the package?

EJ: No, he told me to ask you.

Me: Aww, sorry it took so long to respond. Try them again the right way.

EJ: I will. The MoFongo Snax chips were my fav

Me: Spoiler alert! When you gonna post the video?

EJ: Prolly tomorrow.

Me: Ok. Have a good night!

EJ: U too.

I headed to the kitchen, texting Ethan on the way.

Me: You couldn’t read the packaging on the cocoa balls?

I grabbed another beer and a plate but was surprised to find no other food had been brought or cooked besides what Amber originally set out. The only thing left was the vegetable tray and chip crumbles. I gave Ethan 5 more minutes, but when he didn’t respond, I put my phone away and joined everyone in the living room.

“There she is! So nice you finally joined us.” Amber announced my arrival. I was unpleasantly surprised to see her sharing a chair with Q, my coworker and her emotional affair partner. I reminded myself it was none of my concern and gave him a little smile and wave.

“Salad, guacamole, grapes, pesto.” I listed, sitting next to Staci.

“What?” Amber bellowed.

“Plantains, kiwis, artichoke, green eggs and ham.” I continued.

“What are you talking about?” Staci stopped whatever conversation she was having with Daniel to ask me.

“Green food we could have brought instead of all these decorations since all the food is gone.” I replied, giving Amber a glare.

Everyone in listening distance laughed as Amber rolled her eyes. “We can order pizza or something.”

“Spinach pizza.” I told her.

Others started shouting out pizza request while Amber took the order. After the food was ordered, we sat around, playing never have I ever. I pretended to sip my beer when things applied to me. As the game got raunchy and more personal, I stopped playing all together. I pulled out my phone and Ethan finally texted me back.  

Ethan: I could have, but I wanted EJ to call you. I didn’t think they would try to eat it before talking to you.

Me: Apparently Jayden got sick. Is he ok?

Ethan: He’s fine. He thought they were chocolate truffles. He said one of them were hot and I figured out some of them have red pepper.

Me: Ok, EJ said lol so I assumed all was good. This has been the most he talked to me, besides his apology 😄

Ethan: Can I call you?

Me: Of course

I got up and made my way to the patio. A few moments later, Ethan called me. I picked up right away.

“EJ was harder on himself then you were. He needed that push to see you were not mad at him. That’s why I told him to call you.” Ethan explained

“Thank you. I was worried there for a minute. I don’t know what was worse, him being mad at me or him thinking I was mad at him.” I revealed.

“He didn’t like it either, but he’s been in a much better mood.”

“Yeah? How was the back-to-school bonanza?”

He chuckled. “It was interesting. We bought a tent, thinking they would want to camp in the backyard. They were all for it until they discovered there wasn’t enough outlets to charge their devices.”

I laughed. “Ohmigosh, no they didn’t!”

“Yes, they did. They all ended up back in the house. Including Robbie, he wanted to watch TV.”

“So you know what that means? They need a wireless weekend.”

“They went without their devices for 3 hours top. We played games and let them decorate cupcakes.”

“Save me any?” I asked.

“No, but I have pictures.”

“Send them to me.”

“I put them on SnapChat.” He informed me

“Seriously?!? You Snapchatted? I feel like a proud mom right now.”

“Relax.” He replied, making me smile. We got off the phone shortly after and I got on his Snapchat. Sure enough, he documented the weekend with photos of them in the pool, running around the tent, playing Uno and decorating cupcakes. It was so sweet. I was going through them for a second time when Richard poked his head outside.

“Pizza’s here!”

“Coming!”

I went inside and grabbed a plate. Thankfully, never had I ever was over and everyone was just chatting as we ate. I ate my spinach pizza, alternating between checking the time and listening to them talk about their job at the hospital, who was sleeping with who, and other mindless gossip. Once it reached 10pm, I started to say my goodbyes to leave.

“Really? It’s so early.” Staci frowned at me as I said goodbye to her and Daniel.

“Yeah, I have to be at work tomorrow.” I said, giving her a hug.

“You just put in your resignation. Call in!” Amber encouraged me.

“You did?!?” Q questioned me.

“We can talk about work at work. Bye everyone.” I said, trying to hide my annoyance as I turned to leave.

“Wait Lily.” Amber said. I turned back to her, warily.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t thinking.” She apologized.

“It’s ok.”

“That’s all?” Amber said contemptuously.

“Yes, that’s all. We can talk about this later.”

“No, we won’t. Because you don’t talk to me. You just blow me off.” She whined.

“Amber-“ Sammy tried to stop her.

“No! You go out with Monica or Staci or Rocky or Forrest, all dressed up and dancing and take tons of pictures and have fun.” She continued, ranting at me. “I have to beg you to come out and you wear a hoodie and barely speak and have this stuck-up lame ass attitude and I’m just sick of it.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. Why don’t we set up a time to talk about it-“I tried to calm her.

“Oh PLEASE stop with the therapist mumbo jumbo bullshit. Just be real. Is it because of Mia? Or Q? Or because I didn’t want you to date Ethan-“

I counted to 10 as she rambled on before I stopped her. “That therapy bullshit helped me figure my shit out. I’m sorry if that makes me lame or stuck-up but that’s where I am right now. I’m here for you if you want to talk, but not like this.” I said before telling everyone goodbye and leaving.

On the drive home, I mulled over what Amber said, angrily. There really was no fucking merit to anything she said at all. I will admit, I did not feel as comfortable opening up to her or inviting her out with me because of her helping Christian pop up on me and her telling Mia all my business. I was working through it and giving her the benefit of the doubt because she was going through a rough time. I had been reaching out to her all week. The only reason I went to the party was for her. I wasn’t even going to go off on her about gossiping about my relationship in front of her children! Her confronting me in front of everyone and insulting my therapy was ridiculous. Honestly, she should look into therapy for herself.  

Once I got home, I calmed completely. I decided to keep my distance from Amber. I did the same with Rocky when things became too toxic between us to continue the way it was going. I feared the same for me and Amber. I would love her from a distance and if she came around, I would be there for her. I checked my phone before I got into bed and texted my friends back and let them know I made it home.  I saw that I had a notification for an email from my dad. I opened it and read the letter he sent to Paula.

 

Paula,

When you decided not to be a mother, I believed it was for the best. You made that choice, and I had no second thoughts about you not being in Lillian’s life. I didn’t think about what could have drove you to that decision. Quite frankly, I didn’t care. That was wrong. I thought your presence would do more harm than good, so I did what I thought was best by making sure you would never be a part of her life. I’ve learned that what I think is best isn’t best for everyone. That couldn’t be more true with our daughter. She told me once she had a dream of reconnecting with you and I felt like a failure. I genuinely believed if I gave her everything she needed, she wouldn’t want for you. That was foolish. I could have done more to help you, to figure out what was going on and why you couldn’t raise her, but I didn’t want to. If I’m honest, I always knew she wasn’t my biological child and when you gave me the chance to adopt her, I took it. I wanted her as my daughter. I didn’t think about what you were going through. I didn’t think what Lily would go through without a mother. I told her so many times you were the selfish one, but I was.  

Despite my mistakes and selfishness, she is a beautiful, independent, willful, smart and generous woman. I’m proud to call her my daughter. I’m hoping that with the truth, I can right my wrongs. I can give her the clarity she desperately needs. All I ask is that you will answer the questions I should have asked before I adopted her. Why did you leave? Why couldn’t you raise her?  Do you know who her biological father is? I truly hope you consider my words and do what is best for our daughter. I say our daughter, because even though you chose not to raise her, you gave birth to her. You did the best you could for her in giving her up for adoption. Please help me do the best I can for her by telling her the truth. With the truth, she can make her own decisions and do what she thinks is best going forward in her life. And, if you wanted to be a part of her life, I would be nothing but supportive of that. If you do not want that, I will support that too.

Sincerely,

Carlos Ortiz

After everything that happened, reading my Dad’s letter hit me the hardest. I rested my head in my hands and cried. I cried tears of sadness for me as a child, who thought being adopted meant I was unloved and unwanted by my birth parents. I grew up, thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me because my birth mom could just leave me. I cried tears of regret for looking for love and acceptance to fill that void. I stressed myself out trying to be the perfect daughter and sister and fell victim to a predator's grooming all because I would do anything to be loved. I also cried tears of relief. That I was no longer that child who felt unworthy. As wonderful as it was to read my father’s loving words about me, the most wonderful feeling was believing them. It took me 27 years, but I was at the place where I loved myself unconditionally. I was beautiful, independent, willful, smart and generous. I may not know where I will be in 2-3 years, hell, maybe not even 2-3 days from now. But I knew whatever I was doing, whoever I was with, wherever I was at, I would be ok. As long as I had myself, I would have all the support, love and truth that I needed. And If I ever forgot that, I had the perfect souvenir now etched close to my heart. The faceless doll tattoo was not only symbolic of the hope Paula had for me, but also a reminder to let my character and actions define me. Not a job, not a man, not family or anything else; Just me, flaws and all. The most important relationship I would have was with myself, so I promised to love, honor and treasure myself.

 

====================================================

 

 

********Author's Note********

Hey Everyone! So this is originally how I wanted to end the blog. Lily riding off into the sunset... With herself! I loved the idea of it being opened ended. Because, it doesn't matter who she ends up with, what job, what state, etc. Her journey was one of self-love and that's the happy ending I imagined for her before picking up with another character. I truly loved all her leading men and I could seriously write a happy ending with any of them. In fact, this past year, I thought and started to write every single one. Kinda like a choose your fate book- choose who you like best. But, that really would have been a cop out and it effected too many other characters who I hope to write about. So, with that being said, I wrote an epilogue that will wrap up most of the storylines and set us up for a time jump with the man I think would fit best with Lily. As always, thank you for reading!

 

 

 

Epilogue 

AGAINST ALL ODDS (Outro)

"So take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, Take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face" Against All Odds by Phil Collins

Because of Amber blurting out that I was resigning in front of my coworker, I had to let Dr. Fahri know so he could make the announcement of me leaving sooner than later. I took full responsibility and apologized sincerely. I could tell he was irritated and the next day he conferenced with me and Dr. Tran.  He told me my last day would be September 30^th. He wanted me to spend that time training Dr. Goodman, as he would be offered the team lead role. If one thing came out of Amber revealing I was leaving, it was that. Dr. Goodman accepted the job and I would be there to make sure the transition would happen smoothly.

I did momentarily panic when my timeline moved up so quickly. I thought I had at least 2 months to figure out what my next move was going to be. I calmed down, reminding myself I had savings, a doctorate and a supportive family. I could take all the time I needed, as long as I had a plan. I worked with Dr. Pereira to come up with my plan. My family was on board with my plan by the time I worked my last day at the facility. I was going to go to California and shadow Alex for a month. There, I could really get an idea of what the job would be like and if I would be able to work for my father, indirectly. My dad was thrilled I was seriously considering working for his foundation, Cam was thrilled I would be staying with him and I was cautiously optimistic about everything. At the very least, I could use that month to look at other job opportunities in both Texas and California. It really was the best plan for me.

Even though I was excited about my plan, I was legitimately sad on my last day. I would really miss everyone, including Dr. Fahri. Yes, he was an egomaniac most of the time, but he did teach me to be my own advocate. I would use that going forward in any career I chose. After my last day at work, I headed to Rocky’s place. We were celebrating my last day and her first month back at work. Just like I knew she would, she hit the ground running as soon as she went back. She confided in me that she was feeling a lot of guilt: about leaving Ace with Deborah 50 hours a week, about having to say no to colleagues when she couldn’t make things work, even about asking me to babysit when she needed time to reset. I told her while she was valid to feel however she was feeling, she needed to be patient with herself. It was going to take time to adjust and no one was perfect, so she needed to get that idea completely out of her head. I told her she had to trust me and Deborah and that if we couldn’t handle stepping in, we would let her know. On the night of my last day, we cried tears of both sadness and joy together. Brandon joined us with Ace and we took turns dancing around the room with him while drinking champagne.

I invited Ethan to join us, but he declined. Unfortunately, our friendship wasn’t what I thought it would be. Ever since I told him I was resigning and going back to California for a while, I felt like he took an emotional step back from me. I saw EJ all the time; Ethan even joined us occasionally. As far as our friendship independent of EJ, it was barely existent. I didn’t know if it was all the time he was spending with Will. Will was now free to date and tried to set up Ethan with women before. Or it could have been the presence of Serena back in his life. Through social media, I saw they were friendly again. I didn’t dwell on it too much. I didn’t need Dr. Pereira to remind me that being a true friend to someone was honest communication and respecting their boundaries. I would respect his boundaries and hoped that with time, we could have open communication and be true friends again.

My no B.S.-football compadre-faithful foodie-love guru- homie Forrest lived up to all his titles when it came to being a true friend. Even when I was in California, we kept in touch about big football games, we snapped each other great food that we tried or cooked, and while I didn’t need any love advice, he definitely led by example. He cancelled on me the night of Amber’s party because he had a hangout with Monica’s sister Deanna. I was shocked when he revealed he went on a date with her. I recalled how Deanna was a single mother at the age of 36. She was not looking for casual. I was alarmed when he told me he wasn’t looking for casual with her either. I was completely dismayed. A tiny part of me held out hope my two best friends would figure it out and get back together in the future. Did I expect Forrest to wait while Rocky figured out what she wanted? No, but I didn’t want him to get serious with a single mom, who was the sister of someone I now considered a true friend as well. Forrest, with his no B.S ways told me bluntly that getting back together with Rocky was not going to happen. For him, it was more than her not knowing what she wanted. From cheating on Brandon, to being able to break up with Forrest so easily, and to wanting to hook up but not get back together; Rocky waved to many red flags Forrest couldn’t unsee now. He wanted someone who not only knew what she wanted, but was loyal and loving to him. The first time I saw him with Deanna as a couple, I knew she was that for him. There was an easiness between them that I never saw with either Rachel or Rocky. Not only was she perfectly contempt to let him be exactly who he was, she loved him for it. Whatever I thought about the relationship before then, it didn’t matter. I was simply happy for my friend. Rocky’s reaction to Forrest moving on let me know Forrest was right about the red flags in their relationship. I didn’t doubt that she loved Forrest, but not enough to sustain a relationship. She told me she was happy for him, and I believed her 100 percent.

Sammy, on the other hand, was devastated when Corey moved on. I didn’t know if it was the fact that he did- or who he moved on with. When Corey and Megan posted a picture on Instagram together at a Panic at the Disco Concert, I was confused and underwhelmed. Fall Out Boys were better and where was EJ were my only thoughts. When they changed their status to in a relationship with each other, I got on a flight right away to Texas. Sammy was furious at first. The only reason Corey met Megan was because he was giving EJ drumming lessons- she accused them of having an affair behind her back. Ethan told me a little after the Disney vacation that Dave moved out. At the time, Ethan believed it was just another one of their breaks, but I now too wondered if Corey was the catalyst to making the break official. I didn’t dare tell Sammy that; she was hurting enough. Next, came grief She sobbed that she was damaged and that no man would ever truly love her. That hit hard, because I knew that feeling. There was nothing I or anyone else could do or say to change that perception. She had to change it herself. Then, she was deathly numb. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to work. 

At that point, I took over for her. I sent an email to Ron, telling him that a family emergency came up and she needed 2 weeks leave. Once I got the confirmation from Ron, I packed a bag for her and we went to the Dominican Republic. A new center was opening so I planned to be there to shadow Alex anyway. I made her come with me, thinking a change of scenery, the beach, would help her reset. I put her up at a resort for the first week, checking on her constantly while giving her space. She was starting to come around during the second week, so I had her tag along with me at the center. She was good with the volunteers- dealing with drunks and young bartenders gave her the skill set to keep everyone in line. I even caught her flirting with Alex a few times, but I didn’t encourage or acknowledge it. At the end of the trip, she thanked me and told me this was exactly what she needed to get her mind right. I shared with her my affirmations and how I used to tell it to myself everyday until I believed it. She rolled her eyes and refused to say it. I promised her once she could say it and believe it- she would never feel damaged or need a man to love her. She nodded in understanding, and I hoped she really tried it.

While we were in the Dominican, Halloween was the next battle ground between Will and Amber. Will never let them trick or treat or have birthday parties, but while they were married, they always compromised with a costume party. Not only was Will refusing to budge on Halloween, but he also filed for temporary sole custody of the children. He accepted that the marriage was over, but he believed that because Amber wanted to leave, she should leave with nothing. He wanted sole custody of the kids, the house and child support. Because she moved out the house, she weakened her position as a caregiver and Will was granted temporary sole custody while they battled it out in court. Once I learned this, I stopped giving both Amber and Ethan space. I reached out to Amber and consoled her the best I could. We conferenced with Staci who knew custody law better than us both because of dealing with her ex. Once Staci and I calmed her, I called Ethan to see if he could talk some sense into Will. He responded that he tried, but Will was doing what he believed was right and he had to stay out of it. When I reminded him about our promise to act in the kid’s best interest, he repeated the same line. I told him if he really believed Amber was an unfit mother and taking the kids away from her was best for them, then we had nothing else to say to each other. The next time I spoke to Amber, she was in much better spirits. Will agreed to a visitation schedule which allowed Amber to regularly see the kids, including their birthdays and Halloween. They were headed to mediation to try to settle things. I later learned from Rocky, via Brandon, that Ethan convinced Will to drop sole custody by telling him Amber was not an unfit mother. He advised him they could invest their money and time into their children, or waste both in court fighting for a judge to decide how they should parent his kids.  

It was a powerful statement that encouraged Rocky and Brandon to get something in writing too. It came right on time as Jake was offered a great opportunity to run his own security firm in Phoenix. He invited both Dino and Brandon to come with him. The owner of a telecommunications company based out of Phoenix had an office in the building Jake managed. The owner took a liking to Jake and asked him to take over security in his home branch in Phoenix. Jake agreed right away and wanted Brandon to help run the security firm. It was a stressful time for Rocky while Brandon discussed moving to Phoenix. She was convinced he was moving when Daniela refused to go with Jake, and they broke up. I still hadn’t heard the full story on that, but Rocky didn’t know what would be best- relocating to Arizona with Brandon and making a real attempt to reconcile or staying separated and splitting custody with him out of state. After many conversations, Brandon decided not to leave, but the talks gave both of them closure on their relationship. They both agreed the best relationship they had was strictly co-parenting baby Ace, so they stuck to that.   

Speaking of baby Ace, seeing his changes was the marker of time for me. Every time I stayed in Dallas, I stayed with Rocky so I could help with Ace and get as much time as I could with him. Seeing him grow and thrive made me seriously start considering making some final decisions in my life, starting with my house. My dad was pushing for me to sell it. At the current market, with the improvements I made, Chad advised me I would get back some equity. Not much, but enough so it wouldn’t be a loss. A part of me wanted to do that. I bought the house to get back at Trevor; to show him how much better I was doing than him. It felt like a lifetime ago I acted so rashly, but it had only been a year. I hadn’t heard from him since the last voicemails he left on my phone. Cam kept me updated, like if he was going to be in L.A. or Dallas. I appreciated the heads up, but it really didn’t bother me. The only thing I feel for Trevor now is regret: Regret that we inflicted so much pain on each other and that it took us so long to realize it. I only wish he’s doing better and want nothing but the best for him. As I look at my house, it doesn’t represent just trying to show up my ex. It represents how much work I put into it: The cabinets I painted, the fixtures I replaced, the flooring I picked out, the backyard and landscaping I designed. All the little things I did to make the house a home. It just wasn’t a home for me. That’s what finally pushed me to sell. I began to declutter and donate. I went through my belongings and organized by posted notes what I would be keeping or donating. After that, I invited my friends to come see if there was anything they wanted. This started an inquisition on if I was moving to California. I gave the same answer as always: I still hadn’t decided.

Truthfully, I had made up my mind. Spending time between California and the Dominican Republic for a month was long enough for me to know what I wanted. I loved being at the centers. I love engaging with and educating the children. It was the best part of the job, but working for my dad’s foundation did not include that. The foundation’s main goal was managing finances, securing donors and volunteers, and continuous growth. I knew after a week of shadowing Alex that nonprofit work was not for me. The volunteers were the ones interacting with the community. While I knew I planned to volunteer with the foundation as much as I could, I needed a job to support myself to do that. My time in the Dominican Republic and an email I received from Derek, my former boss, helped me find my way. Derek allowed me to come visit the children's hospital where he was the director of physical therapy. After a couple of hours, everything clicked for me. Pediatrics physical therapy was my passion. It was honestly the best of two worlds: physical therapy, what I was amazing at and interacting with children, what I love. I tried to play it cool, but Derek saw right through me. He told me he thought I would be a great fit in pediatrics after watching me in the clinic years ago. I attempted to stroke his ego- telling him what a great director he must be to be able to identify skill sets in people. He cut me off with a smirk and told me which hospital locations has the best pay, to negotiate for either an hourly rate or salaried with documentation time, and to let him know which hospital I was applying to so he can pass it to the director to push me through to interviews. When I thanked him profusely, he told me any hospital would be lucky to have me. On one of my trips back to Dallas, I had an interview and an offer to start after new year’s.

Between getting the house ready to sale, finding a new place and preparing for my new job, I was super busy in December. I didn’t even have time to stress about telling Bianca and Brittany with Benjamin we all had the same father. The DNA test came back and was conclusive. The probability of Benjamin and I having the same father was 98.84%. When Benjamin told me the results, he sounded somewhat relieved. I guess this finally answered the questions for him. I truly felt nothing but anxiety about what Benjamin was going to do with the news. We decided that we would tell Bianca and Brittany in person over Christmas- then together we would decide if they wanted to confront Patty or Ben Sr. Christmas, in a foreign country, surrounded by family I didn’t know was stressful enough, but holding on to this secret was overwhelming. Finally, the night before we were set to fly home, we set in the living room of my great aunt Andrea’s chalet and Benjamin told them the truth. He had his copy of the letter from Paula and the DNA test if they wanted to read them. Brittany pulled herself up, struggling a little with her pregnant belly, and left the room. Benjamin followed her while Bianca just stared at me. She then asked me in a small voice, “So you’re my sister cousin?” I couldn’t help it- I snorted out a little laugh, which caused her to laugh too. Her laugh turned to tears and I got up to hug her. We just sat like that, holding each other until Benjamin rejoined us. Brittany, much like her mother, wanted to stick her head in the sand and pretend nothing happened. Bianca wanted to confront her mom and Benjamin was supportive of that. I explained that now that the truth was out, I wanted no more to do with it. I told them they were my family and nothing else mattered to me. After that, it never got brought up to me again. Unless I did something to annoy Bianca and she called me sister-cousin. I normally hang up on her after that.

 

“HAPPY NEW YEEEAAAR!!!” my brother and I yelled before we jumped in the pool together. It was a tradition we hadn’t done since I was a teenager. But since I was spending New Years in California with my family before moving back to Dallas, I decided we needed to reestablish it. We came back up, laughing and splashing each other as Jenna recorded us. When we got out, I headed straight for a towel while Cam gave Jenna a hug.

“Stop. The baby doesn’t like the cold.” She squealed.

“What baby? You or my son?” He asked, kissing her and possessively stroking her tiny belly bump.

“It’s a girl!!!” I proclaimed, wrapping a towel around myself before taking a glass of champagne from Beatrice and thanking her.

“It doesn’t matter as long as it is healthy.” My dad told us.

“Yeah, yeah, be right back.” I said, heading into the house. Most of my friends sent me happy new year’s greetings already. Rocky, Ace and Brandon were celebrating in Houston with her family. Amber and Staci hosted a kid friendly bash together. Sammy was working, but I could tell by Richard’s snapchat he was at the party too. Bianca was in Sydney with Noelle and her family. Forrest, Blake and Jordan were at a party together- Deanna had her kids that night, but Forrest was officially meeting them and her family on New Year’s Day. A little short of her 6 months dating requirement, but I was so happy for them both. Ethan and Will were in Cape Town. Apparently, Ethan had a friend from college he reconnected with and a group of them went together. Not going to lie, I enviously went through all the pictures they both posted online-it was summertime there and it looked beautiful and fun. Ethan looked like he was having a good time too, so my envy morphed into happiness for him. Monica sent me a group picture, at some lounge VIP with her friends. EJ was with his mom and Corey, they were still going strong. As much as it made me uncomfortable, hearing EJ happy hanging with Corey and to some extent, seeing how happy both Megan and Corey were, I couldn’t help but root for them. Secretly, so Sammy would never suspect.  I was sending out a mass Happy New Year’s from the West Coast to everyone when my phone chimed.

Jake: Happy New Year from Bedrock.

I laughed out loud. After he moved, I hooked him up with Benjamin to answer any of his questions since he lived in Arizona, not far from Phoenix. Once he got settled, he sent me a photo of his house, that I joked looked straight from the Flintstones. Jake and I have been in contact ever since and he seemed his normal, smart mouth self but Benjamin told me once he seemed sad.

Me: Happy New Year!!! Any Bed-Rocking tonight?

Jake: You offering?

I sent him a gif of Fred Flintstone running away. I hope it made him smile.

After I sent out my texts, I grabbed a pin and paper to write down my resolutions. I was heading back to Dallas this month to move into my new place and start my new job. I normally didn’t do resolutions, but I was so excited about the new year, I decided to write them down as we toasted to 2017.

“What are you doing?” Jenna asked me as I joined them back in the courtyard, grabbing a seat at the bar to write.

“Writing down my resolutions.” I said, writing away. They took turns sharing theirs out loud and I shook my head. “You are more likely to achieve your goal if you write it down.” I informed them, finishing my list with a smile.

“Let me see that.” My brother said, looking over my shoulder, after he gave Jenna a long obnoxious kiss.

“Wait… I’m almost done.” I said, writing one thing down before sipping my champagne. I looked over the list before handing it to him.

1.) Teach my nibling (hopefully niece!!!) to spit up and pee on her daddy

“That’s so childish. Erase it!” He laughed as he showed it to Jenna.

“No can do. It’s written in pin.” I said over Jenna’s laughter.

“What is it?” Beatrice joined us from the loveseat across from us in the courtyard.

“She's going to train our kid to spit up and pee on me.” Cam shared.

“She can’t even teach Justine to sit.” My dad said, eying Justine with distrust as she barked at the pool. At what, I have no idea, but she was enjoying herself.

“Hey, my job will be to rehab the youth. That is my specialty! And number two on my list.” I grinned.

2.)  Join a physical therapy organization and/or attend a continuing education course

3.) Volunteer with Un Flaisito al Catche 4 times this year (recruit 2 people to join me)

“Let me know the dates you plan to go. I might join you on one.” My dad requested.

“Sounds great.” I promised and meant it. Hanging out with my dad in the Dominican was like hanging with royalty. Things got accomplished quicker and more efficiently, and I loved that we shared that passion for helping.

4.) Resume appointments with Dr. Pereira once a month

“My therapist.” I explained at their confused faces.

5.) SELL MY HOUSE $$$

6.) Get second Tattoo

“Second?” My dad furrowed his eyebrows.

“No, I want a tattoo of a second.” I lied as Jenna laughed.

“Wait, what?” Beatrice asked.

“Last but not least-“ Cam paused as he read it silently. “Is this for real?”

I nodded. “Absolutely. Or at least I’m gonna try. Against all odds”

Jenna looked over his shoulder, read my last goal and smiled at me, before kissing Cam on the lips.

“I love you.” Jenna sighed.

“Love you too.“ Cam murmured against her hair.

“What is it?” Beatrice asked. Cam showed her the goal. She read it, then nodded. “That’s so sweet. I hope it works out.”

My dad finally got up and joined us and Cam handed him the letter.

“7.) Get my future husband back” My dad read out loud. “Who’s your future husband?”

I smiled to myself as I pictured his face.