Rabbit-Hearted Girl

"The looking glass, so shiny and new

How quickly the glamour fades

I start spinning, slipping out of time

Was that the wrong pill to take? (Raise it up)

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up

But will it ever be enough? (Raise it up, raise it up)

It's not enough (Raise it up, raise it up)

Here I am, a rabbit-hearted girl

Frozen in the headlights

It seems I've made the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering

We raise it up" Rabbit-Hearted Girl by Florence + The Machine

I called Forrest to let him know I was on the way to pick up Justine as soon as we arrived in Dallas. He told me he would keep her for another night if I went and checked on Rocky. Earlier that day, he was throwing around ideas for Rocky's birthday and she went off on him. Apparently, she went to a birthing class and had a list of things she had to do before Ace arrived. He offered to help, but that made it even worse. He wanted me to check in to make sure she didn't need help and that she wasn't over doing it. I quickly agreed and headed straight to her house.

"What are you doing here?" She asked me when she opened the door for me.

"Souvenirs!" I said, cheerfully, trying not to stare at her messy braids, oversized sweatshirt and jersey shorts. She looked absolutely worn out and I knew she was in her overzealous mood and was doing too much. "I wanna tell you all about Miami! Let's sit down."

I let myself into the house, eying the baskets of baby clothes scattered in her living room. "Are you busy?"

"Yeah. I am.-" she started.

"Perfect time for a break." I cut her off, giving her no choice as I flopped on the couch. I took my time, telling her every detail of Miami, showing her pictures and gifting her a guyabera blouse and a South Beach muscle man onesie for Ace.

"Put it on the pile on the floor. I'm washing all his clothes." Rocky instructed me.

"Um, why?"

"Because they need to be cleaned in baby friendly detergent before he can wear them. Ace will have little immunity. Everything needs to be deep cleaned."

"Ok. You still have plenty of time. Why don't we finish this load and do one basket of clothes a day from now on?" I suggested.

"There is no time! I need more birthing and parenting classes. I still need to get his bedside bassinet together before I can even start to deep clean my room. I don't have the routes to the hospital down. I haven't even packed a hospital bag! I should've started this months ago. What if I go into labor early?" She fussed.

"We'll get everything done on time.

I'm here to help-"

"Yeah, you're here now. What happens when you're out of town? Or at work?" She questioned me. "I'm prepared to do this alone." She struggled standing up.

I stood up too to help her up. "You're not doing this alone. Forrest won't even go out of town-"

"I'm dating him- that has nothing to do with Ace. This is not his baby! Ace is my responsibility." She declared before stomping back to her room. I followed her, thinking I discovered the real root of her frustration. I found her in her closet, pulling out a duffel bag.

"When was the last time you talked to Brandon?" I asked her.

"He texts once a day to check on me." She scowled, folding clothes into the bag.

I was confused to why that upset her. "Have you asked for his help?"

"I don't need his help. I got it." Rocky said, stubbornly.

I racked my brain, trying my hardest to keep my patience and figure out how I could get Brandon more involved without it seeming like she needed help. I could tell at the baby shower Brandon would be willing to do more, but Rocky was still so hostile towards him. I saw why he backed off but I understood why Rocky would be frustrated attending classes and doing everything alone.

"It's his baby too. Can I at least call him and tell him about the classes? He needs to know how to baby proof and CPR and what else Ace needs. It'll be good for him to know the routes to the hospital and where your and Ace's things are, just in case." I reasoned with her.

She frowned up, but after a few moments, she nodded. I pulled out my phone and put it on speaker so she could hear the conversation. He picked up on the 2nd ring.

"Hello?" Brandon answered.

"Hey Brandon. It's Lily." I started.

"Is everything ok? How's Rocky?" He immediately asked. I gave Rocky a little look before I replied.

"She's good. I'm actually at her house with her right now. She's going over her birthing plan and putting together a few things for Ace. I was wondering if you had time to go over them with us."

"Yes. I can be there in 20 minutes." Brandon responded eagerly.

I looked over at Rocky, questioningly. She nodded with no hesitation. "That'll be great." I confirmed.

"Ok. I'll be right there." He swore.

He was over in less than 15 minutes. I took the last pile of clothes to the laundry room as Brandon and Rocky talked. I gave them their privacy, but I wanted to be close just in case. After I got a load started, I rejoined them in the living room.

Rocky was still going over what all needed to be done. She was much more at ease, but I noticed how she tensed every time Brandon mentioned things he needed to do to his apartment as well. Thankful, he stopped bringing it up when Rocky stated she would feel more comfortable if Brandon saw Ace at her house, at least for the first few months. I was happy to hear them plan to go to a few classes together. He even stayed and put the bassinet together.

Once the bassinet was secured in her room, I sent Rocky to bed too.

"When Ace's gets here, you'll be on his schedule so relax while you can. I can take care of the rest of his clothes." I argued when she protested.

"Ok. Wake me up when the last load is done drying."

"Sure." I lied.

When she went to bed, I expected Brandon to leave. He didn't. He stuck around to help me with the clothes. The silence was deafening, so I turned on some music as we folded.

We folded for about 30 minutes, before the awkwardness got too much for me. I turned off the music, took a deep breath and turned to him.

"Look, I'm probably overstepping my bounds here, but I want to talk with you." I started.

He looked at me warily. "Look, I already know I fucked up. I fucked up over and over again. I'm trying to make it right with Rocky. I'm taking her lead and trying to be here when she asks for my help. I don't know what else to do." He confessed to me.

"You know Rocky; when does she ever ask for help?"

"Never."

"Exactly. She needs you; she wants you to be here for Ace. Don't follow her lead with that: Just be a good father to him."

When he just nodded, I continued.

"I'm not going to say I know what you're going through, because I don't. I can't imagine how you feel after everything that's happened between you and Rocky. I do know what pain feels like and how it can make you act out, but those actions become habits, then it becomes who you are. Don't let that pain turn you into something you're not."

He nodded again, deep in thought. Instead of turning to the clothes, I got up and sat next to him.

"I've wanted to do this every since I found out about Bil-" I stopped when he flinched. "Everything." He froze as I put my arms around him in a hug. "One of the first thing I learnt in therapy was becoming self aware and realizing my shortcomings so I could work on changing them. You've already done that: I promise you it will get better. Forgive yourself and give everything else time to heal."

He relaxed a little and hugged me back, awkwardly. "This is really weird." he said.

"I know, but I don't want it to be weird between us. Let's hug the weirdness away." I told him, holding him tighter. "Still weird?"

"A little." He admitted.

"Alright. That just means I'm gonna hug you every time I see you." I warned him, letting him go.

"Seeing you means seeing Rocky so I'm cool with that." He confided in me, with a small smile.

"Cool." I said returning back to my seat on the floor.

By the time Rocky woke up, we had the clothes all washed and folded. Rocky instructed us where to put the clothes. Once we had them put up, Brandon offered to take Rocky on a test route to the hospital. Rocky agreed, and I gave her a hug goodbye before she joined Brandon in his car.

"When you pick up Justine, tell Forrest I said thank you. I know he sent you over here." Rocky commented.

"What?!? No way. I just needed to tell you about Miami." I replied, with a grin.

"You could have told me over the phone. Bye." She waved me off.

Even though Forrest offered to keep Justine, I was anxious to see her so I headed over to his house to pick her up. I told him Rocky was good, just overwhelmed with preparing for Ace. I left out how I brokered a little peace with Brandon; I figured that was for Rocky to tell him. I gave him his Cuban coffee and cigars before I headed home. I had a few missed calls, but I was so worn out, the only person I called back was my dad before I crashed in bed.

I woke up Monday morning to a shit ton of notifications on Instagram and Facebook. Some of them were from pictures Staci, Amber and I posted on the plane, but majority of them were from a video Shawnee posted and tagged Christian and me in. It was a panoramic shot at the pool party of everyone rapping and dancing to Christian's song, Straight Outta Fucks. It stopped on Christian and I, stretched out on a lounger: I was rapping to him, complete with hand gestures, before he pulled me in for a kiss.

I wore sunglasses and a long red wig but because she tagged me in it, anyone who knew me would recognize me. I immediately untagged myself knowing the damaged was already done based off all my new friend requests and dms. I read through a few of the comments criticizing everything from my body, my outfit and how my parents raised a thot/groupie/gold digger whore before I sent Shawnee a short message, telling her not to tag me in any of her post again.

I gave my brother a call as I took Justine outside. After he guilted me for dad hearing from me before him, I gave him the edited version of my trip to Miami. He mentioned how strange it was for a guy I did not consider my boyfriend to fly me out for a weekend. I ensured him again I was not in a committed relationship with Christian and promised he would be the first to know when or if I was. He advised me to stop making out with guys I wasn't in a committed relationship with, which I responded by hanging up.

Bianca surprisingly was up when I gave her a call back, even though it was before 9am her time. After she instructed me to caption all my pictures with the designer of my clothes or Noelle's Swim Shop link (and waited for me to do it), she wanted to know all about Miami. I laid in bed with Justine and told her everything.

"Wait! How have you never heard of edibles before?" She made fun of me.

"Um, I'm not a stoner. I know people cook with THC, but pre-packaged weed snacks? You can't find that in Texas."

"It's everywhere in Cali. That tells you you've been gone too long."

"No, that tells me I've been gone long enough." I countered.

"So I guess when you and Christian settle down and get married, it won't be in California?" She questioned.

"Hahaha. You got jokes."

"I'm dead serious. He wants to be in a relationship right? That's the next step. Are you two going to live in different states the whole time?"

"Stop. I haven't even thought of the logistics of it because I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship with him."

"That's something you should be considering. What does a relationship even mean for him: Y'all face time each while he tours the world and he flies you out for dates?"

"According to social media, I'm just a groupie, thot, gold digging whore so I guess I should take whatever I can get." I changed  the subject, venting about Shawnee posting the video and tagging me in it.

"Wait a second. Babe, do you know who Shawnee is?" Bianca asked who I assumed was Noelle. There was a distance conversation that I couldn't make out and Bianca gasped.

"I thought she sounded familiar. She posted a picture of Christian and Lily and tagged them in it." Bianca continued her other conversation. "I think so too. It's obvious she hasn't posted pictures. Are you friends with her on Instagram?"

After a moment of silence, Bianca asked again. "Lily, are you friends with her on Instagram?"

"Oh, so you're talking to me now?"

"Yeah. Duh."

"You weren't just a second ago. Yeah, we are."

"Yes she knew.... Super shady like you said." Bianca continued on her conversation.

"What's shady?" I asked, intrigued.

"Shawnee. Noelle thinks something happened between Shawnee and Christian. She's not sure what or when, but Shawnee was always bitchy towards her."

I thought about it, remembering how I felt the same way when I first met her. They both had a lot of tension for two people with no connection besides mutual friends/family. 

"Noelle said she wouldn't be surprised if she posted that picture to cause problems." Bianca concluded.

"There's no problems. I just untagged myself and asked her not to do it again." I shrugged.

"Ok cuz. Anyway, if you decide to be in a relationship with Christian and he flies you out again, don't pop any pills or snort any substances. Drug free is the way to be!"

"Shut up B!" I laughed.

I tried to call Christian back but he didn't answer. I dragged myself to work, seriously contemplating using my sick time. I probably would have if Shawnee hadn't tagged me in a picture to her 3 million plus followers in Miami. Thankful, I just had to deal with Dr. Clayton as Dr. Fahri didn't make an appearance. Besides a few change requests from athletic trainers and making a couple rounds ever so often, I hid out in the team lead office. When I got off work, I went grocery shopping before going home. I was putting away groceries when Christian called me. I answered and put him on speaker phone.

"Hey. Did you tell Shawnee not to post pictures of us together?" He asked me.

"No. I told her not to tag me in her post." I corrected him.

"What's the difference? The only post you would be in are the ones with me."

"Exactly. I don't want my social media tagged with yours or Shawnees's." I began to explain.

"What? I can barely hear you. Take me off speaker."

"Give me 5 minutes and I'll call you back."

After I put the food away and made myself a bowl of cereal, I called him back.

"I don't want my profiles tied to yours or Shawnee's. I have a behavioral clause at my job because my clinic is affiliate with the Mavericks. It's one of the reasons I keep my profiles private. I can't be tagged at wild parties with drugs and naked people in hot tubs. Just the apperance of impropriety is enough to violate the behavioral clause." I explained.

"Are you sure that's it?" Christian asked.

"What did you mean?"

"You never post pictures of us, you were weird about inviting all your friends to Miami. Are you trying to keep us on the low?" 

I took a deep breath. "Kinda. You might be used to it, but I don't want to read random people's comments about me. It makes sense not to post pictures together and feed into it."

"Bae, you can't listen to the noise. The comments, the gossip, the bullshit: Those aren't things you ever get used to, but you'll have to learn to ignore it being with me."

"Noted, but everyone important to me knows we're dating and that's good enough for me while we figure things out."

"What do we need to figure out?"

"If we want to be in a committed relationship." I replied.

"You need to figure that out. I know I want a relationship with you."

"And what does a relationship with you even looks like? Do you wanna do long distance indefinitely? What do you envision for our relationship now and in the future?"

"I'm going to be straight with you: I haven't thought about my future like that. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. I know whatever happens, I want you by my side."

"Ok." I said, simply.

"Ok, you're ready to commit?" He asked, hopefully.

"Ok, thank you for your honesty, but I still need time."

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." He promised me.

On Tuesday, I knew that Rocky was going to a parenting class with Brandon, so I reached out to Forrest to see what he was up to after I got off work. He and Blake met up with Jordan at a happy hour in Dallas that he invited me to. I joined them after work, pulling a white hoodie on top of my scrubs.

I greeted everyone, giving a hug to Q, Robbie and Kayla who I hadn't seen in forever. I sat in a barstool next to Forrest.

"How are you and Rocky doing?" I asked, reading over the menu.

"We're ok. I wish she would accept my help, but at least she's reaching out to Brandon." Forrest stated.

"Yeah?" I said, both proud and surprised by his outlook.

"Yeah. It takes too much energy to be mad at someone and it's not healthy for her or Ace. I'm glad they found peace." Forrest said.

"Me too."

The waiter came over and I order a burger and a beer. While we waited for food, I asked what Forrest was planning for Rocky's birthday. He told me since Rocky mentioned not even wanting to get dressed on the weekend, much less go out, he was thinking a Pajama Jammy Jam.

"I have no idea what that is. Is that a slumber party?" I asked, confused.

"You've never seen House Party?" Q asked me with a grin.

"Never."

"It's not going to be that wild. More like a kickback where everyone wears their pajamas. Good food, good music, and good friends." Forrest explained.

"Sounds like good times. I think she'll go for that." I nodded my approval.

My food arrived and I dug in. While I was eating, Q asked me, "Is your clinic still hiring?"

"Yes!!!" I exclaimed.  I knew with Q's experience he would be a great candidate. I told him the shifts and benefits and what I negotiated for when I started, but advised him he should definitely ask for more. I sold him on the no weekends and possible evening shift. I sent him a text with Adil's infomation to send his resume.



Rocky called Forrest as we finished up eating. Forrest made plans to meet up with her and bring her fried oreos. Blake, Jordan, Q, Robbie, and Kayla all headed out while I waited with Forrest for Rocky's treat. I watched highlights of the Maverick's lost to the Warriors on Friday on the big screen across from us. Uriel crossed my mind as his business card sat in my purse. When Forrest left me to go to the restroom, I pulled out my phone and Uriel's business card.

Me: Sorry about that lost against the Warriors. They are the top seed in the West. Still feel good about Maverick's playoff chances?

I grinned when I got a response right away.

Uriel: Still in great shape for the 6th seed Lily. Lakers still in last place?

Me: If we are, that guarantees the first draft pick for us to rebuild! How did you know it was me?

Uriel: You are the only non-Maverick fan I associate with.

Me: I'm not a non-Maverick fan... Just realistic.

Uriel: So you say. You're using my number. Does that mean you want to get together?

A tingle of excitement ran over my body as I smiled and text out a response.

"Is that Christian?" Forrest asked me, rejoining me.

"Umm, no." I answered.

Forrest looked confused for a moment. "Who was it then?"

"I don't think you've officially met him. His name is Uriel. He's the guy from my birthday dinner."

Recognition settle on his face. "I thought that was him at the St. Patrick's day parade. What's up?"

"Nothing. He works for the Mavericks so we've hung out a few times." I explained, plainly.

Forrest narrowed his eyes at me, but left it alone. "Food's here. You ready?" Forrest asked me.

I nodded, putting my phone away, guiltily. I knew Christian and I weren't in a committed relationship, but if the places were reversed, I would be devastated if a guy was sleeping around after I told him I had feeling for him and he said he needed time. I knew that's why I was feeling guilty about texting Uriel. When I got home, I text Uriel back.

Me: I can't. Good luck with the playoff push.

Wednesday morning, I called Rocky to ask how her class went with Brandon. She told me it went well, and Brandon invited her to a Jesus Resurrection Celebration for Easter. Rocky still had questions about different birthing options and Brandon's mom Deborah and EJ's mom Megan would be in attendance. Rocky said she would go if I didn't mind going with her. I didn't even  realize Easter was this Sunday; I instantly thought of last year and running through a field blindfolded to Trevor. I quickly agreed, gratefully for the distraction.

At work, I reached out to Adil to see if he would be by the center this week. He confirmed he would be in around noon. I made an appointment to talk to him at 2. I checked my email, confirmed I had Q's resume, and looked up any volunteer activity for the following weekend. I figured I could do something positive and productive on Sunday to keep myself busy. There was a meal at a homeless shelter,  but it was full of volunteers already.

I scheduled my break to be around 2 and joined Dr. Fahri in the team lead office.

"I need to speak to you." I greeted him.

A crease developed on his forehead, but he motioned for me to have a seat.

"I sent you a resume from a former colleague."

"Let me conform I have it." He nodded, pulling out his laptop

"Ok, he's been at his job forever and he's looking for a better opportunity. I feel like he will be a great fit here." I talked Q up when his computer powered up.

"Got it. I'll review it sometime this week."

"Ok. Nice. One more thing and I'll be out of your hair." I stated when he went back to his laptop.

He stopped to watch me, cautiously. "Go on."

"Um... Your fiancee works with the volunteer groups right?" I asked.

"Yes..." He answered.

I took a deep breath, a little nervous to ask him a personal question with him acting so standoffish. "Online it says they have enough volunteers for the shelter on Sunday. I didn't know if there was anyway she could squeeze me in or if she knew of any other volunteer events for Sunday?" I blabbed, nervously.

"Why yes; I'm sure she can fit you in. I'll give her a call and let you know before I leave. Is that all you need?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. Thank you." I said, standing up and leaving. I thought everything concerning Paul Bolen would blow over, but judging by Adil's guarded demeanor, he was still upset at me questioning his decision. I took a deep breath, knowing I would have to make amends to get back on his good side. So when he came over to inform me his fiancee said to be there at 9am Sunday morning, I pulled him aside in the huddle room to talk while I watched the floor.

"There's one more thing. I need to apologize for my outburst a few weeks ago. It was unprofessional and it won't happen again." I apologized, hoping my voice sounded sincere.

"It's ok Dr. Harris. We all have our moments. I knew when I recommended you you were passionate about your job. I can handle an outburst here and there." Dr. Fahri replied, nonchalantly.

Inwardly, I glowered at the mention of being "passionate" and him being able to "handle" me but I kept my composure. "It wasn't even that. I let my pride get in the way of being a team player. I really thought I made the right decision by not allowing him to accelerate so soon. In the future, what did you look at to determine what was right?" I employed Ethan's kiss ass to kick ass technique.

"It all came down to liability."

"Isn't there more liability on us if Bolen gets reinjuried?" I asked.

"Not for us. My job is to facilitate cooperation: I did that and a decision was made. Clayton and Dennison signed off on his rehab plan. If anything happens Lily, we're clear." He advised me.

I took everything in me to smile. "Ok. Thank you for the information." I said, hiding my disdain. Adil knew we shouldn't have rushed his rehab, he didn't care because it didn't blow back on him. He wasn't looking out for what was best for our client; he was covering his ass!

Friday night, I was venting to Christian about Adil and him playing scapegoat instead of doing what was best for our clients when he stopped me.

"Have you thoughts about taking a break?" Christian asked me.

"Like vacation? Yeah, I have time off for my dad's wedding this summer. I can't wait."

"No, like real time off. A year or more."

"Even if I wanted to, I have these things called bills. Apparently, if you don't pay them, things get shut off or taken away." I said, sarcastically.

"You know I would take care of that. You could come on the road with me. I was thinking about our future together and I can see that." He revealed to me.

"What about kids and a house and settling down? Can you see that?" I asked him.

"I'll give you as many kids and houses as you want Lily. You believe me when I say I'll make sure you have everything you need?" Christian elaborated.

"I believe you." I said. I just needed to figure out what I wanted. I don't think I would ever want to stop working, but it was definitely fun to fantasize. We stayed up late, talking about a life of traveling and having a family. We both had absentee parent chips on our shoulder, so we agreed that once we had kids they would be our entire life. We talked of all the things we still wanted to do and experience before we had kids. 

Saturday morning, Richard was over to work on whatever "surprise" Christian bought for me and to let the lanscapers in with the plants that finally came in. Justine and I went to pick up Rocky, decked out in our Easter gear. When Rocky saw Justine's bunny ears and my Easter egg shirt, she explained it was called a Resurrection Celebration because the church felt like to much emphasis was put on the Easter bunny and eggs. Zipping up my hoodie and removing Justine's ears was a quick remedy as we headed to McKinney.

The celebration was a huge fair set up in the field located behind the church. There were multiple bounce houses, games, food stands, and a main stage. Rocky gave me a little look when I gave Brandon a huge hug and he gave me a genuine smile. We walked around, played a few games with EJ, and  hung out with Ethan who was manning a huge slide before we purchased some food and got settled with Megan and Deborah at a picnic table.

Deborah had me in stitches as she told us the story of giving birth the first time. She told Rocky how her doctor scheduled a C-section 7 months in because of the size of Ethan's head. When Megan co-signed, saying she had to have a C-section too after being in labor for a day, Rocky's eyes widen in horror. Megan had her phone out and was showing Rocky pictures of newborn EJ when Ethan joined us.

"Huh..." I said, tilting my head to examine his face. He had his signature low fade and a trimmed goatee. The burnt orange of his loose Resurrection Celebration T-shirt looked amazing with his skin tone, but I've never seen him look bad in any color. He looked great, as usual, but I still gave him a criticizing glare.

"What is it?" He asked, rubbing his facial hair.

"No. You grew into your head nicely." I teased while everyone laughed.

"I don't even want to know." Ethan shook his head.

EJ played the drums with the youth choir and praise dancers before church announcements and prayers ended the fair. Deborah was instructing Rocky to be clear with her doctor about what she wanted before she went into labor while the fair was shutting down. 

"Why don't you two spend the night? We have church in the morning and brunch at my house after." Deborah invited us. When Rocky looked over at me, I had to decline.

"I can't. I'm actually volunteering tomorrow." I explained.

"All day?"

"I'm not sure about the hours." I replied.

"What about you Racqelle? The guest room is all yours and we can talk more." She smiled at Rocky.

Rocky looked disappointed as she answered. "Lily's my ride. I wish I could."

"I will take you home." Brandon quickly offered.

Rocky looked at both of us. "Thank you. I think I will stay."

I got Justine and my things together and said goodbye to everyone. Deborah told me I could stop by her house anytime Sunday, and I agreed, knowing I would probably wouldn't. Ethan walked Justine and me to my car so I could give him EJ's Cuban candy and snack food and his souvenir of a figurine hummingbird wearing a Panama hat.

He smiled and took it. "Thank you. I don't know what I would do without my figurine collection."

"You're very welcome." I said, with a grin.

"On a serious note, thank you for talking to Brandon." Ethan said. "I know it couldn't be easy for you after everything."

"It kinda was. I've been where he was and I only had a relationship end. He had to deal with a engagement ending and becoming a dad. I know he's a good person who has made a few bad decisons but haven't we all?"

"Right, I spent so much time coming down on him for his mistakes, I didn't realize how much he was still hurting. I appreciate you for being there for him."

I smiled. "Anytime."

He opened my door for me. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Probably not."

"Why not?" He questioned me.

"Urgh... Thinking about last Easter and the resurrection of old feelings. I won't be good company." I answered honestly as I got in my car.

He nodded understandingly and closed my door. "Take care Lily."

"You too. Happy Easter."

Sunday morning, I got up bright and earlier to head to the homeless shelter. I meet with Farzan, Adil's fiancee, who signed me up, gave me a volunteer t-shirt and hairnet and had me in the kitchen mashing potatoes. I was working on a 3rd pot when I heard someone call my name.

"MonMon!" I smiled as Monica made her way over.

"Don't start!" She warned me with a smile, as we half hugged. "I didn't know you were volunteering today. Why didn't you call me?"

"It was last minute. Besides, I assumed you would be doing the family thing with your husband."

"We're doing dinner. You're welcome to come."

"Ohhh... Are you planning to hook me up with someone?"

"No. Isn't your boyfriend some rapper?"

"What? No. I don't know any rappers!" I laughed.

"Christian Wilson?"

"He's a producer and were dating but he's not my boyfriend." I explained.

"Oh. Ok. Uriel felt shitty that you made him your side dude but I'll tell him you are not official with him." Monica stated.

I put my masher down and stared at her. "He told you that?"

"No. Trent thought something was going on between you two. You just confirmed it." Monica gleamed at me.

"I didn't confirm anything." I picked back up my masher and commenced mashing.

"C'mon Lily. Did my matchmaking work? Do you like each other? I need details." She harassed me.

"If we were hanging out, the only connection we may have had was not wanting anything serious. Neither one of us are ready for a relationship." I said, vaguely.

"Hmph." Monica scoffed. "So you fucked him. Damn, Trent was right."

"Shhhh... I didn't say that!" I said in a hushed voice as I looked around at the other volunteers. "Can we focus on something else? Like goodwill and this mountain of potatoes?"

"Sorry girl. I have pea duty. Let me go open these cans." She smiled at me.

"Peas? The fuck?" I exclaimed.

"Shhh... Goodwill Lily." She said, sashaying off.

After a long day of cooking and serving, I went home super exhausted. Monica invited me over for BBQ, but I was in no mood to get dressed or socialize. Rocky text me that she made it home, so I headed to Boston Market to grab some food. I had a missed call from Ethan and I called him back as I waited in the drive thru.

"Are you still volunteering?" He asked me.

"No. I'm on my way home. Why? What's up?"

"I know you said you didn't want company, but I can drop off a plate of food if your hungry." He offered.

"Yes! Yes! Please and thank you!!!" I said, enthusiastically. I never had a bad meal from his mom.

She didn't disappoint. Ethan brought me 3 platter plates filled with ham, chicken, bacon, waffles, mini-frittatas, crepes, french toast casserole, muffins, bagels, jello salad and fresh fruit. He heated up all the hot food for me while pouring me a glass of orange juice. Deborah even made a plate for Justine with stewed vegetables and chicken. 

I was so touched by the gestures, tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't help but think of the family I desperately wanted and the one I thought I would build with Trevor. I tried to remind myself of everything I had and repeated my self affirmations in my head, but the ever observant Ethan caught my distress before I could pull myself together.

"What's wrong?" He asked me, putting my drink in front of me.

"Nothing." I shook my head. "This is why I knew I wouldn't be good company." I laughed at myself, wiping my tears away.

"Do you want me to leave?" Ethan asked, concern on his face.

"No. I'm ok. I tried to be positive and productive so I wouldn't get emotional today but I did anyway."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked me, handing me a tissue.

"No. I pay a therapist to talk about it. I'm sick of talking about it. I just wanna be over it. Do you ever wish you could snap your fingers and forget?" I dabbed my face with the tissue.

"Sometimes." He said, so softly that I wouldn't have known he spoke if I wasn't looking at him. He met my eye, and I felt something zing through me. I stared at him, and he returned my gaze and there was no doubt in my mind he felt it too. It was an awareness, something in his eyes that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Serena?" I asked, guessing if that's who he wanted to forget. Maybe that was what I was feeling: we shared the same loss and desire to move on. He shook his head and the air left my body.

"Megan?" When he shook his head again, my heart raced.

"If you say Karen, I swear to god we're not friends anymore." I joked, lightly, trying to lighten the mood and still my thumping heart.

Ethan smirked and looked down at the table. Once our eye contact broke, the air returned to my body and my heart beat slowed.

"No, not Karen. I don't even think about her, but I wouldn't want to forget her either. That experience taught me about myself and the man I want to be."

"It's that easy huh?" I thought about Trevor all the time. It was a daily struggle for me. I was so tried of struggling.

"Not every time. If there's no way to make it work, I take what I can from the situation." Ethan said, looking me in the eyes again. I broke eye contact, and looked at the microwave as it beeped, signaling the food was ready. Ethan got up to retrieve it and I made my way to the living room couch for some more space.

"Do you wanna watch a movie with me? Forrest is throwing some Pajama Jammy Jam party based off House Party for Rocky's Birthday and I need to do research." I called to him.

"Sure. That party was in the sequel." Ethan informed me, bringing me my plate on a TV tray.

I thanked him before I grabbed the remote. "You've seen them?"

"All 4. My sister was a huge Kid n Play fan."

"Oh wow, now I know I'm outta of the loop if you've seen it." I kidded, digging into my food.

"It's not a Disney movie so that doesn't shock me." He sat on the couch next to me.

"Shut up."

"Don't talk with your mouth full of food."

I flicked a piece of cantaloupe at him.

"I'm telling my mom. She'll never send a plate over for you again." He threatened me with a smirk.

"Alright. I'm sorry." I smiled, pleasantly. He wiped a crumb off my face before we settled in to watch the movie.