"So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"?
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"?
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry" Breakdown by Mariah Carey
With all the tears I cried, I thought I should be all cried out. I was hoping sooner or later I would pass out from exhaustion or dehydration. Anything was better than staying awake and dealing with the reality that Trevor had cancer and he didn't want to be with me.
The pain of rejection was a jagged sword tearing at the remains of my broken heart. As much as it hurt to admit, I didn't blame him for not wanting me around. He spent so much time taking care of me and showing how much he loved and wanted to be with me. I was so selfish and concerned about my own pain after the breakup, I didn't even realize something was seriously wrong with Trevor.
Even after the way he broke up with me which was completely out of character for him, I didn't try very hard to figure out what was going on with him. I was so desperate to move forward and show that I could live without him, I didn't investigate him leaving. I should have went to Wichita Falls as soon as I found out where he was. Instead, I started separating our stuff and buying a house. I was having celebratory dinners and trying to date while Trevor was going through chemotherapy. I would never forgive myself for that.
My thoughts were interrupted by pounding at the front door. I sat up, my head throbbing and my eyes swollen and stumbled to the front door. I looked through the peephole and saw my brother Cam with Justine. As soon as I opened the door, I fell in his arms.
As I cried more tears onto his chest, he led me to the couch and patted my back. Justine rubbed against my legs, but I ignored her.
"He's going to be ok Lily." Cam tried to soothe me.
"What if he's not?" I wept.
I couldn't believe that at our age death was a possibility. We were planning to buy a house, get married, start a family. To be confronted with death was cruel and unfair. I couldn't- I wouldn't face it. Trevor was right in that regard: I couldn't handle the possibility of him dying. I didn't want to live in a world without him in it. It was unfathomable.
"I know he will. He has too much to live for." Cam replied.
It made me cry harder knowing that I wasn't someone he wanted to live for. His final words of not wanting to spend the rest of his life trying with me kept replaying in my head. I wished I could go back in time and take away every argument and stupid careless thing I said or did to Trevor. I wasted so much time with my bullshit: doubting, testing and pushing him away. I would take it all back in a heartbeat. I needed a chance to prove to him he didn't have to take care of me- that I could be strong for him and support him like he has always done for me.
Exhausted, I finally fell asleep in my brother's arms. It reminded me of when I was younger and Cam would let me watch horror movies that he found funny. I would creep myself out and when my dad would make us go to bed, Cam would stay in my room with me until I fell asleep.
I woke up later in bed. I had a splitting headache, but I felt somewhat better. My mind was definitely clearer- less all over the place. I looked around for my phone, but it wasn't on the charger where I left it. I went out to the kitchen to find my brother, sitting at the table, talking on my phone. He stood up when he saw me and wrapped up his conversation.
"Hey sis. You hungry?" Cam asked me.
I shrugged and sat at the table. "Can I have my phone back?" I asked.
He pushed it over to me. I scrolled through the missed calls and text. I had a ton of missed calls and texts Friday from Rocky, Forrest and Cam. Saturday, I had calls from Sammy, Jordan and Amber too. Since I've been back in Dallas, I had calls from Rocky, Bilal, Sammy, Corey, J-Mike, Amber, Justin, Johnny, Ian and Donovan- everyone I sent the group text too.
I winced, thinking about how many calls Trevor's uncle and granny got, but I didn't regret my decision to send the text for a minute. I would respect that Trevor didn't want me around- but it didn't mean he should be deprived of his friends or that his friends should be left in the dark.
"Who were you talking to?" I asked, my voice raspy.
"Rocky. She's in Wichita Falls right now. She was checking on you." Cam said handing me a plate of food from the microwave.
"When are you going to see him?" I asked between bites.
"I'll drive with you whenever you go back." Cam responded.
I shook my head, forcing my tears away. "I'm not going back." I informed him.
Cam frowned. "His uncle told me what he said. I know you're hurt, but you can't hold that against him Lily."
"I'm not, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want me there." I said, staring down at my plate.
"You're going to regret not being there." Cam said softly.
"No I won't. As much as it hurts me, I have to respect his wish." I stated simply.
"I don't think that's what he really wants." Cam argued.
"You didn't see him." I said, frustrated. "He was so mad at me- Madder than I ever seen him. He didn't tell me he was sick because he didn't think I can handle it." I admitted, trying to stay calm.
"Then prove to him that you can. Don't get angry- be there for him." Cam repeated.
"I'm not angry!!!" I snapped, loudly. When he looked at me with disbelief, I started again."He doesn't want to deal with me. I've been selfish enough- it's always been about what I want or need. I'm not going to fight him anymore." I finished, quietly.
Thankfully, he didn't say anything else.
That night, I spent going through my texts and answering all the questions I had answers too. It seemed phlegmatic to be discussing Trevor's cancer through text, but it was the easiest way for me. I could copy and paste information, talk about the severity of Trevor's cancer without getting choked up and answer the questions and comments about my well being with the same lies over and over again. Almost everyone immediately planned to see Trevor. I told them to text Trevor's uncle first to get more information. I couldn't coordinate arrivals since Trevor didn't want me there.
The only text that made me upset was the ones I got from Jordan. It was all day Saturday about the Taylor Swift concert. With everything going on, I admit, I completely forgot and she accused me of blowing her off. The tickets were a gift though; I never told her I would go with her. Granted, she didn't know what was going on, but I let her have it anyway.
Me: Fuck the concert, fuck Taylor Swift and fuck you too!!! The tickets were a gift I will gladly pay for if you leave me the fuck alone. Text me your PayPal and don't fucking text me again after that you psycho bitch!
After that, I spent the rest of the night looking up chemotherapy side effects and treatment tips.
Monday morning, I got up early to go shopping. I told Cam not to leave for Wichita Falls until I got back. I went to the pharmacy Corey worked at and bought a mouth wash for the sores in his mouth and miracle candies that were supposed to be good for nausea. I found soda flavor chapsticks for his lips there too. He was constantly licking them because they were dry and I knew he would appreciate the soda flavors. Next, I found him a few different meal replacement drinks at a local grocery store. Since it was easier for him to drink than eat, his uncle made him fruit smoothies with protein. He was a milkshake fan so I bought him chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, peanut butter and banana to try. Last, I went to a department store and bought Trevor a few items, including a snuggie and house slippers in his favorite color and pattern- blue check flannel.
I still had ideas of things I found online, but they required time that I didn't have. They were more personal and how I planned to support him without physically being there. I figured what I got was enough for now to start proving I would take care of him. My brother loaded everything up before getting on the road. The only message I told him to tell Trevor was "I lava you". Cam made a confused face, but nodded.
I went to work early, hoping to catch Adil. He was at the hospital, but thankfully, he was willing to stop by the clinic before Dr. Clayton left. I was going through the huddle board with the evening therapists when Adil came in.
"Let me know if you have any questions." I tried to finish up rapidly as Adil came over.
"Dr. Harris, what should I do if I ran out of characters on the chart?" Fallon, one of our new therapist asked.
"Dr. Charles, can you show Dr. Barber how to access additional notes on the tablet?" I asked.
"Sure boss lady." Dr. Charles smiled.
"Dr. Harris." Adil corrected him with a stern look before I dismissed them.
"Make sure you maintain professionalism with everyone." Adil coached me as we went into the conference room. I nodded, unfazed by his criticism. I had bigger concerns. After we sat down, I told him about Trevor diagnosis.
"Stage 3? Lily, I'm so sorry to hear that." He said, sympathetically.
"Thanks. I really just wanted to know my options as far as time off goes." I hurried on.
"You still have your vacation time. Put in the request, 2 weeks in advance, and you should be fine." Adil answered.
I cocked my head at him. "Request? It's not going to be a request. I will need certain days off. " I told him, as calmly as I could.
He cleared his throat and looked me straight in the eye. "Even if you qualified for FMLA, you don't because you haven't been here a year, he's just your boyfriend. It wouldn't be classified as family. Vacation time is your only option." Adil stated.
Just my boyfriend? Not even that.
I clenched my fist, angrily. "I don't care if I get paid. I just need the time off." I clarified.
"The only way you can have time off is your vacation and sick days. Those are the procedures.
"Well, heads up. My boyfriend is going through chemotherapy- if things happens and when he has surgery, I'm not going to be here. It might not be 2 weeks in advance. I just wanted to let you know." I reiterated, between clenched teeth.
"I understand what you're going through-" Adil started.
"I seriously doubt it, unless you had a boyfriend with cancer." I answered, snarkily.
He watched me solemnly before nodding. " "Of course. Once again, I'm very sorry. We'll see what we can do."
I stood up. "Thank you." I said, before leaving the conference room.
The rest of the day, I spent in a shitty mood, I was filled with so much anger. I saw where Adil was coming from- as team lead, it would be harder to replace me. That's why he questioned my commitment before recommending me. I remembered how he said sometimes the job came first. Dr. Tran expressed how important it was to be readily available, especially during basketball season which was starting. I said I could, but at the time, I never imagined Trevor would be fighting cancer.
Even if he didn't want me by his side at the moment, sick or not, Trevor trumped my job- everyday of the week. I was hoping once Trevor saw I was willing to respect his decisions and still be supportive, he would change his mind about being able to do this together. I wanted to give Adil, Dr. Tran, and anyone else who needed to know fair notice.
When I got in my car, I saw I had a miss call from Cam. Panic laced through me, but I told myself he was probably just checking in.
He answered when I called him back. "What does lava you mean?" He asked.
"Basically he's my dream come true and I'll love him forever. Did he say it back?" I asked, eagerly.
"No," my heart sank. "but he didn't have to. His face said it all. This is one fight I think you need to have with him Lily."
"How did he act around you?" I asked.
"Surprisingly the same. It was normal- except when we talked about you." Cam answered.
That really didn't tell me anything. Cam was my brother, of course it would be uncomfortable talking about me.
"I'll think about it."
"Heads up. Rocky has a key to your place. She'll be back tomorrow." He said.
"Ok. Thanks."
When I got to my apartment, after I fed Justine, I took a few Tylenol PMs and jumped in the shower. I figured I would talk to Rocky as soon as she got back. I gave her the same standard responses as everyone else, but I was ready to talk to her now. She was Trevor's and my friend. Really, she was Trevor's friend first. She would be the best person to help me decide if I should fight to be by his side or wait for him.
When I started to feel drowsy, I turned off the water, dried off and threw on some clothes. Justine and I went to bed, and I was out before any more thoughts crossed my mind.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
If I Were A Boy Outro
"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed...
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah, you don’t understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy" If I Were A Boy by Beyonce
"Lily, answer me." I heard my brother command when I finally retrieved my phone.
My heart and mind were racing. Trevor was sick? With the same thing his dad had? His dad had cancer. His dad died from cancer. Just thinking of the c-word terrified me. He couldn't be sick- It didn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he tell me? Craig must have gotten it wrong...
Then, I remembered. How Trevor said he would propose. He said he would lie about being sick, get everyone involved, and then propose after admitting he was ok. At the time, I thought he was joking.
"If Trevor put you up to this shit, it's not funny. Tell him I said he can fuck off! I meant it when I said I was fucking done!" I ranted to my brother, anger overriding my fear.
"Lily, I'm on my way there right now. As soon as as I land in Dallas, I'll call you. Just hold tight. Don't do anything until I get there. We'll figure this out together." Cam said, in a gentle, calm voice that let me he was trying to placate me.
"You don't need to do that. I'll call you later." I said, hanging up my phone.
I sat there in my car for a moment, mulling things over. I didn't know what to think- so I called Bilal. The last thing Trevor did was go to Austin before he broke up with me. I knew I could have called Bilal at any point or time after the break up. I knew Bilal would be honest and tell me what was going on with Trevor. Before, I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. It was hard enough knowing that Trevor didn't want to be with me- I just gotten to the point where I could tell others we weren't together anymore. To know he discussed it with his friends was a humiliation I didn't want to go through, but I needed to know the truth now.
"Hello?" Bilal answered the phone, his voice neutral.
"Hey Bilal. Do you have Trevor's new number?" I asked.
"I do... but I think it's probably best if you two take a break from each other." Bilal replied.
"We have- I just need to know why he left me. The real reason- not the lines he fed me. I deserve the truth right?" I asked.
Bilal let out a shaky breath. "Sometimes the truth hurts and he was trying to spare you some of that. Isn't it better he ended it now before it got anymore serious?" Bilal answered.
What Bilal didn't understand is that we were already serious. I was planning our wedding, looking into houses, preparing for our fucking future together. These were all the things that Trevor wanted, no, that he pushed for.
"That's the problem Bilal. In my mind, it was serious. I was ready to spend my life with him. Him disappearing doesn't spare my feelings; I need to know the truth." I pleaded, my voice breaking up.
After a moment of silence, Bilal finally spoke up. "He doesn't have those feelings for you anymore. I hate that you got hurt while he figured it out. I was surprised by it too but sometimes the heart wants what it wants- and sometimes it doesn't."
"Ok. Thank you Bilal. I guess I just needed to hear it to let him go." I lied while I contemplated what he just told me.
I knew if Trevor told him that, it was complete bullshit. Maybe if Bilal said Trevor cheated on me or he didn't want to be at odds with his mom or he changed his mind about getting married, I would have believed it and let it go. The excuse Trevor gave Bilal didn't ring true. I wouldn't argue that something was wrong with Trevor or me or us- but not having feelings wasn't it.
I was devastated by the way he left me, I didn't question that him ending things with me the way he did made no fucking sense. Ghosting me, maybe- but leaving his job and moving to Wichita Falls? No way. All I was focusing on was getting over him and not figuring out what happened and why. The fact that he lied to his best friend coupled with my brother's information made my stomach curdle with dread. I had to figure out what was going on.
"Before you go, do you have his uncle's or grandmother's number? I need to arrange to send his stuff out to him." I asked quickly before he hung up.
"I just have his mom's number."
After Bilal rattled it off to me, I hung up and prepared to call Trevor's mother. I debated if I should block my number but I didn't. She probably took my number out her phone, if she ever had it at all, as soon as Trevor broke up with me. It rang 3 times before she picked up.
"Hello?" She answered, her voice betraying no emotions.
"Mrs. Tobin, I need to speak to Trevor." I told her, mustering up all the patience I had. I really had no intentions to every speak to this lady again, but I kept my anger in check in order to find out the truth."
"May I ask who's speaking?" She replied in the same tone.
I thought about lying, but I decided against it."It's Lily-" I barely got out, before she cut me off.
"He can't come to the phone and even if he could, he doesn't want to speak with you. Don't call here again." She said, nastily.
"We closed on a house; signed a loan together. I'm not shouldering that responsibility on my own. You can put him on the phone or he can hear from my lawyer." I bluffed. I figured one of a few things could happen- she hand the phone over to Trevor, give me his number, or hang up. I liked the odds so I took the risk. It paid off. Majorly.
"You listen to me, you gold digging tramp." She spewed at me. I could feel the hate and venom in her voice even over the phone. "You will not threaten him! My son is fighting for his life- "
She went on, but I stopped listening. As soon as she revealed he was fighting for his life, I hung up. I put the car in reverse and backed out of Rocky's drive way. In less then two hours, I was in Wichita Falls. It was like an out of body experience where I could see what I was doing but felt detached from myself. I looked at my phone and saw it was down to 20% battery life and I had missed calls from my brother and Rocky. I didn't even hear my phone ring. I scrolled through my recent places on my map and found his mom's address from when I drove there before.
I pulled up and parked on the street. Getting ready for the upcoming battle brought me back to myself. I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins as took long strides to the door. I rang the doorbell for a good solid 5 minutes, pondering if I could kick down the door, before I wondered if anyone was home. I walked around the house, observing the dark windows before seeing no cars in the back.
I walked back to the front, debating what to do next. My heart fluttered, thinking about him being in the hospital. I could try to call all of them in the area, but even if I did find him, visiting hours would be over. I got back in my car, wishing I had his grandmother's or his uncle's number. I then remembered his grandmother lived close by. I thought back to last year, at Thanksgiving.
Trevor showed me a Walgreens that was in walking distance from his grandmother's house. He told me about doing odd jobs and scrounging for change around his grandmother's house to buy candy all the time. When I saw the Walgreens, I remembered all this and the fact there was a huge incline to the Walgreens. The first time I saw it, I recalled thinking I would have never made it as a kid if I had to make the steep trek up to the store, candy or not. I found the incline and made my way down.
It was dark and nothing looked familiar, but thankfully I saw Trevor's Honda sitting outside a house. I breathed a sigh of relief, before making my way to the house. I noticed lights, but I knocked on the door patiently instead of like I did at his mom's house. Heavy footsteps approached the door, and I held my breath, hoping it was Trevor.
When Trevor's uncle Jimmy opened the door, I realized Trevor was really sick. Jimmy and Trevor's grandmother Helen did not get along. For Jimmy to leave the country and be at her house, Trevor had to be ill. Gasping, struggling to get air back in my body, I tried to find the right words to say. Nothing came out.
"Lily?" Jimmy questioned me, looking concerned.
"I-I" I stuttered, willing myself not to break down.
Suddenly, Trevor's mother appeared at the door. Confusion turned to rage as her eyes clashed with mine.
"You have a lot of nerve. I told you to forget you knew my son. You turn around and leave right now." She hissed at me, moving to slam the door in my face.
Jimmy stopped her, grabbing the door and watching me. "Hold on Tracy. I want to hear what she has to say." Jimmy said, never taking his eyes off of me.
"She wants to sue him over a loan. That's all she's ever been about- money. She doesn't care about Trevor. If you wanna talk to her, you both can leave!" Tracy ordered, her eyes bugging wildly.
I put my head down in shame for the lie I told. "Don't raise your voice at me! Trevor didn't sign any loan. Stay outta this- you know it doesn't concern you." Jimmy bellowed.
"Anything having to do with my son-" Tracy started, trying to speak over Jimmy.
"What in the world is going on out here?" Trevor's grandmother came to the door. She took one look at me and opened the door wider. "Come in." She ushered me in.
"Helen no-" Tracy exclaimed.
"This is my house. Come on in." Helen told her, walking me to the living room. We sat on the couch and I finally found my voice.
"Trevor's here?" I asked, shakily.
Helen nodded as Jimmy joined us.
"He wanted to stay with me, but the hospital is 10 minutes away from here." Jimmy added, shooting a glance at Tracy who stood, fuming in the entrance way.
The mention of the hospital made me shiver out of fear.
"What's wr-ong with him?" I stammered, knowing the answer, but still not wanting to hear it.
Jimmy shook his head, looking both confused and upset. The tears I was trying so hard to hold in fell before Helen answered, "He has cancer dear."
I couldn't hold it in any longer- I erupted in sobs. I covered my face, trying to force myself to stop. I didn't want to cry in front of them, especially not Trevor's mom. I retold myself every lecture my dad gave me about being a big girl and how tears solved nothing. No matter how many times I replayed the speech in my mind, the tears kept coming.
"He's young and healthy and they found it early enough. He's going to be ok." Helen said.
It sounded wrong to use young, healthy and cancer all in the same breath. I knew cancer wasn't necessarily a death sentence, but it had to be bad for Trevor to just up and leave. It made me cry harder, my body shaking as I wept.
Jimmy came be my side, putting an arm around me and rubbing my shoulder. "We have to be strong. He needs our support to fight this." Jimmy lectured me.
That caused me to regain control of myself. I sniffled and gulped down deep breaths. I wiped the tears from my face as they gradually slowed, then stopped.
Jimmy handed me a tissue before speaking again."He's sleep right now, but before you see him-" Jimmy started.
"See him?!? How do you think he's going to react when he sees her? " Tracy blurted out.
I looked up at her, letting my anger at the whole situation rise and spill out on her. "I'm not leaving unless he tells me to!" I seethed at her. I turned away from her and to Helen. "Is it ok if I see him?"
"Of course. He's in the back room to the left." She instructed me.
Tracy interrupted her. "What happened to state of mind being the biggest part of his treatment? He doesn't want her here! There's a reason for that!"
"Probably the same reason none of his friends came to visit. She stays. If you don't like it, you know where the door is." Helen said when finality. After a brief stare down, Tracy turned on her heel and left, slamming the front door as she left. I flinched at the loud sound.
"He just did chemo, so don't be surprised if he's out of it most of the time." Jimmy informed me, ignoring Tracy's dramatic exit. I went into the bathroom and cleaned my face before walking toward the room. Jimmy was waiting for me in the hallway. "Ready?"
I nodded quickly, anxious to see Trevor. The light from the hallway dimly lit the room. I made my way around the cushioned reclining chair and next to the bed where Trevor slept.
He looked so fragile and small curled up in the green throw blanket I got for his granny on Mother's Day. If Jimmy didn't warn me about the chemo, I would have know by the lost of hair on his head. He looked exhausted even as he slept- he had dark hollows under his eyes and his skin was so pale. I reached out to touch his face. Everything Jimmy said about being strong went out the window when I touched him. His clammy skin damped with cold sweat made me pulled away quickly, a sob escaping my mouth before I could suppress it.
Trevor's forehead creased with wrinkles, before his eyes opened. He blinked a few times before focusing on me. I reached out again to hold his hand, but he pulled away.
"Trevor." I hiccuped, failing to keep it together. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be strong.
"What are you doing here?" He finally said, licking his dry lips in between words.
"I came to see you." I responded, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.
He kicked off the blanket. When he struggled to sit up, I offered a hand. He pulled away like my touch burned him.
"I got it." He said, sitting up then attempting to stand up.
"You don't need to get up for me." I stopped him.
"I'm not. I'm going to the bathroom." He snapped at me, standing up and tottered towards the door.
"I can help." I said, offering my arm so he could hold on to me.
"I can do it myself." He said, dismissively before leaving the room.
A few moments later, Jimmy came back with clean sheets. I helped him change them. "On his first round of chemo, he was in a foul mood up until the end of the 2nd week. We're still on week 1. Don't be surprised if he's irritated." Jimmy explained as we worked.
I nodded as we finished changing the sheets. I didn't care what kind of mood he was in as long as I got to see him. Afterwards, Jimmy turned to me. "There's a guest bedroom and you're welcome to it."
"Is it ok if I stay in here with him?" I asked.
"Sure-"
"She's not staying." Trevor said as he shuffled his way back in the room.
Jimmy went to give him a hand, which he accepted. "It's the middle of the night boy- she's not going anywhere." He told Trevor. Once he had him in bed, he started again. "I'm going to be in the front room if you need anything."
Trevor nodded, a grim look on his face before Jimmy left us alone.
"If you don't want me in the same room, I'll go to the guest room." I offered.
"Who told you? Granny or Jimmy?" He asked, his eyes flashing anger.
He glared at me, waiting for an answer. I lamely shook my head. "Your mom really. I called her after Cam spoke to Craig."
Realization passed over his face. "Fucking Craig." He muttered, his eyes fluttering closed. Truthfully, I was relieved when he fell back to sleep. He was so upset, I was sure he was exhausted and needed rest. I crawled in bed with him, cuddling close without disturbing him. I felt drowsy as soon as my head touched the pillow and was sleep soon after that.
The next morning, I woke up determined to be strong and support Trevor. He was still knocked out and I pressed a kiss on his forehead before heading to the kitchen. Thankfully, his mom didn't return and it was me, Helen and Jimmy. They filled me in on Trevor's condition and treatment. He had stage 3 cancer- it hadn't spread to other organs but to lymph nodes near the tumor. His doctors elected to treat with aggressive chemotherapy first to shrink the tumor then surgical remove it. He had several more rounds of chemo before the surgery.
It was hard not to get upset when confronted with the severity of his cancer. I focused on my game plan instead. The first thing I wanted to do was talk to the doctor. Even though Jimmy and Helen both seemed optimistic about his treatment, I wanted to hear it for myself. Jimmy was blending up a fruit smoothie, with vegetables and protein powder too, when Trevor joined us.
I couldn't help notice how different he was and not just appearance wise all weekend. When he wasn't slept or sick to his stomach, he didn't speak unless spoken to, didn't return my smiles, hugs or touches of affection, and wouldn't look me in the eye. I reminded myself what Jimmy said about him being irritable and out of it. I tried not to focus on it and dedicated myself to learning his routine and regiment.
"Why are you teaching her that? She's going home soon." Trevor stated when his grandmother showed me the different medicine he was talking to combat the side effects of chemo. He was picking at the egg noodles with butter and Parmesan cheese that Helen said he loved growing up.
"I'll be back Monday." I said quickly, assuming he meant my work schedule. I already thought that through. "I work the evening shift. I get off around 7. That put me here around 9. I wouldn't have to leave until around noon. And I'll be here on the weekends of course." I responded. It might be difficult, but I would work it out for the time being.
"No, you won't." Trevor said, stubbornly like a little boy. I looked at Jimmy for help.
"That would help out a lot. I have to be in the country or Lisa will try to change everything. Besides, your granny could use a break, even if it's only every other weekend." Jimmy reasoned.
"I told y'all I'll hire a home health nurse. I'll do it Monday since I'm such a burden." Trevor said, abrasively. I tried so hard to be patient with him the entire weekend, but his tone reminded me so much of his mother, it was starting to upset me.
"Nobody said you were a burden. If Lily wants to be here for you, let her." Helen responded.
"No." Trevor said plainly before pushing his plate away and leaving the room. I got used to leaving him alone, but this time I followed him.
He was sitting in his reclining chair, scratching at his socks.
"Why don't you want me here?" I demanded, looking him straight in the eye. That was the worst physical change for me-looking into his eyes worried me more than anything I heard or seen. Even in the daylight, his blue eyes looked dull and lifeless.
"Because this is something I have to do alone." He muttered, looking away from me.
"I don't understand. I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I should have been here every step of the way-"
"I didn't want you here Lily. I still don't want you here!" He declared.
"Why?" I asked, fighting to stay strong. I had to get through to him. I couldn't do that if I got over emotional like I usually did.
"I can't put you through this."
"That's not fair. It's my decision. I can handle it." I said, confidently.
"You don't have to. I don't want you to." He argued.
I shook my head, refusing to crumble. "No. We said the only way we would break up is if we tried and it didn't work out. I love you too much to leave you. We will get through this, together."
He finally looked me in the eye. "What happens if I die-"
I cut him off before he could finish that sentence. "Don't say that."
"LILY-" He started, raising his voice.
"You can't think like that." I interrupted him again, shaking my head.
"YES I FUCKING CAN! YOU SAY YOU CAN HANDLE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN FACE THE TRUTH THAT I MIGHT DIE!" He yelled at me. I froze and looked at him, stunned silent. My armor broke and tears welled up in my eyes as he continued. "We can't do this together- It was hard enough before I had cancer. Now, I have to be a brave solider and fight cancer. I can't do that and take care of you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying with you."
I stood there, fighting back more tears. I bit my lip before leaving the room. When I came out into the kitchen, Helen was wiping her eyes and Jimmy immediately came to comfort me. I stopped him.
"I'm gonna go." I said, brokenly.
Jimmy nodded but looked disappointed. "Give him some time. It's a bad week."
I went to put their numbers in my phone and realized my phone was dead. I wrote them down instead before I left. I drove back home, wanted to get as far away from Trevor and his cutting but truthful words. Throughout our relationship, I made things so incredible hard and difficult. Just us getting together was an uphill battle for Trevor and it didn't get easier from there. I didn't blame him for not wanting me by his side, even if it hurt me to the core.
When I got back to Dallas, I pulled out my phone. I composed a group text.
Me: Trevor has colon cancer. He already started chemotherapy and is staying with his granny in Wichita Falls. This is her and his uncle Jimmy's phone number.
I sent it out and put my phone away. Just because he didn't want me around doesn't mean he shouldn't have his friends. I curled up in our bed, under our covers, and cried for Trevor.
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed...
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah, you don’t understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy" If I Were A Boy by Beyonce
"Lily, answer me." I heard my brother command when I finally retrieved my phone.
My heart and mind were racing. Trevor was sick? With the same thing his dad had? His dad had cancer. His dad died from cancer. Just thinking of the c-word terrified me. He couldn't be sick- It didn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he tell me? Craig must have gotten it wrong...
Then, I remembered. How Trevor said he would propose. He said he would lie about being sick, get everyone involved, and then propose after admitting he was ok. At the time, I thought he was joking.
"If Trevor put you up to this shit, it's not funny. Tell him I said he can fuck off! I meant it when I said I was fucking done!" I ranted to my brother, anger overriding my fear.
"Lily, I'm on my way there right now. As soon as as I land in Dallas, I'll call you. Just hold tight. Don't do anything until I get there. We'll figure this out together." Cam said, in a gentle, calm voice that let me he was trying to placate me.
"You don't need to do that. I'll call you later." I said, hanging up my phone.
I sat there in my car for a moment, mulling things over. I didn't know what to think- so I called Bilal. The last thing Trevor did was go to Austin before he broke up with me. I knew I could have called Bilal at any point or time after the break up. I knew Bilal would be honest and tell me what was going on with Trevor. Before, I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. It was hard enough knowing that Trevor didn't want to be with me- I just gotten to the point where I could tell others we weren't together anymore. To know he discussed it with his friends was a humiliation I didn't want to go through, but I needed to know the truth now.
"Hello?" Bilal answered the phone, his voice neutral.
"Hey Bilal. Do you have Trevor's new number?" I asked.
"I do... but I think it's probably best if you two take a break from each other." Bilal replied.
"We have- I just need to know why he left me. The real reason- not the lines he fed me. I deserve the truth right?" I asked.
Bilal let out a shaky breath. "Sometimes the truth hurts and he was trying to spare you some of that. Isn't it better he ended it now before it got anymore serious?" Bilal answered.
What Bilal didn't understand is that we were already serious. I was planning our wedding, looking into houses, preparing for our fucking future together. These were all the things that Trevor wanted, no, that he pushed for.
"That's the problem Bilal. In my mind, it was serious. I was ready to spend my life with him. Him disappearing doesn't spare my feelings; I need to know the truth." I pleaded, my voice breaking up.
After a moment of silence, Bilal finally spoke up. "He doesn't have those feelings for you anymore. I hate that you got hurt while he figured it out. I was surprised by it too but sometimes the heart wants what it wants- and sometimes it doesn't."
"Ok. Thank you Bilal. I guess I just needed to hear it to let him go." I lied while I contemplated what he just told me.
I knew if Trevor told him that, it was complete bullshit. Maybe if Bilal said Trevor cheated on me or he didn't want to be at odds with his mom or he changed his mind about getting married, I would have believed it and let it go. The excuse Trevor gave Bilal didn't ring true. I wouldn't argue that something was wrong with Trevor or me or us- but not having feelings wasn't it.
I was devastated by the way he left me, I didn't question that him ending things with me the way he did made no fucking sense. Ghosting me, maybe- but leaving his job and moving to Wichita Falls? No way. All I was focusing on was getting over him and not figuring out what happened and why. The fact that he lied to his best friend coupled with my brother's information made my stomach curdle with dread. I had to figure out what was going on.
"Before you go, do you have his uncle's or grandmother's number? I need to arrange to send his stuff out to him." I asked quickly before he hung up.
"I just have his mom's number."
After Bilal rattled it off to me, I hung up and prepared to call Trevor's mother. I debated if I should block my number but I didn't. She probably took my number out her phone, if she ever had it at all, as soon as Trevor broke up with me. It rang 3 times before she picked up.
"Hello?" She answered, her voice betraying no emotions.
"Mrs. Tobin, I need to speak to Trevor." I told her, mustering up all the patience I had. I really had no intentions to every speak to this lady again, but I kept my anger in check in order to find out the truth."
"May I ask who's speaking?" She replied in the same tone.
I thought about lying, but I decided against it."It's Lily-" I barely got out, before she cut me off.
"He can't come to the phone and even if he could, he doesn't want to speak with you. Don't call here again." She said, nastily.
"We closed on a house; signed a loan together. I'm not shouldering that responsibility on my own. You can put him on the phone or he can hear from my lawyer." I bluffed. I figured one of a few things could happen- she hand the phone over to Trevor, give me his number, or hang up. I liked the odds so I took the risk. It paid off. Majorly.
"You listen to me, you gold digging tramp." She spewed at me. I could feel the hate and venom in her voice even over the phone. "You will not threaten him! My son is fighting for his life- "
She went on, but I stopped listening. As soon as she revealed he was fighting for his life, I hung up. I put the car in reverse and backed out of Rocky's drive way. In less then two hours, I was in Wichita Falls. It was like an out of body experience where I could see what I was doing but felt detached from myself. I looked at my phone and saw it was down to 20% battery life and I had missed calls from my brother and Rocky. I didn't even hear my phone ring. I scrolled through my recent places on my map and found his mom's address from when I drove there before.
I pulled up and parked on the street. Getting ready for the upcoming battle brought me back to myself. I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins as took long strides to the door. I rang the doorbell for a good solid 5 minutes, pondering if I could kick down the door, before I wondered if anyone was home. I walked around the house, observing the dark windows before seeing no cars in the back.
I walked back to the front, debating what to do next. My heart fluttered, thinking about him being in the hospital. I could try to call all of them in the area, but even if I did find him, visiting hours would be over. I got back in my car, wishing I had his grandmother's or his uncle's number. I then remembered his grandmother lived close by. I thought back to last year, at Thanksgiving.
Trevor showed me a Walgreens that was in walking distance from his grandmother's house. He told me about doing odd jobs and scrounging for change around his grandmother's house to buy candy all the time. When I saw the Walgreens, I remembered all this and the fact there was a huge incline to the Walgreens. The first time I saw it, I recalled thinking I would have never made it as a kid if I had to make the steep trek up to the store, candy or not. I found the incline and made my way down.
It was dark and nothing looked familiar, but thankfully I saw Trevor's Honda sitting outside a house. I breathed a sigh of relief, before making my way to the house. I noticed lights, but I knocked on the door patiently instead of like I did at his mom's house. Heavy footsteps approached the door, and I held my breath, hoping it was Trevor.
When Trevor's uncle Jimmy opened the door, I realized Trevor was really sick. Jimmy and Trevor's grandmother Helen did not get along. For Jimmy to leave the country and be at her house, Trevor had to be ill. Gasping, struggling to get air back in my body, I tried to find the right words to say. Nothing came out.
"Lily?" Jimmy questioned me, looking concerned.
"I-I" I stuttered, willing myself not to break down.
Suddenly, Trevor's mother appeared at the door. Confusion turned to rage as her eyes clashed with mine.
"You have a lot of nerve. I told you to forget you knew my son. You turn around and leave right now." She hissed at me, moving to slam the door in my face.
Jimmy stopped her, grabbing the door and watching me. "Hold on Tracy. I want to hear what she has to say." Jimmy said, never taking his eyes off of me.
"She wants to sue him over a loan. That's all she's ever been about- money. She doesn't care about Trevor. If you wanna talk to her, you both can leave!" Tracy ordered, her eyes bugging wildly.
I put my head down in shame for the lie I told. "Don't raise your voice at me! Trevor didn't sign any loan. Stay outta this- you know it doesn't concern you." Jimmy bellowed.
"Anything having to do with my son-" Tracy started, trying to speak over Jimmy.
"What in the world is going on out here?" Trevor's grandmother came to the door. She took one look at me and opened the door wider. "Come in." She ushered me in.
"Helen no-" Tracy exclaimed.
"This is my house. Come on in." Helen told her, walking me to the living room. We sat on the couch and I finally found my voice.
"Trevor's here?" I asked, shakily.
Helen nodded as Jimmy joined us.
"He wanted to stay with me, but the hospital is 10 minutes away from here." Jimmy added, shooting a glance at Tracy who stood, fuming in the entrance way.
The mention of the hospital made me shiver out of fear.
"What's wr-ong with him?" I stammered, knowing the answer, but still not wanting to hear it.
Jimmy shook his head, looking both confused and upset. The tears I was trying so hard to hold in fell before Helen answered, "He has cancer dear."
I couldn't hold it in any longer- I erupted in sobs. I covered my face, trying to force myself to stop. I didn't want to cry in front of them, especially not Trevor's mom. I retold myself every lecture my dad gave me about being a big girl and how tears solved nothing. No matter how many times I replayed the speech in my mind, the tears kept coming.
"He's young and healthy and they found it early enough. He's going to be ok." Helen said.
It sounded wrong to use young, healthy and cancer all in the same breath. I knew cancer wasn't necessarily a death sentence, but it had to be bad for Trevor to just up and leave. It made me cry harder, my body shaking as I wept.
Jimmy came be my side, putting an arm around me and rubbing my shoulder. "We have to be strong. He needs our support to fight this." Jimmy lectured me.
That caused me to regain control of myself. I sniffled and gulped down deep breaths. I wiped the tears from my face as they gradually slowed, then stopped.
Jimmy handed me a tissue before speaking again."He's sleep right now, but before you see him-" Jimmy started.
"See him?!? How do you think he's going to react when he sees her? " Tracy blurted out.
I looked up at her, letting my anger at the whole situation rise and spill out on her. "I'm not leaving unless he tells me to!" I seethed at her. I turned away from her and to Helen. "Is it ok if I see him?"
"Of course. He's in the back room to the left." She instructed me.
Tracy interrupted her. "What happened to state of mind being the biggest part of his treatment? He doesn't want her here! There's a reason for that!"
"Probably the same reason none of his friends came to visit. She stays. If you don't like it, you know where the door is." Helen said when finality. After a brief stare down, Tracy turned on her heel and left, slamming the front door as she left. I flinched at the loud sound.
"He just did chemo, so don't be surprised if he's out of it most of the time." Jimmy informed me, ignoring Tracy's dramatic exit. I went into the bathroom and cleaned my face before walking toward the room. Jimmy was waiting for me in the hallway. "Ready?"
I nodded quickly, anxious to see Trevor. The light from the hallway dimly lit the room. I made my way around the cushioned reclining chair and next to the bed where Trevor slept.
He looked so fragile and small curled up in the green throw blanket I got for his granny on Mother's Day. If Jimmy didn't warn me about the chemo, I would have know by the lost of hair on his head. He looked exhausted even as he slept- he had dark hollows under his eyes and his skin was so pale. I reached out to touch his face. Everything Jimmy said about being strong went out the window when I touched him. His clammy skin damped with cold sweat made me pulled away quickly, a sob escaping my mouth before I could suppress it.
Trevor's forehead creased with wrinkles, before his eyes opened. He blinked a few times before focusing on me. I reached out again to hold his hand, but he pulled away.
"Trevor." I hiccuped, failing to keep it together. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be strong.
"What are you doing here?" He finally said, licking his dry lips in between words.
"I came to see you." I responded, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.
He kicked off the blanket. When he struggled to sit up, I offered a hand. He pulled away like my touch burned him.
"I got it." He said, sitting up then attempting to stand up.
"You don't need to get up for me." I stopped him.
"I'm not. I'm going to the bathroom." He snapped at me, standing up and tottered towards the door.
"I can help." I said, offering my arm so he could hold on to me.
"I can do it myself." He said, dismissively before leaving the room.
A few moments later, Jimmy came back with clean sheets. I helped him change them. "On his first round of chemo, he was in a foul mood up until the end of the 2nd week. We're still on week 1. Don't be surprised if he's irritated." Jimmy explained as we worked.
I nodded as we finished changing the sheets. I didn't care what kind of mood he was in as long as I got to see him. Afterwards, Jimmy turned to me. "There's a guest bedroom and you're welcome to it."
"Is it ok if I stay in here with him?" I asked.
"Sure-"
"She's not staying." Trevor said as he shuffled his way back in the room.
Jimmy went to give him a hand, which he accepted. "It's the middle of the night boy- she's not going anywhere." He told Trevor. Once he had him in bed, he started again. "I'm going to be in the front room if you need anything."
Trevor nodded, a grim look on his face before Jimmy left us alone.
"If you don't want me in the same room, I'll go to the guest room." I offered.
"Who told you? Granny or Jimmy?" He asked, his eyes flashing anger.
He glared at me, waiting for an answer. I lamely shook my head. "Your mom really. I called her after Cam spoke to Craig."
Realization passed over his face. "Fucking Craig." He muttered, his eyes fluttering closed. Truthfully, I was relieved when he fell back to sleep. He was so upset, I was sure he was exhausted and needed rest. I crawled in bed with him, cuddling close without disturbing him. I felt drowsy as soon as my head touched the pillow and was sleep soon after that.
The next morning, I woke up determined to be strong and support Trevor. He was still knocked out and I pressed a kiss on his forehead before heading to the kitchen. Thankfully, his mom didn't return and it was me, Helen and Jimmy. They filled me in on Trevor's condition and treatment. He had stage 3 cancer- it hadn't spread to other organs but to lymph nodes near the tumor. His doctors elected to treat with aggressive chemotherapy first to shrink the tumor then surgical remove it. He had several more rounds of chemo before the surgery.
It was hard not to get upset when confronted with the severity of his cancer. I focused on my game plan instead. The first thing I wanted to do was talk to the doctor. Even though Jimmy and Helen both seemed optimistic about his treatment, I wanted to hear it for myself. Jimmy was blending up a fruit smoothie, with vegetables and protein powder too, when Trevor joined us.
I couldn't help notice how different he was and not just appearance wise all weekend. When he wasn't slept or sick to his stomach, he didn't speak unless spoken to, didn't return my smiles, hugs or touches of affection, and wouldn't look me in the eye. I reminded myself what Jimmy said about him being irritable and out of it. I tried not to focus on it and dedicated myself to learning his routine and regiment.
"Why are you teaching her that? She's going home soon." Trevor stated when his grandmother showed me the different medicine he was talking to combat the side effects of chemo. He was picking at the egg noodles with butter and Parmesan cheese that Helen said he loved growing up.
"I'll be back Monday." I said quickly, assuming he meant my work schedule. I already thought that through. "I work the evening shift. I get off around 7. That put me here around 9. I wouldn't have to leave until around noon. And I'll be here on the weekends of course." I responded. It might be difficult, but I would work it out for the time being.
"No, you won't." Trevor said, stubbornly like a little boy. I looked at Jimmy for help.
"That would help out a lot. I have to be in the country or Lisa will try to change everything. Besides, your granny could use a break, even if it's only every other weekend." Jimmy reasoned.
"I told y'all I'll hire a home health nurse. I'll do it Monday since I'm such a burden." Trevor said, abrasively. I tried so hard to be patient with him the entire weekend, but his tone reminded me so much of his mother, it was starting to upset me.
"Nobody said you were a burden. If Lily wants to be here for you, let her." Helen responded.
"No." Trevor said plainly before pushing his plate away and leaving the room. I got used to leaving him alone, but this time I followed him.
He was sitting in his reclining chair, scratching at his socks.
"Why don't you want me here?" I demanded, looking him straight in the eye. That was the worst physical change for me-looking into his eyes worried me more than anything I heard or seen. Even in the daylight, his blue eyes looked dull and lifeless.
"Because this is something I have to do alone." He muttered, looking away from me.
"I don't understand. I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I should have been here every step of the way-"
"I didn't want you here Lily. I still don't want you here!" He declared.
"Why?" I asked, fighting to stay strong. I had to get through to him. I couldn't do that if I got over emotional like I usually did.
"I can't put you through this."
"That's not fair. It's my decision. I can handle it." I said, confidently.
"You don't have to. I don't want you to." He argued.
I shook my head, refusing to crumble. "No. We said the only way we would break up is if we tried and it didn't work out. I love you too much to leave you. We will get through this, together."
He finally looked me in the eye. "What happens if I die-"
I cut him off before he could finish that sentence. "Don't say that."
"LILY-" He started, raising his voice.
"You can't think like that." I interrupted him again, shaking my head.
"YES I FUCKING CAN! YOU SAY YOU CAN HANDLE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN FACE THE TRUTH THAT I MIGHT DIE!" He yelled at me. I froze and looked at him, stunned silent. My armor broke and tears welled up in my eyes as he continued. "We can't do this together- It was hard enough before I had cancer. Now, I have to be a brave solider and fight cancer. I can't do that and take care of you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying with you."
I stood there, fighting back more tears. I bit my lip before leaving the room. When I came out into the kitchen, Helen was wiping her eyes and Jimmy immediately came to comfort me. I stopped him.
"I'm gonna go." I said, brokenly.
Jimmy nodded but looked disappointed. "Give him some time. It's a bad week."
I went to put their numbers in my phone and realized my phone was dead. I wrote them down instead before I left. I drove back home, wanted to get as far away from Trevor and his cutting but truthful words. Throughout our relationship, I made things so incredible hard and difficult. Just us getting together was an uphill battle for Trevor and it didn't get easier from there. I didn't blame him for not wanting me by his side, even if it hurt me to the core.
When I got back to Dallas, I pulled out my phone. I composed a group text.
Me: Trevor has colon cancer. He already started chemotherapy and is staying with his granny in Wichita Falls. This is her and his uncle Jimmy's phone number.
I sent it out and put my phone away. Just because he didn't want me around doesn't mean he shouldn't have his friends. I curled up in our bed, under our covers, and cried for Trevor.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Dreaming With A Broken Heart (Trevor's POV)
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part" Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer
TREVOR'S POINT OF VIEW
"T-Rev..." a shaky voice interrupted my peaceful rest. I immediately turned to where the voice was coming from. Only one person called me that, and even though I didn't want her here, I couldn't push her away.
Sure enough, it was Lily at my bedside. She was holding my hand in hers- I welcomed the warmth of her hands. Her hair was down, a dark curtain framing her face. Her lips were the same rose red color I loved to kiss of her mouth. I was debating whether I should do just that when a tear fell to her lips. I looked up at her hazel brown eyes, and saw that they were brimming with tears.
I wanted to tell her not to cry, but when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out. I tried to reach out and wipe her tears away, but I couldn't get out of her grip. I tried to sit up, but I couldn't move a muscle. Panicked filled me as I realized I was paralyzed. I now understood what my dad meant when he said death would be better than being confined to a bed.
As I watched Lily's tears fall off her face and next to me, I realized I wasn't in bed. I was in a casket...
The image of myself in a casket jarred me out of sleep. The contents of my stomach churned violently, and I barely had time to lean over to the basin next to my bed before I puked the little bit in my stomach out. When my stomach finally settled, I pulled back and tried to relax. Since I was diagnosed with Colon cancer, percentages and prognosis have been thrown in my face. No doctor, nurse or family member brought it up as bluntly as my dream, but I always knew failure meant death. My dad was a perfect example.
Granny came into the room a few moments later after I got up to clean the basin. When I decided to move back to Wichita Falls, I didn't think living with my granny was an option. She didn't drive and I didn't want her to have to take care of me. I tried to stay with my uncle Jimmy but the country was too far from the hospital. I knew I had no choice but to stay with my mom. My granny surprised me and my mom both by telling me I could live with her as long as Jimmy could take me to my appointments. My mom hated it, but I stayed with my granny. My mom was over constantly, hovering like she had been as soon as I told her I had cancer.
"Try and drink this." My granny said, handing me a cup of ginger ale with a straw.
I sipped on it while she checked my temperature, running her hand on my forehead. She wiped my face with a cold towel before offering me a handful of Jolly Ranchers. I shock my head. It was my rest week between cycles- the chemo is not what made me sick. The dream did.
I was horrified to find out I could actually taste the drugs being dumped into my body during my first round of chemo. You'd figure with my mom going through the same thing with my dad, she would be more prepared. My uncle Jimmy came with with a variety of hard candies for me. Jolly Ranchers helped the most.
My uncle was there for me every step of the way. It was fitting considering he was the one that made me get a colonoscopy. When my uncle questioned me on why I wasn't helping Lily out around the house, I told him the truth- half the time I was sleep and the other half I was content to let her do it. He lectured me at being responsible as a man. Part of that was getting a colonoscopy.
Jimmy had colonoscopy every year, something I should have been doing. I never felt a need to have one. I only took it it so my uncle would give me access to the money my dad left to me. He had been in charge of it since I was a minor. When I turned 18, I let him handle it. I could have just went over him, but I took the test so he would shut up about it. He kept going on about how did I expect to take care of a family if I couldn't take care of myself. It reminded me of Lily's dad and spurred me into action. I didn't even tell Lily. I was that confident I was fine. I didn't want to worry Lily, just throw the results in my uncle's face.
After my first test, the doctor showed me pictures of my colon. He pointed out what was healthy, and what was not. I didn't want to believe it when the doctor told me I had colon cancer. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have constant abdominal pain like my dad, I wasn't old like my grandfather, I never had polyps like my great uncle Jimmy. It didn't make sense in my mind. I quickly learned that cancer never did and the fact that I had a family history of it only increased my chances.
I didn't tell anyone that week. I had to figure out how I was going to tell Lily first. How did I tell her I had cancer? How could I tell her that all our plans- the house, marriage, our family- all that had to be put off indefinitely? Or permanently?How would she react if I tell her I was sick with the same disease that killed my dad?
I couldn't. I couldn't do it so I ignored it. I put it off as long as I could. I took Lily to Florida to get away from everything and show her a good time. I needed a weekend to remind her who I was before the chemotherpy and doctors and all the other cancer crap took over our lives.
I remember how much the cancer changed my dad. The chemo took this strong, stubborn, asshole of a man and turned him into a weak, pitiful guy I didn't even recognize. The first time I saw him cry was when he lost his hair. After that, his weight dwindled away till he was nothing but a shell of his former self. After all that, it wasn't enough to save him.
I never told anyone this, not even my counselor at the time, but I was glad when he was admitted into hospice. My mom wore herself ragged taking care of him and worrying about me. I tried to ignore everything and stay a kid obsessed with my computer games, but I couldn't escape the burden his illness put on all of us. It hung over us until the day he died.
When he passed, his bedside was surrounded by friends and loved ones, including me. At his funeral, I couldn't help but feel relieved. Everyone's life would be better now that he was dead. As ashamed as I felt about it, it was the truth. I didn't wish the experience of cancer on my worst enemy.
That's what made me decided I couldn't stay with Lily. I loved her too much to make her go through at best, chemotherapy and a future of uncertainty; or at worst, my death. It's funny how we were finally on track, wanting the same things and figuring it all out; when life came and kicked me in the nuts. We made so many promises to each other. I knew she would stay by my side if she knew I had cancer. She loved me enough to do anything for me-including giving up her dreams. That's what made me decide not to tell her about my cancer at all.
I knew how much she wanted to buy a house, get married and have a family. The money for our house would now be used for my medical bills. Even if I could have kids after chemo, I would never want them to deal with cancer: either with me or having the disease themselves. I couldn't be with Lily, subjecting her to this for the rest of my life- however long or short. Even if I survived the cancer, I wouldn't want to live with her resenting me for taking away her dreams. Even worse, I didn't want her to be relieved if I died.
Now that I knew what I had to do, I started making plans. The first thing I did was get in touch with an oncologist in Wichita Falls. After that, I broke the news to my boss and took leave and short term disability. I signed another lease with my apartments for 6 months. My chemo plan was several rounds of a 3 weeks-cycle before surgery. In 6 months, I should know if I was going back to Dallas or not. I paid the 6 months from the retirement money dad left so Lily didn't have to worry about rent.
The next step was breaking up with her. I gave her the tried but true, it's me and not you line. She didn't accept it. When she cried and begged me to stay, I couldn't leave her. I knew I should, I hated myself for not being strong enough to leave. I made love to her one more time, memorizing every curve of her body, knowing there was no one I would ever love more.
When she fell asleep in my arms, I held her one more time, letting the tears fall down my eyes, before I snuck out, leaving a note. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, but in the end, I stuck with I'm sorry. I drove home to Wichita Falls to start my treatment.
The first week of chemotherapy was hell. I was sick to my stomach and so freaking weak, it was hard to move. On a particular rough day, I couldn't make it to the bathroom on time. I would have laughed at myself if it wasn't so pathetic. My mom came into the room and automatically went to help clean me up. I told her I got it, and she made a comment about that was why she was here for me. I recognized her tone as a dig at Lily; I ignored it in favor of going back to sleep.
I received Lily's texts during that same time. It crushed me to not respond to her, but it was the only way for her to move on with her life without me. Her anger was the only way I could let her go. I texted Rocky to check in on her. When I listen to the voicemail of her crying, begging me to come back, I cried out of frustration and pain too. I changed my number and deleted Lily's number. It was too hard not to reach out to her.
By the end of the week, I went from barely functional to completely helpless. It left me angry and short with everyone. My granny came to check on me, but unlike my mom, she knew when to leave me alone. When I was able to stay awake longer by the end of second week, my cousins came over to hang out with me. They helped me set up my laptop and WiFi so I could email my friends my new number and work on my coding videos. It gave my something to do besides being bored and uninterested in anything else besides thinking about Lily.
By the beginning of the 4th week, my rest week, the coding videos weren't working. I was feeling somewhat like myself again and I was missing Lily like crazy. I was doing good, blowing of my friends questions about her, making it seem like I just didn't having feelings for her anymore and had to go into hiding when we broke up. Meanwhile, I dreamt about her all the time. The chemo hadn't affected my cock- I woke up hard fantasizing about her. My fantasy weren't about sex... ok, not all about sex, but about us being back together.
I made a mistake of looking at her Instagram out of longing. Seeing her out, dressed up, smiling and celebrating life with her friends- I didn't expect it to hurt so much that she was doing it without me. I reminded myself that this is what I wanted: her to move forward and be happy. I still wanted it for her, I just couldn't see it-It broke my heart.
I was sure that's why I was having dreams of my death now. It was my subconscious reminding me I made the right choice. It was easy to want to be together when I was feeling okay. I told myself I was starting chemo again next week. I needed to put all my energy into that.
"Thanks Granny." I said, wiping my mouth and putting down my cup. "I don't even know why I got sick. My body must be preparing for next week."
"Don't get worked up about it. The drugs are supposed to make you sick-that means it's doing its job." Granny lectured me before sitting on the end of the bed.
"I know." I sighed.
"Let me ask you something. Why haven't your friends come to visit?"she asked.
"They're busy. With work and their own lives. We talk on the computer." I fudged. They were busy and we did talk on the computer when I was able to. None of them knew I was sick though.
"What about that Lily girl?" She continued.
"We broke up." I said, truthfully.
"You know, your daddy never wanted kids." Granny continued.
"I woulda never guessed." I cut in, sarcastically.
"Hush boy. Let me finish." Granny shushed me. "He and your great uncle Jimmy were more like brothers than uncle and nephew. He looked up to him. When Jimmy decided he didn't want a family, your daddy followed in his footsteps."
"How'd I get here then?" I gave her a lopsided smile.
"You have to ask you're momma for that story. The point of my story is to tell you your life may not be what you planned, but it's what God planned."
"Oh, ok. God wanted me to have cancer."I said, upset.
"You every wonder why some people beat this disease and other's don't?" Granny asked me.
"Prayer?" I offered, bitterly.
"Yes. And attitude. Spirit. You're dad was miserable life didn't go the way he wanted. He always had a sense of entitlement that I admit was my own fault. When he got sick, he gave up. I don't want you to be like him."
I huffed, frustrated. "I'm not Granny! I'm here, taking chemo that makes me Goddamn miserable. You realize how much easier it would be to just die than have my whole life ripped apart? But I won't. I'm fighting for you and mom and everybody else so you don't have to cry over me in a casket and there's a chance that might still happen. I don't know what else you fucking want from me!"
"You watch your mouth in my house child. I have no problem washing your mouth out with soap Trevor Alan Tobin." She scolded me. When I just crossed my arms, she sighed. "You're family and everyone that loves you are here to support you but you don't do it for us. You do it for yourself and your future." My granny urged me.
"Ok. Granny. I'm gonna go back to sleep." I said, shutting my eyes dismissively. I understood what she was saying, but it was hard to fight for a future I no longer saw.
The next cycle of chemo was worse. I didn't know why I thought knowing what to expect would make it better. It was like knowing you were going to be ran over by an 18 wheeler, it still hurt like hell. The only time I woke up was to vomit. Sores developed in my mouth making it hard to eat and drink. One afternoon, I woke up because my scalp was burning. When I pulled my hand down from scratching, a clump of hair went with it. I sat there, starring at the hair in my hands for I don't know how long until my mom came in. When she came over to embrace me, I pushed her off and yelled at her. I don't even remember why- I was just fed up with being sick and tired that I took my frustrations out on her.
My uncle Jimmy stayed with me the rest of the week. He was the only one who could handle my bad attitude without getting upset like my granny and mom. Friday night, before I went to bed, I went to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and It freaked me out how much I looked like my dad- my thinning face, sunken eyes, pale skin, and hairless head. I couldn't look at myself anymore and hurried to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night to sobs. I opened my eyes, annoyed, knowing it was probably my mom. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I was stunned when I saw Lily. I thought it was another dream, but I was covered in sweat, too dizzy, too nauseous and too exhausted to be dreaming.
"Trevor..." she hiccuped, reaching for my hand. I pulled away before she could hold my hand.
*Sorry it's later everyone. POV post are extremely hard for me, especially this one. As for a schedule, I announced awhile back I'm posting Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm trying to get back to 3 post a week, but it's that busy time of the year. There will always be 2 post a week, even if the days are not consistent.
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, "Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?"
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, "Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?"
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part" Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer
TREVOR'S POINT OF VIEW
"T-Rev..." a shaky voice interrupted my peaceful rest. I immediately turned to where the voice was coming from. Only one person called me that, and even though I didn't want her here, I couldn't push her away.
Sure enough, it was Lily at my bedside. She was holding my hand in hers- I welcomed the warmth of her hands. Her hair was down, a dark curtain framing her face. Her lips were the same rose red color I loved to kiss of her mouth. I was debating whether I should do just that when a tear fell to her lips. I looked up at her hazel brown eyes, and saw that they were brimming with tears.
I wanted to tell her not to cry, but when I opened my mouth to speak, no sound came out. I tried to reach out and wipe her tears away, but I couldn't get out of her grip. I tried to sit up, but I couldn't move a muscle. Panicked filled me as I realized I was paralyzed. I now understood what my dad meant when he said death would be better than being confined to a bed.
As I watched Lily's tears fall off her face and next to me, I realized I wasn't in bed. I was in a casket...
The image of myself in a casket jarred me out of sleep. The contents of my stomach churned violently, and I barely had time to lean over to the basin next to my bed before I puked the little bit in my stomach out. When my stomach finally settled, I pulled back and tried to relax. Since I was diagnosed with Colon cancer, percentages and prognosis have been thrown in my face. No doctor, nurse or family member brought it up as bluntly as my dream, but I always knew failure meant death. My dad was a perfect example.
Granny came into the room a few moments later after I got up to clean the basin. When I decided to move back to Wichita Falls, I didn't think living with my granny was an option. She didn't drive and I didn't want her to have to take care of me. I tried to stay with my uncle Jimmy but the country was too far from the hospital. I knew I had no choice but to stay with my mom. My granny surprised me and my mom both by telling me I could live with her as long as Jimmy could take me to my appointments. My mom hated it, but I stayed with my granny. My mom was over constantly, hovering like she had been as soon as I told her I had cancer.
"Try and drink this." My granny said, handing me a cup of ginger ale with a straw.
I sipped on it while she checked my temperature, running her hand on my forehead. She wiped my face with a cold towel before offering me a handful of Jolly Ranchers. I shock my head. It was my rest week between cycles- the chemo is not what made me sick. The dream did.
I was horrified to find out I could actually taste the drugs being dumped into my body during my first round of chemo. You'd figure with my mom going through the same thing with my dad, she would be more prepared. My uncle Jimmy came with with a variety of hard candies for me. Jolly Ranchers helped the most.
My uncle was there for me every step of the way. It was fitting considering he was the one that made me get a colonoscopy. When my uncle questioned me on why I wasn't helping Lily out around the house, I told him the truth- half the time I was sleep and the other half I was content to let her do it. He lectured me at being responsible as a man. Part of that was getting a colonoscopy.
Jimmy had colonoscopy every year, something I should have been doing. I never felt a need to have one. I only took it it so my uncle would give me access to the money my dad left to me. He had been in charge of it since I was a minor. When I turned 18, I let him handle it. I could have just went over him, but I took the test so he would shut up about it. He kept going on about how did I expect to take care of a family if I couldn't take care of myself. It reminded me of Lily's dad and spurred me into action. I didn't even tell Lily. I was that confident I was fine. I didn't want to worry Lily, just throw the results in my uncle's face.
After my first test, the doctor showed me pictures of my colon. He pointed out what was healthy, and what was not. I didn't want to believe it when the doctor told me I had colon cancer. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have constant abdominal pain like my dad, I wasn't old like my grandfather, I never had polyps like my great uncle Jimmy. It didn't make sense in my mind. I quickly learned that cancer never did and the fact that I had a family history of it only increased my chances.
I didn't tell anyone that week. I had to figure out how I was going to tell Lily first. How did I tell her I had cancer? How could I tell her that all our plans- the house, marriage, our family- all that had to be put off indefinitely? Or permanently?How would she react if I tell her I was sick with the same disease that killed my dad?
I couldn't. I couldn't do it so I ignored it. I put it off as long as I could. I took Lily to Florida to get away from everything and show her a good time. I needed a weekend to remind her who I was before the chemotherpy and doctors and all the other cancer crap took over our lives.
I remember how much the cancer changed my dad. The chemo took this strong, stubborn, asshole of a man and turned him into a weak, pitiful guy I didn't even recognize. The first time I saw him cry was when he lost his hair. After that, his weight dwindled away till he was nothing but a shell of his former self. After all that, it wasn't enough to save him.
I never told anyone this, not even my counselor at the time, but I was glad when he was admitted into hospice. My mom wore herself ragged taking care of him and worrying about me. I tried to ignore everything and stay a kid obsessed with my computer games, but I couldn't escape the burden his illness put on all of us. It hung over us until the day he died.
When he passed, his bedside was surrounded by friends and loved ones, including me. At his funeral, I couldn't help but feel relieved. Everyone's life would be better now that he was dead. As ashamed as I felt about it, it was the truth. I didn't wish the experience of cancer on my worst enemy.
That's what made me decided I couldn't stay with Lily. I loved her too much to make her go through at best, chemotherapy and a future of uncertainty; or at worst, my death. It's funny how we were finally on track, wanting the same things and figuring it all out; when life came and kicked me in the nuts. We made so many promises to each other. I knew she would stay by my side if she knew I had cancer. She loved me enough to do anything for me-including giving up her dreams. That's what made me decide not to tell her about my cancer at all.
I knew how much she wanted to buy a house, get married and have a family. The money for our house would now be used for my medical bills. Even if I could have kids after chemo, I would never want them to deal with cancer: either with me or having the disease themselves. I couldn't be with Lily, subjecting her to this for the rest of my life- however long or short. Even if I survived the cancer, I wouldn't want to live with her resenting me for taking away her dreams. Even worse, I didn't want her to be relieved if I died.
Now that I knew what I had to do, I started making plans. The first thing I did was get in touch with an oncologist in Wichita Falls. After that, I broke the news to my boss and took leave and short term disability. I signed another lease with my apartments for 6 months. My chemo plan was several rounds of a 3 weeks-cycle before surgery. In 6 months, I should know if I was going back to Dallas or not. I paid the 6 months from the retirement money dad left so Lily didn't have to worry about rent.
The next step was breaking up with her. I gave her the tried but true, it's me and not you line. She didn't accept it. When she cried and begged me to stay, I couldn't leave her. I knew I should, I hated myself for not being strong enough to leave. I made love to her one more time, memorizing every curve of her body, knowing there was no one I would ever love more.
When she fell asleep in my arms, I held her one more time, letting the tears fall down my eyes, before I snuck out, leaving a note. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, but in the end, I stuck with I'm sorry. I drove home to Wichita Falls to start my treatment.
The first week of chemotherapy was hell. I was sick to my stomach and so freaking weak, it was hard to move. On a particular rough day, I couldn't make it to the bathroom on time. I would have laughed at myself if it wasn't so pathetic. My mom came into the room and automatically went to help clean me up. I told her I got it, and she made a comment about that was why she was here for me. I recognized her tone as a dig at Lily; I ignored it in favor of going back to sleep.
I received Lily's texts during that same time. It crushed me to not respond to her, but it was the only way for her to move on with her life without me. Her anger was the only way I could let her go. I texted Rocky to check in on her. When I listen to the voicemail of her crying, begging me to come back, I cried out of frustration and pain too. I changed my number and deleted Lily's number. It was too hard not to reach out to her.
By the end of the week, I went from barely functional to completely helpless. It left me angry and short with everyone. My granny came to check on me, but unlike my mom, she knew when to leave me alone. When I was able to stay awake longer by the end of second week, my cousins came over to hang out with me. They helped me set up my laptop and WiFi so I could email my friends my new number and work on my coding videos. It gave my something to do besides being bored and uninterested in anything else besides thinking about Lily.
By the beginning of the 4th week, my rest week, the coding videos weren't working. I was feeling somewhat like myself again and I was missing Lily like crazy. I was doing good, blowing of my friends questions about her, making it seem like I just didn't having feelings for her anymore and had to go into hiding when we broke up. Meanwhile, I dreamt about her all the time. The chemo hadn't affected my cock- I woke up hard fantasizing about her. My fantasy weren't about sex... ok, not all about sex, but about us being back together.
I made a mistake of looking at her Instagram out of longing. Seeing her out, dressed up, smiling and celebrating life with her friends- I didn't expect it to hurt so much that she was doing it without me. I reminded myself that this is what I wanted: her to move forward and be happy. I still wanted it for her, I just couldn't see it-It broke my heart.
I was sure that's why I was having dreams of my death now. It was my subconscious reminding me I made the right choice. It was easy to want to be together when I was feeling okay. I told myself I was starting chemo again next week. I needed to put all my energy into that.
"Thanks Granny." I said, wiping my mouth and putting down my cup. "I don't even know why I got sick. My body must be preparing for next week."
"Don't get worked up about it. The drugs are supposed to make you sick-that means it's doing its job." Granny lectured me before sitting on the end of the bed.
"I know." I sighed.
"Let me ask you something. Why haven't your friends come to visit?"she asked.
"They're busy. With work and their own lives. We talk on the computer." I fudged. They were busy and we did talk on the computer when I was able to. None of them knew I was sick though.
"What about that Lily girl?" She continued.
"We broke up." I said, truthfully.
"You know, your daddy never wanted kids." Granny continued.
"I woulda never guessed." I cut in, sarcastically.
"Hush boy. Let me finish." Granny shushed me. "He and your great uncle Jimmy were more like brothers than uncle and nephew. He looked up to him. When Jimmy decided he didn't want a family, your daddy followed in his footsteps."
"How'd I get here then?" I gave her a lopsided smile.
"You have to ask you're momma for that story. The point of my story is to tell you your life may not be what you planned, but it's what God planned."
"Oh, ok. God wanted me to have cancer."I said, upset.
"You every wonder why some people beat this disease and other's don't?" Granny asked me.
"Prayer?" I offered, bitterly.
"Yes. And attitude. Spirit. You're dad was miserable life didn't go the way he wanted. He always had a sense of entitlement that I admit was my own fault. When he got sick, he gave up. I don't want you to be like him."
I huffed, frustrated. "I'm not Granny! I'm here, taking chemo that makes me Goddamn miserable. You realize how much easier it would be to just die than have my whole life ripped apart? But I won't. I'm fighting for you and mom and everybody else so you don't have to cry over me in a casket and there's a chance that might still happen. I don't know what else you fucking want from me!"
"You watch your mouth in my house child. I have no problem washing your mouth out with soap Trevor Alan Tobin." She scolded me. When I just crossed my arms, she sighed. "You're family and everyone that loves you are here to support you but you don't do it for us. You do it for yourself and your future." My granny urged me.
"Ok. Granny. I'm gonna go back to sleep." I said, shutting my eyes dismissively. I understood what she was saying, but it was hard to fight for a future I no longer saw.
The next cycle of chemo was worse. I didn't know why I thought knowing what to expect would make it better. It was like knowing you were going to be ran over by an 18 wheeler, it still hurt like hell. The only time I woke up was to vomit. Sores developed in my mouth making it hard to eat and drink. One afternoon, I woke up because my scalp was burning. When I pulled my hand down from scratching, a clump of hair went with it. I sat there, starring at the hair in my hands for I don't know how long until my mom came in. When she came over to embrace me, I pushed her off and yelled at her. I don't even remember why- I was just fed up with being sick and tired that I took my frustrations out on her.
My uncle Jimmy stayed with me the rest of the week. He was the only one who could handle my bad attitude without getting upset like my granny and mom. Friday night, before I went to bed, I went to the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and It freaked me out how much I looked like my dad- my thinning face, sunken eyes, pale skin, and hairless head. I couldn't look at myself anymore and hurried to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night to sobs. I opened my eyes, annoyed, knowing it was probably my mom. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I was stunned when I saw Lily. I thought it was another dream, but I was covered in sweat, too dizzy, too nauseous and too exhausted to be dreaming.
"Trevor..." she hiccuped, reaching for my hand. I pulled away before she could hold my hand.
*Sorry it's later everyone. POV post are extremely hard for me, especially this one. As for a schedule, I announced awhile back I'm posting Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm trying to get back to 3 post a week, but it's that busy time of the year. There will always be 2 post a week, even if the days are not consistent.
Friday, October 16, 2015
If I Were a Boy Intro
"If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
'Cause they’d stick up for me.
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed" If I Were a Boy by Beyonce
I tried to wake up to find out who's voice was carrying into the guest bedroom at Rocky's house, but I was too exhausted/disoriented/hungover for my body to comply. I knew I knew the male voice but in my hungover state it wasn't coming to me.
Curiosity and the need to use the bathroom made me get out of bed. I groaned every step of the way. Everything hurt and my appearance showed it. Last night clothes were disheveled and wrinkled on my body, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, my hair was a mess and my make-up was smeared all over my face. I cleaned up using cold water to wake myself up and decrease the swelling and redness. After pulling my hair up in a bun, I looked more like someone who had a great time the night before and less like someone who cried herself to sleep.
Afterwards, I made my way into the kitchen. Disgust filled me when I saw Brandon. Mostly disgust at Brandon- why the fuck was he here? The last time I saw him he was yelling at Rocky at a Waffle House like a fucking lunatic.
I was a little disgusted at myself too. A part of me was disappointed it wasn't Trevor. I hoped Trevor saw the pictures from the night before and realized how much he missed me. Why was I still hoping for him to come back? I needed to let him go.
"Morning." I grumbled, pushing the thought of him out my head.
"Afternoon." Rocky corrected me. I shot her a disapproving look before narrowing my eyes at Brandon and making my way to the coffee pot.
"You drank coffee?" I asked Rocky, annoyed.
"It's decaffeinated." Brandon chimed in.
I poured the lukewarm coffee in my new drinking glass and added sweet cream and ice as they continued their conversation. When Brandon confirmed the next doctor appointment, I grabbed a straw and slurped my drink obnoxiously, grabbing the attention of both of them.
"I'll text you the address." Rocky told him, subtly leading him to the door.
"Can I get the ultrasound before I go?" Brandon asked.
"Right. I'll be right back." Rocky shot me a warning glance before leaving. As soon as she was out of hearing distance, I turned to Brandon.
"I'm surprised you want the ultrasound. You know that doesn't determine paternity." I informed him smartly.
"Why would I need that?" Brandon asked, worried.
"I just figured you want it considering how you think Rocky is a dumb ho." I said, returning to sipping my drink.
"I told Rocky how sorry I was." Brandon said, putting his head down in shame.
I rolled my eyes. Rocky was sorry too when she cheated. That wasn't enough for him. Why should it be enough for Rocky? Why did she have to wait for him to come around and be forgiving when he finally did? Fuck that.
"Yeah, you are sorry." I said, slamming down my cup. "I think it's best-"
"Here it is Brandon." Rocky said, interrupting me. Rocky and Brandon chatted like everything was hunky dory and it made me sick. I grabbed my phone, the chocolates Forrest bought me and took Justine outside in the backyard.
As I picked through the chocolates, I went through my phone. I had missed calls from my brother, Amber, and an unknown number with a Dallas area code. I didn't get my hopes up about the unknown number- there was no voicemail so whoever it was wasn't that eager to talk to me. I called my brother back.
"Hey bro." I greeted him when he picked up.
"Hey sis. Congratulations on the promotion. Thanks for calling and letting me know." He returned, sarcastically.
"Thanks. It was official last week. I wanted to get it in writing before I told everyone." I reasoned.
"Sure. Make sure you call dad and let him know." He said.
I didn't want to talk to or about Dad so I said nothing. There was a brief moment of silence, before I asked, "How's Jenna and everything?"
"Jenna is good. Everything is good."
"Good."
Another awkward moment of silence. I opened my mouth to say goodbye, when Cam spoke up.
"You aren't going to tell me about Trevor?"
I sighed and fidgeted in my seat. "What do you want me to say? It didn't work out. We broke up."
"I could tell that by Facebook, which is the only way I found out. What happened?"
"He left."
"Why?" Cam questioned me.
"He said he couldn't be with me anymore and he needed a break and he couldn't give me what I wanted. Take your pick." I sighed, frustrated.
"That doesn't even sound like him. You didn't question him?"
I felt tears welled up in my eyes. Instead of questioning him, I gave him a goodbye fuck. "No, I couldn't. He fucking changed his number and quit his job and moved back to Wichita Falls with his racist mom. I haven't talked to him in a month so your guess is as good as mine."
"Fuck, I'm sorry Lilyp-" he started. I cut him off before he could finish the nickname Trevor started.
"Don't be sorry. Everyone knew we wouldn't work out. Even dad knew we wouldn't last a year- It's not that big of a surprise." I spat.
"Lily, he didn't mean it like that..."
"Whatever. Are we done?" I snapped.
"Yeah. Congratulations again. I love you sis."
"Love you too." I said, before hanging up. I wiped the tears from my eyes before closing up the chocolates. I went through my text messages next. I had texts from Jordan, Forrest, and I discovered the unknown number was Richard. He told me it was him and to give him a call. I decided to text back instead. It took a couple of drafts, but I sent him a response.
Me: I heard you know your way around a hammer and you're an expert at nailing.
While I waited, I sent Forrest a text too. He asked if Rocky and I wanted to go out and watch football with him and his friends. I told him I'll get back to him when Rocky joined me outside.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Rocky asked as she sat in the chair beside me.
"Sure." I said, reopening the chocolates and offering her one. She took one before she began.
"I appreciate you looking out for me, but you're being overprotective." She stated.
"I have no problem telling Brandon off for you. He has it coming plus more. I understand you being nice to him; you don't need the stress while you're pregnant. " I started.
"I can take care of myself- with Brandon and being pregnant. You're just doing too much. I need you to back off a bit." Rocky said, calmly.
I stood up. "Fine. I'll be outta here today."
"Lily, that's not what I meant." Rocky said. I went to retrieve Justine no longer paying attention.
I gathered my things; thankfully, it wasn't a ton of stuff. I loaded my car and went to get Justine last. Rocky was petting her while I put on her leash.
"Lily, I don't want you to leave. Let's sit down and talk." Rocky tried to reason with me.
"I'm all talked out. I'm backing off. Take care of yourself." I said, pulling Justine away. I ignored the sad look that passed on Rocky's face and left. I didn't even realize I was still in last night clothes until i stopped for gas. I called and asked Forrest if I could borrow his shower. He sounded confused, but agreed.
When I got to his house, he let me in and led me to his shower. After bringing me towels, he left me alone. I took a long, hot shower and changed into my Colin Kaepernick jersey and leggings. I took my time carefully doing my make-up and pulling my hair in a sleek ponytail. I took a selfie and posted it on Facebook and Instagram with the caption:
I emerged from the bathroom, feeling 10 times better. I found Forrest in the kitchen, cooking.
"Hey, I thought we were going out. Cowboys play at 3 right?" I asked, sitting on a bar stool.
"Yeah, but they play New England. They're going to get slaughter. Might as well stay home for this game." Forrest responded.
I smiled. "That's the spirit!"
"You ok?"
"I'm greeeat!" I replied. My phone beeped and I looked down at it.
Richard: You're not supposed to believe what you hear, but that's correct.
Me: lol. I just closed on a house that's needs some remodeling. Even if you don't have the time to take on a new project, I would take any tips you have for me.
Richard: For you, I have nothing but time ;-) Let me know the next time you're at the house.
I grinned, happily.
"Who are you texting?" Forrest asked me.
"Richard." I said.
"Who's Richard?"
"Dino's brother's roommate." I explained. I pulled up his Instagram and showed Forrest a picture. "He's hot right?"
"I can't judge another man's hotness. You think that's a good idea?" Forrest continued.
"Yeah, he's outside my circle, which you told me the next guy I date should be. And he does contractor work. It's a win-win." I argued, scrolling through his pictures.
"When did I say that?" Forest asked.
"St. Patrick's day. The salt and pepper shaker? Remember? A-salt-with-a-deadly-weapon?"
"Oh!"
I grinned finding a shirtless picture of Richard. His shorts were low on his hips, showing of that sexy V muscle. I held it up to Forrest. "Even a straight guy can acknowledge he has a great body."
Forrest snatched the phone from me.
"Hey!" I protested.
"Eat." He commanded, sitting a plate of pasta jambalaya in front of me. My stomach growled in anticipation and I grabbed my fork and dug in.
"I meant dating at all. It hasn't been that long." Forrest clarified.
"It's been month! He left me! If I was one of your guy friends, would you ask him the same question? No, you would pat him on the back and tell him to get over the bitch. That's what I'm doing." I said, between shoveling food in my mouth because it was that freaking good and because I wanted my phone back.
Forrest chuckled and grabbed a napkin.
"What?" I asked him.
"Blake told me I dodged the bitch when Rachel and I broke up." He explained, wiping the corner of my mouth.
I took that as a sign to slow down and stop being a pig. "Blake is good people. I need to hang out with him more." I commented.
"No you don't."
"As a friend. He'll give me good advice. Not the shit you're peddling."
"Fine. Next time ask to borrow his shower."
"No way. I bet he can't cook like this. Can I have a little more?"
Forrest smiled, refilled my plate and gave me back my phone. I took a photo of the food. I posted it online with the caption:
We sat, ate and watched football. Forrest asked about Rocky, but I kinda blew the question off. Cowboys lost, like Forrest predicted. After the game, I called Amber back to thank her for my dinner and find out how Jordan got invited.
"Q didn't know y'all weren't talking. He assumed she was coming and talked to her about it at work." Amber explained.
"Well, the Taylor Swift concert is this weekend. Know anyone who wants 2 tickets?" I asked.
"Stop. At least she's making an attempt."
"No she's not. She needs to man up and apologize. Until then, we are never ever ever getting back together!" I sang.
"You're crazy." Amber laughed at me.
I really wasn't planning to impose on Forrest and crash at his place, but the game between the 49ers and Giants was so close, I couldn't leave. When the 9ers lost, I moaned, complained and grieved with the remainder of my beer. I got up, and stumbled a bit. I lost count of how many beers I drank. Forrest put me in his spare room on his day bed. I woke up the following morning and left when he went to work. He told me I was welcomed to crash however long I needed, after I called Rocky and talked it out.
I knew I was over reacting. I just needed a break from all the fucking emotions. I went to the boxing class to punch out my aggression. Dominick wasn't there, but I normally saw him on Tuesday. Afterwards, I went to Rocky's house, showered and headed to work early. I wanted my shit together for my first day as team lead. I probably was a little overzealous, considering Adil was still around making sure the transition was smooth. I prided myself in not needing him as I instructed my team.
I went to Rocky's house after I got off. She was up, snacking on the rest of my chocolates.
"I was going to apologize for being a bitch, but I think we're even now that you ate my chocolate." I smirked.
"I didn't think you were coming back. No use wasting good chocolate." She replied.
"I get it though. Whatever you decided with Brandon and your baby, I'm here to support you. That's it."
"Thank you." Rocky said simply. "Did you stay at Forrest's place the other night?"
"I did." I smiled. "Speaking of, did you get in touch with an inspector?"
Rocky informed me she made an appointment with an independent home inspector. I set it up with Chad and we were good to go. I also invited Richard and he was able to come. I dressed sexy, but casually in a white scooped neck long sleeve t-shirt, ripped jeans, and the new thigh high boots Sammy bought me. I left my straight hair down, added some stud earrings, and put on a little lip gloss, liner and bronzer.
I grabbed my Chuy's gift card and headed out. I planned to take Richard out to lunch as a thank you (and our first date!). When I got to MY house, Chad's assistant already let the inspector in and he had been working for an hour. Richard showed up a little after me and I greeted him with a smile and hug. He looked great in navy Chinos, a white tee and Timberland boots. He talked with the inspector while taking measurements and notes. There was definitely something appealing watching him do such manly tasks.
After the inspector went over the report with me, I offered to take Richard to lunch. We went to Chuy's and we sat on the patio. It was surprisingly awkward at first. I remembered when I came with Forrest the first time. We barely knew each other, but it was so easy. We chatted and got to know each other comfortably. I was expecting Richard to try to flirt with me, but he didn't. He was talking about writing out a contract with estimates! I didn't know if he was still in professional mood, but I had to get him out of that for my plan to work.
"So..." I said, lightly after the waiter dropped off our drinks. "If we're going to work together, I feel like I need to know you a little better."
Richard gave me a questioning glance. "You need a resume? References?"
I smiled. "No, we can go straight to the interview. Inside or outside?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"Ok, rule number one: you just have to pick one. The first thing that comes to your mind." I instructed him.
"And this is going help you decide to work with me how?" He questioned me.
"I don't know shit about renovations or remodeling. I have to know if I can trust you." I lied.
"Outdoors. Like on your deck."
"While on the deck, are you drinking Coke or Pepsi?"
"Not sure what that has to do with remodeling, but neither. I'm not into sodas." He answered.
Urgh, why was this so hard?
"Rule number two: you have to pick. Besides, how in the world do you drink rum?" I said, trying to stay laidback and fun even though he was annoying me.
Just answer the fucking questions!
"Ice and if I have to, a tiny splash of coke." He replied.
I grinned, glad he was getting into it. "Good answer. I wouldn't be able to trust a Pepsi guy."
Over lunch, I found out he preferred Mexican food to Italian, night over morning, summer to winter, and briefs over boxers. He broke the rules on a few- like he rather watch soccer than baseball or football and neither on thongs or boyshots. I didn't complain because at least his answers were informative. My last question was east or west coast. He said he rather be down south, but if he had to pick, west coast was the best coast. I was thrilled he was checking out either my Facebook or Instagram.
"Thank you for joining me." I said as we got ready to go.
"Do you trust me enough to do the job?" Richard asked as we walked to our cars.
"I do." I said, giving him a hug, making sure I pressed my body against his.
"Then the interrogation was worth it then." He said, pulling away.
"The questions weren't for the job." I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek before walking to my car door. I gave him a smile. "See you soon."
I went to work and my brother called me. During my lunch, I worked through getting the huddle board done for the next week and reading over the notes Dr. Clayton left me. When I finally left, I saw I had another call from my brother.
I called him back, wondering if he was off from work yet. He answered on the second ring.
"Hey bro. What's up?" I asked, concerned.
"I talked to William. Trevor didn't quit." Cam began. William was the owner of the job Trevor and Cam used to work at.
"I called his job. The receptionist told me he was no longer working there." I sighed.
"I know, he's not."
I thought about it, then it hit me. "What? He got fired? Why?"
"He didn't get fired either."
"That doesn't make any sense." I said, getting upset. I had a great date. I didn't think about him at all. Why was he bringing this up? "You know what? It doesn't matter; I don't care."
"William legally couldn't tell me anything else, so I talked to Craig. Trevor's on leave." Cam continued anyway.
I remembered Craig. He was one of Trevor and Cam's coworkers.
"Yeah, he's done that before. For that website, remember?" I said, pulling into the driveway of Rocky's house.
"Lily, it's medical leave. All Craig knows is that he drove Trevor to some appointment. Trevor told Craig he was getting tested for something his dad had." Cam revealed to me.
I sat in my car, trying to process what he just told me. When it dawned on me, my hands shook and the phone fell to the floor.
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
'Cause they’d stick up for me.
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed" If I Were a Boy by Beyonce
I tried to wake up to find out who's voice was carrying into the guest bedroom at Rocky's house, but I was too exhausted/disoriented/hungover for my body to comply. I knew I knew the male voice but in my hungover state it wasn't coming to me.
Curiosity and the need to use the bathroom made me get out of bed. I groaned every step of the way. Everything hurt and my appearance showed it. Last night clothes were disheveled and wrinkled on my body, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot, my hair was a mess and my make-up was smeared all over my face. I cleaned up using cold water to wake myself up and decrease the swelling and redness. After pulling my hair up in a bun, I looked more like someone who had a great time the night before and less like someone who cried herself to sleep.
Afterwards, I made my way into the kitchen. Disgust filled me when I saw Brandon. Mostly disgust at Brandon- why the fuck was he here? The last time I saw him he was yelling at Rocky at a Waffle House like a fucking lunatic.
I was a little disgusted at myself too. A part of me was disappointed it wasn't Trevor. I hoped Trevor saw the pictures from the night before and realized how much he missed me. Why was I still hoping for him to come back? I needed to let him go.
"Morning." I grumbled, pushing the thought of him out my head.
"Afternoon." Rocky corrected me. I shot her a disapproving look before narrowing my eyes at Brandon and making my way to the coffee pot.
"You drank coffee?" I asked Rocky, annoyed.
"It's decaffeinated." Brandon chimed in.
I poured the lukewarm coffee in my new drinking glass and added sweet cream and ice as they continued their conversation. When Brandon confirmed the next doctor appointment, I grabbed a straw and slurped my drink obnoxiously, grabbing the attention of both of them.
"I'll text you the address." Rocky told him, subtly leading him to the door.
"Can I get the ultrasound before I go?" Brandon asked.
"Right. I'll be right back." Rocky shot me a warning glance before leaving. As soon as she was out of hearing distance, I turned to Brandon.
"I'm surprised you want the ultrasound. You know that doesn't determine paternity." I informed him smartly.
"Why would I need that?" Brandon asked, worried.
"I just figured you want it considering how you think Rocky is a dumb ho." I said, returning to sipping my drink.
"I told Rocky how sorry I was." Brandon said, putting his head down in shame.
I rolled my eyes. Rocky was sorry too when she cheated. That wasn't enough for him. Why should it be enough for Rocky? Why did she have to wait for him to come around and be forgiving when he finally did? Fuck that.
"Yeah, you are sorry." I said, slamming down my cup. "I think it's best-"
"Here it is Brandon." Rocky said, interrupting me. Rocky and Brandon chatted like everything was hunky dory and it made me sick. I grabbed my phone, the chocolates Forrest bought me and took Justine outside in the backyard.
As I picked through the chocolates, I went through my phone. I had missed calls from my brother, Amber, and an unknown number with a Dallas area code. I didn't get my hopes up about the unknown number- there was no voicemail so whoever it was wasn't that eager to talk to me. I called my brother back.
"Hey bro." I greeted him when he picked up.
"Hey sis. Congratulations on the promotion. Thanks for calling and letting me know." He returned, sarcastically.
"Thanks. It was official last week. I wanted to get it in writing before I told everyone." I reasoned.
"Sure. Make sure you call dad and let him know." He said.
I didn't want to talk to or about Dad so I said nothing. There was a brief moment of silence, before I asked, "How's Jenna and everything?"
"Jenna is good. Everything is good."
"Good."
Another awkward moment of silence. I opened my mouth to say goodbye, when Cam spoke up.
"You aren't going to tell me about Trevor?"
I sighed and fidgeted in my seat. "What do you want me to say? It didn't work out. We broke up."
"I could tell that by Facebook, which is the only way I found out. What happened?"
"He left."
"Why?" Cam questioned me.
"He said he couldn't be with me anymore and he needed a break and he couldn't give me what I wanted. Take your pick." I sighed, frustrated.
"That doesn't even sound like him. You didn't question him?"
I felt tears welled up in my eyes. Instead of questioning him, I gave him a goodbye fuck. "No, I couldn't. He fucking changed his number and quit his job and moved back to Wichita Falls with his racist mom. I haven't talked to him in a month so your guess is as good as mine."
"Fuck, I'm sorry Lilyp-" he started. I cut him off before he could finish the nickname Trevor started.
"Don't be sorry. Everyone knew we wouldn't work out. Even dad knew we wouldn't last a year- It's not that big of a surprise." I spat.
"Lily, he didn't mean it like that..."
"Whatever. Are we done?" I snapped.
"Yeah. Congratulations again. I love you sis."
"Love you too." I said, before hanging up. I wiped the tears from my eyes before closing up the chocolates. I went through my text messages next. I had texts from Jordan, Forrest, and I discovered the unknown number was Richard. He told me it was him and to give him a call. I decided to text back instead. It took a couple of drafts, but I sent him a response.
Me: I heard you know your way around a hammer and you're an expert at nailing.
While I waited, I sent Forrest a text too. He asked if Rocky and I wanted to go out and watch football with him and his friends. I told him I'll get back to him when Rocky joined me outside.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Rocky asked as she sat in the chair beside me.
"Sure." I said, reopening the chocolates and offering her one. She took one before she began.
"I appreciate you looking out for me, but you're being overprotective." She stated.
"I have no problem telling Brandon off for you. He has it coming plus more. I understand you being nice to him; you don't need the stress while you're pregnant. " I started.
"I can take care of myself- with Brandon and being pregnant. You're just doing too much. I need you to back off a bit." Rocky said, calmly.
I stood up. "Fine. I'll be outta here today."
"Lily, that's not what I meant." Rocky said. I went to retrieve Justine no longer paying attention.
I gathered my things; thankfully, it wasn't a ton of stuff. I loaded my car and went to get Justine last. Rocky was petting her while I put on her leash.
"Lily, I don't want you to leave. Let's sit down and talk." Rocky tried to reason with me.
"I'm all talked out. I'm backing off. Take care of yourself." I said, pulling Justine away. I ignored the sad look that passed on Rocky's face and left. I didn't even realize I was still in last night clothes until i stopped for gas. I called and asked Forrest if I could borrow his shower. He sounded confused, but agreed.
When I got to his house, he let me in and led me to his shower. After bringing me towels, he left me alone. I took a long, hot shower and changed into my Colin Kaepernick jersey and leggings. I took my time carefully doing my make-up and pulling my hair in a sleek ponytail. I took a selfie and posted it on Facebook and Instagram with the caption:
Ready for San Francisco 49ers to beat NY Giants tonight with @Forrest! #ColinKaepernick #Go9ers #WestCoastIsTheBestCoast
"Hey, I thought we were going out. Cowboys play at 3 right?" I asked, sitting on a bar stool.
"Yeah, but they play New England. They're going to get slaughter. Might as well stay home for this game." Forrest responded.
I smiled. "That's the spirit!"
"You ok?"
"I'm greeeat!" I replied. My phone beeped and I looked down at it.
Richard: You're not supposed to believe what you hear, but that's correct.
Me: lol. I just closed on a house that's needs some remodeling. Even if you don't have the time to take on a new project, I would take any tips you have for me.
Richard: For you, I have nothing but time ;-) Let me know the next time you're at the house.
I grinned, happily.
"Who are you texting?" Forrest asked me.
"Richard." I said.
"Who's Richard?"
"Dino's brother's roommate." I explained. I pulled up his Instagram and showed Forrest a picture. "He's hot right?"
"I can't judge another man's hotness. You think that's a good idea?" Forrest continued.
"Yeah, he's outside my circle, which you told me the next guy I date should be. And he does contractor work. It's a win-win." I argued, scrolling through his pictures.
"When did I say that?" Forest asked.
"St. Patrick's day. The salt and pepper shaker? Remember? A-salt-with-a-deadly-weapon?"
"Oh!"
I grinned finding a shirtless picture of Richard. His shorts were low on his hips, showing of that sexy V muscle. I held it up to Forrest. "Even a straight guy can acknowledge he has a great body."
Forrest snatched the phone from me.
"Hey!" I protested.
"Eat." He commanded, sitting a plate of pasta jambalaya in front of me. My stomach growled in anticipation and I grabbed my fork and dug in.
"I meant dating at all. It hasn't been that long." Forrest clarified.
"It's been month! He left me! If I was one of your guy friends, would you ask him the same question? No, you would pat him on the back and tell him to get over the bitch. That's what I'm doing." I said, between shoveling food in my mouth because it was that freaking good and because I wanted my phone back.
Forrest chuckled and grabbed a napkin.
"What?" I asked him.
"Blake told me I dodged the bitch when Rachel and I broke up." He explained, wiping the corner of my mouth.
I took that as a sign to slow down and stop being a pig. "Blake is good people. I need to hang out with him more." I commented.
"No you don't."
"As a friend. He'll give me good advice. Not the shit you're peddling."
"Fine. Next time ask to borrow his shower."
"No way. I bet he can't cook like this. Can I have a little more?"
Forrest smiled, refilled my plate and gave me back my phone. I took a photo of the food. I posted it online with the caption:
@Forrest cooking seriously has me considering becoming a Saints fan... or a trip to NOLA#Jambalaya #Football#WhoDat
"Q didn't know y'all weren't talking. He assumed she was coming and talked to her about it at work." Amber explained.
"Well, the Taylor Swift concert is this weekend. Know anyone who wants 2 tickets?" I asked.
"Stop. At least she's making an attempt."
"No she's not. She needs to man up and apologize. Until then, we are never ever ever getting back together!" I sang.
"You're crazy." Amber laughed at me.
I really wasn't planning to impose on Forrest and crash at his place, but the game between the 49ers and Giants was so close, I couldn't leave. When the 9ers lost, I moaned, complained and grieved with the remainder of my beer. I got up, and stumbled a bit. I lost count of how many beers I drank. Forrest put me in his spare room on his day bed. I woke up the following morning and left when he went to work. He told me I was welcomed to crash however long I needed, after I called Rocky and talked it out.
I knew I was over reacting. I just needed a break from all the fucking emotions. I went to the boxing class to punch out my aggression. Dominick wasn't there, but I normally saw him on Tuesday. Afterwards, I went to Rocky's house, showered and headed to work early. I wanted my shit together for my first day as team lead. I probably was a little overzealous, considering Adil was still around making sure the transition was smooth. I prided myself in not needing him as I instructed my team.
I went to Rocky's house after I got off. She was up, snacking on the rest of my chocolates.
"I was going to apologize for being a bitch, but I think we're even now that you ate my chocolate." I smirked.
"I didn't think you were coming back. No use wasting good chocolate." She replied.
"I get it though. Whatever you decided with Brandon and your baby, I'm here to support you. That's it."
"Thank you." Rocky said simply. "Did you stay at Forrest's place the other night?"
"I did." I smiled. "Speaking of, did you get in touch with an inspector?"
Rocky informed me she made an appointment with an independent home inspector. I set it up with Chad and we were good to go. I also invited Richard and he was able to come. I dressed sexy, but casually in a white scooped neck long sleeve t-shirt, ripped jeans, and the new thigh high boots Sammy bought me. I left my straight hair down, added some stud earrings, and put on a little lip gloss, liner and bronzer.
I grabbed my Chuy's gift card and headed out. I planned to take Richard out to lunch as a thank you (and our first date!). When I got to MY house, Chad's assistant already let the inspector in and he had been working for an hour. Richard showed up a little after me and I greeted him with a smile and hug. He looked great in navy Chinos, a white tee and Timberland boots. He talked with the inspector while taking measurements and notes. There was definitely something appealing watching him do such manly tasks.
After the inspector went over the report with me, I offered to take Richard to lunch. We went to Chuy's and we sat on the patio. It was surprisingly awkward at first. I remembered when I came with Forrest the first time. We barely knew each other, but it was so easy. We chatted and got to know each other comfortably. I was expecting Richard to try to flirt with me, but he didn't. He was talking about writing out a contract with estimates! I didn't know if he was still in professional mood, but I had to get him out of that for my plan to work.
"So..." I said, lightly after the waiter dropped off our drinks. "If we're going to work together, I feel like I need to know you a little better."
Richard gave me a questioning glance. "You need a resume? References?"
I smiled. "No, we can go straight to the interview. Inside or outside?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"Ok, rule number one: you just have to pick one. The first thing that comes to your mind." I instructed him.
"And this is going help you decide to work with me how?" He questioned me.
"I don't know shit about renovations or remodeling. I have to know if I can trust you." I lied.
"Outdoors. Like on your deck."
"While on the deck, are you drinking Coke or Pepsi?"
"Not sure what that has to do with remodeling, but neither. I'm not into sodas." He answered.
Urgh, why was this so hard?
"Rule number two: you have to pick. Besides, how in the world do you drink rum?" I said, trying to stay laidback and fun even though he was annoying me.
Just answer the fucking questions!
"Ice and if I have to, a tiny splash of coke." He replied.
I grinned, glad he was getting into it. "Good answer. I wouldn't be able to trust a Pepsi guy."
Over lunch, I found out he preferred Mexican food to Italian, night over morning, summer to winter, and briefs over boxers. He broke the rules on a few- like he rather watch soccer than baseball or football and neither on thongs or boyshots. I didn't complain because at least his answers were informative. My last question was east or west coast. He said he rather be down south, but if he had to pick, west coast was the best coast. I was thrilled he was checking out either my Facebook or Instagram.
"Thank you for joining me." I said as we got ready to go.
"Do you trust me enough to do the job?" Richard asked as we walked to our cars.
"I do." I said, giving him a hug, making sure I pressed my body against his.
"Then the interrogation was worth it then." He said, pulling away.
"The questions weren't for the job." I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek before walking to my car door. I gave him a smile. "See you soon."
I went to work and my brother called me. During my lunch, I worked through getting the huddle board done for the next week and reading over the notes Dr. Clayton left me. When I finally left, I saw I had another call from my brother.
I called him back, wondering if he was off from work yet. He answered on the second ring.
"Hey bro. What's up?" I asked, concerned.
"I talked to William. Trevor didn't quit." Cam began. William was the owner of the job Trevor and Cam used to work at.
"I called his job. The receptionist told me he was no longer working there." I sighed.
"I know, he's not."
I thought about it, then it hit me. "What? He got fired? Why?"
"He didn't get fired either."
"That doesn't make any sense." I said, getting upset. I had a great date. I didn't think about him at all. Why was he bringing this up? "You know what? It doesn't matter; I don't care."
"William legally couldn't tell me anything else, so I talked to Craig. Trevor's on leave." Cam continued anyway.
I remembered Craig. He was one of Trevor and Cam's coworkers.
"Yeah, he's done that before. For that website, remember?" I said, pulling into the driveway of Rocky's house.
"Lily, it's medical leave. All Craig knows is that he drove Trevor to some appointment. Trevor told Craig he was getting tested for something his dad had." Cam revealed to me.
I sat in my car, trying to process what he just told me. When it dawned on me, my hands shook and the phone fell to the floor.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Play Hard
*So sorry guys. I'm posting and editing from my phone which is the worst ever. The only good thing about my WiFi being down was I was able to write 2 more post. The editing might be rough, but I'll have them up this week.
"Hey, said a hustler's work is never through
We makin' it 'cause we make it move
The only thing we know how to do
Said it's the only thing we know how to do
Work hard, play hard
Work hard, play hard.
We work hard, play hard
Keep partyin' like it's your job" Play Hard by David Guetta ft Akon and Neyo
Friday night, after EJ's performance, I went home and pulled up my Facebook. I meant to change my status and delete all pictures of Trevor, but I couldn't. I fought the urge to look at Trevor's page and went through the pictures of us instead. I curled up in bed, allowing myself one last cry over Trevor, telling myself tomorrow I would have to move on.
I spent the rest of my weekend starting my life without Trevor. The thought of how easily Trevor was able to move on without me pushed me harder. I had to do the same. The first step was getting out of his apartment. Trevor signed the lease but I never did. I wrote a notice to quit in 60 days and a check for two months rent. I had no idea how that worked since Trevor resigned a lease but I followed normal procedures and dropped it off at the office Saturday.
Now that I had 2 months, I focused on buying a house. Staying with Rocky was fine, but I needed to make forward progression in my life, not go back. I called Chad on Saturday to see if the house I liked was still available. When it was, I explained to him my new annual salary and the fact I was now the only one that was going to be on the loan and deed.
I was grateful that he didn't ask any questions about Trevor. Part of me wanted to work with the real estate agency Rocky worked for just so I could avoid the awkwardness of having to explain it was only me. Not only did I not have the time to look for a completely new house with a new agent, I told myself to get over it. Was Trevor letting our breakup hinder him? Fuck no. I wouldn't either-I went full steam ahead.
I did have Rocky look over the house and crunch the numbers herself to see if I could afford it alone. She told me not at the listing price, but looking at how long the house was on the market and the fact that the roof needed work, I shouldn't offer the full price. She also told me to let my realtor know I could get an inspector in a week if they accept the offer to get the closing started. I relayed all this information to Chad, and he told me he'd get back to me on Monday.
I spent Sunday moving my items out of the storage Trevor and I shared to a new storage I rented alone. Most of my furniture was at the apartment and Forrest helped me move the bigger items. Afterwards, I thanked him for his hard work by treating him to beer and pizza while we watched football together at Rocky's house.
"How are you holding up?" Forrest asked me.
"A lot better than your cowboys without Romo and Dez." I quipped, taking a long swig of my Miller Light.
"I'm serious."
"I am too. Y'all look pathetic. Do I look pathetic?" I asked him.
Forrest eyed me closely.
I fidgeted under his glance, playing with my charm bracelet. I told myself to put it in storage, but I couldn't bare to part with it.
Forrest shook his head. " Not at all. Just the fact that you're productive says a lot. When Rachel left me, I was pathetic. I came back from Florida, parked in front of my couch and only got up to answer the door for food." Forrest said, self deprecatingly.
That sounded like me the first 2 weeks without Trevor. I might be up and productive, but I had to be. Any other time, I was thinking about Trevor. The entire weekend no matter how many times I told myself I didn't miss, need or want Trevor, my heart wouldn't believe it. I was mourning a part of me that I had no choice but to live without. I was barely holding it together- working made me forget how much it hurt.
I made a face and forced a laugh. "Wow, that is pathetic."
He nudged me. "I'm trying to comfort you, not have you make fun of me."
"I'm an emotional eater too. That's why I put myself on a diet and stay busy so I don't get depressed, overeat and get fat." I told him,
"Thanks Lily." He said, rubbing his stomach full of meaty pizza. I stuck with cheese only pizza and celery.
"Shut up. I didn't mean it like that. You look fine." I assured him.
"I know. All the protein from the meat. Try some." He said, picking me up a slice.
"No. I'm full." I said, shaking my head.
"No way. I've seen how much you can put away. You put competitive eaters to shame." Forrest said, holding the slice to my mouth.
I closed my mouth and scooted away. "Uh-uh."
"C'mon Lily. One little bite." He said, closing the gap between us on the couch. When I refused to open my mouth, he held the pizza in one hand and pinched my nostrils with his other hand. When I gasped for air, he put the pizza in my mouth, causing a piece of beef to fall on the couch.
"I'm telling Rocky." I said while chewing on the pizza. "She will castrate you for making a mess."
"I'm gonna tell her you did it." Forrest said, picking up the food, laughing. He fed it to Justine as he asked, "Where is she, by the way?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
Rocky showed up during the 4th quarter of the game. Forrest and I were playful raging each other's team loses when she greeted us with two handfuls of groceries. I scolded her for carrying so much by herself and banned her to the kitchen while Forrest and I brought in the rest.
"Got enough food here?" I asked her, as we put away the ton of snacks she bought.
"It's not just for us. Amber was planning a dinner out for your promotion, but I told her we could do something low key here." Rocky informed me.
"Why? I wanna go out." I said.
Rocky gave me a questioning look. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. That sounds fun." I nodded.
"You realize people will ask about Trevor?"
"So? We broke up. Does that mean I should go in hiding?" I said, tersely.
"The only reason you told me is because you needed help moving. People are going to question why Trevor's not there. That's all she's saying." Forrest jumped in.
"I was waiting till we had a clean break to tell everyone." I lied.
"Ok. I'll let Amber know. Los Lupes?" Rocky questioned.
"Excelente!" I said, with fake cheer. I turned to Forrest. "Make sure you're there Senior."
"Of course senorita. I'm looking forward to Mexican food." Forrest nodded.
"And celebrating my achievement right?" I corrected him.
"That too." He laughed.
I couldn't help the little smile as I pushed him. "Get out."
"Alright. I'll see y'all next weekend. Bye mamacita." Forrest waved, flashing Rocky a smile.
"Bye Forrest. See you next weekend." She smiled back at him.
"Be right back. I'll get the dishes. Go get off your feet." I told Rocky before walking Forrest out. She sent me a harsh glare before we left.
"Take care of yourself Lily." Forrest told me as I opened the door to let him out.
"I am."
"You say you are." Forrest commented.
I rolled my eyes at him and he raised his hands."I'm here if you need me, ok? That's all." He finished.
"Ok. But I won't. Drive safe!" I said goodbye.
As promised, Chad got back to me about the loan. The bank approved it, all he had to do was make the official offer to the owners. I kept my fingers cross that it came through. I knew I could find an apartment in 2 months, but I really wanted a house. I didn't want to just move on: I wanted to be doing much better than I was before.
The following week I started my training for the team lead position. It consisted of coming a couple of hours earlier each day to go over my new responsibilities with Dr. Fahri. As field supervisor, management training was one of his responsibilities. We went over the day to day management operations and what it would entail for me. I threw myself in my work, taking in all the training on delegating and developing my team.
On Thursday, I was on my way to work when I heard from Chad. The seller accepted the offer, so we were able to start the closing procedures. The same day, Dr. Fahri had a team huddle before shift change while everyone was there. During the meeting, he told us about his new position. He also announced Dr. Clayton as the opening team lead and me as the closing team lead. Everyone's reaction was mostly positive. I'm sure the look Vince gave me was one of disbelief, but I didn't dwell on it long. Or at all really. Everything in my life was coming together for the better and I worked my ass off to get it. I focused on continuing to do that.
Sammy, Rocky and I went out together the day of my celebratory dinner Saturday. Amber changed her schedule and was working a double so she couldn't join us. We started at the mall. They shopped while I browsed. I didn't see anything I liked nor did I need to spend money to have more stuff to move.
Sammy did treat me to a pair of ginger colored thigh high boots. It was a gift to me that helped her get her pair half off so I accepted them. Rocky paid for my nails as a gift. I stuck with a classic short french tip- I didn't think nail art came off as professional.
Afterwards, Sammy came over to Rocky's house and we got dressed together like old times. I blow dried my straightened hair and gave it a deep asymmetrical part to frame my face. Sammy offered to do my make-up, but I had a specific idea I wanted to myself. I gave myself a dramatic smokey eye, a ton of mascara and a rosey red lip. I paired my black plaid dress with black booties and silver chandelier earrings. I hesitated pulling off the charm bracelet when Sammy called my name to take pictures with me.
We took pictures with her phone and I told her not to tag me in any of them because all her accounts were public. Adil touched briefly on social media and maintaining decorum and I took it to heart. I already made all my accounts private. We reviewed the photos, before taking a few more. Rocky rushed us along, telling us Amber was blowing up her phone. On the car drive over, Sammy sent me the pictures that she took. I uploaded them and finally changed my status to single.
When we arrived at Los Lupes, a DJ was already set up on the outside patio area. He was playing "GDFR" and Sammy and I stopped to dance and rap along while Rocky headed inside to use the bathroom. Sammy only befriended people she knew on Snapchat, so I allowed her to post a video of me and her saying how the song just set the mood for the rest of the night.
As we laughed at the video, Amber came out, hands on her hips, giving us a withering stare.
"So y'all have time to post videos but you can't call to let me know y'all are here?" Amber asked, hands on her hips, full of attitude.
Sammy smiled at her. "There you are. We were looking for you."
"We're inside." Amber informed us.
"We couldn't get a table outside?" I pondered out loud.
"Maybe if you showed up on time, you woulda had a choice." Amber said, turning and sashaying away.
We followed her, looking at each other. "Is she drunk already?" Sammy asked.
"Who cares? We're here to have fun. She can get with it or get fucking lost." I shrugged.
Sammy laughed at me like I was joking, but I was so serious. I was having a good time, no matter what. I maintained that attitude when I saw fucking Jordan at our table. She was sitting next to Q and Kendal, who I was happy to see. I went around the table and gave hugs to everyone who came and congratulated me before I sat in the empty seat next to Forrest and Rocky.
"I ordered you guacamole with everything." Forrest told me.
"And that is why you're my best friend ever. Thank you!" I smiled at him.
"I guess the rest of us can take our gifts back!" Amber exclaimed.
"No! I want presents!" I demanded. While everyone ordered, the gifts came out.
Amber started with a gold chain with the words BOSS on it. Forrest helped put it on me while I thanked Amber and Will profusely. I took a selfie in the necklace before moving on. Forrest gave me a pot of gold box of chocolates and a gift card to Chuy's. When he complained that I didn't take a picture of his gift, I posed with him for a selfie holding them. Peyton and Chris gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card that read: When you're good at something, you tell everyone. When you're great at something, they tell you. Congratulations Lily!
Dino gave me a Best Boss Ever drinking glass and a bottle of Disaranno. Serena and Ethan gave me a vibrant painting featuring a little girl with bronze skin, brown eyes and brown hair in pigtails. She was wearing a blue t-shirt, basketball shorts and sneakers as she reached for the sky. The frame was silver and engraved with "Fuck the Glass Ceiling".
I laughed, gleefully. "I love this." I turned to Serena. "I know you picked this out."
She shook her head. "I did not. I wrapped it though."
Everyone laughed and I turned to Ethan, surprised.
"My mom helped." He said, nonchalantly.
"Thank her for me." I smiled, snapping a picture of it.
"Will do." He replied
"My turn, my turn." Blake said, handing me a gift bag. I pulled out a whip from the bag.
"What the fuck Blake!?!" I exclaimed.
He laughed. "When you have to crack the whip!" I pretended like I was going to hit him with it while Sammy laughed and took a picture.
"You're so stupid." I told him, putting the whip away.
"My momma always said it's the thought that counts. I thought about it. A lot." Blake said.
"I'm sure you did Blake." I said.
Jordan offered up two tickets to Taylor Swift. "I figured we could go together."
"Thanks Jordan." I said, while thinking how much I could get for them on Ebay.
Kendal and Q gave me gift cards.
"I know you're getting money already, but you can never get enough." Q told me with a smile.
"I'm closing on a house. I'll take all the money I can get. Thank you. Everyone. I appreciate this so much." I smiled, graciously.
"You decided on a house?" Ethan asked me.
"I did. The sellers accepted my offer. It needs some work, but I'm excited to remodel. Tell your mom I'm dedicating a room to that painting. " I smiled as we got our food and drinks. We ate, drank, and talked among ourselves. I was really having a great time. I didn't think about my ex at all...
"So you're remodeling? Gonna be getting your hands dirty huh?" Blake said.
"Correction, I will be finding dates at Home Depot for the next year." I quipped.
"Hey, I'm pretty handy." Blake informed me.
"I'm not dating you Blake. No offense, but I'm not dating anyone I'm friends with." I told him.
"We're not friends. I don't even like you." Blake argued.
I laughed at him.
"What happened between you and Trevor?" Jordan asked me.
I narrowed my eyes at her, before remembering not to care and relaxed.
"We broke up." I answered plainly.
I finished my margarita before ordering a round of shots.
"You know who works on houses? My brother's roommate Richard." Dino spoke up.
"Really?" I asked her.
"Yeah, they flip houses. That's how he met Dominick. I can set something up. Want me to give him your number?" Dino offered.
"Sure. Thanks." I said.
I enjoyed the rest of night with tequila and sopapillas. Amber dragged me out to the patio with Q and Kendal and we danced around and had a great, drunken time. I thanked everyone profusely again before we all filtered out when the restaurant closed. Ethan, Forrest and Will loaded Sammy's car with my presents before we drove home.
I sent Rocky away as Sammy and I unloaded her car. I gave Sammy a hug goodbye before I dragged myself to bed. I pulled out my phone to keep myself occupied until Sammy called and told me she made it home. As soon as I saw all the notifications on Facebook, I put my phone away. I told myself I was going to think about Tr- my ex. I wasn't going to ruin my evening thinking about him.
I found my vibrator instead. I thought about Richard's tan skin, built body, brown eyes and devious smile. He definitely was my type physical and he flirted with me every time he saw me which turned me on. Unfortunately, it wasn't Richard's image that pushed me over the edge. It was the memory of his lingering kisses, his impatient hands grasping all over my body and his playful grin that made me climax.
After my body relaxed from spasming, I pulled the covers around me and sobbed. I cried for being weak and pathetic. I thought I changed so much from the girl I believed I wasn't anymore- obsessing over someone who didn't want me back. What was wrong with me? My phone rang, and I quickly wiped my face. It was Sammy, saying she made it home.
"Are you alright?" Sammy asked me, after I croaked goodnight.
"Yeah... just had too much fun." I replied, swallowing.
Sammy laughed. "You deserve it. Work hard play hard is my motto."
"Mine too." I replied, before hanging up. I unclasped the bracelet on my wrist and threw it across the room before I passed out.
"Hey, said a hustler's work is never through
We makin' it 'cause we make it move
The only thing we know how to do
Said it's the only thing we know how to do
Work hard, play hard
Work hard, play hard.
We work hard, play hard
Keep partyin' like it's your job" Play Hard by David Guetta ft Akon and Neyo
Friday night, after EJ's performance, I went home and pulled up my Facebook. I meant to change my status and delete all pictures of Trevor, but I couldn't. I fought the urge to look at Trevor's page and went through the pictures of us instead. I curled up in bed, allowing myself one last cry over Trevor, telling myself tomorrow I would have to move on.
I spent the rest of my weekend starting my life without Trevor. The thought of how easily Trevor was able to move on without me pushed me harder. I had to do the same. The first step was getting out of his apartment. Trevor signed the lease but I never did. I wrote a notice to quit in 60 days and a check for two months rent. I had no idea how that worked since Trevor resigned a lease but I followed normal procedures and dropped it off at the office Saturday.
Now that I had 2 months, I focused on buying a house. Staying with Rocky was fine, but I needed to make forward progression in my life, not go back. I called Chad on Saturday to see if the house I liked was still available. When it was, I explained to him my new annual salary and the fact I was now the only one that was going to be on the loan and deed.
I was grateful that he didn't ask any questions about Trevor. Part of me wanted to work with the real estate agency Rocky worked for just so I could avoid the awkwardness of having to explain it was only me. Not only did I not have the time to look for a completely new house with a new agent, I told myself to get over it. Was Trevor letting our breakup hinder him? Fuck no. I wouldn't either-I went full steam ahead.
I did have Rocky look over the house and crunch the numbers herself to see if I could afford it alone. She told me not at the listing price, but looking at how long the house was on the market and the fact that the roof needed work, I shouldn't offer the full price. She also told me to let my realtor know I could get an inspector in a week if they accept the offer to get the closing started. I relayed all this information to Chad, and he told me he'd get back to me on Monday.
I spent Sunday moving my items out of the storage Trevor and I shared to a new storage I rented alone. Most of my furniture was at the apartment and Forrest helped me move the bigger items. Afterwards, I thanked him for his hard work by treating him to beer and pizza while we watched football together at Rocky's house.
"How are you holding up?" Forrest asked me.
"A lot better than your cowboys without Romo and Dez." I quipped, taking a long swig of my Miller Light.
"I'm serious."
"I am too. Y'all look pathetic. Do I look pathetic?" I asked him.
Forrest eyed me closely.
I fidgeted under his glance, playing with my charm bracelet. I told myself to put it in storage, but I couldn't bare to part with it.
Forrest shook his head. " Not at all. Just the fact that you're productive says a lot. When Rachel left me, I was pathetic. I came back from Florida, parked in front of my couch and only got up to answer the door for food." Forrest said, self deprecatingly.
That sounded like me the first 2 weeks without Trevor. I might be up and productive, but I had to be. Any other time, I was thinking about Trevor. The entire weekend no matter how many times I told myself I didn't miss, need or want Trevor, my heart wouldn't believe it. I was mourning a part of me that I had no choice but to live without. I was barely holding it together- working made me forget how much it hurt.
I made a face and forced a laugh. "Wow, that is pathetic."
He nudged me. "I'm trying to comfort you, not have you make fun of me."
"I'm an emotional eater too. That's why I put myself on a diet and stay busy so I don't get depressed, overeat and get fat." I told him,
"Thanks Lily." He said, rubbing his stomach full of meaty pizza. I stuck with cheese only pizza and celery.
"Shut up. I didn't mean it like that. You look fine." I assured him.
"I know. All the protein from the meat. Try some." He said, picking me up a slice.
"No. I'm full." I said, shaking my head.
"No way. I've seen how much you can put away. You put competitive eaters to shame." Forrest said, holding the slice to my mouth.
I closed my mouth and scooted away. "Uh-uh."
"C'mon Lily. One little bite." He said, closing the gap between us on the couch. When I refused to open my mouth, he held the pizza in one hand and pinched my nostrils with his other hand. When I gasped for air, he put the pizza in my mouth, causing a piece of beef to fall on the couch.
"I'm telling Rocky." I said while chewing on the pizza. "She will castrate you for making a mess."
"I'm gonna tell her you did it." Forrest said, picking up the food, laughing. He fed it to Justine as he asked, "Where is she, by the way?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
Rocky showed up during the 4th quarter of the game. Forrest and I were playful raging each other's team loses when she greeted us with two handfuls of groceries. I scolded her for carrying so much by herself and banned her to the kitchen while Forrest and I brought in the rest.
"Got enough food here?" I asked her, as we put away the ton of snacks she bought.
"It's not just for us. Amber was planning a dinner out for your promotion, but I told her we could do something low key here." Rocky informed me.
"Why? I wanna go out." I said.
Rocky gave me a questioning look. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. That sounds fun." I nodded.
"You realize people will ask about Trevor?"
"So? We broke up. Does that mean I should go in hiding?" I said, tersely.
"The only reason you told me is because you needed help moving. People are going to question why Trevor's not there. That's all she's saying." Forrest jumped in.
"I was waiting till we had a clean break to tell everyone." I lied.
"Ok. I'll let Amber know. Los Lupes?" Rocky questioned.
"Excelente!" I said, with fake cheer. I turned to Forrest. "Make sure you're there Senior."
"Of course senorita. I'm looking forward to Mexican food." Forrest nodded.
"And celebrating my achievement right?" I corrected him.
"That too." He laughed.
I couldn't help the little smile as I pushed him. "Get out."
"Alright. I'll see y'all next weekend. Bye mamacita." Forrest waved, flashing Rocky a smile.
"Bye Forrest. See you next weekend." She smiled back at him.
"Be right back. I'll get the dishes. Go get off your feet." I told Rocky before walking Forrest out. She sent me a harsh glare before we left.
"Take care of yourself Lily." Forrest told me as I opened the door to let him out.
"I am."
"You say you are." Forrest commented.
I rolled my eyes at him and he raised his hands."I'm here if you need me, ok? That's all." He finished.
"Ok. But I won't. Drive safe!" I said goodbye.
As promised, Chad got back to me about the loan. The bank approved it, all he had to do was make the official offer to the owners. I kept my fingers cross that it came through. I knew I could find an apartment in 2 months, but I really wanted a house. I didn't want to just move on: I wanted to be doing much better than I was before.
The following week I started my training for the team lead position. It consisted of coming a couple of hours earlier each day to go over my new responsibilities with Dr. Fahri. As field supervisor, management training was one of his responsibilities. We went over the day to day management operations and what it would entail for me. I threw myself in my work, taking in all the training on delegating and developing my team.
On Thursday, I was on my way to work when I heard from Chad. The seller accepted the offer, so we were able to start the closing procedures. The same day, Dr. Fahri had a team huddle before shift change while everyone was there. During the meeting, he told us about his new position. He also announced Dr. Clayton as the opening team lead and me as the closing team lead. Everyone's reaction was mostly positive. I'm sure the look Vince gave me was one of disbelief, but I didn't dwell on it long. Or at all really. Everything in my life was coming together for the better and I worked my ass off to get it. I focused on continuing to do that.
Sammy, Rocky and I went out together the day of my celebratory dinner Saturday. Amber changed her schedule and was working a double so she couldn't join us. We started at the mall. They shopped while I browsed. I didn't see anything I liked nor did I need to spend money to have more stuff to move.
Sammy did treat me to a pair of ginger colored thigh high boots. It was a gift to me that helped her get her pair half off so I accepted them. Rocky paid for my nails as a gift. I stuck with a classic short french tip- I didn't think nail art came off as professional.
Afterwards, Sammy came over to Rocky's house and we got dressed together like old times. I blow dried my straightened hair and gave it a deep asymmetrical part to frame my face. Sammy offered to do my make-up, but I had a specific idea I wanted to myself. I gave myself a dramatic smokey eye, a ton of mascara and a rosey red lip. I paired my black plaid dress with black booties and silver chandelier earrings. I hesitated pulling off the charm bracelet when Sammy called my name to take pictures with me.
We took pictures with her phone and I told her not to tag me in any of them because all her accounts were public. Adil touched briefly on social media and maintaining decorum and I took it to heart. I already made all my accounts private. We reviewed the photos, before taking a few more. Rocky rushed us along, telling us Amber was blowing up her phone. On the car drive over, Sammy sent me the pictures that she took. I uploaded them and finally changed my status to single.
When we arrived at Los Lupes, a DJ was already set up on the outside patio area. He was playing "GDFR" and Sammy and I stopped to dance and rap along while Rocky headed inside to use the bathroom. Sammy only befriended people she knew on Snapchat, so I allowed her to post a video of me and her saying how the song just set the mood for the rest of the night.
As we laughed at the video, Amber came out, hands on her hips, giving us a withering stare.
"So y'all have time to post videos but you can't call to let me know y'all are here?" Amber asked, hands on her hips, full of attitude.
Sammy smiled at her. "There you are. We were looking for you."
"We're inside." Amber informed us.
"We couldn't get a table outside?" I pondered out loud.
"Maybe if you showed up on time, you woulda had a choice." Amber said, turning and sashaying away.
We followed her, looking at each other. "Is she drunk already?" Sammy asked.
"Who cares? We're here to have fun. She can get with it or get fucking lost." I shrugged.
Sammy laughed at me like I was joking, but I was so serious. I was having a good time, no matter what. I maintained that attitude when I saw fucking Jordan at our table. She was sitting next to Q and Kendal, who I was happy to see. I went around the table and gave hugs to everyone who came and congratulated me before I sat in the empty seat next to Forrest and Rocky.
"I ordered you guacamole with everything." Forrest told me.
"And that is why you're my best friend ever. Thank you!" I smiled at him.
"I guess the rest of us can take our gifts back!" Amber exclaimed.
"No! I want presents!" I demanded. While everyone ordered, the gifts came out.
Amber started with a gold chain with the words BOSS on it. Forrest helped put it on me while I thanked Amber and Will profusely. I took a selfie in the necklace before moving on. Forrest gave me a pot of gold box of chocolates and a gift card to Chuy's. When he complained that I didn't take a picture of his gift, I posed with him for a selfie holding them. Peyton and Chris gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card that read: When you're good at something, you tell everyone. When you're great at something, they tell you. Congratulations Lily!
Dino gave me a Best Boss Ever drinking glass and a bottle of Disaranno. Serena and Ethan gave me a vibrant painting featuring a little girl with bronze skin, brown eyes and brown hair in pigtails. She was wearing a blue t-shirt, basketball shorts and sneakers as she reached for the sky. The frame was silver and engraved with "Fuck the Glass Ceiling".
I laughed, gleefully. "I love this." I turned to Serena. "I know you picked this out."
She shook her head. "I did not. I wrapped it though."
Everyone laughed and I turned to Ethan, surprised.
"My mom helped." He said, nonchalantly.
"Thank her for me." I smiled, snapping a picture of it.
"Will do." He replied
"My turn, my turn." Blake said, handing me a gift bag. I pulled out a whip from the bag.
"What the fuck Blake!?!" I exclaimed.
He laughed. "When you have to crack the whip!" I pretended like I was going to hit him with it while Sammy laughed and took a picture.
"You're so stupid." I told him, putting the whip away.
"My momma always said it's the thought that counts. I thought about it. A lot." Blake said.
"I'm sure you did Blake." I said.
Jordan offered up two tickets to Taylor Swift. "I figured we could go together."
"Thanks Jordan." I said, while thinking how much I could get for them on Ebay.
Kendal and Q gave me gift cards.
"I know you're getting money already, but you can never get enough." Q told me with a smile.
"I'm closing on a house. I'll take all the money I can get. Thank you. Everyone. I appreciate this so much." I smiled, graciously.
"You decided on a house?" Ethan asked me.
"I did. The sellers accepted my offer. It needs some work, but I'm excited to remodel. Tell your mom I'm dedicating a room to that painting. " I smiled as we got our food and drinks. We ate, drank, and talked among ourselves. I was really having a great time. I didn't think about my ex at all...
"So you're remodeling? Gonna be getting your hands dirty huh?" Blake said.
"Correction, I will be finding dates at Home Depot for the next year." I quipped.
"Hey, I'm pretty handy." Blake informed me.
"I'm not dating you Blake. No offense, but I'm not dating anyone I'm friends with." I told him.
"We're not friends. I don't even like you." Blake argued.
I laughed at him.
"What happened between you and Trevor?" Jordan asked me.
I narrowed my eyes at her, before remembering not to care and relaxed.
"We broke up." I answered plainly.
I finished my margarita before ordering a round of shots.
"You know who works on houses? My brother's roommate Richard." Dino spoke up.
"Really?" I asked her.
"Yeah, they flip houses. That's how he met Dominick. I can set something up. Want me to give him your number?" Dino offered.
"Sure. Thanks." I said.
I enjoyed the rest of night with tequila and sopapillas. Amber dragged me out to the patio with Q and Kendal and we danced around and had a great, drunken time. I thanked everyone profusely again before we all filtered out when the restaurant closed. Ethan, Forrest and Will loaded Sammy's car with my presents before we drove home.
I sent Rocky away as Sammy and I unloaded her car. I gave Sammy a hug goodbye before I dragged myself to bed. I pulled out my phone to keep myself occupied until Sammy called and told me she made it home. As soon as I saw all the notifications on Facebook, I put my phone away. I told myself I was going to think about Tr- my ex. I wasn't going to ruin my evening thinking about him.
I found my vibrator instead. I thought about Richard's tan skin, built body, brown eyes and devious smile. He definitely was my type physical and he flirted with me every time he saw me which turned me on. Unfortunately, it wasn't Richard's image that pushed me over the edge. It was the memory of his lingering kisses, his impatient hands grasping all over my body and his playful grin that made me climax.
After my body relaxed from spasming, I pulled the covers around me and sobbed. I cried for being weak and pathetic. I thought I changed so much from the girl I believed I wasn't anymore- obsessing over someone who didn't want me back. What was wrong with me? My phone rang, and I quickly wiped my face. It was Sammy, saying she made it home.
"Are you alright?" Sammy asked me, after I croaked goodnight.
"Yeah... just had too much fun." I replied, swallowing.
Sammy laughed. "You deserve it. Work hard play hard is my motto."
"Mine too." I replied, before hanging up. I unclasped the bracelet on my wrist and threw it across the room before I passed out.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Wake Me Up When September Ends
*I will be getting into different point of views next week, but for now, I'm sticking with Lily's. From her point of view, things might not make sense because they don't to her as well.
This post is transitional and covers quite a bit of time. The month of September to be exact. Not only am I trying to catch up with real time, but I'm moving the story line along. There were a lot of good theories and guesses about what's going on- it'll be revealed soon!
"Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends" Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day
It's been 2 weeks since Trevor told me he couldn't do this anymore and he needed a break. I thought I convinced him that night to stay so we could figure things out. I woke up the following morning of our talk alone. On the night stand, there was a handwritten note that read simply:
As hurtful as his words were and as worried I was about what changed between us, I already forgave him. I was determined to work it out with him, no matter what. I went about my day, going shopping then to work like normal.
At work, I had a missed call from our apartment management, informing me I needed to come to the office and sign the new lease. Trevor and I originally decided not to sign a new lease. We were staying month to month because we planned to move by the end of the year. There shouldn't have been a new lease but now our plans changed.
When I came home to an empty apartment, I just sent him a text to see where he was. After cooking and taking Justine out for a walk, I watched Ninja Warrior. When the hippie guy won, I sent Trevor a text telling him he won the bet. I went to our room and eventually fell asleep watching Gilmore Girls and waiting by the phone. The next morning, still no word from Trevor.
I was disappointed, but I tried not to get upset. He ghosted me before when he didn't know what to do. I believed in my heart that's what he was doing- figuring out how to move forward. I called the apartments to let them know Trevor and I would be down to sign the lease sometime this week. The leasing manager informed me Trevor already signed the lease, she just needed me.
That confused me even more. I wondered when Trevor signed a new lease. It was possible he did Monday, but would they be able to make a new lease that quickly? If they did, why wouldn't he wait for me? Why wouldn't he come home? Unless he did and slept on the couch... I had no idea what to think, so I didn't. I just waited for him to come home.
By the end of the week, I was done waiting. I tried to call, but he didn't pick up. I figured he was at work, so I texted him repeatedly before I went to work Friday.
Me: I love you Trevor.
Me: Let's just talk about this, no pressure.
Me: Even if you don't want to be together, we need to figure out the lease and the apartment. Please call me.
Me: Whatever is going on, is it worth our entire relationship?
Me: This is the last text I'm sending you. It's been enough time. If you don't call me back, I'm considering us DONE!
I went to work, knowing when I got off my phone would be full of messages from him. I didn't receive one. I convinced myself he would be home waiting for me as I drove home. I came home, once again, to an empty apartment. Anger and sadness hit me all at once. I pulled out my phone without even thinking. I called over and over again. I lost count how many times I called. When they started going straight to voicemail, I stopped and packed up his clothes. I planned to send him a picture next to show that I was serious. I knew he ignored my calls so he would be able to see my text. I sent him a picture of his bags with the caption:
Me: Your stuff is ready for you. If you don't want to be in this relationship, you move out.
I took Justine outside for a walk. When I came back, with still no response from Trevor, I bombarded him with more text.
Me: I can't believe your willing to throw our entire relationship away.
Me: I'm not asking for us to get married, buy a house, we don't even have to live together. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
Me: YOU pushed for the house. YOU said you wanted to marry me. YOU WANTED THIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP, NOW YOU WANNA BAIL? FUCK YOU!
Me: I TOLD SAMMY LAST YEAR I WOULD NEVER DATE YOU 'CAUSE ALL YOU WANTED WAS THE FUCKING CHASE. THANKS FOR PROVING ME RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED OR BELIEVED YOU.
Me: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS NEVER!!!
Me: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO TALK TO ME. WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS AFTER THIS. REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT!
ME: I HATE YOU TREVOR. I WISH I NEVER MET YOU!
I moved to the bathroom to pack up the rest of his belongings. I didn't care if his name was still on the lease: he could stay wherever he was at now. While I was cleaning out the bathroom, my phone rang. I dropped everything and ran to it.
Despair filled me when I saw it wasn't Trevor. It was Rocky. I let it ring. I had no intentions of telling my friends what was going on. Tears fell from my eyes, but I angrily wiped them away as I packed his belongings.
I was going through the kitchen when I heard a knock on the door. I got ready to prepare for war with Trevor when I swung open the door. It was Rocky.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, fixing my face.
"Trevor just texted me to take care of you. He didn't answer, then you didn't answer." Rocky complained, stepping into the apartment. She looked at Trevor's pile of things and back at me.
"What's going on?" Rocky asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"We had a... disagreement."
"A disagreement about what?"
"He needs time to sort things out. I'm making sure he has everything he needs." I lied.
She looked over at the pile again. "Lily-"
"He just needs a break. I do too really. It's always fucking something." I cut her off.
"I'm here, do you wanna talk about it?" She asked.
"No. He'll be back soon and I'm going to tell him off for involving you. You should be at home, resting not in the middle of our drama." I assured her.
"I'm pregnant Lily. Not sick and I'm staying until he gets back." Rocky said firmly.
"No. We need to talk and you know how Trevor is about confrontation. We'll work it out. We always do."
She reluctantly agreed and left. As soon as she did, I broke down in tears. I retrieved my phone and called him again. This time, I left a voicemail.
"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. If I meant anything to you, just call me back please."
The first weekend was the hardest. I stayed in bed, waiting for a call or text that never came. I buried myself in the sheets and comforter we shared and cried. I obsessed over every moment of the last night we spent together. He said he loved me. I knew he meant it- in every kiss and every caress I felt it. His lips and his fingers touched me everywhere as if he was trying to love every inch of my body.
Then with shocking clarity, I realized he knew that was our last time. He wasn't willing to give us another chance; he was saying goodbye. I cried harder as I dissected every conversation we had since Florida. Everything was perfect in Florida. What changed? When did he decided to leave me? Why did he leave me? What did I do?
Rocky called and I flat out lied to her. I told her Trevor and I talked when we hadn't. By Monday, I was desperate enough to call his job to speak to him. I was flabbergasted to find out he was no longer working there. I knew there were times he hated his job, but he always said it was worth it for us and our future. I called his phone, only to receive the message that the number had been disconnected.
I was devastated. I felt so many different emotions that I just couldn't handle, so I didn't. I went numb, staying on autopilot the rest of the week. I woke up, fed Justine, went to work only to repeat the same pattern all over again. I didn't answer phone calls, respond to text or even look at the notifications on my phone. They weren't from Trevor, so I wanted nothing to do with them.
On Sunday of the second weekend, there was knocking on my door. I looked through the peephole. It was Rocky, Amber and Sammy. I would have left them outside, but Amber had her kids so I let them in. They came with a ton of food. After the kids were set up in the living room with the movie Home, we sat down at the dining room table. They made me a plate. I pushed the food around, taking small bites before telling the truth.
"He said he needed a break and that he couldn't give me what I wanted. That was two weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since." I confessed, devoid of any emotions.
Amber reached over and grabbed my hand while Rocky sat back and thought to herself. When Sammy pulled out her phone, mumbling curses, I stopped her.
"His phone is cut off. He doesn't even work at his job anymore."
"I'll see if Corey has talked to him. Rocky, call Bilal and see what he knows." Sammy snapped into action.
Rocky hesitated, before nodding. "What were y'all fighting about?"
"I don't know. He went to Austin and I thought we were ok. He came home and said he couldn't do this anymore." I answered.
Sammy hung up her phone. "Corey said they texted last week, but he didn't know his number changed. His going to email him as soon as he gets off work."
"Do you think there might be someone else in the picture?" Amber asked.
The thought briefly crossed my mind, but I couldn't think about it. I shrugged.
Sammy cleared her throat. "That's a possibility. Especially if he thought you were fooling around with Forrest. I know you said he wasn't jealous, but he was. I could tell."
I flinched at her words. Trevor admitted he was envious of our friendship- maybe Sammy was right. The trip to Florida was to keep me away from Forrest. The following weekend, while Trevor was out of town, he had to see videos of me at Forrest's house like I was on an episode of Cribs. How stupid could I be? Tears sprang in my eyes but I didn't let them fall. God, shouldn't I be cried out by now?
"Even if that's true, his job, changing his number and disappearing? That's extreme. I don't know what's going on, but we'll figure it out. At the very least, he owes you an explanation." Rocky stated.
"I agree. Wait it out Lily. Trevor's gonna realize he made a huge mistake. I know it." Amber encouraged me.
I said nothing; just went back to picking at my plate.
"I think you should come stay with me." Rocky suggested.
"Or me. I'm closer to your job. It'll be like old times." Sammy offered.
I shook my head. "No, I signed a new lease. I'm staying here."
"Lily, your fish are dead. When's the last time you took Justine out or went grocery shopping?" Rocky interrogated me.
I looked down, ashamed. I forgot all about the stupid fish that Trevor named Thing 1 and Thing 2. I changed Justine's potty pads and made sure she had food and fresh water, but I didn't get out of bed unless it was for work. I ate lunchables and sandwiches from the shop at my job and that was only because my stomach growled embarrassingly in front of clients. That was the only shopping I did.
"Give yourself a break. It'll just be temporarily and it would help me out a lot too. I like having Justine around. And you too." Rocky added, with a soft smile.
I nodded and packed a bag for me and Justine. With Rocky's supervision, on the third week I returned back to the land of living. I worked out, walked Justine, and finally went through my phone. Chad sent me messages regarding the house and Forrest sent random text about the 49ers and how bad they were doing. Ethan also sent me the information to his church for EJ's performance. Part of me wanted not to go, but I couldn't do that to EJ. Amber and Corey were going too, so I planned to go as well.
There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't think about Trevor. I wondered where he was, what he was doing, and if he was thinking about me too. Sammy was right in the regards of something being up with Trevor. I felt something was wrong for a long time now, but I always let it go. I realized Rocky was right: I was owed an explanation. When I finally heard from him or find out where he was, I was demanding answers. Like Amber said, I had no choice but to wait it out.
On Wednesday, the last day of September, I had my interview with Dr. Tran for the team lead position. Unlike my first interview, I wasn't nervous or anxious about the job. The worst that could happen was I didn't get it. That didn't bother me at all. It was easy to prove I was dedicated to my career. I would give my all, work hard and be flexible because really, what else did I have going for me? Apparently, I was convincing because Dr. Tran offered me the position. I agreed and thanked him for the opportunity.
Thankful, Corey texted me Friday to see if I wanted to drive to the church in McKinney together. I automatically assumed it would be on Sunday, but apparently, it was a week long revival and EJ was performing with the youth choir Friday. I told Corey I would met him there because I had to drive straight from work.
After I got off work as early as I could, I threw a button up blouse over my scrubs and hailed ass to the church. I was about 20 minutes late, but quickly found Corey and slid in the pew towards the back next to him.
"Did I miss anything?" I asked him, quietly.
"A few "Hallelujahs" and "Praise the Lord", but the youth choir hasn't performed yet." Corey smiled at me.
I forced a little smile too, before turning my attention to the pastor. He was preaching about Autumn and how it was the season of harvest. He applied it to life and how everyone had to reap what they sowed. He told us not to sow tomatoes and expect to get cucumbers out the ground. Whatever we put into the ground is what was coming back up. He went on about how we cause thing to happen in our life by what we sowed whether it be good or bad- In relationships, careers, family and especially our children.
I couldn't help but wonder what I sowed in the ground. Maybe I was doomed from the start-I didn't even know who my biological dad was and my mother abandoned me. It was what my parent sowed into me- I was the reaping of their mistakes.
The sermon concluded with the pastor urging us to give our life to God. Through prayer and his love, we could change what we sowed. The youth choir performed a melody of uplifting, gospel songs. I didn't recognize one, but I enjoyed them. The children's voices sounded so innocent and sweet and EJ looked so comfortable and confident on the drums. If he made a mistake, I didn't hear it.
"He crushed it." Corey said, confirming my thoughts. I smiled the first genuine smile in three weeks. After testimonies and more singing from the adult choir, the revival ended.
Corey and I stayed seated in the pew as the church members greeted each other.
"I heard from Trevor. We've been emailing back and forth. He never responds to my questions about you, but he's in Wichita Falls. I think with his mom." Corey told me.
In that moment, I knew it was truly over between Trevor and me. He told me he wanted nothing to do with his mom because how she felt about me. A lot of things didn't add up but one thing was abundantly clear- he no longer wanted to be with me.
"I can get the address. Tell him I wanna send something to him. Then you can go see him-" I cut him off, shaking my head. There was no way I could face him or his mom.
Corey went over to speak to Dave, Megan's live in boyfriend, while I made my way over to Amber, Will and their kids. They looked picture perfect matching in Brown and white attire.
"You made it... in scrubs." Amber greeted me, giving me a glance over before hugging me.
"Yeah, I literally sped from work to get here." I said, before hugging the girls and scooping Robbie up for a hug.
"That's why I traded to get off." Amber said.
"Well, now that I got promoted to team lead, I won't have that option." I said, plastering on a smile.
"Lily, congratulations! We gotta celebrate!" Amber exclaimed.
The church cleared out and we were able to congratulate EJ on his performance outside the church. Ethan and Megan stood beside EJ looking like the poster board for blended families with Dave and Serena nearby. All his grandparents were in attendance and you could tell how proud they were. As happy as I was for EJ, it was hard to be around.
That's why I turned down Mrs. Carter invitation to go out for dinner. I wasn't in the mood to be around them. In the past, I would have gone and faked it just to be polite, but I was done with that. I went back to Rocky's house, determined to figure out my life without Trevor in it.
This post is transitional and covers quite a bit of time. The month of September to be exact. Not only am I trying to catch up with real time, but I'm moving the story line along. There were a lot of good theories and guesses about what's going on- it'll be revealed soon!
"Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends" Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day
It's been 2 weeks since Trevor told me he couldn't do this anymore and he needed a break. I thought I convinced him that night to stay so we could figure things out. I woke up the following morning of our talk alone. On the night stand, there was a handwritten note that read simply:
I'm sorry Lily.
As hurtful as his words were and as worried I was about what changed between us, I already forgave him. I was determined to work it out with him, no matter what. I went about my day, going shopping then to work like normal.
At work, I had a missed call from our apartment management, informing me I needed to come to the office and sign the new lease. Trevor and I originally decided not to sign a new lease. We were staying month to month because we planned to move by the end of the year. There shouldn't have been a new lease but now our plans changed.
When I came home to an empty apartment, I just sent him a text to see where he was. After cooking and taking Justine out for a walk, I watched Ninja Warrior. When the hippie guy won, I sent Trevor a text telling him he won the bet. I went to our room and eventually fell asleep watching Gilmore Girls and waiting by the phone. The next morning, still no word from Trevor.
I was disappointed, but I tried not to get upset. He ghosted me before when he didn't know what to do. I believed in my heart that's what he was doing- figuring out how to move forward. I called the apartments to let them know Trevor and I would be down to sign the lease sometime this week. The leasing manager informed me Trevor already signed the lease, she just needed me.
That confused me even more. I wondered when Trevor signed a new lease. It was possible he did Monday, but would they be able to make a new lease that quickly? If they did, why wouldn't he wait for me? Why wouldn't he come home? Unless he did and slept on the couch... I had no idea what to think, so I didn't. I just waited for him to come home.
By the end of the week, I was done waiting. I tried to call, but he didn't pick up. I figured he was at work, so I texted him repeatedly before I went to work Friday.
Me: I love you Trevor.
Me: Let's just talk about this, no pressure.
Me: Even if you don't want to be together, we need to figure out the lease and the apartment. Please call me.
Me: Whatever is going on, is it worth our entire relationship?
Me: This is the last text I'm sending you. It's been enough time. If you don't call me back, I'm considering us DONE!
I went to work, knowing when I got off my phone would be full of messages from him. I didn't receive one. I convinced myself he would be home waiting for me as I drove home. I came home, once again, to an empty apartment. Anger and sadness hit me all at once. I pulled out my phone without even thinking. I called over and over again. I lost count how many times I called. When they started going straight to voicemail, I stopped and packed up his clothes. I planned to send him a picture next to show that I was serious. I knew he ignored my calls so he would be able to see my text. I sent him a picture of his bags with the caption:
Me: Your stuff is ready for you. If you don't want to be in this relationship, you move out.
I took Justine outside for a walk. When I came back, with still no response from Trevor, I bombarded him with more text.
Me: I can't believe your willing to throw our entire relationship away.
Me: I'm not asking for us to get married, buy a house, we don't even have to live together. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
Me: YOU pushed for the house. YOU said you wanted to marry me. YOU WANTED THIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP, NOW YOU WANNA BAIL? FUCK YOU!
Me: I TOLD SAMMY LAST YEAR I WOULD NEVER DATE YOU 'CAUSE ALL YOU WANTED WAS THE FUCKING CHASE. THANKS FOR PROVING ME RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED OR BELIEVED YOU.
Me: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS NEVER!!!
Me: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO TALK TO ME. WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS AFTER THIS. REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT!
ME: I HATE YOU TREVOR. I WISH I NEVER MET YOU!
I moved to the bathroom to pack up the rest of his belongings. I didn't care if his name was still on the lease: he could stay wherever he was at now. While I was cleaning out the bathroom, my phone rang. I dropped everything and ran to it.
Despair filled me when I saw it wasn't Trevor. It was Rocky. I let it ring. I had no intentions of telling my friends what was going on. Tears fell from my eyes, but I angrily wiped them away as I packed his belongings.
I was going through the kitchen when I heard a knock on the door. I got ready to prepare for war with Trevor when I swung open the door. It was Rocky.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, fixing my face.
"Trevor just texted me to take care of you. He didn't answer, then you didn't answer." Rocky complained, stepping into the apartment. She looked at Trevor's pile of things and back at me.
"What's going on?" Rocky asked me.
I shook my head. "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"We had a... disagreement."
"A disagreement about what?"
"He needs time to sort things out. I'm making sure he has everything he needs." I lied.
She looked over at the pile again. "Lily-"
"He just needs a break. I do too really. It's always fucking something." I cut her off.
"I'm here, do you wanna talk about it?" She asked.
"No. He'll be back soon and I'm going to tell him off for involving you. You should be at home, resting not in the middle of our drama." I assured her.
"I'm pregnant Lily. Not sick and I'm staying until he gets back." Rocky said firmly.
"No. We need to talk and you know how Trevor is about confrontation. We'll work it out. We always do."
She reluctantly agreed and left. As soon as she did, I broke down in tears. I retrieved my phone and called him again. This time, I left a voicemail.
"I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. If I meant anything to you, just call me back please."
The first weekend was the hardest. I stayed in bed, waiting for a call or text that never came. I buried myself in the sheets and comforter we shared and cried. I obsessed over every moment of the last night we spent together. He said he loved me. I knew he meant it- in every kiss and every caress I felt it. His lips and his fingers touched me everywhere as if he was trying to love every inch of my body.
Then with shocking clarity, I realized he knew that was our last time. He wasn't willing to give us another chance; he was saying goodbye. I cried harder as I dissected every conversation we had since Florida. Everything was perfect in Florida. What changed? When did he decided to leave me? Why did he leave me? What did I do?
Rocky called and I flat out lied to her. I told her Trevor and I talked when we hadn't. By Monday, I was desperate enough to call his job to speak to him. I was flabbergasted to find out he was no longer working there. I knew there were times he hated his job, but he always said it was worth it for us and our future. I called his phone, only to receive the message that the number had been disconnected.
I was devastated. I felt so many different emotions that I just couldn't handle, so I didn't. I went numb, staying on autopilot the rest of the week. I woke up, fed Justine, went to work only to repeat the same pattern all over again. I didn't answer phone calls, respond to text or even look at the notifications on my phone. They weren't from Trevor, so I wanted nothing to do with them.
On Sunday of the second weekend, there was knocking on my door. I looked through the peephole. It was Rocky, Amber and Sammy. I would have left them outside, but Amber had her kids so I let them in. They came with a ton of food. After the kids were set up in the living room with the movie Home, we sat down at the dining room table. They made me a plate. I pushed the food around, taking small bites before telling the truth.
"He said he needed a break and that he couldn't give me what I wanted. That was two weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since." I confessed, devoid of any emotions.
Amber reached over and grabbed my hand while Rocky sat back and thought to herself. When Sammy pulled out her phone, mumbling curses, I stopped her.
"His phone is cut off. He doesn't even work at his job anymore."
"I'll see if Corey has talked to him. Rocky, call Bilal and see what he knows." Sammy snapped into action.
Rocky hesitated, before nodding. "What were y'all fighting about?"
"I don't know. He went to Austin and I thought we were ok. He came home and said he couldn't do this anymore." I answered.
Sammy hung up her phone. "Corey said they texted last week, but he didn't know his number changed. His going to email him as soon as he gets off work."
"Do you think there might be someone else in the picture?" Amber asked.
The thought briefly crossed my mind, but I couldn't think about it. I shrugged.
Sammy cleared her throat. "That's a possibility. Especially if he thought you were fooling around with Forrest. I know you said he wasn't jealous, but he was. I could tell."
I flinched at her words. Trevor admitted he was envious of our friendship- maybe Sammy was right. The trip to Florida was to keep me away from Forrest. The following weekend, while Trevor was out of town, he had to see videos of me at Forrest's house like I was on an episode of Cribs. How stupid could I be? Tears sprang in my eyes but I didn't let them fall. God, shouldn't I be cried out by now?
"Even if that's true, his job, changing his number and disappearing? That's extreme. I don't know what's going on, but we'll figure it out. At the very least, he owes you an explanation." Rocky stated.
"I agree. Wait it out Lily. Trevor's gonna realize he made a huge mistake. I know it." Amber encouraged me.
I said nothing; just went back to picking at my plate.
"I think you should come stay with me." Rocky suggested.
"Or me. I'm closer to your job. It'll be like old times." Sammy offered.
I shook my head. "No, I signed a new lease. I'm staying here."
"Lily, your fish are dead. When's the last time you took Justine out or went grocery shopping?" Rocky interrogated me.
I looked down, ashamed. I forgot all about the stupid fish that Trevor named Thing 1 and Thing 2. I changed Justine's potty pads and made sure she had food and fresh water, but I didn't get out of bed unless it was for work. I ate lunchables and sandwiches from the shop at my job and that was only because my stomach growled embarrassingly in front of clients. That was the only shopping I did.
"Give yourself a break. It'll just be temporarily and it would help me out a lot too. I like having Justine around. And you too." Rocky added, with a soft smile.
I nodded and packed a bag for me and Justine. With Rocky's supervision, on the third week I returned back to the land of living. I worked out, walked Justine, and finally went through my phone. Chad sent me messages regarding the house and Forrest sent random text about the 49ers and how bad they were doing. Ethan also sent me the information to his church for EJ's performance. Part of me wanted not to go, but I couldn't do that to EJ. Amber and Corey were going too, so I planned to go as well.
There wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't think about Trevor. I wondered where he was, what he was doing, and if he was thinking about me too. Sammy was right in the regards of something being up with Trevor. I felt something was wrong for a long time now, but I always let it go. I realized Rocky was right: I was owed an explanation. When I finally heard from him or find out where he was, I was demanding answers. Like Amber said, I had no choice but to wait it out.
On Wednesday, the last day of September, I had my interview with Dr. Tran for the team lead position. Unlike my first interview, I wasn't nervous or anxious about the job. The worst that could happen was I didn't get it. That didn't bother me at all. It was easy to prove I was dedicated to my career. I would give my all, work hard and be flexible because really, what else did I have going for me? Apparently, I was convincing because Dr. Tran offered me the position. I agreed and thanked him for the opportunity.
Thankful, Corey texted me Friday to see if I wanted to drive to the church in McKinney together. I automatically assumed it would be on Sunday, but apparently, it was a week long revival and EJ was performing with the youth choir Friday. I told Corey I would met him there because I had to drive straight from work.
After I got off work as early as I could, I threw a button up blouse over my scrubs and hailed ass to the church. I was about 20 minutes late, but quickly found Corey and slid in the pew towards the back next to him.
"Did I miss anything?" I asked him, quietly.
"A few "Hallelujahs" and "Praise the Lord", but the youth choir hasn't performed yet." Corey smiled at me.
I forced a little smile too, before turning my attention to the pastor. He was preaching about Autumn and how it was the season of harvest. He applied it to life and how everyone had to reap what they sowed. He told us not to sow tomatoes and expect to get cucumbers out the ground. Whatever we put into the ground is what was coming back up. He went on about how we cause thing to happen in our life by what we sowed whether it be good or bad- In relationships, careers, family and especially our children.
I couldn't help but wonder what I sowed in the ground. Maybe I was doomed from the start-I didn't even know who my biological dad was and my mother abandoned me. It was what my parent sowed into me- I was the reaping of their mistakes.
The sermon concluded with the pastor urging us to give our life to God. Through prayer and his love, we could change what we sowed. The youth choir performed a melody of uplifting, gospel songs. I didn't recognize one, but I enjoyed them. The children's voices sounded so innocent and sweet and EJ looked so comfortable and confident on the drums. If he made a mistake, I didn't hear it.
"He crushed it." Corey said, confirming my thoughts. I smiled the first genuine smile in three weeks. After testimonies and more singing from the adult choir, the revival ended.
Corey and I stayed seated in the pew as the church members greeted each other.
"I heard from Trevor. We've been emailing back and forth. He never responds to my questions about you, but he's in Wichita Falls. I think with his mom." Corey told me.
In that moment, I knew it was truly over between Trevor and me. He told me he wanted nothing to do with his mom because how she felt about me. A lot of things didn't add up but one thing was abundantly clear- he no longer wanted to be with me.
"I can get the address. Tell him I wanna send something to him. Then you can go see him-" I cut him off, shaking my head. There was no way I could face him or his mom.
Corey went over to speak to Dave, Megan's live in boyfriend, while I made my way over to Amber, Will and their kids. They looked picture perfect matching in Brown and white attire.
"You made it... in scrubs." Amber greeted me, giving me a glance over before hugging me.
"Yeah, I literally sped from work to get here." I said, before hugging the girls and scooping Robbie up for a hug.
"That's why I traded to get off." Amber said.
"Well, now that I got promoted to team lead, I won't have that option." I said, plastering on a smile.
"Lily, congratulations! We gotta celebrate!" Amber exclaimed.
The church cleared out and we were able to congratulate EJ on his performance outside the church. Ethan and Megan stood beside EJ looking like the poster board for blended families with Dave and Serena nearby. All his grandparents were in attendance and you could tell how proud they were. As happy as I was for EJ, it was hard to be around.
That's why I turned down Mrs. Carter invitation to go out for dinner. I wasn't in the mood to be around them. In the past, I would have gone and faked it just to be polite, but I was done with that. I went back to Rocky's house, determined to figure out my life without Trevor in it.
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