What Is Love

"Oh, I don't know, what can I do?
What else can I say, it's up to you
I know we're one, just me and you
I can't go on
What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, uh(x2)
What is love?(x3)
Baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Don't hurt me(x2)
I want no other, no other lover
This is our life, our time
We are together, I need you forever
Is it love?" What Is Love by Haddaway

After I got off the phone with Amber, I took 5 minutes to get my shit together. The last person I thought I would be seeing at EJ's birthday party was Rocky. How fucking awkward if their weren't even together. Especially after what Peyton told me the night before with Brandon calling Rocky a slut. The Rocky I was friend with wouldn't let a guy that called her out her name live to speak about it, much less hang out with him at his nephew's party.

That thought made me remember it was EJ's day. I know, I know; I've said and thought it before, but I meant it this time. When I approached the small splash park, I immediately saw everyone set up at two large tables under a pavilion.

I made my way over to them. I waved to Albert, Ethan's and Brandon's dad, who was talking to Megan and an older couple I guessed were her parents. My eyes settled on Rocky, Serena and Deborah, Ethan's and Brandon's mom, sitting at the end of a table. Amber was standing holding Robbie and she gave me a reassuring smile.  I took a deep breath and I greeted them.

"Hey everyone." I said, friendly, plastering a smile on my face.

Serena gave me a little wave before I sat EJ's birthday card on the table next to his pile of gifts.

"Hey Lily." Amber said, cheerfully as I gave her a hug, kissing Robbie on the cheek as I pulled away.

Deborah stood to give me a hug next.

"It's good to see you." I said, sincerely. It really was. She automatically put me at ease because she was always so sweet to me.

"It's good to be seen. I'm glad you could make it." She replied, smiling at me.

In a surprising move, Rocky flashed a quick smile at me too and gave me a hug as well. I didn't let it disarm me; I still had my guards up. I wasn't going to ignore her: that required effort. Effort meant I cared; I was trying not to. I didn't want to hate her; The opposite of love was indifference. Ethan taught me that. I didn't want her to matter to me at all. She stopped mattering when we stopped being friends.

"Where's the birthday boy?" I asked, looking around the Splash park, needing to get away from Rocky inquisitive stare. It would have been easier if she was hostile or cold. She was neither, and it was throwing me off.

"I see him. Let's go. I'm sure Robbie wants to splash around some more." Amber quickly cut in.

We then took off to find the birthday boy.

"So... that was weird." Amber started.

I nodded, but didn't comment. I didn't want to think about Rocky. I didn't want to care. I kept repeating it to myself as we walked away.

I focused on EJ. We found him stationed at a  huge water gun that pivot to shoot at people. I waved him over and he left to met me. I gave him a hug and told him happy birthday before I let him return to his friends.  I stood by Amber's side to watch Robbie play in the jumping waters.

"Are you ok? I mean, I can tell you weren't ok. Are you going to be ok because I can come up with an excuse for us to leave?" Amber said.

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I promise."

She looked at my worriedly but didn't say anything.

"Where's Ethan?" I asked her.

She pointed to a grassy area were BBQ grills were set up. I left her to say hello to him.

"I'm here to help." I greeted him with a smile and a hug.

"Will is doing the hotdogs on another grill. I think we got it." Ethan answered.

I inspected the hamburgers on the grill. "Those burgers are ready."

"Those burgers are raw." Ethan corrected me.

"Exactly. Perfect." I said.

"The kids are not going to eat raw burgers. Get a bun and you can have one, cooked specially for you." He offered.

"No way. I don't eat raw burgers. Gross." I stuck out my tongue.

"You didn't came over here to help, did you? He accused, with a little smile.

I laughed but didn't get a chance to respond before Serena joined us. She handed Ethan a water bottle before settling beside him. She watched me expectantly, and I cleared my throat. Something about her demeanour was uncomfortable.

"Lily, can you make sure Will has a tray for the hotdogs? I don't remember if I gave him one." He asked.

"Sure." I said, gratefully turning away to leave. I checked with Will. He was already putting hotdogs on one of the trays Ethan gave him. I took it from him and walked it back to the table.

Before I could reach the table, Jake stood up and took the tray from me.

"Thanks." I said, pushing my sunglasses to the top of my head.

"No problem. You wanna sneak one? I won't tell." He asked me, placing the food down.

"No. I can wait." I smirked.

"You sure? Looks like you're losing weight. Is Trevor feeding you?" He asked me.

"I've been feeding myself for decades now. Besides, maybe now that I lost some weight I can look like Jordan in a dress." I commented.

Jake laughed. "Are you talking about the black and white dress? I handpicked that dress for you. It doesn't look right on anyone else."

"Riiight...according to you it looks better." I stated.

"I was kidding."

"Um-hmm..."

"Seriously-" Jake started. He was cut off by Ethan announcing the food was ready and rounding up all the kids.

I helped Amber with her kids as we made them plates of food. After we got them settled at the kids table, I grabbed my plate and followed Amber to the empty side of the adult table to sit. I was eating my food peacefully when Rocky asked me from across the table where she was sitting with Brandon if I was going to Kaboom Town this year.

"No. I have to work on the third." I answered simply.

She frowned. "I didn't know you started a new job. How late do you work now?"

"6." I answered.

"Where are you working? You might be able to make it." Rocky continued. I kept a neutral look on my face.

"No, I'm in central Dallas now. I'd see fireworks sitting in traffic trying to get there."

"Is it another clinic?" Jake asked me

"Yeah, I work at the clinic for the Dallas Mavericks." I smiled, excitedly.

That got everyone's attention and they asked questions about players and tickets. I replied I signed a non-disclosure... and admitted I just went through training so I haven't interacted with any clients.

"Do they know you hate the Mavericks? Did you lie on that part of the interview?" Ethan asked as he sat down last with a plate a food.

"I don't! You made it a rival when it wasn't." I denied, remembering when we first met. One of the things we talked about was basketball: my love for the L.A. Lakers and his for the Mavericks. The year we met was 2 seasons after the Mavericks won the championship. They swept the Lakers in the first round. Ethan loved to rubbed that in my face when we watched the games together.

"Kinda hard to be a rival when Lakers aren't a threat to anyone." Jake commented.

"You shut up. They are rebuilding!" I exclaimed.

"For the past 5 years?" Will joined in.

"Yes! Its a process."I defended them.

"When our star players are out with injuries, guess we'll know why." Ethan said.

Before I could defend my professionalism, EJ came over and asked if we could cut the cake.

"Is everyone done eating?" Ethan asked.

"Almost." EJ answered.

"Go throw your trash away and we will in a minute." Ethan instructed him.

"You're working on the 3rd, what about the 4th?" Deborah asked me.

"I'm going out of town for the weekend."

"Where to?" Serena asked me, pleasantly.

"Austin." I answered, plainly. Brandon stiffened and Rocky started fidgeting with her finger. When I saw the engagement ring back on her hand, I felt a rage build inside me.

"You ok?" Jake asked me, with a confused look on his face. I nodded, trying to calm down.

"Lily, watch EJ." Ethan instructed me. I did. He was literally throwing his trash away. He got to his juice box and was a few feet away from the trash. Before he shot, Ethan said, "Kobe!"

I smiled. I called out the same thing every time I took a hard shot when we played basketball at Dave and Buster's.

The wind picked up the juice box so EJ missed. Everyone laughed.

"I'm leaving!" I announced, failing to hold back my laughter.

"What about your cake?" Ethan asked.

"I want a really big piece to put up with this abuse." I grinned.

After we ate, we sang happy birthday to EJ and cut the cake. After all the kids were served, Ethan gave me a huge corner piece first. I laughed but ended up sharing it with Amber. Ethan left to cut everyone else a piece. I felt eyes watching me. When I looked up, I saw that it was Serena.

"How's Rachel?" I asked, curiously. I hadn't heard anything from Blake since the original time I text him.

"Not great as you already know." Serena answered shortly.

She was wearing oversized sunglasses, so I couldn't read her facial expressions. Her tone was very brisk, like she was annoyed with me. Maybe she was tired of people asking her.

"I actually didn't know. The only thing I knew is she left him." I replied, neutrally willing to let it go.

"That's not something most women do lightheartedly." Serena countered, sarcastically.

Wow...I wanted to go off on how "heavy-hearted" Rachel must have been to leave Forrest on their fucking WEDDING DAY, but I let it go and focused on my cake.

EJ opened his presents next. He got gifts ranging from water guns, video games, clothes, and sports equipment. He opened up his card from me. It was five separate gift cards: Top Golf, Toys R Us, McDonald's, AMC, and Gamestop. $100 each.

When Ethan looked at me, I shrugged. "That's how they refund ponies now."

He just shook his head. EJ thanked everyone for his gifts and I got ready to leave with Amber. She had to work and I wanted to get out of there before anything happened. Between Serena's defense of Rachel and the fucking ring back on Rocky's finger, I no longer trusted myself.

"I heard y'all we're going out tonight?" Rocky asked me as we got ready to leave. I inwardly groaned. Stupid Facebook.

"Maybe. I'm kinda tired. It depends on how I feel." I replied.

"Call me and let me know." She said, giving me another hug.

Oh, so that's how we're gonna play it? Like nothing happened. Fuck that.

I wanted to tell her don't hold her fucking breath on that phone call... or do hold her breath until she passed out, but I bit my tongue. I reminded myself that I no longer cared.

"Cool." I commented, noncommittally before I headed towards EJ. Even though he was wet from jumping back into the water, I gave him a huge hug. I needed the water to cool off anyway.

I said my goodbyes to everyone and headed to my old apartment. I did one final clean up before my walk thru with the leasing manager on Monday. I called Trevor while I was cleaning. He was with Corey, playing video games. When I asked him what he planned to wear to the bar, he tried to get out of coming.

"Corey and I talked about playing Minecraft tonight." He said.

"Ahhh, I understand. You feel uncomfortable going to a gay bar, but your perfectly fine having an intimate night alone with Corey." I confronted him.

I heard them both start laughing, meaning he had me on speaker, meaning he hadn't even paused the game.

 "Alright. I'll pick you up, but I'm wearing what I have on." Trevor stated.

"Oh... the not trying to hard approach. Gay guys love that!" I teased before hanging up.

I took a long, hot shower and washed my hair. I left it down in loose waves. While I picked out my clothes, I definitely had Jake's comment about me losing weight on my mind. I picked out a pair of faux leather leggings and white crop cami that showed a sliver of my stomach.

I went to Trevor's side of the closet and pulled out one of his check shirts I was eying to get rid of. It was rainbow colored which wasn't shocking when you considered he had a button down in every color and pattern. It was ridiculous, but I was glad I didn't donation them quite yet. The rainbow one definitely came in handy as I tied the sleeves a little off-centered around my waist. It supported the cause and made my waist appear smaller. I did my eye make-up light with a shimmery taupe cream shadow, brown liner and extra coats of mascara. A pretty rose red lip finish my look.

I was so feeling myself as I looked in the mirror. I didn't get pulled into anyone's drama, I had a normally conversation with Jake and Ethan, I keep my composure the whole entire birthday party, and I adored my casual sexy look. I started a new job I was excited about, was in love and moved in with my boyfriend. I planned on having a great time to celebrate my accomplishments.

Corey was designated driver, so Trevor and I both got to drink at the bar. We were joined by Sammy, Corey, Lamar, Patrick, Sophia, Dino, her brother Dominick, Peyton, Chris, Becca and her best friend Mallory. Trevor eyed me worriedly when Becca came over briefly to say hello. I was so determined to have a good time, I didn't even acknowledge her presence. I drank my drink to keep myself occupied until she scurried off with Peyton to another table.

Patrick ordered everyone a round of shots. "To love... no matter who's it with! May it always prevail!"

We all cheered and took our shots. Sammy, Dino, Gigi, Jordan and I all hit the dance floor. We danced around to house music merrily. I scoped out Dominick dancing between Jordan and Sammy. He's a few inches taller than me, with tattoos, a great body and even better dance moves.

"Why does he need setting up with girls?" I yelled to Dino.

She rolled her eyes. "He doesn't. He won't settle down. That's the problem."

After a couple more songs, Dominick tried to dance on me, but I shut that down. I looked around to see where Sammy and Jordan went when Dino pulled me to her.

"Ok, there's a guy staring at us. I can't tell which one of us he's eying." She shouted.

"It's a gay bar!" I laughed.

"He's not gay. He's made eye contact with me like 3 times and stared at your ass."

"Well, he's all yours Dino. I have a man!" I reminded her.

"See if he makes eye contact with you. If he does, he's just playing his odds and I'm not interested in that."

"Are you looking for love in da club?" I sang, drunkenly.

"Just do it!" She snapped at me. I danced around her so we were facing the same direction. I hugged her from behind and laughed.

"Now he's gonna think you're my girlfriend." I said.

"Lily!"

I laughed again. "Alright. Where is he?"

"2 o'clock. Hispanic, tall, built, super sexy."

I looked to the right towards 2 o'clock. I froze. I didn't even find the sexy guy. My eyes clashed with Rocky's instead. She was hanging out with Peyton and Jackie at another table. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! I didn't wanna deal with this right now. I was way too drunk.

"I gotta go!" I told Dino before I bailed. I found our table at the oppisite side of the bar, out of sight from Rocky. Corey was talking to Sammy.

"Where's Trevor?" I asked.

"He just went to get Jordan water. She's a mess and not listening to us." Sammy rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Derek. What else?" Corey said, simply.

"Are y'all ready to go?" I asked, anxiously. I knew I was after seeing Rocky.

"Y'all don't have to leave, I can take her home." Corey offered.

"No, I'm ready." I said.

"Me too." Sammy agreed.

We found Jordan and Trevor at the bar. She was clinging to him like she couldn't stand up.

"I'm leaving him. I'm done! He doesn't love me!" Jordan declared.

"Sleep on it first, ok?" Trevor told her calmly as  we made our way out the bar. Derek didn't seem worried or concerned, just annoyed when we dropped off Jordan.

Before we went home, we stopped by Jack in the Box and had late night munchies meals I knew we would regret in the morning.

Thankfully, we bypassed the morning all together and woke up in the afternoon. I passed out in my clothes so Trevor got to appreciate my outfit again before taking it off of me. We were still lounging in bed when we heard a knock on the door. We played rock, paper, scissor to see who would answer it. I won, so Trevor had to get up. A few moments later, he returned.

"Lily, It's Rocky." He said.

My eyes widen. "Did you get rid of her?"

"No. I think y'all should talk." He said.

"I don't wanna talk." I said, stubbornly.

"Then listen." He said, not budging.

I glared at him but got up. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and made my way to the living room. Rocky was sitting on the couch, petting Justine. I sat across from her on the loveseat and Trevor sat between us on the couch.

"I owe you both an apology. I'm sorry for the way I've been behaving. " She started, humbly. "I said and did a lot of things I'm not proud of. The things I said about your relationship was unfair. I did want to talk to you both about buying a house together, but not like that. I'm sorry."

I stared at her and Trevor looked between us before replying.

"The thing I don't understand is why you continued to push us away. All we wanted to do was help you Rocky." Trevor said.

"I know. I needed some time to get my mind right. I made a lot of mistakes that I had to fix on my own. I've just- been trying to put my life back together." Rocky explained.

There was an awkward silence as I thought over what she said. I studied her as she watched me.

"Is your life back together? I see your not wearing your ring." I finally said, bluntly.

She looked down at her hand. "We're still working things out, but this isn't about him. This is about our friendship."

I shook my head. "We don't have a friendship anymore Rocky."

"How do I fix that?" Rocky asked.

"You don't. You can't. Friendship is about trust and mutual

respect and I have neither for you now."

"Lily-" Trevor started. I turned to him, my facial expression telling him to shut the hell up. He wanted us to talk, that's what he was getting. When he was silent, I continued.

"I told you how afraid I was of being alone. You used that: not only by saying our relationship was going to fail but by cutting me off. I understand making mistakes. I understand needing time to work through them. What I don't understand is how you could do that to me."

Tears formed in her eyes. "I know. I'm sorry. I was hurt and embarrassed and I lashed out at you. I promise I will never do that again."

"No, you won't." I agreed. " I accept your apology but I don't want to be friends. I don't want people in my life that will intentionally hurt me. I deserve better. I wish you the best."

Tears streamed from her eyes but she nodded and headed to the door. Trevor looked at me, in disbelief.  After a brief stare down, he got up and followed Rocky. Only then did I let my emotions show. I made my way to the bathroom. It was the only room in the apartment that locked. I locked the door and sat down and cried. I probably would have went to my old apartment to be alone but I didn't want Trevor or Rocky to see me crying. I didn't regret anything I said. I meant ever word. That didn't mean I didn't still have love for Rocky. I wasn't indifferent. It still hurt.

When I heard Trevor come back into the apartment, I turned on the shower. Right after I did, the doorknob jiggled. I thought I was saved until a few moments later, the doorknob jiggled some more. I heard the lock click before the door opened.

I looked up briefly to see Trevor standing with a laminated card. I hid my tear stain face from him as he gathered me in his arms.

"I love you Lily." He said, stroking my hair and holding my close.

I couldn't help questioning what that meant as I cried.


***This week will be the last week of posts before my vacay with my family. I seriously doubt I can stay away from blogging and plan to get some writing time, but I will be taking a two week break from regular posting. As always, thank you for reading and commenting! Happy 4th of July weekend! Stay safe and have fun!