Twisted (Forrest's POV)

"But I gotta be strong
Did me wrong
When I thought we were really down
So you say you want me
Make up your mind 
Cuz I'm not gonna be here for long
Baby, baby in time
Baby I know you'll find
That what you needed was here
Think about it my dear
You know you are my lover
You got me twisted over you
I know I got what you need
So what you wanna do?" Twisted by Keith Sweat 


***Forrest's Perspective***


The non-stop beating on my apartment door is what finally made me get off the couch- I've been sitting there all damn day. The TV on ESPN was just background noise- I had no idea what was playing. A pizza box, chips, Almond Joy candy wrappers, a bottle of Wild Turkey, beers, and a package of cigarettes littered the coffee table. My place was in no condition to have anyone over. I was in no condition to have anyone over.

The week before, every time there was a knock on the door or a call on my phone, I would race to answer it, thinking it might be Rachel. After I chased Rachel to Florida, I realized she wasn't coming back.  I've been in a funk every since. The banging continued, this time with Blake's voice booming over the knocks.

"C'mon man. I saw your 4runner. Open the door!" He yelled.

I hurried up and got my ass off the couch to open the door before my neighbor heard. She could hear a rat piss on cotton. The only reason she no longer gave me dirty looks was I always helped her with her shopping bags and informed her when I was having people over. I didn't need her poking her head out. Then I would have to explain why I was still here, even though I told her I was moving out after I got married...

Shaking my head as if it would rid me of all thoughts of that humiliating shitty day, I looked down at my t-shirt and shorts, trying to remember the last time I changed.

"Oh well, I just have to get rid of Blake" I thought to myself as I opened the door. Blake pushed passed me, making his way into my apartment.

"I didn't invite you in." I grunted, closing the door.

"I told you I was coming over if you didn't answer your phone. You brought this on yourself." Blake replied, before his face twisted up. "It stinks in here. Like cigarettes, stale ass and Cheetos-"

I ignored him and walked towards my room. I retrieved the phone I tossed in there earlier after I ordered a pizza. That was the only contact I wanted with anyone right now: ordering and delivering food. I looked through the missed calls and text.

Blake, Damien, Tommy, Carmichael, my half sister Eliza, my mom, and surprisingly, my father. I read through Blake's text, ignoring everyone else.

Blake: Answer your phone or I'm coming over.

When I returned back in the living room, Blake was trashing everything on my table.

"Hold up-" I snarled, rushing over to save my companions: Cigarettes, food and alcohol.

"Hold up some shit. This is foul. I get being depressed, but this is too much."

I was able to save my Wild Turkey, beer, cigarettes and Funyons and plopped back on the couch. I lit up my cigarette and took a deep drag.

"How are you a health teacher, but you're back smoking?" Blake commented.

"I'll quit again before school starts." I exhaled, letting the nicotine do its thing. Blake was right- I kicked the habit back in college when I first started dating Rachel. She detested smokers. I was willing to do anything just to have a chance with her back then.

Who am I kidding? I still would...

"How you doing?" Blake asked, interrupting my nagging thoughts and tossing the trash bag aside.

A throbbing pain return to my head and I took another puff of my cigarette. I wished everyone would stop asking me that. That was the opening line since Rachel crushed my heart and future in front of almost 200 of our nearest and dearest. Immediately after she left me, I convinced myself she just had cold feet. The week before our wedding I felt nothing but stress, anxiety and nerves. I thought the stress of the day was too much for her and that's why she ran.

 I found out in Florida I was wrong. As soon as her dad let it slip she was at their Florida home, I took the next flight out. I told Rachel we didn't need a big wedding. We could find a justice of the peace and start our life together. I felt like shit when she turned me down. Really, I felt less than shit- I felt like nothing.

That's how I was doing. I was embarrassed humiliated, hurt and pissed the fuck off. Worst than that, I was rejected. What did I do now that the woman I built my future around left me? After I did everything I could possible do to make her happy, it still wasn't enough. What was I supposed to say?

"Great." I grumbled, grabbing my bourbon. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to be numb. The alcohol had been working it's magic on me for the last week. I drank a swig of straight from the bottle and swallowed it down with the remainder of a beer.

"Since you're doing so great, come hang with your boys. Stop drinking alone like a sad little bitch." Blake said, taking the bottle from me.

"I am a sad little bitch." I replied, grabbing the bottle back.

"No, you dodged the bitch-" Blake started.

"Don't call her that." I cut him off, sharply.

"Fine. Rachel-"

Pain sliced through me like a knife. "Don't say her name either." I took another swig of Wild Turkey.

"Ok... I'm just worried about you, that's all. I get that you need time, but I'm here for you man. Don't bottle all this shit up and try to drink it away. It don't work like that." Blake said, sincerely.

"Are you gonna kiss me? Cause I'm not into the broke back mountain stuff." I joked, lightly, but put the bottle down.

"Ha ha. I'm not into you being a bitch. I don't know which bitch version of you is worst- depressive my life is over or the castrated about to get married bitch. Now that she's gone, I want the old Forrest back." Blake remarked.

I replayed his words. Yeah, I knew I needed to break out of my funk, but it's been 2 weeks since she gave me the dreaded, it's me, not you spiel. The first week I rarely left my bed- At least now I was in a vertical position. I deserved to be miserable for awhile but was I really a bitch leading up to our failed nuptials?

I had to admit, the months leading up to wedding, I changed. I went along with anything she wanted regarding the last minute details on the wedding. The wedding stop being what I wanted a long time ago and I didn't want to stress her anymore. When she complained about the way I ate, I went on a diet with her. When her dad questioned why we would buy another house if she wanted to keep the house she grew up in, I told her we can live in her house. I no longer hung out with my friends because every second was spent catering to her.

They weren't permanent changes. After we got back from our honeymoon, things were going to return to normal. I would hang with my friends again. I was still looking at houses located between our jobs. The commute to my job from Ft. Worth was brutal. Before the next school year, we would be in our own house even if she wanted to keep her house. The diet was ending at the reception-well, officially ending. I cheated all the time when Rachel wasn't around. I figured we could have the wedding we wanted in the form of a vow renewal on our 10, 25 or 50th anniversary. Every change I made was to make things as easy as possible for her. Now I was left wondering if she didn't like those changes. Maybe that's why she had a change of heart...

"-You need to get your balls back and man up. She's done- you have no other choice but to move on." Blake continued on.

"Alright." I muttered, straighten up.

"I am?" Blake said, surprised. "I am!" He repeated, this time more confidently.

He was right. Rachel wasn't coming back to this version of me. I had to be the guy she wanted to marry- not the mopey or pushover guy I turned into. That's what she meant when she said she didn't want this life. No wonder she ran. She coulda just talked to me, but at least I got it now.

"So we're going out tonight?" Blake said, excitedly.

"No man, not tonight." I replied.

"What? You just agreed with me." Blake said, disappointed.

"I gotta handle some business first." I told him, standing up to usher him out.

"Like what?" He said, skeptically.

"Clean up, haircut, laundry. Basically, return back to the land of the living. Then we can go out." I said.

"You're right. Take about 3 showers. Maybe a bath with some bleach too." Blake laughed on his way out.

"Thanks for the pep talk." I said, dryly.

"Anytime."



I didn't go out with Blake, but I did spend the week as Blake put it, getting my balls back. Rachel's parents took care of all of the after wedding stuff like sending gifts back so I focused on myself. I cleaned up my apartment and myself, slowed down on all the take out and booze, threw out my last pack of cigarettes and got out of the apartment. I rejoined the flag football league that consisted of coaches from the school district, helped with the mud run by getting people registered, and started looking at houses.

It still hurt when I thought about Rachel, but I let it motivate me to be the guy she wanted to marry. By the end of the week, I agreed to drop by Gabriel's 4th of July bash. It felt unpatriotic not to go out and do something, and Blake threatened to bring the post party to my apartment if I didn't come out.

I studied myself in the mirror as I got ready to head to Gabriel's place. I examined my hair cut. Instead of getting my head shaved, I had a short fade. I started shaving my head when Tommy's father was going through chemotherapy. When I reconnected with Rachel at a Memorial Day BBQ, she told me how flattering it looked and made fun that I had more hair on my face than my head. Gone was the baby face I started sporting as a result of that comment. My mustache and beard were trimmed too. I liked my look a lot more now. I was never fond of the bald, newborn baby look even though Rachel preferred it.

I wore a Texas Ranger shirt and cargo khaki shorts. In the last few weeks, it felt like I put on the pounds I lost when I was dieting with Rachel. At 6'2, I was comfortable in the athletic, 250 pound range. I didn't have a cut body; I loved beer too much. If the trade off for abs was kale salad and no beer, I would never have them and I was fine with that. Rachel wanted me to eat better, but she never had a problem with my size. We were the perfect fit-

I stopped the thought of how her body felt beneath mine before my mind went to a place I didn't need to go. I gave myself one finally glance over before I left.

I drove to Gabriel's house, planning how long I would have to stay so I wouldn't look pathetic. A part of me was dreading having to face my friends. I didn't want the sympathy or pity or the dreaded "How are you doing?" or "What happened?" conversations. I thought about riding with Blake, but I didn't wanna be trapped there if I wanted to leave.

I parked and made my way to the backyard. Blake must have been watching and waiting for me to show up, because he made a big scene.

"There's my boy! Single for the first time in years ladies! Let's celebrate his freedom tonight!!!" He yelled with a goofy grin.

I burned with embarrassment as everyone cheered. That was one way to address the elephant in the room. The rest of my friends were cool. A few of them did ask me how I was doing, but they were fine with my generic answers and didn't press for more information. They were all understanding of my grieving, which made me feel like a dick for cutting them off.

I nursed a few beers, staying away from hard alcohol and ate the finger food. It was more picnic food than BBQ and I barely had an opportunity to eat because Blake kept bringing girls in my face.

I wasn't in the right mindset to entertain girls. I was still faithful to Rachel. I couldn't even think of hooking up with another girl when she was the only one I wanted. The flirty girls with their pointless conversations, pounds of make-up and clouds of perfume just made me miss Rachel more. Since I couldn't drink to forget, I politely excused myself from Blake and any girls he tried to set me up with.

I ran into Gabriel in the kitchen as I made another escape. I asked him how things were going and he sighed.

"We're hanging in there. Losing Rachel came out if nowhere and everyone is scrambling-"

"Losing Rachel?" I asked, stunned. "She's not on leave?"

Gabriel mouth set in a grim line. "No. She resigned. I'm sorry, I assumed you knew."

"It's cool. Excuse me." I said, going back outside. I grabbed another beer, not sure what that meant. Was she moving to Florida? She wasn't coming back?

The fireworks started and we looked out to the sky. There were at least 3 different shows going on so we had our pick. After my beer, curiosity got the best of me and I did what I avoided since Rachel left me: I got on Facebook.

I didn't want to see messages, posts or writings on my wall. I didn't want to hear about other's people problems or happiness. I had no patience for Facebook politics and other pointless nonsense. I couldn't handle updating my relationship status. Most of all, I didn't want to be stuck refreshing Rachel's page all day, to get a glimpse of what she was up to. Now, I couldn't help myself.

I went on her page and was disappointed to see no status change or update. I didn't look like she had been on Facebook either. I ignored my messages and started going through my feed. It was a long shot, but one of our mutual friends might have mentioned her...

I stopped on a nice picture of Lily and her boyfriend Trevor. That was another change I made that I planned to talk to Rachel about after the wedding. When Rachel told me she was no longer comfortable with me and Lily's friendship, I stopped talking to Lily. Partially to respect Rachel's wishes, but because I felt guilty too.

When Rachel first met Lily, I knew she was jealous. She played it off, but I knew. It felt good to spark that jealous in Rachel. She was never jealous of other women before and I enjoyed it. It was harmless because I was never attracted to Lily like that, but I didn't tell Rachel that. I messed up our friendship because I wanted my ego stroked. I was glad to see her relationship with Trevor was still going strong even though mine was nonexistent at the moment.

Blake sat beside me with no women this time and peaked over at my phone. He gave me a grin. "Can I text Lily? Let her know you're up and about?"

When Blake told me Lily reached out to him, I told him exactly what to say to her. At the time, I still believed it was just cold feet, and I still couldn't have Lily around. Thankfully, Lily got the hint. Now, I wasn't sure what to do. I missed her and our friendship, but I still had to think about Rachel.

"No. I'll talk to her when I'm ready. You know she has a boyfriend; lose her number and that creepy grin." I scolded Blake.

"I will as soon as you come out with me. I need a wingman. Now that you're back on the field, we can go hunting together. " Blake laughed.

I was ready to move forward, but not with anyone else. That would be like saying Rachel and I were over, and that wasn't happening. The thought of dating again made me wince.  No matter how I grew into my looks, there was still that chubby, shy loser who was terrified of girls. Everything about girls was intimidating and the fear of rejection made me stay away until they flocked to me when I played football in high school.

By the time I got to college, I leaned on my looks and football to get girls. Rachel was unimpressed by both. She was old-school and wanted to be pursued and wooed, so that's what I did. She made me work hard for every smile, date, and kiss, but it was well worth it. We stayed together throughout our undergraduate years, but broke up because I wasn't ready to commit to a long distance relationship.

When I moved back to Fort Worth, I was ready to settle down. When I reconnected with Rachel, I couldn't believe I let her go. I loved her just as much as I did in college. She made us date to get her to love me again, but she did and after a year, she agreed to marry me. I didn't want to start all over with someone new.

"I'll be your wingman, but that's it." I compromised with Blake.

"Works for me."

I followed Blake around and we chatted with girls. I really needed something stronger than beer to continue to make mindless conversations about nothing while Blake collected numbers. When he made his choice for the night, I pulled out my phone. I wanted my friend back that I could talk without it feeling like work.

Me: Happy Independence Day Lily

I was climbing in my car after saying goodbye to everyone when my phone beeped.

LaLa: Happy 4th of July homie! Who's cooking out?

Something that vaguely reminded me of a smile tugged at my lips.

Me: I'm at Gabriel's party. There's more booze than food :-)

LaLa: I feel you. I went to a festival. The closest I got to BBQ was a turkey leg. I need a rib. Stat.

A smile made a comeback on my face. It felt good after a few weeks. Probably more than that if I included the weeks before the wedding. All of my smiles were forced back then.

Me: I heard of a good BBQ place. Let me know if you wanna check it out sometime.

LaLa: I would love that. Let's set it up for next week.

Me: Let me know what day is best for you.

I put my phone away and drove home. It felt like I was getting my life back, one step at a time. I wanted Rachel back too but I wasn't going to do anything more than show her the man I am and the life we could have together. Whether she wanted that would be up to her.