MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
"Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, that's true
But I can dream
And in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you"- Merry Christmas Darling (The Carpenters Version
I spent the morning of Christmas Eve working out the final arrangement for flying with Justine. I could tell it was going to be a pain, but there was no way I was spending Christmas without her. Once I figured that out, I packed our bags. I was barely able to keep it all carry ons.
After I finished, I took a shower, washed and dried my hair, then got dressed. I kept it simple in a white sweater, jeans, and my snowflake jewelry. I stopped by Starbucks on my way to Megan's house. I dropped off EJ's gift with her and Dave. I just missed EJ, he left with Megan's parents to go to the movies. I wished them a merry Christmas and headed to Amber's house.
"Hey girl! Merry Christmas!" Amber greeted me. She was already covered in flour and was wearing an elf apron.
"Hey, Merry Christmas." I grinned, carrying in the presents. I got the girls princess dress up costumes, Robbie a play laptop and Wipe Out XBox game for them to share. I got Amber gift cards to the movie theater and the Cheesecake factory and a promise to babysit when she wanted to use them. I looked around the room, contemplating where to put it.
"Or happy holidays, I guess. Still a little confused how it works over here." I added.
Amber rolled her eyes. "We don't put up a tree, nor do we teach the kids this was when Jesus was born. We just say it's a day of giving and family." Amber explained.
Will's mom was a Jehovah's Witness. He stopped practicing after his mother refused an organ transplant that could have saved her life due to religious beliefs. While he didn't go to church, he still held on to the beliefs he was raised with. Don't ask me how that works; I have no desire to get into Will's head.
"Hey girls." I smiled at them as they came out their room. "Where's your brother?" I asked them as I gave them both a hug.
"Sleep!" They answered, simultaneously.
"Still?" I asked.
"No, they've been up since 6. Still on school time." Amber answered. "Come on girls, if you wanna help with the cookies."
I joined them and helped roll out sugar cookie dough. The girls cut out gingerbread men, stars, snowmen, and hearts. I helped them wash up as the cookies baked and Amber cleaned the kitchen. By the time I came back with Krista and April, Robbie was awake and Amber had frosting and sprinkles sitting out.
We decorated all the cookies and loaded up half of them to take to her work. We stopped at McDonald's for lunch first. Amber worked at a retirement home and made cookies to take up there. It was so adorable watching the kids interact with her co-workers and patients.
"We're going miss y'all so much here next year!" Her boss Joyce said, giving Amber a hug.
"I have to pass the RN certification first. Don't jinx me." Amber smiled.
"You're going be great. Have you thought about where you wanna work?" Fallon, a co-worker asked her.
They talked about her options and working around Will's schedule when I got a text from my brother.
Cam: Are you spending the night over here?
Me: If I can bring Justine...
Cam: ok, y'all can share the couch.
Me: Lol. Ok. Be over there later.
After hanging out at her work for a little bit, we went back to her house. Will's car was out front, so after I helped her with the kids, I gave them all a hug and left.
I went to my apartment and picked up Justine and my bags before I headed to my brother's place. Jeanna and Cam were already there. They were eating pizza and debating over which movie to watch: Christmas Carol or A Christmas Story.
"Tie breaker: Home Alone." I said, sitting on the couch and grabbing a slice of pizza.
Home Alone was one of my favorite Christmas movies. The first time I saw it was with Trevor. I wasn't a big movie person until I met him. The only thing worse than going to the movies alone was going with my dad or pity outings with my brother. I had no TV in my room growing up, so I was more into music and hiding out in my room.
When Trevor would reference movies, I had no idea what he was talking about. He corrected that, one movie at a time. Those movie nights were the highlight of my weeks in college. There was something so special about him sharing his favorite movies with me. Most of my all-nighters consisted of leaning in close to Trevor, watching his favorite movies on a portable DVD player. It was the sweetest torture. It was the most intimate experience to me, but meant nothing to him.
"Lily, do you want a drink?" Jenna asked me, breaking me out of my thoughts. She grabbed the glasses off the table and headed to the kitchen.
"No." I answered. I looked around the living room. Two glasses, movies, they even had a blanket on the couch with the fireplace going. I felt my face heat up.
"Guys, I'm totally the third wheel here. I'm gonna go and I'll come back later tonight." I said.
Cam just studied me. "We're just watching movies. If I didn't want you here, I wouldn't have asked."
I blushed harder at my misinterpretation of the evening.
"What he meant to say is that we would love it if you stayed. We want to spend time with you." Jenna returned, with a glass for me and another pizza. "We even ordered your favorite pizza."
I gave Jenna a grateful smile. "If you insist."
I sat back and watched the movie. I took a deep breath and relaxed. I tried to push away my nerves about Trevor reading the letter I wrote him, but now it was making me over think things. Or maybe I was just missing Trevor. Before my anger masked how much I was going to miss him. I was feeling it now. I wish I was with him watching corny Christmas movies. Regardless, our future was entirely in his court. After he read the letter. Urgh, I was full of dread and anticipation for Christmas.
I ended up watching all three movies before I finally crashed on the couch.
***Merry Christmas Darling Outro posting soon.***
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
We Need A Little Christmas
"For I've grown a little leaner
Grown a little colder
Grown a little sadder
Grown a little older
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder
Need a little Christmas now
For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter
And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after
Need a little Christmas now" We Need A Little Christmas
***All of the events happen today, so it will be a little ahead of real time.***
By the time Tuesday came around, I was feeling a lot better about my decision. That morning, I started delivering presents to my friends. I wore the men's Christmas cardigan I found at the mall. It was a size medium, and a little big around my arms, but I pushed up the sleeves and paired it with leggings, hopefully pulling off the boyfriend sweater vibe. I did my makeup light and pushed my hair back with a silver snowflake headband. It paired nicely with the snowflake necklace and earrings Ethan got me.
I felt guilty I never reached out to thank Ethan, so his job was the first stop of the day. After the receptionist pointed me in the right direction, I walked to his office. I paused at the empty work area. I was about to turn around when I heard my name called.
I looked past the empty desk and saw Ethan step out of what had to be his office. He was watching me with a look that was both surprised and curious.
"Hey... you made partner and lost your personal receptionist?" I said, walking his way.
"I have an assistant now, who's on vacation." Ethan answered, leading me into his office. "Have a seat." He said. I took a seat on his couch. He joined me on the opposite end.
"Merry Christmas," I said, handing him the small, wrapped box." and thank you. I know it's a little late, but I love my jewelry." I said, playing with a snowflake earring.
"You're welcome. It looks good on you." Ethan said.
"You have great taste." I remarked.
He lifted the gift in his hand. "I'm sorry; I didn't get you anything for Christmas. I heard how well you received my last gift."
"It wasn't the gift." I smiled, embarrassed. I didn't want to think about all my stupid actions that night. "I'm glad I didn't mess up the box. The quote was my favorite part."
"That's good to know. I spent more time finding that than the gift."
"Really?" I said, surprised.
"Yes. I didn't want to apologize again and bring up-" He paused and frowned.
"Everything again. It just reminded me of you and how you said I had tunnel vision. I didn't see it as a bad thing until recently."
"It's not necessarily a bad thing. I loved the quote because I focus on the past and everything that went wrong. I'm learning to learn from it instead of being afraid all the time." I confessed.
"I'm trying to live more in the present too." Ethan nodded.
"Well good. Your gift will remind you of that." I smiled. I got him a set of cuff links, including a pair of snowflake shaped one. I knew he probably would never wear them, but that was fine as long as he had them.
"I know I said I wasn't going to apologize, but I need to. The thought passed my mind, after the last time, at EJ's birthday party, that we could have-" Ethan stopped, trying to find the right words.
Seeing Ethan fumble with his words was a first for me. I would have smiled if I don't know what he was alluding to.
"Conceived? Made a baby? Knocked me up?" I joked, nervously. He tensed, and I instantly regretted my stupid habit of making jokes when I was uncomfortable.
"Yes." He finally answered. "I just knew you would come to me."
"Ethan, I didn't know until-"
"I know, but even if you did, you are right. After the way I treated you, I shouldn't have assumed anything." Ethan took a break and rubbed his temples. "It took everything to make me realize how self-centered I am."
"Once again, not always a bad thing." I commented.
"It was in this case. My first thought, when I found out, was why didn't you tell me? How could you not tell me? That's why it was easy to assume the worst. I was hurt when you moved, so I cut you off. It never once occurred to me you were hurting too. I'm sorry, but more importantly, I'm working on it."
"Apology accepted." I said, simply.
"We're ok?" He asked, skeptically.
"As ok as we'll ever be. I think it'll always be a little awkward between us, but I accept that." I said truthfully. "I just know how it feels to need forgiveness. And quite frankly, I don't like being mad at you. Call it a Christmas miracle!" I finished, with a grin.
"Let's make it year round. We have this pattern of misunderstandings and arguing. Maybe we can try talking about our issues out first." Ethan suggested.
"Fine. New year's resolution." I agreed.
Ethan walked me out and I left, wishing him a Merry Christmas. I already felt so much better. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be angry with him. It was exhausting. It was good to let it go.
Speaking of letting it go, I went to Jake's work next. I left his present with one of his guards at the security desk. I knew he was still upset with me. He had every right to be. I left him a note attached to his customized car mats. They were forest green with his initials in the middle with Galaviz in cursive across the bottom. The note read:
My last stop was Fort Worth, I was seeing my work friends at a BBQ restaurant in Dallas later in the afternoon. They were all getting random things I bought through EJ's fundraiser. I was dropping off EJ's keyboard on Christmas Eve and I was hanging out with Amber's family that night so they would be getting their gifts then. The only people I had to worry about catching were Lamar and Patrick. They were both getting cologne sets.
I drove to Rachel's job, hoping I would catch her. I wasn't sure what her schedule looked like, but I wanted to see her face to face. I was in luck; the receptionist told me to wait in the lobby. 5 minutes later, Rachel emerged.
"Lily, what brings you here?" Rachel greeted me, coolly.
"Merry Christmas." I told her, holding out her and Forrest gift. It was an aroma therapy set and matching robes.
"Thanks." Rachel said, with a bright smile. I have seen that smile before. It was her grin and bear it, pageantry fake smile.
"I'm not going to stay long. I just wanted to drop that off and tell you again how sorry I am. Have a Merry Christmas." I said, before turning to walk away. I wasn't going to press it. I was taking Forrest's advice and let her come to me when she was ready.
"Lily?" She stopped me.
I turned back around.
"I have friends in town for the holidays. We're getting together for happy hour. You should join us." Rachel invited me.
I smiled. "Sure, what time?"
After I got the details from her, she smiled at me. It was genuine this time. "Cute sweater. We're dressing up too. You should wear that tonight!"
"Will do!"
I was waiting for the elevator when I saw Gabriel from the corner of my eye. I willed the elevator to hurry up. I was contemplating taking the stairs when Gabriel approached me.
"Lily. Happy holidays." He greeted me.
"I celebrate Christmas, so Merry Christmas." I said, lightly, trying to hide my embarrassment.
"I see that." He smiled, looking me over from the top of my headband to the points of my booties.
I blushed.
I figured he would see my Facebook, observe I wasn't some drunken party girl, and move on to an easier target. I wasn't sure what he wanted from me, but I wasn't interested. Thankfully, the elevator arrived. I gave Gabriel a little wave before stepping on the elevator. To my dismay, he stepped on it with me.
"Lunch." He said, pressing the 1st floor button.
"Cool." I said, nodding.
"Wanna join me?" He asked.
"Look, I'm sorry for my behavior. I drank too much and turned into that drunk girl that I hate. I'm not like that so you're really wasting your time." I informed him, sharply.
"Wasting my time by seeing if you want something to eat?" He asked, cocking his head at me.
"We both know that's not what you're asking." I accused.
"I thought that was what I asked."
"Sure," I scoffed. "And you and those two girls were just making a snack in the kitchen on Halloween."
He didn't say anything as the elevator descended. When the doors opened to the lobby, he let me out first.
I walked out as fast as I could without looking suspicious. Gabriel kept up with me. When we got to the door, he stopped me.
"So was that a yes or a no on lunch?" He asked.
"Did you not just hear me?" I asked, exasperated.
"I heard you ask me not to judge you, and then right after that you judged me, but no answer on lunch." He answered, matter of factly.
I blushed again. "You're right. Sorry."
"That's ok. I'll even let you pay for lunch." He smiled.
"I can't. I'm busy and judgments aside, I don't know you well enough to know if I wanna have lunch with you." I said, before I left.
When I got back to Dallas, I actually had time to kill before our holiday luncheon at work. The clinic was closed Wednesday to Friday. The luncheon was set for 3pm. I took Justine for a walk before going home and freshening up. I dropped off Lamar and Patrick's gifts with Lamar before leaving for the luncheon.
Jordan and the other nurses were already there. The clinic rented out the restaurant for the afternoon. The smell of smoked meat made my stomach growl. I brought in the presents for my coworkers before I dragged Jordan outside so could give her her gift. It was a huge variety set of Keurig Coffee and a his and her mug set. Jordan told me how much she loved Derek's Keurig that his mom got for him. I figured the his and her mugs would be a nice little hint to Derek to make things official with Jordan.
"I have yours inside." Jordan exclaimed, taking the gift and putting it in my car.
"I didn't wanna be rude. I didn't get all the nurses something."
"So? I didn't get all the physical therapists something." Jordan confessed. I laughed at her.
At 3, not everyone had made it from the clinic, but the ones who had started to eat. We went through the buffet line of brisket, turkey, beans, cole slaw, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, greens beans and salad. Jordan and I sat down with Q and a few nurses.
"Doesn't feel very festive without booze." Q commented.
"I know. I blame Cathleen." Jordan said.
They all started laughing.
"Who's Cathleen?" I asked, between bites of Texas toast. They explained how the Christmas luncheon used to be dinner for families too, including an open bar. Until Cathleen, a former nurse, got drunk and revealed an affair she was having with Steven, leading to his divorce.
"Wow. I never knew." I shook my head.
"Yep, that's why I found it hilarious when he told Heather when he overheard us talking about you and Forrest." Jordan said.
"When did that happen?" I said, confused.
"In the locker room when you told me you were hooking up with Jake. He just heard the part about me asking about you and Forrest." Jordan explained.
"Speaking of, Rachel called a truce. She invited me to a happy hour, wanna come with me?" I asked.
Jordan looked down at her tacky Christmas sweaters. "Not like this!"
"Her friends are dressing like that too." I reassured her.
She agreed and we chatted while the other staff joined us. When all the physical therapist arrived, I handed out the gifts.
"Awww, I feel bad. I didn't know we were exchanging gifts. I just thought we were getting Sandra something." Heather frowned.
"Don't. The only reason y'all got gifts was because my friend's kid had a fundraiser." I joked.
"Amber?" Q asked me, quickly.
I looked at him, questioningly.
"She has three kids right?" He shrugged.
"Yes, but it wasn't one of her kids." I responded.
After we ate, we presented Sandra her gift. We all chipped in to buy her ICE! at Gaylord Texas Resort featuring Frosty tickets for her and her kids. She was very thankful and gifted us with Christmas cards with Starbucks gift cards. We made a pact if any of us won the golden Starbucks card, we would share! After a couple hours of socializing and eating dessert, Jordan and I headed to Fort Worth. We dropped off her car at her apartment so I was designated driver.
I was surprised when we pulled up to a hole in the wall bar. I was even more surprise to see it was karaoke night. It did not seem like Rachel's type of bar at all.
The surprises kept on coming when I saw Rachel and her friends. Their "dressing up" was matching red Santa hats. Other than that, they looked ready for a night out on the town. Jordan shot me an evil glare. I looked apologetically at her.
Rachel saw me and smiled broadly.
"Everyone, this is Lily!" Rachel introduced.
"Hi everyone." I said, waving. Everyone was polite, but eyed me curiously. I knew I was in for it when Serena smiled at me, sincerely. Normally, she regarded me with barely contained contempt, if she acknowledged me at all. I expected for the girls to start singing "Jingle Bell Rock", mean girl style.
Instead, they got wasted. Her friends were so rowdy and wild, I kinda loved it. Rachel was a completely different person, open and laughing and silly. They were reminiscing about their college days when karaoke started.
"Alright Lily, what song are you doing?" Rachel called to me.
"I'm not." I shook my head. Public singing was on the top of my list of fears. That, rats and aliens.
"But you love karaoke. At least you did on your birthday." Rachel grinned.
"What happen on her birthday?" Crystal, Rachel's sorority sister, asked.
"Nothing worth repeating." I blushed.
"It won't be repeated if you perform! I'll forget all about it." Rachel laughed.
"Really Rachel?" I moaned.
"Yep. I think it'll make us even." She grinned.
I took a deep breath.
I decided if this was she needed to make amends, I would do it. Besides her and Jordan and maybe Serena, I didn't have to see any of these people again. Why let them have that power of me? Giving a lap dance was so much more embarrassing, even if I couldn't remember it! So fuck it!
I went to the front and request the most ambitious Christmas song I could think of: Mariah Carey. Not even she could sing this song anymore, if the internet could be believed.
I got up and sang a pitchy, off key rendition of "All I Want for Christmas is You". What I lacked in vocal talent, I made up for in enthusiasm and dance moves. I got both cheers and jeers from the crowd. At the end of my performance, the only reaction I cared about was Rachel's. She was giving me a standing ovation.
"Are we friends now?" I asked her as she hugged me. When she nodded, I clarified.
"Real friends? Not just tolerating me or whatever you've been doing?"
"Lily, after you did that for me, we are best friends, I promise!" She beamed at me.
"We better be... because Mariah has a lot of songs, I can get back up there..." I threatened.
"No! That will ruin our friendship." Rachel laughed. I laughed too.
I did end up going back up there with Jordan, Serena, Rachel and another one of Rachel's friends. We did "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Merry Christmas", N'Sync style. I had a blast with them. When I got home, I thought about how the whole day was a success.
Ethan and I were ok again. Rachel and I were better than ever. Jake didn't reach out to me, but that was fine. I just hoped he believed what I wrote. I meant every word. I felt anxiety hit me as I thought about Trevor and what he would think of the note I wrote him.
I knew he wouldn't open it until Christmas. We started the tradition of never opening the gift until Christmas day in college. We exchanged gifts right before we went our separate ways on winter break. I knew he upheld the tradition just like I did.
I was nervous that maybe he did open the card. Then I was worried that he did open it, but didn't want to respond. Urgh, it was maddening, but ultimately out of my control. I had to stop worrying about things I couldn't control. I conquered my fear and let him know exactly what I felt. That was a success, no matter how he responded.
I sighed and laid down in bed. Moments later, Justine joined me. When I went to sleep, I was content. I felt like things were looking up.
All it took was a little Christmas to finally get me headed in the right direction.
Grown a little colder
Grown a little sadder
Grown a little older
And I need a little angel
Sitting on my shoulder
Need a little Christmas now
For we need a little music
Need a little laughter
Need a little singing
Ringing through the rafter
And we need a little snappy
Happy ever after
Need a little Christmas now" We Need A Little Christmas
***All of the events happen today, so it will be a little ahead of real time.***
By the time Tuesday came around, I was feeling a lot better about my decision. That morning, I started delivering presents to my friends. I wore the men's Christmas cardigan I found at the mall. It was a size medium, and a little big around my arms, but I pushed up the sleeves and paired it with leggings, hopefully pulling off the boyfriend sweater vibe. I did my makeup light and pushed my hair back with a silver snowflake headband. It paired nicely with the snowflake necklace and earrings Ethan got me.
I felt guilty I never reached out to thank Ethan, so his job was the first stop of the day. After the receptionist pointed me in the right direction, I walked to his office. I paused at the empty work area. I was about to turn around when I heard my name called.
I looked past the empty desk and saw Ethan step out of what had to be his office. He was watching me with a look that was both surprised and curious.
"Hey... you made partner and lost your personal receptionist?" I said, walking his way.
"I have an assistant now, who's on vacation." Ethan answered, leading me into his office. "Have a seat." He said. I took a seat on his couch. He joined me on the opposite end.
"Merry Christmas," I said, handing him the small, wrapped box." and thank you. I know it's a little late, but I love my jewelry." I said, playing with a snowflake earring.
"You're welcome. It looks good on you." Ethan said.
"You have great taste." I remarked.
He lifted the gift in his hand. "I'm sorry; I didn't get you anything for Christmas. I heard how well you received my last gift."
"It wasn't the gift." I smiled, embarrassed. I didn't want to think about all my stupid actions that night. "I'm glad I didn't mess up the box. The quote was my favorite part."
"That's good to know. I spent more time finding that than the gift."
"Really?" I said, surprised.
"Yes. I didn't want to apologize again and bring up-" He paused and frowned.
"Everything again. It just reminded me of you and how you said I had tunnel vision. I didn't see it as a bad thing until recently."
"It's not necessarily a bad thing. I loved the quote because I focus on the past and everything that went wrong. I'm learning to learn from it instead of being afraid all the time." I confessed.
"I'm trying to live more in the present too." Ethan nodded.
"Well good. Your gift will remind you of that." I smiled. I got him a set of cuff links, including a pair of snowflake shaped one. I knew he probably would never wear them, but that was fine as long as he had them.
"I know I said I wasn't going to apologize, but I need to. The thought passed my mind, after the last time, at EJ's birthday party, that we could have-" Ethan stopped, trying to find the right words.
Seeing Ethan fumble with his words was a first for me. I would have smiled if I don't know what he was alluding to.
"Conceived? Made a baby? Knocked me up?" I joked, nervously. He tensed, and I instantly regretted my stupid habit of making jokes when I was uncomfortable.
"Yes." He finally answered. "I just knew you would come to me."
"Ethan, I didn't know until-"
"I know, but even if you did, you are right. After the way I treated you, I shouldn't have assumed anything." Ethan took a break and rubbed his temples. "It took everything to make me realize how self-centered I am."
"Once again, not always a bad thing." I commented.
"It was in this case. My first thought, when I found out, was why didn't you tell me? How could you not tell me? That's why it was easy to assume the worst. I was hurt when you moved, so I cut you off. It never once occurred to me you were hurting too. I'm sorry, but more importantly, I'm working on it."
"Apology accepted." I said, simply.
"We're ok?" He asked, skeptically.
"As ok as we'll ever be. I think it'll always be a little awkward between us, but I accept that." I said truthfully. "I just know how it feels to need forgiveness. And quite frankly, I don't like being mad at you. Call it a Christmas miracle!" I finished, with a grin.
"Let's make it year round. We have this pattern of misunderstandings and arguing. Maybe we can try talking about our issues out first." Ethan suggested.
"Fine. New year's resolution." I agreed.
Ethan walked me out and I left, wishing him a Merry Christmas. I already felt so much better. I didn't realize how much energy it took to be angry with him. It was exhausting. It was good to let it go.
Speaking of letting it go, I went to Jake's work next. I left his present with one of his guards at the security desk. I knew he was still upset with me. He had every right to be. I left him a note attached to his customized car mats. They were forest green with his initials in the middle with Galaviz in cursive across the bottom. The note read:
Jake-
For when you get that Ferrari. I remember everything about Vegas too. It was when I started to fall in love with you.
Our biggest mistake was moving too fast, but I don't ever want you to doubt my feelings for you. They were real and the reason I ran: I was scared. You were right, we could have fixed us, but not until I fix myself. Thank you for showing me love and giving me the confidence to see something worth fixing in myself.
I hope the next girl that falls in love with you is worthy of the real you. He's an amazing guy
Merry Christmas,
Lily
After that, I went to Rocky's house. I dropped off a gift basket of bath supplies, massage oils and a massager for her and Brandon. I met up with Sammy next and we exchanged gifts. She got a new make-up bag and I got Corey Beats by Dre headphones.My last stop was Fort Worth, I was seeing my work friends at a BBQ restaurant in Dallas later in the afternoon. They were all getting random things I bought through EJ's fundraiser. I was dropping off EJ's keyboard on Christmas Eve and I was hanging out with Amber's family that night so they would be getting their gifts then. The only people I had to worry about catching were Lamar and Patrick. They were both getting cologne sets.
I drove to Rachel's job, hoping I would catch her. I wasn't sure what her schedule looked like, but I wanted to see her face to face. I was in luck; the receptionist told me to wait in the lobby. 5 minutes later, Rachel emerged.
"Lily, what brings you here?" Rachel greeted me, coolly.
"Merry Christmas." I told her, holding out her and Forrest gift. It was an aroma therapy set and matching robes.
"Thanks." Rachel said, with a bright smile. I have seen that smile before. It was her grin and bear it, pageantry fake smile.
"I'm not going to stay long. I just wanted to drop that off and tell you again how sorry I am. Have a Merry Christmas." I said, before turning to walk away. I wasn't going to press it. I was taking Forrest's advice and let her come to me when she was ready.
"Lily?" She stopped me.
I turned back around.
"I have friends in town for the holidays. We're getting together for happy hour. You should join us." Rachel invited me.
I smiled. "Sure, what time?"
After I got the details from her, she smiled at me. It was genuine this time. "Cute sweater. We're dressing up too. You should wear that tonight!"
"Will do!"
I was waiting for the elevator when I saw Gabriel from the corner of my eye. I willed the elevator to hurry up. I was contemplating taking the stairs when Gabriel approached me.
"Lily. Happy holidays." He greeted me.
"I celebrate Christmas, so Merry Christmas." I said, lightly, trying to hide my embarrassment.
"I see that." He smiled, looking me over from the top of my headband to the points of my booties.
I blushed.
I figured he would see my Facebook, observe I wasn't some drunken party girl, and move on to an easier target. I wasn't sure what he wanted from me, but I wasn't interested. Thankfully, the elevator arrived. I gave Gabriel a little wave before stepping on the elevator. To my dismay, he stepped on it with me.
"Lunch." He said, pressing the 1st floor button.
"Cool." I said, nodding.
"Wanna join me?" He asked.
"Look, I'm sorry for my behavior. I drank too much and turned into that drunk girl that I hate. I'm not like that so you're really wasting your time." I informed him, sharply.
"Wasting my time by seeing if you want something to eat?" He asked, cocking his head at me.
"We both know that's not what you're asking." I accused.
"I thought that was what I asked."
"Sure," I scoffed. "And you and those two girls were just making a snack in the kitchen on Halloween."
He didn't say anything as the elevator descended. When the doors opened to the lobby, he let me out first.
I walked out as fast as I could without looking suspicious. Gabriel kept up with me. When we got to the door, he stopped me.
"So was that a yes or a no on lunch?" He asked.
"Did you not just hear me?" I asked, exasperated.
"I heard you ask me not to judge you, and then right after that you judged me, but no answer on lunch." He answered, matter of factly.
I blushed again. "You're right. Sorry."
"That's ok. I'll even let you pay for lunch." He smiled.
"I can't. I'm busy and judgments aside, I don't know you well enough to know if I wanna have lunch with you." I said, before I left.
When I got back to Dallas, I actually had time to kill before our holiday luncheon at work. The clinic was closed Wednesday to Friday. The luncheon was set for 3pm. I took Justine for a walk before going home and freshening up. I dropped off Lamar and Patrick's gifts with Lamar before leaving for the luncheon.
Jordan and the other nurses were already there. The clinic rented out the restaurant for the afternoon. The smell of smoked meat made my stomach growl. I brought in the presents for my coworkers before I dragged Jordan outside so could give her her gift. It was a huge variety set of Keurig Coffee and a his and her mug set. Jordan told me how much she loved Derek's Keurig that his mom got for him. I figured the his and her mugs would be a nice little hint to Derek to make things official with Jordan.
"I have yours inside." Jordan exclaimed, taking the gift and putting it in my car.
"I didn't wanna be rude. I didn't get all the nurses something."
"So? I didn't get all the physical therapists something." Jordan confessed. I laughed at her.
At 3, not everyone had made it from the clinic, but the ones who had started to eat. We went through the buffet line of brisket, turkey, beans, cole slaw, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, greens beans and salad. Jordan and I sat down with Q and a few nurses.
"Doesn't feel very festive without booze." Q commented.
"I know. I blame Cathleen." Jordan said.
They all started laughing.
"Who's Cathleen?" I asked, between bites of Texas toast. They explained how the Christmas luncheon used to be dinner for families too, including an open bar. Until Cathleen, a former nurse, got drunk and revealed an affair she was having with Steven, leading to his divorce.
"Wow. I never knew." I shook my head.
"Yep, that's why I found it hilarious when he told Heather when he overheard us talking about you and Forrest." Jordan said.
"When did that happen?" I said, confused.
"In the locker room when you told me you were hooking up with Jake. He just heard the part about me asking about you and Forrest." Jordan explained.
"Speaking of, Rachel called a truce. She invited me to a happy hour, wanna come with me?" I asked.
Jordan looked down at her tacky Christmas sweaters. "Not like this!"
"Her friends are dressing like that too." I reassured her.
She agreed and we chatted while the other staff joined us. When all the physical therapist arrived, I handed out the gifts.
"Awww, I feel bad. I didn't know we were exchanging gifts. I just thought we were getting Sandra something." Heather frowned.
"Don't. The only reason y'all got gifts was because my friend's kid had a fundraiser." I joked.
"Amber?" Q asked me, quickly.
I looked at him, questioningly.
"She has three kids right?" He shrugged.
"Yes, but it wasn't one of her kids." I responded.
After we ate, we presented Sandra her gift. We all chipped in to buy her ICE! at Gaylord Texas Resort featuring Frosty tickets for her and her kids. She was very thankful and gifted us with Christmas cards with Starbucks gift cards. We made a pact if any of us won the golden Starbucks card, we would share! After a couple hours of socializing and eating dessert, Jordan and I headed to Fort Worth. We dropped off her car at her apartment so I was designated driver.
I was surprised when we pulled up to a hole in the wall bar. I was even more surprise to see it was karaoke night. It did not seem like Rachel's type of bar at all.
The surprises kept on coming when I saw Rachel and her friends. Their "dressing up" was matching red Santa hats. Other than that, they looked ready for a night out on the town. Jordan shot me an evil glare. I looked apologetically at her.
Rachel saw me and smiled broadly.
"Everyone, this is Lily!" Rachel introduced.
"Hi everyone." I said, waving. Everyone was polite, but eyed me curiously. I knew I was in for it when Serena smiled at me, sincerely. Normally, she regarded me with barely contained contempt, if she acknowledged me at all. I expected for the girls to start singing "Jingle Bell Rock", mean girl style.
Instead, they got wasted. Her friends were so rowdy and wild, I kinda loved it. Rachel was a completely different person, open and laughing and silly. They were reminiscing about their college days when karaoke started.
"Alright Lily, what song are you doing?" Rachel called to me.
"I'm not." I shook my head. Public singing was on the top of my list of fears. That, rats and aliens.
"But you love karaoke. At least you did on your birthday." Rachel grinned.
"What happen on her birthday?" Crystal, Rachel's sorority sister, asked.
"Nothing worth repeating." I blushed.
"It won't be repeated if you perform! I'll forget all about it." Rachel laughed.
"Really Rachel?" I moaned.
"Yep. I think it'll make us even." She grinned.
I took a deep breath.
I decided if this was she needed to make amends, I would do it. Besides her and Jordan and maybe Serena, I didn't have to see any of these people again. Why let them have that power of me? Giving a lap dance was so much more embarrassing, even if I couldn't remember it! So fuck it!
I went to the front and request the most ambitious Christmas song I could think of: Mariah Carey. Not even she could sing this song anymore, if the internet could be believed.
I got up and sang a pitchy, off key rendition of "All I Want for Christmas is You". What I lacked in vocal talent, I made up for in enthusiasm and dance moves. I got both cheers and jeers from the crowd. At the end of my performance, the only reaction I cared about was Rachel's. She was giving me a standing ovation.
"Are we friends now?" I asked her as she hugged me. When she nodded, I clarified.
"Real friends? Not just tolerating me or whatever you've been doing?"
"Lily, after you did that for me, we are best friends, I promise!" She beamed at me.
"We better be... because Mariah has a lot of songs, I can get back up there..." I threatened.
"No! That will ruin our friendship." Rachel laughed. I laughed too.
I did end up going back up there with Jordan, Serena, Rachel and another one of Rachel's friends. We did "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Merry Christmas", N'Sync style. I had a blast with them. When I got home, I thought about how the whole day was a success.
Ethan and I were ok again. Rachel and I were better than ever. Jake didn't reach out to me, but that was fine. I just hoped he believed what I wrote. I meant every word. I felt anxiety hit me as I thought about Trevor and what he would think of the note I wrote him.
I knew he wouldn't open it until Christmas. We started the tradition of never opening the gift until Christmas day in college. We exchanged gifts right before we went our separate ways on winter break. I knew he upheld the tradition just like I did.
I was nervous that maybe he did open the card. Then I was worried that he did open it, but didn't want to respond. Urgh, it was maddening, but ultimately out of my control. I had to stop worrying about things I couldn't control. I conquered my fear and let him know exactly what I felt. That was a success, no matter how he responded.
I sighed and laid down in bed. Moments later, Justine joined me. When I went to sleep, I was content. I felt like things were looking up.
All it took was a little Christmas to finally get me headed in the right direction.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Grown Up Christmas List
"As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list" Grown Up Christmas List (Amy Grant Version)
After our lunch, I cut off all contact with Trevor. I just couldn't deal. It was made worse by everyone congratulating Trevor on his new opportunity. That just made me bitter. He was trying to find a way for us to work out regardless of his job, but I blew it. I flipped from extreme anger to crippling sadness; at him and myself.
Anger was easy. I finally gave into my feelings, now he didn't trust me enough to be in a relationship. I understand I should have talked to him; I beat myself up about that every day. I picture how different things would have been if I just talked to him. I was mad at myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I knew I fucked up, but why couldn't he forgive me? That's what made me angry at him. I told him I wanted to be with him. That's what he wanted. Why wasn't that good enough now?
Those thoughts filled me with dread and sadness. If I couldn't make things ok with Trevor, I didn't know what I would do. Our entire relationship, I struggled with my feelings, the majority of the time I was worried about losing his friendship. That's what ultimately made me decided not to reveal my feelings in college and to push them away. It was depressing to lose his friendship now that we both had feelings for each other.
Trevor reached out to me, but I ignored all his attempts until he finally stopped. As depressing as it was, I couldn't face him. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't be happy for him. I couldn't even wish him a Merry Christmas knowing he was starting a new chapter in his life without me. I had to get used to him not being around, right? Even if it was temporary.
Honestly, I was terrified it wouldn't be temporary, but I tried not to think about it. I stayed on autopilot. I went to work, played with Justine, ate, worked out and repeat.
Friday broke the monotony. I texted Rachel to see if she still wanted to ride together to the Championship playoff game. When I went to text her, I realized she never responded to my apology text. I frowned and called Forrest. He didn't answer, but he text me back.
Forrest: What's up?
Me: Is Rachel mad at me from the party?
Forrest: More like embarrassed lol
Me: Not funny! She never responded to my text. What do I do?
Forrest: Wait it out. Her ego is hurt more than anything. She'll reach out when it's repaired.
I sighed but still called Rachel. She answered, and I asked her if she still wanted to ride together to the game. When she said she would be late and would see me there, I apologized again.
"Rachel, I'm really sorry about Saturday. I have no excuse but I was drunk and stupid and I'm sorry I upset you."
"It's fine. I have to go." Rachel said, before disconnecting.
I went to the game and sat in the stands alone. I was a little self-conscious, but as soon as the game started, I was too into the game to care. Darren had an amazing game. He rushed for over 100 yards and ran in 2 touchdowns, but his team's efforts fell short. They lost, 35 to 27. It was heartbreaking, seeing senior football players, students, and parents alike crying. I gave Darren a sad smile as he stood with his parents after he emerged from the locker room.
"Mr. and Mrs. Woods." I greeted them, before hugging Darren.
"I'm sorry. That was a tough loss."
He shrugged. "It's alright. I had a good game." He said, too casually. I knew he was trying to play it off, so I grinned at him.
"Good! This was supposed to be a Christmas or celebration gift depending on how the game went." I started, handing him the gift bag I brought. "So now it's both."
He looked into it and smiled. "Thank you, Miss Lily." He said, pulling out the Superman sunglasses and putting them on. The bag was full of Superman themed swag, including a throw blanket, key chain, sweatshirt, headphones, hat, and sunglasses.
I pulled out the hat and put it on his head. "Just so wherever you go to college, they recognize who they're dealing with." I smiled at him.
"You already know!" Darren laughed, giving me another hug.
I grinned. Kids were so resilient. I wished simple presents were enough for me to get over disappointments. I took a picture of him with his parents before I wished them a good night.
"Miss Lily, are you coming to eat with the team? Coach Sullivan and Miss Rachel are coming." Darren asked me.
I shook my head. Rachel didn't even try to find me at the game. I figured the night was sad enough, I'd let them have the night with their team with no awkwardness.
"No, but I'll be in touch." I told him.
We took a picture together before I left. On the way home, my phone beeped. I didn't look at it til I got home. It was from Forrest, asking where I was. I told him at home and left it at that.
I sighed to myself. I really didn't intend to upset Rachel. I was the one telling Forrest not to make the situation more uncomfortable for Rachel and in one night, I destroyed that.
When I got home, I gave Justine a bath. After the bath struggle and taking a shower myself, I went to bed.
--------------------
Saturday morning, I got up and dressed to hit the gym. I knew there was a huge chance I would see Jake, and I was looking forward to it. I wanted to hear about his dad's wedding and catch up. I was easing myself back into the world of feeling. I just wasn't ready to talk to any of my friends that wanted to discuss Trevor. Jake was perfect for that!
I put on a long sleeve Nike compression workout shirt and gray sweatpants. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and didn't even bother with make-up. I drove to the gym, and smiled when I saw Jake's SUV. I went inside and walked around looking for him. I found him with the free weights.
"Hey." I said, as I approached him from behind. When he turned to face me, I gave him a smile.
He looked me over briefly, before giving me a little nod. His lips were set in a grim line. I've seen that face often enough to know he wasn't happy to see me.
"Are you busy?" I asked him.
His response was to just gesture at the weights.
"I mean, yeah, of course you're busy. Can we talk?" I asked.
"Why?" Jake asked me. I was shocked by that answer. I didn't know why, but I knew we needed to talk now. Obviously, he was upset with me. I opened my mouth to respond, when I heard someone call his name.
"Jake, I need your help."
I turned around to see Alexis. When she saw it was me, she looked shocked, but recovered quickly with a little smile.
"Be right there." Jake said, putting down the weights. I wanted to bolt, but I stood my ground. I had no claim over Jake. Yeah, it sucked he was here with her, but I wanted to know why he was upset with me. If he didn't think being my friend was a good idea because of her, he could at least tell me so.
"Actually, can I borrow him for a minute? 5 tops." I asked Alexis, in a neutral tone.
She looked at Jake.
"Give us 2 minutes." Jake sighed, like he was exhausted with me. Now I was getting annoyed. I thought we were ok. Thinking and I weren't getting along very well recently. After Alexis left, I turned to Jake.
"Is she why you're being so rude to me?" I asked Jake.
"I'm rude? How am I being rude?" Jake responded, irritated.
"Barely responding to my text, not talking to me. If you don't wanna be friends, just say so. I'm not trying to go back and forth with you." I laid it out for him.
"Really? You're not trying to go back and forth with me? That's all you've been doing since we broke up, and I'm done with it." Jake replied.
"How have I been going back and forth with you? I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship over and over and over again. You were the one convinced you could change my mind like I didn't have one." I countered.
"You told me you didn't want to be in a relationship. You should have told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me." Jake said, angrily.
"What's the big fucking difference?" I questioned.
"I wouldn't have tried if I knew you wanted to be with Trevor!" He exclaimed.
I froze.
"I trusted you. I believed you when you said you didn't have feelings for him. I thought Sammy was lying about y'all, but you turned out to be the liar."
"Jake- I didn't know. When I was with you-"
"Don't. I heard enough Saturday. It was bad enough seeing the pictures, and the dog and the collage and all that just friend bullshit, but you had to call me too." Jake cut me off.
My stomach dropped. "I called you?"
"Yeah, you did. Asking me to come over cause I could make you forget about Trevor. He's moving right? Is that what started y'all's lover quarrel?" Jake spat.
"Jake-" I started.
"Stop. I don't care. I really don't. The answer to your question is no. I don't wanna be friends. I told you the only way we could work was by being honest. I lied by omission, but you just lied. I don't have room for people like you in my life." Jake finished.
He left me standing in front of the free weights, disgusted with myself. He was angry, but underneath that anger was pain. Pain that I never intended to cause him. The worst part was that I didn't think I could deny what he said. My feelings for Trevor never went away. Did that mean what I had with Jake was all a lie? I didn't know. My brain was a jumbled mess.
When Jake and Alexis looked in my direction, my brain finally told my body to move, and I fled. I left the gym, blinking away my tears. I was tired of crying. It accomplished nothing. I needed to get my shit together. I just didn't know how.
I took Justine out for a long walk after I got home. I had so many thoughts running through my head. We stopped in a grassy area of a park for Justine. 30 minutes later, Justine came back to me from playing in the open area. I cleaned up Justine's waste and we ran home.
Rocky texted me that evening, telling me she was heading over to Trevor's to help him pack. I ignored it, and her phone calls. In fact, I put my phone away and took a long hot bath.
Afterwards, I curled up on my couch and watched A Christmas Carol. I watched Ebenezer Scrooge at the end, enviously. Was it that easy? Did change just happen like that? I felt like I was being haunted by all my past mistakes. As much as I wanted to change and do better, I didn't know how to start. Ebenezer just woke up a changed man when he saw his future. I saw mine too: Miserable, Lonely and Alone.
Ok, maybe I was being a touch melodramatic, but if I couldn't even make things work with Trevor, who treated me so well and showed me all the time how much he cared about me, there wasn't really hope for me.
Jake didn't help matters. I felt so guilty thinking about what I put him through. He was right about one thing. The reason I was so attracted to him was the fact he was so attracted to me. Besides everything he knew, he still wanted me. He was a huge confidence booster. I didn't want to let that go. I love that he actively pursued me: before we got together and after we broke up. That was so selfish of me and I felt so shitty about it.
I went to bed and pulled out my phone. I typed all my thoughts on a memo. I read over the memo that I had just typed. It was so long, but it felt good just to get my thoughts in order. I saved the memo and fell asleep.
-----------
Sunday morning, I was well rested and determined to start anew. I realized I wasn't going to change overnight, but my attitude about it could. I couldn't change the past or my mistakes, but I could learn from them. I planned on it.
I started with some retail therapy to finish up my Christmas shopping. Cam, Jenna and I were leaving Christmas day for California, so I wanted to deliver all my presents on my off day Tuesday. I figured Christmas gifts would be a nice first step in my change of attitude.
Christ died for our sins. That's why people celebrated Christmas right? To celebrate his birth and life. Not sure how the gifts play a part of that, but I was all for forgiveness, love, and healing. I needed all three.
I walked around the mall, seeing the crazy crowds on the last shopping weekend before Christmas. The line for Santa was so long. I smiled at the kids, longing for a time were life was so simple. A packaged toy underneath a tree made me so happy. My Christmas list was a lot more complicated now. I smiled anyway. At least I didn't have to wait for someone to bring it to me. I could make it happen myself, with some time and effort.
My last shopping outing was successful. I bought gifts for everyone that was on my list. I even found a miniature Charlie Brown Christmas Tree for Trevor's Mom when I was shopping for an ugly Christmas sweater for my work holiday party. I bought wrapping paper, tape, bows and eggnog and went home. I put on a Christmas playlist and got to work wrapping everything.
I was singing along loudly to Wham's Last Christmas, making my way through the gifts with Justine looking at me like I was crazy, when there was a knock on my door.
I looked through the peephole before opening it. It was Sammy and Rocky.
"Hey! Why didn't y'all call? You're lucky I already wrapped your gifts or I wouldn't let you in." I smiled at them.
"Trevor is leaving today. You need to come say goodbye." Sammy started.
I sighed. "It's not goodbye. Just see you later."
"If that's the case, why didn't you help out last night?" Rocky questioned.
I motioned around the room. "I've been busy."
"Well, take a break." Rocky demanded.
I nodded and pulled out Trevor's gifts and Christmas card. Inside was a handwritten note.
"Can you give this to Trevor please? Tell him I said to drive safe. No speeding." I asked, handing the gift to Sammy.
Sammy turned away from me. "I ain't UPS nor a messenger. If you have something to say to him, grow up and say it to him." She stalked to the door.
I looked at Rocky, hopefully. Rocky sighed, but took the gifts.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Rocky said, shaking her head.
"Thank you."
After they left, I focused on my breathing to calm my racing heart.
I knew exactly what I was doing. I just hoped it all worked out; that's the only thing I could do. I acted out of fear so many times: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. It got me absolutely nowhere. The number one thing on my Christmas list was courage. I needed it to start doing the right thing. I wasn't there yet. I still couldn't face Trevor, but I would get there. One step at a time.
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list" Grown Up Christmas List (Amy Grant Version)
After our lunch, I cut off all contact with Trevor. I just couldn't deal. It was made worse by everyone congratulating Trevor on his new opportunity. That just made me bitter. He was trying to find a way for us to work out regardless of his job, but I blew it. I flipped from extreme anger to crippling sadness; at him and myself.
Anger was easy. I finally gave into my feelings, now he didn't trust me enough to be in a relationship. I understand I should have talked to him; I beat myself up about that every day. I picture how different things would have been if I just talked to him. I was mad at myself for making the same mistakes over and over. I knew I fucked up, but why couldn't he forgive me? That's what made me angry at him. I told him I wanted to be with him. That's what he wanted. Why wasn't that good enough now?
Those thoughts filled me with dread and sadness. If I couldn't make things ok with Trevor, I didn't know what I would do. Our entire relationship, I struggled with my feelings, the majority of the time I was worried about losing his friendship. That's what ultimately made me decided not to reveal my feelings in college and to push them away. It was depressing to lose his friendship now that we both had feelings for each other.
Trevor reached out to me, but I ignored all his attempts until he finally stopped. As depressing as it was, I couldn't face him. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't be happy for him. I couldn't even wish him a Merry Christmas knowing he was starting a new chapter in his life without me. I had to get used to him not being around, right? Even if it was temporary.
Honestly, I was terrified it wouldn't be temporary, but I tried not to think about it. I stayed on autopilot. I went to work, played with Justine, ate, worked out and repeat.
Friday broke the monotony. I texted Rachel to see if she still wanted to ride together to the Championship playoff game. When I went to text her, I realized she never responded to my apology text. I frowned and called Forrest. He didn't answer, but he text me back.
Forrest: What's up?
Me: Is Rachel mad at me from the party?
Forrest: More like embarrassed lol
Me: Not funny! She never responded to my text. What do I do?
Forrest: Wait it out. Her ego is hurt more than anything. She'll reach out when it's repaired.
I sighed but still called Rachel. She answered, and I asked her if she still wanted to ride together to the game. When she said she would be late and would see me there, I apologized again.
"Rachel, I'm really sorry about Saturday. I have no excuse but I was drunk and stupid and I'm sorry I upset you."
"It's fine. I have to go." Rachel said, before disconnecting.
I went to the game and sat in the stands alone. I was a little self-conscious, but as soon as the game started, I was too into the game to care. Darren had an amazing game. He rushed for over 100 yards and ran in 2 touchdowns, but his team's efforts fell short. They lost, 35 to 27. It was heartbreaking, seeing senior football players, students, and parents alike crying. I gave Darren a sad smile as he stood with his parents after he emerged from the locker room.
"Mr. and Mrs. Woods." I greeted them, before hugging Darren.
"I'm sorry. That was a tough loss."
He shrugged. "It's alright. I had a good game." He said, too casually. I knew he was trying to play it off, so I grinned at him.
"Good! This was supposed to be a Christmas or celebration gift depending on how the game went." I started, handing him the gift bag I brought. "So now it's both."
He looked into it and smiled. "Thank you, Miss Lily." He said, pulling out the Superman sunglasses and putting them on. The bag was full of Superman themed swag, including a throw blanket, key chain, sweatshirt, headphones, hat, and sunglasses.
I pulled out the hat and put it on his head. "Just so wherever you go to college, they recognize who they're dealing with." I smiled at him.
"You already know!" Darren laughed, giving me another hug.
I grinned. Kids were so resilient. I wished simple presents were enough for me to get over disappointments. I took a picture of him with his parents before I wished them a good night.
"Miss Lily, are you coming to eat with the team? Coach Sullivan and Miss Rachel are coming." Darren asked me.
I shook my head. Rachel didn't even try to find me at the game. I figured the night was sad enough, I'd let them have the night with their team with no awkwardness.
"No, but I'll be in touch." I told him.
We took a picture together before I left. On the way home, my phone beeped. I didn't look at it til I got home. It was from Forrest, asking where I was. I told him at home and left it at that.
I sighed to myself. I really didn't intend to upset Rachel. I was the one telling Forrest not to make the situation more uncomfortable for Rachel and in one night, I destroyed that.
When I got home, I gave Justine a bath. After the bath struggle and taking a shower myself, I went to bed.
--------------------
Saturday morning, I got up and dressed to hit the gym. I knew there was a huge chance I would see Jake, and I was looking forward to it. I wanted to hear about his dad's wedding and catch up. I was easing myself back into the world of feeling. I just wasn't ready to talk to any of my friends that wanted to discuss Trevor. Jake was perfect for that!
I put on a long sleeve Nike compression workout shirt and gray sweatpants. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and didn't even bother with make-up. I drove to the gym, and smiled when I saw Jake's SUV. I went inside and walked around looking for him. I found him with the free weights.
"Hey." I said, as I approached him from behind. When he turned to face me, I gave him a smile.
He looked me over briefly, before giving me a little nod. His lips were set in a grim line. I've seen that face often enough to know he wasn't happy to see me.
"Are you busy?" I asked him.
His response was to just gesture at the weights.
"I mean, yeah, of course you're busy. Can we talk?" I asked.
"Why?" Jake asked me. I was shocked by that answer. I didn't know why, but I knew we needed to talk now. Obviously, he was upset with me. I opened my mouth to respond, when I heard someone call his name.
"Jake, I need your help."
I turned around to see Alexis. When she saw it was me, she looked shocked, but recovered quickly with a little smile.
"Be right there." Jake said, putting down the weights. I wanted to bolt, but I stood my ground. I had no claim over Jake. Yeah, it sucked he was here with her, but I wanted to know why he was upset with me. If he didn't think being my friend was a good idea because of her, he could at least tell me so.
"Actually, can I borrow him for a minute? 5 tops." I asked Alexis, in a neutral tone.
She looked at Jake.
"Give us 2 minutes." Jake sighed, like he was exhausted with me. Now I was getting annoyed. I thought we were ok. Thinking and I weren't getting along very well recently. After Alexis left, I turned to Jake.
"Is she why you're being so rude to me?" I asked Jake.
"I'm rude? How am I being rude?" Jake responded, irritated.
"Barely responding to my text, not talking to me. If you don't wanna be friends, just say so. I'm not trying to go back and forth with you." I laid it out for him.
"Really? You're not trying to go back and forth with me? That's all you've been doing since we broke up, and I'm done with it." Jake replied.
"How have I been going back and forth with you? I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship over and over and over again. You were the one convinced you could change my mind like I didn't have one." I countered.
"You told me you didn't want to be in a relationship. You should have told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me." Jake said, angrily.
"What's the big fucking difference?" I questioned.
"I wouldn't have tried if I knew you wanted to be with Trevor!" He exclaimed.
I froze.
"I trusted you. I believed you when you said you didn't have feelings for him. I thought Sammy was lying about y'all, but you turned out to be the liar."
"Jake- I didn't know. When I was with you-"
"Don't. I heard enough Saturday. It was bad enough seeing the pictures, and the dog and the collage and all that just friend bullshit, but you had to call me too." Jake cut me off.
My stomach dropped. "I called you?"
"Yeah, you did. Asking me to come over cause I could make you forget about Trevor. He's moving right? Is that what started y'all's lover quarrel?" Jake spat.
"Jake-" I started.
"Stop. I don't care. I really don't. The answer to your question is no. I don't wanna be friends. I told you the only way we could work was by being honest. I lied by omission, but you just lied. I don't have room for people like you in my life." Jake finished.
He left me standing in front of the free weights, disgusted with myself. He was angry, but underneath that anger was pain. Pain that I never intended to cause him. The worst part was that I didn't think I could deny what he said. My feelings for Trevor never went away. Did that mean what I had with Jake was all a lie? I didn't know. My brain was a jumbled mess.
When Jake and Alexis looked in my direction, my brain finally told my body to move, and I fled. I left the gym, blinking away my tears. I was tired of crying. It accomplished nothing. I needed to get my shit together. I just didn't know how.
I took Justine out for a long walk after I got home. I had so many thoughts running through my head. We stopped in a grassy area of a park for Justine. 30 minutes later, Justine came back to me from playing in the open area. I cleaned up Justine's waste and we ran home.
Rocky texted me that evening, telling me she was heading over to Trevor's to help him pack. I ignored it, and her phone calls. In fact, I put my phone away and took a long hot bath.
Afterwards, I curled up on my couch and watched A Christmas Carol. I watched Ebenezer Scrooge at the end, enviously. Was it that easy? Did change just happen like that? I felt like I was being haunted by all my past mistakes. As much as I wanted to change and do better, I didn't know how to start. Ebenezer just woke up a changed man when he saw his future. I saw mine too: Miserable, Lonely and Alone.
Ok, maybe I was being a touch melodramatic, but if I couldn't even make things work with Trevor, who treated me so well and showed me all the time how much he cared about me, there wasn't really hope for me.
Jake didn't help matters. I felt so guilty thinking about what I put him through. He was right about one thing. The reason I was so attracted to him was the fact he was so attracted to me. Besides everything he knew, he still wanted me. He was a huge confidence booster. I didn't want to let that go. I love that he actively pursued me: before we got together and after we broke up. That was so selfish of me and I felt so shitty about it.
I went to bed and pulled out my phone. I typed all my thoughts on a memo. I read over the memo that I had just typed. It was so long, but it felt good just to get my thoughts in order. I saved the memo and fell asleep.
-----------
Sunday morning, I was well rested and determined to start anew. I realized I wasn't going to change overnight, but my attitude about it could. I couldn't change the past or my mistakes, but I could learn from them. I planned on it.
I started with some retail therapy to finish up my Christmas shopping. Cam, Jenna and I were leaving Christmas day for California, so I wanted to deliver all my presents on my off day Tuesday. I figured Christmas gifts would be a nice first step in my change of attitude.
Christ died for our sins. That's why people celebrated Christmas right? To celebrate his birth and life. Not sure how the gifts play a part of that, but I was all for forgiveness, love, and healing. I needed all three.
I walked around the mall, seeing the crazy crowds on the last shopping weekend before Christmas. The line for Santa was so long. I smiled at the kids, longing for a time were life was so simple. A packaged toy underneath a tree made me so happy. My Christmas list was a lot more complicated now. I smiled anyway. At least I didn't have to wait for someone to bring it to me. I could make it happen myself, with some time and effort.
My last shopping outing was successful. I bought gifts for everyone that was on my list. I even found a miniature Charlie Brown Christmas Tree for Trevor's Mom when I was shopping for an ugly Christmas sweater for my work holiday party. I bought wrapping paper, tape, bows and eggnog and went home. I put on a Christmas playlist and got to work wrapping everything.
I was singing along loudly to Wham's Last Christmas, making my way through the gifts with Justine looking at me like I was crazy, when there was a knock on my door.
I looked through the peephole before opening it. It was Sammy and Rocky.
"Hey! Why didn't y'all call? You're lucky I already wrapped your gifts or I wouldn't let you in." I smiled at them.
"Trevor is leaving today. You need to come say goodbye." Sammy started.
I sighed. "It's not goodbye. Just see you later."
"If that's the case, why didn't you help out last night?" Rocky questioned.
I motioned around the room. "I've been busy."
"Well, take a break." Rocky demanded.
I nodded and pulled out Trevor's gifts and Christmas card. Inside was a handwritten note.
"Can you give this to Trevor please? Tell him I said to drive safe. No speeding." I asked, handing the gift to Sammy.
Sammy turned away from me. "I ain't UPS nor a messenger. If you have something to say to him, grow up and say it to him." She stalked to the door.
I looked at Rocky, hopefully. Rocky sighed, but took the gifts.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Rocky said, shaking her head.
"Thank you."
After they left, I focused on my breathing to calm my racing heart.
I knew exactly what I was doing. I just hoped it all worked out; that's the only thing I could do. I acted out of fear so many times: fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of the unknown. It got me absolutely nowhere. The number one thing on my Christmas list was courage. I needed it to start doing the right thing. I wasn't there yet. I still couldn't face Trevor, but I would get there. One step at a time.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
TKO (Trevor's POV)
"Baby, everyday you're training to get the gold
That's why your body's crazy
But you can't run from yourself, that's where it's difficult
Girl I can see in your eyes that there's
Something inside that made you evil
Where did you go?
'Cause it just ain't fair
Over here thinking 'bout the shit you say
Don't know why it gets to me
It cuts right on my eye, yeah it hurt, won't lie
Still can't see, think I saw you with another guy
Fair fight, knocked down, then I got over you
Can't fight no more, you knock me out, what am I supposed to do?" TKO by Justin Timberlake
Trevor's point of view of the b-day party.
"I don't get it! You wanna freelance! Even if Kenji sells, you'll have connections in Austin." Cat said, talking over the house music, gesturing with her hands like she always does when she's excited.
"I didn't invite you to discuss my career." I told her, as I handed her a drink to give her something to do with her hands. The waitress just delivered the bottles of Grey Goose and Bacardi at the club in the hotel.
She took a big gulp of her drink. "I just don't understand what's holding you back!"
I looked over to the table Lily was sitting at. Lily was sandwiched between Amber and Rocky, talking animatedly to the whole table. She had a wide smile on her face as she talked. She looked beautiful. I always joked with her about not needing make-up; truthfully, she didn't, but I always applauded her efforts. Especially tonight, she looked flawless.
I didn't even remember complimenting her on how she looked. I was that blown away. I spent my time in the presidential suite making sure she was having a good time when I wasn't staring at her.
Cam caught me gawking at her numerous times, but he was going to have to get over it. If things went the way I wanted, he would have to get used to it...
"I have a guess." Bilal answered Cat's question, nodding over at Lily.
I grinned. "I'll be right back." I said, standing up. I made my way over to the other table.
"Put that on the list of things I don't need to know about my sister..." Cam said under his breath while everyone else laughed.
"What don't you wanna know?" I asked, sitting down with them.
"My sexual deviancy." Lily said, plainly.
"Ok... subject change." I said, trying not to think of her sexually at all.
As a dude, it always registered to me how sexy she is. In college, she was my best friend. I put her in the no-go category, despite my penis' objections. When she told me she didn't have feelings for me besides brotherly, that was enough to keep my penis in check. I had my slip ups, but for the most part, I ignored my most basic instincts of wanting to see her naked.
Since she told me her feelings were more than just friendly, that rule went out the window. Just thinking about the way she rubbed against me when she thought I was sleeping was enough to give me a boner. It was hard, pun intended. The thought of having a real relationship with her is what kept me at bay. I wanted her, but not just physically. I was willing to settle for holding her until I could have it all.
That didn't mean I could handle any encouragement from her about her sexual deviancy. She was already the star in all of my nightly fantasy. Yes, every night I tested her deviancy in my head. She always passed. Or failed, depending on how you look at it...
I made a remark on how everyone separated themselves to get my mind out the gutter. I watched how Lily's demeanor completely changed. Her joking was no longer light-hearted and friendly. It was bitter. I looked at her empty glass.
"How much have you had to drink Lily?" I asked, after her white supremacist joke. I ignored it cause I knew she knew better.
When she made plans to go to the bar, I tried to get her to stay at the table. At least that way I could monitor how much she was drinking. She was already was mixing liquors and drinking on an empty stomach: two rookie mistakes. She knew better than that too.
I was going to follow her, but Sammy stopped me. "I got her, hang out with your friends." She said it in a way that gave me no choice but to agree.
I nodded and let them go. I hung out with my friends and co-workers. We opened the champagne and were having a great time drinking and joking around.
I ignored Amelia when she stood beside me with Cat. I knew it was a bad idea when I hooked up with her, but this was back when I let my penis do the thinking. I was spending my weekends in Austin, trying to get over Lily. I helped out Cat with a website she was designing for her boyfriend, Kenji. His fans and fan website kept him in Japan for extended periods of time and she wanted to bring the website and him back to America.
At the time, the website was something to do to keep me occupied; Much like Amelia. Amelia was fire wrapped in a tiny, blonde package. She was very much the rock star persona she portrayed on stage. She was so different from Lily that she kept my mind off her. I needed that when Lily started to distance herself from me.
After a night of hard partying, I woke up feeling like crap and decided I didn't wanna continue that way. Maybe I couldn't be with Lily, but I didn't wanna be that guy anymore, so I started spending my time back in Dallas.
By then, Kenji and his friends loved the website. What started out as a way to get over Lily was now an amazing opportunity: an opportunity with lousy timing. I finally got Lily considering a relationship with me. I couldn't lose out on that. That's why I didn't tell her about the job. I couldn't give her a reason not to give us a chance. If the leave of absence request came through, it wouldn't be a problem. I could have both: Lily and the job. I didn't need anything messing that up. Namely, Amelia.
Unfortunately, Amelia was Cat's roommate. Another bad decision by my penis. The funny thing is, when we stopped hooking up, she didn't care. Her interest was piqued when Lily came down for dinner with us before Thanksgiving. She kept asking me who she was. I told her the truth: my friend. She didn't seem convinced. It probably didn't help matters by showing her how pissed I was when she sang that stupid song to me.
The first time we hooked up was after I saw her perform. Cat dragged me out to her show. The last song of the night was "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches. Classy, but it was exactly what I needed. Her singing a love song to me was stupid. What we did was nowhere close to love. She was just trying to push my buttons. I saw now that she got off on that. I didn't want her games to impact my job or my relationship.
"What do you want Amelia?" I asked her, when Cat went to the dance floor.
"I can't talk to my friend?" She asked.
"We're not friends." I told her, bluntly.
"Fuck buddies?" Her icy blue eyes flashing with mischief.
"Not even that anymore." I reminded her.
"Does princess know we were?" She asked.
"Princess?" I asked, uninterested.
She pointed to the dance floor. I looked to see Lily grinding on some dude.
"Just asking cause I think we all can be friends. She obviously has great taste in guys." Amelia smirked, before slithering back where she came from.
I watched Lily a while longer as she wrapped her arms around the guy and talked and laughed with him. When Rocky and Brandon pulled her away, I made my way to the dance floor too.
I headed straight for her. I held her in my arms, making sure she was ok and not drinking too much. At the same time, I tried to re-establish the connection between us. Sometimes, there was no doubt in my mind she felt it between us. Like earlier, when I put my arm around her after I first saw her. When she looked into my eyes and told me I was amazing, I felt it. I knew she did too, that's why she was blushing. I felt it ever since she came back, even when she was with Jake. Maybe faint, but it was still there. I was feeling it then, until she pulled away.
I wasn't surprised when she said she was lightheaded. I sent her to the table while I got her some food and water. I was surprised when I came back and saw her drinking, again, with the same dude. I knew something was up when she glared at me while chugging the champagne after I suggested she should slow down. I didn't realize she was mad at me until she stood up and told me she didn't want to talk to me. I followed her, hoping to find out why she was mad. When she blew up, I let it go. I figured we would talk it out later.
We went up to the suite and played games. Lily was blurting out all the obvious dirty answers to the game.
"When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole." Bilal read the card.
"Dick!" Lily blurted out.
"No. A dentist." Bilal laughed. "It's never going to be dick. It's not the dirty answer." He explained to her, again.
She nodded and smiled. She was quiet on the card I read. Amelia went next and Lily talked to Sammy the entire time.
"I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Cat read.
"Cock!" Lily answered, while everyone laughed at her.
"No Lily. Shut up." Amber nudged her.
"Nose!" Rachel answered.
"How did you get that?" Cat asked, surprised.
"There it was. Six inches of pure delight beckoning me to take it in my mouth. I ran my tongue around it and its sweet nuts, but the longer I sucked on it, the smaller it got! What am I?" Forrest read, laughing the entire time.
"Penis! Penis! Penis!!!" Lily laughed too.
"No!" Forrest shook his head at her. No one got it, so Forrest read. "Chocolate bar."
"Close enough, right Rocky?!? Rachel?" Lily asked.
"Lily!" Rachel gasped, embarrassed.
Lily laughed.
"Maybe a jumbo sized chocolate bar!" Brandon exclaimed.
"Rocky calls it fun sized." Lily smiled. Even I couldn't help laughing at that.
"Goodnight everyone!" Rocky stood up, pulling Brandon up to leave. Lily laughed and got up with them.
We had decided to put that game away when a box came flying over my head. I looked up, surprised. When I saw Lily grinning maliciously at me, I knew the night was not going to end well. I had no idea what she wanted from me. I asked what was wrong, she flipped out. I left her alone, she threw stuff at me. I was at a loss: what was I supposed to do?
I went with my third option; If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I started drinking and let her do what she wanted. We would talk tomorrow, after her hangover.
"Have you ever had a hook up with someone you regret?" The first card read.
Everyone drank on that one. I looked at Amelia and took another shot. She glared at me and I laughed.
"Have you ever talked dirty during a prank phone call?"
"Have you ever spied on someone who was changing clothes?"
"Have you ever filmed a homemade porn movie?"
Amelia smirked at me on that one and took a shot. I quickly took one too.
"I'm fucking done with this game!" Lily declared, standing up.
"Why? Sobering up over there?" Gabriel asked her.
"Exactly! I haven't done any of this shit! Fucking perverts." She yelled at us, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Fine. Let's stop." I said, relieved.
"No, just drink for me." Blake offered. She grinned and squeezed in between Gabriel and Blake on the couch.
"Have you ever shared nude pictures of yourself on the internet?"
Blake laughed at Lily. "C'mon! Everyone has done it."
"Have not." Lily replied.
"Snapchat?" Gabriel asked her.
"That's not the internet." Lily laughed.
"Close enough." Gabriel commented. She giggled and drank.
"Have you ever imitated a scene in an adult film?"
I drank, watching as Blake nudged Lily, signaling her to drink for him. She drank, then grabbed the card from Ian.
"I wanna try this one. Gabriel, any acting experience?" Lily asked Gabriel, while staring straight at me. I felt my face heat up and it had nothing to do with the shots.
Gabriel just shook his head. Lily began to pick out cards the cards that she wanted to try with Gabriel. Every single one she made sure to make eye contact with me before asking Gabriel. I kept drinking to ignore her.
"Have you ever given a lapdance?"
She then decided to act out that card with Gabriel. Thankfully, Sammy stopped her. Any buzz I had from drinking was gone. Unfortunately, she wasn't done. She sang "I Don't Fuck with You" to Amelia. I could tell by Amelia smug face she said something to Lily. I tried repeatedly to get her to stop, but it just egged her on. When she told me she didn't fuck with me, I just stared at her.
"I will never fuck with you because-" She stopped and I swear she turned green. I stood up right before she started regurgitating. She had nothing to eat besides gummy bears, so I knew this would be bad. I rushed her to the bathroom. We made it just before she started praying to the porcelain gods. I pulled her hair away and stroked her back.
It would have been funny if I didn't know it was Amelia who got her to this point. Everything Lily did tonight was targeted towards me. I didn't get that. After everything I told her and had done for her, she still couldn't trust or at least talk to me. I thought getting her to admit her feelings was all we needed. I was starting to realize love wouldn't be enough for us.
Sammy came into the bathroom, Amber on her heels.
"Is she ok?" Amber asked.
"She will be." I answered, watching as she shuddered and moaned.
"People are starting to leave. Go say bye. We got this." Sammy instructed me.
One by one people filtered out. Mostly everyone was laughing, saying what a great time they had. I gave Bilal the key to Lily's room. The plan was me and Lily in a bedroom, Bilal and Noorie in the second one. I had no idea what condition Lily would be in, but they had to get back on the road the next day. I wasn't going to subject them to it.
"Hang in there man..." Bilal told me as they left. I nodded but didn't say anything.
I went into the bedroom and grabbed her a pair of my boxers and a wife beater. I took it to Sammy and Amber.
5 minutes later, Amber came out.
"I gotta call Will and tell him I'm not coming home. She's a mess." Amber said, shaking her head.
"I can drive you home." Corey offered.
"No, it's ok." Amber said.
I heard loud thumping from the bathroom, so I went and checked on them. I knocked on the door.
"Come in." Sammy answered. I opened the door and saw Lily was in the huge bathtub.
"T-REV!!! Let's have a bathtub party!" She exclaimed.
"No." Sammy said, exasperated.
"Sure Lily." I answered.
Lily smiled at Sammy. "See, he gives me whatever I want. That's the least he can do..." Lily said, giving me a pleased smile.
"Right." I sighed. "Why don't you lie down while I get it ready? Get some rest"
She nodded and I led her to the bedroom. I went back out to the living room. I informed Gigi, Amber, Corey and Sammy that she was in bed. Amber and Gigi went to the second room. Corey asked Sammy if she was ready to go to their room.
"I'll meet you there." Sammy responded. After Corey left, she came and sat next to me on the couch.
"So what did you do to set her off?" Sammy asked me.
"Amelia." I said, simply. When Amelia left, she gave me a coy smile. I knew she was behind this, but I was to blame. I should have warned Lily, but she should have come to me too.
"Fucked her recently?"
"No, but Lily doesn't know that."
I never had the 'who have you been with' conversation with a girl. I didn't care as long as she was with me now. It never crossed my mind that I should have told Lily that Amelia and I had a past. I really wanted to forget it.
"Can I give you some advice?" Sammy said.
"I'll take whatever you got." I sighed, turning to her.
"So she fucked Ethan after she found out about us. Dated Jake after you and Becca made it official... See a pattern?" Sammy asked.
"Ok... but I told her I wanted to be with her. I spend any and all of my free time with her. I don't know what else to do to prove I wanna be with her." I admitted, frustrated.
"That's part of the problem. She's packaged all her feelings for you and labeled it as friendship. She doesn't have to worry about being hurt again, because you're just her friend. You give her everything she wants and she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you. It's the perfect set up for her. Why would she want it to change?" Sammy said.
I sat and thought about it. That's how Sammy left me: Thinking about what I should do.
That's why your body's crazy
But you can't run from yourself, that's where it's difficult
Girl I can see in your eyes that there's
Something inside that made you evil
Where did you go?
'Cause it just ain't fair
Over here thinking 'bout the shit you say
Don't know why it gets to me
It cuts right on my eye, yeah it hurt, won't lie
Still can't see, think I saw you with another guy
Fair fight, knocked down, then I got over you
Can't fight no more, you knock me out, what am I supposed to do?" TKO by Justin Timberlake
Trevor's point of view of the b-day party.
"I don't get it! You wanna freelance! Even if Kenji sells, you'll have connections in Austin." Cat said, talking over the house music, gesturing with her hands like she always does when she's excited.
"I didn't invite you to discuss my career." I told her, as I handed her a drink to give her something to do with her hands. The waitress just delivered the bottles of Grey Goose and Bacardi at the club in the hotel.
She took a big gulp of her drink. "I just don't understand what's holding you back!"
I looked over to the table Lily was sitting at. Lily was sandwiched between Amber and Rocky, talking animatedly to the whole table. She had a wide smile on her face as she talked. She looked beautiful. I always joked with her about not needing make-up; truthfully, she didn't, but I always applauded her efforts. Especially tonight, she looked flawless.
I didn't even remember complimenting her on how she looked. I was that blown away. I spent my time in the presidential suite making sure she was having a good time when I wasn't staring at her.
Cam caught me gawking at her numerous times, but he was going to have to get over it. If things went the way I wanted, he would have to get used to it...
"I have a guess." Bilal answered Cat's question, nodding over at Lily.
I grinned. "I'll be right back." I said, standing up. I made my way over to the other table.
"Put that on the list of things I don't need to know about my sister..." Cam said under his breath while everyone else laughed.
"What don't you wanna know?" I asked, sitting down with them.
"My sexual deviancy." Lily said, plainly.
"Ok... subject change." I said, trying not to think of her sexually at all.
As a dude, it always registered to me how sexy she is. In college, she was my best friend. I put her in the no-go category, despite my penis' objections. When she told me she didn't have feelings for me besides brotherly, that was enough to keep my penis in check. I had my slip ups, but for the most part, I ignored my most basic instincts of wanting to see her naked.
Since she told me her feelings were more than just friendly, that rule went out the window. Just thinking about the way she rubbed against me when she thought I was sleeping was enough to give me a boner. It was hard, pun intended. The thought of having a real relationship with her is what kept me at bay. I wanted her, but not just physically. I was willing to settle for holding her until I could have it all.
That didn't mean I could handle any encouragement from her about her sexual deviancy. She was already the star in all of my nightly fantasy. Yes, every night I tested her deviancy in my head. She always passed. Or failed, depending on how you look at it...
I made a remark on how everyone separated themselves to get my mind out the gutter. I watched how Lily's demeanor completely changed. Her joking was no longer light-hearted and friendly. It was bitter. I looked at her empty glass.
"How much have you had to drink Lily?" I asked, after her white supremacist joke. I ignored it cause I knew she knew better.
When she made plans to go to the bar, I tried to get her to stay at the table. At least that way I could monitor how much she was drinking. She was already was mixing liquors and drinking on an empty stomach: two rookie mistakes. She knew better than that too.
I was going to follow her, but Sammy stopped me. "I got her, hang out with your friends." She said it in a way that gave me no choice but to agree.
I nodded and let them go. I hung out with my friends and co-workers. We opened the champagne and were having a great time drinking and joking around.
I ignored Amelia when she stood beside me with Cat. I knew it was a bad idea when I hooked up with her, but this was back when I let my penis do the thinking. I was spending my weekends in Austin, trying to get over Lily. I helped out Cat with a website she was designing for her boyfriend, Kenji. His fans and fan website kept him in Japan for extended periods of time and she wanted to bring the website and him back to America.
At the time, the website was something to do to keep me occupied; Much like Amelia. Amelia was fire wrapped in a tiny, blonde package. She was very much the rock star persona she portrayed on stage. She was so different from Lily that she kept my mind off her. I needed that when Lily started to distance herself from me.
After a night of hard partying, I woke up feeling like crap and decided I didn't wanna continue that way. Maybe I couldn't be with Lily, but I didn't wanna be that guy anymore, so I started spending my time back in Dallas.
By then, Kenji and his friends loved the website. What started out as a way to get over Lily was now an amazing opportunity: an opportunity with lousy timing. I finally got Lily considering a relationship with me. I couldn't lose out on that. That's why I didn't tell her about the job. I couldn't give her a reason not to give us a chance. If the leave of absence request came through, it wouldn't be a problem. I could have both: Lily and the job. I didn't need anything messing that up. Namely, Amelia.
Unfortunately, Amelia was Cat's roommate. Another bad decision by my penis. The funny thing is, when we stopped hooking up, she didn't care. Her interest was piqued when Lily came down for dinner with us before Thanksgiving. She kept asking me who she was. I told her the truth: my friend. She didn't seem convinced. It probably didn't help matters by showing her how pissed I was when she sang that stupid song to me.
The first time we hooked up was after I saw her perform. Cat dragged me out to her show. The last song of the night was "Fuck the Pain Away" by Peaches. Classy, but it was exactly what I needed. Her singing a love song to me was stupid. What we did was nowhere close to love. She was just trying to push my buttons. I saw now that she got off on that. I didn't want her games to impact my job or my relationship.
"What do you want Amelia?" I asked her, when Cat went to the dance floor.
"I can't talk to my friend?" She asked.
"We're not friends." I told her, bluntly.
"Fuck buddies?" Her icy blue eyes flashing with mischief.
"Not even that anymore." I reminded her.
"Does princess know we were?" She asked.
"Princess?" I asked, uninterested.
She pointed to the dance floor. I looked to see Lily grinding on some dude.
"Just asking cause I think we all can be friends. She obviously has great taste in guys." Amelia smirked, before slithering back where she came from.
I watched Lily a while longer as she wrapped her arms around the guy and talked and laughed with him. When Rocky and Brandon pulled her away, I made my way to the dance floor too.
I headed straight for her. I held her in my arms, making sure she was ok and not drinking too much. At the same time, I tried to re-establish the connection between us. Sometimes, there was no doubt in my mind she felt it between us. Like earlier, when I put my arm around her after I first saw her. When she looked into my eyes and told me I was amazing, I felt it. I knew she did too, that's why she was blushing. I felt it ever since she came back, even when she was with Jake. Maybe faint, but it was still there. I was feeling it then, until she pulled away.
I wasn't surprised when she said she was lightheaded. I sent her to the table while I got her some food and water. I was surprised when I came back and saw her drinking, again, with the same dude. I knew something was up when she glared at me while chugging the champagne after I suggested she should slow down. I didn't realize she was mad at me until she stood up and told me she didn't want to talk to me. I followed her, hoping to find out why she was mad. When she blew up, I let it go. I figured we would talk it out later.
We went up to the suite and played games. Lily was blurting out all the obvious dirty answers to the game.
"When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole." Bilal read the card.
"Dick!" Lily blurted out.
"No. A dentist." Bilal laughed. "It's never going to be dick. It's not the dirty answer." He explained to her, again.
She nodded and smiled. She was quiet on the card I read. Amelia went next and Lily talked to Sammy the entire time.
"I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Cat read.
"Cock!" Lily answered, while everyone laughed at her.
"No Lily. Shut up." Amber nudged her.
"Nose!" Rachel answered.
"How did you get that?" Cat asked, surprised.
"There it was. Six inches of pure delight beckoning me to take it in my mouth. I ran my tongue around it and its sweet nuts, but the longer I sucked on it, the smaller it got! What am I?" Forrest read, laughing the entire time.
"Penis! Penis! Penis!!!" Lily laughed too.
"No!" Forrest shook his head at her. No one got it, so Forrest read. "Chocolate bar."
"Close enough, right Rocky?!? Rachel?" Lily asked.
"Lily!" Rachel gasped, embarrassed.
Lily laughed.
"Maybe a jumbo sized chocolate bar!" Brandon exclaimed.
"Rocky calls it fun sized." Lily smiled. Even I couldn't help laughing at that.
"Goodnight everyone!" Rocky stood up, pulling Brandon up to leave. Lily laughed and got up with them.
We had decided to put that game away when a box came flying over my head. I looked up, surprised. When I saw Lily grinning maliciously at me, I knew the night was not going to end well. I had no idea what she wanted from me. I asked what was wrong, she flipped out. I left her alone, she threw stuff at me. I was at a loss: what was I supposed to do?
I went with my third option; If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I started drinking and let her do what she wanted. We would talk tomorrow, after her hangover.
"Have you ever had a hook up with someone you regret?" The first card read.
Everyone drank on that one. I looked at Amelia and took another shot. She glared at me and I laughed.
"Have you ever talked dirty during a prank phone call?"
"Have you ever spied on someone who was changing clothes?"
"Have you ever filmed a homemade porn movie?"
Amelia smirked at me on that one and took a shot. I quickly took one too.
"I'm fucking done with this game!" Lily declared, standing up.
"Why? Sobering up over there?" Gabriel asked her.
"Exactly! I haven't done any of this shit! Fucking perverts." She yelled at us, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Fine. Let's stop." I said, relieved.
"No, just drink for me." Blake offered. She grinned and squeezed in between Gabriel and Blake on the couch.
"Have you ever shared nude pictures of yourself on the internet?"
Blake laughed at Lily. "C'mon! Everyone has done it."
"Have not." Lily replied.
"Snapchat?" Gabriel asked her.
"That's not the internet." Lily laughed.
"Close enough." Gabriel commented. She giggled and drank.
"Have you ever imitated a scene in an adult film?"
I drank, watching as Blake nudged Lily, signaling her to drink for him. She drank, then grabbed the card from Ian.
"I wanna try this one. Gabriel, any acting experience?" Lily asked Gabriel, while staring straight at me. I felt my face heat up and it had nothing to do with the shots.
Gabriel just shook his head. Lily began to pick out cards the cards that she wanted to try with Gabriel. Every single one she made sure to make eye contact with me before asking Gabriel. I kept drinking to ignore her.
"Have you ever given a lapdance?"
She then decided to act out that card with Gabriel. Thankfully, Sammy stopped her. Any buzz I had from drinking was gone. Unfortunately, she wasn't done. She sang "I Don't Fuck with You" to Amelia. I could tell by Amelia smug face she said something to Lily. I tried repeatedly to get her to stop, but it just egged her on. When she told me she didn't fuck with me, I just stared at her.
"I will never fuck with you because-" She stopped and I swear she turned green. I stood up right before she started regurgitating. She had nothing to eat besides gummy bears, so I knew this would be bad. I rushed her to the bathroom. We made it just before she started praying to the porcelain gods. I pulled her hair away and stroked her back.
It would have been funny if I didn't know it was Amelia who got her to this point. Everything Lily did tonight was targeted towards me. I didn't get that. After everything I told her and had done for her, she still couldn't trust or at least talk to me. I thought getting her to admit her feelings was all we needed. I was starting to realize love wouldn't be enough for us.
Sammy came into the bathroom, Amber on her heels.
"Is she ok?" Amber asked.
"She will be." I answered, watching as she shuddered and moaned.
"People are starting to leave. Go say bye. We got this." Sammy instructed me.
One by one people filtered out. Mostly everyone was laughing, saying what a great time they had. I gave Bilal the key to Lily's room. The plan was me and Lily in a bedroom, Bilal and Noorie in the second one. I had no idea what condition Lily would be in, but they had to get back on the road the next day. I wasn't going to subject them to it.
"Hang in there man..." Bilal told me as they left. I nodded but didn't say anything.
I went into the bedroom and grabbed her a pair of my boxers and a wife beater. I took it to Sammy and Amber.
5 minutes later, Amber came out.
"I gotta call Will and tell him I'm not coming home. She's a mess." Amber said, shaking her head.
"I can drive you home." Corey offered.
"No, it's ok." Amber said.
I heard loud thumping from the bathroom, so I went and checked on them. I knocked on the door.
"Come in." Sammy answered. I opened the door and saw Lily was in the huge bathtub.
"T-REV!!! Let's have a bathtub party!" She exclaimed.
"No." Sammy said, exasperated.
"Sure Lily." I answered.
Lily smiled at Sammy. "See, he gives me whatever I want. That's the least he can do..." Lily said, giving me a pleased smile.
"Right." I sighed. "Why don't you lie down while I get it ready? Get some rest"
She nodded and I led her to the bedroom. I went back out to the living room. I informed Gigi, Amber, Corey and Sammy that she was in bed. Amber and Gigi went to the second room. Corey asked Sammy if she was ready to go to their room.
"I'll meet you there." Sammy responded. After Corey left, she came and sat next to me on the couch.
"So what did you do to set her off?" Sammy asked me.
"Amelia." I said, simply. When Amelia left, she gave me a coy smile. I knew she was behind this, but I was to blame. I should have warned Lily, but she should have come to me too.
"Fucked her recently?"
"No, but Lily doesn't know that."
I never had the 'who have you been with' conversation with a girl. I didn't care as long as she was with me now. It never crossed my mind that I should have told Lily that Amelia and I had a past. I really wanted to forget it.
"Can I give you some advice?" Sammy said.
"I'll take whatever you got." I sighed, turning to her.
"So she fucked Ethan after she found out about us. Dated Jake after you and Becca made it official... See a pattern?" Sammy asked.
"Ok... but I told her I wanted to be with her. I spend any and all of my free time with her. I don't know what else to do to prove I wanna be with her." I admitted, frustrated.
"That's part of the problem. She's packaged all her feelings for you and labeled it as friendship. She doesn't have to worry about being hurt again, because you're just her friend. You give her everything she wants and she doesn't have to be in a relationship with you. It's the perfect set up for her. Why would she want it to change?" Sammy said.
I sat and thought about it. That's how Sammy left me: Thinking about what I should do.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Snow
"Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now." Snow by Red Hot Chili Peppers
I groaned miserably as I tried to sit up in bed. My head throbbed as I tried to pick myself up. It wasn't happening. It felt like I was weighed down with big, heavy rocks. My mouth was dry and had a bitter taste stuck in it. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I turned to look at my phone. It said 11:00am. Check out time was 12pm. I had to get up.
Just as I was trying to muster up the strength to sit up, there was a knock on the door to the bedroom, followed by it opening. Amber crept in the room until she noticed I was awake. She gave me a wide smile.
"Hey... How you feeling?" Amber asked.
"What the fuck happened last night?" My voice sounded horrible to my own ears.
"You got white girl wasted. It was brutal." Amber informed me. She walked in with a tall cup of coffee and a Sonic bag. My stomach grumbled angrily and that's what finally gave me the strength to sit up. She handed over the food and I explored the bag. Breakfast burrito, French toast sticks, a sausage toaster and tater tots. I dug in.
"Trevor knew this would wake you up," Amber said, sitting on the bed next to me.
"Where is he?" I asked, rudely, my mouth full of cinnamon, syrup covered bites of heaven.
"He dropped off the food and left. He figured we should let you sleep as long as possible." Amber answered.
I looked around the bedroom. We were in the presidential suite, not our room. I was wearing a man's tank top and boxer shorts. Most likely Trevor's. I could tell by the way the bed was made that I slept alone. Where did Trevor sleep? I felt a sense of dread that made my stomach churn violently.
"Are you gonna be sick?" Amber asked me, concerned.
"No..." I said, gulping down coffee. "Why are we in here? Where did everyone sleep?" I asked.
"You passed out in here. Bilal and Noorie took your room. Gigi and I took the other bedroom." Amber answered.
"Trevor?" I asked.
"The couch."
I frowned. "Was I that bad?"
Amber grinned at me. "What's your definition of bad?"
"Amber..."
She laughed. "Everyone realized you were drunk and it was your birthday. Don't stress."
"What did I do?" I groaned.
"You don't remember?" She asked.
"No!" I said, whining.
"Eat, shower, and change and I'll tell you."
I did as she instructed. I felt human again after the food and a hot shower. My headache would not go away. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Amber opened the curtains and I winced at the sun.
I pulled my hair up in a messy bun before getting dressed. I pulled on my boots before making my way to the living room. Amber, Gigi and Sammy were sitting in the living room area. I joined them with a groan.
"Tylenol?" Gigi asked me.
I nodded and she handed me the bottle. I swallowed two down before looking up at them.
"Who do I need to apologize to?" I asked, sarcastically.
Amber laughed. "I told you everyone was cool. You didn't do anything that bad."
"What did I do?" I asked again.
"We started playing who's the biggest pervert. When you got upset that you hadn't done a lot of the thing on the cards, Blake told you to drink for him. Apparently, that kid has done everything, so you kept drinking." Gigi started.
Ok, that wasn't that bad.
"You also started saving the cards of things you wanted to try-" Amber paused dramatically. "With Gabriel. You asked him to be your partner on a few of them." Amber finished.
Oh fuck.
"What did he say?" I breathed, horrified.
"He just laughed it off, until you acted a card out. You gave him a lap dance." Sammy told me.
Oh God.
"Please tell me I passed out after that." I said, my face burning with shame.
"Not quite. After I pulled you off of Gabriel, you decided to perform for all of us." Amber said.
"You said something like: I dedicate this song to Amelia- you inspired me in Austin and tonight." Gigi continued. "Then you played and sang Big Sean's "I Don't Fuck With You" When Trevor turned it off, you went around the room telling everyone if you fucked with them...if you didn't, you told them why not."
"Oh my fucking God! Why didn't y'all stop me?!?" I exclaimed.
"We tried!" Amber laughed. "I mean, it was nice at first. You fucked with all of us. Of course you said you didn't fuck with Amelia, but we all knew that. You said you were undecided about Noorie and Mara, only because of Rocky."
"Who else did I say I didn't fuck with?" I asked.
"Forrest." Gigi answered.
"What? No way."
"Yes way. Only because people would think you literally fucked him. Then you said you didn't fuck with Rachel because she thought you fucked Forrest." Gigi explained.
I felt like I was going to hurl all the food I just ate.
"What did I say to Serena?" I finally questioned.
"You said you fucked with her." Sammy said. My eyes widened in surprise. "You said she's a bitch, but she's honest. So you respected that."
I nodded. "Blake?"
"You just said ew." Amber giggled.
"Gabriel?" I said, already knowing it was going be bad.
"You would if he would let you," Sammy said.
I put my head in my hands, mortified.
"By then, Trevor tried to get you to sit down and shut up, but you told him you don't fuck with him either. You were about to tell him why when you started gagging." Gigi added.
I looked up then. "Please tell me I did not throw up in front of everyone..."
"No, Trevor got you in the bathroom in time." Sammy said. "He got you cleaned up and changed and into bed after promising you we could have a bathtub party after you took a nap."
"I'm so sorry guys..." I said, pathetically. I was wishing I went home with Rocky now...
"Seriously, it's ok. No need to apologize, but we need to get going. Rocky has my kids right now." Amber said, standing.
"That's right." I remembered Will had to work. "You didn't have to stay."
"I wanted too and Rocky didn't mind."
We gathered up our things and headed to the lobby. As we stood in line to check out, I saw Noorie and Mara step out of the elevators. They walked out the lobby and I saw them meet up with Trevor, Bilal, and Cat standing outside by the car.
"There is one person you should apologize to." Sammy told me.
I just looked at her.
"Trevor." She said when I didn't ask.
I sighed and left Gigi, Amber and Sammy to catch them before they left. When I approached them, the girls gave me sympathetic smiles. Bilal just watched me, curiously. Trevor looked me over before looking away.
"I'm so sorry-" I started.
I stopped when Bilal chuckled. "Don't be sorry. You get a birthday pass."
Noorie stepped up to give me a hug. "We've all been there." She laughed.
I hugged her back with a smile. I looked at Trevor. He watched me, but said and did nothing. When I pulled back, Trevor said, "Thank y'all for coming."
After we said goodbye and they packed up and left, I turned to Trevor.
"Thank you for taking care of me. I'm really sorry." I apologized.
"Ok." He said, plainly.
"That's it? Really Trevor? I'm trying to apologize." I said, annoyed with him and his uncaring attitude.
"I heard you. I forgive you. Now I wanna know why." Trevor said.
"I had too much to drink." I shrugged.
"You drank because you were mad at me. Why?" Trevor said, crossing his arms.
"Amelia told me you're moving to Austin." I blurted out. I debated whether I wanted to have this talk with him. I truly didn't. I didn't want to fight with him, but it was inevitable. I was hurt and pissed that he didn't tell me: about Amelia and Austin.
After everything we talked about and everything we were going through, the least he could do was tell me was the truth. He kept pushing for us to be together. He unearthed feelings that I buried deep. It wasn't fair that he told me what I wanted to hear but not the truth.
"Ok..."
"Ok? How is that remotely ok? You told me you wanted to be with me! You keep saying how I deserve to be treated. I don't deserve to be lied to!" I seethed.
"What makes you think I'm lying to you? Why would you believe what Amelia had to say instead of me?" Trevor questioned me, calmly.
"Because you told her after you fucked her!" I lashed out.
"Is that why you're mad? Because I had sex with her?" Trevor said, indignantly. That pissed me off even more. He had no right to feel self-righteous.
"I shouldn't be surprised that you did. I thought that maybe you really have changed, but obviously not. I just don't understand you! I moved on! I got over you. I didn't care if you wanted to fuck around. I pushed my feelings aside to save our friendship and it's like you want to ruin it!" I exclaimed.
"If you can't even give me the benefit of the doubt and talk to me, we don't have much of a friendship anyway." Trevor said, shaking his head.
"I guess not." I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I turned away from him before he could see them. I joined Amber and Gigi at my car.
"Where's Sammy?" I asked.
"She had to get going... Are you ok?" Amber asked me, studying my face.
"Yeah, just tired. Let's go." I said.
After dropping Amber off at Rocky's house and picking up Justine, I went home. I spent the rest of the day, lazing around and playing with Justine. After I took a nap, I played on my phone, specifically on Facebook and Instagram.
I looked at all the fun pictures from my birthday party. Thank God there was no evidence of my drunken antics posted. I was staring at a picture Jenna posted of me and Trevor. I was looking up at Trevor as he had his arm around me, smiling happily. There was so much admiration in my glance, I would have been embarrassed if Trevor wasn't looking down at me the same exact way. Jenna tagged Trevor and me in it. I couldn't help but wonder if he saw it and what he thought about it. Then I reminded myself I was still pissed at him.
Gabriel friend requested me, so I accepted.
I also finally got my phone switched back to the Samsung Jake bought me. I was relieved afterwards. Change wasn't always the best thing and the iPhone just wasn't working for me. I sent a text to Jake.
Me: Back on team Android. Lol. How was the wedding?
I also sent an apologize text to Rachel and Forrest. Forrest replied right away, telling me no problem.
Hours later as I finished cooking dinner, Jake texted me back.
Jake: Congrats. It was good.
I frowned at his shortness. Maybe he was busy.
------------------
Monday I went to work, so glad my co-workers missed my performance. I told Jordan about them, and she laughed, mad that she missed them.
"I bet you someone has videos..." Jordan said, excitedly as we ate lunch together.
"Not cool Jordan." I said when she laughed harder.
"Guess who was making out at the buffet?..." Jordan asked me.
"I'm hoping Heather and Kendall. Any other combination would be wrong." I said.
"Ding Ding Ding!" Jordan cheered. She filled me in. I listened, thrilled that the drama wasn't about me.
----------------
Tuesday morning, I got around to unpacking my bag. In the corner of my bag sat the jewelry set Ethan got me. It was a beautiful set, with earrings and a pendant on the necklace in the shape of snowflakes. I missed the inscription on the inside of the box. It read:
I never heard the quote before, but it made me stop what I was doing. I don't know if it was me thinking about what I wanted or the blue of the set, but I needed to speak to Trevor. I called him right away.
"Hello?" He asked, quietly. I knew he was at work.
"Hey, can we meet? For lunch. I need to talk to you." I asked.
"Ok. Subway at 11:30."
I got there early and order us sandwiches, chips and cookies. I got three chocolate chip cookies, 1 for me, 2 for him. When he arrived, I smiled at him. He gave me a little nod.
"What did you get?" He asked, unwrapping the sandwich.
"Pastra-mee!" I joked like the commercials. He gave me a weak smile and we ate in silence.
Trevor ate half of the sandwich, before talking again. "What did you wanna talk about?"
"I wanted to ask you about your opportunity in Austin. Are you going to take it?"
"I already have." He answered. My heart sank, and I stared at my food.
"Cat's boyfriend is a graphic novelist. Really popular in Japan. He and his friends started a website, like a Facebook for their community. They upload artwork and scenes and reach out to other artists. It's big over there. They wanna make it big over here too. They want me to help integrate it and build a program from start to finish-"
"That's a lot of nerd talk I don't understand." I bristled, rudely. I knew he was excited, I just couldn't get excited about about something that would take him away from me.
Trevor smiled at me. "That's what I've been doing in Austin on the weekends. Working with Cat on this website."
"So that's what you were doing? When you were spending so much time in Austin? Not fucking Amelia?" I smiled.
"We did sleep together. It didn't mean anything. It was never more than that." Trevor confessed. "It stopped a while ago. Remember when I told you there's something better than sex?"
I nodded.
"It's love. I never felt that with any of the girls I was with. That's what I want now" Trevor explained.
I nodded again, thrilled. Then I thought about what my brother said.
"Cam said you were doing something risky? What are you doing? What might not work out?" I asked.
"I asked for a leave of absence from my job so I can work on the website full time for a month, maybe 2. I decided I'm going to do it, but if I don't get leave, I'm going to quit."
"Why? Are weekends not enough?"
"What weekends? I've been spending them with you." Trevor said. I blushed.
"I'm sorry. Now that I know, I understand. I'll go with you to Austin when I don't have to work and we can hang out during the week." I suggested.
"It's not just you. There's interest in the website being bought already. Cat's boyfriend doesn't want to sell until he at least sees it completed. Cat does want me to move out there. I was planning on taking the leave and working 4 days in Austin and spending 3 days out here, so nothing would have to change." Trevor said.
I beamed. "That's perfect. Now all you're waiting for is the leave from your job?"
"I got it. 2 Months."
"Trevor, that's amazing! Congratulations!" I smiled.
"Lily, I'm spending those 2 months in Austin." Trevor announced.
My smile fell off my lips. "But... why?"
"I'm giving you space. To figure out what you want." He answered.
"I know what I want! I want you!" I protested.
"Yeah, but as what? Your best friend that acts like your boyfriend? I can't do that anymore. I thought if I treated you well and showed you I cared about you, that would be enough..."
"It is!" I cut him off.
"It's not. You listened to some girl you don't even like or know instead of talking to me. You did things deliberately to upset me and push me away. I'm done fighting to be with you. It shouldn't be this hard." Trevor finished.
"I fucked up. I'm sorry." I pleaded with him.
"And I forgive you. I just... I believe you when you say you're not ready for a relationship. If you want to have a friendship, I need time away from you."
Tears formed in my eyes. I didn't leave this time. I let him watch them fall down my face.
"Trevor, I can't push my feelings aside. I tried it before and it didn't work. You said I can work on myself with you. I will. I promise."
He shook his head. "Not when I don't trust you like I should. I'm not saying push your feelings aside."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I'm going to be in Austin for two months. After that, we'll see what happens."
I didn't say anything. He reached over to wipe the tears from my face. I closed my eyes, wishing I could recoil from his touch. I wished it filled me with anger. I wished I could hate him.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I loved him, even if it broke my heart.
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now." Snow by Red Hot Chili Peppers
I groaned miserably as I tried to sit up in bed. My head throbbed as I tried to pick myself up. It wasn't happening. It felt like I was weighed down with big, heavy rocks. My mouth was dry and had a bitter taste stuck in it. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I turned to look at my phone. It said 11:00am. Check out time was 12pm. I had to get up.
Just as I was trying to muster up the strength to sit up, there was a knock on the door to the bedroom, followed by it opening. Amber crept in the room until she noticed I was awake. She gave me a wide smile.
"Hey... How you feeling?" Amber asked.
"What the fuck happened last night?" My voice sounded horrible to my own ears.
"You got white girl wasted. It was brutal." Amber informed me. She walked in with a tall cup of coffee and a Sonic bag. My stomach grumbled angrily and that's what finally gave me the strength to sit up. She handed over the food and I explored the bag. Breakfast burrito, French toast sticks, a sausage toaster and tater tots. I dug in.
"Trevor knew this would wake you up," Amber said, sitting on the bed next to me.
"Where is he?" I asked, rudely, my mouth full of cinnamon, syrup covered bites of heaven.
"He dropped off the food and left. He figured we should let you sleep as long as possible." Amber answered.
I looked around the bedroom. We were in the presidential suite, not our room. I was wearing a man's tank top and boxer shorts. Most likely Trevor's. I could tell by the way the bed was made that I slept alone. Where did Trevor sleep? I felt a sense of dread that made my stomach churn violently.
"Are you gonna be sick?" Amber asked me, concerned.
"No..." I said, gulping down coffee. "Why are we in here? Where did everyone sleep?" I asked.
"You passed out in here. Bilal and Noorie took your room. Gigi and I took the other bedroom." Amber answered.
"Trevor?" I asked.
"The couch."
I frowned. "Was I that bad?"
Amber grinned at me. "What's your definition of bad?"
"Amber..."
She laughed. "Everyone realized you were drunk and it was your birthday. Don't stress."
"What did I do?" I groaned.
"You don't remember?" She asked.
"No!" I said, whining.
"Eat, shower, and change and I'll tell you."
I did as she instructed. I felt human again after the food and a hot shower. My headache would not go away. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Amber opened the curtains and I winced at the sun.
I pulled my hair up in a messy bun before getting dressed. I pulled on my boots before making my way to the living room. Amber, Gigi and Sammy were sitting in the living room area. I joined them with a groan.
"Tylenol?" Gigi asked me.
I nodded and she handed me the bottle. I swallowed two down before looking up at them.
"Who do I need to apologize to?" I asked, sarcastically.
Amber laughed. "I told you everyone was cool. You didn't do anything that bad."
"What did I do?" I asked again.
"We started playing who's the biggest pervert. When you got upset that you hadn't done a lot of the thing on the cards, Blake told you to drink for him. Apparently, that kid has done everything, so you kept drinking." Gigi started.
Ok, that wasn't that bad.
"You also started saving the cards of things you wanted to try-" Amber paused dramatically. "With Gabriel. You asked him to be your partner on a few of them." Amber finished.
Oh fuck.
"What did he say?" I breathed, horrified.
"He just laughed it off, until you acted a card out. You gave him a lap dance." Sammy told me.
Oh God.
"Please tell me I passed out after that." I said, my face burning with shame.
"Not quite. After I pulled you off of Gabriel, you decided to perform for all of us." Amber said.
"You said something like: I dedicate this song to Amelia- you inspired me in Austin and tonight." Gigi continued. "Then you played and sang Big Sean's "I Don't Fuck With You" When Trevor turned it off, you went around the room telling everyone if you fucked with them...if you didn't, you told them why not."
"Oh my fucking God! Why didn't y'all stop me?!?" I exclaimed.
"We tried!" Amber laughed. "I mean, it was nice at first. You fucked with all of us. Of course you said you didn't fuck with Amelia, but we all knew that. You said you were undecided about Noorie and Mara, only because of Rocky."
"Who else did I say I didn't fuck with?" I asked.
"Forrest." Gigi answered.
"What? No way."
"Yes way. Only because people would think you literally fucked him. Then you said you didn't fuck with Rachel because she thought you fucked Forrest." Gigi explained.
I felt like I was going to hurl all the food I just ate.
"What did I say to Serena?" I finally questioned.
"You said you fucked with her." Sammy said. My eyes widened in surprise. "You said she's a bitch, but she's honest. So you respected that."
I nodded. "Blake?"
"You just said ew." Amber giggled.
"Gabriel?" I said, already knowing it was going be bad.
"You would if he would let you," Sammy said.
I put my head in my hands, mortified.
"By then, Trevor tried to get you to sit down and shut up, but you told him you don't fuck with him either. You were about to tell him why when you started gagging." Gigi added.
I looked up then. "Please tell me I did not throw up in front of everyone..."
"No, Trevor got you in the bathroom in time." Sammy said. "He got you cleaned up and changed and into bed after promising you we could have a bathtub party after you took a nap."
"I'm so sorry guys..." I said, pathetically. I was wishing I went home with Rocky now...
"Seriously, it's ok. No need to apologize, but we need to get going. Rocky has my kids right now." Amber said, standing.
"That's right." I remembered Will had to work. "You didn't have to stay."
"I wanted too and Rocky didn't mind."
We gathered up our things and headed to the lobby. As we stood in line to check out, I saw Noorie and Mara step out of the elevators. They walked out the lobby and I saw them meet up with Trevor, Bilal, and Cat standing outside by the car.
"There is one person you should apologize to." Sammy told me.
I just looked at her.
"Trevor." She said when I didn't ask.
I sighed and left Gigi, Amber and Sammy to catch them before they left. When I approached them, the girls gave me sympathetic smiles. Bilal just watched me, curiously. Trevor looked me over before looking away.
"I'm so sorry-" I started.
I stopped when Bilal chuckled. "Don't be sorry. You get a birthday pass."
Noorie stepped up to give me a hug. "We've all been there." She laughed.
I hugged her back with a smile. I looked at Trevor. He watched me, but said and did nothing. When I pulled back, Trevor said, "Thank y'all for coming."
After we said goodbye and they packed up and left, I turned to Trevor.
"Thank you for taking care of me. I'm really sorry." I apologized.
"Ok." He said, plainly.
"That's it? Really Trevor? I'm trying to apologize." I said, annoyed with him and his uncaring attitude.
"I heard you. I forgive you. Now I wanna know why." Trevor said.
"I had too much to drink." I shrugged.
"You drank because you were mad at me. Why?" Trevor said, crossing his arms.
"Amelia told me you're moving to Austin." I blurted out. I debated whether I wanted to have this talk with him. I truly didn't. I didn't want to fight with him, but it was inevitable. I was hurt and pissed that he didn't tell me: about Amelia and Austin.
After everything we talked about and everything we were going through, the least he could do was tell me was the truth. He kept pushing for us to be together. He unearthed feelings that I buried deep. It wasn't fair that he told me what I wanted to hear but not the truth.
"Ok..."
"Ok? How is that remotely ok? You told me you wanted to be with me! You keep saying how I deserve to be treated. I don't deserve to be lied to!" I seethed.
"What makes you think I'm lying to you? Why would you believe what Amelia had to say instead of me?" Trevor questioned me, calmly.
"Because you told her after you fucked her!" I lashed out.
"Is that why you're mad? Because I had sex with her?" Trevor said, indignantly. That pissed me off even more. He had no right to feel self-righteous.
"I shouldn't be surprised that you did. I thought that maybe you really have changed, but obviously not. I just don't understand you! I moved on! I got over you. I didn't care if you wanted to fuck around. I pushed my feelings aside to save our friendship and it's like you want to ruin it!" I exclaimed.
"If you can't even give me the benefit of the doubt and talk to me, we don't have much of a friendship anyway." Trevor said, shaking his head.
"I guess not." I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I turned away from him before he could see them. I joined Amber and Gigi at my car.
"Where's Sammy?" I asked.
"She had to get going... Are you ok?" Amber asked me, studying my face.
"Yeah, just tired. Let's go." I said.
After dropping Amber off at Rocky's house and picking up Justine, I went home. I spent the rest of the day, lazing around and playing with Justine. After I took a nap, I played on my phone, specifically on Facebook and Instagram.
I looked at all the fun pictures from my birthday party. Thank God there was no evidence of my drunken antics posted. I was staring at a picture Jenna posted of me and Trevor. I was looking up at Trevor as he had his arm around me, smiling happily. There was so much admiration in my glance, I would have been embarrassed if Trevor wasn't looking down at me the same exact way. Jenna tagged Trevor and me in it. I couldn't help but wonder if he saw it and what he thought about it. Then I reminded myself I was still pissed at him.
Gabriel friend requested me, so I accepted.
I also finally got my phone switched back to the Samsung Jake bought me. I was relieved afterwards. Change wasn't always the best thing and the iPhone just wasn't working for me. I sent a text to Jake.
Me: Back on team Android. Lol. How was the wedding?
I also sent an apologize text to Rachel and Forrest. Forrest replied right away, telling me no problem.
Hours later as I finished cooking dinner, Jake texted me back.
Jake: Congrats. It was good.
I frowned at his shortness. Maybe he was busy.
------------------
Monday I went to work, so glad my co-workers missed my performance. I told Jordan about them, and she laughed, mad that she missed them.
"I bet you someone has videos..." Jordan said, excitedly as we ate lunch together.
"Not cool Jordan." I said when she laughed harder.
"Guess who was making out at the buffet?..." Jordan asked me.
"I'm hoping Heather and Kendall. Any other combination would be wrong." I said.
"Ding Ding Ding!" Jordan cheered. She filled me in. I listened, thrilled that the drama wasn't about me.
----------------
Tuesday morning, I got around to unpacking my bag. In the corner of my bag sat the jewelry set Ethan got me. It was a beautiful set, with earrings and a pendant on the necklace in the shape of snowflakes. I missed the inscription on the inside of the box. It read:
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.”
I never heard the quote before, but it made me stop what I was doing. I don't know if it was me thinking about what I wanted or the blue of the set, but I needed to speak to Trevor. I called him right away.
"Hello?" He asked, quietly. I knew he was at work.
"Hey, can we meet? For lunch. I need to talk to you." I asked.
"Ok. Subway at 11:30."
I got there early and order us sandwiches, chips and cookies. I got three chocolate chip cookies, 1 for me, 2 for him. When he arrived, I smiled at him. He gave me a little nod.
"What did you get?" He asked, unwrapping the sandwich.
"Pastra-mee!" I joked like the commercials. He gave me a weak smile and we ate in silence.
Trevor ate half of the sandwich, before talking again. "What did you wanna talk about?"
"I wanted to ask you about your opportunity in Austin. Are you going to take it?"
"I already have." He answered. My heart sank, and I stared at my food.
"Cat's boyfriend is a graphic novelist. Really popular in Japan. He and his friends started a website, like a Facebook for their community. They upload artwork and scenes and reach out to other artists. It's big over there. They wanna make it big over here too. They want me to help integrate it and build a program from start to finish-"
"That's a lot of nerd talk I don't understand." I bristled, rudely. I knew he was excited, I just couldn't get excited about about something that would take him away from me.
Trevor smiled at me. "That's what I've been doing in Austin on the weekends. Working with Cat on this website."
"So that's what you were doing? When you were spending so much time in Austin? Not fucking Amelia?" I smiled.
"We did sleep together. It didn't mean anything. It was never more than that." Trevor confessed. "It stopped a while ago. Remember when I told you there's something better than sex?"
I nodded.
"It's love. I never felt that with any of the girls I was with. That's what I want now" Trevor explained.
I nodded again, thrilled. Then I thought about what my brother said.
"Cam said you were doing something risky? What are you doing? What might not work out?" I asked.
"I asked for a leave of absence from my job so I can work on the website full time for a month, maybe 2. I decided I'm going to do it, but if I don't get leave, I'm going to quit."
"Why? Are weekends not enough?"
"What weekends? I've been spending them with you." Trevor said. I blushed.
"I'm sorry. Now that I know, I understand. I'll go with you to Austin when I don't have to work and we can hang out during the week." I suggested.
"It's not just you. There's interest in the website being bought already. Cat's boyfriend doesn't want to sell until he at least sees it completed. Cat does want me to move out there. I was planning on taking the leave and working 4 days in Austin and spending 3 days out here, so nothing would have to change." Trevor said.
I beamed. "That's perfect. Now all you're waiting for is the leave from your job?"
"I got it. 2 Months."
"Trevor, that's amazing! Congratulations!" I smiled.
"Lily, I'm spending those 2 months in Austin." Trevor announced.
My smile fell off my lips. "But... why?"
"I'm giving you space. To figure out what you want." He answered.
"I know what I want! I want you!" I protested.
"Yeah, but as what? Your best friend that acts like your boyfriend? I can't do that anymore. I thought if I treated you well and showed you I cared about you, that would be enough..."
"It is!" I cut him off.
"It's not. You listened to some girl you don't even like or know instead of talking to me. You did things deliberately to upset me and push me away. I'm done fighting to be with you. It shouldn't be this hard." Trevor finished.
"I fucked up. I'm sorry." I pleaded with him.
"And I forgive you. I just... I believe you when you say you're not ready for a relationship. If you want to have a friendship, I need time away from you."
Tears formed in my eyes. I didn't leave this time. I let him watch them fall down my face.
"Trevor, I can't push my feelings aside. I tried it before and it didn't work. You said I can work on myself with you. I will. I promise."
He shook his head. "Not when I don't trust you like I should. I'm not saying push your feelings aside."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying I'm going to be in Austin for two months. After that, we'll see what happens."
I didn't say anything. He reached over to wipe the tears from my face. I closed my eyes, wishing I could recoil from his touch. I wished it filled me with anger. I wished I could hate him.
But I didn't. I couldn't. I loved him, even if it broke my heart.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Bulletproof Outro
"I won't let you in again
The messages I tried to send
My information's just not going in
I'm burning bridges shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof." Bulletproof by La Roux
When we got downstairs to the hotel lobby, I saw Rachel and Forrest's group waiting at the entrance of Club 8.
"Hey! Thanks for coming!" I greeted them, loudly.
Blake did a double take when he saw me. "Wow, you look good!"
"Just good?" I said, with a teasing smile as I hugged him.
"Gorgeous!" He corrected.
"Thank you." I laughed. I acknowledged Serena and Gabriel with a nod. Serena was her normal, standoff-ish self, but I gave her a huge smile and complimented her black dress. I understood her being protective of Rachel and possessive of Blake. Been there, done that with my friends. I excused her bitchiness.
"How did Darren look last night?" I asked Forrest after I hugged him and Rachel.
"They were all over him, but it opened up our wide receivers. Championship is next week!" Forrest informed me.
"Are you going?" I asked Rachel.
"Yes, let's plan to go together." Rachel smiled at me.
Trevor came and retrieved us when it was time to go in. A VIP hostess led us to our section. The club itself was already crowded and the light show paired with the music would have put me in a festive mood if I wasn't already determined to have a great time.
Our section consisted of two tables across from each other surrounded by leather couches. Each table had glasses, ice, juices, and a bottle of champagne already set out. A cocktail waitress came by and took our bottle orders. Trevor sat by me as we decided on Grey Goose and Bacardi Rum. As soon as the waitress left, I stood up and got my brother's attention.
"Come meet Forrest! He's getting married next year too!" I said, leaving Trevor's side to lead Cam and Jenna to the other table.
Rocky, Peyton, Chris and Forrest's group sat at the other table when the couches by the first table filled up. Q, Yolanda, Heather and Kendall headed to the dance floor. I motioned for Jordan to follow me. This would be the perfect time to surround Derek with marriage minded guys.
Forrest and Rachel were chatting with Rocky when I introduced them to Cam and Jenna, adding, "They just got engaged! They're getting married sometime next year too!"
"Congratulations." Forrest said, standing up to shake my brother's hand.
"Thank you. You too." Cam returned. When we all sat down, Forrest asked him, "Have y'all set a date yet?"
I sat back, satisfied. Now that they were conversing about wedding plans and other couple shit, my work was done. I smiled happily as Amber, Sammy, Corey, Lamar and Patrick joined our table.
Unfortunately, my eyes wandered straight to Trevor after that. He was talking to Bilal and Cat directly across from me, but Amelia occupied the seat I just to the left of Trevor. She noticed me watching and smiled, sweetly. I glared at her. The waitress blocked my vision of her as she set down the alcohol. I poured myself a cranberry and vodka right away.
Trying to force Amelia and Trevor out of my mind, I danced around to the mix of Justin Timberlake's "TKO."
"It sounds so much better live." I bragged to Amber. She laughed.
"I know right!" She agreed.
"I'm still pissed off we didn't go!" Patrick said, giving Lamar a pointed look.
Lamar shrugged. "I sat through the On The Run tour for you. Be happy for that."
"You wanted to see Jay Z live!" Patrick countered.
"Not with Beyonce!" Lamar argued.
That led to a playful discussion of the worst concerts we've been to.
"Sam Smith-" Derek started.
The girls all hissed and booed at him.
"His music is ok!" Derek said quickly. "Why does he always look like he's in pain when he sings?" Derek asked, looking at Jordan in mock pain.
"Because he is! His album was all about unrequited love!" Jordan replied.
No wonder I loved his album so much...
"Remember when we went to that EDM festival, for your ex? Who was playing that she wanted to see?" Blake asked Gabriel.
"3OH!3" Gabriel said, shaking his head.
"My God they were awful!..." Blake declared.
"I don't know them..." Serena said, confused.
"They had one popular song." Gabriel told her. "I don't remember how it went-"
"Shush girl! Shut your lips! Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips!" I chanted over the music. That line from their song is what stood out in my mind.
Gabriel laughed. "That's it."
"They weren't that awful. They had a few more songs too." I smiled.
"Then you had a bunch of kids tweaking out on drugs. I hate electronic music to this day." Blake stated.
"You hate everything that's not country Blake." Serena laughed with him.
"That's right! Everything else all sounds the same." Blake agreed.
"Corey likes country too!" Sammy ousted him.
"I listen to everything. I like rock. Nowadays, most rock musicians fall into the country category." Corey explained.
"Don't be ashamed. Not everybody wants to hear sex, money, drugs." Blake declared.
I laughed at his passionate argument. I caught Gabriel watching me before he laughed at Blake too.
"I hear that. That's why I like the old hip hop and R&B that I grew up listening too." Forrest added.
"Yeah, like Keith Sweat?" Rachel cracked.
"At least it was subtle, not like today" Rocky agreed with a smirk.
"Those songs were just as bad! I remembered my dad freaking out on me cause I was singing Ginuwine's "Pony"!"
I explained how I was singing it while I washed the dishes. In my youth, I didn't understand the meaning of the lyrics "If you're horny, let's do it. Ride it. My pony." My dad heard me and lost it.
"Remember that Cam?" I asked my brother. He nodded as I continued. "He cursed at me in Spanish, then switched to English and was like: "What are you singing? Where did you hear that?!?" I said, in my gruff impersonation of my dad's voice. "He took my stereo away from me and sent me to room. Cam just gave me his clock radio and I looked up the lyrics when he was at work to see what it meant." I finished telling the story while everyone laughed at me.
"You never were the same right?" Blake asked me.
"Nope. My dad made such a big deal out of it, I had to know. I've been a sexual deviant ever since." I finished.
"Put that on the list of things I don't need to know about my sister..." Cam muttered while everyone laughed again.
"What don't you wanna know?" Trevor asked, smiling as he joined us.
"My sexual deviancy." I answered, with no other explanation.
"Ok... subject change." Trevor said. "Notice how everyone separated themselves: Austin over there, Dallas over here."
"I saw that too." Corey nodded.
"Aren't you sitting on the wrong side then?" I asked him, tilting my head at him.
"No. I'm anti-segregation." Trevor joked.
I snickered in my drink. "Liar. You're just like John Mayer: Your dick is a white supremacist."
Gabriel laughed into his drink when he heard me. I gave him a smile.
"How much have you had to drink Lily?" Trevor asked, blowing off my insult. That infuriated me.
"Not enough." I said, standing. "Shots at the bar?" I asked them, turning away for Trevor.
"There's plenty of alcohol here." Trevor pointed out.
"Not what I want." I said, turning to glare at him. He didn't engage with me; he just watched me, concerned.
Sammy, Corey, Amber, Patrick, Gabriel, Blake and I made our way to the bar. We ordered a round of shots, drank them and paired off to go on the dance floor.
"Dance with me?" Blake asked me.
I shook my head. "Go dance with Serena!"
"The birthday girl should be dancing." Blake told me.
"You are so right." I turned to Gabriel. "Dance with me?" I asked.
"I don't dance." He denied.
"Can't." Blake smiled, holding his hand out for me.
I gave Gabriel what I hoped was a seductive smile.
"It's my birthday. You can't say no. Besides, guys don't have to know how to dance, just how to get danced on." I pleaded, grabbing his arm.
He nodded, and I smiled as I led him to the dance floor. Just like I said, he watched as I danced on him. I was having a great time, dancing around him and singing/rapping along to the music.
"How old did you turn?" Gabriel asked me in my ear as I danced, my back against his front.
"26!" I said, loudly over the music, turning my head so he could hear me.
"What do you do?" He asked.
"I'm an Instagram model." I lied.
Gabriel chuckled. "No, really."
I turned around when I realized he was intent on talking to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and moved in close.
"You don't believe me?" I exclaimed.
"I doubt a model would have their profile private." Gabriel replied.
"So, you've been stalking me?" I grinned.
"Wouldn't you look into someone that threatened to kill you?" He asked.
I laughed. "You asked for it."
"I didn't think you actually played Mortal Kombat. I thought you were dressing up for a boyfriend. I figured it would go over your head."
"1, I did, one of my favorite games growing up. 2, no boyfriend to dress up for, and 3 nothing goes over my head." I listed.
"I believe you." He said, smiling.
Fuck, he had an amazing smile. Everything about his looks were amazing. If the alcohol wasn't racing through my system, I would have been intimated by his good looks. His dark blue eyes were piercing as they scanned me. I wish I had more alcohol in my system so that his shade of blue eyes did something for me...
I force that thought away and kept dancing to keep my mind off Trevor and his stupid eye color.
When Brandon showed up, he came and gave me a hug. I excused myself from Gabriel to dance with him and Rocky. I danced with everyone and was having a blast until Trevor came to dance with me.
"Are you having fun?" He asked, pulling me close even though it was a faster song.
"I am." I answered shortly.
"Good. I thought you were turning into a mean drunk a while ago." Trevor grinned at me, his hands caressing my back as he moved me against him.
"Mmmph." I mummered, trying to seem unfazed by his presence... and smile... and feel... and smell and... oh fuck, it wasn't working. All those feelings I thought were gone came rushing back. I already came to the realization I had feelings for Trevor. I just didn't know how deep they were. I knew now. I wanted him like I did in college. Just as strong, maybe stronger, like it never went away...
I pulled away from him abruptly.
"What's wrong?" He asked me.
"Nothing." I lied. "Just lightheaded. I need to sit down."
"Ok. Go. I'll get you some water." Trevor responded.
I went back to the table. Everyone was up, dancing, drinking or exploring the club. I headed towards Gabriel who was sipping champagne, watching the dance floor.
I joined him watching the dancers too. Blake was an amazing dancer considering he didn't like the style of music. I watched him dancing with Rachel and Serena.
"How well do you know Blake?" Gabriel asked me.
"Not at all. We hung out a little when Rachel tried to force him on me to keep me away from Forrest." I told him, honestly.
"How'd that work out?"
"It didn't. Blake is not my type, at all." I answered.
"No, I meant keeping you away from Forrest?"
"Completely unnecessary. Engaged guys aren't my type either."
"Let me guess. Your type is short hair, blue eyes?" He asked.
I grinned. "Did you really just describe yourself?"
"I fit the description, but not who I was talking about." He trailed off.
I tensed, knowing he was talking about Trevor. I turned away from him and sat down on the couch. Gabriel followed me.
"So what's that story? Is he your ex?"
I shook my head. "No, just friends."
"Potentially more?" He asked.
I shook my head again. Not if he was moving to Austin. Not if he couldn't even tell me about it. Not if was fucking around with evil blonde hair, blue eyed bitches...
"I don't want a relationship." I said, trying to convince him and myself. "Too much work and hardly ever worth it."
"I hear that." He said, handing me a glass of champagne.
"Happy Birthday." Gabriel said simply, as we clinked glasses. I smiled and sipped the sweet, bubbly drink. He had me laughing as he explained how he and Blake met after I asked. I was laughing hard at his fraternity stories when Trevor joined us, with water and bruschetta.
Why did he have to be so sweet? It's maddening.
"You should probably stop drinking if you feel lightheaded." Trevor told me, sitting the food in front of me.
"I think it was all the lights." I said. "But thanks."
"You should still slow down." He said.
I drank the rest of my champagne, defiantly.
"Can you excuse us for a minute?" Trevor asked Gabriel.
"No..." I answered.
"Sure." Gabriel replied, giving me a little smile before leaving.
"What is wrong with you?" Trevor asked me.
"Nothing." I said, looking away from him.
"I know you better than that-"
"Then you should know I don't wanna talk to you!" I exclaimed, standing up.
"So you are mad at me. Why?"
I ignored him, leaving the VIP section and heading towards the exit.
"Lily-" he followed me.
"Will you just leave me alone?" I protested. "I just wanna have one night, completely drama free. Is that possible?"
"It would be if you opened your mouth and talked to me!" Trevor said. I could tell he was getting frustrated, which egged me on.
"I'm so sick of guys thinking they can make me do shit! I do what I want! Right now I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna think. I just wanna have fun. Is that alright with you Trevor?!? Do I have your permission? Cause that's what I'm gonna do whether you like it or not!!!" I yelled at him. People were watching us, but I was too far gone to care.
Trevor nodded. "Fine. Do what you want."
That's exactly what I did for the rest of the night. At last call, I hugged Cam and Jenna goodbye. Everyone else went up to the suite or the buffet that opened. I went up to the suite. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Jake.
Jake: I won't be able to make it. Have fun.
I giggled. I figured that out hours ago and I didn't need his permission to have fun either.
"I've got something for you." Brandon told me as he and Rocky got ready to leave. Everyone was in the living room playing a hilarious drunk round of Dirty Minds. Apparently, that's all any one had at 2 in the morning after drinking and dancing. I turned around to see him holding a jewelry box.
"Really Brandon? Rocky will kill me if I accept jewelry from you." I told him.
"It's not from me." He said.
I looked at him suspiciously and opened the box. It was a beautiful set in blue topaz, my birthstone.
"Don't shoot the messenger, but I figured jewelry is the least he could do..."
"Ethan?" I asked.
When Brandon nodded, I threw the box across the room, dangerously close to hitting Trevor as he sat next to Amelia. Ok, not next to, but in the same general area. I gave him an evil smile.
"Lily-" Brandon said, shocked as Trevor looked at me. Trevor was shocked too, but he also looked angry and hurt.
"Whatever you're about to say, don't." I cut him off, looking at him menacingly.
Brandon nodded. I turned to Rocky.
"Give Justine a kiss for me!" I told her with a smile.
"Maybe you should come and give her one yourself..." Rocky said, trying to pull me outside the hotel door.
"No, I'll see y'all tomorrow."
"I'm serious Lily. You need to calm down and stop drinking." Rocky started.
"I'm fine. Good night!" I cut her off, going to rejoin the party. My first stop was the bowl of gummy bears. I used them as a garnish for the champagne I was drinking.
That's the last full memory I had of the night. I woke up Sunday morning in a hotel bed, hung over and hurting.
I didn't remember if I had fun the remainder of the night, but I was sure I felt no pain.
The messages I tried to send
My information's just not going in
I'm burning bridges shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof." Bulletproof by La Roux
When we got downstairs to the hotel lobby, I saw Rachel and Forrest's group waiting at the entrance of Club 8.
"Hey! Thanks for coming!" I greeted them, loudly.
Blake did a double take when he saw me. "Wow, you look good!"
"Just good?" I said, with a teasing smile as I hugged him.
"Gorgeous!" He corrected.
"Thank you." I laughed. I acknowledged Serena and Gabriel with a nod. Serena was her normal, standoff-ish self, but I gave her a huge smile and complimented her black dress. I understood her being protective of Rachel and possessive of Blake. Been there, done that with my friends. I excused her bitchiness.
"How did Darren look last night?" I asked Forrest after I hugged him and Rachel.
"They were all over him, but it opened up our wide receivers. Championship is next week!" Forrest informed me.
"Are you going?" I asked Rachel.
"Yes, let's plan to go together." Rachel smiled at me.
Trevor came and retrieved us when it was time to go in. A VIP hostess led us to our section. The club itself was already crowded and the light show paired with the music would have put me in a festive mood if I wasn't already determined to have a great time.
Our section consisted of two tables across from each other surrounded by leather couches. Each table had glasses, ice, juices, and a bottle of champagne already set out. A cocktail waitress came by and took our bottle orders. Trevor sat by me as we decided on Grey Goose and Bacardi Rum. As soon as the waitress left, I stood up and got my brother's attention.
"Come meet Forrest! He's getting married next year too!" I said, leaving Trevor's side to lead Cam and Jenna to the other table.
Rocky, Peyton, Chris and Forrest's group sat at the other table when the couches by the first table filled up. Q, Yolanda, Heather and Kendall headed to the dance floor. I motioned for Jordan to follow me. This would be the perfect time to surround Derek with marriage minded guys.
Forrest and Rachel were chatting with Rocky when I introduced them to Cam and Jenna, adding, "They just got engaged! They're getting married sometime next year too!"
"Congratulations." Forrest said, standing up to shake my brother's hand.
"Thank you. You too." Cam returned. When we all sat down, Forrest asked him, "Have y'all set a date yet?"
I sat back, satisfied. Now that they were conversing about wedding plans and other couple shit, my work was done. I smiled happily as Amber, Sammy, Corey, Lamar and Patrick joined our table.
Unfortunately, my eyes wandered straight to Trevor after that. He was talking to Bilal and Cat directly across from me, but Amelia occupied the seat I just to the left of Trevor. She noticed me watching and smiled, sweetly. I glared at her. The waitress blocked my vision of her as she set down the alcohol. I poured myself a cranberry and vodka right away.
Trying to force Amelia and Trevor out of my mind, I danced around to the mix of Justin Timberlake's "TKO."
"It sounds so much better live." I bragged to Amber. She laughed.
"I know right!" She agreed.
"I'm still pissed off we didn't go!" Patrick said, giving Lamar a pointed look.
Lamar shrugged. "I sat through the On The Run tour for you. Be happy for that."
"You wanted to see Jay Z live!" Patrick countered.
"Not with Beyonce!" Lamar argued.
That led to a playful discussion of the worst concerts we've been to.
"Sam Smith-" Derek started.
The girls all hissed and booed at him.
"His music is ok!" Derek said quickly. "Why does he always look like he's in pain when he sings?" Derek asked, looking at Jordan in mock pain.
"Because he is! His album was all about unrequited love!" Jordan replied.
No wonder I loved his album so much...
"Remember when we went to that EDM festival, for your ex? Who was playing that she wanted to see?" Blake asked Gabriel.
"3OH!3" Gabriel said, shaking his head.
"My God they were awful!..." Blake declared.
"I don't know them..." Serena said, confused.
"They had one popular song." Gabriel told her. "I don't remember how it went-"
"Shush girl! Shut your lips! Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips!" I chanted over the music. That line from their song is what stood out in my mind.
Gabriel laughed. "That's it."
"They weren't that awful. They had a few more songs too." I smiled.
"Then you had a bunch of kids tweaking out on drugs. I hate electronic music to this day." Blake stated.
"You hate everything that's not country Blake." Serena laughed with him.
"That's right! Everything else all sounds the same." Blake agreed.
"Corey likes country too!" Sammy ousted him.
"I listen to everything. I like rock. Nowadays, most rock musicians fall into the country category." Corey explained.
"Don't be ashamed. Not everybody wants to hear sex, money, drugs." Blake declared.
I laughed at his passionate argument. I caught Gabriel watching me before he laughed at Blake too.
"I hear that. That's why I like the old hip hop and R&B that I grew up listening too." Forrest added.
"Yeah, like Keith Sweat?" Rachel cracked.
"At least it was subtle, not like today" Rocky agreed with a smirk.
"Those songs were just as bad! I remembered my dad freaking out on me cause I was singing Ginuwine's "Pony"!"
I explained how I was singing it while I washed the dishes. In my youth, I didn't understand the meaning of the lyrics "If you're horny, let's do it. Ride it. My pony." My dad heard me and lost it.
"Remember that Cam?" I asked my brother. He nodded as I continued. "He cursed at me in Spanish, then switched to English and was like: "What are you singing? Where did you hear that?!?" I said, in my gruff impersonation of my dad's voice. "He took my stereo away from me and sent me to room. Cam just gave me his clock radio and I looked up the lyrics when he was at work to see what it meant." I finished telling the story while everyone laughed at me.
"You never were the same right?" Blake asked me.
"Nope. My dad made such a big deal out of it, I had to know. I've been a sexual deviant ever since." I finished.
"Put that on the list of things I don't need to know about my sister..." Cam muttered while everyone laughed again.
"What don't you wanna know?" Trevor asked, smiling as he joined us.
"My sexual deviancy." I answered, with no other explanation.
"Ok... subject change." Trevor said. "Notice how everyone separated themselves: Austin over there, Dallas over here."
"I saw that too." Corey nodded.
"Aren't you sitting on the wrong side then?" I asked him, tilting my head at him.
"No. I'm anti-segregation." Trevor joked.
I snickered in my drink. "Liar. You're just like John Mayer: Your dick is a white supremacist."
Gabriel laughed into his drink when he heard me. I gave him a smile.
"How much have you had to drink Lily?" Trevor asked, blowing off my insult. That infuriated me.
"Not enough." I said, standing. "Shots at the bar?" I asked them, turning away for Trevor.
"There's plenty of alcohol here." Trevor pointed out.
"Not what I want." I said, turning to glare at him. He didn't engage with me; he just watched me, concerned.
Sammy, Corey, Amber, Patrick, Gabriel, Blake and I made our way to the bar. We ordered a round of shots, drank them and paired off to go on the dance floor.
"Dance with me?" Blake asked me.
I shook my head. "Go dance with Serena!"
"The birthday girl should be dancing." Blake told me.
"You are so right." I turned to Gabriel. "Dance with me?" I asked.
"I don't dance." He denied.
"Can't." Blake smiled, holding his hand out for me.
I gave Gabriel what I hoped was a seductive smile.
"It's my birthday. You can't say no. Besides, guys don't have to know how to dance, just how to get danced on." I pleaded, grabbing his arm.
He nodded, and I smiled as I led him to the dance floor. Just like I said, he watched as I danced on him. I was having a great time, dancing around him and singing/rapping along to the music.
"How old did you turn?" Gabriel asked me in my ear as I danced, my back against his front.
"26!" I said, loudly over the music, turning my head so he could hear me.
"What do you do?" He asked.
"I'm an Instagram model." I lied.
Gabriel chuckled. "No, really."
I turned around when I realized he was intent on talking to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and moved in close.
"You don't believe me?" I exclaimed.
"I doubt a model would have their profile private." Gabriel replied.
"So, you've been stalking me?" I grinned.
"Wouldn't you look into someone that threatened to kill you?" He asked.
I laughed. "You asked for it."
"I didn't think you actually played Mortal Kombat. I thought you were dressing up for a boyfriend. I figured it would go over your head."
"1, I did, one of my favorite games growing up. 2, no boyfriend to dress up for, and 3 nothing goes over my head." I listed.
"I believe you." He said, smiling.
Fuck, he had an amazing smile. Everything about his looks were amazing. If the alcohol wasn't racing through my system, I would have been intimated by his good looks. His dark blue eyes were piercing as they scanned me. I wish I had more alcohol in my system so that his shade of blue eyes did something for me...
I force that thought away and kept dancing to keep my mind off Trevor and his stupid eye color.
When Brandon showed up, he came and gave me a hug. I excused myself from Gabriel to dance with him and Rocky. I danced with everyone and was having a blast until Trevor came to dance with me.
"Are you having fun?" He asked, pulling me close even though it was a faster song.
"I am." I answered shortly.
"Good. I thought you were turning into a mean drunk a while ago." Trevor grinned at me, his hands caressing my back as he moved me against him.
"Mmmph." I mummered, trying to seem unfazed by his presence... and smile... and feel... and smell and... oh fuck, it wasn't working. All those feelings I thought were gone came rushing back. I already came to the realization I had feelings for Trevor. I just didn't know how deep they were. I knew now. I wanted him like I did in college. Just as strong, maybe stronger, like it never went away...
I pulled away from him abruptly.
"What's wrong?" He asked me.
"Nothing." I lied. "Just lightheaded. I need to sit down."
"Ok. Go. I'll get you some water." Trevor responded.
I went back to the table. Everyone was up, dancing, drinking or exploring the club. I headed towards Gabriel who was sipping champagne, watching the dance floor.
I joined him watching the dancers too. Blake was an amazing dancer considering he didn't like the style of music. I watched him dancing with Rachel and Serena.
"How well do you know Blake?" Gabriel asked me.
"Not at all. We hung out a little when Rachel tried to force him on me to keep me away from Forrest." I told him, honestly.
"How'd that work out?"
"It didn't. Blake is not my type, at all." I answered.
"No, I meant keeping you away from Forrest?"
"Completely unnecessary. Engaged guys aren't my type either."
"Let me guess. Your type is short hair, blue eyes?" He asked.
I grinned. "Did you really just describe yourself?"
"I fit the description, but not who I was talking about." He trailed off.
I tensed, knowing he was talking about Trevor. I turned away from him and sat down on the couch. Gabriel followed me.
"So what's that story? Is he your ex?"
I shook my head. "No, just friends."
"Potentially more?" He asked.
I shook my head again. Not if he was moving to Austin. Not if he couldn't even tell me about it. Not if was fucking around with evil blonde hair, blue eyed bitches...
"I don't want a relationship." I said, trying to convince him and myself. "Too much work and hardly ever worth it."
"I hear that." He said, handing me a glass of champagne.
"Happy Birthday." Gabriel said simply, as we clinked glasses. I smiled and sipped the sweet, bubbly drink. He had me laughing as he explained how he and Blake met after I asked. I was laughing hard at his fraternity stories when Trevor joined us, with water and bruschetta.
Why did he have to be so sweet? It's maddening.
"You should probably stop drinking if you feel lightheaded." Trevor told me, sitting the food in front of me.
"I think it was all the lights." I said. "But thanks."
"You should still slow down." He said.
I drank the rest of my champagne, defiantly.
"Can you excuse us for a minute?" Trevor asked Gabriel.
"No..." I answered.
"Sure." Gabriel replied, giving me a little smile before leaving.
"What is wrong with you?" Trevor asked me.
"Nothing." I said, looking away from him.
"I know you better than that-"
"Then you should know I don't wanna talk to you!" I exclaimed, standing up.
"So you are mad at me. Why?"
I ignored him, leaving the VIP section and heading towards the exit.
"Lily-" he followed me.
"Will you just leave me alone?" I protested. "I just wanna have one night, completely drama free. Is that possible?"
"It would be if you opened your mouth and talked to me!" Trevor said. I could tell he was getting frustrated, which egged me on.
"I'm so sick of guys thinking they can make me do shit! I do what I want! Right now I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna think. I just wanna have fun. Is that alright with you Trevor?!? Do I have your permission? Cause that's what I'm gonna do whether you like it or not!!!" I yelled at him. People were watching us, but I was too far gone to care.
Trevor nodded. "Fine. Do what you want."
That's exactly what I did for the rest of the night. At last call, I hugged Cam and Jenna goodbye. Everyone else went up to the suite or the buffet that opened. I went up to the suite. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Jake.
Jake: I won't be able to make it. Have fun.
I giggled. I figured that out hours ago and I didn't need his permission to have fun either.
"I've got something for you." Brandon told me as he and Rocky got ready to leave. Everyone was in the living room playing a hilarious drunk round of Dirty Minds. Apparently, that's all any one had at 2 in the morning after drinking and dancing. I turned around to see him holding a jewelry box.
"Really Brandon? Rocky will kill me if I accept jewelry from you." I told him.
"It's not from me." He said.
I looked at him suspiciously and opened the box. It was a beautiful set in blue topaz, my birthstone.
"Don't shoot the messenger, but I figured jewelry is the least he could do..."
"Ethan?" I asked.
When Brandon nodded, I threw the box across the room, dangerously close to hitting Trevor as he sat next to Amelia. Ok, not next to, but in the same general area. I gave him an evil smile.
"Lily-" Brandon said, shocked as Trevor looked at me. Trevor was shocked too, but he also looked angry and hurt.
"Whatever you're about to say, don't." I cut him off, looking at him menacingly.
Brandon nodded. I turned to Rocky.
"Give Justine a kiss for me!" I told her with a smile.
"Maybe you should come and give her one yourself..." Rocky said, trying to pull me outside the hotel door.
"No, I'll see y'all tomorrow."
"I'm serious Lily. You need to calm down and stop drinking." Rocky started.
"I'm fine. Good night!" I cut her off, going to rejoin the party. My first stop was the bowl of gummy bears. I used them as a garnish for the champagne I was drinking.
That's the last full memory I had of the night. I woke up Sunday morning in a hotel bed, hung over and hurting.
I didn't remember if I had fun the remainder of the night, but I was sure I felt no pain.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Bulletproof Intro
"This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof
This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do, do, do, your dirty words
Come out to play when you are hurt
There are certain things that should be left unsaid
Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh, baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt" Bulletproof by La Roux
"So what's the theme of the party? Prom rejects?" Rocky said sarcastically as she eyed my dress.
I grinned as I put it away in my closet. "No bitch. It's super sweet 16 like the invitations said."
"Are you expecting everyone to dress like that? Cause I'm not. Just saying." Rocky replied.
"Good. Just wear whatever you want." I said, jumping on the bed with Justine. She just hopped on my bed to lay down.
"Eww Lily. You let that dog sleep with you?" Rocky asked.
"Not that dog. Justine." I corrected Rocky. "And of course. Where else would she sleep?"
"Urgh, the second you start letting that dog lick you on the mouth, I'm done with you." Rocky said, disgustedly.
I laughed, not telling her Justine has... "Let's go. The girls will be meeting us soon."
Friday night, Amber, Jordan, Sammy, Gigi and I were going to get our nails done. When we arrived at the nail bar, Amber, her girls, and Gigi were already waiting for us. Jordan showed up next. Sammy didn't show up until after Krista and April helped me pick out pink nail art.
"Hey, sorry I'm late." Sammy said as she joined us.
"You're right on time!" I told her. After she got set up, we chatted about the party: what we were going to wear and who was all going to be there.
"Mostly everyone coming in from Austin got hotel rooms at the night. Trevor and I got the presidential suite for the actual party and a regular room came with the table reservations at the club, so if you need to crash there will be plenty of room." I informed everyone.
"I might take you up on that. I love your kids Amber, but I can't deal with anyone when I'm hung over." Gigi replied.
"That's fine. Will works in the morning, so I'll be going home." Amber responded.
"I'm not planning on drinking, but I'll probably ride with you. Brandon has to close, but he's coming when he gets off. I'll drive us home so he can drink." Rocky said.
"Yeah, that sounds like the best plan. Alcohol and ex-boyfriends really don't mix well for you." I teased her.
Rocky flipped me off when the girls weren't looking with the hand that was finished. I laughed at her.
"Corey and I got a room too, but none of y'all are invited." Sammy grinned.
"Are y'all 'together' yet? Or should I say, been 'together' yet?" Amber asked her, looking to see if her daughters were paying attention.
"None of your business." Sammy said, refusing to answer.
"They have! Before she kept saying they were waiting." I concluded, hoping she wouldn't take that the wrong way.
"Think what you want." Sammy told me, coolly. The little smirk on her face told me she wasn't upset with my comment.
"That's how you know it's serious. She won't talk about it." Rocky declared. We all started laughing.
-------------------
Saturday evening of the party finally came and I was so excited. I gave myself an orange ginger shower scrub, washed and deep conditioned my hair. I loved the sweet, citrus spicy combination of the orange and ginger scent. It was my signature scent now that Jenna and my brother got me a gift card at Bath and Body Works for my birthday. My brother knew how much I loved their products so I bought the shampoo, conditioner, body scrub and wash, lotion and body mist all in the same fragrance. I slathered on the lotion before packing up my things to head to Rocky's house.
All the girls were meeting there since it was the closest location to the hotel and there was plenty of mirror space. Rocky graciously allowed me to bring Justine to stay the night so she wouldn't be alone the whole time. I loaded her dog gates and supplies as well as my dress and beauty items in my car.
After getting Justine's area set up in the living room and opening the door for her to play in the backyard, Sammy started my hair and makeup. I told her exactly what I wanted. Sammy truly outdid herself. It was the most make-up I ever wore, but it was fantastic.
Sammy contoured and highlighted my cheeks making them look sculptured and glowing. She gave me a neutral smoky eye that looked so sexy once she put the fake eyelashes on me. My favorite, and the focus on my face, was the bright peach lip color I chose for my lips. It matched my dress perfectly and I loved the way it looked against my skin.
She pinned my hair up in curls that we were going to remove at the hotel when we put on our dresses. I brought Justine back inside the house before we headed to the hotel. After I checked in at the graffiti decorated desk, we went to the room to finish getting ready. It was a standard queen sized bed room, so it was a little cramped, but we managed.
Sammy wore a shimmery gold mini dress with matching heels. Amber had on a black, 3/4 quarter sleeved dress that reached around mid-thigh. It looked amazing on her body. Gigi chose skinny jeans and a slinky, low-cut red blouse while Rocky looked sexy in a purple bodycon dress with cut-outs on the sides.
Trevor hadn't texted or called me all day except a mass message to everyone giving us the room number. I was anxious to see him and the room. We had to wait for Peyton and Chris who were coming to our room first.
I went to the closet to grab my clutch. I stopped in the mirror to admire the loose waves in my hair that was pushed over one shoulder.
Finally, there was a knock on the door. Peyton was in leggings, a cute blouse, and a blazer. Chris matched her in dark jeans and a blazer as well. Peyton frowned when she saw us.
"I look so undressed!" She moaned.
"I told you Lily was wearing a prom dress." Rocky laughed. I laughed too and we headed out the hotel room and up to the presidential suite.
We knocked on the door and Cam answered it, smiling warmly at me.
"Wow sis." He said, moving over to let us in. "You look beautiful."
"You sound surprised." I chuckled, giving him a hug.
"Nope, just proud." He said, as he pulled away. "And impressed on how you got Trevor to set all this up, while wearing pink." He grinned at me.
'All of this' was the room. The room itself looked fit for royalty. From the moment I walked into the double doors, I knew it was going to be an incredible night. I walked into the massive living room that was decorated modernly with art, mirrors and chrome lamps. Against the wall was a huge entertainment center with two leather couches facing it. Trays of deli meats, cheeses and fruits adorned the glossy tables by the couches.
The hot food and drinks were set up on a long dining room table in a little kitchen area of the living room. The table sat underneath a beautiful chandelier and was decorated with a white tablecloth with happy birthday written in pink print. Pink and white balloons decorated the rest of the room and it looked so beautiful. The simple elegance that was made for a queen.
I smiled broadly at Trevor when he emerged from the bathroom. I can't lie, my heart skipped a beat looking at him. He looked so handsome. He wore khaki pants, with a white t-shirt tucked into the front and an open peach striped button down. He had the smallest hint of a 5-o'clock shadow, but his hair looked like it had been trimmed from last time I saw him. He returned my smile, his blue eyes lightening up as he approached me.
"What's the verdict?" He asked, reaching out to wrap his arm around my waist.
"You're amazing." I gushed out, smiling up at him. When a camera flashed, I looked up to see Jenna watching us after she took the picture, with a silly smile on her face.
I blushed, knowing that she heard what I said and quickly corrected myself. "It's amazing. The room is amazing. Everything looks perfect Trevor. You did an amazing job."
"Hey now, he had some help!" Bilal exclaimed, coming out of the second bedroom. I pulled away from Trevor to greet him with a hug.
"Of course he did. Thank you Bilal!" I smiled.
"Anything for the birthday girls." Bilal joked. I pinched him on the arm.
"Owww!" He exclaimed, rubbing where I pinched him.
"What's wrong with you?" Noorie asked, as she looked him over curiously.
"Lily pinched me!" He ratted me out.
"Don't be a girl." I teased him before hugging Noorie and Mara.
"Alright y'all. It's officially party time. Birthday shots!" Sammy called to us from the long table. I smiled and hugged Lamar and Patrick. Sammy must have let them in. We joined her as Ian, one of Trevor and Bilal's friends from Austin, played some music." It's My Birthday" by Will.I.Am filled the room. We stood around the table and took our first shots together. I clinked glasses with Trevor before we tapped them on the table and drank them down.
"Oh shoot. I forgot something." Trevor said, leaving the table.
"Are you not drinking?" Bilal asked Rocky, causally.
"Not tonight." Rocky answered, in bored tone.
"Where's your boyfriend?" Bilal asked.
"He'll be here soon." Rocky answered, with a polite smile. They had a weird little stare down. Not hostile or flirtatious, just curious, like they were trying to figure each other out.
I took that opportunity to introduce everyone around the table. Not everyone was here yet, but I figured I would try to play the good host for the time being.
Trevor came back with a bowl of gummy bears. He fed one to me and I munched happily. It had a weird, but familiar flavor, so I grabbed a few more. My eyes widened when I recognized the taste of alcohol.
"What the fuck is that?" I asked, excitedly.
"Peach Ciroc soaked gummy bears." Sammy grinned. "I told him you would love them."
"You all realize you just turned me into an alcoholic?" I said, grabbing a few more.
"Special occasions only." Trevor laughed at me, before passing them along.
"I don't know Trevor. My church preaches every day you wake up is a special gift from God." Amber joked, grabbing some gummy bears. I busted up laughing with a few others. That was the snarky girl I loved.
"Amen!" I praised.
We ate and drank and danced around to a birthday playlist as we waited for more guest to arrive. Some of Trevor's coworkers arrived, and I was surprised to see Cat and Amelia. Cat not so much, she was on the guest list. Amelia, yes. Trevor was too, but he quickly recovered and greeted them both. Corey had made it too from work. I was complimenting Trevor on the party again as we sat on the couch when he explained to us how much Sammy helped out with the planning.
"She picked out the hotel, got us the package. All I did was tell her what I wanted and she ran with it." Trevor admitted.
I was already getting tipsy and emotional. "Sammy! I thought you hated me. You did all this for me?"
"For y'all." Sammy corrected. "Peace offering. Bygones and shit." Sammy smiled.
Corey grinned and raised up his can of sprite. "To bygones and shit."
I giggled but repeated it. "Bygones and shit."
Trevor did the same and we toasted before drinking.
The sip of rum and coke hit me immediately and I leaned forward to set my drink down on the table. "Alright, those diabolical bears are starting to hit me."
"Have you ate?" Trevor asked me, concerned, as I leaned back. I noticed he rested his arm behind me so I relaxed in his embrace.
"I did. Fucking gummy bears." I smiled at him.
"Real food." He clarified, smiling.
"Next time I get up." I promised.
"What do you want?" Trevor asked me.
I was looking at the spread of food when Jeremiah's "Birthday Sex" came on. Sammy grinned at me, lecherously.
"Birthday sex. Birthday sex. It's the best night of the year...." She sang, smiling at me and Trevor.
"I don't know. I'm gonna go look." I flushed, getting up quickly, sending Sammy an evil look. She just laughed at me.
I made my way into the kitchen area to grab some food when I overheard Amelia talking to Cat.
"This is so lame... what are we? 12?" Amelia said, her back to me. Cat saw me and tensed, awkwardly. Amelia turned to me to see what had Cat so distracted. When she saw me, she gave me an icy stare and a fake smile. Food forgotten, I made my way over to them.
"Thank you so much for coming!" I said, cheerfully. I turned to Amelia. "I appreciate you chaperoning Cat." I told her.
"Cat doesn't need a chaperone. It's hard to believe, but we're all adults here." Amelia laughed.
"Oh, I just figured you were chaperoning since you weren't invited." I said, causally. There was a knock on the door as she opened her mouth to respond.
"Excuse me, I need to take care of my guests." I said, emphasizing the word guests, before leaving them.
I didn't care what Amelia's game was, but she needed to realize I wasn't the one to play with. I knew in Austin she and Trevor had some kind of history. With her blond hair and blue eyes and petite body, she definitely was Trevor's type. Regardless of whatever history they had, I wasn't going to put up with her being a bitch, especially if she came all this way to OUR birthday party.
I opened the door and was thrilled to see Jordan, Derek, Q, Steven, Yolanda, Heather and Kendall.
"Hey guys!" I said, letting them in and giving them all a hug. "Thank you for coming!" I said, enthusiastically.
"Wouldn't have missed it. You look great!" Jordan smiled.
"Thank you! So do you!" And she did in a one shoulder, midnight blue mini dress. They all looked amazing.
"Everyone, this is my work crew: Jordan, Q, Heather, and Kendall. Yolanda is Q's girlfriend and I used to work with Steven and for Derek. Work crew, this is everyone!" I said, loudly over the music. After everyone greeted them, I led them to the food and drink area.
After taking shots with them, I left them to make their plates while I checked my phone. Rachel texted me saying they were on their way.
"Who are we missing?" Trevor asked me.
"Forrest and Rachel are on their way. Gabriel, Serena and Blake are with them. Malik and Jackie are meeting us later at the club. I think that's it." I responded.
"Cool. I'm going call the club and make sure the tables are ready. We should be leaving in the next 10 minutes." Trevor told me.
"Sounds good." I nodded.
Trevor went into the bedroom to make the call. I headed back to the living room to eat something quick. Amelia stopped me on the way.
"Can we talk?"
"No. I'm kinda in a hurry." I told her, uninterested.
"It'll be quick. I apologize if I seemed bitchy. I'm really not. It's just weird you know, the only thing we have in common is Trevor, so it's just awkward." She stated, sincerely.
"I've been Trevor's friend long enough. I get it. It doesn't have to be awkward." I said, simply.
"You two are more than friends though right?" Amelia asked.
"I don't know. It varies day to day-" I stopped myself. God, I needed to stop drinking or stop talking...
"Well, we only hook up when he's not in a relationship. So even if he moves to Austin, you have nothing to worry about." Amelia informed me.
Austin? What the fuck? The confusion must have read on my face, cause Amelia gave me a sympathetic look.
"He didn't tell you?" She said, more like a statement than a question. "Maybe it was a birthday surprise!" She brightened, before turning away from me.
I stood, frozen in that spot. Trevor was moving? Even if it was just an option he wasn't considering, why didn't he tell me?
Because he was considering it?
"Hey." A voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Amber. "Everyone is looking for you to take pictures before we head out."
"Here I am." I said, forcing a smile.
We went out in the hallway to take pictures. As we made our way to the club, I pulled my brother aside.
"So, Trevor in Austin huh?" I asked.
Cam sighed. "Yeah, it's an amazing opportunity. Risky, but if he's gonna take risks, this is the time to do it."
A tiny piece of me that was hoping Amelia was a lying bitch broke and I deflated.
"Don't worry. Even if it doesn't work out the way he wants it, he has his degree to fall back on. He'll be ok." Cam told me.
I nodded, speechless. I decided to take both Amelia's and Cam's advice: I wasn't going to worry about Trevor. Not tonight. Or anymore. I was officially sticking to my plan and worrying about myself.
***Check back tomorrow for Bulletproof Outro***
I'll be, bulletproof
This time baby,
I'll be, bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do, do, do, your dirty words
Come out to play when you are hurt
There are certain things that should be left unsaid
Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh, baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt" Bulletproof by La Roux
"So what's the theme of the party? Prom rejects?" Rocky said sarcastically as she eyed my dress.
I grinned as I put it away in my closet. "No bitch. It's super sweet 16 like the invitations said."
"Are you expecting everyone to dress like that? Cause I'm not. Just saying." Rocky replied.
"Good. Just wear whatever you want." I said, jumping on the bed with Justine. She just hopped on my bed to lay down.
"Eww Lily. You let that dog sleep with you?" Rocky asked.
"Not that dog. Justine." I corrected Rocky. "And of course. Where else would she sleep?"
"Urgh, the second you start letting that dog lick you on the mouth, I'm done with you." Rocky said, disgustedly.
I laughed, not telling her Justine has... "Let's go. The girls will be meeting us soon."
Friday night, Amber, Jordan, Sammy, Gigi and I were going to get our nails done. When we arrived at the nail bar, Amber, her girls, and Gigi were already waiting for us. Jordan showed up next. Sammy didn't show up until after Krista and April helped me pick out pink nail art.
"Hey, sorry I'm late." Sammy said as she joined us.
"You're right on time!" I told her. After she got set up, we chatted about the party: what we were going to wear and who was all going to be there.
"Mostly everyone coming in from Austin got hotel rooms at the night. Trevor and I got the presidential suite for the actual party and a regular room came with the table reservations at the club, so if you need to crash there will be plenty of room." I informed everyone.
"I might take you up on that. I love your kids Amber, but I can't deal with anyone when I'm hung over." Gigi replied.
"That's fine. Will works in the morning, so I'll be going home." Amber responded.
"I'm not planning on drinking, but I'll probably ride with you. Brandon has to close, but he's coming when he gets off. I'll drive us home so he can drink." Rocky said.
"Yeah, that sounds like the best plan. Alcohol and ex-boyfriends really don't mix well for you." I teased her.
Rocky flipped me off when the girls weren't looking with the hand that was finished. I laughed at her.
"Corey and I got a room too, but none of y'all are invited." Sammy grinned.
"Are y'all 'together' yet? Or should I say, been 'together' yet?" Amber asked her, looking to see if her daughters were paying attention.
"None of your business." Sammy said, refusing to answer.
"They have! Before she kept saying they were waiting." I concluded, hoping she wouldn't take that the wrong way.
"Think what you want." Sammy told me, coolly. The little smirk on her face told me she wasn't upset with my comment.
"That's how you know it's serious. She won't talk about it." Rocky declared. We all started laughing.
-------------------
Saturday evening of the party finally came and I was so excited. I gave myself an orange ginger shower scrub, washed and deep conditioned my hair. I loved the sweet, citrus spicy combination of the orange and ginger scent. It was my signature scent now that Jenna and my brother got me a gift card at Bath and Body Works for my birthday. My brother knew how much I loved their products so I bought the shampoo, conditioner, body scrub and wash, lotion and body mist all in the same fragrance. I slathered on the lotion before packing up my things to head to Rocky's house.
All the girls were meeting there since it was the closest location to the hotel and there was plenty of mirror space. Rocky graciously allowed me to bring Justine to stay the night so she wouldn't be alone the whole time. I loaded her dog gates and supplies as well as my dress and beauty items in my car.
After getting Justine's area set up in the living room and opening the door for her to play in the backyard, Sammy started my hair and makeup. I told her exactly what I wanted. Sammy truly outdid herself. It was the most make-up I ever wore, but it was fantastic.
Sammy contoured and highlighted my cheeks making them look sculptured and glowing. She gave me a neutral smoky eye that looked so sexy once she put the fake eyelashes on me. My favorite, and the focus on my face, was the bright peach lip color I chose for my lips. It matched my dress perfectly and I loved the way it looked against my skin.
She pinned my hair up in curls that we were going to remove at the hotel when we put on our dresses. I brought Justine back inside the house before we headed to the hotel. After I checked in at the graffiti decorated desk, we went to the room to finish getting ready. It was a standard queen sized bed room, so it was a little cramped, but we managed.
Sammy wore a shimmery gold mini dress with matching heels. Amber had on a black, 3/4 quarter sleeved dress that reached around mid-thigh. It looked amazing on her body. Gigi chose skinny jeans and a slinky, low-cut red blouse while Rocky looked sexy in a purple bodycon dress with cut-outs on the sides.
Trevor hadn't texted or called me all day except a mass message to everyone giving us the room number. I was anxious to see him and the room. We had to wait for Peyton and Chris who were coming to our room first.
I went to the closet to grab my clutch. I stopped in the mirror to admire the loose waves in my hair that was pushed over one shoulder.
Finally, there was a knock on the door. Peyton was in leggings, a cute blouse, and a blazer. Chris matched her in dark jeans and a blazer as well. Peyton frowned when she saw us.
"I look so undressed!" She moaned.
"I told you Lily was wearing a prom dress." Rocky laughed. I laughed too and we headed out the hotel room and up to the presidential suite.
We knocked on the door and Cam answered it, smiling warmly at me.
"Wow sis." He said, moving over to let us in. "You look beautiful."
"You sound surprised." I chuckled, giving him a hug.
"Nope, just proud." He said, as he pulled away. "And impressed on how you got Trevor to set all this up, while wearing pink." He grinned at me.
'All of this' was the room. The room itself looked fit for royalty. From the moment I walked into the double doors, I knew it was going to be an incredible night. I walked into the massive living room that was decorated modernly with art, mirrors and chrome lamps. Against the wall was a huge entertainment center with two leather couches facing it. Trays of deli meats, cheeses and fruits adorned the glossy tables by the couches.
The hot food and drinks were set up on a long dining room table in a little kitchen area of the living room. The table sat underneath a beautiful chandelier and was decorated with a white tablecloth with happy birthday written in pink print. Pink and white balloons decorated the rest of the room and it looked so beautiful. The simple elegance that was made for a queen.
I smiled broadly at Trevor when he emerged from the bathroom. I can't lie, my heart skipped a beat looking at him. He looked so handsome. He wore khaki pants, with a white t-shirt tucked into the front and an open peach striped button down. He had the smallest hint of a 5-o'clock shadow, but his hair looked like it had been trimmed from last time I saw him. He returned my smile, his blue eyes lightening up as he approached me.
"What's the verdict?" He asked, reaching out to wrap his arm around my waist.
"You're amazing." I gushed out, smiling up at him. When a camera flashed, I looked up to see Jenna watching us after she took the picture, with a silly smile on her face.
I blushed, knowing that she heard what I said and quickly corrected myself. "It's amazing. The room is amazing. Everything looks perfect Trevor. You did an amazing job."
"Hey now, he had some help!" Bilal exclaimed, coming out of the second bedroom. I pulled away from Trevor to greet him with a hug.
"Of course he did. Thank you Bilal!" I smiled.
"Anything for the birthday girls." Bilal joked. I pinched him on the arm.
"Owww!" He exclaimed, rubbing where I pinched him.
"What's wrong with you?" Noorie asked, as she looked him over curiously.
"Lily pinched me!" He ratted me out.
"Don't be a girl." I teased him before hugging Noorie and Mara.
"Alright y'all. It's officially party time. Birthday shots!" Sammy called to us from the long table. I smiled and hugged Lamar and Patrick. Sammy must have let them in. We joined her as Ian, one of Trevor and Bilal's friends from Austin, played some music." It's My Birthday" by Will.I.Am filled the room. We stood around the table and took our first shots together. I clinked glasses with Trevor before we tapped them on the table and drank them down.
"Oh shoot. I forgot something." Trevor said, leaving the table.
"Are you not drinking?" Bilal asked Rocky, causally.
"Not tonight." Rocky answered, in bored tone.
"Where's your boyfriend?" Bilal asked.
"He'll be here soon." Rocky answered, with a polite smile. They had a weird little stare down. Not hostile or flirtatious, just curious, like they were trying to figure each other out.
I took that opportunity to introduce everyone around the table. Not everyone was here yet, but I figured I would try to play the good host for the time being.
Trevor came back with a bowl of gummy bears. He fed one to me and I munched happily. It had a weird, but familiar flavor, so I grabbed a few more. My eyes widened when I recognized the taste of alcohol.
"What the fuck is that?" I asked, excitedly.
"Peach Ciroc soaked gummy bears." Sammy grinned. "I told him you would love them."
"You all realize you just turned me into an alcoholic?" I said, grabbing a few more.
"Special occasions only." Trevor laughed at me, before passing them along.
"I don't know Trevor. My church preaches every day you wake up is a special gift from God." Amber joked, grabbing some gummy bears. I busted up laughing with a few others. That was the snarky girl I loved.
"Amen!" I praised.
We ate and drank and danced around to a birthday playlist as we waited for more guest to arrive. Some of Trevor's coworkers arrived, and I was surprised to see Cat and Amelia. Cat not so much, she was on the guest list. Amelia, yes. Trevor was too, but he quickly recovered and greeted them both. Corey had made it too from work. I was complimenting Trevor on the party again as we sat on the couch when he explained to us how much Sammy helped out with the planning.
"She picked out the hotel, got us the package. All I did was tell her what I wanted and she ran with it." Trevor admitted.
I was already getting tipsy and emotional. "Sammy! I thought you hated me. You did all this for me?"
"For y'all." Sammy corrected. "Peace offering. Bygones and shit." Sammy smiled.
Corey grinned and raised up his can of sprite. "To bygones and shit."
I giggled but repeated it. "Bygones and shit."
Trevor did the same and we toasted before drinking.
The sip of rum and coke hit me immediately and I leaned forward to set my drink down on the table. "Alright, those diabolical bears are starting to hit me."
"Have you ate?" Trevor asked me, concerned, as I leaned back. I noticed he rested his arm behind me so I relaxed in his embrace.
"I did. Fucking gummy bears." I smiled at him.
"Real food." He clarified, smiling.
"Next time I get up." I promised.
"What do you want?" Trevor asked me.
I was looking at the spread of food when Jeremiah's "Birthday Sex" came on. Sammy grinned at me, lecherously.
"Birthday sex. Birthday sex. It's the best night of the year...." She sang, smiling at me and Trevor.
"I don't know. I'm gonna go look." I flushed, getting up quickly, sending Sammy an evil look. She just laughed at me.
I made my way into the kitchen area to grab some food when I overheard Amelia talking to Cat.
"This is so lame... what are we? 12?" Amelia said, her back to me. Cat saw me and tensed, awkwardly. Amelia turned to me to see what had Cat so distracted. When she saw me, she gave me an icy stare and a fake smile. Food forgotten, I made my way over to them.
"Thank you so much for coming!" I said, cheerfully. I turned to Amelia. "I appreciate you chaperoning Cat." I told her.
"Cat doesn't need a chaperone. It's hard to believe, but we're all adults here." Amelia laughed.
"Oh, I just figured you were chaperoning since you weren't invited." I said, causally. There was a knock on the door as she opened her mouth to respond.
"Excuse me, I need to take care of my guests." I said, emphasizing the word guests, before leaving them.
I didn't care what Amelia's game was, but she needed to realize I wasn't the one to play with. I knew in Austin she and Trevor had some kind of history. With her blond hair and blue eyes and petite body, she definitely was Trevor's type. Regardless of whatever history they had, I wasn't going to put up with her being a bitch, especially if she came all this way to OUR birthday party.
I opened the door and was thrilled to see Jordan, Derek, Q, Steven, Yolanda, Heather and Kendall.
"Hey guys!" I said, letting them in and giving them all a hug. "Thank you for coming!" I said, enthusiastically.
"Wouldn't have missed it. You look great!" Jordan smiled.
"Thank you! So do you!" And she did in a one shoulder, midnight blue mini dress. They all looked amazing.
"Everyone, this is my work crew: Jordan, Q, Heather, and Kendall. Yolanda is Q's girlfriend and I used to work with Steven and for Derek. Work crew, this is everyone!" I said, loudly over the music. After everyone greeted them, I led them to the food and drink area.
After taking shots with them, I left them to make their plates while I checked my phone. Rachel texted me saying they were on their way.
"Who are we missing?" Trevor asked me.
"Forrest and Rachel are on their way. Gabriel, Serena and Blake are with them. Malik and Jackie are meeting us later at the club. I think that's it." I responded.
"Cool. I'm going call the club and make sure the tables are ready. We should be leaving in the next 10 minutes." Trevor told me.
"Sounds good." I nodded.
Trevor went into the bedroom to make the call. I headed back to the living room to eat something quick. Amelia stopped me on the way.
"Can we talk?"
"No. I'm kinda in a hurry." I told her, uninterested.
"It'll be quick. I apologize if I seemed bitchy. I'm really not. It's just weird you know, the only thing we have in common is Trevor, so it's just awkward." She stated, sincerely.
"I've been Trevor's friend long enough. I get it. It doesn't have to be awkward." I said, simply.
"You two are more than friends though right?" Amelia asked.
"I don't know. It varies day to day-" I stopped myself. God, I needed to stop drinking or stop talking...
"Well, we only hook up when he's not in a relationship. So even if he moves to Austin, you have nothing to worry about." Amelia informed me.
Austin? What the fuck? The confusion must have read on my face, cause Amelia gave me a sympathetic look.
"He didn't tell you?" She said, more like a statement than a question. "Maybe it was a birthday surprise!" She brightened, before turning away from me.
I stood, frozen in that spot. Trevor was moving? Even if it was just an option he wasn't considering, why didn't he tell me?
Because he was considering it?
"Hey." A voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Amber. "Everyone is looking for you to take pictures before we head out."
"Here I am." I said, forcing a smile.
We went out in the hallway to take pictures. As we made our way to the club, I pulled my brother aside.
"So, Trevor in Austin huh?" I asked.
Cam sighed. "Yeah, it's an amazing opportunity. Risky, but if he's gonna take risks, this is the time to do it."
A tiny piece of me that was hoping Amelia was a lying bitch broke and I deflated.
"Don't worry. Even if it doesn't work out the way he wants it, he has his degree to fall back on. He'll be ok." Cam told me.
I nodded, speechless. I decided to take both Amelia's and Cam's advice: I wasn't going to worry about Trevor. Not tonight. Or anymore. I was officially sticking to my plan and worrying about myself.
***Check back tomorrow for Bulletproof Outro***
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