"There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb" Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
The letter confirmed my deepest fears: That I was a mistake that needed to be forgotten. I tried to remind myself of all the talks I had with Dr. Pereira about my mom and the likelihood that she wouldn't want to reconnect or respond. Not even those discussions could take away the sting of my mom's- no, the woman who gave birth to me- words. I read the letter over and over again. I got phone calls, but I let my phone ring. I got texts, but I left them unread.
Sunday, I was sitting outside on my deck reading the letter again as Justine chased after squirrels. I was so engrossed in the letter, I didn't realize someone was knocking on the fence until Justine started barking and running to the fence that lead to the front yard. I got up and followed her, looking around my backyard for stray balls. Sometimes the neighbor's kid had balls go over the fence, but I didn't see any.
"Who is it?" I asked, cautiously.
"It's Ethan."
I opened the gate and looked at him in confusion.
"I heard Justine from the front door so I figured you were out here too." He explained. "Can we talk?" He asked.
I nodded and let him in. I quickly walked to the chair I was sitting in, grabbing the letter and tucking it into my pocket carefully. I sat down before he sat beside me, clearing his throat, his nervous tick, before starting.
"You were right Lily; it wasn't fair you were put in the middle of Megan's and my disagreement. I'm sorry." When I didn't say anything, just watched him, he continued. "I can't say my feelings weren't involved when we- when I- came up with the rules, but they were only for EJ's protection. The rules were to keep Megan honest not control or punish her."
"Are you sure? Because that's what she made it sound like and the fact that you don't feel a need to follow them makes it seem that way too." I pointed out, bluntly.
He looked me directly in the eye. "You are the only person I didn't follow the rules with. That's only because I know whatever happens between us, you will always be a part of EJ's life."
When I nodded in agreement, he continued. "It was never just about the cheating with Megan. It was her using EJ and leaving him with a stranger to cover up her lies. I didn't trust her to do the right thing with EJ anymore after everything happened."
I pursed my lips at the stranger comment, but because I lived the danger of being left with someone my dad thought he could trust, I let that part go.
"You told me you trusted her when we talked about having the right timing for a relationship. If you trust her now, why do you still need the rules?" I questioned him.
"We don't. After I dropped EJ off today, we eliminated them." Ethan replied.
"Ok."
"And so we're all on the same page, I made it clear that she has no right or reason to approach you anymore."
"Oh, so she's not allowed to talk to me?" I huffed, rolling my eyes.
He waited until I looked back at him to answer. "About things pertaining to our parenting? No. I've never done that with Dave; she shouldn't have done it with you."
"Fine." I replied, looking off.
"Lily." He said. I turned back to him.
"I understand we're going to have disagreements, but I don't want to break up or not hear from you because of them. What do I need to do to ensure this won't happen again?" He asked, sincerely.
"Don't try to exclude me. I get it if you don't want Megan talking to me about you two's parenting, but you need to keep me informed like I asked." I leveled with him.
"Done." He said, reaching over for my hand, squeezing it in his. His slight touch had my whole body responding. I quickly stood up, dropping his hand.
"I need to get Justine inside. Can we catch up another day?" I asked him.
"Sure." He stood up too. He brought me close for a hug. I hugged him briefly before calling Justine to go inside.
After he left, I climbed in bed and reread the letter. I don't know why: the woman who gave birth to me was brutally blunt in her letter. There wasn't anything to dissect, no double meanings, no hope. My phone rang, breaking my trance from the letter. I saw it was Trevor, and I answered.
"Hey."
"Hey. Are you ok?" He asked me.
"I'm fine. Why?" I sat up, forcing cheerfulness in my voice.
"Do you know about Christian?"
I winced, thinking about Christian and his drug use and what could have possibly happen to compell Trevor to call and ask me about him.
"No. No idea. What happened? Is he ok?" I asked.
"Um, yeah. He's ok. He's dating your friend. Mia Morris." Trevor informed me.
I felt disgust, and then anger. "You really called to tell me that?"
"I figured you already knew or were going to find out since they were pictured together. I wanted to check on you."
"Why?" I scoffed.
"What do you mean why?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because you're my friend." He said, matter of factly.
"Was I your friend when you told Christian I slept with Richard?" I confronted him.
He was silent for a minute.
"Exactly. I find it odd that you talked shit about me to Christian and now you want to see if 'I'm ok' over Christian. Sounds like you're just trying to rub it in." I accused him.
"I'm not Lily. I fucked up a lot and I thought you forgiven me for it. I'm not going to lie, I hate Christian. I hate that you were with him. I hate that I have to even talk about him, but I'm trying to be a good friend to you now."
"You don't have to talk about Christian or be here for me. I don't care about him or who or what he does. I'm good."
"Good. I'm here for you if you need me."
"I don't need you." I told him, curtly.
"Fine Lily. I'll let you go." He said, just as curt. He hung up before I could say anything else.
I put my phone on my night stand and stared at the letter again. I finally got up and put it away in my closet in a storage container. I buried the letter, and any feelings or emotions associated with it, deep and forgot about it. I refused to give anymore time and energy to someone who didn't give a fuck about me. I decided right then and there not to care anymore. I was good: I didn't need anyone.
Monday morning dragged by as I went grocery shopping. When I got to work, Dr. Clayton was holed up in the team lead office and Q told me he had been for majority of the morning. I suppressed my annoyance and spent my time observing and coaching our interns until he left. When I got off, Ethan text me about going out sometime this week. I told him I would get back to him before I went home and took Justine out for a run.
Tuesday morning, I got up, fed Justine, and headed to the gym. Dino was there, but I ignored her and went to her dad's class, partnering with a random guy who I never seen at the gym before. As I left after my workout, Dino approached me.
"Hey Lily. Can we talk for a minute?" She asked me.
"I really don't have a minute." I said, continuing to walk faster.
"It'll be quick. We can talk on the way out." she said, following me.
I sighed heavily but stopped to look at her, waiting for her to rub it in that she and Jake were engaged or expecting-
"Mia is seeing Christian. I hope you believe me when I say I had no idea this was going on until he invited her to his album release." she informed me.
"I couldn't care less about what hoe Christian is fucking."
She blanched. "If I was you-"
"You're not me." I cut her off. "I don't concern myself with my ex or my boyfriend's ex. Are you done?" I asked, my voice dripping with disdain.
She narrowed her eyes at me. "Yeah, I'm done."
I turned on my heel and continued my march to my car and went to work. That day, Amber text me and asked if I was ok. I replied that I was fine and didn't respond to anymore of her texts bashing Mia or wanting me to call. I focused on my work, staying late to work out the schedule for 4th of July. Ethan called me, but I told him I was working late and would call him back later.
Wednesday morning, I got a call from Rocky asking me if I had time to talk. When I agreed, she invited me over after I got off. On the way, I called Ethan and we made plans to have dinner Thursday night. I suggested a Thai restaurant I went to when I needed to get out the clinic. It was close and fast and I knew we would be in and out. I already had in my mind what I was going to order to make the date even quicker.
When I got to Rocky's house, she was holding Ace. He was wrapped up in his blanket, wide eyes taking in everything. I took him and cuddled him close, loving his smell and rubbing my fingers over his soft curls.
"I'm sorry. I've been a major bitch to you and you don't deserve it." Rocky apologized.
"So why have you been acting like a bitch?" I asked her, looking away from Ace to her.
"A combination of hormones, lack of sleep, and the break up. I'm barely holding it together."
"You're fine with everyone else. You have Peyton throwing you girls nights and sending me away. Why are you taking it out on me?"
She fidgeted uncomfortably. "It might be a little jealousy. You have a successful career, a supportive family and an amazing new boyfriend. You're doing so great while I just had a kid and my life is... A mess." She admitted honesty.
Her words set me off. "Your life is not a mess because you have a kid! You have a career! You have a supportive family! You had an amazing boyfriend! Really, you had two: Brandon and Forrest but you sabotaged them because you don't know what you want! That has nothing to do with Ace and everything to do with you! Figure out what you want!" I said, harshly. While she blinked back tears, I handed Ace back and I got up and left.
I didn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned. When I did finally fall asleep, I felt like I slept maybe a few hours before my phone ringing woke me up. It was Bianca, but I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. Restless and unable to sleep, I got up and went to the gym before going to work.
After work, I headed straight to the restaurant to met Ethan, not changing my clothes nor fixing my hair or make-up. I had no desire to look in the mirror, so Ethan was just going to have to deal with wrinkled scrubs, haphazard ponytail and dry, bare face me. When I arrived, he was already sitting in a booth, waiting for me. He stood up, greeting me with a hug, not making any comments on my appearance.
"Do you want to order the sampler to share?" Ethan asked me.
"No. I want the Thai spicy soup."
"That's it?" He said, surprised.
"Yep. Not very hungry."
"Ok."
He ordered my soup and noddle stir fry and coconut curry from himself. As I fiddled with my stir in my tea, Ethan called my name.
"Yeah. What's up?" I responded.
"Did you hear me?" He said.
"No. Sorry. What did you say?"
He watched me for a moment before speaking. "Your friend Jordan tagged us on Facebook about going out."
I sighed. I hadn't been on any social media all week. I barely responded to texts. "I told everyone we are together. Is that a problem?"
"Not at all. She posted about us all going out together on a group date."
"Just ignore her. She wants a group of people to show off her engagement ring to." I said as our food was placed in front of us.
"I got us Gary Clark Jr tickets. I mentioned it to Will already: we can make it a group." He told me.
"We'll see." I said, noncommittally.
"Are you ok?" He asked me.
"Yeah. Just hungry." I said, grabbing my spoon to eat.
"I thought you weren't that hungry." He studied me closely now, scanning my face before looking into my eyes.
I focused on my food. "I am now."
I ate my soup, barley tasting it. As we ate, he talked to me about EJ's birthday party. He told me they were going to stay at the hotel over the weekend and he rented an extra room if I wanted to stay. I declined, saying I would see him at the party on Saturday. I finished my small cup of soup and waited quietly for Ethan to finish.
"Do you want to try anything?" He motioned to his plate.
I shook my head. "No. I'm ready whenever you are."
"Is something wrong?" He stared at me, inquisitively.
"No. I'm just tired." I said, looking away when his gaze got too intense.
"Ok." He said simply, signaling the waiter for the check. After he had his food packed up and paid the bill he walked me to my car. I went in for a brief hug, but he locked me into his embrace.
"Goodnight." He said into my hair.
"Yeah. You too." I pulled away and got into my car. By the time I got home, I got a new texts from him.
Ethan: If tonight was really about you being tired, I hope you have a good night sleep.
Ethan: If it wasn't, let me know what I can do to help or fix whatever is wrong. I understand if you're having second thoughts about us. I want you to be happy and if that's not with me, we don't need to be together. Let me know what you want to do.
The tears I been fighting all week flooded my eyes as I read the text. I didn't know how to be happy when I was trying not to feel anything at all. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't even blame him for wanting to leave me, but the thought of losing him when I just got him broke me. I got into bed and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, my eyes were red and puffy and I looked a complete mess. I pulled myself together the best I could and got ready for my appointment. I grabbed the letter from the woman who gave birth to me before I left.
When Dr. Pereira ushered me into her office, I handed her the letter before she could ask what was wrong. As she read it over, I recalled the letter in my head. By now, I had it memorized. I knew every letter, word and punctuation. The words were now branded on me, like a tattoo, reminding me I was a mistake and I would never be good enough. My eyes filled with tears again as the emotions I thought I buried inside me built up. I took a deep breath, trying to bury them again.
Dr. Pereira sat the letter down, and looked up at me, her eyes full of worry. "How are you dealing with this Lily?"
"We talked about this being a possibility. I knew she may not want to talk to me." I replied, trying to convince myself and her.
"Just because we talked about it doesn't make it any easier. How do you feel about her response?"
"Nothing." I supplied.
"Nothing at all?" She questioned.
"That's right. She made it clear she didn't want to be my mom when she decided to give me up. I've gotten along 23 years without her." I said, as anger tears fell from my eyes. I wiped them away, quickly. "I know I'm just a mistake, but don't I deserve to know why?"
"You are not a mistake. Her decisions then and now are not a reflection of you." Dr. Pereira told me sternly.
"I know that! I understand if she was too weak or had no choice about raising me, but why won't she just talk to me now? I don't need her in my life. I'm not asking her to be in my life. I just want to know my past. Why aren't I worthy of a conversation?" I cried, bitterly.
"For whatever reasons, she can't face her own past. That has nothing to do with you. You, and only you, determine your worth. Do not give anyone that power." She advised, handing me a box of Kleenex.
"I know that too! I don't know why I care. Why can't I get passed this?" I muttered, taking the Kleenex to clean my face.
"You can care. You can be angry or sad; be whatever you're feeling. Acknowledge your feelings so you can heal and move on. What you can't do is take her problems and make them your own. Her choices do not define you. That's how you get passed it."
I nodded. Once I calmed down, she handed me back the letter, asking what I planned to do with it. I shrugged and tucked it into my purse. I wasn't going to let the letter or the woman who gave birth to me define me anymore, but I did need to mourn it and the death of the childhood dream I had of reconnecting with her. Dr. Pereira asked me if I shared the letter with anyone else. I told her I haven't and admitted that I've been internalizing, lashing out, and pushing people away instead.
"What does that accomplish besides hurting the people that care about you and yourself?" Dr. Pereira asked me.
"Nothing." I took a shaky breath, finally understanding I couldn't continue to push people away and expect them to stick around. Tears threatened to fall again as I thought about Ethan's texts last night but I told myself if he gave me a chance, I would make it right.
When I left, I called Ethan. He didn't answer, so I left a voicemail to give me a call back. While I was in my team huddle, he returned my call. As soon as I finished, I tried to call him again with no answer. On my lunch, I saw that he text me he was off and to call when I had the chance.
"Hello?" He answered on the first ring.
"Hey Ethan. Are you busy tonight?
"I still have that extra room at Great Wolf Lodge. I was getting ready to head up there."
"Oh. Ok. I want to talk to you, but we can wait until tomorrow, if you have time after EJ's party."
"I'd rather talk to you tonight. I can meet up with you once you get off."
"As long as it's not an inconvenience"
"Talking to you is never an inconvenience. I'll meet you at your place?"
"Yes."
I got off the phone, relieved he was willing to hear me out, but debating whether to show him the letter. Part of me just wanted to apologize and tell him I had a rough week, but he deserved an explanation not an excuse. Another part of me was embarrassed and ashamed the woman who gave birth to me wanted nothing to do with me, but I reminded myself that her actions were not a reflection of me. I decided to start with an apology and then go from there.
When I got home, he was already out front, waiting for me. I let him in and we sat on the living room couch.
"I'm sorry. I don't want to break up. I should have never threatened it. I've been having second thoughts about myself, but never about you." I started.
"Why are you having second thoughts about yourself?" He asked me, concerned.
I retrieved the letter from my purse and handed it to him. When he finished reading, he looked up at me, compassion in his eyes.
"When did you receive this?" He said, holding up the letter.
"Last Saturday." I admitted.
He moved closer to me on the couch. "I was giving you space because I thought you were having second thoughts. I'm so sorry Lily." He said, wrapping his arms around me.
"No. I'm sorry I pushed you away." I said, feeling warmth and comfort in his arms as he held me.
"You know you can come to me about anything." He rubbed up and down my shoulders.
"I know. It just... hard. It's bad enough my mom didn't- couldn't raise me. The fact that she won't even talk to me-" I broke up, the grief hitting me all over again. I let it come this time, crying on Ethan's shirt as he held me even tighter.
"It's her lost not having you in her life." He said simply, but so genuinely, I believed him.
I nodded, sobbing softly. He rubbed my back as he held me, stroking my hair, occasionally pressing a kiss against my forehead as I cried. It was more comforting than talking. After awhile, my tears stopped and I dozed off in his arms, exhaustion finally catching up with me.
I woke up early the next morning, still in Ethan's arms. I untangled myself from his embrace, which caused him to wake up.
"Hey. Good morning." I said, sitting up. "Did you sleep ok?"
He nodded as he studied my face. "How'd you sleep?" He asked in a deep raspy voice.
"Honestly? The best sleep I had all week." I admitted, smoothing out his dress shirt that I cried all over. "I have a t-shirt you can borrow."
"That's ok. I have my clothes in the truck for the party." He said as he stretched out.
I looked up at him, suddenly. "Great Wolf Lodge. Didn't you have a room last night?"
He shrugged. "We can check in anytime today. You can stay tonight if you want."
"EJ may not put it together, but your family is definitely going to notice if I spend the night with you." I pointed out.
"They're traditional, but I don't think they'd be scandalized if my girlfriend spends the night with me."
I smiled. "So you told your parents about us?"
"My dad had an idea and he told my mom."
"How'd your dad find out?"
He blushed, his light skin redden. "I went to him for advice on how to get you to change your mind about dating me."
I gasped. "What did he say?"
"I rather not say." He smirked.
"Did it work?" I grinned at him.
"So far."
"So good." I responded before leaning in for a kiss.
