Explicit/offensive language. I've ventured into the head of Brandon and it's not a pretty place right now, but it is what it is : -)
"You questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
You were my great one
Now it's over but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I can't sweat that, cause I loved a hoe
Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back." Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon.
Brandon's Perspective
"What goes on with me is my business. Mind your own." I said to Jake as I stretched on his couch.
"It is my business if every time I leave and come back there's some random female over." Jake replied as he sat on the arm of the chair and fastened his watch. "And I use female loosely."
"Hey, anybody I bring over is 100% female. No homo over here." I said, taking offense that he would suggested otherwise.
"I meant I don't know what kind of woman that's cool with banging a guy sleeping on a couch. Now that you mention it, that last one did have bigger hands than me." Jake said, twisting up his face in disgust.
"Coming from a guy that's hanging out with a girl he met at a gay bar."
"She was there with friends just like us."
"And you were there to stalk Lily." I called him out. "Don't try to deny it. Jasmine told me you're still hung up on her."
"You and Jasmine need to focus on your own life and get out of mine. We're talking about you. Does Rocky know your dating other people?" Jake asked me.
"Rocky and I aren't back together." I stated, avoiding answering the question.
"Coulda fooled me the way you parade her around with your ring like y'all are working it out. You need to shit or get off the pot. What you're doing is fucked up." He lectured me.
"You fucked random girls for years after you and Cara broke up. If this is about Lily and you being guilty by association, don't worry about it. Rocky and her ain't even friends anymore." I said, remembering how I discovered the "fantastic four" was broken up.
Every since I saw the text from Lily to Rocky, I didn't trust that Rocky wasn't still talking to him. She was still trying to convince me how sorry she was when she called me one Sunday night. I was hanging out with co-workers after work and sent it to voicemail. When I was too faded to drive home, I called her to come pick me up. She was way too quiet and I could tell something was up, so I went through her phone. I saw texts from Trevor telling her to give Lily some time, she didn't really mean what she said, and she was just hurt.
My first reaction was relief. I didn't know how she expect us to try if she still wanted to be friends with him. Reading through her texts with Trevor made it seemed like Lily ended their friendship. A small part of me felt bad, but if Lily wanted to Rocky to be part of the "fantastic four" she bragged about, then that friendship had to end.
I didn't even bring it up with Rocky and she never talked to me about it. The rage returned at the thought of Lily trying to push Rocky and Bilal back together again and I welcomed it. It was familiar and helped me not to feel a bit if sympathy for Rocky. Or anyone for that matter.
"What I do won't fuck up your chances with Lily so don't try to get moral on me. Good luck with that. Even if you do get a chance, she'll be fucking Trevor behind your back." I snarled at Jake.
Jake stood up so he was towering over me, removing the watch he just put on. "If you don't want me to get moral on you, stop being a dick. You don't have to be with Rocky but that doesn't mean you should fuck around with her. Like you said, everything I did was after Cara and I broke up. Rocky told you the truth. That's something Cara never did." Jake started in on me.
"Are you done?" I said, in a bored voice. I didn't have to look at him to tell he was frustrated with me. I knew he didn't agree with the way I was conducting myself, but he never voiced his displeasure besides a disapproving look or asking me if I was sure what I was doing. I just wanted him to leave.
"Naw, I'm not done. Every mistake I made I did own my on, not while crashing on somebody else's couch. So don't compare yourself to me." Jake continued, aggressively.
"Man, whatever. I'll be off your couch by the end of the week." I said, my anger bubbling over. I stood up and heading for the door. I slammed it behind me as I left.
Jake's place was the best option after Rocky told me she cheated. I didn't want to go back to my parent's house when I moved out. It was too far from my job and I didn't want to explain what happened between me and Rocky.
A war had been raging inside of me since Rocky confessed: stay and swallow my pride or keep my pride and lose her. My pride won initially. I couldn't get over the betrayal. I wouldn't let her tears soften me. I wasn't going to let myself get drawn into her excessive apologizes.
When she couldn't even tell me why she cheated, I knew I made the better decision. If it was something I did or didn't do, I could make sense of it. When she had no excuse, that meant she still had lingering feelings for him. I was done with her. I broke the news to my family after Memorial Day.
My mom cried. She asked me if I did everything I could to work it out. That question set me off. I should have known they would find a way to make it my fault. That how it was in my family: Ethan could do no wrong and I couldn't do anything right. Even when I did do something right, it wasn't as good as Ethan. After awhile, I stopped trying. I played the role as bad son because the golden child was already taken.
That changed when I brought Rocky around. She made me step my game up. My parents loved her for that. I was in a healthy, committed relationship. That was something even Ethan couldn't accomplish. Rocky fucked that all up when she fucked him. When Megan cheated on Ethan, it was nothing but outrage and disgust from my parents. When I got cheated on, it was what could I do to fix it. I was the one cheated on. I was the one made to look like a bitch. How was I in the wrong?
As I drove away from Jake's apartment, I called the newest girl I was hanging out with. The fiancee-cheated-on-me story was the best pick-up line and she was one of the girls that offered herself to help cheer me up. Unfortunately, she still stayed with her mom and while my situation wasn't any better, I wasn't in the mood to sneak around somebody's parents. Jake was right about that- It was time for me to get my own place.
At the same time I thought about moving on, I texted Rocky and told her I was on my way. I knew I was wrong for messing around with other girls but a part of me felt like it even the playing field a little. Maybe her cheating wouldn't torture me as much now.
When I got to Rocky's house, she let me in and made me a plate of food. As I ate, she started badgering me with questions; like how was Six Flags with my family. Between bites of food, I lied and told her it was cool. In reality, I didn't even go. I took Rocky to EJ's birthday party and to our 4th of July cookout. That was all the family time I could deal with. I even let her wear the engagement ring to show my family I was trying to work it out. I was also trying to convince myself that things could go back to the way they were.
She stared at me, the intensity of her gaze made me feel uncomfortable. It was sharp, as if she was searching for something on my face. I knew she knew I was lying but why the hell was she looking at me like that? She broke us. She broke me. She was the one who gave my pussy away to that Goddammed emo camel jockey without a second thought to me. Why should I feel guilty? I stared right back at her, challenging her to say anything.
I waited for her to snap and go off like she used to do. To roll her neck, put her hands on her hips, stomp her feet and tell me how it's gonna be. I couldn't make up my mind, I didn't know how we moved passed this, Maybe she could help me decide... Instead, she looked away and started cleaning.
I finished my meal in peace and quiet, missing the arguments we used to have. The intensity and passion she used to have for me. What the hell happened? When did it go away? When I was done, I sat back, trying my hardest not to watch her as she moved around the kitchen. I felt the stirring of my dick as she bent over to put things away. Everything seemed the same but I knew something wasn't right.
She came back to take my plate and our eyes met each others. It looked like she was about to say something, thought better of it, and kissed me instead. I wrapped my arms around her but pulled my face away. I made quick work of her clothes, pulled her on my lap, and bounced her on my dick. The only reaction I got out of her was when she cried out when I sucked her nipples. She sounded like she was in pain, but she didn't stop me so I continued.
When it was over, I looked up at her. She turned her face down, but I already saw what I needed to see. There was no spark of anger, pleasure, sadness; just nothing in her face at all. I stood up, dropping her in the chair and headed for the guest bathroom. It was too hard to look at her.
I took a hot shower, letting the water wash over me and take the pain away. Even though I given her everything, she still cheated. She said she wanted to be with me but pulled away. My pride, her feelings for him didn't matter. I admitted to myself she didn't love me anymore.
The reason I kept coming back was because all I needed was one sign she was truly in love with me. I never felt that from her. I felt remorse, guilt and regret, but no love. That cut me so deep the pain made it hard to breathe. It didn't matter how many times she said she loved me or how she wanted to fix us. She couldn't fix something that wasn't there.
I went to bed in the guest room, contemplating my next move. I had to get away from her. You know what's worst than being pussy whipped bitch that got cheated on? Being in love alone. I thought about Rocky and him. It's funny, when Rocky first confessed to me, I tried to burn the image of her fucking him out my mind. Now I reminded myself of it constantly. I'd rather be pissed than heartbroken. I replaced that sadness with anger.
Sadness was a useless emotion. My dad always told us to man up. Since I didn't know how to walk away, I could use the anger. I could push Rocky away from me. I could be the bad guy even though she made me feel I could be more than a fuck up because she saw more in me. I had plenty of practice being the bad guy growing up. It wasn't hard for me to resume that role.
5 comments:
Interesting, they both need to cut ties so they can move on.
don't like hearing Jake is still hung up on lily, they weren't together that long, ready to be done hearing about him but we'll see if that's the case
Very interesting...he needs to get away from her. No way I would ever forgive anyone for cheating on me. Not a chance.
Sad to hear Brandon's thoughts, but honestly, as angry as he is, I really sympathize with him. The final part of this post about Rocky not really loving him is heartbreaking because I think he is right and that his whole relationship is an illusion. I agree with Jake, though, that Brandon needs to cut ties with Rocky for good if this is how he really feels.
Sad about Jake, as well. He needs to move on. It's been months since he and Lily were together, and she has actually now been with Trevor more than twice as long as she was with Jake. What's more, she won't leave Trevor for Jake. She won't leave Trevor, period. I suppose he could have it out with Lily and she could tell him this to his face, but she's already said it, has kept her distance from Jake (at least recently) and has given him no reason to think they could get back together. Their breakup sucked, but Jake blew it and there is no going back, especially since Lily and Trevor found each other again. He is starting to sound obsessed.
Sara
I just recently came across this blog and I'm loving it! There is a part of me that still wonders if Jake and Lily and will get back together but I do love Lily and Trevor together, it seems like the perfect relationship despite their little faults.
And I feel bad for both Rocky and Brandon but their both at fault to an degree.
http://neverjudgewhatyoudontknow.blogspot.com.au/
Brandon needs to just go away. Sitting around and screwing every girl that stares at him is not healthy or smart.. I think he needs a change of scene; like move to a different city, or whatever it takes to start getting over Rocky and move on. He doesn’t have a irreplaceable job, so it’s not like that would be a difficult thing for him to do. Either way, his and Rocky’s relationship is over. Stop beating a dead horse!
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