If I Were A Boy Outro

"If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he’s taken you for granted 
And everything you had got destroyed...
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah, you don’t understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy" If I Were A Boy by Beyonce

"Lily, answer me." I heard my brother command when I finally retrieved my phone.

My heart and mind were racing. Trevor was sick? With the same thing his dad had? His dad had cancer. His dad died from cancer. Just thinking of the c-word terrified me. He couldn't be sick- It didn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he tell me? Craig must have gotten it wrong...

Then, I remembered. How Trevor said he would propose. He said he would lie about being sick, get everyone involved, and then propose after admitting he was ok. At the time, I thought he was joking.

"If Trevor put you up to this shit, it's not funny. Tell him I said he can fuck off! I meant it when I said I was fucking done!" I ranted to my brother, anger overriding my fear.

"Lily, I'm on my way there right now. As soon as as I land in Dallas, I'll call you. Just hold tight. Don't do anything until I get there. We'll figure this out together." Cam said, in a gentle, calm voice that let me he was trying to placate me.

"You don't need to do that. I'll call you later." I said, hanging up my phone.

I sat there in my car for a moment, mulling things over. I didn't know what to think- so I called Bilal. The last thing Trevor did was go to Austin before he broke up with me. I knew I could have called Bilal at any point or time after the break up. I knew Bilal would be honest and tell me what was going on with Trevor. Before, I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. It was hard enough knowing that Trevor didn't want to be with me- I just gotten to the point where I could tell others we weren't together anymore. To know he discussed it with his friends was a  humiliation I didn't want to go through, but I needed to know the truth now.

"Hello?" Bilal answered the phone, his voice neutral.

"Hey Bilal. Do you have Trevor's new number?" I asked.

"I do... but I think it's probably best if you two take a break from each other." Bilal replied.

"We have- I just need to know why he left me. The real reason- not the lines he fed me. I deserve the truth right?" I asked.

Bilal let out a shaky breath. "Sometimes the truth hurts and he was trying to spare you some of that. Isn't it better he ended it now before it got anymore serious?" Bilal answered.

What Bilal didn't understand is that we were already serious. I was planning our wedding, looking into houses, preparing for our fucking future together. These were all the things that Trevor wanted, no, that he pushed for.

"That's the problem Bilal. In my mind, it was serious. I was ready to spend my life with him. Him disappearing doesn't spare my feelings; I need to know the truth." I pleaded, my voice breaking up.

After a moment of silence, Bilal finally spoke up. "He doesn't have those feelings for you anymore. I hate that you got hurt while he figured it out. I was surprised by it too but sometimes the heart wants what it wants- and sometimes it doesn't."

"Ok. Thank you Bilal. I guess I just needed to hear it to let him go." I lied while I contemplated what he just told me.

I knew if Trevor told him that, it was complete bullshit. Maybe if Bilal said Trevor cheated on me or he didn't want to be at odds with his mom or he changed his mind about getting married, I would have believed it and let it go. The excuse Trevor gave Bilal didn't ring true. I wouldn't argue that something was wrong with Trevor or me or us- but not having feelings wasn't it.

I was devastated by the way he left me, I didn't question that him ending things with me the way he did made no fucking sense. Ghosting me, maybe- but leaving his job and moving to Wichita Falls? No way. All I was focusing on was getting over him and not figuring out what happened and why. The fact that he lied to his best friend coupled with my brother's information made my stomach curdle with dread. I had to figure out what was going on.

"Before you go, do you have his uncle's or grandmother's number? I need to arrange to send his stuff out to him." I asked quickly before he hung up.

"I just have his mom's number."

After Bilal rattled it off to me, I hung up and prepared to call Trevor's mother. I debated if I should block my number but I didn't. She probably took my number out her phone, if she ever had it at all, as soon as Trevor broke up with me. It rang 3 times before she picked up.

"Hello?" She answered, her voice betraying no emotions.

"Mrs. Tobin, I need to speak to Trevor." I told her, mustering up all the patience I had. I really had no intentions to every speak to this lady again, but I kept my anger in check in order to find out the truth."

"May I ask who's speaking?" She replied in the same tone.

I thought about lying, but I decided against it."It's Lily-" I barely got out, before she cut me off.

"He can't come to the phone and even if he could, he doesn't want to speak with you. Don't call here again." She said, nastily.

"We closed on a house; signed a loan together. I'm not shouldering that responsibility on my own. You can put him on the phone or he can hear from my lawyer." I bluffed. I figured one of a few things could happen- she hand the phone over to Trevor, give me his number, or hang up. I liked the odds so I took the risk. It paid off. Majorly.

"You listen to me, you gold digging tramp." She spewed at me. I could feel the hate and venom in her voice even over the phone. "You will not threaten him! My son is fighting for his life- "

She went on, but I stopped listening. As soon as she revealed he was fighting for his life, I hung up. I put the car in reverse and backed out of Rocky's drive way. In less then two hours, I was in Wichita Falls. It was like an out of body experience where I could see what I was doing but felt detached from myself. I looked at my phone and saw it was down to 20% battery life and I had missed calls from my brother and Rocky. I didn't even hear my phone ring. I scrolled through my recent places on my map and found his mom's address from when I drove there before.

I pulled up and parked on the street. Getting ready for the upcoming battle brought me back to myself. I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins as took long strides to the door. I rang the doorbell for a good solid 5 minutes, pondering if I could kick down the door, before I wondered if anyone was home. I walked around the house, observing the dark windows before seeing no cars in the back.

I walked back to the front, debating what to do next. My heart fluttered, thinking about him being in the hospital. I could try to call all of them in the area, but even if I did find him, visiting hours would be over. I got back in my car, wishing I had his grandmother's or his uncle's number. I then remembered his grandmother lived close by. I thought back to last year, at Thanksgiving.

Trevor showed me a Walgreens that was in walking distance from his grandmother's house. He told me about doing odd jobs and  scrounging for change around his grandmother's house to buy candy all the time. When I saw the Walgreens, I remembered all this and the fact there was a huge incline to the Walgreens. The first time I saw it, I recalled thinking I would have never made it as a kid if I had to make the steep trek up to the store, candy or not. I found the incline and made my way down.

It was dark and nothing looked familiar, but thankfully I saw Trevor's Honda sitting outside a house. I breathed a sigh of relief, before making my way to the house. I noticed lights, but I knocked on the door patiently instead of like I did at his mom's house. Heavy footsteps approached the door, and I held my breath, hoping it was Trevor.

When Trevor's uncle Jimmy opened the door, I realized Trevor was really sick. Jimmy and Trevor's grandmother Helen did not get along. For Jimmy to leave the country and be at her house, Trevor had to be ill. Gasping, struggling to get air back in my body, I tried to find the right words to say. Nothing came out.

"Lily?" Jimmy questioned me, looking concerned.

"I-I" I stuttered, willing myself not to break down.

Suddenly, Trevor's mother appeared at the door. Confusion turned to rage as her eyes clashed with mine.

"You have a lot of nerve. I told you to forget you knew my son. You turn around and leave right now." She hissed at me, moving to slam the door in my face.

Jimmy stopped her, grabbing the door and watching me. "Hold on Tracy. I want to hear what she has to say." Jimmy said, never taking his eyes off of me.

"She wants to sue him over a loan. That's all she's ever been about- money. She doesn't care about Trevor. If you wanna talk to her, you both can leave!" Tracy ordered, her eyes bugging wildly.

I put my head down in shame for the lie I told. "Don't raise your voice at me! Trevor didn't sign any loan. Stay outta this- you know it doesn't concern you." Jimmy bellowed.

"Anything having to do with my son-" Tracy started, trying to speak over Jimmy.

"What in the world is going on out here?" Trevor's grandmother came to the door. She took one look at me and opened the door wider. "Come in." She ushered me in.

"Helen no-" Tracy exclaimed.

"This is my house. Come on in." Helen told her, walking me to the living room. We sat on the couch and I finally found my voice.

"Trevor's here?" I asked, shakily.

Helen nodded as Jimmy joined us.

"He wanted to stay with me, but the hospital is  10 minutes away from here." Jimmy added, shooting a glance at Tracy who stood, fuming in the entrance way.

The mention of the hospital made me shiver out of fear.

"What's wr-ong with him?" I stammered, knowing the answer, but still not wanting to hear it.

Jimmy shook his head, looking both confused and upset. The tears I was trying so hard to hold in fell before Helen answered, "He has cancer dear."

I couldn't hold it in any longer- I erupted in sobs. I covered my face, trying to force myself to stop. I didn't want to cry in front of them, especially not Trevor's mom. I retold myself every lecture my dad gave me about being a big girl and how tears solved nothing. No matter how many times I replayed the speech in my mind, the tears kept coming.

"He's young and healthy and they found it early enough. He's going to be ok." Helen said.

It sounded wrong to use young, healthy and cancer all in the same breath. I knew cancer wasn't necessarily a death sentence, but it had to be bad for Trevor to just up and leave. It made me cry harder, my body shaking as I wept.

Jimmy came be my side, putting an arm around me and rubbing my shoulder. "We have to be strong. He needs our support to fight this." Jimmy lectured me.

That caused me to regain control of myself. I sniffled and gulped down deep breaths. I wiped the tears from my face as they gradually slowed, then stopped.

Jimmy handed me a tissue before speaking again."He's sleep right now, but before you see him-" Jimmy started.

"See him?!? How do you think he's going to react when he sees her? " Tracy blurted out.

I looked up at her, letting my anger at the whole situation rise and spill out on her. "I'm not leaving unless he tells me to!" I seethed at her. I turned away from her and to Helen. "Is it ok if I see him?"

"Of course. He's in the back room to the left." She instructed me.

Tracy interrupted her. "What happened to state of mind being the biggest part of his treatment? He doesn't want her here! There's a reason for that!"

"Probably the same reason none of his friends came to visit. She stays. If you don't like it, you know where the door is." Helen said when finality. After a brief stare down, Tracy turned on her heel and left, slamming the front door as she left. I flinched at the loud sound.

"He just did chemo, so don't be surprised if he's out of it most of the time." Jimmy informed me, ignoring Tracy's dramatic exit. I went into the bathroom and cleaned my face before walking toward the room. Jimmy was waiting for me in the hallway. "Ready?"

I nodded quickly, anxious to see Trevor. The light from the hallway dimly lit the room. I made my way around the cushioned reclining chair and next to the bed where Trevor slept.

He looked so fragile and small curled up in the green throw blanket I got for his granny on Mother's Day. If Jimmy didn't warn me about the chemo, I would have know by the lost of hair on his head. He looked exhausted even as he slept- he had dark hollows under his eyes and his skin was so pale. I reached out to touch his face. Everything Jimmy said about being strong went out the window when I touched him. His clammy skin damped with cold sweat made me pulled away quickly, a sob escaping my mouth before I could suppress it.

Trevor's forehead creased with wrinkles, before his eyes opened. He blinked a few times before focusing on me. I reached out again to hold his hand, but he pulled away.

"Trevor." I hiccuped, failing to keep it together. I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be strong.

"What are you doing here?" He finally said, licking his dry lips in between words.

"I came to see you." I responded, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.

He kicked off the blanket. When he struggled to sit up, I offered a hand. He pulled away like my touch burned him.

"I got it." He said, sitting up then attempting to stand up.

"You don't need to get up for me." I stopped him.

"I'm not. I'm going to the bathroom." He snapped at me, standing up and tottered towards the door.

"I can help." I said, offering my arm so he could hold on to me.

"I can do it myself." He said, dismissively before leaving the room.

A few moments later, Jimmy came back with clean sheets. I helped him change them. "On his first round of chemo, he was in a foul mood up until the end of the 2nd week. We're still on week 1. Don't be surprised if he's irritated." Jimmy explained as we worked.

I nodded as we finished changing the sheets. I didn't care what kind of mood he was in as long as I got to see him. Afterwards, Jimmy turned to me. "There's a guest bedroom and you're welcome to it."

"Is it ok if I stay in here with him?" I asked.

"Sure-"

"She's not staying." Trevor said as he shuffled his way back in the room.

Jimmy went to give him a hand, which he accepted. "It's the middle of the night boy- she's not going anywhere." He told Trevor. Once he had him in bed, he started again. "I'm going to be in the front room if you need anything."

Trevor nodded, a grim look on his face before Jimmy left us alone.

"If you don't want me in the same room, I'll go to the guest room." I offered.

"Who told you? Granny or Jimmy?" He asked, his eyes flashing anger.

He glared at me, waiting for an answer. I lamely shook my head. "Your mom really. I called her after Cam spoke to Craig."

Realization passed over his face.  "Fucking Craig." He muttered, his eyes fluttering closed. Truthfully, I was relieved when he fell back to sleep. He was so upset, I was sure he was exhausted and needed rest. I crawled in bed with him, cuddling close without disturbing him. I felt drowsy as soon as my head touched the pillow and was sleep soon after that.

The next morning, I woke up determined to be strong and support Trevor. He was still knocked out and I pressed a kiss on his forehead before heading to the kitchen. Thankfully, his mom didn't return and it was me, Helen and Jimmy. They filled me in on Trevor's condition and treatment. He had stage 3 cancer- it hadn't spread to other organs but to lymph nodes near the tumor. His doctors elected to treat with aggressive chemotherapy first to shrink the tumor then surgical remove it. He had several more rounds of chemo before the surgery.

It was hard not to get upset when confronted with the severity of his cancer. I focused on my game plan instead. The first thing I wanted to do was talk to the doctor. Even though Jimmy and Helen both seemed optimistic about his treatment, I wanted to hear it for myself. Jimmy was blending up a fruit smoothie, with vegetables and protein powder too, when Trevor joined us.

I couldn't help notice how different he was and not just appearance wise all weekend. When he wasn't slept or sick to his stomach, he didn't speak unless spoken to, didn't return my smiles, hugs or touches of affection, and wouldn't look me in the eye. I reminded myself what Jimmy said about him being irritable and out of it. I tried not to focus on it and dedicated myself to learning his routine and regiment.

"Why are you teaching her that? She's going home soon." Trevor stated when his grandmother showed me the different medicine he was talking to combat the side effects of chemo. He was picking at the egg noodles with butter and Parmesan cheese that Helen said he loved growing up.

"I'll be back Monday." I said quickly, assuming he meant my work schedule. I already thought that through. "I work the evening shift. I get off around 7. That put me here around 9. I wouldn't have to leave until around noon. And I'll be here on the weekends of course." I responded. It might be difficult, but I would work it out for the time being.

"No, you won't." Trevor said, stubbornly like a little boy. I looked at Jimmy for help.

"That would help out a lot. I have to be in the country or Lisa will try to change everything. Besides, your granny could use a break, even if it's only every other weekend." Jimmy reasoned.

"I told y'all I'll hire a home health nurse. I'll do it Monday since I'm such a burden." Trevor said, abrasively. I tried so hard to be patient with him the entire weekend, but his tone reminded me so much of his mother, it was starting to upset me.

"Nobody said you were a burden. If Lily wants to be here for you, let her." Helen responded.

"No." Trevor said plainly before pushing his plate away and leaving the room. I got used to leaving him alone, but this time I followed him.

He was sitting in his reclining chair, scratching at his socks.

"Why don't you want me here?" I demanded, looking him straight in the eye. That was the worst physical change for me-looking into his eyes worried me more than anything I heard or seen. Even in the daylight, his blue eyes looked dull and lifeless.

"Because this is something I have to do alone." He muttered, looking away from me.

"I don't understand. I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I should have been here every step of the way-"

"I didn't want you here Lily. I still don't want you here!" He declared.

"Why?" I asked, fighting to stay strong. I had to get through to him. I couldn't do that if I got over emotional like I usually did.

"I can't put you through this."

"That's not fair. It's my decision. I can handle it." I said, confidently.

"You don't have to. I don't want you to." He argued.

I shook my head, refusing to crumble. "No. We said the only way we would break up is if we tried and it didn't work out. I love you too much to leave you. We will get through this, together."

He finally looked me in the eye. "What happens if I die-"

I cut him off before he could finish that sentence. "Don't say that."

"LILY-" He started, raising his voice.

"You can't think like that." I interrupted him again, shaking my head.

"YES I FUCKING CAN! YOU SAY YOU CAN HANDLE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN FACE THE TRUTH THAT I MIGHT DIE!" He yelled at me. I froze and looked at him, stunned silent. My armor broke and tears welled up in my eyes as he continued. "We can't do this together- It was hard enough before I had cancer. Now, I have to be a brave solider and fight cancer. I can't do that and take care of you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying with you."

I stood there, fighting back more tears. I bit my lip before leaving the room. When I came out into the kitchen, Helen was wiping her eyes and Jimmy immediately came to comfort me. I stopped him.

"I'm gonna go." I said, brokenly.

Jimmy nodded but looked disappointed. "Give him some time. It's a bad week."

I went to put their numbers in my phone and realized my phone was dead. I wrote them down instead before I left. I drove back home, wanted to get as far away from Trevor and his cutting but truthful words. Throughout our relationship, I made things so incredible hard and difficult. Just us getting together was an uphill battle for Trevor and it didn't get easier from there. I didn't blame him for not wanting me by his side, even if it hurt me to the core.

When I got back to Dallas, I pulled out my phone. I composed a group text.

Me: Trevor has colon cancer. He already started chemotherapy and is staying with his granny in Wichita Falls. This is her and his uncle Jimmy's phone number.

I sent it out and put my phone away. Just because he didn't want me around doesn't mean he shouldn't have his friends. I curled up in our bed, under our covers, and cried for Trevor.