Breakdown

"So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"?
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"?
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away?
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry" Breakdown by Mariah Carey


With all the tears I cried, I thought I should be all cried out. I was hoping sooner or later I would pass out from exhaustion or dehydration. Anything was better than staying awake and dealing with the reality that Trevor had cancer and he didn't want to be with me.

The pain of rejection was a jagged sword tearing at the remains of my broken heart. As much as it hurt to admit, I didn't blame him for not wanting me around. He spent so much time taking care of me and showing how much he loved and wanted to be with me. I was so selfish and concerned about my own pain after the breakup, I didn't even realize something was seriously wrong with Trevor.

Even after the way he broke up with me which was completely out of character for him, I didn't try very hard to figure out what was going on with him. I was so desperate to move forward and show that I could live without him, I didn't investigate him leaving. I should have went to Wichita Falls as soon as I found out where he was. Instead, I started separating our stuff and buying a house. I was having celebratory dinners and trying to date while Trevor was going through chemotherapy. I would never forgive myself for that.

My thoughts were interrupted by pounding at the front door. I sat up, my head throbbing and my eyes swollen and stumbled to the front door. I looked through the peephole and saw my brother Cam with Justine. As soon as I opened the door, I fell in his arms.

As I cried more tears onto his chest, he led me to the couch and patted my back. Justine rubbed against my legs, but I ignored her.

"He's going to be ok Lily." Cam tried to soothe me.

"What if he's not?" I wept.

I couldn't believe that at our age death was a possibility. We were planning to buy a house, get married, start a family. To be confronted with death was cruel and unfair. I couldn't- I wouldn't face it. Trevor was right in that regard: I couldn't handle the possibility of him dying. I didn't want to live in a world without him in it. It was unfathomable.

"I know he will. He has too much to live for." Cam replied.

It made me cry harder knowing that I wasn't someone he wanted to live for. His final words of not wanting to spend the rest of his life trying with me kept replaying in my head. I wished I could go back in time and take away every argument and stupid careless thing I said or did to Trevor. I wasted so much time with my bullshit: doubting, testing and pushing him away. I would take it all back in a heartbeat. I needed a chance to prove to him he didn't have to take care of me- that I could be strong for him and support him like he has always done for me.

Exhausted, I finally fell asleep in my brother's arms. It reminded me of when I was younger and Cam would let me watch horror movies that he found funny. I would creep myself out and when my dad would make us go to bed, Cam would stay in my room with me until I fell asleep.

I woke up later in bed. I had a splitting headache, but I felt somewhat better. My mind was definitely clearer- less all over the place. I looked around for my phone, but it wasn't on the charger where I left it. I went out to the kitchen to find my brother, sitting at the table, talking on my phone. He stood up when he saw me and wrapped up his conversation.

"Hey sis. You hungry?" Cam asked me.

I shrugged and sat at the table. "Can I have my phone back?" I asked.

He pushed it over to me. I scrolled through the missed calls and text. I had a ton of missed calls and texts Friday from Rocky, Forrest and Cam. Saturday, I had calls from Sammy, Jordan and Amber too. Since I've been back in Dallas, I had calls from Rocky, Bilal, Sammy, Corey, J-Mike, Amber, Justin, Johnny, Ian and Donovan- everyone I sent the group text too.

I winced, thinking about how many calls Trevor's uncle and granny got, but I didn't regret my decision to send the text for a minute. I would respect that Trevor didn't want me around- but it didn't mean he should be deprived of his friends or that his friends should be left in the dark.

"Who were you talking to?" I asked, my voice raspy.

"Rocky. She's in Wichita Falls right now. She was checking on you." Cam said handing me a plate of food from the microwave.

"When are you going to see him?" I asked between bites.

"I'll drive with you whenever you go back." Cam responded.

I shook my head, forcing my tears away. "I'm not going back." I informed him.

Cam frowned. "His uncle told me what he said. I know you're hurt, but you can't hold that against him Lily."

"I'm not, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want me there." I said, staring down at my plate.

"You're going to regret not being there." Cam said softly.

"No I won't. As much as it hurts me, I have to respect his wish." I stated simply.

"I don't think that's what he really wants." Cam argued.

"You didn't see him." I said, frustrated. "He was so mad at me- Madder than I ever seen him. He didn't tell me he was sick because he didn't think I can handle it." I admitted, trying to stay calm.

"Then prove to him that you can. Don't get angry- be there for him." Cam repeated.

"I'm not angry!!!" I snapped, loudly. When he looked at me with disbelief, I started again."He doesn't want to deal with me. I've been selfish enough- it's always been about what I want or need. I'm not going to fight him anymore." I finished, quietly.

Thankfully, he didn't say anything else.

That night, I spent going through my texts and answering all the questions I had answers too. It seemed phlegmatic to be discussing Trevor's cancer through text, but it was the easiest way for me. I could copy and paste information, talk about the severity of Trevor's cancer without getting choked up and answer the questions and comments about my well being with the same lies over and over again. Almost everyone immediately planned to see Trevor. I told them to text Trevor's uncle first to get more information. I couldn't coordinate arrivals since Trevor didn't want me there.

The only text that made me upset was the ones I got from Jordan.  It was all day Saturday about the Taylor Swift concert. With everything going on, I admit, I completely forgot and she accused me of blowing her off. The tickets were a gift though; I never told her I would go with her. Granted, she didn't know what was going on, but I let her have it anyway.

Me: Fuck the concert, fuck Taylor Swift and fuck you too!!! The tickets were a gift I will gladly pay for if you leave me the fuck alone. Text me your PayPal and don't fucking text me again after that you psycho bitch!

After that, I spent the rest of the night looking up chemotherapy side effects and treatment tips.

Monday morning, I got up early to go shopping. I told Cam not to leave for Wichita Falls until I got back. I went to the pharmacy Corey worked at and bought a mouth wash for the sores in his mouth and miracle candies that were supposed to be good for nausea. I found soda flavor chapsticks for his lips there too. He was constantly licking them because they were dry and I knew he would appreciate the soda flavors. Next, I found him a few different meal replacement drinks at a local grocery store. Since it was easier for him to drink than eat, his uncle made him fruit smoothies with protein. He was a milkshake fan so I bought him chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, peanut butter and banana to try. Last, I went to a department store and bought Trevor a few items, including a snuggie and house slippers in his favorite color and pattern- blue check flannel.

I still had ideas of things I found online, but they required time that I didn't have.  They were more personal and how I planned to support him without physically being there. I figured what I got was enough for now to start proving I would take care of him. My brother loaded everything up before getting on the road. The only message I told him to tell Trevor was "I lava you". Cam made a confused face, but nodded.

I went to work early, hoping to catch Adil. He was at the hospital, but thankfully, he was willing to stop by the clinic before Dr. Clayton left. I was going through the huddle board with the evening therapists when Adil came in.

"Let me know if you have any questions." I tried to finish up rapidly as Adil came over.

"Dr. Harris, what should I do if I ran out of characters on the chart?" Fallon, one of our new therapist asked.

"Dr. Charles, can you show Dr. Barber how to access additional notes on the tablet?" I asked.

"Sure boss lady." Dr. Charles smiled.

"Dr. Harris." Adil corrected him with a stern look before I dismissed them.

"Make sure you maintain professionalism with everyone." Adil coached me as we went into the conference room. I nodded, unfazed by his criticism. I had bigger concerns. After we sat down, I told him about Trevor diagnosis.

"Stage 3? Lily, I'm so sorry to hear that." He said, sympathetically.

"Thanks. I really just wanted to know my options as far as time off goes." I hurried on.

"You still have your vacation time. Put in the request, 2 weeks in advance, and you should be fine." Adil answered.

I cocked my head at him. "Request? It's not going to be a request. I will need certain days off. " I told him, as calmly as I could.

He cleared his throat and looked me straight in the eye. "Even if you qualified for FMLA, you don't because you haven't been here a year, he's just your boyfriend. It wouldn't be classified as family. Vacation time is your only option." Adil stated.

Just my boyfriend? Not even that.

I clenched my fist, angrily. "I don't care if I get paid. I just need the time off." I clarified.

"The only way you can have time off is your vacation and sick days. Those are the procedures.

"Well, heads up. My boyfriend is going through chemotherapy- if things happens and when he has surgery, I'm not going to be here. It might not be 2 weeks in advance. I just wanted to let you know." I reiterated, between clenched teeth.

"I understand what you're going through-" Adil started.

"I seriously doubt it, unless you had a boyfriend with cancer." I answered, snarkily.

He watched me solemnly before nodding. " "Of course. Once again, I'm very sorry. We'll see what we can do."

I stood up. "Thank you." I said, before leaving the conference room.

The rest of the day, I spent in a shitty mood, I was filled with so much anger. I saw where Adil was coming from- as team lead, it would be harder to replace me. That's why he questioned my commitment before recommending me. I remembered how he said sometimes the job came first. Dr. Tran expressed how important it was to be readily available,  especially during basketball season which was starting. I said I could, but at the time, I never imagined Trevor would be fighting cancer.

Even if he didn't want me by his side at the moment, sick or not, Trevor trumped my job- everyday of the week. I was hoping once Trevor saw I was willing to respect his decisions and still be supportive, he would change his mind about being able to do this together. I wanted to give Adil, Dr. Tran, and anyone else who needed to know fair notice.

When I got in my car, I saw I had a miss call from Cam. Panic laced through me, but I told myself he was probably just checking in.

He answered when I called him back. "What does lava you mean?" He asked.

"Basically he's my dream come true and I'll love him forever. Did he say it back?" I asked, eagerly.

"No,"  my heart sank. "but he didn't have to. His face said it all. This is one fight I think you need to have with him Lily."

"How did he act around you?" I asked.

"Surprisingly the same. It was normal- except when we talked about you." Cam answered.

That really didn't tell me anything. Cam was my brother, of course it would be uncomfortable talking about me.

"I'll think about it."

"Heads up. Rocky has a key to your place. She'll be back tomorrow." He said.

"Ok. Thanks."

When I got to my apartment, after I fed Justine, I took a few Tylenol PMs and jumped in the shower. I figured I would talk to Rocky as soon as she got back. I gave her the same standard responses as everyone else, but I was ready to talk to her now. She was Trevor's and my friend. Really, she was Trevor's friend first. She would be the best person to help me decide if I should fight to be by his side or wait for him.

When I started to feel drowsy, I turned off the water, dried off and threw on some clothes. Justine and I went to bed, and I was out before any more thoughts crossed my mind.