Here I Go Again

"I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind,
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams" Here I Go Again by Whitesnake


***Flashback***

College Years

"You got the booze?" Trevor asked us, his blue eyes twinkling mischievously.

I felt my face flush, willing myself to stop noticing how beautiful his eyes were. I held up the 24 pack of Miller Light.

"Got 'em." I said, smiling.

"How are you gonna invite us over and make us provide beer?" Rocky commented, stalking past him into the apartment he shared with Bilal and Donovan.

" 'Cause I provided the surprise!" Trevor said, gesturing for me to come in. I followed Rocky.

"Where's Bilal?" Rocky asked, looking around the room.

"He'll be back. Went to pick up some pizza." Trevor answered, the smile fading from his face slightly.

Rocky scowled. Bilal and Rocky argued a few days ago. Every time things got heated about Bilal's future, or lack of future, Bilal just left; leaving Rocky to stew in her anger. Before when they disagreed on something, normally one would admit fault and move on. It wasn't happening this time. They hadn't spoken since the argument. It was at a standstill and was getting worse with time.

I made Rocky promise to not bring it up. She graduated in May. It was one of the last few times we could all hang out together. I didn't want any fighting. Especially since Trevor was so excited about his surprise.

"What's the surprise?" I asked him, changing the subject.

His smile widened again. "C'mere. I'll show you!"

We walked into the living room and Trevor held up a new game: Rock Band 3.

"No fucking way! Did you get the keyboard too?" I squealed.

"Sure did. Let's set it up." Trevor said, excitedly.

We connected the bass, guitar, microphone, drums and keyboard to Donovan's Xbox. I chose the keyboard since it was new and I've never tried it before. Trevor chose the microphone because he has a decent voice and a love for classic rock, so he knew most of the songs.

Eventually Rocky joined in with us on the drums when we did a Paramore song she knew. We were jamming out together when Donovan and Bilal finally arrived with a couple of pizzas. Their friends Ian, Justin and Christian trailed them.

"Hi guys" I greeted them all.

"Hey Lily, Rocky." Bilal said. Rocky didn't even acknowledged him and he headed to the kitchen. The other guys said "Hey" while Christian joined me at the keyboard.

"How's it working?" Christian asked me.

"It's great! I love it!" I smiled at him.

"As much as the guitar?" He asked.

"Nooo... me and the guitar go way back. We're an unstoppable team." I boasted.

"We'll see about that." Trevor challenged me. "Get on the guitar!"

I smiled and did as he said. Christian joined us and hopped on the keyboard and Ian took the bass. Rocky gave up the drums to Donovan and headed to the kitchen. We made an awesome team as we went through the game, earning more songs.

We had to take a break when Trevor's phone rang. I went into the kitchen to grab a beer. Rocky was in the kitchen, chatting with Justin, I rejoined everyone just in time to hear the end of Trevor's conversation.

"That's cool Brooke, she can stop by too. See ya in a bit." Trevor ended the phone call.

I groaned inwardly at the mention of Brooke. Why did she keep coming around? Trevor already told her he wasn't looking for a relationship: Most girls only hung around for a few months after that. Why was she still holding on?

It doesn't matter Lily. Trevor is your friend, that's it.

As much as I tried to reassure myself, I still had a sickening feeling when there was a knock on the door and Donovan went to open it.

"Heyyy Everybody!" Brooke exclaimed, followed by one of her flunkies. I remembered her face, but not her name. I couldn't tell if Brooke was cold or hot in a mini jean skirt and Baylor sweatshirt.

"How's it going Brooke?" Trevor asked, giving her a hug. I turned to face the game on the TV.

"It's going. What are y'all doing?" Brooke asked.

"Playing Rock Band. Have you played?" Trevor asked.

"Nope." She giggled.

I impatiently tapped my fingers against the guitar while I waited for her friend to grab some pizza for them while Trevor explained the self-explanatory game to Brooke. I mean, it was instruments and music. What was so hard about that? Urgh. I rolled my eyes at them.

Christian chuckled beside me. "You ok?" He asked.

"Great." I said, chirpily.

I looked to see if anyone else noticed my annoyance. Rocky was chatting and laughing with Ian and ignoring Bilal. Bilal in turn was ignoring her, but every now and then he would stare in her direction. Trevor was playing good host and showing the girls how to play and everyone else was in the kitchen. Christian was the only one paying me any attention, thank God.

Finally, they were ready to play. Trevor gave the mic up to Brooke and flunkie and grabbed the bass Ian vacated to talk to Rocky.

The girls picked Joan Jett's version of "I love Rock n Roll" and failed horribly by trying to sing Britney Spear's version. Trevor was amused. I was disgusted. I focused on my solo so it wouldn't be obvious how much I didn't want them here.

"O....o...ohhhh! 95%!!! That's incredible Lily. This is your first time playing?" Christian asked me.

"Rock Band 3? Yes. I played the others." I smiled, shyly, looking over at him briefly.

"I got 97%" Trevor blurted, taking my attention from Christian.

"Donovan also owns Rock Band 1 and 2 and you still play on easy!" I pointed out to him.

"Still got higher than you." Trevor teased.

"I'm playing on Medium!" I declared.

"I can too!"

The next song, "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse, Trevor and I went head to head on medium. The bass was easier, so I was really focusing when Trevor bumped shoulders with me. By the third "accidental" bump into me: I bumped him back. Hard.

"Cheater!" He accused, looking at me when he had a break.

"Look who's talking!" I laughed. "I learnt from the best."

"Obviously not with your guitar playing abilities." He quipped.

"Whatever Trevor!" I laughed.

"Shhhh.... I can't hear the vocals. It's throwing me off."  Flunkie whined.

What was her excuse when we weren't talking? I wanted to ask, but I bit my tongue.

After the song, which I crushed Trevor in points, I turned to him.

"Want another ass-kicking, err, rematch?" I grinned.

"I don't know any other songs. Can I try the guitar?" Brooke asked before Trevor could answer me.

"No, come here. The bass is easier." Trevor offered. He moved over to make room for her to squeeze in between us.

I stood up, removing the guitar.

"Where are you going?" Trevor asked.

"To eat and give a newbie a chance." I said, as cheerfully as I could muster.

I grabbed my beer and headed to the kitchen. I drank the rest of it down. I went to the stove and saw nothing but 2 empty pizza boxes. Stupid boys! I needed pizza, and ice cream and potatoes chips and gummy bears-

"Don't tell anyone, but I have crazy bread." Christian said from behind me.

"If you share, I'll give you all my guitar secrets." I bargained.

"Not necessary. Follow me." Christian smiled. I followed him into Donovan's bedroom. In the mini fridge, Christian pulled out the bread sticks.

"I can go heat them up..."

"No!" I exclaimed. I blushed when he looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "I mean, its fine cold. I gets all rubbery if it's overheated."

He handed the bag over and I dug in, enthusiastically. The buttery bread tasted so good, I moaned out loud. Then blushed.

Calm down Lily. It's just food...

Christian grinned at me. "I like a girl that can eat."

"I eat too well, that's my problem." I said, after I swallowed.

"I don't see any problems." Christian responded.

"And you didn't meet me until recently." I said, simply before munching on the bread. "Ask Trevor. I lost a lot of weight."

"Well, you look great now. I bet Trevor kicks himself every time he sees you."

I snorted, then blushed covering my mouth, embarrassed.

"Why would he do that? We're just friends." I said, hopefully lightly, even though my chest tightened with each word.

"Y'all never hooked up?"

"Never..." I said, shoving another piece of bread in my mouth.

"Good to know-" Christian said, before the door was pushed all the way open. Trevor came into the room.

"Hey, what are y'all doing back here?" Trevor asked, looking between us.

"Nothing." I said, guilty chewing on the food in my mouth, before swallowing down the evidence.

"Come do nothing out here." Trevor said, plainly. I handed the bread sticks back to Christian.

"Thank you."

We all returned to the living room to play. Trevor challenged me on every instrument so we rotated, seeing who was better. Trevor even forced me to sing "Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction with him. Eventually, Brooke and her friend left. Trevor went to walk them out.

After a trip to the bathroom, I went looking for Rocky to see if she was ready to go. I found her, making out with Bilal in his room. Apparently, her give-everyone-attention-but-him-routine worked.

"I think Rocky is spending the night here." I told Trevor. "Think you can give me a lift home?"

"I can. It's on my way." Christian offered.

I nodded while Trevor shook his head. "I'll take you. We can stop and get something to eat."

"I can do that and you won't have to get out." Christian countered.

"I want something to eat too, so we're good. You ready Lily?" Trevor asked me.

I left to go get my purse out of his room. When I came back, Trevor and Christian were having a conversation that stopped when I reached them.

"Ready Freddy?" He asked, slinging his arm around my shoulders.

"Ready!" I smiled, happily.

After saying goodnight to everyone, we left. We stopped by Wendy's on the way home for dollar burgers, fries and frostys.

"Thanks Trevor." I said, getting out his car. I turned back to him after a moment. Trevor was watching me, his normally light eyes darkened. The way he looked at me made me blush, and I swore I felt something spark between us...

"Do you wanna come up? Eat and watch a movie or something?" I asked Trevor hopefully.

He paused before speaking. "Not tonight Lilypad. I'm beat." He said, giving me a lazy smile. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Ok. Goodnight." I said quickly, rushing to my dorm.

You would think the sting of rejection would eventually lessen the more you experienced it.


It hadn't.

***PRESENT***

"I don't remember the last time I was rejected like that." I complained to Rocky and Sammy as we cooked dinner Wednesday evening at Sammy's apartment. It was the first time we had been over there. I wasn't sure why I never stopped by to see it. Probably because a part of me was still bitter that she didn't want to live with me anymore. I got over it though, especially since I tried to get a new roommate. Tried and failed.

"What did she say?" Sammy asked me with a little smirk. I was sure she was holding back a shit eating grin. She thought Jasmine moving in was a horrible idea.

"Basically thanks, but no thanks." I supplied, vaguely as I flaked some salmon for croquettes.

Jasmine thought it would be awkward with Jake, even though I told her I discussed it with Jake first.  She also pointed out that while she knew me, she didn't really know me. She said thanks, but she was looking forward to her own space. I said I understood, and let it go.

"Good. Now you realize I'm irreplaceable!" Sammy grinned at me, turning away from the white cheddar macaroni and cheese she was making. It was from a box, but she swore by it. It smelled good.

"To the left, to the left." I sang and danced to her, Beyonce style.

We both cracked up laughing before talking about our weekend plans. I already knew Brandon had to close Sunday evening, so Rocky, Trevor and I were going over to Rachel's house for the super bowl.

Rachel told me last year's super bowl party was at Forrest's apartment. The guys complained the girls talked too much about the commercial, Bruno Mars half-time performance and non football related topics. That's why Rachel was hosting it this year. When her parent's retired to Florida, they left her the 2 story home she grew up in, complete with an upstairs and downstairs living room and a game room that were going to be utilized for the party.

Rachel and Forrest both posted on Facebook so it was an open invitation. The only thing they asked was that everyone brought food or drinks. Forrest requested Rocky make the hot seafood dip she made at the Labor Day game night party. She agreed, so now I was stuck trying to figure out what to make.

The Facebook post became a list of who's bringing what. Someone already called queso dip, so I was still debating what to bring. A part of me wanted something healthy cause I knew Rachel was dieting for the wedding, the other part said: "Fuck that! It's the super bowl bitch!" I was trying to reconcile the two.

Sammy had to work, so she wasn't going to be able to make it. I told her to extend an invitation to Corey. Corey wasn't into football, but Trevor wasn't either, so he would enjoy his company.

When I noticed Rocky not joining in on the discussion, I turned her way. She looked lost in her own little world, chopping onions and celery a little too vigorously.

"Rocky, what's wrong?" I asked her, mixing breadcrumbs, eggs and seasonings into the salmon.

She snapped to attention. "Nothing. Just this damn onion. You need a food processor Sammy."

Sammy rolled her eyes. "Sure. I'll put that on the list."

"You'll never chop again." Rocky commented.

"She doesn't chop now." I joked.

"Fuck off Lily!" Sammy exclaimed. I laughed.

Rocky smiled, but I could tell it was forced.

"What's going on with you Rocky? You seem... distracted."

"Just work stuff. You know how it is." She shrugged, dumping the chopped vegetables in my salmon mixture.

"I don't. I'm killing it at my job. Got a raise to prove it. Enlighten me." I responded as I mixed.

"Same stuff, different day. What's going on with your job Sammy? Why are you working this weekend?" Rocky asked.

"We lost 3 girls that relocated with Ron to Miami. Jeff is part of the Dallas management team and he's been focusing on bringing in new clients. Which he has, but we don't have enough girls. Which means I'm covering until we hire more girls."

"That sucks." I said.

"I've been reaching out to girls on social media. I'm planning to check some of them out next week." Sammy explained.

"Let me know if you want company." I told her. I looked at Rocky.

"Me too." Rocky agreed.

We shaped and fried the croquettes and opened a bag salad to finish our meal. Sammy had a bottle of Chardonnay, so we made our plates and poured our glasses of wine. After dinner, we left and went home.

Thursday at lunch, I got a call from Amber. She received noticed that she passed NCLEX exam! I congratulated her. I was so happy for her. Now she could start looking for RN jobs.

Amber asked me if she could cash in on her free babysitting voucher I gave her for Christmas so she and Will could go out to celebrate. I agreed right away. We set it up for Saturday night. After work, I texted Ethan.

Me: I'm babysitting Amber's kids Saturday. Would love if EJ can hang out with us!

I hadn't seen EJ in weeks and it would be nice since I was watching Amber's kids anyway. Besides, now Ethan had no excuse not to celebrate his birthday.

I gave Trevor a call next.

"Hey, are you busy?" I asked him when he answered. There was a lot of background noise.

"Never too busy for you." He answered.

"It's about this weekend. It looks like I'll be on babysitting duty." I told him.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Amber passed her exam, so she's going out with Will to celebrate. I'm gonna to tell her they can just spend the night. I completely understand if you'd rather spend the weekend in Austin, not surrounded by kids and football." I told him.

Trevor laughed. "No, we'll do something fun with the kids. Maybe take them out again."

"No, I offered to watch EJ. Ethan hasn't responded yet, but if he does, it'll be a four kids. Probably best to have a movie night or something at my apartment. Although, finding a movie they all agree on should be an adventure in itself." I said.

"We'll figure it out. I'll call you back."

"Ok." I said, letting him go.

Later on that evening, Ethan texted me back.

Ethan: EJ wants to come over, so count him in.

Me: Yay! Now you have to go out for your birthday.

Ethan: Have to?

Me: Yep. Time to turn up the heat E-QUATOR!!! :-)

Ethan: See you Saturday

I spent the rest of the evening trying to plan what to do with the kids. Movie and food selection was tough for 3 and 7 year old boys and 8 and 6 year old girls. I was leaning towards Despicable Me 1 and 2 and a taco and ice cream bar.

After Justine's walk and bath, I got ready for bed. I pulled up Pinterest to start looking for healthy tailgate food for the super bowl party. I found several recipes for potato skins that looked good. I could make a variety of healthy and not so healthy ones. I shared a few to Facebook, tagging Forrest and Rachel in them, asking for advice to which ones to make.

As soon as I posted, I was commenting back and forth on Facebook as everyone gave their opinion. After an hour, I decided on traditional bacon and cheese, a Seattle Seahawks themed recipe featuring salmon and New England themed one featuring sweet potatoes.

After I made my decision, I scrolled through my news feed. I looked through the photos Trevor was tagged in. It looked like they went out to a bar. I cringed when I saw Amelia in a few pictures.

I almost didn't recognize her. Gone were the purple highlights. Her hair was a sliver-y blond now with long, choppy layers. She had it pushed behind her ear, showing off her ears that were laced with piercings. Her eyes looked stunning in thick black winged liner. She was wearing a highlighter pink graphic t-shirt dress that barley reached her thighs, mesh hole filled stockings and combat boots completed her look. Anyone else would have looked stupid with such an extreme style, but somehow she pulled it off looking feminine, hardcore and rock star all at the same time.

Urgh, why wasn't she on the road? Trashing hotel rooms, getting drunk and high, hanging with groupies or whatever aspiring artists do. I got off Facebook. Trevor made the comment he wasn't jealous of the guys I've slept with. Maybe I shouldn't be jealous, but I didn't fucking like her. I didn't like that he still hung out with her. Is that normal? Or is that just me?

I pushed those thoughts away. I couldn't be jealous. I hung out with my exes. I needed to get over myself. I texted Trevor goodnight and that I loved him before I put my phone away too.