Snow

"Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh
The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Finally divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now." Snow by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I groaned miserably as I tried to sit up in bed. My head throbbed as I tried to pick myself up.  It wasn't happening. It felt like I was weighed down with big, heavy rocks. My mouth was dry and had a bitter taste stuck in it. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I turned to look at my phone. It said 11:00am. Check out time was 12pm. I had to get up.

Just as I was trying to muster up the strength to sit up, there was a knock on the door to the bedroom, followed by it opening. Amber crept in the room until she noticed I was awake. She gave me a wide smile.

"Hey... How you feeling?" Amber asked.

"What the fuck happened last night?" My voice sounded horrible to my own ears.

"You got white girl wasted. It was brutal." Amber informed me. She walked in with a tall cup of coffee and a Sonic bag. My stomach grumbled angrily and that's what finally gave me the strength to sit up. She handed over the food and I explored the bag. Breakfast burrito, French toast sticks, a sausage toaster and tater tots. I dug in.

"Trevor knew this would wake you up," Amber said, sitting on the bed next to me.

"Where is he?" I asked, rudely, my mouth full of cinnamon, syrup covered bites of heaven.

"He dropped off the food and left. He figured we should let you sleep as long as possible." Amber answered.

I looked around the bedroom. We were in the presidential suite, not our room. I was wearing a man's tank top and boxer shorts. Most likely Trevor's. I could tell by the way the bed was made that I slept alone. Where did Trevor sleep? I felt a sense of dread that made my stomach churn violently.

"Are you gonna be sick?" Amber asked me, concerned.

"No..." I said, gulping down coffee. "Why are we in here? Where did everyone sleep?" I asked.

"You passed out in here. Bilal and Noorie took your room. Gigi and I took the other bedroom." Amber answered.

"Trevor?" I asked.

"The couch."

I frowned. "Was I that bad?"

Amber grinned at me. "What's your definition of bad?"

"Amber..."

She laughed. "Everyone realized you were drunk and it was your birthday. Don't stress."

"What did I do?" I groaned.

"You don't remember?" She asked.

"No!" I said, whining.

"Eat, shower, and change and I'll tell you."

I did as she instructed. I felt human again after the food and a hot shower. My headache would not go away. When I stepped out of the bathroom, Amber opened the curtains and I winced at the sun.

I pulled my hair up in a messy bun before getting dressed. I pulled on my boots before making my way to the living room. Amber, Gigi and Sammy were sitting in the living room area. I joined them with a groan.

"Tylenol?" Gigi asked me.

I nodded and she handed me the bottle. I swallowed two down before looking up at them.

"Who do I need to apologize to?" I asked, sarcastically.

Amber laughed. "I told you everyone was cool. You didn't do anything that bad."

"What did I do?" I asked again.

"We started playing who's the biggest pervert. When you got upset that you hadn't done a lot of the thing on the cards, Blake told you to drink for him. Apparently, that kid has done everything, so you kept drinking." Gigi started.

Ok, that wasn't that bad.

"You also started saving the cards of things you wanted to try-" Amber paused dramatically. "With Gabriel. You asked him to be your partner on a few of them." Amber finished.

Oh fuck.

"What did he say?" I breathed, horrified.

"He just laughed it off, until you acted a card out. You gave him a lap dance." Sammy told me.

Oh God.

"Please tell me I passed out after that." I said, my face burning with shame.

"Not quite. After I pulled you off of Gabriel, you decided to perform for all of us." Amber said.

"You said something like: I dedicate this song to Amelia- you inspired me in Austin and tonight." Gigi continued. "Then you played and sang Big Sean's "I Don't Fuck With You" When Trevor turned it off, you went around the room telling everyone if you fucked with them...if you didn't, you told them why not."

"Oh my fucking God! Why didn't y'all stop me?!?" I exclaimed.

"We tried!" Amber laughed. "I mean, it was nice at first. You fucked with all of us. Of course you said you didn't fuck with Amelia, but we all knew that. You said you were undecided about Noorie and Mara, only because of Rocky."

"Who else did I say I didn't fuck with?" I asked.

"Forrest." Gigi answered.

"What? No way."

"Yes way. Only because people would think you literally fucked him. Then you said you didn't fuck with Rachel because she thought you fucked Forrest." Gigi explained.

I felt like I was going to hurl all the food I just ate.

"What did I say to Serena?" I finally questioned.

"You said you fucked with her." Sammy said. My eyes widened in surprise. "You said she's a bitch, but she's honest. So you respected that."

I nodded. "Blake?"

"You just said ew." Amber giggled.

"Gabriel?" I said, already knowing it was going be bad.

"You would if he would let you," Sammy said.

I put my head in my hands, mortified.

"By then, Trevor tried to get you to sit down and shut up, but you told him you don't fuck with him either. You were about to tell him why when you started gagging." Gigi added.

I looked up then. "Please tell me I did not throw up in front of everyone..."

"No, Trevor got you in the bathroom in time." Sammy said. "He got you cleaned up and changed and into bed after promising you we could have a bathtub party after you took a nap."

"I'm so sorry guys..." I said, pathetically. I was wishing I went home with Rocky now...

"Seriously, it's ok. No need to apologize, but we need to get going. Rocky has my kids right now." Amber said, standing.

"That's right." I remembered Will had to work. "You didn't have to stay."

"I wanted too and Rocky didn't mind."

We gathered up our things and headed to the lobby. As we stood in line to check out, I saw Noorie and Mara step out of the elevators. They walked out the lobby and I saw them meet up with Trevor, Bilal, and Cat standing outside by the car.

"There is one person you should apologize to." Sammy told me.

I just looked at her.

"Trevor." She said when I didn't ask.

I sighed and left Gigi, Amber and Sammy to catch them before they left. When I approached them, the girls gave me sympathetic smiles. Bilal just watched me, curiously. Trevor looked me over before looking away.

"I'm so sorry-" I started.

I stopped when Bilal chuckled. "Don't be sorry. You get a birthday pass."

Noorie stepped up to give me a hug. "We've all been there." She laughed.

I hugged her back with a smile. I looked at Trevor. He watched me, but said and did nothing. When I pulled back, Trevor said, "Thank y'all for coming."

After we said goodbye and they packed up and left, I turned to Trevor.

"Thank you for taking care of me. I'm really sorry." I apologized.

"Ok." He said, plainly.

"That's it? Really Trevor? I'm trying to apologize." I said, annoyed with him and his uncaring attitude.

"I heard you. I forgive you. Now I wanna know why." Trevor said.

"I had too much to drink." I shrugged.

"You drank because you were mad at me. Why?" Trevor said, crossing his arms.

"Amelia told me you're moving to Austin." I blurted out. I debated whether I wanted to have this talk with him. I truly didn't. I didn't want to fight with him, but it was inevitable. I was hurt and pissed that he didn't tell me: about Amelia and Austin.

After everything we talked about and everything we were going through, the least he could do was tell me was the truth. He kept pushing for us to be together. He unearthed feelings that I buried deep. It wasn't fair that he told me what I wanted to hear but not the truth.

"Ok..."

"Ok? How is that remotely ok? You told me you wanted to be with me! You keep saying how I deserve to be treated. I don't deserve to be lied to!" I seethed.

"What makes you think I'm lying to you? Why would you believe what Amelia had to say instead of me?" Trevor questioned me, calmly.

"Because you told her after you fucked her!" I lashed out.

"Is that why you're mad? Because I had sex with her?" Trevor said, indignantly. That pissed me off even more. He had no right to feel self-righteous.

"I shouldn't be surprised that you did. I thought that maybe you really have changed, but obviously not. I just don't understand you! I moved on! I got over you. I didn't care if you wanted to fuck around. I pushed my feelings aside to save our friendship and it's like you want to ruin it!" I exclaimed.

"If you can't even give me the benefit of the doubt and talk to me, we don't have much of a friendship anyway." Trevor said, shaking his head.

"I guess not." I said, tears welling up in my eyes. I turned away from him before he could see them. I joined Amber and Gigi at my car.

"Where's Sammy?" I asked.

"She had to get going... Are you ok?" Amber asked me, studying my face.

"Yeah, just tired. Let's go." I said.

After dropping Amber off at Rocky's house and picking up Justine, I went home. I spent the rest of the day, lazing around and playing with Justine. After I took a nap, I played on my phone, specifically on Facebook and Instagram.

I looked at all the fun pictures from my birthday party. Thank God there was no evidence of my drunken antics posted. I was staring at a picture Jenna posted of me and Trevor. I was looking up at Trevor as he had his arm around me, smiling happily. There was so much admiration in my glance, I would have been embarrassed if Trevor wasn't looking down at me the same exact way. Jenna tagged Trevor and me in it. I couldn't help but wonder if he saw it and what he thought about it. Then I reminded myself I was still pissed at him.

Gabriel friend requested me, so I accepted.

I also finally got my phone switched back to the Samsung Jake bought me. I was relieved afterwards. Change wasn't always the best thing and the iPhone just wasn't working for me. I sent a text to Jake.

Me: Back on team Android. Lol. How was the wedding?

I also sent an apologize text to Rachel and Forrest. Forrest replied right away, telling me no problem.

Hours later as I finished cooking dinner, Jake texted me back.

Jake: Congrats. It was good.

I frowned at his shortness. Maybe he was busy.

------------------

Monday I went to work, so glad my co-workers missed my performance. I told Jordan about them, and she laughed, mad that she missed them.

"I bet you someone has videos..." Jordan said, excitedly as we ate lunch together.

"Not cool Jordan." I said when she laughed harder.

"Guess who was making out at the buffet?..." Jordan asked me.

"I'm hoping Heather and Kendall. Any other combination would be wrong." I said.

"Ding Ding Ding!" Jordan cheered. She filled me in. I listened, thrilled that the drama wasn't about me.

----------------

Tuesday morning, I got around to unpacking my bag. In the corner of my bag sat the jewelry set Ethan got me. It was a beautiful set, with earrings and a pendant on the necklace in the shape of snowflakes. I missed the inscription on the inside of the box. It read:

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.”

I never heard the quote before, but it made me stop what I was doing. I don't know if it was me thinking about what I wanted or the blue of the set, but I needed to speak to Trevor. I called him right away.

"Hello?" He asked, quietly. I knew he was at work.

"Hey, can we meet? For lunch. I need to talk to you." I asked.

"Ok. Subway at 11:30."

I got there early and order us sandwiches, chips and cookies. I got three chocolate chip cookies, 1 for me, 2 for him. When he arrived, I smiled at him. He gave me a little nod.

"What did you get?" He asked, unwrapping the sandwich.

"Pastra-mee!" I joked like the commercials. He gave me a weak smile and we ate in silence.

 Trevor ate half of the sandwich, before talking again. "What did you wanna talk about?"

"I wanted to ask you about your opportunity in Austin. Are you going to take it?"

"I already have." He answered. My heart sank, and I stared at my food.

"Cat's boyfriend is a graphic novelist. Really popular in Japan. He and his friends started a website, like a Facebook for their community. They upload artwork and scenes and reach out to other artists. It's big over there. They wanna make it big over here too. They want me to help integrate it and build a program from start to finish-"

"That's a lot of nerd talk I don't understand." I bristled, rudely. I knew he was excited, I just couldn't get excited about about something that would take him away from me.

Trevor smiled at me. "That's what I've been doing in Austin on the weekends. Working with Cat on this website."

"So that's what you were doing? When you were spending so much time in Austin? Not fucking Amelia?" I smiled.

"We did sleep together. It didn't mean anything. It was never more than that." Trevor confessed. "It stopped a while ago. Remember when I told you there's something better than sex?"

I nodded.

"It's love. I never felt that with any of the girls I was with. That's what I want now" Trevor explained.

I nodded again, thrilled. Then I thought about what my brother said.

"Cam said you were doing something risky? What are you doing? What might not work out?" I asked.

"I asked for a leave of absence from my job so I can work on the website full time for a month, maybe 2. I decided I'm going to do it, but if I don't get leave, I'm going to quit."

"Why? Are weekends not enough?"

"What weekends? I've been spending them with you." Trevor said. I blushed.

"I'm sorry. Now that I know, I understand. I'll go with you to Austin when I don't have to work and we can hang out during the week." I suggested.

"It's not just you. There's interest in the website being bought already. Cat's boyfriend doesn't want to sell until he at least sees it completed. Cat does want me to move out there. I was planning on taking the leave and working 4 days in Austin and spending 3 days out here, so nothing would have to change." Trevor said.

I beamed. "That's perfect. Now all you're waiting for is the leave from your job?"

"I got it. 2 Months."

"Trevor, that's amazing! Congratulations!" I smiled.

"Lily, I'm spending those 2 months in Austin." Trevor announced.

My smile fell off my lips. "But... why?"

"I'm giving you space. To figure out what you want." He answered.

"I know what I want! I want you!" I protested.

"Yeah, but as what? Your best friend that acts like your boyfriend? I can't do that anymore. I thought if I treated you well and showed you I cared about you, that would be enough..."

"It is!" I cut him off.

"It's not. You listened to some girl you don't even like or know instead of talking to me. You did things deliberately to upset me and push me away. I'm done fighting to be with you. It shouldn't be this hard." Trevor finished.

"I fucked up. I'm sorry." I pleaded with him.

"And I forgive you. I just... I believe you when you say you're not ready for a relationship. If you want to have a friendship, I need time away from you."

Tears formed in my eyes. I didn't leave this time. I let him watch them fall down my face.

"Trevor, I can't push my feelings aside. I tried it before and it didn't work. You said I can work on myself with you. I will. I promise."

He shook his head. "Not when I don't trust you like I should. I'm not saying push your feelings aside."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm going to be in Austin for two months. After that, we'll see what happens."

I didn't say anything. He reached over to wipe the tears from my face. I closed my eyes, wishing I could recoil from his touch. I wished it filled me with anger. I wished I could hate him.

But I didn't. I couldn't. I loved him, even if it broke my heart.