Lost Stars

***Mini Bonus****

"And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?" Lost Stars by Adam Levine

After the call ended, I put on a hoodie and headed to the Celestial Park. I needed to get my thoughts straight before we talked. For the first time since the break up, I felt calm. Maybe yelling at him was the relief I needed.

I finally made the decision to meet up with him because I was waiting until I felt ready. Truth is, I didn't know if I would ever feel ready.  I just knew how it felt to not know where you stand with someone. It was maddening. I didn't want to put Jake through that anymore. I guess that's why Jasmine's words really upset me. I wasn't sure what I wanted as far as Jake was concerned, but the least I could do was hear him out. Maybe it would come to me when I did.

I walked by where we had our picnic. I couldn't help but think about that picnic and how I wanted to stay here forever with Jake. We just made up from one of our first major fights. I thought we had talked out our problems with control: him trying to control the relationship and me rebelling against it.

I shook my head as I thought about how wrong I was. In my need to exercise my control, I acted immaturely. I didn't think it was necessary to change the way I acted now that I had a boyfriend. I didn't need to necessarily change, but at least set some boundaries. I equated being conscious of Jake's feeling as being subservient. Once I realized that mistake, I overcompensated for it by being a pushover and giving into whatever he said.

I was all over the place and a complete mess. I realized now it didn't matter if we were completely isolated. It didn't matter how much our friends intervened. It was all us. Not him, not me, but us.

My thoughts were interrupted by Jake approaching. He looked good, as always, and my heart skipped a beat.

"Hey." He said, pulling me in for a hug. I hugged him back, engulfed in his warmth and familiar scent. "Thanks for meeting me." He said, when I pulled away.

"No problem." I said. "Wanna sit?" I said, motioning to the steps.

"Sure."

When he nodded, we made our way down the steps. We stopped on a step that had a line from Robert Frost's "Desert Places" on it. I sat on the edge and he sat right next to me.

"Are you sure you don't wanna go grab something to eat?" He asked, turning to face me.

"Yeah, I'm not hungry. I actually just ate with Forrest." I informed him. I wanted to gauge his reaction. He stiffened.

"How is he doing?" Jake asked. I smiled, knowing he did not care at all.

"Still engaged." I smirked.

Jake sighed. "I didn't mean it like that. I just miss you. I'm used to you spending your free time with me."

"And yet, when I did, we argued. Do you miss that too?" I asked.

"No, but we were fixing that. I was fixing that. That was all me. I'm sorry for that" Jake apologized.

"Did you act like that because I remind you of Cara?" I questioned him. He flinched, but he had to know this was coming. Or maybe he didn't. He might have been used to me accepting his words and never questioning it. I couldn't make that same mistake.

"Yes and no." Jake started. "I get why Omar would think that. On the surface, you two are similar-"

"How so?" I interrupted him.

"Successful, driven, smart, outgoing, but believe me, that's where the similarities end." He said.

"You lived with her right? For how long?"

"Almost 4 years."

That took me by surprise. 4 fucking years? I never imagined it was that serious.

 "We met when I was 20. I didn't believe in committed relationships. My dad was going through his third divorce. It just seemed pointless. The first year I dated Cara, we weren't even exclusive. I asked her to move in with me to show her I was serious about the relationship." He continued.

"And then she cheated on you?" I finished for him.

He fidgeted. "Eventually. I loved her, I really did. So when she wanted me to change, I did it. I was immature and selfish, so I knew I had growing up to do. I don't know. Sometimes I felt like me loving her wasn't enough. Nothing I did was ever good enough, but I kept trying."

I nodded. I knew that feeling way too well.

"She left me once. Just left a note, saying we wanted different things. I see now that she was right. Our values weren't the same. Back then I didn't see it. I just wanted her back and I thought I had her till I found out she was texting a lawyer from her job."

He took a deep breath. I watched him, studying his face. The first time he told me he was cheated on, he sounded so bitter and hurt it made me hurt with him. Now, he sounded just... drained.

"She swore she wasn't cheating on me, but we broke up anyway.  I tried to move on and pretend like I didn't care but I still wanted to be with her. I thought maybe if I was successful and ambitious like the guy she was with, she would come back to me. I didn't realize how wrong I was til I found out she was pregnant." He admitted.

I grabbed his hand.

"We slept together once after the break up. I knew it was small, but there was still a chance it could be mine. So I went to confront her. I don't even know what I was doing. I wasn't ready for a kid. I didn't even know if I wanted one. I just knew I still wanted her, and if it was my kid, she couldn't just... walk away from us. She wouldn't even talk to me when I came over. He did."

He broke eye contact with me at this point. I squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.

"I told him that there was just as much chance that it was mine and not his. That if the baby was mine, I'd fight for custody and we both knew Cara would come back to me. He informed me they would be married by the time the baby was born and in the eyes of the law it would be his child. He threw out a bunch of other legal bullshit about how my rights would be terminated cause I wasn't supporting her or the baby. He told me she already left me twice for him. The only reason she came back was cause she pitied me, but she wouldn't let her child struggle to be with me." Jake stared at our hands the whole time he spoke.

"Jake, I'm so sorry." I said, my eyes filling with tears.

"I'm not. That finally made me see the truth. I wanted to believe her so badly when she said she didn't cheat on me that I missed all the signs. That's what it took for me to open up my eyes and see who she really was."

"What about the baby?" I asked, nervously.

He looked me in the eyes. "Back then, I didn't care. Mine or not, I was finished. About 2 months after the baby was born, her husband sent paternity results to my job, proving he was the father. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it wouldn't have made a difference. I wasn't going to fight them anymore."

I dropped his hands, but he grabbed them back.

"How could I tell you that Lily? Knowing everything you went through, with your parents and your miscarriage, that's when I finally felt regret and shame for my attitude. I spent so much time being angry, I didn't realize how wrong I was."

I shook my head. "How could you not? After everything you asked of me?" I asked, looking him in the eye.

"I know. I have no excuse other than I was stupid. You're nothing like Cara. It took me a year to fall in love with her. I'm already in love with you Lily. I recognized it immediately and up until Vegas, I've been fighting it and testing you."

An angry tear escaped. "Did I pass?" I asked, bitterly.

"Cariño, I failed. I fucked up. Over and over again. I was just so afraid of losing you."

"I never would have judged you because of what happened before me, just like I hoped you wouldn't judge me."

"I know that. I get it now Lily. You deserve better. Someone worthy of you and that fucking scared me. It brought up every insecurity I had with Cara. That's the only way you remind me of her, but the difference is you're not asking me to change. Lily, I need another chance. Let me prove to you the kind of man I am." He pleaded.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I love you-"

"No. Why did you stay with her if she made you feel that way during the relationship?" I clarified.

"Because I thought I deserved it. Everyone always told me how lucky I was she put up with me, especially after our first year together when she asked nothing from me. Not even a commitment. And I loved her." He answered, truthfully.

I nodded. "I love you Jake. I never needed you to change. I never thought you weren't worthy of me."

"I know. I love you too Lily. I want to change, so I can be the best man for you." He confessed.

"I do love you Jake, and even if I was 100% sure you were going to change, I still don't know why I put up with it or how to prevent it from happening again." I said, sadly.

"Lily, that won't be a problem. I promise you."

"Everything she made you feel, I felt the same way. You made me feel that way and I allowed it." I said, tears streaming down my face.

"Cariño-"

"We were together for not even half the amount of time you were with her." I continued, cutting him off. I had to finish before I broke down "I understand, please don't think I don't, I do. I hope you forgive Cara so you can move on and be happy because you deserve that and I hate that she made you feel that you didn't, but I can't be with you. I'm sorry." I said, before standing up. He stood up too,  but said nothing.

I gave him a hug, letting myself feel comfort and warmth one last time in his familiar embrace, before pulling away. I went up the stairs as fast as my legs could carry me. I made it to my car before I burst into tears. I laid my forehead against the steering wheel as I sobbed. I knew deep down I made the right the decision, but it still fucking hurt. It felt like I smashed both of our hearts into pieces. I didn't know where to go from here. I thought making a decision would get rid of my confusion. Now, I just felt lost.