I Try

"Here is my confession
May I be your possession 
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiending
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near" I Try by Macy Gray

Arousal and shame hit me all at the same time.

What the fuck am I doing?

I pulled away from Jake abruptly. He looked down at me, confusion all over his face. His sexy, deceitful, tempting face. Fuck! I had to get away from him.

I stepped around him.

"Cariño?..." He started.

I booked for the door.

"Lily..." He called after me, but I kept going. I didn't even acknowledge Rocky or Brandon. I got into my car and left.

By the time I got home, I had a miss call from Rocky. I ignored it as I stripped off my clothes and jumped in the shower. I tried to scrub off the memories of Jake's kiss, how his body felt against mine and how my body betrayed me by responding to him.

I focused on my anger at Rocky and Brandon. They set me up! I wasn't ready to see Jake. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone. I knew Rocky wanted me to confront him, but I wasn't ready. She had no right to force the issue.

I went to bed after my shower. I laid in bed for the longest time, trying to clear my mind and willing myself to think of nothing. I ended up turning on the TV and falling asleep watching an infomercial.

The next morning, Jordan called and left a message asking me if I wanted to go to the game with them. I texted her back that I wasn't going to be able to make it. The thought of the crowds and interaction made me wanna hide under my covers. So I did. After I woke up awhile later, I pulled out my phone.

Rocky texted me, asking me to give her a call. I ignored her. I checked my Facebook next. Trevor and Bilal were tagged in a picture posted by some girl named Cat. It looked like they were at a lounge. Cat sat between them. I wondered who invited her... Urgh, misery does love company. I wanted everyone to be in a foul mood just because I was.

I went downstairs and rummaged through my kitchen. A cold front came through last night, bringing in cooler temperatures and rain. It made me crave something baked and sweet. I found a box of Bisquick. One Google search later, I had a recipe for apple turnovers.

When I was in California with my aunt, I learned that I was not a pastry chef by any means. Simple things I could do, like boxed cakes or brownies, but I lack the patience and skill to deal with dough. If it required resting, rising, rolling or kneading, I would fuck it up. Pizza dough from a box was a triumph for me. I was up for the challenge that morning though. I needed an activity that would monopolize all my concentration to take my mind off everything.

The end result wasn't that bad. The first few looked a little rough, but by the last half, I was getting comfortable with it. I took the prettier ones and arranged them on a plate. I took a picture and posted it online.

I captioned it:

Can you tell I'm excited for fall?
#AppleTurnovers#BettyCrocker#HowManyDaysTilThanksgiving?

After posting the picture, I brewed some coffee and sat down in the living room with my breakfast. I  turned on the TV and relaxed. I caught up on the news, secretly happy Sammy stayed out. I was excited about the peace and quiet. Now if only my thoughts would shut the hell up.

My phone beeped. I looked down to see it was a text from Forrest.

Forrest: Hey, I'm at work in Lewisville. You should bring me a turnover.

I laughed and texted him back.

Me: What are you doing at school on a Saturday morning?

Forrest: Treatments. The football players are watching film. Speaking of, you watching the Baylor/TCU game later?

Me: I am now! Lol. You and your friends getting together?

Forrest: No. Yours?

Me: I have no friends.

Forrest: lol Wanna meet at a bar?

Me: I hate everyone right now. Drunk people will just piss me off more

Forrest: There's a sport bar in Fort Worth. It's chill, and never crowded. I'll text you the address. See you at 2.

I got up and cleaned the kitchen. I went upstairs and dug around for a Baylor hoodie or sweat shirt. All my t-shirts were too big. I didn't wanna look sloppy. I was already in a bad mood. Looking bad wouldn't help. I know I didn't donate them, but they were probably in my winter plastic bins out in the patio storage. I was in no mood to dig them out. Since I wasn't talking to Rocky, I planned to go over to Trevor's apartment to borrow one of his.

I straightened and curled my hair. I felt bad, but I wasn't going to show it. After I had it in sleek loose curls, I started on my make up. It always took me longer to do a natural face, but I pulled it off.

I then drove over to Trevor's apartment. I hopped over the ledge separating the walkway from the apartment's balcony. I then grabbed the spare key from inside his unused charcoal grill. I don't even know why he has it. The only grilling he did was on the George Foreman, and if it wasn't red meat, I microwaved it. Just to be safe.

After hopping back over the ledge, and posing on it to take a selfie, I walked to the front door. I took more photos of me unlocking the door, rummaging through his closet, and one of me jumping on his bed. I didn't feel bad, it was already unmade.

I found a Baylor long sleeve shirt hanging in his closet. It passed the sniff clean test, so I put it on over my black tee. It was a little too big, but once I tucked it in the waist of my jeans, it looked ok.

I took one last selfie by the front door, making sure the shirt was visible. I wore a cocky grin.

I went ahead and drove to the bar. I was early, but it made no sense to drive home and wait. The bar was a little bit of a hole in the wall, but it was ok. The ambiance fit my mood. One guy booed me. Obviously he was a TCU townie.

"If it makes you feel better, I know they're gonna lose." I reasoned with him.

"As long as you know." He nodded. I shook my head and sat in a booth. I ordered a beer and pulled out my phone. I sent Trevor the picture of me on his balcony.

Trevor: ???

I didn't respond to his text. I waited another 2 minutes before sending him the next photo: me with his key unlocking his door.

He called me then.

I ignored the call and sent the next picture of me at his closet.

Trevor: Wtf Lily!!! What are you doing? You're gonna see some stuff you're not ready to see... :-)

I laughed when I read his text. The waiter came back with my beer. I thanked him and took a sip before texting Trevor the next picture of me jumping on his bed.

Trevor: You know you just declared war?!?

I giggled.

"What's so funny?" Forrest asked me, as he slid into the booth across from me.

"One second and I'll show you." I said to him, while I sent Trevor the last photo of me in his shirt with the caption:

Bring it on!!!

I looked up and smiled at Forrest. He was wearing a TCU shirt and had put a messenger bag at the corner of the booth seat.

I showed him the texts and told him what I did. He laughed and called me crazy. I put my phone away in my purse. "What's in the murse?" I asked Forrest.

"Murse?" He asked, confused.

"Male purse." I grinned.

"Ha ha ha." Forrest said. I laughed at him before he explained.

"Rachel got it for me. And I have tests I need to grade in it."

"Really? You brought work? I'm that boring?" I pouted.

"You said you didn't wanna be bothered with people. Get to work and no one will bother you." He smiled.

"Alright, but you're buying me lunch first." I informed him, pulling out my menu.

"Fine. Stick with a sandwich." He suggested.
I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. "Trust me, cheap beer is the only thing they do well. They don't mess up sandwiches."

I took his advice and ordered a burger with fries. He did the same.

"So, tell Forrest why you're in a bad mood." He started once the waiter took our order.

"Why is Forrest referring to himself in the third person?" I asked, taking a sip off my beer.

"I was gonna say daddy, but it sounded creepy in my head."

I choked on the beer I was drinking. Forrest's eyes widened and he got up to help me. I waved him off. When I caught my breath, I laughed.

"Forrest, that was so creepy!" I exclaimed.

"That's why I didn't say it!"

"Just the fact that you thought it! Gross!"

"Stop stalling and tell me what's going on with you." He said, firmly.

So I did. I told him about what caused Jake and my break up and my relapse the night before. Then I told him about my anger at Sammy and Rocky.

He thought it over as we began to eat our burgers.

"That sucks." He said, finally. I waited for him to continue. He just keep eating.

"What? That's it?" I said, putting my burger down.

"I mean, it does. But I can't give you my opinion on it..." He said.

"You're the first."

"There are two sides to every story. The truth lies in the middle. Regardless, you gotta do what is right for you." He said.

"And I'm trying. I know I should leave him. I hate the way he treated me and made me feel, but I still love him. When it was good, it was really good. The good times don't outnumber the bad, but I can't help how I feel." I explained.

"How do you feel?"

"If I stay, I'm a dumbass that allowed him to walk all over me. Why wouldn't he do it again? If I walk away from him, I'm giving up on love. What if he really does change? I'm just damned if I do, damned if I don't." I said, miserably.

"You know why I was, for lack of a better word, drawn to you?" Forrest said, after a moment.

That snapped me out of my misery.

"Wh..What?" I stuttered.

Forrest smiled. "Not like that. I just don't make a habit of making friends with girls, unless it's through Rachel. The more I got to know you, especially now, I see why I was drawn to you. You remind me so much of myself at your age."

I rolled my eyes. "You're not that much older than me."

"I know, maybe it's cause we grew up kinda the same. I just feel like I've been where you're at. Your perspective, mentality, priorities, I've had them. Still have a lot of them. Sounds kinda corny, but I feel like you're the female version of me."

I shook my head. "So what would the male version of me, at my age, do in this situation?"

He chuckled. "I don't know. Only you know what's best for you. I just know a lot of my relationship failed because I wasn't ready. If you feel like you and Jake can work on your problems together, go for it. Only the two of you know if that's possible or not."

I nodded, thinking about it. "Thanks Forrest."

"No problem."

We spent the rest of the game at the bar drinking beer and grading papers. He also caught me up with Rachel and the wedding planning. He told me they had a little argument about the music at the wedding. Apparently, it was his job. Now she was threatening taking it away because he chose a Keith Sweat song for their first dance.

I gave him a crazy look.

"Not one of those songs. "Make It Last Forever" he said.

"Hmmm, we can do better. I'll send you some suggestions."

"Not the point. It's my job." Forrest laughed.

"Not for long if you keep fucking up." I laughed too.

After Baylor pulled off a miraculous victory and a lot of gloating from me, Forrest pulled me out the bar, I hugged him goodbye and went home.

I was going to post pictures on Facebook, gloating about Baylor's win over TCU, when I saw Trevor posted three pictures of me: one of me on his balcony, me jumping on his bed and the snap shot of the text I sent him of me wearing his shirt telling him to bring it. He tagged me and my brother and captioned it:

What would you do if someone broke into your apartment? #ThisMeansWar #It'sAlreadyBeenBrought#SkiMask&Shovel

I busted up laughing. I read through the comments. Most of them consisted of suggestions of pranks to do to me. I commented right away.

Me: You just quoted Bring It On! Stop!@Trevor #NotAboutThatLife #FakeGangsta #Not Scared

I was waiting for Trevor to respond when I got a IM from Jasmine on Facebook messenger.

Jasmine: Hey, u there?

Me: I am...

Jasmine: Have you spoken to my brother recently?

I groaned inwardly before answering.

Me: Yeah

Jasmine: So you know he and Omar had a fight?

Me: I do

Jasmine: I know he's why y'all broke up. I know it's none of my business, but does Jake know you don't wanna try again?

I frowned up at the screen. Of course not. I didn't even know what I wanted at this point.

Me: Why do you ask?

Jasmine: I know what Omar said wasn't ok, but you two going back and forth on Facebook is not going to solve anything. Jake is in the middle, and it's not fair if you don't wanna be with him. Please don't lead him on.

Me: Ur right. It's none of your business. Have a great weekend.

I logged off before she could respond. Back and forth? What the fuck is wrong with her? Sammy posted a video, not me. Granted, I did make a joke about Omar and Jake, but it was never my intention for either one of them to see it and as soon as I saw it, I wanted it down. Quite frankly, Omar could take a long walk off a short cliff for all I cared. I wasn't in a relationship with him, so I couldn't care less about what he thought about me. My issue was with Jake. That's why our relationship ended. Although these outside influences definitely didn't help...

What was wrong with people? Why did they think they had the right to insert themselves into our business? What had, will or won't happen with Jake was between Jake and me. Unless I asked for their advice, opinion or help, everyone else needed to fuck off. I was so pissed off, I unblocked Jake and called him.

"Hel-"

"Really Jake? I'm leading you on now? That's such bullshit." I yelled over the phone, before he had a chance to finish greeting me.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

"Jasmine just messaged me! You told your sister I'm leading you on? Cause I told you I wasn't ready to see you! I told you to give me time! But no!!! You plotted with fucking Brandon and Rocky! And you fucking kissed me!" I ranted. I only stopped to take a breath. He was still silent.

"Say something!" I demanded.

"I was letting you finish." He said.

"I'm fucking done for now." I seethed.

"I know I shouldn't have kissed you, Lily. I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk to you, but I was willing to wait. As for plotting, I had no idea you were going to be at the house. It was dumb luck-"

"More like bad fucking luck." I interjected.

"Maybe..." Jake responded. "As for Jasmine, I never said you're leading me on. I'm sorry she said anything to you. The only thing I ever told her was that I was trying to get you back. That's it."

"Why would she say that?" I asked, frowning.

"I don't know Cariño. I will find out-"

"No, don't. Leave it alone. As long as we got it straightened out, that's fine with me."

"Are we? Straightened out, I mean?"

"I guess."

"Can we just call a truce? And keep everyone out of our relationship from now on?" Jake asked.

"We don't have a relationship." I said. It hurt just saying it. The words hung between us until he sighed.

"I know, but regardless, whatever we decide, can we keep it between us? I'm tired of apologizing for everyone else. I have enough to be sorry for."

I smiled. "Deal... and yeah you do." But so did I.

"Can I see you tonight? So I can start?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes. Wanna met at the park we went to before?"

"Wherever you wanna go Lily."

"Ok. See you there in 30 minutes."

***Check back tomorrow for mini bonus Lost Stars!***