Under Control

"I'll never forget that feeling
When I watched you disappear
When you made me stop believing
I could fight away the fear
Now the smoke has cleared
And the end is near
It was my illusion
Like a broken dream I was incomplete
But your love was never missing
I feel like I am breathing again
I feel like I am seeing again
I feel like I am breathing again
I got it under control" Under Control by Ellie Goulding

The scrutiny I received outside the gated community Christian stayed at was nothing compared to the huge guy who opened the door for me. He looked me over, from my wind blown hair to the top of my booties. I was seriously regretting not calling Christian from the car and letting him know I was here. I was worried that if I just parked on the driveway, the overzealous security guard would have apprehended me for casting the place.

I somewhat understood the security guards reluctance to let me in the community. I had to look down at my phone to remember the address of the house, I gave Christian's name not knowing he wasn't the home owner and I was driving Bianca's 98 Pontiac Grand Am that was in desperate need of a paint job. After a phone call, the guard opened the gate and gave me instructions on how to get to the house. I drove off after he wished me a good evening. I wasn't aware that was just the beginning of my struggles.

"You from 4play?" The guy finally asked me when his glance fell on my face.

"No..." I hesitated.

"I didn't think so." He replied, looking me over again.

I crossed my arms, skived out by his appraisal of my body. "Christian invited me." I informed him.

He opened up the door for me and gestured me in. Before I could even look around, he shoved a pen and a stack of papers at me.

"Initial every page, sign where it's highlighted, then I'll go get Christian." He instructed me. I looked down at the paper. "Nondisclosure Agreement" was in bold print across the top.

"Uhh, can you just go get Christian for me? I'll wait outside." I offered.

"I don't care where you wait, you still need to sign-" he blustered at me.

"Chill out scrap." Christian appeared, coming to meet us in the doorway. I sighed in relief at seeing him and smiled when he grabbed the agreement out my hand and shoved them back to the guy.

"I told you we need to tighten up." He scowled but took the papers from Christian.

"I told you she's cool." Christian replied before turning to me. "Lily, this is my manager, Hugo. Hugo, this is Lily."

Hugo snorted before leaving us.

"I would have signed it, if you wanted me to."

"Nah, you're not grimy and I got dirt on you if you decided to be." Christian said, leading me through the house. "You want a tour?" Christian offer.

"No, I just bought a house. I don't wanna be house shamed." I replied as I surveyed the room we were walking through. It was monochrome in black and white which strange artwork that gave it a weird futuristic vibe.

"Congratulations. Get me the address and I'll send you and Trevor a potted plant." He responded with a smile.

"What is 4play?" I asked him, changing the subject.

"A strip club." He replied,

"Ok...Should I be offended or pleased Hugo didn't think I was from there?" I questioned.

He stopped and gave me look over too. "You just don't dress like a stripper."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

We stopped in the kitchen. It was state of the art, with all types of cool looking gadgets I didn't recognize. My years of bartending did make me able to pick out the expensive bottles of champagne and liquor. A loud ruckus of cheers and laughter rang out as we stood in the kitchen. "I didn't  mean to interrupt the party."

"You're not. My manager is partying while forcing me to work on my album."

"So you are putting an album together?"

"I did put an album together. C'mon." He led me outside to the massive backyard. There was a pool, a gym, a trampoline, a huge sitting area and a back house that was a separate recording studio. We walked into the studio where a group of 3 guys were hanging out, listening to music and smoking.

It was awkward as first, not knowing any of the guys he was hanging with but his friends were super smart and funny. They were YouTube and Vine celebrities that made humorous videos for a living. I learned that's how Christian got his break. After college, he moved back east and produced background tracks for their videos while looking for steady work. When a video went viral, so did the song and the rest was history.

Between listening to Christian's new album and drinking Kava tea, I loosened up. We were all joking and laughing and making fun of Christian's manager. Just my 5 minute interaction with him provided me enough evidence to agree he was a douche.

Hugo was making Christian add another track to the album that I thought was already amazing. The album was a infectious mixture of EDM and hip-hop featuring big name stars and underground artist I never heard of. His manager thought it would be a good idea to "cash in" on the Noelle scandal by making a song about threesomes. I couldn't help much with the creative process, but I enjoyed listening to beats and trying to keep up with their fast paced humor.

By 4 o'clock in the morning, everyone dispersed until it was just Christian and I digging for beats. We left the studio for the backyard sitting area. I chose an oversized oval cushioned wicker chair and he sat across from me in a lounge chair. We sat there, in silence, before I asked, "What the fuck was in that tea?" I didn't realize the effect of it until it was wearing off. It made me relaxed, comfortable and in a great mood.

"You're supposed to ask that before you drink it" he chuckled at me. "It's kinda like liquid Xanax."

"You drugged me!" I exclaimed.

"No. It's all natural. Besides, it makes these kinda talks easier."

"You didn't drink any."

"I'm high."

"Oh, right." I said, taking in his bloodshot and slanted eyes. I took that as my cue to talk.

"What's going on with you and Noelle?"

"We're taking a break. I could forgive her, but it's an impossible to forgive someone who feels no remorse. She doesn't think what she did was a big deal." Christian answered.

"Bianca says she's in love with Noelle. It's a big deal to her." I told him.

Christian made a face. "Tell her good luck with that."

"I'm sorry but I have to ask, do you think Noelle has genuine feelings for Bianca?"

"I know they're still talking. There's gotta be a reason for that. I just don't believe Noelle is capable of loving anyone more than herself."

"Fair enough."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What's good for the goose."

He flashed a little smile before turning somber. "How is Trevor? I wanted to reach out, but I didn't think he would want that." He said, looking embarrassed.

"Probably not." I concurred. "He's done with chemo. Has surgery soon so it's looking good."

"I'm glad to hear that. Let me know if there's anything I can do." He offered.

"Yeah." I nodded. "I should get going. My flight is soon."

"Are you ok to drive?" He asked, watching me struggle to get to my feet. It was because the chair was so comfortable- I could have curled up and went to sleep on it.

"Yeah- I'm ok." I stretched.

"I still have things to figure out with Noelle. I let you know when I do." He said, standing up too.

"Thank you Christian" I paused and looked up at him. "You shouldn't get back together with her."

"You're not just saying that because your cousin loves her?" Christian asked with a smirk.

"No, underneath the asshole suit you wear, you're a decent guy. You deserve someone who cares about your feelings, even if she doesn't agree with them."

He nodded and I gave him a hug before we walked to the front door. I waved as he watched me leave.

I got back to Bianca's apartment with just enough time for a 10 minute shower. When we arrived at the airport, I turned to Bianca.

"I takes more than love to keep two people together. Before you go all into a relationship with Noelle, make sure she's all in too." I said.

"I will." She nodded. I gave her a hug, told her that I loved her and left.

As I waited for my plane to board, I checked my voicemail. Rocky left me a message asking me to invite Forrest to her gender reveal. Trevor called to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. My brother left me a message wanting me to call him back when I was ready to talk. Jenna left me a message too, apologizing profusely saying it was all her fault. That definitely took me by surprise and I was tempted to call her back, but I was too tired. I did call Dr. Pereira, my therapist, to see about setting up an appointment for the day. I didn't want to wait another week to meet with her. I had so many things going on in my head I really needed to talk them out.

On my layover in Vegas, I got a message from Dr. Pereira office saying she could see me at 4pm. I called back to confirm the appointment before ignoring the notifications on my phone.

By the time I got to Dallas, I barely had time to pick up Justine and change before it was time for my appointment with my therapist.

"Thank you for seeing me today Dr. Pereira." I said once she escorted me back to her office.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" She asked me as we sat down.

"It was uneventful. The day before was not." I admitted.

"Tell me what happened."

I told her about my confrontation with my dad after finding out he was engaged.

"When we last spoke, you weren't ready to face your dad. What made you change your mind about seeing him?"

"I didn't." I replied. I explained to her how I originally thought my brother had set me up. Now, thanks to her message, I believed it was was Jenna.

"I didn't think I would see him. I really went to California to see my cousin. She's... in her first homosexual relationship with my friend's girlfriend. Or ex, they're taking a break because of her relationship with my cousin." I explained.

It was weird saying it out loud. It was weirder calling Christian my friend. We weren't really friends, but hanging out with him made me see we could at least be friendly.

"I'm trying to be supportive of Bianca but I don't see this ending well. She just, she just doesn't see it. I don't understand how she doesn't see what a fucked up relationship she's in." I said, frustrated.

"Perception is our reality." Dr. Pereira commented.

"I'm... not sure what that means." I said, thoughtfully.

"Perception is based off what we believe, think and feel. That's how you and Bianca can see the same relationship in two completely different ways."

"But... perception doesn't change the truth, does it?" I said, confused.

"Perception can alter reality. For example, last time I saw you, you said you weren't ready to see your dad." She paused to look at her notes. "You said that if you saw him, you would be angry and ruin the holiday correct?"

I nodded, biting my lip.

"Now tell me what he said or did that made you upset?"

"I felt... cheated. Like everyone gets to move on with their life and be happy while I'm stuck here in therapy, trying to figure out what's wrong with me." I explained.

"I understand your feelings, but what did your dad say or do to make you feel that way?" She pressed.

"I don't know." I said, tearing up.

"Lily-" she started, reprovingly.

"Fine. He didn't say anything. It was me." I brushed away an angry tear.

She nodded, handing me a tissue. "You have to be conscious of your own perception. The world and the way we see it is reflective of who we are and what we want it to be. It drives your behavior Lily. Eventually, you become the person you think you are. Who do you think you are?" Dr. Pereira asked me.

I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't. The only things I ever thought about myself were flaws. I honestly thought of myself as my mother's and father's mistake, my brother's burden, my friend's flunky, and my significant other's inferior. I never felt good enough for any of them. I lived with the fear that one day they would abandon me.

Tears were streaming down my face now. Dr. Pereira handed me another Kleenex. "Together we can work on where the negative feelings about yourself come from, but ultimately, it's your choice-You get to decide how you choose to live."

I cleaned my face off. "Ok."

"I want you to write down who you want to be. Start thinking, feeling, and believing it. Change your perception and I promise you can change your reality."

I nodded.

When I got back to the apartment, I went for a long run with Justine. When we got home, I settled in on the couch and began my list. Confident - I never wanted insecurities to hold me back. Patient- I was so impulsive, especially when I was unhappy or mad. Honest but tactful- that would help me control my emotions. I stopped and read over my list. When I realized I was focusing on the things I lacked, I took some time to write the things I liked about myself. I added adventurous and generous. Trustworthy and open hearted. The last thing I added was loyal on my list before my phone rang.

Trevor.

With everything going on over Thanksgiving, Dr. Periera and I didn't even talk about my conflicting feelings about Trevor. I didn't want to keep blowing him off, and we still had our party to plan, so I picked it up.

"Hey." I answered.

"Hey. You can answer your phone."

"Sorry, it's been a crazy few days." I replied.

"Yeah? You've been having a lot of those lately. How crazy was it?" He asked.

I frowned up, detecting a little bit of a weird tone in his voice. "You know, just traveling and going home."

"I don't know. I haven't been doing a lot of traveling lately."

"Traveling during the holiday. I'm sure you can imagine." I responded. There was definitely a tone. I panicked, thinking something was wrong.

"How was your Thanksgiving?" He asked, strained.

"It was good." I said, waiting for him to tell me why he was upset.

"Just good?"

"Yeah, just good. What's wrong with you?" I asked concerned.

"Nothing. Just wondering how long you've been lying to me?" Trevor responded, pissed off.

"Lying about what?" I asked shocked.

"How bout not knowing whether you had to work on Thanksgiving for starters?"

I sighed deeply. "I'm sorry I lied. I just didn't know what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving-" I started.

"When did you decide you wanted to do Christian?" Trevor cut me off.

"Trevor stop and listen to me. I wasn't in California to see Christian." I tried to explain.

"It was just a coincident?" He asked, bitterly.

"No, it wasn't-" I said, truthfully. He cut me off before I could finish.

"I didn't think so. Last thing I knew, you weren't talking to him."

"Will you let me explain?" I said, getting angry that he wouldn't even hear me out.

"It's fucked up that the one person you told me not to worry about when we were together is the same guy you're hanging out with now. It makes me wonder what else you were lying about." He said.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. It took everything in me not to say anything as he continued his rant.

"But you know you can do whatever you want. We're not together. I don't even care that you're hanging out with him. You don't have to lie to me anymore."

I waited after a couple moments of silence before I began. "You're right- I shouldn't have lied about the whole Thanksgiving thing. I should have been honest with you from the beginning."

"So you're with him now?" He said, sounding devastated.

"No. I'm not. Do you even believe me?"

"Why were you with him then?" He said, disbelievingly.

"I don't have to explain myself. Either you believe me or you don't."

"I think you owe me an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything Trevor. We're not together, remember? My friend would believe me." I calmly told him.

"I don't believe you. Have a great life with him." He said before he hung up on me.

Tears sprang to my eyes. I blinked them away and wrote one last thing on my list.

Independent.

I needed to get over my fear of being alone. I wanted to know I could be fine on my own. Not just fine, I wanted to be happy. I had to start thinking and acting for myself.

The first step towards that was ending the friendship I thought I had with Trevor.