Out of Control

"I feel like I'm spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything's twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
To let me know I'm not alone
But in fact that's exactly what I was
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
I'm spinning out of control
Out of control
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me
Cause I don't know
If I can trust you
All of the things you've said to me
I may never know the answer
To this endless mystery
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don't understand what you want from me" Out of Control by Hoobastank 



Since I wouldn't be back in Dallas until Friday afternoon, I tried to reschedule a therapy appointment before I left. Dr. Pereira was booked but she asked if it was urgent to see to her. I was confused and wanted to talk before going to California, but it wasn't an emergency. I told her I was fine and would see her the following Friday.

I let Cam and Rocky know I was going to California for Thanksgiving. I told Rocky I was still going to try to make it to her baby reveal in Houston. I also made sure she knew Trevor's good news and told her about us planning to celebrate the end of chemo and our birthdays together. She sounded surprised about the party, but she just rolled with it- letting me know she was down for whatever.

When I told Cam I would be spending Thanksgiving with my Aunt Patty, he joked and said he believed I could handle two dinners- just skip bread and come to his house afterwards.  I told him I could, but I loved bread too much and I didn't want to see dad. Before he could try to convince me otherwise, I promised him my new years resolution would be to work on my relationship with Dad, but I wasn't ready for it right now. He reluctantly agreed, asking me when I flew in. When I told him Wednesday, he offered to pick me up so I could at least spend time with him and Jenna's family. I quickly agreed.

I left Justine in Dallas with Amber to avoid the added work of flying with her. At first Amber didn't know if she could, saying she would be too busy working to take care of her. I reminded her she owed me for telling Will I've been out partying with her when I hadn't. She stuttered, trying to explain but I cut her off. I told her we would talk about it later, but in the future to let me know when she needed me to- you know, cover for her lies. She quickly agreed and mentioned how low maintenance Justine was when she last watched her. I knew she was lying- Justine was hyper as hell but it was two days. That's what friends are for- covering for each other and pet-sitting.

I arrived in California late in the evening with the time difference. I called Bianca and let her know I was in town. I invited her to hang out with us, but she had plans to go out with friends. I called my brother next, letting him know I would meet him by the exit. I was exhausted, but perked up immediately when I saw my brother waiting for me. I gave him a huge hug before he grabbed my bag off my shoulder as we headed to his car.

"Dad was asking about you." Cam said as we left the airport.

"I'm sure he was."

"He's always asking about you." Cam emphasized.

"I get it. I really do plan on working on our relationship."

"Talking would be a good first step."

"I know. I just have... a lot of pent up feelings I need to deal with. I've started on it- I'm seeing a therapist, but I'm not there yet." I informed him.

"You're seeing a therapist?" Cam asked, surprised.

"What? I need help dealing with everything. You did too! You married yours!"

"I didn't mean anything by that. I'm glad you're getting help. How long have you been going?"

"About a month."

"How do you feel about it?"

"Besides crazy? It's good. Helpful."

"Good."

"So how's it been having your mother in law stay with you?" I asked, teasingly trying to lighten the mood.

"She's great."

"Really? She and Jenna don't gang up on you?"

"No, she loves me. She keeps Jenna in line and cooks at least 3 times a day. Did you know Italian food was more than pasta?"

"Duh." I smiled at him.

"I'm talking soups, fish, scallops and veal. " he rattled off. I laughed at his enthusiasm. "I thought I hated anchovies until she cooked with them.

"Jenna cooks too!" I said once I stopped laughing.

"Once a week. With her mom, I feel like I'm king of the castle everyday."

"Don't let it get to your head peasant." I snorted.

"As the king's sister, you get the royal treatment too. She was finishing stuffed mushrooms when I left."

As soon as we walked into his house, the smell of tomatoes, garlic and other heavenly scents hit me and my stomach grumbled embarrassingly.

"Can we start the tour of the castle in the kitchen, your majesty?" I asked, impatiently.

"I told you." Cam grinned at me. The only time I saw his house was when my dad had the movers over. The walls of the foyer were an inviting and warm buttery color. Cam led me to the fully furnished living room. Shades of gray, cream and blue made the room look so cozy but chic. Chrome picture frames immediately grabbed my attention on one of the walls. The center picture was a gorgeous wedding photo of Jenna's hand resting over Cam's showing off their wedding bands. All around it was family pictures that I had to stop and look at.

"That was Jenna's idea." Cam told me as he stopped beside me.

"It's beautiful." I said, examining the photos one by one.

I smiled at the candid picture of Jenna, Carly and Amanda spinning in awful, puffy, matching white dresses, skipped over the family portrait of my dad, Cam's mom and Cam as a toddler, and grinned at the shot of Cam and me as kids, arms around each other, scowling at my dad who stopped our fun at the park to take the photo. The grin fell off my face when I heard the unmistakable high pitch laugh of Beatrice, my dad's worst kept secret girlfriend. I looked over at Cam in confusion. He looked startled as well.

"I'll be right back. Stay right here." He said, before striding towards the kitchen.

I hesitated briefly before I followed. I wasn't going to wait around- Whatever was going on, I wanted to know. I followed him into the kitchen. My eyes met my dad's before I realized this was a fucking ambush.

"Lily! So good to see you again." Elena, Jenna's mom, smiled widely, rushing over to give me a hug.

"It's good to be seen." I joked hugging her back with my eyes trained on Cam. He gave me a perturbed look that I wasn't sure if I bought.

Jenna hugged me next, and I complimented her on her beautiful home. Carly was after her- She was very careful not to mess up her recently curled hair. Amanda and I playfully fawned over each other like we hadn't seen one another in years. I was still smiling when Beatrice approached me.

"To be young and beautiful. I wished I looked that good coming from the airport." She gushed, giving me a hug.

I was wearing fitted green twill pants and a white scoop neck short sleeved shirt. My hair was pulled up in a ponytail and I wasn't wearing any make-up. I was sure she dressed up more to go to bed.

"Thank you." I said polietly, fighting my childish urge to keep my arms to the side during her hug. When she pulled away, she turned to my dad.

"Doesn't she look great Carlos?" Beatrice asked him.

"Always." He said, nodding. I gave him a tight smile.

"Are you hungry? You didn't eat on the plane did you?" Elena asked me.

"I'm starving. The way Cam's been talking about your cooking, I'm glad I didn't eat." I responded.

Elena beamed. "Let's go sit down then. Amanda, Jenna- help bring out the food. Carly, you can get the wine." Elena instructed.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked.

"No. Go sit down."

I reluctantly followed my dad, Cam and Beatrice to the dining room.

"I didn't think you were coming home for Thanksgiving." Dad commented to me as he sat opposite Cam at the end of the table.

"I wasn't originally." I offered, sitting safety away from both of them in a middle seat.

"When do you go back?" My dad asked.

I looked at him, then Cam. That didn't sound like a man who asked about me all the time. It sounded like someone who wanted me gone. That, paired with his reaction when he saw me, let me know he was set up too.

"Friday morning." I replied

"Where are you staying the next couple of nights?" Beatrice said, taking her seat next to Dad and rubbing his arm.

"With my cousin."

"You know you can stay here." Cam said, sending an apologetic look my way. I ignored it.

"Bianca is going through a rough time right now. That's the only reason why I'm in town- to check on her." I replied.

"Is she well? Have you told Patricia what's going on?" My dad questioned me.

"She will be and I'm leaving that up to Bianca."

Thankfully, the food and wine were served. I filled my plate high with the stew, pasta, stuffed peppers and mushrooms. I turned down the wine and stuck with water. The conversation turned to how good the food was. I was amazed Elena did all this cooking, plus cooking for Thanksgiving. It was absolutely delicious.

"It's just me at home now. I missed cooking for others." Elena admitted at our praise.

"I already told you the guest room and the kitchen is all yours if you move out here Ma." Cam said, causing us all to smile or laugh.

"Maybe when you two have a child, son." Elena smiled.

"You wouldn't move." Jenna spoke up. "You said you couldn't be that far from Amanda."

"Just Amanda? Thanks Ma." Carly exclaimed.

"Carly, you travel so much you're hardly in Missouri and when you are, you're busy with you job or friends. I just want to make sure Amanda is settled before I do anything else." Elena explained.

"So I have to screw up or be a loner to get your attention?" Carly muttered into her wine. Amanda ignored her and kept eating. I sent Carly a glare.

"You got plenty of attention in high school, or don't you remember?" Jenna said, slyly, sipping on her wine.

"Should you be drinking of you're trying to get pregnant?" Carly said, just as sly.

"Carly. Jenna." Elena said, sharply. Just her saying their names was enough for them to drop it, although Jenna looked ready to throw her wine on Carly. Elena turned to me. "I really appreciate what you and Trevor are doing to help Amanda out. Please pass that on to Trevor."

"I will." I nodded, focusing on my stew.

"What are you and Trevor doing?" Dad asked me.

I was still chewing so Amanda answered. "They're letting me stay at their apartment until I get on my feet."

"So you and Lily are going to be roommates?" Dad asked.

"Until Lily moves into her house. Amanda showed me pictures- it's lovely." Elana said.

Beatrice looked at me surprised. "You're buying a house?"

I cleared my throat. "I bought a house." I corrected her.

Cam took a deep breath. He already knew- I asked him not to say anything to my dad about it. Judging by the way dad's scowl, he kept his word.

"Where did you buy a house?" He asked, sharply.

"In Plano. Not too far from the apartment." I answered.

"With Trevor?" He grunted out.

"No." I said, between my teeth.

It was a tense silent until Carly said, "I helped Jenna design this house. Let me know if you need my expertise."

"Thanks." I said, blandly knowing that would never happened. I did love the design, but not her fucking attitude. We ate quietly until desert. Over cake and coffee, Elena asked me, "How is Trevor doing dear?"

"He's ok. He just got great news. He's done with the chemotherapy."

"You must be so relieved." Elena said.

I nodded. "You have no idea."

"I'm so glad to hear that Lily. I've been praying for both of you." Beatrice said. I ignored her.

"I thought chemotherapy was the first part of his treatment." My dad stated.

"It is." Cam answered.

"He still needs surgery." Dad commented.

I took a breath and tried to explain my feelings to him."For the first time, it feels like..." I struggled to find the right words. "The final stretch of a race."

"It's like the light at the end of the tunnel." Jenna explained. My dad didn't look convinced.

"The cancer, it's hereditary correct?" Dad asked me. I felt my grip on my fork tighten.

"Dad-" Cam started, but I cut him off.

"Yeah, what's your point?" I finally snapped at him.

My dad shook his head and thought better of whatever he was going to say. I put my fork down when I noticed my hand was trembling.

"Excuse me." I said, standing and leaving. I went to the bathroom, turned on the water and tried to relax. I reminded myself that I could feel whatever I wanted, I just needed to control my actions. I pulled out my phone. I saw Bianca and Trevor both called me, but I pulled up Uber to get a ride. Cam would have taken me to Bianca's place, but I was pissed at him too for setting this night up.

I splashed water on my face and dried my face before leaving. Outside the door, my dad was waiting for me.

"Fu- fudge Dad. You scared me."

"Are you ok?" He said, looking me over critically.

"I'm fine."

"We need to talk." He told me.

"This is not the time nor place."

"When is it going to be the time and place? You may not feel the need to share your life with me but I have things I need to share with you." He argued.

"I'm sure you do, but it's not going to happen tonight." I said, as calmly as I could muster and walked away.

When I went back into the dinning room, everyone was clearing the table. I gathered more plates to take the kitchen where Carly and Amanda were wishing them.

"You really need to share how you lost weight with Amanda. I saw your old high school pictures. You used to be bigger than her." Carly laughed at herself while Amanda looked down.

I reigned in my anger and calmly asked her, "What's your problem?"

"What? I'm trying to help. You would cry if you got that big again, right?" Carly challenged me.

"No, I would cry if I was a bitch like you." I said to Carly. I faced Amanda. "Boxing is the secret. I take every negative, stupid, bitchy person in my life, picture them on a punching bag, and beat the hell out of it. It's a great workout."  I smiled.

When Amanda started laughing, Carly grabbed a towel and stomped out. I laughed too and helped Amanda with the dishes.

"Thanks for that." She said.

"Anytime, but you gotta start sticking up for yourself."

"I don't want to fight with her."

"You don't have to fight with her, she just has to respect your boundaries. Trust me, I know." I said as we finished up.

We joined everyone in the living room. I asked to see the wedding photography since there were pictures I haven't seen. I thumbed through the booklet, stopping to look at any pictures Trevor was in. He looked so happy and healthy- it was scary to see how quickly things changed. I missed us so much. Being his friend didn't help- it just made long for how we used to be.

"... I loved how simple you did your wedding. I want the same thing." Beatrice told Jenna.

I scoffed, thinking how she should probably date a man that would call her his girlfriend before planning a wedding...

...Then it hit me. Beatrice invited to a family dinner, Cam pushing me to talk to Dad, the set up, my dad wanting to share things with me.

"Are you two engaged?!?" I accused them, over whoever was speaking.

Beatrice hand went over her ring finger, which was bare so that confused me. I looked up at my dad who cleared his throat.

"I wanted to tell you-"

I didn't even hear the rest of his sentence. I can't even say I blacked out. I remembered everything- the disbelief, shock and finally, the rage. I swallowed it down, reminding myself to remain in control.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I laughed, humorlessly.

"Girls, let's give them a moment." Elena said, ushering her daughters out the room.

As soon as they left, Dad started in on me. "Lilian. Do not use that language-"

I smirked at Cam. "Do you have a problem with my language Cam? Cause I know you said the same fucking thing when he told you!"

Cam looked at me, concerned. "I'd prefer it if you two talked calmly."

I nodded. "Ok dad. What is this, a mid life crisis? Your first marriage went so well, why would you do that again? And with her?!?" I said, cooly.

"That's enough. You will show Beatrice respect-"Dad stood up, intimidatingly.

"How about I show her the same respect you showed Trevor?" I leveled, standing up too.

"Is that why you're upset with me? Trevor?" My dad said, incredulously.

"Dad, don't go there-" Cam cut in.

"I have plenty of reasons to be upset with you. We're talking about why I don't respect your fiancee."

"You don't have to respect me-" Beatrice started.

"Stay out of this, Beatrice." My dad stopped her.

"Yeah, nobody pressed your button." I cut my eyes at her. I gave dad a phony smile. "Let's make a deal-call her your girlfriend for a year and not only will I respect her, I'll give this wedding my blessing." I said, my voice dripping with condescension.

"Lily, stop." Cam raised his voice at me.

I whipped around. "No, you stop. This is all your fault. I told you I didn't want to see him, but once again, my needs and wants never matter. So fuck it- Fuck all of this." In between my tirade, my phone beeped so I grabbed my bag and my purse. I needed to get out of there. I had just enough self consciousness to know I was losing it.

"Nether one of you were ready for marriage. Can't you see that now?" He said, he's frustration growing.

"How can you seriously be ready for marriage? You made those vows before and broke them! You know what I see? Beatrice is nothing more than your playmate and besides draining your balls, she can't take care of you." I raised my voice at him. He kept going so I did too.

Beatrice gasped and left the room. I knew it was a horrible thing for me to say, I just needed to have the last word.

My words didn't stop him. If anything, it urged him on.

"I wasn't ready to be married. I did break my vows. One of those vows says in sickness and in health. Trevor got sick and left you. He's not ready to commit to you. Use this as an opportunity to better yourself. Grow up- you still have an eating disorder for Christ sakes." Dad lectured me.

I felt a wrath flood me like I never felt before. It built up inside of me at such an alarming speed, I scared myself. I lost the little control I had and I flipped the fuck out.

"You have no fucking clue what you're talking about! Not about marriage, or Trevor and especially not me! I never had an eating disorder- I was pregnant!" I got a sick pleasure watching him blanch. He was rendered speechless so I took that as my cue to leave. I faced Cam on the way out. He looked so lost, confused and broken; I momentarily felt bad. Then, I remembered he set this all up.

"Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful I don't have to put up with this bullshit anymore. Enjoy your family." I sneered at him before I stomped out the house.