November Rain

"Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time... on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one" November Rain by Guns N' Roses

"Hey ladies. Sorry I'm late. People drive like idiots in the rain." I smiled as I approached the booth Sammy, Amber and Rocky were sitting at.

"Don't be sorry. I'm glad you got here safely." Rocky said as I sat down beside Amber.

"I know. I treated at least a dozen different patients that's been in accidents these past couple of weeks. " Amber said, giving me a little hug.

"I hate the cold, but I'll take it over all this rain. It's ridiculous." Sammy complained as I grabbed a menu to look over.

"We went ahead and ordered since we both have to be at work. We all got the Wednesday special." Rocky informed me.

"Sounds good to me." I said, putting the menu down and drinking my sweet tea.

"What's new with you?" Sammy started, after I put my glass down.

"Besides the house, not much." I answered.

The week after Halloween, I finally closed on my house. Getting the keys to my house was one of my proudest moments. There was something strangely liberating about it. No matter what, the house was all mine.

"And how are the renovations going?" Amber asked, her eyebrows raising.

"They're going great. That's the one good thing about the rain. Richard's jobs had to stop, so he can spend more time on my house." I explained.

As soon as I got my keys to my place, I called Richard to see about starting the repairs on the roof. As embarrassing as it was to talk to him again after my desperate display at lunch the last time I saw him, I sucked it up because he was the only general contractor I knew. I didn't trust a stranger not to completely overcharge me. I needed to save all the money I could since I had new expenses so I took my chances and reached out to him.

Richard was willing to work with me, no questions asked. He had a roofer out the same week to start repairs. Over the past month, he walked me through everything-from picking out supplies to showing me small things I could do by myself. Dominick must have filled him in on what happened with Trevor, because he didn't even flirt with me. I was grateful for him- I definitely had more fun working on my house than the work I was doing on myself...

"How was your doctor's appointment?" I asked Rocky, trying to stay upbeat with positive news.

"It was fine. Everything's normal. The results from the diabetes test were normal. We're good." She answered, patting her bump. I swear, it appeared overnight. One day, it was flat, the next, a tiny baby bump. I fought the urge to rub her stomach- she hated it.

"Were they able to see what you are having?" Amber questioned her.

"Yes, but I don't know. Since Brandon's mom is throwing the baby shower, my mom wants to do a gender reveal party." Rocky explained.

"A what?" Sammy asked, confused.

"I don't know. My mama said she saw something- you bite into a cupcake and the filling is pink or blue. I'm just going along with it to keep the peace. It's going to be in Houston so I'll let you all know after that." Rocky said.

"Are we invited? Did you invite Forrest or is it a girl thing?" I asked, being nosy. Forrest and Rocky have been dating steadily the whole month of November. They hadn't put a label on things yet, but I was curious to how serious they were.

"If you want to come you can. It's going to be the weekend after Thanksgiving. I figured everyone was going to be doing their own thing and no I didn't invite Forrest." She gave me a look. "Do you know what you're doing for Thanksgiving?"

"No." I said plainly.

Amber had to work on Thanksgiving so her family was going to Will's sister house. Sammy was meeting Corey's family for the first time. Forrest and Rocky both invited me home with their families. Cam and Jenna were hosting at their house, but I wasn't in a good place to see my dad. Trevor let me know I was welcomed to his granny's house for Thanksgiving at the same time reminding me his mom would be there and he was inviting me as a friend only. The options made me wish I was working, but only one team lead was needed, and Dr. Clayton gave me Thanksgiving and New Years off so he could spend Christmas eve and day with his daughters. I still hadn't decide what I was going to do.

"You're not going to see Trevor?" Sammy asked me.

I shook my head at the same time I said, "I don't know." They gave each other a look. "I just-I haven't decided yet. Lots of options" I corrected myself, keeping my head still and flashing a nervous smile.

"Let me know when you do." Rocky said, reassuringly.

"Alright, what's going on with you? And don't say nothing because you've been acting weird all month. What's up? Is it Trevor?" Sammy blurted out.

"Are you dating someone? Don't be ashamed if you are." Amber added.

"What they are trying to say is that we are here for you whenever you wanna talk." Rocky sent both Sammy and Amber chilly looks.

I took a deep breath. "It's ok Rocky. They both are right. I have been weird because I'm seeing someone. I've been ashamed to tell the truth."

Sammy looked equal parts shocked and outraged. I wasn't surprised- She was team Trevor. She always asked me how Trevor was doing, when was the last time I talked to him, and praised me on how my loyalty would win out in the end. It made it impossible to talk to her about how hard it was to be Trevor's friend when she keep preaching "ride or die".

Amber looked vindicated and looked at me, expectantly. When we spoke, she always hinted about all the I was spending with Richard. She went on and on about how fine he was and what a great body he had and asked how we got along. While Richard and I did bond over our mutual love of saving money, it was all business between us. Amber was firmly on team move on and couldn't see it would take a lot more than a great body to make me get over Trevor.

Rocky was the first one to speak her mind. "You shouldn't be ashamed to tell us anything. We're always going to support you. No matter what."

Her reaction was the only one that surprised me. Every since I told her everything that happened with Trevor at Halloween, she had been strictly team me. Part of me expected her to be upset at me, Trevor or both of us for hooking up, but she wasn't. She gave me a shoulder to cry on without any judgments. I don't know why I still expected her to join a side and try to convince me it was the right choice, but her unwavering support gave me the confidence to tell them the truth.

"I'm seeing a therapist. She has been helping me deal with everything. That's what's up with me." I confessed.

"I think everyone could use therapy really. I'm all for anything that helps you heal and move on." Amber said quickly.

Sammy tilted her head at me. "What does she say about Trevor?" She winced in pain and glared at Rocky before fixing her face.

"Nothing really. We haven't got to that."  I replied.

Between my job, working out, chores, Justine, my house and mortgage payments, I could only afford to spend time and money with Dr. Pereira once a week. Almost a month of sessions and I still was focusing on my childhood. It was worth it though- I really felt better talking to her about it.

"So what do you talk about?" Amber asked, curiously.

"About my mom, my dad, things that happened when I was younger. Apparently I have a lot of stuff bottled up." I said, with a little smile. "I'm kinda focusing on myself then I'll deal with... everything else."

"I think that's great. I'm proud of you." Rocky said, nodding.

"Thanks." I said.

We finished lunch and went our separate ways. Thankfully, the storm passed and I made my way to work without dealing with the rain. I felt much better now that my friends knew I was seeing a therapist. I felt relieved they understood my choice to seek help. It didn't feel like a dirty little secret anymore.


Friday morning, I got ready for my appointment with Dr. Pereira. I picked Fridays so I would have the weekend to reflect on what we talked about. Most of the time, I wanted to spend it alone. That's why my friends hadn't been seeing as much of me. I grabbed my umbrella and left. It was cloudy with scattered showers but I held on to hope I wouldn't need it.

When I first began my appointments, I made sure I arrived right on time to avoid having to wait in the lobby.  I gotten over my embarrassment and sat in the lobby, scrolling through different wallpapers and lightening for the kitchen on my phone. That was the next step after all the flooring was complete.

"Lily." Dr. Pereira grabbed my attention before I joined her in her office. There was a couch, but I always chose the comfortable office chair. Dr. Pereira took a seat on the couch and we began as normal with her asking about my week.

"It was good. Everyone's making Thanksgiving plans for next week, but I'm not sure what I'm doing yet." I responded.

"What are some of your options?" She asked.

"I can always go home, but I'm not ready to see my dad." I started.

"Why do you feel like you're not ready?"

There were so many reasons. I hadn't spoke to him since Trevor and I broke up because I didn't want to hear I told you so from him. Now that I knew Trevor felt like he couldn't give me what I wanted, I partially blamed my dad for putting that idea in his head. Talking about Mr. Perez also made me livid at my dad and how he handled the situation. I didn't want to go home, blow up in anger, and be the squeaky wheel he couldn't fix in the family.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"What did we say about I don't know?" Dr. Pereira reminded me gently.

"It's not an honest answer. I may be conflicted or may not want to talk about it but I know how I feel. If I'm not honest, then there's no point in therapy" I repeated, for like, the hundredth time.

"Right. So how do you feel about going home?"

"I'm just going to be angry and bitter at my dad and ruin Thanksgiving." I compromised, hoping she would leave it at that.

"And why do you do you feel that way?" She probed.

I picked the only reason she knew about. "Because he left me alone with Mr. Perez and he let him get away with raping me." Dr. Pereira always referred to our relationship as rape. After realizing how he groomed me into thinking what happened between us was ok, I realized it was rape now too. It was my first time saying it out loud and tears filled up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away with no avail.

She reached over and handed me a tissue. "What are your other options?" Dr. Pereira moved on.

I answered, glad she changed subjects. "Going to my friend's mom's house in Houston. She is having a gender reveal for her baby." I said.

"How exciting." She commented.

"My friend Forrest invited me to Shreveport too."

"No wonder you can't make up your mind. So many options." She smiled.

"Yeah... My ex invited me to dinner with his family too." I said, tersely. I smiled to play it off like no big thing. She saw right though me.

"Really? Are you close to his family?"

I scoffed. "No. His mom hates me."

"Do you know why?"

I thought about last thanksgiving and what she said when we left. "Because I'm not blonde or have blue eyes or white. Three strikes."

"I see. Is that why he is your ex?"

"No. He broke up with me because he has cancer." I admitted.

"I'm so sorry to hear that. How long ago was this?"

"Um, September. But we hooked up last month-"

"Hooked up?"

"Had sex. Afterwards, he told me he feels like he has nothing to give me and he doesn't see a future with me anymore"

"I see. Is that the truth?"

"I can see why he thinks that." I avoided answering.

"Why?" She said, patiently.

I told her the story of me and Trevor. She asked a few question here and there, but mostly listened and took notes. I began at the beginning when I first met Trevor in college and how he was the first guy I was attracted to. I explained that he became my confidant even though I had a feelings for him. I relived how we supported each other when we moved together to Dallas as best friends. I was telling her about our first major falling out before I moved to California when my time ran out.

"I have another hour available." Dr. Pereira informed me.

"Um, are you sure? We never go over our time?" I pointed out.

"We never had a reason to. It's completely up to you." She said crossing her legs.

So I continued. I told her how I thought he was just protective of me before I found out he had feelings for me. Even though I felt the same, I was warily about risking our friendship because I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship. I finished, telling her how he convinced me to push those fears aside, promising he would work with me.

"You said you can see why he believes he has nothing to give you. Why is that?" Dr. Pereira redirected me.

"I treated him like a dumping ground-He just bore all my insecurities and fears while fighting for our future. He fought for me, even when I fought back every step of the way. When he got sick, he didn't even tell me he was sick, he just broke up with me. He just knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I can't convince him otherwise. Or, at least I don't know how to." I spilled.

"Have you tried making it clear he doesn't have to take care of you?" Dr. Pereira questioned me.

"Yeah, even before he got sick I told him to stop. That was one of our biggest arguments- the fact that he feels like he has to protect me from everything. It drove me crazy. Or crazier." I said, with a hint of sarcasm.

"Did he listen when you told him to stop before he got sick?"

I fidgeted. "We were working on it, but I don't blame him, it's my fault. You teach people how to treat you right? I can see why he treated me that way. That's the way it's always been- him protecting and taking care of me."

"It is up to you to set boundaries with people. It's up to them to respect them. Do you feel he respected your boundaries after you asked him to stop?" She questioned.

I stiffened. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Ok. How is your relationship with Trevor now?" She changed the subject.

It was on the tip of my tongue to say I don't know, but I thought about it truthfully. "He wants us to be friends and I'm trying. It's just-very hard for me. And I really don't know why. I swear."

She nodded. "Have you told him how you feel?"

"How can I? Nothing is as important as his health and his feelings." I responded.

"Your health and your feelings are just as important. You have to take care of yourself. You're entitled to how you feel. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean not having them- It's controlling how you react to them." She informed me.

I nodded, thoughtfully.

"I want you to think about that for our next session. How you really feel about your relationships and what you can do to set new boundaries." Dr. Pereira finished.

"Ok. I will."

"If I don't hear from you before then, Happy Thanksgiving. Make it a great one, whatever you decide to do." She told me as she walked me out.

"I will. Thank you Dr. Pereira. Happy Thanksgiving too." I told her before I left.

I retrieved my umbrella when I saw it was pouring again. If I was poetic, I might have believed all the rain was cleansing- rinsing away the old to make way for the new. I wasn't, and it fucking sucked to navigate through. I opened my umbrella and made my way to my car.





*****Sorry it's late, and that Lily might still be a wet blanket. I had to have a post to explain what she's been up to during the time jump*****