Fight for You

"Cause I don't wanna see you cry, cry
Give our love another try, try
I bet we get it right this time, time
As long as you´re prepared to fight, fight
I don’t wanna live another day
Without your body next to me
I'm not gonna let them break us down
Cause Baby I know now
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I'll fight for you
There's nothing that 100 men or more could ever do
I'll fight for you
Just like the rain down in Africa
I'll fight for you
It's gonna take some time but I know you're worth fighting for
I'll fight for you. " Fight for You by Jason Derulo


Tuesday morning, I woke up after a full night of sleep, still feeling drowsy. I was sure it was the Tylenol PM. I dragged myself into the kitchen to feed Justine. When I realized I didn't have anymore dog food, I pulled on a hoodie over my PJs and went shopping at Wal-Mart. After picking out Justine's food, I grabbed quick stuff for myself- microwavable food, lunchables, bag salads, frozen waffles and poptarts.

On the way to check out, I noticed they already set out there winter gear. An arrangement of beanies caught my eye and I bought one in every color for Trevor.

After checking out, I went home, fed Justine and took her out for a run. As I ate the sandwich I made for lunch, I looked over the texts and missed calls on my phone. Sammy texted me, letting me know she and Corey were making plans to go see Trevor on Thursday. Amber wanted to know the next time I was going out there and Forrest asked how I was holding up. I told Amber the truth: I didn't know. I asked Sammy to let me know when she was leaving because I had things to give to Trevor. I lied to Forrest and told him I was ok.

I called my brother before I went to work and asked him how Trevor was. Cam told me he was in better spirits and asked me if I wanted Trevor's new number. I took it from him, promising myself not to use it unless he reached out to me first.

At work, Adil didn't make an appearance.  I was actually mentally preparing for round two with him. He wasn't the type to avoid a confrontation, especially if he felt he was right. I honestly didn't care about being right or wrong or winning or losing for that matter. The only thing I cared about was getting days off when I needed them. I wasn't sure if he was busy or not but I didn't dwell on it long.

At lunch, I checked my personal email. I had one from Chad detailing the final steps of closing on the house. I scanned over it, rubbing my bare wrist. It felt empty without my bracelet and I made a mental note to get it with the rest of my things from Rocky's house. I saved the email without replying.

After work, I let myself in at Rocky's house. I made my way to the guest bedroom and began hunting for my bracelet. I was searching the dresser drawers for it when Rocky appeared at the doorway.

"Hey you." She said, giving me a hug.

"Hey." I hugged her back.

"How are you doing?" She sat at the end of the bed.

"I'm alright. I wanted to talk to you." I continued checking the drawers.

"Good, I want to talk to you too."

"You go first while I pack." I said, moving to the closest.

"Pack?"

"Yeah, I'm going back to my apartment."

"Really? When is the house going to be signed over to you?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue with that." I shrugged.

"You're in escrow. You know you're going to have to forfeit any money you already paid?" Rocky asked.

"I don't care." I shrugged.

"You don't care?" She repeated.

"I mean, what other option do I have? With everything with Trevor, that's my focus. Everything else is insignificant."

When Rocky just looked at me, I explained. "I know he says he doesn't want to be with me. I'm going to show him that I've really changed. That it's not all about me and what I want. I figured once he sees that,  he'll give me another chance."

"He said he didn't want to be a burden Lily. He worries he'll die like his dad did. He didn't want us to go through that with him. That's why he didn't tell anyone. That's the real reason he broke up with you."

"He thinks he's a burden. He really believes he's- He's going to die." I said out loud to myself.

"I told him it would be worse not being there for him. As far as dying, I think it scares him because of his dad. Watching him go through the chemo and it not working." Rocky explained.

I sat down on the bed and thought about it. Trevor said he felt relieved when his dad died. I always assumed it was because his dad was a miserable person, not because of the chemotherapy. Maybe he thought it was too big of a load to carry. That's when he got really angry at me: when I told him not to think about death. He went off about fighting cancer and said I couldn't handle it. Maybe it wasn't all about me...

"How did he act around you?" I questioned her.

"Pretty much the same. Making me laugh when I wanted to cry." Rocky answered.

That admission both filled me with hope and broke my heart. He was a shell of himself when I visited but at least being around his friends was helping.

"He had darker moments too. Anytime we talked about you he got quiet and despondent." Rocky added.

"He said he couldn't take care of me anymore. That he didn't want to spend the rest of his life trying with me. He wants nothing to do with me." I confessed, ashamed.

"He avoided talking about you Lily. Men aren't comfortable talking about things that bother them. Now if he truly didn't want to be with you, why would it be bothering him?" Rocky questioned me.

"I don't know! What am I supposed to? I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that he has cancer-I don't know how to be supportive when he's talking about dying and saying he doesn't want to be with me! I'm fucking confused. I don't know what to do! Fight him while he's fighting for his life? " I said, frustrated.

"I'm telling you what he said and what I saw. You have to do what you think is best with it. I believe there's a difference between fighting with him and fighting for him." Rocky pointed out. 

I nodded and continued to look for my bracelet. I had no time for her fucking wordplay and riddles. "Have you seen my charm bracelet?" I asked her as she opened her mouth to speak again.

"Uh, no. When's the last time you had it?"

"The night we went to Los Lupes. I know I took it off here- I'm not sure what I did with it." I said, remembering throwing it against the wall. I got down on my hands and knees to look under the bed.

"Then it has to be here somewhere. It'll show up." Rocky promised.

"Ok. I'm gonna look while I pack and then I'll be outta here." I told her.



I packed up all my clothes and belongings while I looked over every surface, under every piece of furniture and every inch of the room for my bracelet. After an hour, I gave up and went home. During the drive, I realized the same weekend I took the bracelet off, I went over to Forrest's house. I called him right away and asked him to look for me.

"I will. Are you ok?" He asked me.

"I'm not the one fighting cancer, so I'm fucking great." I said, sarcastically.

"Lily-" He started. I could hear a lecture coming on, so I cut him off.

"I just want my fucking bracelet Forrest! Let me know if you find it!!!" I yelled before hanging up the phone.

I searched my car for my bracelet with the light from my phone. After thirty minutes, I finally gave up. I went to bed, exhausted, but too many thoughts were running in my head to sleep.

Maybe Trevor was scared. Maybe he really thought he was a burden. Maybe he didn't want to be with me. There were way too many maybes, but my truth was simple. I loved him. No doubts or maybes about it. I had to keep trying. I couldn't give up on him. I wouldn't give up on us.

Wednesday morning, I went to a toy store at the mall and bought an electronic Battleship game. I wanted the mini version Trevor and I played but I settled for the one they had. I also found a cute t-shirt at Spencer's with Pac-Man and the words: Byte Me. I put this all in a gift bag together with hot chocolate. I bought iron on letters and ironed the phrase "Never Give Up" on to everyone of his beanie caps before I put them in the bag too.

It was homage to our first official date. He took me on a bridge in Austin and we played Battleship and drank hot chocolate. There was a graffiti drawing of Pac-Man on the bridge with Never Give Up spray painted on the side. I wrote him a letter that read:

I meant every word I said. I'm not ready to give up on us. You fight cancer and I'll fight for us. 

Love you forever, 

Lily.

I sent the gift with Sammy and Corey when they went down to see him. I held out hope that when he saw it, he would let me fight beside him instead of against him. I was prepared for battle either way.