Heartbreak Warfare

"Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare" Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

*Mini Bonus*

I took deep breaths, calming myself as I walked over to our table. Amber, Trevor and Sammy followed me, cutting through the crowd.

"Lily. Wait-" Trevor tried to stop me as we approached the table.

"Hey you guys!" I said, ignoring him. Jake watched Sammy and me, cautiously. I flashed Dino a little smile as I stood across the table from them.

"Is this the guy you were telling me about?" I asked her, nodding at Jake.

"Yes. This is Jake. Jake, this is Lily." Dino introduced us.

"I know Jake. How are you doing?" I asked, causally. Jake just shook his head while Dino looked between us.

"How do you know each other?" Dino asked both of us.

"We dated. For maybe a month last year?" I said, looking at Jake for validation. He just nodded in agreement. This was the most quiet I ever seen him. It would have been hilarious if it wasn't awkward as fuck.

"Oh, ok." Dino said, a thoughtful look crossing her face.

"He is a great guy. You should definitely get to know him." I told her. She studied me, carefully and I maintained eye contact to prove I was being sincere.

"This is some weird shit!" Tori blurted.

"No, it's normal. Sammy slept with him too. It'll probably make them closer. Like dick sisters!" Jordan laughed.

Tori snorted in her drink but no one laughed. Dino looked at Jake while Jake looked so embarrassed.

"Dick sisters?" Random girl hanging off Brandon asked.

"You know how girls will cut their fingers and mix it together and be like "we're blood sisters"? Kinda like that, only with dick." Jordan continued with a laugh.

"Shut the fuck up Jordan!" I yelled at her.

"Lily, calm down." Trevor said.

"It's just a joke." Jordan said, frowning up. Her sad face was as fake as her blonde hair.

I narrowed my eyes at Trevor. I figured the conduct police would have something to say about her phony act and rude words, but he was studying me. All the anger I tried to push away returned to the surface.

"We got it Jordan. It's not fucking funny." Sammy snapped.

"It's never funny if you have to explain it." Corey said, cutting his eyes at her.

"I thought it was funny." Tori said, glaring at Sammy and Corey.

"You would, basic bitch." Sammy popped off.

"Let's go." Corey said, making his way to her.

"Listen to your boyfriend and go home, sweetie." Tori said, mockingly.

"You're mad cause he don't want you pinche puta {fucking whore}." Sammy yelled at her.

"I can have him if I wanted him! And I speak English bitch!" Tori screamed back.

"Bring your ass outside and we don't have to speak at all bitch!!!" Sammy threatened her.

Corey had all 5'4 of Sammy under control and escorted her out the bar. I headed around the table and Jordan's stupid ass flinched. I've never been in a physical fight. Rap music, reality tv and Rocky were the only reason I knew how to talk shit. I was more likely to cry out of anger than to hit someone.

Obviously Trevor didn't believe that, because he immediately grabbed for me. I yanked away and gave him an evil glare before I headed for Dino. I hugged her and spoke in her ear. "I meant what I said. Give me a call."

I patted Jake on the shoulder reassuringly before I walked to Amber and hugged her goodbye. I gave Q and Kendal hugs too before smiling sweetly at Brandon.

"Tell your fiancee I said hello."

His little friend rolled her neck at him. "Fiancee! You said you two broke up!!!" She shrieked.

Satisfied with my work, turned around to leave. I purposely stomped away from Trevor and pulled out my phone. I called Bianca as I walked to the exit.

"Where are you?" I asked when she answered.

"Dominick took me to Whataburger. I'll be there shortly."

"Ok." I said, hanging up the phone and waiting by the car. As soon as Trevor unlocked it, I got in and slammed the door.

Trevor started the car, and I sat there, fuming.

"Do you wanna talk?" Trevor asked.

"I don't have anything nice to say to you, so no." I spat back.

Trevor started the car and headed towards the apartments. The first red light, he turned to me. "Are you seriously mad at me?"

"Yeah. I am Trevor. But that shouldn't be a surprise to you because I'm a psycho bitch! Get the psycho bitch out the bar!" I declared.

"I never called you psycho. I've seen you get really mad and I didn't want that to happen. That's why I wanted to leave."

"When's the last time you saw me get that angry? When Trevor?" I interrogated him. Before he could respond, I started again. "Exactly! I've been working on it. I work on it every fucking day. Do you realize how many times a day I wanna go off on you?"

"No, how many?" He asked, with a little smile as he drove. That infuriated me even more.

"Every time you make a fucking joke when I'm being serious. When I have to take the trash or Justine out and you're playing a game or sleep. When I ask for your opinion with grocery shopping or our fucking house but you don't care. I push it away and figure it out on my own without going off." I listed, angrily.

"How am I supposed to know how you feel if you don't talk to me?" He exclaimed, exasperated.

"Oh, I fucking try. I tried to tell you how I felt about you picking me over your mom. Also, how I felt about buying a house together. And, how I felt about Jordan. If it's not how you think I should feel, I'm wrong or overreacting. If I try to work it out on my own, I'm not talking to you. What the fuck should I do Trevor?!?" I cried, frustrated as we pulled into our apartments.

"I don't know Lily. I don't understand how you feel a lot of the time." He admitted, turning off the car. "I know we're going to disagree, but I think there should be an in between of you not saying anything and yelling and screaming." He said, facing me.

"Oh, should I be like Jordan? Shady, conniving, two-faced bitch? Because you sure didn't have anything to say about her behavior. Maybe because she has the right hair, eye and skin color?" I hissed, folding my arms and turning to him.

"What are you talking about?!? Jordan has nothing to do with this. You're my girlfriend. I'm trying to look out for you." He yelled at me.

"Why?!? I'm grown. I don't need you to look out for me!!! I don't need you to tell me how to act or feel! It's my fucking life and if you don't like who I am, maybe you need to evaluate if you wanna be with me!" I yelled back.

"What does that mean?" Trevor asked me.

"It means that maybe... maybe this is just a fling. Maybe you're just experimenting because I am different from what you're use to. Maybe we shouldn't be together."I said, sharply. The words hung between us.

Trevor just stared at me. He gave me a look of disbelief, like he couldn't believe what I said. His blue eyes pleaded with me to reconsider, to take it back, to say anything, but I said silent.

He got out the car and slammed the door. I sat in the car, willing myself not to cry. I told myself it was better this way. He needed to think long and hard about what he wanted. I did too.

I went up the stairs and let myself in the apartment. I waited up for Bianca before I went to bed. The lights were out and Trevor was already in bed. I sighed relieved and got into bed too. As soon as I stopped moving, Trevor spoke softly.

"I did pick you, but my mom is always going to be my mom. When she's ready to come around, I will be too. If you need something in writing before you feel comfortable buying a house, then we'll do that. The only reason I wanted you to give Jordan the benefit of the doubt is because I didn't want you to lose anymore friends. If you need me to do more, I will. If I'm still not doing enough, tell me. We can work on talking. We can work on everything. But if you're questioning whether we should be together..."  he trailed off. A moment passed before he continued. "I need to know what you want."

I let one renegade tear fall, before I wiped my face as I realized I didn't know anymore. As much as I loved him, I had doubts. I never imagined love would be so hard. Maybe it was just me. Maybe there was something wrong with me. I held my pillow close and didn't answer. I shut my eyes closed tight and forced myself to sleep.