Waiting for Love

"Monday left me broken

Tuesday I was through with hoping

Wednesday my empty arms were open

Thursday waiting for love, waiting for love

Thank the stars it's Friday

I'm burning like a fire gone wild on Saturday

Guess I won't be coming to church on Sunday

I'll be waiting for love, waiting for love

To come around" Waiting for Love by Avicii

I spent the rest of the evening in Ethan's arms, crying on and off. I hated that I was crying over Trevor with Ethan, but I couldn't help it. Ethan didn't ask any questions: he just held me. I was so grateful for that, as I didn't even want to think about Trevor. Just the thought of his face when he left brought on another round of tears. I eventually cried myself to sleep, the day finally catching up to me. I woke up around 2am, still in Ethan's tight embrace. I untangled myself from his arms and grabbed my bag that I set on the side table before I made my way through the dark to the sitting area.

I retrieved my cellphone before curling up on the couch. I looked at my notifications. Texts and missed calls from Rocky, Forrest, and Trevor. I pulled up Trevor's texts and read them.

Trevor: I'm sry I wont bother you again I know its over

Trevor: I will always lava you Lilypad.

The tears automatically formed again. I didn't know how I wasn't cried out over Trevor...

"Lily." Ethan's deep timbre filled the quiet room. I didn't even hear him awaken as he sat up, fully dressed in bed.

"Hey-" I said, my voice hoarse. I blinked my tears away as he got up and walked in my direction.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, sitting beside me.

"Fine." I nodded, avoiding his eyes. It was bad enough I already sobbed over Trevor in front of Ethan. I tried my hardest to pull it together. I didn't want to talk about Trevor and reopen the floodgates. When he didn't respond, I looked up to see him giving me a questioning glance.

"Better." I cleaned up. "Yesterday brought up a lot of memories for me. It was hard to hear, but I'm ok." I said, only partially lying. It was hard hearing about his cancer, but that was not the sole reason I was devastated.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I shook my head, enthusiastically. "Let's go back to bed. I'm exhausted." We went back to bed and I lay on my side, trying to force myself to go back to sleep. When I finally decided to deal with Trevor later and just get through the rest of the weekend with Ethan, I was able to get some sleep. The next morning I woke up before Ethan, committed to my attitude of not acknowledging or dealing with anything.

I took a shower, putting a cold wash towel over my eyes to combat the red, puffiness that crying gave them. I towel dried my hair and put it back into a bun before walking out of the room to throw on some clothes. The shower must have woke Ethan because he was sitting on the couch when I came out. He asked me again if I was ok, but I assured him I was with a smile and a kiss. I told him I was starving and planning to go get breakfast at the hotel, when I really needed a break from his questions and concerned glances.

"You want to skip brunch." Ethan said, understandably.

"No." I said, quickly. Amber arranged for everyone to meet for a kid and dog friendly brunch at a restaurant in Dallas. As much as I didn't want to see Trevor, I knew it would cause more questions and drama if I skipped brunch. "They probably just have muffins and cereal. I'll still be hungry by brunch time. Do you want anything?"

Ethan declined so after I got dressed, I left him to go to the lobby for food. I was making my third trip around, killing time when I heard my name called.

"Good morning Rocky." I smiled at her, brightly.

"Hey! You didn't get my calls or text? I was worried about you." She said, standing beside me.

"Not until this morning. I figured you were passed out or occupied with Forrest and I didn't want to disturb you." I said, hintingly.

"I wasn't with Forrest." She exhaled. "I was this close to barreling down your door when you and Ethan didn't answer me. What happened?"

"I don't want to get into it, just please run Trevor interference for me? I'm just trying to get through today and I really can't talk to him right now." I begged her.

"Trevor left. He went back to Austin." Rocky informed me.

I felt nauseous as I thought about the last text Trevor sent me. "Good." I forced out. "I can deal with his drama another day." When Rocky looked at me, worried, I cut her off. "I'm ok. We'll talk about this later but I really need to get food upstairs. Ethan is waiting for me." I motioned to the buffet. 

Rocky nodded and helped me get two cups of coffee and a plate filled with assorted muffins. I expertly carried it back to the room, but went extra slow to get there.

Ethan was in the shower when I got back and I grabbed a coffee and a muffin before sitting on the couch to eat. I was watching Jordan's Snapchat videos of them playing cornhole, riding the mechanical bull and taking shots together. I saw the girl Forrest was casually seeing in some of the pictures and wondered if that was why Rocky was short about him this morning. I gave myself a mental reminder to ask about it. I knew we would be talking soon anyway about Trevor.

Speaking of, Jordan recorded his speech and that video played on her Snapchat too. Like a moth to a flame, I couldn't help watching it- even though I knew it would burn me. I was halfway through the speech when Ethan came out the bathroom, fully dressed. I quickly swiped to the next post.

"There's coffee and muffins if you want some." I offered him, cheerfully. It sounded forced to my own ears.

"I'll take you up on the coffee." He stated, joining me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." I said, handing him a few half and half containers. We ate in silence- or I picked at my muffin while he sipped his coffee. I caught him watching me a few times as I faked interest in my food. I ignored his glances- I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to say. The safest thing to do until I knew what to think, feel, or say was nothing. So that's what I did.

I was thankful that Ethan didn't push me to talk. We finished our breakfast in silence and then planned the rest of the day. Ethan was going to drop me off while he picked up EJ and then swing back to get me so we could meet our friends for brunch. Then I planned to leave with Rocky so we could talk and I could come up with a plan on how to deal with Trevor.

Once Ethan dropped me off at my house, I let Justine outside, giving her water and food before I went to change again. I chose a short sleeve peasant top and my most flattering white distressed jeans with wedge sandals. I did full on make-up, wanting to look flawless. My wavy, air dried hair I pulled back with a thin headband. I felt beautiful and confident as I examined myself in the mirror. When Ethan called to let me know he was pulling up outside, I grabbed Justine and her leash and we met them outside.

On the drive over, I learned that EJ was on punishment for the next week because of a fight he had after the game Saturday. The team won and Alex's mom invited everyone out to cici's to eat. Apparently, the kids were doing some roasting battle and EJ roasted Tommy, the coach's son, on the Lebron 13 shoes he just got and was humble bragging about all week. Tommy got mad and squirted EJ in the face with soda from his straw and EJ pushed him. It was broken up before a real fight but Megan grounded EJ for a week. Since Ethan had EJ for the next week, Ethan had to enforce the punishment of no games, phone or laptop for defending himself.

I really disagreed with the harsh punishment but I didn't say anything contradictory about it. Ethan lectured EJ, saying that was his teammate. While I totally understood that, Tommy really sucked on and off the court so I saw where EJ was coming from. I told EJ that the punishment was going to suck, but not as much as Tommy wearing those ugly ass shoes and not playing anything like Lebron. EJ laughed and said that's exactly what he said.

We arrived at the restaurant called The Lot and Amber already text me that they were seated outside. I wouldn't normally put a gastropub and kid friendly together, but I was pleasantly surprised by the restaurant/pub. Not only did it have a covered outside seating with music playing, but a huge sandbox with a playground right across from it so the adults could relax and watch the kids play. Amber's kids were already playing while Amber, Will, Rocky, Brandon, baby Ace, Jake, Dino, Omar, Kelly, baby Olivia, Staci, Daniel and Cherish were spread out on two long tables next to each other. The tables got suspiciously quiet when they noticed Ethan and I approaching.

"Hey. Sorry we're late." I said, keeping a smile on my face even though they made it fucking obvious they were just talking about us.

"No. You're fine." Amber said as she rose to give me a hug. "Sammy just texted me back that she and Corey are on the way."

I pulled back from her hug and then waved at everyone. Ethan and EJ went to greet everyone but I took an empty seat beside Rocky holding Ace who was next to Kelly holding Olivia. My smile was genuine at the babies.

"How old is she now? 7 months?" I asked Kelly while admiring Oliva's full head of curls, playful babble and chubby fingers as she attempt to pull Kelly's hair.

"8 months now." Kelly beamed, ducking from her reach.

"She's so sweet. I don't think I heard her cry once." I complimented her.

"You haven't been around her enough. She cries all the time-." Omar started.

"No she doesn't. You just don't have any patience." Kelly cut him off, glaring at him.

"Should I ask if their planning to have another?" I asked Rocky under my breath as they bickered.

"Please don't. I don't wanna hear that fight again." Rocky muttered back and I hid my smile as I picked up a menu. EJ and Ethan sat beside me, with EJ in the middle. Once EJ told us what he wanted to eat, he ran off to the playground. While Ethan and I were deciding what we wanted, I looked up from the menu and saw Amber, Brandon, Jake and Staci watching us. I gave them no reaction and focused back on the menu. I knew they either saw or heard about Trevor's speech so they were looking to see any cracks in our relationship. I definitely wasn't going to let that happen. Once the waiter came and took our orders, I turned to Ethan, scooting into EJ's spot and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Don't forget, you still owe me a dance." I smiled at him.

"A dance?" He said, eying me confused.

"Yes. You promised me a slow dance last night. I still want my dance." I reminded him.

"Here? There's no one even dancing."

I shrugged. "Like that's ever stopped me."

His lips quirked into a smirk. "If you wait, I'll take you dancing next week."

"Back to Ms. Diana?" I asked.

"Sure." He replied and I grinned.

"Who's Ms. Diana?" Daniel asked us.

"She's a dance instructor that does swing out lessons at this jazz club." I explained.

"You would go to a dance class?" Brandon said, incredulously.

"He's already been to one." I smiled. "He got an A for effort."

"Oh man. That's almost as bad as a participation trophy." Will teased him as well. When we all laughed, Ethan nodded to me.

"You want to tell them about your first time at shooting range?" He challenged me.

"Hey. I'm from California. I wasn't raised with firearms being a part of general education." I pointed out.

"Because I'm from Texas, I should know how to dance?" Ethan asked me.

"No. Because your black." Rocky said, reading my mind before we dissolved into laughter. That comment started a good natured discussion about racial stereotypes. When Sammy and Corey joined us and heard the tail end of Dino's comment of people assuming everyone speaking Spanish had to be Mexican, Sammy rolled her eyes.

"God, are y'all talking about Trump? Because I can't do it today." Sammy shook her head.

"No. Racial stereotypes. Ethan can't dance." Amber clued her in.

"Damn. Do you have a small dick too?" Sammy asked, joking as Corey looked at her, irritated.

"No. That's one stereotype that's completely true." I exaggerated a wink at Ethan.

"Stop." Ethan shook his head while I laughed.

"Subject change." Will requested.

Our drinks arrived and the subject changed to summer plans. Dino and Jake just came back from a trip to Cabo to celebrate their one year anniversary. Staci was taking her daughter Cherish to D.C. for a student council trip for her school. Rocky and I were going to Vegas in 2 weeks and Ethan and I were going to the Dominican Republic. Rocky suggested Brandon go on a trip on his break before he started working at the new Target, but he said he wanted to relax with Ace. Amber lamented she wished she could get away from her kids for a vacation.

"We went to New Orleans in the beginning of the year. You went to Miami in March. We just came back from Winstar. How many trips do you want a year?" Will asked her.

"As many as I need to get away. I work hard enough and make enough." She threw back, arrogantly.

"I was researching into Arkansas for a road trip with EJ before he goes back to school. Renting a cabin, doing some hiking and fishing. We can take the kids and alternate nights with them so you can have alone time." Ethan offered.

"That sounds fun. Throw in some board games, wine, hot springs... Or a cabin with a hot tub." I smiled.

"Oh yeah. Sounds as much fun as the Dominican Republic." Amber snorted, sarcastically before finishing her drink.

"With the right people it could be." I looked at her, not hiding my disgust. The food arrived and I thanked the waiter.

Amber exhaled slowly after the waiter left to get the rest of the food. "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm just stressed at work. Mia is purposely working my nerves."

Staci nodded sympathetically and I said nothing, keeping my face as neutral as possible.

"What?" Amber asked me.

"I said nothing." I said, looking away to eat some fried cauliflower.

"Your face said everything. What do you have to say?" Amber pressed me

I finished chewing, not saying a word. "This is really good." I said, offering one to Ethan.

"Really?" Amber started but Dino's snort stopped her short.

"I don't even know how she's still a topic of conversation. I thought Mia was cut off months ago. Can I try a cauliflower?" Dino asked me at the end of her rant.

"Sure." I smiled, handing over my basket.

Amber got up in a huff to gather her kids to wash their hands and eat. We looked at Will to go after her. He continued eating.

"You should go talk to her." Ethan suggested after he waved EJ over.

"And tell her what? Ditto? I'm good." Will said plainly.

Ethan asked EJ to take Robbie to the bathroom so they could wash their hands together. When the kids came back, we ate, drank and had a great time. After brunch, I gave everyone hugs goodbye and kissed Ethan before I left with Rocky. By the time we got back to her place, I told her everything that happened between Trevor and me.

"Damn Trevor. I didn't realize what a manipulative asshole he was being." Rocky said after she put Ace to bed and we sat on her couch.

"I don't think he was being manipulative- just desperate." I mused.

"Putting you and your boyfriend down while claiming he loves you? How is that not manipulative?"

"I don't think he meant to put me down." I argued.

Rocky looked at me, dumbfounded.

"Don't look at me like that. I just... understand his thinking. I used to think the same way. I think my lowest point was Halloween when we had sex and I thought we were getting back together. I thought I showed him what a better girlfriend I could be. I literally told him that if he didn't get back together with me, that meant he didn't think what we had was special. When that didn't work, it made me realize how I used sex for love and acceptance. I had both of them tied into him and when he rejected me, I felt worthless. Going to therapy made me realize I needed to love and accept myself. He needs to realize the same." I explained.

"Ok, but you can't make him. No one forced you to go to therapy."

I sighed. "But he was the catalyst: I wanted to fix myself for him. A part of me was still hoping we'd have a chance."

"So what? You want to give him hope so he'll get the help he needs?" Rocky stated, a look on her face that said that was the worst idea ever.

I shook my head. "No. I just want to be there for him- as a friend."

"Hmph. What did Ethan say about all this?"

"He doesn't know Trevor still has feelings for me." I admitted.

"You are going to tell him right?" Rocky asked. When I hesitated, she sighed deeply. "Lily, that is going to blow up in your face."

"If I tell the truth, I really lose Trevor as a friend because there is no way in hell Ethan will ever be cool with us. No matter what I do, I'm fucked. That's why I'm not doing anything. I'm just trying to wait it out."

"I did the same thing after I cheated with Bilal- pretended like it didn't happen, wait until it went back to normal. It never did." She warned me.

I scoffed. "This is a little different. I'm not cheating on Ethan."

"Ok Lily. Good luck."

I was planning to spend the night, but I took an Uber home, annoyed by Rocky's condescending attitude. I wasn't planning to lie to Ethan indefinitely about Trevor, I just needed some time to figure things out. Trevor and I always worked it out. That was the constant of our relationship. I just needed to wait for it to work.

I went to work Monday, everything still weighing heavily on my mind. I knew that until I resolved things with Trevor, I wouldn't feel any relief. At lunch, I got an opening when Forrest sent me the links to the photos of the mudrun. I sent Trevor a candid photo of us at the finish line and captioned it:

Who thought the mudrun would be the least messy part of the weekend 🙃

My phone beeped back immediately and I smiled, knowing it was Trevor with an equally corny remark. I was shocked when I saw a message undeliverable reply. I called his number and got a message that the number I was trying to dial couldn't be reached.  I texted Rocky right away.

Me: Have you talked to Trevor recently?

She didn't text me until I was heading back to work.

Rocky: yeah, last night.

Me: same number?

Rocky: yes.

Me: text him and let me know if it goes through

I waited 15 minutes and Rocky never got back to me. When I got off, she sent me a text to call her.

"He blocked your number Lily." She informed me, solemn.

"What?" I said, not understanding why he would do that. I was sure after our talk Rocky said something to him to make him change his number, but he blocked me???

"He said you were right. You two can't be friends so he's finally doing the right thing by you."

"Ohmygod, he's always pulling this shit! Doing what he thinks is best for me. 3way call him right now." I demanded.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'm not going to do that. He needs a clean break and so do you." She doubled down.

"He freaking texted me he lava me and blocked me. There is nothing clean about this!" I seethed.

"I'm sorry Lily." She said simply.

"So am I! I thought you were my friend. I can't believe after everything I've done for you, you can't do this one thing for me."

"I'm out of it Lily. Do whatever you think is best, but think long and hard about your relationship with Ethan before you do anything."

She hung up with me and I groaned with frustration. It wasn't fucking fair. I didn't want to be with Trevor, but I wanted to be a part of his life. I kept thinking about how I asked him to leave and that defeated look on his face. I had to talk to him and let him know I didn't want him out of my life. I went on social media and saw he unfriended me and blocked me on there as well. 

Ethan invited me over, but I was still reeling from the revelation the Trevor was cutting me out. Again. I felt sick, flashing back to how when Trevor broke up with me he cut me completely off. When I got home, I tried to email him. I waited until 2 am in the morning- no response.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with no email and decided I wouldn't care. If he needed to cut me off, so be it. I wouldn't think about him anymore. Then I tried to make breakfast, but everything I had reminded me of the breakfast house Trevor made me. Work kept me busy enough and Trevor off my mind. That night, I went over to Ethan's to hang out with him and EJ. After dinner, Ethan was working on a problem that occurred on one of his sites so I watched T.V. with EJ. With him being grounded, we were forced to watch TV and landed on cartoon network. It reminded me of all the nights I came home to find Trevor watching cartoons in bed. I tried to focus on EJ and the show, but the memories of cuddling in the bed with Trevor, laughing at the stupid jokes over powered me...

"Lily?" Ethan called me out of my trance.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Are you really watching this?" He asked, motioning to the TV. We Bare Bears was playing as Ethan sat beside me on the couch. I had no idea where EJ went.

"No. It is late. I should be going." I said, standing up.

"C'mon. I'll walk you out." He said, attempting to hold my hand.

"No. You don't have to. Get back to work or relax." I gave him a kiss on the cheek before I let myself out.

Wednesday, since I couldn't get Trevor out of my mind, I focused on my anger at him. God, he was so selfish. He came into my life, detonated a bomb and disappeared before dealing with the aftermath. He belittled me and the growth I made. He said I was a different person, like that was a bad thing. I was a grown woman, not a little boy in a man's body doing the same shit I was doing in college. He attacked Ethan for being a grown up too- he's grim, he's safe, he has a family, he won't love you as much as I do, blah blah blah. 

Ethan isn't grim, he's fucking mature. He was safe because he didn't play childish games. He had a family that wasn't filled with racist and actually accepted me! And maybe Ethan would never build me a breakfast house or surprise me with secret getaways or sing love songs in my ear or tell me he loved me everyday but he'd never abandon me like Trevor! That night, I skipped hanging out with Ethan and EJ to hit the gym. There was no boxing class, but I went through the routine 3 times until I was exhausted.

Thursday I was done. I was back to not wanting to think or feel anything. There was nothing I could do but accept that Trevor was no longer a part of my life. There would be no friendship. No cordial conversation. No 20 years from now sitting on the porch with our respective spouses and children talking about marrying our kids so that we would always be connected. First by friendship, then by marriage. No nothing. He was a part of my past now.  I spent that night looking through old pictures. Featured in a lot of my pictures were Trevor; I didn't have the heart to get rid of them.

Friday, I was exhausted with holding everything in. I barely had the energy to go to work. Ethan called me around my lunch time, but I texted him back that I was swamped and would talk to him when I got off. As soon as I got off from work, I went straight home and into bed. I let the grief hit me and I cried. God, I was hoping I could cry it out and be over it. I wanted to be over him. I needed to be. How many times could your heart break over a man?

"Lily?"

I jumped, scared half to death when a deep voice called my name. I turned to the concerned look of Ethan.

"What-what are you doing here?" I asked him, wiping my face quickly.

"What's wrong?" He asked ignoring my question.

"It's nothing. Where's EJ?" I sniffled, sitting up.

"Spending the night at Jayden's" he looked me over, staring in my eyes. "It's not nothing. You've been distant all week. I've been waiting for you to talk to me. I need to know what's going on with you Lily."

"I just have a headache. Long day. Maybe allergies." I lied.

"It has nothing to do with Trevor telling you he had feelings for you?"

I froze. "What? Who told you?"

"I heard him. I was outside the door." 

I put my head down, ashamed. "We haven't spoken since."

"Are you regretting that you cut him off?" Ethan asked.

I winced. I had to tell him the truth. If not, it would really blow up in my face. "I didn't. He cut me off. He blocked my number and me on social media. I... I understand he needs to get over me but it hurts." I said, fresh tears forming.

"Because you love him." Ethan said, detached.

"No!" I said, looking into his eyes. They looked cold and empty. "No. We were just a part of each other's life for a long time. It's hard not to be anymore."

"It's hard because you love him."

I shook my head. "I'm just overwhelmed. I'm grieving and processing and the rejection doesn't help. I'm trying to get my head straight, but I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you too, but not while you're still in love with him." He said standing up.

I quickly grabbed his arm. "No. Stop saying that Ethan. I never said that. I am over him." I said, tears streaming down my face.

He stood there for a long minute before he pulled me in his arms. "We promised we'd go back to being friends. I'll always be here for you." He said softly in my hair before letting me go.

"Ethan, I don't want to be just friends." I cried as he turned away. "Don't leave me Ethan!" He kept walking. "Ethan! I swear if you leave me, we're done! Forever!"

He paused for the slightest moment before turning back to me. "I love you. Let me know when you're ready." I watched him, stunned at his confession as he gave me one more look before he left the room. It took me a moment before I chased after him.

"ETHAN! Wait. I love you too!!!" I cried.

I got to the front door just in time to see his truck drive away.