Ex-Factor

"Care for me, care for me

You said you'd care for me

There for me, there for me

Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me

You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me

Why won't you live for me?" Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill

After watching House Party, I was completely on board with a jammy jam for Rocky's birthday. Once we got Rocky's approval to throw the party, she asked me if I was ok with inviting Trevor. I told her I was perfectly fine with it as long as she invited Brandon too. Once she finalized the guest list, Forrest and I planned the party.

Forrest and I worked seamlessly together. We were on the exact same page with every aspect of the party except for the location and alcohol. I wanted to have it at my house with my makeshift bar courtesy of Sammy and the Honey Bees. Forrest wanted it at his house with no alcohol at all. Rocky didn't have a preference- as long as it wasn't at her house because she was deep cleaning.

"I have more space and bedrooms if people need to sleep over." I argued as we chatted outside the front of my house. Richard was working in the backyard, and because I wasn't supposed to know what the surprise was, I took Justine out in the front. Forrest was on Spring break, so he met up with me before I had to go to work.

"I have plenty of room for the amount of people Rocky invited. And with no alcohol, why would anyone need to sleep over?" Forrest pointed out.

"But why no alcohol?" I countered.

"The birthday girl can't drink." Forrest said plainly.

"I don't think she cares if others drink. Do you really think people are going to do Karaoke without being a little tipsy?" I questioned him.

"Fine. We don't need your bar for beer and wine coolers. I have an ice chest at my place." Forrest compromised.

I sighed. "Brandon will most likely come to the party. It should be on mutual grounds at my house."

"I want the best for Rocky and Ace just like he does. Anywhere should be mutual ground because we have that in common." Forrest stated eloquently.

"Fine. Your house it is." I conceded.

Once we had all the details in place, we divided up the work and created a Facebook event to invite everyone. Mostly everyone responded they were coming. Bilal commented that he had to work, but wished Rocky a happy birthday and told her not to party too hard. I liked his comment, secretly hoping Trevor would stay in Austin with him. He hadn't responded to the invite at all.

On Thursday, I went shopping with the girls for Pajamas. I brought my lime green Fenty fur slides along for the trip. The only requirement was that whatever I got matched.

"Ohhh, that's super cute. I love the silk! We should all wear silk Pjs like TLC!" Mia gushed to me at Macy's as I looked through silk pajama sets.

"No. This is for Rocky and she said no one else better pick out a silk set." I warned her.

"Fine. She needs all the material to cover up. Lets go look at some lingerie!" Mia clapped her hands. When Amber followed, I looked over at Staci, exasperated. Staci held back her grin.

Mia was being sickeningly sweet to me all afternoon; I was instantly suspicious of her intentions. Staci confirmed that she was trying to get in good with me so she would get an invite on the next trip. There were so many reasons why that wasn't happening. I took pictures of a couple options and sent it to Rocky.

"This is sexy. Dominic would love this." Mia cooed, holding up a black lacy bustier.

I looked away as she mentioned one reason being her friend would be impossible: I knew the truth about her faux boyfriend. Either she knew and was playing along or she didn't and Dominic was lying to her. It was too messy for me to deal with.

"This is cute too." Amber told Mia holding up a dark blue nightie. Mia ended up buying both and I bought the silk shorts set Rocky preferred.

At a small boutique, Staci saw some cute blue stripped knee length socks in a display window that she loved. We went inside, and browsed around. Mia held up a long sleeved Lucky Charms sleep shirt to me.

"This is the only thing that matches your house shoes." Mia snickered.

"They're Fenty slides. And I actually love that." I took the sleep shirt and held it up to my body. It barely reached my mid thigh with slits on the side, but I would wear shorts underneath it just in case.

"Lily, we can be the breakfast club." Staci smiled, finding a Tony the Tiger tank dress with his picture and the tag line "They're Greeeeeaaaat!"on them.

"I want in!" Amber searched until she found a yellow Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs tank and shorts.

Mia reluctantly picked a Fruit Loop Pajama bottoms and matching tank to be included. They made plans to meet at Staci's place to pregame before the party on Saturday and I told them I'd see them at the party.

Friday I had my doctor's appointment with Dr. Pereira. I told her my plans to keep doing the best thing for my clients at my job and let Adil and the rest of them play politics. I also touched on my trip to Miami with Christian and his declaration of wanting to be in a relationship. I detailed how I still was going to date him and stop hooking up with Uriel until I decided if I wanted to be in a relationship with him.

I also talked about Trevor possibly being in town for Rocky's birthday. He still hadn't responded to the Facebook invite. It would make the most sense if he didn't come, especially the way he avoided me at the baby shower. She mostly stayed quiet and took notes as I talked, but she did ask how I would feel if he came. I shrugged and repeated what Ethan said about taking what he could from the situation and revealed I would try that approach.

"That's interesting. What do you think you can take from your relationship with Trevor?" She questioned me.

"To work on myself and my insecurities so I can have healthy relationships."

"What did you take from your relationship with Jake?" Dr. Pereira continued.

"That I shouldn't change who I am or force a relationship because I'm afraid to be alone."

"And Ethan?"

"We weren't really in a relationship..." I trailed off.

She looked up from her notes. "You told me you thought you loved him before."

"Yeah, thought. I think that was tied into him being my first and getting pregnant and losing our baby. I don't know if those feelings were ever really real." I over explained, fidgeting as Dr. Pereira watched me. 

"What?" I said, under her scrutiny.

"I noticed how uncomfortable it makes you talking about Ethan. Even more so than Trevor and you're worried about seeing him. Why do you think that is?"

"I mean, I know why there's tension with Trevor and I'm ready for it."

"You don't know why there's tension with Ethan? You don't know how to prepare for him?" Dr. Pereira asked, but they were more like statements.

"Nothing to prepare for. Sometime it's awkward because we never talked about everything that happened between us, but it's better this way. " I clarified.

"And what way is that?"

"Not dredging up the past. We decided a long time ago that we were better off as friends and we're ok. No hard feelings."

"No lingering feelings at all, correct?"

"Right. No lingering feelings at all." I confirmed quickly.

"For him as well?"

"I don't know. You would have to ask him." I folded my arms.

"Fair enough. Has he done or said anything that made you feel like there might be feelings there?" She asked.

I thought about how he looked at me on Sunday...

"I don't know." I said after a pause.

"Lily-"

"I truly don't know." I stopped her. "He's really hard to read sometimes and maybe I read him wrong. If he wants me to know, he will tell me what's on his mind. If he doesn't say anything, I don't try to guess. So no, he hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like there are feelings there." I finished before we moved on.

The more I thought about it, the more Sunday kept replaying in my mind. Not only the way Ethan looked at me, but how he confessed that he did sometimes wish he could forget a relationship. If it wasn't Serena or Megan, it had to be me. What couldn't he forget? What did he want to forget? Did he just take what he could from me and move on because he couldn't be with me? He told me years ago that he didn't want to be with me; did that ever change for him?

At the end of the day, it didn't matter. The past was the past and I was moving forward. I had enough to deal with with my own feelings. I couldn't take on Ethan's hypothetically ones. I had to focus on what I could control and that was myself.

Saturday morning, I got up, turned on my music and started prepping food for the party. I video chatted with Christian as I worked. He was in Bora Bora, filming the video for Nomadic. He Factimed me while he was getting his make up done.

"I knew your abs were fake." I teased him, as his make-up artist pressed powder on his chest and abs.

"You know better." He responded with a pointed look.

"Do I? They can do all types of sorcery with make-up nowadays."

"The next time I see you, the first thing we're doing is taking a shower. You know what I want when I'm right?" He asked, brazenly.

"A hi-five?" I said, playfully, not wanting to talk about that in front of someone else.

"I can think of a better use for your hand." He continued, suggestively.

"Anyway..." I replied, changing the subject. "The bungalow over the water is so beautiful. Are you staying there?" I noticed the pictures Keosha posted on Instagram was exactly like the bungalow that Christian was at right now.

"No. After the shot is over, I'm on a flight to NY to debut the video."

"Do you ever get to visit the places you travel to?" I wondered about his schedule.

"Not recently because of the album. After it's released, I can make my own schedule, spend more time in each city. Get inspiration for more songs. In fact, start planning a trip for early next year." Christian encouraged me with a smile.

"That sounds like work, not a trip. I don't want to distract you." I smiled back.

"You would inspire me, not distract me. You said you wanted to experience a Carnival right? Pick a city and we're there."

"I'll research it and get back to you." I said, lightheartedly, knowing I needed to decide what I wanted before I planned a trip with him for next year.

After I got off the phone, I continued to cook. Forrest keep texting me last minute, mundane things. When he text me about the placement of bean bags he rented, I gave him a call. He sounded stressed out so I asked him if he wanted me to finish my cooking at his house so we could get everything ready, together. He said it was up to me, but I figured I would get more done quicker if I didn't have to answer his texts. I went ahead and loaded everything in my car and headed to his place.

I had no idea why he was stressing. The place look amazing. The couch was covered with neon pillows, chairs with multi-colored covers, bean bags were placed strategically on the floor, balloons were scattered throughout the room, and a graffiti scene setter with 90's slang covered the wall. I made him drink a beer, put on my getting ready for a night out play list, and danced around as we finished cooking. An hour before guest were set to arrive, Forrest went to get Rocky while I went to the guest room to get ready. 

My sleep shirt, black athletic shorts, and Fenty slides completed my outfit. I put my wavy hair in french braids and applied minimum make-up. I sent a selfie to Christian posing in the mirror, before I went to the living room and turned on the 80's and 90s old school music that Rocky loved. The doorbell rang 5 minutes before party time and I went to answer it. I grinned when I saw Blake and Jordan, looking adorable in matching Cowboys pajamas.

"No Jordan! He converted you to the dark side." I said, letting them in.

"The best side." Jordan hugged me.

"America's team." Blake boasted as they made their way into the house.

"No wonder people think so little of America." I joked.

Peyton and Chris arrived next in flannel PJ sets, then Gigi, Amber, and Staci arrived right on time. I smiled when I saw Gigi was part of the breakfast club with a Snap Crackle Pop Pajama set.

When Richard came, I gave him a hug. "Did you really show up in your underwear?" I teased. He was wearing a muscle tank and boxer shorts.

"This is overdressed for bed." He grinned lecherously.

"Gross. Too much info." I laughed.

"No. Too much info would be if I told you what I did late at night, thinking about you-"

I covered his mouth to stop him. "Eww. Stop. I'm not drunk enough for your harassment."

We went to the kitchen to grab a drink. We both got Lime A Ritas, or thot juice as Richard called them, and posted a video on Snapchat. When I noticed it was 30 minutes past the start time and still no Rocky, I called Forrest.

"We're on the way. Go ahead and get started." Forrest explained. 

Mia arrived with Dominic next. After a quick hi and bye to him, me, Amber, Staci, Gigi and Mia took pictures together in our cereal gear. I had Richard take pictures with my phone. He grinned at us. "Can I be the milk?"

"Shut up and take the picture Richard!" I yelled at him over the music.

Forrest and Rocky finally showed up, and we all cheered and wished happy birthday to the birthday girl. She looked incredible in the soft lavender silk pajama shorts set. She had a huge smile on her face and looked radiant as she greeted everyone before taking her seat in the recliner reserved for her. Forrest was relaxed and looked happy and stress free as he got himself and Rocky something to eat. They were eating and chatting with everyone when Brandon, Jake, Dino, Ethan, and Daniel arrived together.

"Party's here!" I exclaimed, way too excited and loud as I gave Brandon another long hug.

"I think it's not awkward anymore." Brandon smiled, patting my back before I pulled away.

"Great." I cheered, my eyes finding Ethan's, curious to how he would respond to me. He gave me a friendly nod and I smiled at him, giving him a glance over. He looked great in gray sweatpants and a t-shirt. I loved the way gray sweat pants fit on guys, especially in the front...

"You gonna let us in or what?" Jake quipped.

I looked away from Ethan to Jake. "I don't know. Are you house broken Tarzan?" I poked fun at his cheetah print pajama set that match perfectly with Dino's nightie and robe. Gotta admit, he looked good too.

"You look beautiful Dino." I gave her a quick hug before leading them into the living room. Brandon, Jake and Dino made their way over to Rocky.

"Thanks Lily. No hug or compliments for me?" Daniel pulled my attention from Brandon and Forrest greeting each other.

"I'm sure there's someone else you want compliments from. She's in the blue Frosted Flakes dress." I nodded to Staci in the living room swaying to the music.

"Breakfast of champions." Daniel smiled.

"That's Wheaties." Ethan corrected him.

"Close enough. I'll catch up with you later. Get lucky." Daniel chuckled, clapping Ethan on the back as he blatantly stared at the magically delicious tag line scrawled on my Lucky Charms shirt. He headed towards Staci, leaving me alone with Ethan as my face flushed.

I cleared my throat. "So you ready to bust out those dance moves?" I asked, referring to the choreograph dances in the movie. While we were watching them together, I joked with him to get ready to do them with me at the party.

"Yes. You get started and I'll join in." He responded, mockingly.

A giggle escaped my lips, until I realized how flirty it sounded and covered my mouth. He smirked at me and I couldn't help staring at his lips-

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" I snapped out of it, backing away, right into Gigi. I jumped, and Ethan grabbed my shoulders to steady me. I stepped away from his warm hands and turned to apologize to Gigi.

"You're all good. Relax." She grinned at me. "You didn't have any more gummy bears did you?" She teased.

Amber, who was standing next to Gigi, cracked up.

"Not funny." I gasped.

"Gummy bears?" Ethan asked, interested.

"Nothing. Let's get you a drink."

I left Ethan in the kitchen with Will and step into the bathroom. I came back out and saw Sammy had arrived with Sophie. They both wore red and black camisole shorts set, respectively.

"Hey. You made it." I greeted Sammy, politely.

"Hey, you made it. I thought you might be globe trotting with Christian." Sammy gave me a wryly smile.

"Not this weekend." I replied.

"Do you know where Christian is taking you next?" Mia asked while pulling Dominic to the middle of the living room to dance.

That was the main reason Mia and I would never be friends. She couldn't care less about being friends with me until I started dating Christian. I didn't need fake people around me.

"Nowhere." I said, leaving to join Richard across the room against the wall, watching Mia and Dominic grind to Close by Next.

"You wanna go show them up?" I nudged him, playfully.

"Nope. I didn't bring my skates for ex games." Richard said, taking a sip of his 2nd drink.

I snorted.

"Get it? Skates? X-games?" He grinned.

"I got it. It was just lame." I laughed. I hung out with Richard for a few more song before I noticed people finishing eating and grouping off together. Since everyone who stated they were attending was here, I grabbed the mic from my karaoke stand and handed it to Forrest.

"Wish her a happy birthday and stuff so we can start karaoke." I told him.

"Guys, thank you so much for coming out to celebrate the beautiful Racqelle's birthday." Forrest announced on the mic. When everyone stopped cheering, he began again. "I can stand up here and give a speech about how wonderful you are Rocky, but we'd be up here all night and I know Lily is ready to start Karaoke."

"Damn right!" I declared making him laugh.

 

"Before she starts butchering songs, here's one of your favorites that makes me think of you. Happy birthday Rocky." He started the music again on the speaker and "So Into You" by Tamia started playing. Amidst the ooos and awwws by the ladies in the crowd, Forrest leaned over Rocky and she beamed as she grabbed his face for a kiss on the lips.

I noticed Brandon get up and head for the kitchen. I was on my way to follow, but Ethan waved me off and followed him. I instead picked out my song for Karaoke. When the song ended, I grabbed the mic and turned it back on.

"First of all Forrest, I don't butcher, I slay! Second of all, happy birthday Rocky! I love you. Now get up here! I need you to be the salt to my pepper! This song is dedicated to you and Ace." It took some convincing and chanting before she finally came up. When "Push It" came on, Rocky grinned and grabbed the mic from me. "I'm Peppa."

Rocky and I danced, sang and killed the song. On my verse, I grabbed Brandon and made him dance with us. He was a great sport, and when the song was over we both gave him a hug as everyone cheered. Once Rocky and I got it started, others lined up to take on their favorite old school song. It was a great time, everyone was singing, dancing or cheering on each other. They was some playful ribbing, but it was all in good fun. I even went again when Amber demanded the breakfast club girls sing to "Jumpin Jumpin" by Destiny's Child.

"Y'all know there were other genres beside R&B, pop and hip hop right?" Blake called out after our performance.

"Not at my party!" Rocky laughed at him.

"No, it's ok. I got him." I smiled and changed the song. 

When Cotton Eye Joe came on, I laughed when everyone booed and jeered. Blake grabbed the mic from me. I knew it was going to be a country song and I was right. He sang Lonestar "Amazed" to Jordan which was entire too sweet for me. I went into the kitchen to grab some food.

While I was making my plate and chatting with Peyton, Jake joined us. When Peyton left to take a plate to Chris, Jake stood next to me.

"I'm guessing by your trip to Miami, you took my advice about Richard?" He asked me.

"No, I didn't. Richard and I are great. Why do you ask?" I challenged, taking a bite of my slider.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "So you and Richard and you and Christian?"

"That's right. Boyfriend number one and boyfriend number two." I said, cheekily.

He huffed a laugh. "Sure. I don't believe you, but ok. Be careful and be safe."

"Always." I told him. "And... Whatever you think you may have picked up on Richard, or anyone else, can you keep it to yourself?"

"I have." He nodded. 

When he went to leave, I stopped him. "Thank you. I'm good, but thanks for looking out for me."

"Always." He smiled before leaving.

While I was finishing my food, I heard a big commotion in the living room. I walked out with my plate and barely held on to it when I saw Trevor and J-Mike. Trevor and J-Mike both looked like Hugh Hefner wanna-bes with robs, slippers and their hair slicked back. Trevor even came complete with a blonde playmate in a pink baby doll, matching boyshorts and heels. 

I retreated to the kitchen and threw my plate away. Forrest joined me and handed me a beer.

"You ok?" He asked me.

"No." I grabbed it and took a long swig. "I told you we needed hard liquor." I deflected with a joke.

"I'm serious. I have no problem kicking him out." Forrest said, dead serious.

"No. It's not worth it. Let's go celebrate Rocky's birth." I smiled weakly.

Almost every one of my friends sent me sympathetic glances when I returned to the living room. I keep my head up and sat on a bean bag with Richard after he patted the seat for me. I tried not to worry about them and turned my attention to the death glare Blake was giving J-Mike as he laughed at something neither Blake nor Jordan found funny.

Eventually, I lost the battle and watched Trevor as he sat with his arm around her, chatting with everyone. He looked good: tanned and healthy, but his smiles didn't lite up his face like they used to...

I tore my eyes from him to her. She had golden blonde hair that was perfectly straight and fell to her lower back. Her cloudy blue eyes were framed with dark thick lashes. She was absolutely beautiful and they made a stunning couple. I can't lie, it crushed me.

"You need me to get my skates on?" Richard asked me, putting his arm around my shoulder.

"Huh?" I grunted, watching as Trevor took off his robe to give to her.

"X-games. Your ex came to play them. Wanna beat him at his own game?" Richard tempted me, as I tore my eyes from Trevor.

"No. Games are for children. I'm too grown for that." I said, almost believing myself.

"I'm not. Be right back." Richard hopped up from the bean bag.

"No- Richard, stop." I tried to grab his arm but he shook me off and he headed to the front of the room. I covered my face when he grabbed the mic.

"Every note is for you Lily." Richard said. I looked up when "Ignition" by R. Kelly started to play. It brought the mood back up in the party as everyone sang and danced along with him. He eventually grabbed me and made me sing while he danced on me. I smiled at his corny old school dance moves and was laughing by the time the song was over.

"Thank you." I whispered in his ear with a smile as we returned to the bean bag.

"Anytime." He smiled back, kissing me on the cheek. "This is going to drive him crazy. Is it friendly kiss? Is it more? He won't know what to think." He said softly in my ear. I shook my head and pulled away.

J-Mike got up and snatched the Mic, announcing "I got one!".

He walked over to the karaoke machine and picked his song. Sublime's "Wrong Way" came on and he sang the first few bars to me.

"Annie's twelve years old, in two more, she'll be a whore
Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way"

He hammed it up, loving the attention and singing with everyone. When he tried to sing to Jordan, kneeling in front of her, Blake kicked the mic out of his hand. It took everything in me not to crack up laughing  as J-Mike picked up the mic and Forrest turned the karaoke machine off.

Richard whispered "mic drop" and I couldn't hold back my laughter. I had to leave the room and went outside to calm down. Richard followed me, but made it worse by letting me know he got it all on camera.

"I knew some shit was about to pop off when he started singing. I thought you were going to stomp him." Richard laughed, playing on his phone.

"Last year, I might have tried." I admitted, honestly, silently thanking Dr. Pereira.

Amber came out to check on us and we both laughed at the video as Richard put it in slow motion. I was wiping tears from my eyes when I heard a familiar song playing. A sick feeling came over me as I recognized the opening strains and the voice singing it.

"What's wrong?" Amber asked me, catching my change of mood.

"Nothing." I said, walking back into the house.

Sure enough, Trevor was singing "Truly Madly Deeply". The cheesy, romantic love song he knew I loved. The one he played on my brother's wedding video after public confessing his love for me, convincing me without a doubt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. The song I still couldn't hear without thinking of him. He was singing it with his blonde, watching my every move as I walked back in the room.
I leaned against the wall, the pain and anguish making me unsteady on my feet.

I wanted to turn the pain into rage: it was easier to deal with. I wanted to grab the mic out of his hand and beat him with it. Instead, I just stood there and watched. I watched every second of his painful performance, reminding myself this was the man I cut off: Not the person who adopted Justine for me or built me a food house or loved me when I didn't love myself enough. I needed to remember this person; a man who could take something so sweet and meant so much to me and twist it until something ugly. 

When the song was over, I closed my eyes, repeating my self affirmations and reminding myself of the person I was and who I wanted to be. Once I had my feelings under control, I walked over to Rocky to hug her goodbye.

"I'm going to head out. Enjoy your birthday." I told her as we embraced.

"Are you ok?" She asked me, searching my face for any cracks in my armour. I just smiled.

"I'm ok. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too Lily."

I waved and said bye to everyone else.

"You leaving already?" Trevor asked me, a sardonic smile on his face.

"Yes. I don't think anyone is going to top your performance. Great job. Your mom would be so proud." I answered, calmly, turning around so I didn't have to see his reaction. It fucking hurt but I welcomed the pain. That was what I was taking from our relationship: we brought out the worst in each other now. I needed to get out of there before the worst part of myself made an appearance. I was at my car when someone grabbed my hand.

I jerked away, and they just gripped me tighter. I glared at whoever touched me in the dark until I recognized Ethan. "I'm fine, really. I just need to go." I said as calmly as I could muster.

"Ok. Text me when you make it home." He squeezed my hand.

I nodded and waited for him to let go of me before I got in my car and took off.  I didn't even realize where I was going until I was there. I just knew I didn't want to go home and be alone with my thoughts quite yet. I sat outside Uriel's apartment for a few moments before I text him.

 

Me: Do you still want to get together?

I waited, ignoring phone calls and text from my friends for a couple minutes before Uriel finally text me back.

Uriel: When?

Me: Right now. I'm outside your apartment.

Uriel: Give me 5 minutes.

I text Ethan that I made it home before I went up to Uriel's apartment.