The Ghost in You

"A race is on, I'm on your side
And here in you, my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
Or running away
Stars come down in you
And love, love, love
You can't give it away (Love, love, love, love, love)
Inside you the time moves and she don't fade
The ghost in you, she don't fade
Inside you the time moves and she don't fade" The Ghost in You by The Psychedelic Furs


It was 7am and my first thought was that Trevor wasn't coming home. Forrest warned me I was pushing him away. Maybe he did finally have enough and was breaking up with me. Then I thought about New Years Eve and how sick Trevor was and started to panic. It wasn't the same. It wasn't like he stood me up. But still, it was completely out of character for him to not come home, call or text me.

I immediately called him. It rang 3 times before I got an answer.

"Lily?" A groggy sounding Trevor answered the phone. I immediately knew he was sick or hurt.

"Trevor, what's wrong? Where are you?" I asked him, concerned.

"I'm in Wichita Falls. I'm ok." He said, sounding alert.

Ok? How is he ok if his in a hospital bed or on the side of the road, stranded somewhere...

Realization hit me as he continued to explain.

"... I must have feel asleep, but I'm on my way home right now. I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry." I cut him off. "Take your time for all I care." I said, before hanging up.

He called me back, but I ignored it and went to bed. He kept calling. I would have turned my phone off If it wasn't for Bianca. On the third call, I answered.

"What do you mean for all you care?" Trevor asked me, sounding upset.

"Exactly what I said. Do whatever you want Trevor. I'm not going to stop you." I said, with a fake, nonchalant attitude.

"If you don't care, why are we together? I'm tried of feeling like I'm forcing you to be in this relationship." Trevor said, aggravated.

"If you feel that way, stay where you are! I'm sure you're mom-" I started, matching his tone.

I couldn't finish my insult because he hung up on me. I threw my phone down, fuming... and miserable and frustrated all at the same time. I wanted to curl up and cry, but I didn't allow myself to. I was so sick of being upset and crying. All. The. Time. Enough was enough.

I tried to put it out my mind and get some more sleep. It wasn't happening, so I got up. I took Justine outside and we went for a run. 20 minutes later, Bianca called me.

"Where are y'all? I've been knocking." She asked.

"I'm jogging. Come pick me up." I requested.

With the continuous drama with Trevor, I forgot about Bianca. I talked her through where we were and 5 minutes later, Bianca pulled up. Justine and I jumped in the car.

"Do you always go running this early?" Bianca complained.

"I gotta get my work out in somewhere. Do you always spend the night with guys you just met?" I teased her.

"Whatever. It's not even like that." She said as we arrived back at my apartment.

"Sure... Let's go to brunch and you can tell me all about it." I instructed her as we walked up the stairs.

"Uhh... I'm exhausted." Bianca asked, handing over my keys. I put my house key back on the chain before I opened the door.

"I don't give a shit. Sleep on the plane. Go shower or I'll go first." I threatened.

After we both showered and changed, Bianca packed up her things and we went to a French bistro in Dallas. It had an outdoor, covered dog-friendly patio so I took Justine too. After we sat down and ordered champagne cocktails, the waiter brought out a water bowl for Justine too.

"This place is amazing." Bianca nodded as she dug into her Eggs Benedict.

"Mmmhmmm." I agreed, my mouth full of crab Florentine as I fed Justine a treat.

"You and Trevor come here a lot?"

I scoffed. "Nope. Trevor would hate this place. He's a picky eater."

Bianca chuckled as she grabbed a beignet we ordered to share. "You make him sounds like a 3 year old."

"Exactly! He has the palate of a 3 year old. In fact, I think 3 year olds are more sophisticated." I complained.

"Stop it. He knows what he likes and sticks with it. You should appreciate that." Bianca shook her head at me.

"Anyway, do you like Dominick?" I changed the subject, grabbing a beignet too.

"As a friend." Bianca answered, plainly.

"You neglected me to hang out with someone you just met who you like only as a friend?" I said, pretending like I was offended.

Bianca straightened up in her seat. "It seemed like you and Trevor needed time alone. What's going on?"

"Nothing really." I lied, straightening up in my chair too.

Bianca gave me a look that said, spill it.

"It's definitely an adjustment living with each other. We're adjusting." I answered, truthfully. We were adjusting- maybe to the fact we were better off as friends.

She didn't look convinced, but she left it alone. I did the same and didn't try to force her to talk to me. When/if she needed to talk, I would be there. I transferred money over to her account and drove her to the airport.

"Last year of school. Let me know if you need anything, ok?" I told her as I hugged her in the car.

"I will, even though the money you gave me is more than enough until I start working. Thank you." She said, hugging me back.

"Don't thank me. It was an investment. Get your degree, start your fashion line, and pay me back. With interest!" I smiled at her when she pulled away.

She gave me a weak smile. "Ok."

"Love you cuz." I said, waving to her.

"Love you too."

After she got her bag out the car, she started to leave, but turned back.

"Speaking of investments, I'm emotionally invested in Trevor. Whatever you need to "adjust to", do it." She lectured me.

I opened my mouth to speak. I wanted to tell her it was easier said than done. I wanted to point out how she never had one meaningful relationship, so she had no idea how much fucking work it was. But she turned on her heel and left before I could speak.

I drove back home, anxious and nervous to see Trevor. We didn't end things this morning on the best note and I knew he wasn't very happy with me. I wasn't happy either; I knew another fight was coming.

I went inside to an empty apartment. I checked my phone in disbelief. I only had a text from Forrest asking how I was doing. There was no reason why Trevor shouldn't be home if he left like he said he was. Wichita Falls was only 2 hours away. All types of scenarios played in my head- all of them were Trevor staying away by choice.

I chose to leave too. I packed my work scrubs and a few extra outfits and a separate bag of Justine's essentials while I contemplated where I should go. Amber was out- She had Will and the kids and I didn't want to explain what was going on with Trevor. Sammy would let me crash, no questions asked, but she was out of town in Austin planning Black Reign's single release party with Christan.

After I finished packing, I pulled out my phone and booked a room at a hotel close to my job. I wouldn't be able to check in until 3pm, but I left anyway. If Trevor did finally come home, he would get a taste of his own medicine when I wasn't there.

I took Justine to a dog park and let her play while I text Forrest back.

Me: Great. Trevor didn't come home last night.

Forrest called me back immediately.

"Have you spoken to him?" Forrest asked.

"Yep, this morning. He said he was in the country and that he was sorry and he was on his way home, but I haven't heard from him since." I explained.

" He probably just needed a break. When he gets home, try to understand where he's coming from before you try to make your feelings known."

"Don't "Covey" me! I understand I have shit I need to work on. That doesn't mean he disappears for the weekend and not get in touch with me! Who knows what he was doing or who he was doing it with! This is complete bullshit!" I exclaimed.

"Straight up, do you think he cheated on you?" Forrest asked me.

"No..." I admitted, honestly.

"Then don't go there. I'm not saying what he did was ok- just hear him out. I'm glad to know you read some of Covey's book. You should read it again."

"Shut up Forrest!"

"I'm serious. I just went over it to get my lesson plan ready for the school year. After everything with Rachel, some parts of it make more sense. Or maybe I'm reading more into it, but it's helping me see things I didn't see before." Forrest confessed.


"Good for you. I don't see how a self-help book is going to solve my relationship problems."

"I'm going be real with you for a minute. Majority of y'alls problems come from you." Forrest said, bluntly.

"Fuck you Forrest. Why am I even getting relationship advice from you?" I spat out.

"Be mad if you want to, but think about it. What has Trevor done to cause problems? Besides leaving this weekend?"

I thought about it. I wasn't really mad about the chores. Of course he could do more around the house, but I was used to doing things myself. I couldn't really blame him for bitchy Jordan-she always been that way. Even the house stuff was on me since I agreed to buy one with him. The only thing that really hurt was everything with his mom. "He... He didn't tell me about his mom!"

"I wouldn't either after seeing how you reacted. Do you blame him?" Forrest interrogated me.

I blanched. "I reacted that way because he didn't tell me! That's a huge problem of his! He treats me like a mentally unstable person. Like I'm going flip out or freak out all the time. Even when I try to keep my feeling to myself it's not good enough. I have to be happy all the time."

"I mean, you just cursed me for stating my opinion." Forrest pointed out.

"You know that's just how I talk. One little fuck is not a curse out. " I smirked. "At least, not to me..."

"I know, but you shouldn't be holding back how you feel. You could express it in a more productive manner. After everything you told me, it sounds like y'all need to learn how to fight. Remember habit number 5?"

"Think Win/win. It is not your way or my way; it is a better way." I recited.

"Exactly. Right now, you're making it lose/lose. Nobody wins. Why? Because of what everyone else has to say about y'alls relationship. That's crazy. Even for you." Forrest continued.

"Whatever. It's 3 so my crazy ass needs to go check into my room. Bye Forrest!" I said, shortly.

 I knew he was right, but I couldn't get over Trevor just ghosting me. I felt pathetic staying in the apartment while Trevor refused to come home.

I got checked in to my hotel with Justine before ordering Indian food for dinner. While I was ordering from the hotel phone, my phone started to ring. I ignored it, and it rang again. After I ordered my food, I checked my phone. Trevor. I silenced the ringer and stretched out on the couch. While I waited for my food, the texts rolled in.

Trevor (4:07pm): Call me back as soon as you get this.

Trevor(4:12 pm): Where are you?

Trevor (4:14pm): Call me back so I can say I'm sorry

Trevor(4:17pm): Answer your phone Lily!

Trevor(4:20pm): Just come home.

Trevor(4:35pm):  Lilypad, we need to talk. Please reply.

I decided I would call after I ate. I was thinking over everything Forrest said. I already knew it was me fucking up my own relationship. I never once thought about how different Trevor and I were; Now I thought about it all the time.

What made it worse was that the one person who would have understood what I was going through was Rocky. I watched how much she went through when she and Bilal started dating. She got it from her family, his family, from every ethnicity about their cultural differences and backgrounds. Through it all, she never let it bother her. She could give me pointers on how to deal with Trevor's mom and anyone else who might have a problem with us.

I couldn't bring myself to reach out to Rocky. Not only was she my former best friend, but she was the first person to taint the picture perfect future I had for Trevor and me. I never doubted our future until Rocky. Besides Bilal, Rocky knew us best. Who else would be able to say whether they thought we were compatible? My concerns started when Rocky made her statements about us buying a house together.

Trevor's mom just opened the wound and created new ones. I always had insecurities; now she gave me a new set to worry about. Only this time, I could do nothing about them. I could lose weight, change my style, my hair color and wear colored contacts, but that wouldn't change who I was on the inside.

Forrest was right, my insecurities were creating problems in my relationship. I had to get over them if I wanted to make it work with Trevor. I just didn't know how to start.  A part of me wanted to cut my loses now and try to salvage our friendship we once had.

There was a pounding at the door and I got up. I pulled out money from my wallet and hurried to the door. I opened it, thinking it was my food. It was Trevor.

"Lilypad..." He said softly, wiping the tears I didn't even know were on my face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that."

 "How'd you know I was here?" I murmured, getting lost in his deep blue eyes.

"Forrest told me you were at a hotel. I went into your email to figure out which one." Trevor explained.

"You hacked into my email?"

"You signed in on my laptop before. Can I come in?" He asked.

I nodded and pulled aside. He came into the room and sat on the couch. I joined him on the opposite end.

He looked me straight in the eyes. "Do you see a future for us? Do you want to stay together?" He asked.

"I used to imagine it all the time, now I try not to. I don't know Trevor. I'm torn." I answered honesty.

He looked so hurt when I said that, I felt ashamed.

 "Why? What's changed?"

"Your mom and Rocky-" I tried to explain.

"I don't care about what other people think. What's changed between us?" Trevor asked.

"It's just... hard. I just wonder if it's worth the trouble. We got along better when we were friends. Sometimes, I really feel like we should go back to being just friends."

He shook his head."You realize that will never happen."

"What?" I asked.

"Us going back to friends."

My stomach turned violently. "Don't say that."

"It's the truth Lily. I could never go back to being just your friend. I see our life and our kids and our future together. I can't look at you and not see that. I will always want to be with you." Trevor said, firmly.

That was no questioning nor doubt in his voice or eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I quickly blinked them away and cleared my throat.

"Ok. Then let's try to figure this out because I can't imagine you not in my life." I compromised.



***There will be a bonus post detailing their discussion. This post just got really long and I wanted it separate. Check back tomorrow for the rest***